Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #913 - 3 Ways to Help You Stay Balanced

Transcript

#913 - 3 Ways to Help You Stay Balanced · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the.
0:07
Speaker 2: Time poor parent who just wants answers.
0:10
Speaker 1: Now, the holidays are pretty much over right around the country,
0:13
Speaker 1: only a couple of places where kids are still not
0:16
Speaker 1: back at school, and it feels like there is a
0:19
Speaker 1: lot going on. And I don't know about you, Kylie,
0:23
Speaker 1: but I wouldn't mind taking a breather and having another
0:25
Speaker 1: holiday already. Feel like we need to recalibrate.
0:28
Speaker 2: I think everyone's in agreement that so much of COVID
0:32
Speaker 2: and the pandemic in general was awful. There was so
0:35
Speaker 2: much going on. But one of the things that we
0:38
Speaker 2: heard time and time again from families and specifically parents,
0:41
Speaker 2: was the acknowledgment that they loved the slower pace of life.
0:45
Speaker 2: There was less to do, less demands placed on us,
0:48
Speaker 2: and as a result, we were actually able to really
0:51
Speaker 2: just enjoy time with our families.
0:54
Speaker 1: It sounds almost like you're romanticizing one of the worst
0:56
Speaker 1: things that have happened this century, but yes, I know
0:59
Speaker 1: what you mean.
1:00
Speaker 2: Acknowledgement from that was that once life gotten back to
1:03
Speaker 2: normal inverted commas.
1:05
Speaker 1: Yeah, we're never going back to the way we were.
1:07
Speaker 1: We're never going to be that busy again.
1:08
Speaker 2: Detective is the word I'm looking for, right, protective of
1:11
Speaker 2: our time, so that we didn't end up in that
1:14
Speaker 2: rat race of fast paced living again.
1:17
Speaker 1: How's that balance feeling.
1:19
Speaker 2: I don't think it's working for most people today.
1:22
Speaker 1: A conversation about finding balance in twenty twenty four. There's
1:26
Speaker 1: a handful of things that we need to talk about
1:28
Speaker 1: if we want to get our lives balanced. And by
1:30
Speaker 1: the way, as a general rule, I've used this metaphor
1:33
Speaker 1: before walking across the tightrope. A tightrope walker is never
1:36
Speaker 1: actually balanced. They're always balance in that is, you're always
1:42
Speaker 1: leaning a bit too far this way or a bit
1:44
Speaker 1: too far that way. You're always in a process of balancing.
1:47
Speaker 1: So finding a balanced life is probably impossible, but working
1:51
Speaker 1: hard on balancing is kind of the way we get
1:54
Speaker 1: as close as we can.
1:56
Speaker 2: Well, we've got four things we want to share with
1:58
Speaker 2: you today.
1:59
Speaker 1: Thing number one, I want to talk about goal setting.
2:02
Speaker 1: So I've always been a big fan of goal setting,
2:05
Speaker 1: but I'm rethinking it a little bit. I don't want
2:08
Speaker 1: to say that we should throw goal setting out. I
2:09
Speaker 1: don't think that's helpful. Goals help us to be focused
2:12
Speaker 1: and help us to achieve and helps us help us
2:14
Speaker 1: to move in a direction that gives us purpose and meaning.
2:17
Speaker 1: There's a lot to like about goals, but there are
2:20
Speaker 1: two things that I struggle with when it comes to goals.
2:24
Speaker 1: The first one is that when you're making resolutions, what
2:26
Speaker 1: you're really doing is you're saying, here's all the stuff
2:28
Speaker 1: that I've failed at.
2:30
Speaker 2: And it's interesting that you say this because for years
2:32
Speaker 2: there's actually been a little bit of contention between you
2:35
Speaker 2: and I when it comes to goal setting sessions, because
2:38
Speaker 2: that's exactly how I feel. By the time we've finished it.
