Latest / We're Fine...Aren't We? / Episode 1- The Art of Staying Out: Don't Let Your Kid's Drama Be Your Drama.

Transcript

Episode 1- The Art of Staying Out: Don't Let Your Kid's Drama Be Your Drama. · We're Fine...Aren't We?

• 0:00
  Are you ready?
• 0:01
  I'm ready.
• 0:02
  Oh boy.
• 0:05
  All right.
• 0:05
  Welcome to the first episode of our podcast.
• 0:11
  We're fine.
• 0:12
  Aren't we?
• 0:16
  A place for all the shit we go through in our forties?
• 0:21
  Forties are a wild ride.
• 0:23
  Kids, husbands, ex-husbands, friends, divorce.
• 0:27
  . Nothing's off topic.
• 0:29
  Some things are, we gotta be careful on some of it, but No, not all of it.
• 0:34
  No.
• 0:34
  This the serious things.
• 0:36
  We'll withhold names.
• 0:37
  Yep.
• 0:39
  Unless you piss us off.
• 0:40
  No, I'm kidding.
• 0:41
  Maybe.
• 0:42
  Don't piss us off.
• 0:43
  Don't find out.
• 0:46
  Katie, tell us what you do.
• 0:48
  What don't I do?
• 0:49
  What do you do for a living?
• 0:51
  I lash people all day.
• 0:53
  Which actually is thought about doing this podcast a lot.
• 0:55
  Lashing people.
• 0:56
  'Cause we talk about all the things.
• 0:58
  All the things in the lash room.
• 1:00
  What have you heard lately?
• 1:02
  Oof.
• 1:04
  Ooh I don't any t again, we'll not say names.
• 1:08
  I feel like we should do a t section of okay.
• 1:11
  Or like a, I don't know.
• 1:13
  We'll have to think about that.
• 1:16
  I like that.
• 1:16
  Like what's the T?
• 1:17
  , What have I heard?
• 1:19
  What don't I hear?
• 1:19
  Know you hear from me, Katie is also my lash artist.
• 1:23
  AKA therapist.
• 1:24
  Yeah.
• 1:25
  So she knows my stories.
• 1:26
  Oh yeah.
• 1:27
  But your stories will come out.
• 1:28
  Or , most of them they will.
• 1:30
  I dunno.
• 1:30
  What do you do?
• 1:32
  Let's start with that.
• 1:32
  Oh God.
• 1:33
  What do you do, Anne?
• 1:36
  I've been a stay at home mom for.
• 1:39
  Oh my God, 17 years.
• 1:42
  All the things in charge of the entire house.
• 1:44
  In charge of everything.
• 1:45
  Everybody's emotions and school and appointments and being a house manager.
• 1:50
  Yeah, I am.
• 1:51
  It's a never ending job.
• 1:52
  Yep.
• 1:53
  Which you do too well.
• 1:54
  Yeah.
• 1:54
  Especially now.
• 1:55
  Yeah.
• 1:57
  The sole manager.
• 1:58
  CEO.
• 1:59
  That's a tough subject.
• 2:02
  We'll get there at some point.
• 2:03
  Not today.
• 2:06
  Yeah, I feel like there's a lot of topics we could start with.
• 2:09
  But I think the most pressing topic we should start with is one that a
• 2:14
  lot of moms we know are going through that you and I have gone through.
• 2:17
  We have.
• 2:19
  Whew.
• 2:19
  For many years now.
• 2:20
  . And I think we've gotten really good at managing it.
• 2:22
  Without it affecting our friendship.
• 2:25
  Yes.
• 2:25
  So it's, our children are almost 13.
• 2:29
  And they've been friends since they were five ish in kindergarten.
• 2:32
  Yeah.
• 2:32
  Yeah.
• 2:33
  I guess a lot of people are going through, as they're both girls,
• 2:36
  they're both alpha personalities, they're both, strong ladies.
• 2:40
  Yeah.
• 2:40
  And they butt heads all the time.
• 2:44
  They're like, they're like best friends, and then they are enemies.
• 2:46
  They're literally, yeah.
• 2:49
  Every day.
• 2:49
  It's like we, we joke sometimes we'll be like should we invite the girls?
• 2:52
  Do they like each other today?
• 2:53
  Yeah.
• 2:53
  Or do we just keep us, where are they today?
• 2:55
  What, what's each, are they fighting?
• 2:57
  Are they happy today?
• 2:58
  It's already hard enough being in middle school.
• 3:00
  And then you add on just being a girl.
