Latest / The Impossible Life / 341. How to Win Every Argument - Dr. Robi Sonderegger's Foolproof Process

Transcript

341. How to Win Every Argument - Dr. Robi Sonderegger's Foolproof Process · The Impossible Life

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: That's impossible let me tell you what i believe.
• 0:02
  Speaker 2: But your weakness is not your technique.
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Don't think you are no you are the impossible life podcast.
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: I mean you're sitting on a winning lottery ticket an
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: idea that is fully formed fully understood that sticks.
• 0:22
  Speaker 3: This is the impossible life podcast because Nick and I
• 0:26
  Speaker 3: are attempting to live impossible lives. What we know is
• 0:30
  Speaker 3: that nothing is impossible. So instead of using impossible as
• 0:34
  Speaker 3: an excuse to not try, we'll use the pursuit of
• 0:37
  Speaker 3: impossible as an accelerant for greatness. If something's never been
• 0:42
  Speaker 3: done before, that just means it's unexplored. If they tell
• 0:46
  Speaker 3: you it's too hard, it's just waiting to be simplified.
• 0:50
  Speaker 3: Impossible is a default label used by uncourageous people unwilling
• 0:55
  Speaker 3: to take a risk. The real truth is this. The
• 0:58
  Speaker 3: solution to any impossible task starts with this question. If
• 1:03
  Speaker 3: I had to, what would it take?
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: What would it take?
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  Speaker 4: What would it take?
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  Speaker 1: Welcome to another episode of the Impossible Life Podcast. I'm
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: your co-host, Nick Surface, and I'm looking across at a
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: man whose version of conflict resolution involves a round of 9mm.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: That's right, friends, the FOMO ABC.
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: Garrett Unklebach, a man who knows.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: Marksmanship is a form of communication.
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  Speaker 3: Can solve this conflict with less than 99 cents.
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  Speaker 1: Wow, what a guy. Can you come over and solve
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  Speaker 1: some of my conflicts for me? It's a one-time offer, right?
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  Speaker 1: All right. So we did not just stay in the
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: same clothes for a week. We, in fact, decided to
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: do a little back-to-back here because we had Dr. Robbie
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: and we're like, man, love Dr.
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  Speaker 3: Robbie.
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  Speaker 1: So this technically makes you a five-time guest. So you're like,
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  Speaker 1: no one's even close.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, five-time guest and Dr. Robbie is our first time
• 1:57
  Speaker 3: to ever have a guest for a Shortcast or a
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: Tools and Tactics episode and so poignant for that to
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  Speaker 3: be Dr. Robbie who offers so many philosophical, intellectual devices
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  Speaker 3: for us to use.
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  Speaker 1: So love that we have Dr. Robbie today for Tools
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: and Tactics. Dude, and let me tell you, we've done
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: a lot of good Tools and Tactics episodes. I'm obviously biased,
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  Speaker 1: but man, sit up and pay attention. Dr. Robbie is
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  Speaker 1: going to give you, and when I say like a
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  Speaker 1: conflict resolution framework, this is like step-by-step. And why am
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: I saying this? And she listens to every episode, so
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  Speaker 1: I know I'm going to have this conversation. Love you, babe.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: I use this. Dr. Robbie came a few months back
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  Speaker 1: and gave us this exact conflict resolution framework. And my
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  Speaker 1: wife and I, like I said to you before, we've
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  Speaker 1: never had like a big knockdown drag out argument. But
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  Speaker 1: you have your disagreements and things that there's tension on.
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  Speaker 1: And it just so happened that the night after you came,
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  Speaker 1: we were having a discussion and I was like, oh,
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  Speaker 1: this is my chance. And I went right through the steps.
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  Speaker 1: The conflict was resolved brilliantly. And I felt like I
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  Speaker 1: actually knew what I was doing. It wasn't like, there
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  Speaker 1: was no sort of like, oh, well, you know, maybe
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: I'll try. I was just like, we're on step two.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: So I wanted to give this, I wanted to give this.
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  Speaker 3: No, this is such a powerful tool. This is, and
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: you know, we give away a lot of tools here.