2:41
Speaker 2: I have this long list of all of the things
2:43
Speaker 2: that I'm actually not doing well or I'm not good at,
2:47
Speaker 2: and it leaves me feeling like I don't even know
2:50
Speaker 2: where to start. I've got this big list. But as
2:53
Speaker 2: I look back on the sessions that you and I
2:55
Speaker 2: have done over the years, we've set a goal for
2:57
Speaker 2: our physical health. We've set a goal for our mental health.
3:00
Speaker 2: We've set a goal for our emotional well being. We've
3:01
Speaker 2: set a goal for our spiritual lives. We've now set
3:04
Speaker 2: goals for how I can be a better mum, and
3:06
Speaker 2: how I can be a better wife, and how I
3:08
Speaker 2: can be a better member of the community.
3:10
Speaker 1: I think I should throw in just in case people
3:12
Speaker 1: think that I'm setting goals for you to be better mum,
3:14
Speaker 1: a better wife. I'm sitting them for me, and I'm
3:17
Speaker 1: setting them for me. We're doing them ALONGSIDINGHI just wanted
3:20
Speaker 1: to clarify.
3:21
Speaker 2: But here's this big list right that leaves me looking
3:24
Speaker 2: at it going WHOA. There is just so much for
3:27
Speaker 2: me to do to be the person I hope and
3:29
Speaker 2: want to be. And it's no wonder that there is
3:34
Speaker 2: so many memes and jokes out there about day four
3:37
Speaker 2: of the new year, and we've already slipped off the
3:39
Speaker 2: bandwagon because we can't possibly focus on that many things
3:44
Speaker 2: at the same time.
3:45
Speaker 1: I want to talk more about that in a sec
3:47
Speaker 1: but let's just focus on basic psychological needs for a second.
3:50
Speaker 1: I talk about this all the time. We need feel
3:53
Speaker 1: a sense of competence, a sense of relatedness, and a
3:55
Speaker 1: sense of autonomy. When you set goals based on what
4:00
Speaker 1: we've just been discussing, they're just a great big reminder
4:03
Speaker 1: of how incompetent you are. I wanted to get my
4:05
Speaker 1: diet and exercise under control again this year, and I
4:09
Speaker 1: just never seem to be able to get there, and
4:11
Speaker 1: so what we're doing is in big bold letters or lits,
4:14
Speaker 1: we're flashing out I'm not competent at this thing now.
4:17
Speaker 1: Sometimes that can be motivating, and sometimes we really can
4:20
Speaker 1: move the needle because of the goals, But more often
4:22
Speaker 1: than not, we see people failing at the goals because well,
4:26
Speaker 1: they're just a reminder of all of our incompetencies. The
4:29
Speaker 1: second issue that I have with goals is that goals
4:32
Speaker 1: are all about maximization and optimization, and they're well intentioned,
4:37
Speaker 1: and I don't have a problem with people wanting to
4:39
Speaker 1: be their best selves. I think this is really important.
4:41
Speaker 1: This is what growth and learning and development is all about.
4:44
Speaker 1: We want to be better than we are. However, it's exhausting.
4:50
Speaker 1: It is absolutely exhausting when we're focused on it this way.
4:54
Speaker 1: And in terms of finding balance, I'm not convinced that
4:57
Speaker 1: it's the best way for us to be balanced, which
5:00
Speaker 1: is why I wanted to do this podcast today.
5:03
Speaker 2: As you're talking, I have a mental picture of me
5:07
Speaker 2: for years staying in my exercise gear with my joggers on. Yes,
5:11
Speaker 2: because it meant in my mind physically I was ready
5:16
Speaker 2: to run, and the pure exhaustion that I felt at
5:19
Speaker 2: the end of those days because I was running literally
5:23
Speaker 2: all day. I feel exhausted just thinking about it.
