Latest / Self Love Podcast / Addictions That Took Over My Life.

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Addictions That Took Over My Life. · Self Love Podcast

• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Good morning, free spirits.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to another episode of Live Walking Journey.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: And to all my new free spirits, hi guys, welcome.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: This is Sergio, your host.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: How's everyone doing?
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: I hope everybody's doing amazing.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's officially the end of the month.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: July has come to a sad end.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope all of you guys are having a great summer.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope July treated you guys well.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: If you went through things, just remember, guys, it's not that serious.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a lesson for you to learn.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Take whatever you can out of it.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Don't stress over it.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's just life.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Life will continue to always be that way.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's just about how you handle it.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's get started.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, guys.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: On today's episode, I wanted to talk about addiction.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Addiction.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: What does that mean?
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't mean necessarily that you have to be addicted to, like, say, for instance, drugs and alcohol.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because addiction could be anything, honestly, guys.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Addiction could be a person, uh, addiction can be pornography, addiction can be sex, addiction obviously can be alcohol, drugs, uh, weed, it could be any little thing that you can pick up, something that makes you feel safe.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I think I'm finally ready to face.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I've been ready for a long time, and I feel like I have accepted it a long time ago.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but now I'm just like, okay, I feel more comfortable and I feel more safe talking about it.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now that I'm a little healed and my mentality is different.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um I wanted to talk about my addictions, uh, the addictions that I grew up with, uh, up to maybe I want to say maybe three, four years ago.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Which you know, at a at one point I was embarrassed about it, but now I don't give a shit.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, now I just want to talk about it because we all go through it, you know.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: We that that's part of humankind, that's part of us, that's what helps us grow and mature and become different individuals.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: For me, given the history that I had as a child, as many of you have known, um I was sexually molested at a very, very young age.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: I know that I have said before that it started when I was 11 with a certain individual, which was my mom's ex-boyfriend.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but it actually happened way before that.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: I think it happened when either I was eight or nine, um, because of a family member.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Someone that obviously my mom entrusted in a lot, and I feel like it happened a lot growing up uh with people that my mom trusted that would take advantage of.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm hoping it's just me.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it would break my heart if it was my siblings, um, only because there are certain individuals in my family that are suffering from what I want to say is like self-destruction, and I feel like it's from something that maybe they went through, they haven't faced or they haven't accepted, which I hope that's not the case, you know.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: But my addiction throughout my whole life, up to maybe when I was 29 or 30, right when I left my last relationship, and I came and I finally came to understand that I needed to fucking make changes because that wasn't okay.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: My addiction was sex, guys.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: I unfortunately you know felt that that was a way of showing happiness, I guess.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Not happiness, more like acceptance.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um I guess that's the way that uh majority of us identify with, sorry, as far as meaning like we think it's normal of giving ourselves excuse me, giving ourselves up her body to someone to please someone else's needs.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: So obviously, because of me being sexually abused throughout my whole teens, um, you know, obviously I was very, very, very, very, very, very sexually active.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: I was constantly watching pornography because that's all I knew.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the devil unfortunately did reach me, and I fell into that addiction of wanting to just sleep around and have sex with people, and because I just wanted to feel loved, you know, that's I could use sex for love.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um got into this long-term relationship, and obviously I started noticing that this person wasn't making me happy sexually or in any any type of way, so I started looking outside of the relationship.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I would admit, I did step out of this really in this long-term relationship because this certain individual that I was with and dating, which I'm pretty sure everybody knows because obviously I was with him for a long time.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I would go through his phone when he didn't know, and I saw that he was constantly having sexual fantasies or sexual, I guess, texts with other people.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, fuck it, like you know, I'm gonna do the same thing.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, like, you're not gonna be the only one to have fun, you know.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I I I I moved obviously hours away to be here with with you, and you know, you're doing this to me, which you know that's a whole different story.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: But in that relationship, I noticed that I also was very, very sexually active.