• 3:04
  But also hormones and these two girls are very opinionated.
• 3:07
  And this is what I love about them, they're not scared to say
• 3:10
  if they don't wanna do something or don't like something Yep.
• 3:12
  They don't tiptoe around.
• 3:14
  Yep.
• 3:15
  The, like the person to save the friendship.
• 3:17
  They, which I think will be great for them at some point.
• 3:21
  You don't have to walk on eggshells with your best friend.
• 3:23
  No.
• 3:23
  And I don't think you should.
• 3:24
  Yeah.
• 3:25
  But I think that's also why they butt heads a lot.
• 3:27
  Absolutely.
• 3:27
  Is because they both, they know what they want.
• 3:29
  Yep.
• 3:29
  They know what they want.
• 3:30
  They aren't gonna take any bullshit from anyone.
• 3:33
  And if they don't like it, you're gonna hear it.
• 3:35
  And that's hard with two personalities that are
• 3:37
  the same.
• 3:38
  'cause usually one friend will give in more or one will keep
• 3:42
  the peace I think you and I have learned just over the years.
• 3:47
  Getting involved does nothing.
• 3:48
  It makes it worse actually.
• 3:49
  Absolutely.
• 3:50
  Like moms, I feel like wanna, help or they wanna talk to the other parent
• 3:55
  or they want to, try to mend things and, but then it's almost like you're
• 4:00
  trying to force kids to get along when that, I feel like always backfires.
• 4:03
  Absolutely.
• 4:04
  I agree.
• 4:05
  Yeah.
• 4:05
  It makes it like a, I don't know, like your mom tells you to do something,
• 4:10
  you almost wanna do it less and it makes it feel forced and not authentic.
• 4:16
  If the kids can't figure it out, then they don't figure it out.
• 4:18
  Yeah.
• 4:19
  Us getting, I think, and I don't take sides either.
• 4:21
  No, we are both like, look, you girls work it out or you don't.
• 4:23
  And that's it.
• 4:24
  There doesn't need to be a conversation with us.
• 4:27
  We support them.
• 4:28
  The only times we've ever had to say something is if they got physical.
• 4:33
  And my daughter did have a complete meltdown at one point, and it
• 4:39
  was an immediate absolutely not.
• 4:40
  We are not doing that.
• 4:41
  You wanna yell and scream, fine.
• 4:43
  You do not put your hands on your friend.
• 4:45
  Or anybody.
• 4:45
  Yeah.
• 4:46
  And I think that is the only time that you really need to, that's the time that ever
• 4:50
  happened to get Other than that, yeah.
• 4:51
  I also feel like there's two sides of every story.
• 4:53
  Absolutely.
• 4:54
  Not that there are two equal sides, but if my daughter's telling me
• 4:57
  something I know that there's also other things that are in there that
• 5:00
  are being omitted or not remembered or, don't seem to be a big deal to her.
• 5:06
  And so it's always and I'm not saying just usually someone's an asshole, absolutely.
• 5:10
  But maybe next time she'll be the asshole.
• 5:12
  I feel like it's just talking to 'em, teaching them to be, how
• 5:14
  would it feel on the reverse?
• 5:17
  And if.
• 5:19
  They feel like they've done everything
• 5:23
  correctly on their side, then they just have to, then move on and talk to someone
• 5:26
  else, or tell 'em how you feel or don't.
• 5:28
  And you and I both do that.
• 5:28
  We encourage them to say how they're feeling.
• 5:30
  Yeah.
• 5:31
  It doesn't need to be a fight.
• 5:32
  It can just , Hey yeah, you made me feel this way.
• 5:34
  And the other person can either take accountability for
• 5:37
  hurting their feelings or not.
• 5:38
  Yep.
• 5:39
  And you can't, yeah.
• 5:39
  You can't control what somebody else does and No.
• 5:42
  I think, but again, I think there's a lot of moms who feel like they wanna
• 5:45
  make, they're friends with the mom.
• 5:47
  So they want their girls to be friends because, or their boys.
• 5:50
  Because they want to all hang out all together and make it easy.
• 5:54
  And the older the girls get, the older the boys get.
• 5:58
  The less you can force friendships between Absolutely.
• 6:02
  The kids.
• 6:02
  It's like when we were younger, you could have play dates and
• 6:04
  anyone would absolutely, everyone would play together easily.
• 6:06
  Boys, girls, different ages.
• 6:09
  Yeah.