5:28
Speaker 1: So the second thing that you said, or the thing
5:29
Speaker 1: that you said that I wanted to raise, was this
5:32
Speaker 1: idea of priorities, and I just want to quickly. I
5:34
Speaker 1: know this is a little bit of a geek out
5:36
Speaker 1: geek warning, but here's the thing. The word priority is
5:40
Speaker 1: an old French word and it used to basically mean
5:44
Speaker 1: having precedents in right or place, or rank or time.
5:48
Speaker 1: And although it's coming first, over the years we've changed
5:51
Speaker 1: the word priority to mean basically the thing that matters
5:54
Speaker 1: the most, the thing that requires the immediate attention, the
5:57
Speaker 1: thing that is more important than all the other things.
6:00
Speaker 1: That's the etymology of the word priority, and what we've
6:04
Speaker 1: done in twenty twenty whatever is turn this into we
6:07
Speaker 1: have a list of priorities. But you can't have everything
6:10
Speaker 1: coming first. You can't have a list of fifteen things.
6:13
Speaker 1: It all have to be our priority because the priority
6:15
Speaker 1: has to become first. You can't have fifteen people win
6:17
Speaker 1: the race when you.
6:18
Speaker 2: Look at that big long list. I might be doing
6:21
Speaker 2: absolutely amazing at my role as a mum, but as
6:23
Speaker 2: a result I'm letting go of other things on my
6:27
Speaker 2: list of priorities that leave me feeling a failure in
6:30
Speaker 2: that area. I can't be all things in all places.
6:33
Speaker 1: There's the typrope walk of balancing rather than being balanced again.
6:40
Speaker 2: So if there was a couple of ideas that we
6:41
Speaker 2: could share to help bring more balance into our lives
6:45
Speaker 2: this year, what would they be?
6:46
Speaker 1: Okay, I think number one. I'm going to emphasize this.
6:50
Speaker 1: We need to remember what recreation means. So recreation is
6:53
Speaker 1: made up of the prefix re follow the word creation.
6:57
Speaker 1: Recreating ourselves is what we do when we're supposed to
7:00
Speaker 1: have recreation. Where I'm going with this is if we
7:04
Speaker 1: remember what recreation really means and we schedule it like
7:08
Speaker 1: we actually create a system for daily recreation, we get
7:13
Speaker 1: to find balance. That is, we get to have the
7:15
Speaker 1: recovery that we need so that we can go again tomorrow.
7:18
Speaker 1: Case in point, as somebody who has been to far
7:21
Speaker 1: too many gyms and had far too many gym memberships
7:23
Speaker 1: over the years, something that I've learned is that if
7:26
Speaker 1: I'm going to go into the gym and do a workout,
7:28
Speaker 1: really really work I don't know a certain muscle group today,
7:32
Speaker 1: I need to give it a rest tomorrow so that
7:34
Speaker 1: it can be torn down and then rebuild stronger, so
7:37
Speaker 1: that the following day I can get back in there
7:40
Speaker 1: again and pump it once more. It's the break, It's
7:44
Speaker 1: the day off. It's the time away from the pushing
7:48
Speaker 1: and the pulling and the workout that actually makes me
7:52
Speaker 1: stronger if we want to find balance. And I know
7:55
Speaker 1: that this sounds impossible and unfair for people who are
7:57
Speaker 1: time poor parents who just want answers now scheduling, creating
8:01
Speaker 1: a system that facilitates recreation in our lives makes a huge,
8:07
Speaker 1: huge difference.
8:09
Speaker 2: I remember, in the early days of parenting, even just
8:13
Speaker 2: the notion of getting a night away with you oh
8:17
Speaker 2: felt well, yes, but it never felt like enough. I
8:21
Speaker 2: felt like I was so starved for that time away
8:24
Speaker 2: that I almost came away from it resenting it because
8:28
Speaker 2: there just wasn't never enough time. Whereas as our lives
8:32
Speaker 2: have progressed and time has become a little bit more
8:35
Speaker 2: achievable for us, a night away is heaven now. And
8:40
Speaker 2: so what I'm about to say is going to feel
8:41
Speaker 2: a little bit counterintuitive, because for mums and dads out
8:45
Speaker 2: there who don't feel like they get enough time. Simply
8:48
Speaker 2: going and sitting on the deck and having a Kappa
8:50
Speaker 2: by yourself for five minutes doesn't feel like a huge thing.