• 3:08
  Speaker 3: Some of our tools are, I wouldn't say obscure, but
• 3:11
  Speaker 3: it's like, I don't use that all the time or
• 3:13
  Speaker 3: the very specific situations. You know, what Dr. Robbie is
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  Speaker 3: about to give today, this is a, This is a
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  Speaker 3: set of pliers. This is a screwdriver. This is a
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  Speaker 3: pocket knife. This is one that you're going to use
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  Speaker 3: all the time.
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  Speaker 1: It has a very specific use case. I mean, I
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  Speaker 1: know everybody else's marriage never has any conflict, and everybody
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: else's relationships are perfectly smooth. So they're not going to
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  Speaker 1: find this as useful as perhaps I did. But yeah,
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  Speaker 1: I don't want to dress it up anymore.
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  Speaker 2: Dr.
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  Speaker 1: Robbie, please give us that brilliant conflict resolution framework that
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: you have.
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  Speaker 2: So the question is, how do you win an argument?
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  Speaker 2: First time, every time, hands down, guaranteed. And everyone's like, okay,
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: turn the volume up.
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  Speaker 1: There's a saying in the SEAL team, it's the first time,
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  Speaker 1: every time. Sorry.
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  Speaker 2: But it's premised on the understanding that if one person
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  Speaker 2: wins an argument and the other person loses, consider yourself
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  Speaker 2: tied by a rope and you're climbing a mountain together.
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: If one person falls, both will fall. And so the
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: target is absolutely actually both have to win in order
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: for you to succeed. And there is a formula that
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: you can use. And I like to think of it
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  Speaker 2: like cooking. So most cooking has a recipe and in
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  Speaker 2: a recipe, there is two columns. There is the ingredients
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  Speaker 2: list and there's the instruction list. You know, what to prepare,
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  Speaker 2: grease the oven, put it on 190 degree. I don't know,
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  Speaker 2: whatever your Fahrenheit tempered.
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  Speaker 3: What do you cook?
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  Speaker 2: 350, 400?
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  Speaker 1: 190? You're not going to get my chicken cooked for that. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: So there's only three ingredients. And so I call this
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  Speaker 2: the three-step problem-solving plan. So pretty much any bloke should
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  Speaker 2: be able to pull this off.
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  Speaker 4: Women.
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  Speaker 2: You've got this nailed already before we've even started. So
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  Speaker 2: here's the deal. First step is to simply inquire why. As,
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  Speaker 2: you know, the seven habits man, as I like to
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: call him, the secrets that are attached to good habits.
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  Speaker 2: What's the author's name?
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  Speaker 1: Atomic Habits, G.
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  Speaker 2: No, not Atomic Habits. Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.
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  Speaker 1: Stephen Covey.
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  Speaker 2: There he is. As he would say, so poignantly, seek
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  Speaker 2: first to understand before trying to be understood. So all
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: we have to do is ask the question why. But
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  Speaker 2: the way in which we ask it, so that's ingredient
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  Speaker 2: number one, but here's the instruction on the other side
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  Speaker 2: of the list. No negative emotion. If there is any
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  Speaker 2: hint of negative emotion in your voice, you've already failed.
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  Speaker 2: So instead of why do you, no, no, no. Help
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  Speaker 2: me to understand why it is that you feel so
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  Speaker 2: strongly about whatever the topic is that you might be discussing.
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  Speaker 3: It's not what you say, it's how you say it.
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  Speaker 1: I often ask you why you're the way that you are.
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  Speaker 1: But like, I think there's too much emotion.
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  Speaker 3: The no negativity piece is, that is the linchpin there.
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  Speaker 2: So here's the key to this question. Please note, I
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  Speaker 2: didn't say, help me to understand why it is that
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  Speaker 2: you think. Rather, here's the instruction on the instructions list.
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: focus on the feeling. And here's your takeaway principle. No
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  Speaker 2: argument is ever about the topic. It is always about
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: the emotion that fuels the topic. So if you can
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  Speaker 2: address the emotion, you will successfully navigate your way through
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  Speaker 2: the conflict. So help me to understand why is it
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  Speaker 2: that you feel so strongly about this? And let's just
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: say the party that you're having an argument with gives
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: it to you both barrels and lets you know in
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: no uncertain terms why they're upset and all the rest
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  Speaker 2: of it. And our response is not to argue back.