• 6:09
  And now if you wanna maintain their friendship with the mom,
• 6:12
  if that's important to you, you gotta let go of the kid friendship.
• 6:15
  Yep.
• 6:15
  And let them decide if they wanna be friends or let them pick who they
• 6:21
  wanna be friends with because of, I feel like inevitably it'll ruin.
• 6:25
  The mom's friendship.
• 6:26
  I agree with that.
• 6:26
  Especially taking sides.
• 6:27
  Totally.
• 6:28
  And getting involved and hearing the dirty, don't you remember being in middle
• 6:31
  school and how ugly and evil girls were?
• 6:36
  You couldn't pay me to go back to middle school.
• 6:37
  I would it the worst.
• 6:38
  No, it was fucking rr The cattiness.
• 6:41
  Yes.
• 6:41
  That like competition.
• 6:43
  The just being mean to be mean.
• 6:46
  And I will say you and I both were told that sixth grade
• 6:48
  would be, or seventh grade.
• 6:50
  Seventh grade would be the most difficult.
• 6:51
  I feel like it's gotten better this year.
• 6:52
  Year.
• 6:52
  Oh, you too.
• 6:52
  I feel sixth is bad.
• 6:53
  I feel like any of the girl, yes, they have their things, but I, oh no.
• 6:55
  Like they don't really, I think six is worse.
• 6:56
  And especially our girls.
• 6:57
  I haven't heard of anything in a long time.
• 6:59
  No.
• 7:00
  And I think I haven't either.
• 7:01
  That's also us letting them figure it out.
• 7:05
  And they know they can't tattle either because we're not gonna do anything.
• 7:07
  Yeah.
• 7:07
  They'll come tell us how they feel, but there's no expectation of.
• 7:12
  You're gonna go talk to action Katie, or you need to go talk to Anne.
• 7:15
  Yeah, I agree.
• 7:16
  We're not gonna fight their battles for them.
• 7:17
  No.
• 7:18
  And I think a lot of that too comes with age, right?
• 7:20
  Yeah.
• 7:20
  They're getting more mature.
• 7:22
  Yeah.
• 7:22
  They're understanding how to Yeah.
• 7:24
  Talk about their feelings.
• 7:26
  And they both are in the same friend group, but have
• 7:28
  their own groups on the side.
• 7:29
  Which is nice.
• 7:30
  There's not pressure too, to hang out because we're hanging out either.
• 7:33
  Nope.
• 7:34
  Sometimes we invite 'em.
• 7:35
  Usually we don't.
• 7:36
  The last time we did, they didn't even sit down with us.
• 7:38
  They did for a second.
• 7:39
  Oh yeah.
• 7:40
  And then we had dinner and they left us.
• 7:42
  They left us to go get us bowls.
• 7:44
  Which is fine.
• 7:44
  Which is fine.
• 7:46
  They can leave.
• 7:47
  They're old enough now.
• 7:47
  They don't have to stick around.
• 7:49
  No.
• 7:49
  And they don't want to, they don't wanna sit and talk to us but what
• 7:51
  about like when they're younger?
• 7:52
  Like I feel like we have friends whose kids are younger and
• 7:55
  especially the and I feel like that is the dreaded fourth grade.
• 7:57
  I feel like fourth grade was just, oh, that's when it got bad.
• 8:00
  I feel like the worst of the worst.
• 8:01
  That's when girls, I don't know if that is when maybe, and I, look, I've
• 8:04
  read that there's research now that.
• 8:07
  Girls are maturing much faster.
• 8:09
  And so maybe those hormonal shifts are happening at an early age.
• 8:12
  I don't know.
• 8:12
  I'm not a doctor, but there's some people who are even on their periods.
• 8:16
  Yeah.
• 8:16
  Which is, yeah.
• 8:16
  I think I knew some girls who started their period.
• 8:18
  It's in fourth grade, it's early.
• 8:19
  But yeah, even in fourth grade though, I feel like when it's really bad, again,
• 8:24
  the instinct to get involved or I wanna know if my kid's being an asshole.
• 8:28
  Right, which I get.
• 8:29
  You wanna know that.
• 8:30
  But at some point, again, they're coming at you with their kid's
• 8:35
  story of what your kid did, right?
• 8:37
  So yes, you can address, you can talk to them and say, this is what I'm hearing.
• 8:40
  You wanna know that they're being an asshole, but you getting involved
• 8:44
  if they are an asshole, , you have to only get involved with them.
• 8:47
  Yeah.
• 8:48
  Not with the kid.
• 8:49
  Not with the parent.