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: I constantly just wanted sex, and I was confusing sex for love.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like that was the only way to fix the relationship, that was the only way to like make this person happy.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: And then once I started noticing that they were obviously sleeping around, because that's what they were doing, they were sleeping around with other people, then I started sleeping around too, and I said, Fuck it, you know, I'm gonna please my my needs, I'm gonna please my addiction.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I this is what I want.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I started sleeping around.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: I started sleeping around behind this person's back.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um for my own selfish needs, you know.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: If there was anything I can change back from that relationship, is you know, obviously going back and not being too sexual, you know.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: But sadly, I was dealing with a lot of internal demons around the time, and I didn't know what was right from wrong.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: I you know never had met my parents both in my life, one because they just didn't want to be part of it, one because she was you know busy working and she had no choice, so we didn't know you know right from wrong.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I did whatever I could, you know, to make myself happy.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um I'm not proud of it, guys.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not proud of it.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Was it good?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely, it was good in the moment for those what five-10 minutes that it lasted, but then it also came with the precautions of you know, obviously getting STDs and stuff like that.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: And in the event that uh that stuff like that was going on, you know, I was also self-destructing, and not only was I self-destructing, I was also destructing my relationship, and also destructing this other individual.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: So for a very long time, that just that was my addiction, guys.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: My addiction was sex and pleasure.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that's all I knew of my life, and I felt like that was just always right, right up to right when that relationship ended.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's when I came to the realization like fuck, like I have an internal issue, like I really, really do.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: So, right before the relationship, and then maybe like a couple years before, I started attending therapy.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Which my therapist was the most beautiful, most wonderful human being I've ever encountered.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: She became actually a friend of mine after you know our therapy sessions because she did have me understand that I had not only daddy issues, not only did I also have mommy issues, I also had sexual issues.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, not per se that because it's it because it obviously because just because it was because of everything that happened to me, which it wasn't my fault.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: So I had to understand that it wasn't my fault, it was just something that I grew up with, and I thought it was normal.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: And um, I kid you not, guys, every single encounter I felt fucking disgusting.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: I can never understand why I kept doing it.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: I hated myself.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: I remember I would cry so much and tell God, like, why am I going through this?
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like this, I don't want to deal with this.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, please heal me.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: And obviously, it took time because I left that relationship and I was single, obviously, you know, living in my own apartment.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: So I started having fun and hosting people, and you know, again, the sexual desires came in, and you know, I was constantly sleeping around with different people until one day I said, What the fuck am I doing?
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is not pleasing my soul, this is not making me happy, it's pleasing the body, but that's about it with individuals that I don't even fucking know, you know.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: And per usual, I felt disgusting.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: I I would I you know I would cry, and finally one day I said, I can't do this, I can't do this anymore.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I started, you know, uh looking for spiritual things to do.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Started going to the mountains, I started meditating, I started therapy again to understand why the fuck I was still dealing with that.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: But I think it was more so like I was trying to have just a little fun before I locked myself down with another reason because I knew that I wanted to get into another serious relationship.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um because I was on a road of healing, I was on a road of letting go of the old me, of my habits, of the person I was with.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: So I said, okay, I'm gonna go ahead and heal.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna go ahead and learn to let go.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna learn to tell myself that sex is not everything because it's not, you know, if sex is not everything, it's amazing, don't get me wrong, with the right person, sex is amazing, but just with you know, individuals who don't even know, like I believe so much, guys, in energy transfer, uh, even in destiny, like swapping with people when you have sex with them, and that was just I don't know, maybe it's just a conspiracy of mine, but I was always afraid and scared of I guess dealing with that.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: But um, sure enough, you know, I started little by little letting go of the sexual fantasy or the sexual addiction that I had to the point that I wasn't really satisfied anymore during sex with like with random people.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: So obviously got into a serious relationship again.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, in the beginning of the relationship, I was confusing the sexual aspect of it as that's the way of having a relationship with someone, it's just you know, pleasing them with sex, having sex.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if I wasn't getting that, was I would get bitchy, I would get moody, or I would just you know hibernate and hide in my room.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: And to find anyone, they say, What the fuck are you doing?