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  Speaker 2: It is to simply, ingredient number two, ready? Write it down.
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  Speaker 2: Simply paraphrase back. So paraphrase comes from the word parrot phrase. Maybe,
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: maybe not, but let's just pretend. Because if you ever
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: say to a parrot, cocky want a cracker? It never
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  Speaker 2: answers the question. It never says.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, please.
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  Speaker 2: It just repeats the same thing back to you.
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  Speaker 1: Cocky want a cracker?
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  Speaker 2: Cocky want a cracker? And so we just simply repeat
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  Speaker 2: back in our own words, paraphrasing what it is that
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  Speaker 2: they said. Now, it doesn't look as though we are
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  Speaker 2: winning the argument, but we end the paraphrase with, is
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  Speaker 2: that right? So we're seeking... to understand. I want to
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  Speaker 2: make sure that I actually got this right. Now, if
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  Speaker 2: it's not right, they'll clarify it for you and then
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  Speaker 2: paraphrase again. Just, okay, so if I've understood you correctly,
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  Speaker 2: what you're saying is that you feel da-da-da-da and we
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  Speaker 2: fill in the blanks, is that right? And they say, yes,
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  Speaker 2: you finally got it, Nick, through your thick skull. Yes,
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  Speaker 2: that's exactly why I'm so upset or why I want
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  Speaker 2: my way or whatever it might be.
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  Speaker 1: It's like you're in my house, yeah.
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  Speaker 2: But in so doing, we have now just changed the problem.
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  Speaker 2: As we said before, it's not about the topic. It's
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  Speaker 2: about the emotion. So as I say to you, help
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  Speaker 2: me to understand why it is that you feel, and
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: then they tell you why they feel so strongly, and
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  Speaker 2: then you paraphrase it back. So if I understand you correctly,
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  Speaker 2: what you're saying is you feel really anxious about about
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  Speaker 2: this situation because blah, blah, blah, or you feel really
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  Speaker 2: upset about, and we are now naming and claiming the feeling.
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  Speaker 2: And in so doing, we've changed the problem. The problem
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  Speaker 2: is no longer about the topic. The real problem is
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  Speaker 2: that you're upset or that you're anxious or that when
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  Speaker 2: we name and claim the feeling, now we're able to
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  Speaker 2: solve it. Because if one person wants to go left
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: up the mountain, one person wants to go right up
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  Speaker 2: the mountain, well, if one person gets their way, well,
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  Speaker 2: the other loses. And so a lot of people say, well,
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: just compromise. Go up the middle way. No, that's where
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: both people don't get their way. What you ultimately want
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: is the party that you're having conflict with is to
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: say to you, well, how about this? And they give
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: you a solution that is right out of exactly what
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  Speaker 2: you were thinking. So they give you what you want.
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  Speaker 2: And now because they're giving it to you, do you
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  Speaker 2: think they're going to go with it? Absolutely. Why? It's
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: their idea. So our number three ingredient is simply find
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  Speaker 2: a win-win solution. In other words, both have to win.
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  Speaker 2: But here's the psychological principle. The person who bargains second
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  Speaker 2: is always more powerful. So men, listen up now, never,
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: ever offer the first solution. Because we are Mr.
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: Fix-It.
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: We've got the solution already before we even the argument started. Like,
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: I know what you need to, you just need to stop,
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: time out for just a second. And we simply say,
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: so what kind of solution do you think we can
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: come up with That would help you feel less anxious,
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  Speaker 2: less upset, less whatever the name and claim the feeling
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: once again, but that will also help me. And then
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: you name what it is that you want, what your
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: win is. And so the person, when you're negotiating, when
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: you're over something that you're trying to purchase, you never
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: say to the person, I'll give you 30 bucks for
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: this thing.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: Right, don't be the first to give a number.