• 8:50
  I think it's giving support.
• 8:52
  I think it also goes back again to.
• 8:55
  If my kid is being an asshole.
• 8:56
  What I mean by that is if my kid put your, put their hands
• 8:59
  on your kid, I wanna know that.
• 9:00
  Correct.
• 9:00
  But if your child is upset that my kid didn't wanna play with them, yeah.
• 9:04
  I don't really care.
• 9:05
  Or Yeah.
• 9:05
  I don't wanna hear about that.
• 9:06
  Yeah.
• 9:07
  I'm not gonna make my kid play with your kid.
• 9:09
  And I think at that point it's okay, then find something else to do.
• 9:13
  Or find someone else to find with or find one.
• 9:14
  Yeah.
• 9:15
  If my kid isn't being nice to your kid.
• 9:17
  . I'm not gonna make them.
• 9:18
  I don't want them to be mean, but at the same time, I don't know, I wasn't there.
• 9:21
  I didn't see the whole scenario.
• 9:23
  And what is your definition of mean?
• 9:24
  Correct.
• 9:25
  That too.
• 9:26
  That too.
• 9:26
  If your kid is telling the other kid they don't wanna do something
• 9:30
  because they don't wanna do it.
• 9:31
  We're not gonna make kids do stuff that they don't wanna
• 9:33
  do right now if it's like.
• 9:35
  Like your kid called my kid a bitch and like, all hey, maybe let's
• 9:39
  figure out different language.
• 9:41
  Why are you saying that?
• 9:42
  What are you upset about?
• 9:43
  Could we have said this in a way that maybe tries to get the
• 9:46
  feelings across in a better way.
• 9:48
  I don't know.
• 9:50
  I do think that though, that mean like the definition of meme Oh yeah.
• 9:54
  Is d is very, is different for everybody.
• 9:56
  And maybe that's a conversation like, if you do have younger kids
• 9:59
  and you're trying to figure out friendships, that's a conversation
• 10:03
  you and the other mom need to have.
• 10:05
  What do you actually wanna know?
• 10:06
  Like when do you wanna actually hear that your kid?
• 10:09
  Is being mean.
• 10:10
  And also even, okay, let's say my kid called your kid a bitch.
• 10:14
  And you said, Hey, your kid called mine a bitch.
• 10:16
  What does that, I don't know what that's doing other than telling my kid that.
• 10:19
  Your kid told.
• 10:20
  So now there's that animosity between the kids that Yeah.
• 10:23
  They told on them.
• 10:24
  So they're a tattletale.
• 10:25
  Because then they're gonna go to school and be like, you told your mom.
• 10:27
  Yeah.
• 10:28
  Like, how does that and it's a soft balance, again, of respecting their
• 10:32
  feelings and like validating their feelings, but also being like, Hey,
• 10:37
  not everything needs to be told.
• 10:38
  No, I don't if that bothered you, I'm sorry that happened.
• 10:42
  Yeah.
• 10:42
  And also, yeah.
• 10:43
  But it's also alerting lesson for them of how not to treat other people
• 10:46
  because it hurt them so badly that someone did that to them versus.
• 10:50
  Attacking it going after that kid.
• 10:52
  Just using that example as like a what not to do.
• 10:55
  Going forward to other people that you're mad at or that you're, yeah.
• 10:58
  I guess maybe my suggestion then for especially friends of ours who are
• 11:02
  going through it with younger girls.
• 11:04
  I think you just asked your girls, do you wanna see so and so today?
• 11:07
  And if they say no, you need to just respect that , but if you wanna see
• 11:10
  your friend, you go see your friend.
• 11:11
  You don't talk about the situation with your girls.
• 11:13
  You have fun with your friend because your relationship with her is very different
• 11:18
  than your relationship between your girls and your relationship with your daughter.
• 11:21
  Absolutely.
• 11:22
  You have to respect their boundaries.
• 11:23
  If one of 'em doesn't wanna see the other one, you have to respect that.
• 11:27
  Yeah.
• 11:28
  Right now they need a break.
• 11:29
  Right now they need space.
• 11:30
  Yeah.
• 11:31
  And forcing it just because you wanna try to fix it.
• 11:36
  And thinking, oh, they'll be together.
• 11:38
  They'll just figure it out.
• 11:39
  They don't wanna be together.
• 11:40
  And it's also gonna make things worse between you and your friend.
• 11:42
  Yeah.
• 11:43
  Because they're gonna feel put on, you're holding animosity.
• 11:45
  You're like, Hey, you didn't do this.