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I keep telling myself I am very, very, very disappointed of who you're becoming because you shouldn't be relying on sex to make a relationship or or make someone happy.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: In a relationship, it should be the ugly and the good through everything, you know, and um, and I'll be honest with you guys.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I when I got into the relationship that I am now, I have not obviously done the things that I did in my last relationship, but it was just like, oh, like that feeling need that I I you need to please me, I need to have sex with you.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, show me that you love me, show me that you need me, show me that that you know, this is the way of you showing me that you love me is by giving me sex.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I was glad, you know, I'm glad that that I had to just come to rock bottom and realize that a relationship, or even with relationships, I'm sorry, relationship within yourself, guys, should not be about sex, it really shouldn't.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: It should be about the connection that you guys have emotionally, spiritually, because spiritually, guys, yes, uh, sexual healing is true.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Some people can heal you sexually through the sexual energy, but that's I feel like it has to be your partner that does that, you know.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: A relationship should be someone that heals you emotionally and mentally and protect you besides having sex, you know.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I basically with this relationship, I've have been learning a lot about myself of things that used to satisfy me or used to make me happy.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: What I thought, you know, made me happy wasn't making me happy anymore.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it wasn't pleasing me, it wasn't satisfying me.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: I was just like, no, like I need more of a connection, I need more of a connection than just sexual.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because sex is amazing, but sex, honestly, guys, the way that I see it, you can fucking have sex with anybody, you don't have to like settle down and and just you know be with someone and that's it.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you can get sex anywhere, like there's millions and millions of people in the world where you can get sex as with me.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: I came to understand, and I knew that I always think with about this throughout my whole life.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted an actual uh spiritual connection with somebody, but obviously I had to go through my journey uh and coming to the realization that I had you know this addiction, and I never never wanted to confront it at all.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: I was always in denial.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, nope, nope, nope, nope.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's not that's not it.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like you're crazy, you're stupid, whatever it was, you know.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: But now that I'm a little older, a little bit more mature, a little bit more wiser, a little bit more smarter, not as stupid.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: I know that that's not what I want anymore.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's not I want my soul connection.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: I want someone that I can, you know, go through the most darkest moments in life, and and and and we can still have that love for each other and still me halfway and be each other's, you know, lifting hand.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, you know, having sex would be amazing with your partner, you know.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's one thing that I enjoy so much with my partner, like that we like we always just like when when when it's time, you know, it's it's a connection, it's not just bam bang, thank you, ma'am, you know.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, which is a beautiful thing.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: I just hate that it took you know this long all these years to come to the realization that sex wasn't everything.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Sex wasn't the answer to everything either.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Sex doesn't erase the problems that you have, you know, like you still have to face those internal issues or even run away from problems, and you know, I I would I'm guilty of that, and I'm pretty sure a lot of people are where they feel like sex is the answer to fix everything.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: We're in a relationship, like say you go through deep problems, or even if your partner has cheated on you, you felt they need to like you know, that sex is will fix and erase the problem, and it's just not that, you know.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: A relationship is everything, like you have to go through the everything and and uh just be each other's pillar, you know, and you know, thankfully that's something my partner and I have been learning about each other in this relationship is that we're learning about the ugly and how everything's not just sexual, everything's just you know, everything.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: But that wasn't only my my addiction, guys.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like sex, it wasn't only my addiction, and I'm glad that I am the way I am now, the way that I think I I think now about sex, and that's just not a problem anymore in relationship anymore with this partner.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm just I'm thankful for it.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm thankful that this partner pushed me out of that addiction that I thought I had let go of, you know.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: But my addiction was also love, guys.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: My addiction was love.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: I I noticed that growing up, I felt the need to always go out of my way to do things to please people, partners, family, like all just to be accepted and be loved.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: And that's once once that's something that I suffered with for a very long time, guys.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: To maybe recently, to be honest with you, until my partner lost his brother, where you know I felt like no, you need to love me, you need to love me, you need to love me.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, no matter what, you need to love me.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I was falling in love, guys.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: Before this partner, I was falling in love with the wrong people.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: I kept uh I kept again confusing love.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, confusing sex for love.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: I was confusing triggers of people for love, I was confusing toxic people for love, and that was my addiction, that's why, which is love, and now I you know I I came to the realization that love it's also the ugly, it's not always rainbows and unicorns and happiness, it's it's everything as a whole, you know, not just the whole.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: Just kidding, guys, but um also guys, another addiction that I also had, which I feel like a lot of people are very, very shocked when I actually tell them about this because I guess I don't give away that.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um I was also addicted to cigarettes.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't fucking know.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: I honestly feel that I feel that my ex-partner was the one that got me addicted to cigarettes because when I first met him, he was a smoker.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: He would smoke, you know, what was the cigarettes?