8:55
Speaker 2: But if you do this religiously, whatever it is five
8:58
Speaker 2: minutes alone, we might do it seven times in a day.
9:02
Speaker 2: But just taking five minutes out of the busyness to
9:06
Speaker 2: just have a breath of fresh air and time alone
9:10
Speaker 2: makes such a difference in our day to day lives.
9:12
Speaker 1: It's not the work level that beats us up, it's
9:14
Speaker 1: the inability for us to restore and recreate. Okay, so
9:17
Speaker 1: stress is unavoidable, and I'm going to say something that
9:21
Speaker 1: is a little bit provocative, but stress often feels really good.
9:23
Speaker 1: Like I love being full on, I love being really busy.
9:26
Speaker 1: I always had that mod I bought up more than
9:27
Speaker 1: you can chew and make it up as you go
9:28
Speaker 1: along because it feels productive and it feels really really exciting.
9:33
Speaker 1: But are we restoring ourselves enough? I guess this is
9:35
Speaker 1: the question that I'm asking here. We need to. I
9:38
Speaker 1: don't know if seven five minute breaks a day is
9:40
Speaker 1: really achievable, although you know what it probably is when
9:43
Speaker 1: you look at how many times you pick up your
9:44
Speaker 1: phone and spend five minutes on that game, or on
9:46
Speaker 1: that news side, or on that social media on TikTok
9:48
Speaker 1: or Instagram, snapchat or whatever it is.
9:50
Speaker 2: We think that that is a break, but it's actually not.
9:53
Speaker 2: It's not restoring us.
9:55
Speaker 1: That's what I was going to say. That kind of
9:56
Speaker 1: downtime is not a true break. It's not truly restorative.
10:02
Speaker 1: That kind of break works against us restoring and recovering
10:06
Speaker 1: and relaxing and resting. We're not actually present. And that's
10:09
Speaker 1: why what you've said about the Kappa or the walk,
10:13
Speaker 1: or just sitting out on the grass and staring at
10:15
Speaker 1: the clouds for five minutes is so much more restorative.
10:20
Speaker 2: One of the things that we've done this year, well.
10:22
Speaker 1: We've planned for we haven't done it yet, it's about
10:24
Speaker 1: to start.
10:26
Speaker 2: We've made a conscious effort to carve out time. We've
10:29
Speaker 2: never actually done this before, but as part of my
10:32
Speaker 2: Christmas present, I asked specifically for designated committed time together
10:41
Speaker 2: in the diary. So for Christmas, you gave me a
10:43
Speaker 2: whole handful, fourteen of them to be exact envelopes, And
10:47
Speaker 2: inside each of those envelopes was a card with designated
10:52
Speaker 2: dates and places where we would spend time together, either
10:56
Speaker 2: as a couple or as a family. They are in
10:59
Speaker 2: the diary, so everything else now falls around that. In
11:03
Speaker 2: previous years, we've looked at the diary after all of
11:06
Speaker 2: your work commitments have gone in and tried to squeeze
11:08
Speaker 2: it in and around work, and it hasn't been very good.
11:12
Speaker 2: So this year we're trying something different. And I can't
11:15
Speaker 2: tell you how exciting it is to look at my
11:18
Speaker 2: calendar and go, Okay, I've just got to get through
11:20
Speaker 2: two weeks and then I'm going to spend time with
11:22
Speaker 2: Justin alone, or in four weeks time, our family is
11:26
Speaker 2: going to have just a micro holiday three nights away
11:29
Speaker 2: down on the coast or whatever it is, just knowing
11:33
Speaker 2: that nothing else can infiltrate that time.