• 11:46
  You're not making your kid play with mine.
• 11:48
  No, we're not doing that.
• 11:49
  You don't care.
• 11:50
  That's not, yeah.
• 11:51
  And then that mom is forced to not take into account their kids' feelings.
• 11:56
  Yeah.
• 11:57
  Because they're pushing.
• 11:59
  This person, they don't wanna be around on them.
• 12:00
  Yeah.
• 12:01
  and I think again, fourth, fifth, even sixth grade.
• 12:04
  Tough.
• 12:05
  Even seventh grade.
• 12:06
  Our girls are in seventh grade and it's still, they're still
• 12:09
  immature, but I definitely have seen a change in both of them.
• 12:12
  Especially this year.
• 12:13
  They just don't get to upset about it anymore.
• 12:16
  It's oh she just doesn't wanna hang around me today.
• 12:19
  Okay.
• 12:19
  Okay.
• 12:19
  They don't get their feelings hurt anymore it's okay to say, I
• 12:22
  don't wanna be around this person.
• 12:23
  Yeah.
• 12:23
  And you and I don't get offended by it.
• 12:25
  No.
• 12:26
  We do our own thing.
• 12:27
  Yeah.
• 12:27
  Or we, yeah.
• 12:28
  There are, people do separate things.
• 12:29
  People in my life, I don't wanna be around, I was just gonna say,
• 12:32
  it translates to adulthood and I'm fine being like, look, there
• 12:37
  are people who are no longer in my life because it was just too toxic.
• 12:41
  But then there are people who I can take in small doses.
• 12:44
  And I know that about myself . but for the most part, if I wanna be
• 12:47
  around you, I will, , I'll say that.
• 12:49
  Yeah.
• 12:49
  I will make plans and, but , you're right, it does translate to adulthood.
• 12:55
  You don't have to be friends with everybody.
• 12:56
  No.
• 12:56
  You don't have to like everybody.
• 12:57
  And it's okay if not everybody likes you because.
• 13:00
  That's just how the world works.
• 13:01
  And you could have a friend who you were closer to at one point and
• 13:04
  you're not as close to them now.
• 13:05
  But you're still friendly with them.
• 13:07
  Yeah.
• 13:07
  It like, it doesn't, just because you were best friends in kindergarten doesn't
• 13:10
  mean you'd be best friends in fifth grade.
• 13:12
  And the same with adults.
• 13:13
  A couple years ago I was friends, closer with some people.
• 13:16
  Your lives go in different ways.
• 13:18
  They just.
• 13:19
  Transition or they grow apart or they your interests aren't
• 13:22
  the same anymore either or.
• 13:24
  Your kids are different ages.
• 13:25
  Yeah.
• 13:26
  When they're little, it's Hey, y'all play together.
• 13:28
  , It's totally fine.
• 13:29
  But when you are putting together a bunch of, adolescent males and females,
• 13:34
  they don't have any interests anymore.
• 13:36
  Nope.
• 13:36
  They can't.
• 13:36
  Not the same.
• 13:37
  Interest.
• 13:37
  Interest.
• 13:37
  They can't be like, yeah, let's go down the slide 20 times.
• 13:40
  Yep.
• 13:40
  Or, let's go get popsicles.
• 13:42
  The girls have very different interests than the boys.
• 13:44
  And look I have a friend who, our boys grew up together and were close when
• 13:49
  they were little and then they weren't.
• 13:51
  Yep.
• 13:51
  And that's because they completely went different ways now.
• 13:53
  Her and I have stayed friends.
• 13:55
  There were some issues during their younger years that I think we probably
• 14:00
  took sides and it made things awkward.
• 14:02
  We have learned not to do that, but also our boys are older now and yeah,
• 14:06
  there are no issues and basic exist.
• 14:08
  Yeah.
• 14:08
  And look, they talk to each other.
• 14:09
  They're not.
• 14:10
  Like close friends, they're friendly.
• 14:12
  Yeah.
• 14:12
  They'll say hi to each other.
• 14:13
  If they see each other , if we're all together, but they're not
• 14:15
  reaching out to the other one.
• 14:17
  Which is totally fine.
• 14:18
  But see our girls are really good friends.
• 14:20
  Yeah.
• 14:20
  I think it's just dependent on the kid.
• 14:23
  What's going on?
• 14:24
  My stomach's making so much.
• 14:25
  Is it minus two?
• 14:27
  I hope the microphone.
• 14:28
  I can't hear it though.