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: New York ports.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: Oh Newports, I'm sorry, Newports.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, those shits are strong as hell.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: He was smoked that a lot when I first met him, so then I started saying, like, well, let me have one.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: And then all of a sudden, you know, one became two, two became three.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually, guys, I was smoking a box of cigarettes every two days.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: Every two days, I was spending ten dollars on cigarettes on my Camel Crush because you know, menthols were the best at the time.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm I don't regret it, and I'm not ashamed of that, but that was my addiction.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: That was my my I don't know, my distraction, I guess.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: But I would wake up, guys, early in the morning before work and step outside my apartment at my door, smoke a cigarette, I would shower, you know, brush my teeth, do freshen up, go to work, get to work maybe 15 minutes early, and again I'll be hiding behind the building or somewhere, and I'm smoking another cigarette, and then I would, you know, obviously spray cologne, and then on my breaks, I would smoke a cigarette, and then on my lunch, I would smoke like two more.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: I would get home, I would smoke a cigarette, and then in the night by smoking another, another five.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: And it was just it'd be it was becoming such an ugly addiction, and that that was my life, guys, for seven years, almost eight.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I remember always trying to stop, and I would always just get moody and and and and I and I hated every fucking bit of it, and I just couldn't get out of it.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I kept praying to God, like, oh my god, let me stop.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't want to ruin my lungs, I don't want to health, I don't want to have health complications later in life.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I want to be a healthy person as much as I can, you know.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: And one day I just I don't know, maybe it was just the relationship I was in.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe because of the amount of stress I was carrying, you know, from all the drama that we both were creating, aside from dealing with my own internal issues.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that that's what got me into the habit of smoking.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing, guys, nothing would stop me from smoking.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: I remember one time I was uh I had stopped when I had left this relationship and I was trying to stop and I was fiending and I remember going for a walk and I was like, oh my god, I can't do this.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, this is too much.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I need to stop.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um, whatever.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: I went for a walk and then I seen a cigarette bud that was about maybe half of the cigarette on the floor, like on this fucking walk in my dumbass.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: Picked this shit up, took it home, got a lighter, went for another walk, and I was smoking this bitch ass cigarette on the walk.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: Whose fucking cigarette that was?
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: I don't fucking know, but that was disgusting.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: I caught myself doing that multiple times, guys.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: I do that multiple times in public when I didn't have cigarettes when I didn't have money for cigarettes that I would just be looking around.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: And there'd be times guys where I would get lucky, like by like trash cans, like there would be like almost a full-ass cigarettes.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if somebody was saving it for later, but I would grab it.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: Or sometimes people would be hiding like little cigarettes uh, you know, by the bushes, and I would just, I was that type of crackhead, guys, where I was just constantly looking for nicotine.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just one day I was just so disgusted with myself.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, What the fuck are you doing?