11:37
Speaker 1: Now. I don't want this to sound overly privileged or anything.
11:40
Speaker 1: Either we're not doing expensive stuff. This is a one
11:43
Speaker 1: night or a two night camping holiday, or we're going
11:47
Speaker 1: to family and we're going to crash in the living
11:49
Speaker 1: room at my mum and dad's place or whatever it is.
11:51
Speaker 1: So we're we're not spending big money, but we've just
11:54
Speaker 1: carved out the time. The idea for it from me
11:56
Speaker 1: came from a study that I came across that highlighted
11:59
Speaker 1: that people who take one big break every year are
12:03
Speaker 1: a lot more stressed and a lot less balanced than
12:06
Speaker 1: people who take three or four or five mini breaks
12:10
Speaker 1: every year. So every month or every couple of months,
12:12
Speaker 1: they've got that little thing to look forward to. Once again,
12:15
Speaker 1: this is about recreation, this is about restoration, this is
12:19
Speaker 1: about recovery. We want to do it in little ways
12:22
Speaker 1: each day, for five minutes here and five minutes there,
12:24
Speaker 1: without staring at your phone, and we want to do
12:27
Speaker 1: it in slightly bigger ways by having truly connected time together,
12:33
Speaker 1: maybe on a weekly or a monthly or a bi
12:36
Speaker 1: monthly basis.
12:37
Speaker 2: I think the only other thing I really want to
12:39
Speaker 2: highlight in relation to this, especially for mums who feel
12:44
Speaker 2: the need to do and be everything to everyone, taking
12:47
Speaker 2: time out feels a little bit selfish, It feels a
12:51
Speaker 2: little bit greedy. It feels like there are so many
12:55
Speaker 2: other priorities that need to be taken care of.
12:58
Speaker 1: There's that priorities thing again.
13:00
Speaker 2: But having experienced both sides of the equation in my
13:04
Speaker 2: own life, I'm a better mum when I choose to
13:09
Speaker 2: prioritize time for myself. I come back a better person,
13:15
Speaker 2: more refreshed, more capable of giving my children all of
13:19
Speaker 2: the things that they need as opposed to just keep going,
13:23
Speaker 2: just keep pushing through, just keep being.
13:25
Speaker 1: So it's the balance of me time versus we time.
13:27
Speaker 1: But it's also making sure that I mean we're using
13:29
Speaker 1: the word balance again, but it's making sure that that
13:31
Speaker 1: me time is actually restorative. It's not time spent staying
13:36
Speaker 1: up late and partying and goofing off. It's actually about
13:39
Speaker 1: genuinely restoring.
13:41
Speaker 2: No matter how well structured we are, how well planned
13:44
Speaker 2: we have everything in our lives, the reality is life
13:49
Speaker 2: just sends us curveballs all the time, whether it's a
13:51
Speaker 2: sick kid, it's teething, it's a loved one passes away,
13:57
Speaker 2: Like there is just so many things that could go
14:00
Speaker 2: wrong at any given time. And that being the case,
14:04
Speaker 2: what are some things that we can do, like tangible
14:07
Speaker 2: things that we can do to help set us up
14:11
Speaker 2: to cope better in those times.
14:13
Speaker 1: I'm so glad that you use that word for balance.
14:15
Speaker 1: We don't just have to set up good systems and
14:18
Speaker 1: work on our balancing. We've got to be able to cope.
14:20
Speaker 1: We've got to be resilient. I think of resilience as
14:23
Speaker 1: an essential part of being balanced or being good at balancing.
14:28
Speaker 1: There are people who cope in less healthy ways, so
14:30
Speaker 1: there's anger and withdrawal, maybe there's alcohol use or just screens,
14:35
Speaker 1: and then there are healthy ways to build our resilience.