• 14:29
  It's so loud.
• 14:32
  Minus two.
• 14:33
  I should have eaten before this.
• 14:36
  I can't hear it, so hopefully we'll see what it sounds like.
• 14:39
  Why are you apologizing?
• 14:40
  You can't help what your stomach does first back, hey.
• 14:46
  I think you're right though.
• 14:48
  Relationships change all the time.
• 14:50
  Absolutely.
• 14:50
  And I think people are trying to hold on too much to the group hangouts
• 14:55
  if you wanna see your friend, you'll make time to see your friend.
• 14:57
  It's not gonna be in the group setting during these years.
• 15:00
  Yeah.
• 15:00
  It's just not, no, it's it, you have to respect who your kids wanna be
• 15:04
  around and being forced all the time to hang out with people they don't
• 15:07
  either have fun with or they don't like.
• 15:09
  They're gonna look at you.
• 15:10
  Yeah.
• 15:10
  You're not respecting their boundaries as parent.
• 15:11
  And you're being selfish and Absolutely.
• 15:13
  Not thinking of them.
• 15:14
  Yeah.
• 15:14
  And look, I used to do this too.
• 15:16
  When my kids were little.
• 15:17
  I would be like, go give so and so a hug.
• 15:20
  I don't do that anymore.
• 15:21
  No.
• 15:21
  Like it's very weird.
• 15:22
  Yeah.
• 15:22
  You're forced kid, forced interaction.
• 15:23
  If kid doesn't wanna uhhuh once you touching them I need to respect that.
• 15:26
  Yeah.
• 15:26
  Yeah.
• 15:27
  And again, some of that I've had to unlearn because I grew up being
• 15:31
  forced to do things I didn't wanna do.
• 15:33
  And that has translated into parenthood, and again, it's unlearning a lot of these.
• 15:39
  Behaviors that I grew up doing.
• 15:41
  And realizing like my kids are their own people.
• 15:44
  I do not need to make them do things they don't wanna do.
• 15:47
  I need to be respectful of their boundaries as well.
• 15:49
  Look, this is our first time being parents, right?
• 15:51
  We're all doing this for the first time, so you're never gonna get it right.
• 15:55
  No, but I will say if you have young girls or young kids.
• 15:58
  Young kids, yeah.
• 15:59
  They've grown up together.
• 16:00
  You and their mom are best friends.
• 16:02
  You want to keep that relationship intact.
• 16:05
  My advice is to then stop forcing it.
• 16:08
  Because eventually they're gonna have their own interests.
• 16:10
  They're gonna grow apart.
• 16:11
  Or they may not.
• 16:12
  And look, at the end of the day, I don't think it actually matters
• 16:15
  as long as you get to keep your friendship with the other mom.
• 16:17
  Yeah.
• 16:17
  If that is more important to you.
• 16:18
  Yeah.
• 16:19
  Which it was for me.
• 16:20
  Yeah.
• 16:20
  Then yeah.
• 16:21
  I don't really care if our girls stay friends or don't.
• 16:24
  No, I would love for them to, of course.
• 16:26
  But I will never force them to do that.
• 16:28
  No.
• 16:28
  And again, we'll still be friends and Absolutely.
• 16:30
  Again, if you don't force it, it's more likely you're gonna be able
• 16:33
  to have those interactions, more sporadically like we do Thanksgiving.
• 16:38
  Our girls don't hang out for months before that.
• 16:41
  We do Thanksgiving.
• 16:42
  It's fine.
• 16:43
  They're fine hanging out, for the night.
• 16:45
  They may hate each other by the night.
• 16:46
  But we get that time where we don't force it.
• 16:49
  And then there's one time we're like, let's just all get together for one day.
• 16:52
  And then you don't have to see each other the rest of the year.
• 16:57
  You don't want to.
• 16:58
  Although they do sit on the bus together and they do.
• 17:01
  I never hear any issues.
• 17:02
  No.
• 17:02
  In fact, I think they were laughing about something a couple days ago.
• 17:06
  Yeah.. But yeah, that took time though.
• 17:08
  Them being like, this took time.
• 17:10
  Oh my God.
• 17:10
  Years uhhuh and years.
• 17:13
  Years of you and me being like, no, we're not getting in the middle of this.
• 17:15
  You guys hate each other.
• 17:16
  We're gonna hang out.
• 17:16
  Bye.
• 17:17
  We, yeah, we love you.
• 17:18
  We support both of you.
• 17:18
  Yeah, but we aren't going to get in the middle of this.