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: Left this relationship and I smoked for a little few more months and then I stopped completely out of nowhere.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember I was bitchy and moody for like weeks because I wanted it, you know.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: I was all these years smoking, you know, waking up and going to sleep smoking cigarettes, and eventually I just it went away.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it took it took a while and and I struggled, but it it it happened, you know.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: But I also ended up getting an addiction with junk food.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: So I didn't know that those were the side effects of leaving, you know.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if it's an addiction thing with anything that you're addicted to, or just in general, just with the cigarettes, but I was constantly always fucking hungry, and I had to have.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Snacks.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: So leaving the cigarettes, then then I picked up the addiction of eating junk food in the replacement of the nicotine.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: I was buying a bunch of junk foods, candy chips, just like constantly.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: Every time I was fiending for a cigarette, I was actually eating fat food.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was eating candy.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: I was eating Debbie breads.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: I was eating hostess breads.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was just something, always something trying to get me into this addiction.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when I gained, you know, all these freaking pounds.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: I went up to 230 pounds.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: I was almost reaching 240 guys to find this.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I gotta make a change for my own health.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: Left the cigarettes for good and then dropped all this weight.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I I was happy with myself, but then I ended up getting the fucking addiction of vaping.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: I started vaping right after that.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: Still nicotine, guys.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: I don't smell like a cigarette, but it was still nicotine.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: And um honestly, guys, I had an on and off relationship with nicotine.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: I had an on and off relationship with vapes.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: I would buy one, smoke it, finish it, and then I would go maybe like a few weeks, maybe like a month without one, and then I'll go buy one again.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: Same thing, another month would come.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: I would smoke one, leave it alone, and then start to go back to it.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: And then I started realizing that it was becoming my addiction, that I was looking for it when I was having problems in life.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: So recently, with everything that was going on with my mother-in-law, you know, her health and all that stuff, that's what made me wake up and say, I don't want to fucking I don't want to vape anymore.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't want to do nothing to my body if it's not anything natural, nothing that's God given.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I just don't want it, you know.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I stopped little by little.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: I started little by little letting go of the vapes.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: And now guys, I can probably say that I've been uh over I want to say two months now.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, two months of not having any type of nicotine.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm pretty proud of myself.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm proud that I don't feel the need to need it how I used to.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now that I have problems, you know, again, I hate that it took this long.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I just go for a fucking walk, or I go and just talk to God, or I listen to worship music, and it helps it helps, you know, with it to go away.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: And then you know, obviously, guys, throughout the years, I've always loved smoking marijuana.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel like marijuana is bad for you.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I feel like it's natural.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like that's when I'm more connected with myself.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like that's when I ground myself a little bit more.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that's when I can actually spiritually feel like I'm talking to God.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um when um when I'm smoking marijuana.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's something that I do smoke to this day, guys.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't stopped.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: I've been doing it for years.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um I've never been ashamed of it.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: I've always hid it for my family because of the what-ifs, what if they judge me?
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but now they don't give a fuck.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just like I'm I am a pop hit.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like I I like smoking.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: There, I don't feel like there's nothing wrong with it.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: I know there's people, certain individuals that smoke and they become lazy.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um I have my moments, don't get me wrong, when I smoke, when I'm just a well, but I also have my moments where you know when I smoke and I'm actually active, I'm happy.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I'm very like, I don't know, I don't know, I can express it.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just very calm.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: Not only that, I also suffer from insomnia, guys.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: I suffer from insomnia, and uh, I always have since I was little, and smoking marijuana was the most natural way that I can think of that would help me go to sleep.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because when I was diagnosed with this, I think I was about 26, so it was almost 10 years ago when I was diagnosed uh with a have Gerd.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and then that's when I was also diagnosed with insomnia because I did struggle a lot when I was younger.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: I remember being up.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'll I could be tired and I'll be up hella late and waking up so early for school.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I would work overnight, come home, you know, clean, do whatever, get ready for the next job.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like I would go almost 48 hours of not sleeping, and and it's just it was taking a toll on my body and then my mental state.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: Then I went to go look for help, and I you know I was diagnosed with insomnia, and they right away obviously prescribed me sleeping medication, and I was like, Hell no, I refuse to be at your Michael Jackson, I refuse to be put to sleep uh just because I'm not tired, and then that's when I asked the doctor, What is the most natural way that I can you know take care of myself without you know inserting pills in me?