14:38
Speaker 1: So that's time in relationships, it's time in nature, it's
14:41
Speaker 1: time being still. Physical activity. Physical activity is so important,
14:47
Speaker 1: like it just makes such a difference for your resilience
14:50
Speaker 1: and your well being. But it's also doing things like,
14:54
Speaker 1: rather than being emotional about a problem, having a problem
14:59
Speaker 1: solving focus. So maybe you sit down with the kids
15:01
Speaker 1: and say, guys, we need to do a three e's conversation.
15:04
Speaker 1: We need to explore what's going on. I need to
15:06
Speaker 1: explain some things to you about what we need in
15:08
Speaker 1: our family, and I need to empower you so that
15:10
Speaker 1: we can come up with a solution together that is
15:12
Speaker 1: going to work. Because things are not going well right now.
15:15
Speaker 1: It's that kind of a process where we find out
15:19
Speaker 1: how we can cope when things are going poorly and
15:23
Speaker 1: then get the systems in place so that things can
15:26
Speaker 1: go right more often.
15:28
Speaker 2: So for the time, poor parent who just wants answers now, Yeah.
15:31
Speaker 1: Here's too long didn't read version again.
15:34
Speaker 2: You're suggesting a few things that are going to help
15:36
Speaker 2: make a huge difference to finding balance this year. The
15:38
Speaker 2: idea that routines and structures reflect the priorities that we
15:43
Speaker 2: have in our lives.
15:44
Speaker 1: Yes, definitely. In fact, I would go one step further
15:47
Speaker 1: than that. If you show me your habits, I'll show
15:50
Speaker 1: you your future.
15:52
Speaker 2: I like that a lot. The second thing that we've
15:57
Speaker 2: shared today is the acknowledgment that recreation. Recreation is the
16:04
Speaker 2: ability to recreate ourselves and give us the opportunity to restore, replenish,
16:11
Speaker 2: and rejuvenate so that we can show up better.
16:14
Speaker 1: Yeah, and lastly, work on resilience skills so that you
16:18
Speaker 1: can cope when things don't quite work out the way
16:21
Speaker 1: you were really hoping that they would.
16:23
Speaker 2: Well, I'm just going to put it out there. I'm
16:25
Speaker 2: really loving this new you. The notion that we're no
16:29
Speaker 2: longer going to have to bite off more than we
16:30
Speaker 2: can chew feels very very good to me.
16:34
Speaker 1: Actually, the reason that I'm saying all of this is
16:37
Speaker 1: because I've bitten off more than I can chew.
16:40
Speaker 2: Really, if we go back to the words that you
16:42
Speaker 2: and I chose this year, you've got presence. Mine is embrace.
16:45
Speaker 2: You can't embrace someone quickly, and embrace takes all of you,
16:51
Speaker 2: and it takes time.
16:53
Speaker 1: And so I've just got this picture of two rugby
16:55
Speaker 1: league players running in each other, running at each other
16:57
Speaker 1: to embrace one another.
16:59
Speaker 2: It's a body. Yeah. So for me, I guess our
17:03
Speaker 2: words actually are very similar for different reasons. I just
17:07
Speaker 2: want to slow things down and really embrace each moment
17:10
Speaker 2: as it comes, and you and your notion of being
17:14
Speaker 2: present allows you to do exactly the same thing.
17:16
Speaker 1: The Happy Famili's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
17:19
Speaker 1: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. We hope
17:22
Speaker 1: that this podcast has helped you to find balance in
17:24
Speaker 1: your life. If you'd like to find even more balance,
17:26
Speaker 1: please check out our brand new membership. It's called The Quest.
17:30
Speaker 1: The Quest is taking you, step by step through a
17:33
Speaker 1: process that is designed to help you to be present,
17:36
Speaker 1: to find that balance, to embrace family life and make
17:40
Speaker 1: it work for you and your whole family. All the
17:42
Speaker 1: details are at Happy families dot com dot a u