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: Never give the number first. Always ask them, how much
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: for this? And then they might say, 30 bucks. You go,
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: 30 bucks? No, I'm not paying 30 bucks. I'll give
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: you 15. Because the person who bargained second is more powerful.
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: So as we come up with whatever solution, whatever situation
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: that they are proposing as a resolution... Well, when I
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: receive it and I want to validate them and say, wow,
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: I really see that you're trying to make inroads and
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: come to a solution. I really like that. But what
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: if we did this? And because I'm arguing second now,
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: I'm actually arguing with somebody who has had their feelings validated.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: One, help me to understand why it is that you
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: feel so strongly. Number two, so if I've understood you correctly,
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: what you're saying is that you feel like this. Is
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: that correct? Validated feelings. And now when it comes to
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: the win-win solution, you're in a much better position to
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: actually come up with a rational, logical, reasonable solution. But
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: because they're arguing first and presenting a solution, well, great.
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: All I need to do now is make sure that
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: whatever solution I come back as a second validates the
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: emotion or solves the emotional problem. So you're saying to
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: me that if we did it like this, this could
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: actually make you feel comfortable. All right, great. Would it
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: also make you feel comfortable if we did it like that,
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: but also with this twist or this diviate or this
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: addendum to it? And if they come to a place
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: where they go, you know what? Yeah, it seems pretty reasonable.
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: then congratulations, you have walked away with a win-win outcome.
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: But here's one final little tip. If the conversation gets heated...
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: Once emotions rise, once your heart is beating more than
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: a certain number of beats per minute, it's virtually impossible
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: to resolve an argument. So either stop the argument and
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: come back to it. Because I said, hey, this is
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: first time, hands down, every time guaranteed. But if it
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: didn't work for you, then go back to the list
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: and say, well, hang on, what did I miss? Did
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: I do all of the things? Or did I talk
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: about the topic instead of the field? Go back and
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: then come back in a little while when everything's calmed
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: down and try again. Or better yet, go for a walk.
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: And 15 minutes into the walk, start the conversation. Hey,
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: I've been thinking, why is it that you feel so
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: strongly about blah, blah, blah? Walking helps to release endorphins.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: Endorphins are happy chemicals, sounds like dolphins, and you've never
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: seen a depressed dolphin. You've got these happy little critters
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: swimming in your bloodstream. And so it's hard to feel
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: bad when you feel so good. So when you're having
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: to resolve a difficult situation where there's heightened emotion, Do
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: it while walking, and you've got a much better chance
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: of walking away with a great outcome.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: That's so good, man. And like I said, I've used this. Now,
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: here's what I want to ask you, because I remember
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: I take copious amounts of notes on my phone. You
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: gave us an example of trying to take your daughter
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: to a war-torn country where you use this. Can you
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: tell that story of how you use this exactly? I
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: like sometimes you're like, there is no way that that's
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: ever going to happen because it's when you put it one, two, three,
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: I think for the, you know, the common person is
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: an optimist. Like myself, it's like, awesome. Let's just go
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: use it. And then you get in there and you're like,
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: Oh wait, I like, this is, I didn't think about this.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: Can you give that example? Cause I thought you just,
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: when you, when I heard that story for whatever that,
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: that helped me click, I'm hoping it helps a few
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: other people click.
• 12:25
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: So look, you know, I travel a lot and I
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: don't want to be the expert on family who's away
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: from their family. And so wherever I go, I usually
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: line up the kids and I've got five of them.
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: So there's plenty to go around. So right here in America,
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: I'm here with my youngest daughter at the moment. And
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: so wherever I go, I like to take a kid
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: with me and they've been traveling with me since the
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: age of five. And so it was my daughter's turn
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: and she was all of five years of age and
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: I was heading to Ukraine. And it was a little
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: while ago. It was actually before the war. But I
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: was going to work with organizations who rescue young girls
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: out of human trafficking. And at that time, Ukraine was
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: one of the human trafficking capitals of the world where
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: kids are trafficked from. And so my wife was like
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: over my dead body.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: Well, because you asked. I was laughing. If you were
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: watching the video, I'm not laughing at what was going on.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: I'm laughing because of the absurdity of going to your wife, hey,
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: I'm going to go help some people in sex trafficking.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: Can I bring my daughter? I don't know that many
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: would be like, yeah, great. See you next week. I mean, that's,
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: you know, I don't know that you could ask for
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: make a worse ask.