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: And obviously, the doctor's like, well, you can do marijuana.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I started doing marijuana, you know, on and off throughout the years, and then obviously when I left my relationship, I started using it a lot more.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I also started my you know THC pens so they can help me sleep, and then now I just smoke flour, like it just it helps me.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: I I have the best sleeps of my life in the last few years, in the last six years, you know, since I started you know smoking the flour a lot more.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um I hate that people were in the older generation are quick to point out that if you smoke marijuana, you're just automatically a bad person.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm not a bad person.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: I've always hustled all my life.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: I've been a good person, I'm a loving person, and I smoke marijuana.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_00: So not everything everything that's good, guys, is not bad, and that's just sad that we live in those times now where anything that's healing, anything that's positive, anything that's good for you for your mind and soul, like it's it's it's always labeled as something bad.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like now, a lot of things that I've noticed.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if it's everything that's going on in this world, but I've noticed is a lot of people are choosing themselves now, they're choosing to heal, and right away people are like, Oh, we in Christianity, uh you know, we don't believe in this, in Catholicism, we don't believe in that.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: Well, in my religion, uh, we don't believe in you know, rocks or like you know, the crystals and stuff like that.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody has their own way of of you know grounding themselves, so not everything that works for people is bad.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if it doesn't work for you, it just doesn't work for you, you know.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_00: But it works for that certain individual.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: But when I started this healing journey, guys, I started, you know, obviously.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I've always been spiritual, I've always loved crystals.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I've always you know believed in crystals, and um when I started healing, guys, a few years ago, people just started reaching out to me, telling me how everything that I was doing was against Christianity, and just there were some people that you know there were just friends that I've met that I noticed that they took me off social media because I wasn't agreeing with them, and I was just like, that's fine, like have your beliefs, but this is this is mine, this is what I like, this is what works for me.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there's no need for you to tell me, like, who are you to tell me what to believe in or what's positive or what's not because let's let's face it, guys.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_00: I respect relationships.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: I mean relationships, I respect religions, every religion.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_00: I I respect it.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to learn every religion, I would love to see what's everybody's beliefs, what keeps everybody positive, what keeps everybody going.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_00: But for me, now that I'm older and I can think for myself, I don't like religion, I don't believe in religion.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: Who is to say that God or Jesus or whoever you know, whatever you look up to, was of a of a religion, you know, who is to say religion was man-made, man, religion was man written.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_00: God, Jesus came into this land to teach us how to love, teach us how to forgive, how to be there for people, how to help humans, you know.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think religion had anything to do with it, it all had to do with waking up your intuition, waking up your powers.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because I honestly feel, and I've always said this we all have powers, it's just that our powers are all shut down by everything that's around us, guys.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_00: They control like they control us in every fucking way, guys.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_00: In every fucking way, technology, uh you know, all these apps, uh, all these things that get people into addictions, into not waking up their internal, you know, intuition.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: Uh anything they can think of, guys, anything that's a distraction, like everything.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: If you think about everything that was made is just to to control you, so you wouldn't awaken that in you.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm I'm I'm all for guys to honestly let go of my cell phone.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm ready to let go of my cell phone, I'm ready not to have a television, I'm ready to not do nothing that has to do with technology because I feel like people are getting uh stupider by the moment.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_00: Stuper, stupider, stupider by the moment.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_00: And what I mean by that is also about social media.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_00: How ugly social media is, how ugly people feel comfortable to be standing behind a screen and trying to tear down another human being.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's a prime example of what this government, what this world, what this evil world wants you to do versus focusing on yourself and becoming a positive aspect to the world and changing others, and that's the reason why, guys, I I decided to start the podcast.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't because I wanted fame, it wasn't because I wanted attention, it's because I wanted to heal myself, I don't want it to awaken that's that side of me that it's not part of the world without technology, so I can help people understand that it's okay to put your fucking phone down, it's okay to not record everything, it's okay not to take a picture of everything, it's okay to live in the moment, guys.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because when do you go back and look at that picture?
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_00: When when we die, and unfortunately, little by little, when people start disappearing from your family, those pictures are gonna be nothing.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna be nothing, we're not gonna be nothing but a memory, we're not gonna be nothing but a moment.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_00: We're eventually going to disappear.
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_00: If you think about it, guys, once your bloodline, once your generations are all out, then that's it.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you just never existed.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like, honestly, it's all reality.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe two or three generations from now, I wouldn't even exist to my family members.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: Who wouldn't even think of me?
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I just live in the moment.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_00: Live in the moment.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like now I've noticed with my family, it took me a while.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_00: Is that I got to a point where I keep telling my family, stop pulling down your phone.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because everywhere we everywhere we went, guys, my family would be on their phones playing a game, uh, scrolling through social media or just taking pictures, like they were never interacting.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I just don't see family interaction anymore.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody's just on their fucking phones.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if maybe it was something my family decided to do on their own, or maybe it was because I was constantly persistent of telling them something.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but now my family doesn't pull out their phones anymore.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_00: We just live in the moment, in the moment that we are at at that time, and I love that, and I love that because people I feel like a lot of people, including with my family, we forgot about all that.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_00: We forgot about the meaning of living in the moment.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_00: This world is so so codependent of technology that that how how we how how are we gonna be able to survive, guys, if in the event that one day the government decides to I don't shut us down or take away our our Wi-Fi or or anything like I don't think anybody or any of us because I'm guilty of this guys, I don't think I would be able to um maneuver without my phone to get to places because I use my phone for everything, I use my phone for direction, I use my phone for for everything, like literally to Google things.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm just like, damn, like we've became so dependent of the of technology guys that we forgot how to survive without it.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes I miss the old days when we were younger, when we had when everything was just simple.