• 17:21
  No, she said this, and she said that.
• 17:23
  Unless something physical happened, I, it's not for me to mind.
• 17:27
  Yeah.
• 17:27
  Yeah.
• 17:28
  But then again.
• 17:29
  I know we said this, but teaching them to be able to fight their own battles.
• 17:32
  Absolutely.
• 17:32
  And because we're not gonna be there forever.
• 17:35
  They need to learn these skills if you constantly are doing it for them.
• 17:38
  They aren't learning the social skills they need , to go through life.
• 17:42
  Also, you do not wanna raise a child to be a people pleaser.
• 17:46
  And I think you are very good about not people policing me personally.
• 17:51
  That something, again, I have had to unlearn.
• 17:53
  And it took a lot of therapy and.
• 17:56
  Traumatic things for me to finally be like, fuck this.
• 18:00
  I am not going to shrink myself to make other people comfortable.
• 18:02
  Yeah.
• 18:03
  And if I'm making you uncomfortable by just being who I am you probably
• 18:06
  don't need to be in my life anyway.
• 18:08
  I'm okay with that.
• 18:08
  Yeah.
• 18:09
  It's a good way of saying, Hey, if you feel something,
• 18:12
  you can tell your friend that.
• 18:14
  You can say if they're hurting your feelings or you don't like
• 18:16
  something that they did, and.
• 18:19
  I think that actually creates better friendships in the long run.
• 18:21
  Or you can choose not to be around them.
• 18:24
  Absolutely.
• 18:24
  And that's, and both things.
• 18:26
  Can exist and be fine.
• 18:27
  Yep.
• 18:28
  You don't need us to fight your battles.
• 18:29
  Because.
• 18:31
  We're not gonna stop being friends.
• 18:32
  Sorry.
• 18:32
  No, you're gonna have to always deal with this.
• 18:35
  Just they love this, by the way.
• 18:38
  They love this podcast.
• 18:39
  Oh, they're mortified.
• 18:41
  That we are doing, they really are.
• 18:43
  Oh God.
• 18:44
  Like it's mortified.
• 18:45
  I think it's fun.
• 18:46
  I think it's fun too.
• 18:47
  I don't, again, don't care what they, I don't care.
• 18:49
  I'm mad people pleaser.
• 18:52
  Not anymore.
• 18:52
  Also, both of us went to fashion school.
• 18:55
  Oh, this is, both of us are in fashion and.
• 18:58
  Your daughter.
• 18:59
  Hates style, hates your style, but likes my style and vice versa.
• 19:02
  Loves Katie's.
• 19:03
  If I walk out the door, she goes, what are you wearing?
• 19:07
  And then her friend will be like, oh my God, I love your outfit.
• 19:09
  And I'm like, see?
• 19:09
  But they think we are.
• 19:11
  The most embarrassing.
• 19:13
  But your daughter likes my style.
• 19:14
  I know.
• 19:14
  Which is it's, she has asked, she's what does Ms. Ann say?
• 19:17
  She has, she's made me call you.
• 19:19
  Just say what would Ms. Sand wear?
• 19:21
  See, she likes that.
• 19:22
  Yeah.
• 19:22
  Doesn't know other moms are so much cooler.
• 19:24
  Than your own.
• 19:24
  They're so lucky to have cool moms.
• 19:25
  I guess we're so cool.
• 19:29
  We think we are we.
• 19:30
  Which is all that matters.
• 19:31
  It's all that.
• 19:32
  Honestly, what other people think of me is none of my fucking business don't care.
• 19:36
  I don't care.
• 19:36
  No.
• 19:37
  At all.
• 19:38
  No.
• 19:39
  And again, this is how hopefully they will be.
• 19:42
  Yeah, they will be.
• 19:43
  Be a nice person.
• 19:44
  Yeah.
• 19:44
  Don't worry too much about what other people think.
• 19:46
  Say what you say?
• 19:47
  What you mean.
• 19:48
  Mean what you say.
• 19:49
  Just be a good person.
• 19:50
  Yeah.
• 19:50
  Honestly.
• 19:51
  Yeah.
• 19:51
  And eventually you'll find your people.
• 19:53
  And that's another thing going through elementary, middle, and I feel like
• 19:57
  such a friend, the groups changed.
• 19:58
  The friends changed the people she was friends with in elementary school.
• 20:01
  She's friendly with them, but she's not close with the same
• 20:03
  people that she's friends with now.
• 20:05
  Same.
• 20:06
  And allowing that too, for your kid and not trying to keep them.