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: And I think to any mother who might be listening
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: to this, like right on, she's spot on. Like, why
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: would you do that? That's irresponsible. And, you know, fair, fair,
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: fair call. But, you know, shout out to that amazing
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: mother of my daughter who, you know, at least had
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: the willingness to have the conversation. And so I started with, okay,
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: so help me understand why it is that you feel
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: so strongly about me not taking our daughter to, you know, Ukraine.
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: And so she gave me all of the reasons, which
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: are fair and reasonable, that any mother would have. And
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: then I simply said, okay, so if I've understood you correctly,
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: what you're saying is that you feel anxious that, you know,
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: one of the best ways that human traffickers would love
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: to get back at our family would be to abduct
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: our daughter. Is that right? And she's pretty much spot on. Okay,
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: so what kind of solution do you think that we
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: could come up with that would help you feel safe
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: and confident? Now, in other words, what would it take? Like,
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: would there be a way that you would actually feel.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: If you had to.
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: If you had to. What would it take?
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: We should put that in our podcast.
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: Confident in the knowledge that your daughter would be safe.
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: What would it take? And, you know, maybe she mentioned
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: the CIA and the FBI would have to come with
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: me and, you know, things that well, probably not very
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: logistically possible, but at least there was an offer on
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: the table. She's saying, well, there would be a way
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: to make my feelings subside or this anxiety be abated.
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: And so I'm like, well, what would it take? I'd
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: need to know like where she's with every second of
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: the day and, and you know, who's with her and
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: have they been vetted? And is there more than one person?
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: And like, what are the checks and balances to make sure?
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: I'm like, okay, so what if we were to sit
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: down and actually create a list? I might not be
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: able to tell you every second of the day, but
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: what if we did it in 15 half-hour increments? So
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: she's going to be here and she's going to be
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: looked after by these people and these people are going
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: to be vetted and it's going to be two women,
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: no less than two at one time, who are going
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: to already have background checks. And so I will know
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: and you will know where she is at every minute
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: of that day because it's pre-planned and organized in advance.
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: And so basically we negotiated a strategy plan a strategy
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: that could actually abate the anxiety. And please note, so
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: if I just forced my way and said, well, I'm
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: the man of the house and this is how it's
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: going to be. And this is our family policy. The
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: kids come with, well, you know, I'm shooting myself and
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: my family in the foot. So I want to be
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: understanding of that feeling and be considerate and compassionate and
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: kind every step of that way. And to her credit,
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: She said, all right, if these things were addressed and
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: we had an action plan and I had this knowledge
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: in advance, then I guess I would face that fear
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: like every mother would. And all right, I'd be confident
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: that she would be safe. And she came, but it
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: almost didn't end well. So you've got to follow through
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: on your end of the bargain and actually make sure
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: she is safe because on our way back, from Ukraine.
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: We stopped via Heathrow Airport in London and I was
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: traveling on a British passport because I was born there
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: and my daughter was traveling on an Aussie passport. I've
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: got a few different passports. And so I thought this
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: could just look a little suspicious, you know, a grown
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: man traveling with a little five-year-old blonde cutie from the
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: human trafficking, one of the human trafficking capitals of the world.
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: This look could be a little suspicious because we're on
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: two different passports. And so I picked her up, put
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: her on my hip and presented our passports and the
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: The immigration official looked at her and said, and who
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: is this man? To which my daughter said, I don't know.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: And my life flashed before my eyes.
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: I'm like, no, how do I explain this to my wife? Like, sorry, sweetheart,
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: but she got, you know. Yeah. So thankfully, I tickled her.
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: She laughed. The immigration official laughed. And we went through.
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: But man, my life flashed before my eyes. So it's
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: important to follow through on your end of the bargain.
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: Man, I think you just made a bunch of salespeople rich.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: Because the reason I wanted you to tell that example,
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: because I think it's so genius how you went from
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: over my dead body. to two steps later, it's like,
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: I'm thinking of Jim Carrey, Pastor Keith always likes to quote, say,
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: you're telling me there's a chance. And he's like, what's
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: the chances of a guy like you and a girl
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: like me get together? And she goes, not good. And
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: he goes, not good like one in a hundred? She'd say,
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: I say more like one in a million. And he goes,
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: so you're telling me there's a chance. And that's what
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: you did with your wife is you said, well, surely like,
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: so what, if I had CIA, you're telling me you
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: still wouldn't? Because once you have that agreement, it was like, well,
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: if you had the CIA, it's like, well, there is
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: a possibility. And that was it. You said, well, what
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: would it take for you to feel is, like you said,
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: giving the first offer. But it's not like, hey, make
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: me an offer. It's like it's presenting the solution in
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: a much different way. I just think that's such a
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: genius way.
• 18:04
  Speaker 3: I want to ask you a question. So, Ben, this
• 18:09
  Speaker 3: isn't one that I know the perfect answer to. This
• 18:11
  Speaker 3: is going to be a judgment, guidance, wisdom, experience answer.
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: Sometimes when you're trying to make.
• 18:18
  Speaker 3: These difficult negotiations... somebody who's just really stuck on something,
• 18:23
  Speaker 3: you realize, okay, I'm not going to get as far
• 18:26
  Speaker 3: as I want to get in this one conversation. Maybe
• 18:29
  Speaker 3: this is going to take two or three or four
• 18:31
  Speaker 3: or many more attempts. How do you know how far
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: you can push in a negotiation before you say, okay,
• 18:39
  Speaker 3: this is where I should stop and I'm going to
• 18:42
  Speaker 3: come back and try again?
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: Let emotions be your guide. So as we said before,
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: if heat enters into the equation, there's almost no chance
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: of walking away with a successful outcome. But if you
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: are able to lower the temperature in the conversation, come
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: back at a time where it's more reasonable or you're
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: walking as you're talking, you have a greater statistical probability
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: of coming with an outcome. But also it's the person
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: that you're working with has to be reasonable enough And rational,
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: if they're irrational, and oftentimes that is only the case
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: because their emotions are involved. So as the saying goes,
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: the more emotional you become, the less logical and rational
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: or intelligent you become. And so in order to reverse that,
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: we have to lower the emotion. And so if emotion
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: is coming into it, you know... and come back because
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: something hasn't worked. We haven't actually validated the feeling properly.
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: We need to go back and do that properly again
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: at a later time when the temperature has come down.
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: But I should also say, and this example, kudos to...
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: that amazing woman who was willing to learn. The mom
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: of my daughter who actually Faced her fear. So we
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: talked previously about suffering. She's facing her suffering. And I
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: think through this experience of being able to come to
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: a successful strategy and so that she's actually learning to
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: grow within herself to go, all right, there are difficult
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: things that I can face and I can face them
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: well in unity together with my life partner where we
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: are coming up with agreements together. Together in unity and
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: where there's unity, God commands a blessing. And I think
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: that growth enabled her to face even difficult, more difficult
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: situations in her future.
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so good. So there is the ultimate conflict resolution guide.
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: Remember what you said at the beginning, you said you
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: can win every argument, but you said the best argument,
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: the best win is when it's a win-win.
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: It's the only win.
• 20:45
  Speaker 4: Thank you very much for listening, guys. Remember to share, like, subscribe.
• 20:50
  Speaker 4: If you think that this would be something that someone
• 20:52
  Speaker 4: would enjoy, please send it to them.
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: We appreciate it all.
• 20:55
  Speaker 4: If you want to get in touch, you can follow
• 20:56
  Speaker 4: us on Instagram at The Impossible Life.
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: You'll find us on there.
• 21:00
  Speaker 4: You can also email at impossiblelifepodcast at gmail.com. If you
• 21:05
  Speaker 4: have any questions, if you want to get in touch
• 21:06
  Speaker 4: and find out about Garrett's personal or business coaching, that's
• 21:09
  Speaker 4: the way to do it. Thank you again for listening.
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: Go out there, think better, and live the impossible. See
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: you again soon. Thank you.