• 20:12
  Friends with the same people.
• 20:13
  Just because they have been friends forever.
• 20:16
  They're either gonna come back to them or they weren't, they were meant for
• 20:19
  that time in their life and that's it.
• 20:21
  And they'll find, what is that?
• 20:22
  Seasonal friends.
• 20:23
  Yeah.
• 20:23
  Which actually you need.
• 20:25
  You need seasonal friends.
• 20:26
  What is it like, they say friends come in your life for a season a
• 20:29
  reason, and isn't there a third one?
• 20:31
  I don't know.
• 20:33
  This is fun.
• 20:34
  This is a fun first episode.
• 20:36
  . Talking about our girls.
• 20:37
  Thinking back it, as to how far they've come from all of the . Craziness
• 20:42
  when they were younger to the calm with which we are at now of, yeah.
• 20:48
  Not a lot of drama feels good, actually.
• 20:51
  It feels really good.
• 20:51
  , We made it through the storm.
• 20:52
  There will be other, there will be drama, of course there will, but I think again.
• 20:58
  We're in a really sweet spot right now.
• 20:59
  Feels, and I know a lot of people out there are not in this sweet spot.
• 21:02
  Yeah.
• 21:02
  You feel like you're like really in it and it's really tugging on your
• 21:05
  heartstrings and you're taking on their angst and their sadness and their anxiety.
• 21:15
  Yeah.
• 21:15
  And they're just unknown.
• 21:16
  The unknown of your kids and you know how to move forward.
• 21:20
  But I feel like.
• 21:22
  As long as you just, focus on, them as being empathetic, good kids,
• 21:28
  you get through it at some point.
• 21:29
  Yeah.
• 21:29
  It really, the waters do calm.
• 21:30
  They do.
• 21:31
  Yeah.
• 21:32
  Even if briefly for now, they're calm for now.
• 21:36
  They're fine now.
• 21:37
  Yeah.
• 21:37
  So our kids are fine, their friendship and our friendship is fine.
• 21:41
  Yes.
• 21:41
  And it took a long time for us to get here.
• 21:44
  It took you and me really staying out of it and not being
• 21:47
  offended by what was going on.
• 21:50
  That our friendship was more important Yeah.
• 21:52
  Than if they stayed friends or not.
• 21:54
  No.
• 21:55
  We were still gonna see each other.
• 21:56
  Yeah.
• 21:56
  And just focus on their Yep.
• 21:58
  We were there for them when they needed us as support their individual
• 22:00
  sides, not them as a whole.
• 22:02
  Yep.
• 22:02
  Absolutely.
• 22:02
  Yep.
• 22:03
  Absolutely.
• 22:04
  Yeah.
• 22:04
  Okay.
• 22:05
  This is fun fun.
• 22:06
  First episode.
• 22:08
  Can't wait to see what the next one holds.
• 22:11
  Oh God.
• 22:11
  Oh, don't.
• 22:11
  And reminder, we are not doctors.
• 22:13
  No, we are not therapists.
• 22:15
  No, we are not licensed any way.
• 22:17
  We have no medical advice.
• 22:17
  No.
• 22:18
  Just because I'm a therapist on my, when you're on my lash table, doesn't mean
• 22:22
  I actually have a degree to do this.
• 22:23
  You actually do have a degree in psychology.
• 22:26
  I do but I'm not a therapist, so , take this with a grain of salt.
• 22:28
  Uhhuh.
• 22:28
  This is just our opinions.
• 22:29
  Yeah.
• 22:30
  It's just what we went through.
• 22:31
  Yeah.
• 22:31
  Hopefully it helps somebody.
• 22:33
  As new parents, oh God, first time parents forever.
• 22:36
  Isn't that's crazy to think it is weird.
• 22:38
  But I think we're, I think we're all right.
• 22:39
  I do too.
• 22:40
  We're fine.
• 22:40
  Yeah.
• 22:41
  Aren't we?
• 22:43
  Okay?
• 22:46
  Yes.
• 22:47
  Again, that was fun.
• 22:49
  Hold on.
• 22:50
  Also, you can say, hold on, I can talk all I want.
• 22:52
  I just realize you can edit it.
• 22:54
  How do, oh yeah.
• 22:55
  I gotta pee so badly.
• 22:56
  Oh my God.
• 22:57
  Say something.
• 22:58
  And what if that didn't look record?
• 23:00
  I'm gonna cried.
• 23:02
  Don't put that out there.
• 23:04
  Oh, no.