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we would get happy for the most stupidest things.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_00: I can remember me and my brothers, guys.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_00: Before we were able to afford toys and stuff like that, my brothers and I would always be playing with with sticks as if they were our like toys.
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like we were it was just about having imagination.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_00: I remember when I was little, me and my brothers had the most amazing imagination, and now, guys, I feel like we're all stupid and stuck, to be honest with you, especially seeing with my niece and nephew, like their childhood is a lot different from what we grew up with, you know.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, guys, I wanted to come up here and just talk a little bit about my addictions because I am also learning about myself throughout the throughout the time, you know, to face to confront the ugly side of me.
• 35:45
  SPEAKER_00: We need to learn to get uncomfortable.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, we need to learn to get comfortable with the uncomfortable, even with it within ourselves, not in only in relationships or with our family, but within ourselves and and you know face it and and tell yourself like fuck like I really do have an addiction, you know, whatever addiction it may be, it doesn't have to be sexual like me, it doesn't have to be like love like me.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_00: It has to be it could be with anything, guys.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a a uh a matter of accepting it and coming to the realization that you do have an addiction and accepting it.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's the first step.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_00: With that, comes the change, you'll start accepting the change.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you're gonna grieve the old version of you.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'll I'll tell you that.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna grieve the old version of you because that's what you're used to for so many years, you know.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_00: I I I'm guilty of that.
• 36:35
  SPEAKER_00: I I grieved a lot of the past me.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like two years ago, I started like grieving him, like, oh my god, like I miss him.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_00: But I was just like, what do I miss?
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_00: He was a broken person, like he was definitely a broken person.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_00: I am not ashamed of the life that I chose to go through.
• 36:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, aside from you know, all those addictions, you know.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_00: I also went through you know dark moments, but all that came first circle and it made me who I am today, and I'm thankful for it.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a lot stronger now, I'm a lot wiser.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_00: Am I better than anybody?
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm forever, you know, learning things.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_00: Am I healed completely?
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely not.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think anybody heals completely.
• 37:18
  SPEAKER_00: You just learn to be at peace with your mistakes and learning to move on and not repeat those mistakes again, you know.
• 37:29
  SPEAKER_00: But we're gonna be forever healing, we're gonna be ever forever uh learning lessons, we're gonna forever be, you know, disappointing yourselves as long as you are able to confront it and face it and accept that you have some sort of issue, you'll be okay.
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you human.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_00: You're human enough to know that you're fucking up.
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm a firm I'm a firm believer that if you feel bad instantly after you do something, you're human, you have a heart, you have a soul, you can be saved.
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_00: But those that don't have really deep internal issues that they have to seek in deeper of why they are the way they are, why they act the way they act, why they mistreat people, or why is it they maneuver the way they maneuver.
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_00: And just remember, guys, that not everybody's journey has to look the same as yours.
• 38:23
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody's journey is a way different than yours, and it took me a while to learn that, even with my partner now.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I have to accept that his life, his journey was different than mine.
• 38:33
  SPEAKER_00: Even now that he's going through grief, like as much as I love him, as much as I want him with me.
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_00: I just understand that he needs to go through that journey on his own and and feel that and and just move on from that without me in the picture.
• 38:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 38:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be here in the sidelines and I can tell him I'm here, you know.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_00: Just don't forget to live, Papa.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, unfortunately, life still moves on with or without us, with or without our family members, like life, just it's just a life, you know what I mean.
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, guys, I hope this you know plants a little seed in your head to stop and think about what are some addictions that you may have had throughout your life that you're still struggling with today.
• 39:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm I promise you guys, as soon as you confront it and accept it, change will honestly come amazingly in your life, and things will start to align with with what your purpose is here on earth.
• 39:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's just about being patient, patient, and just asking not only God or Jesus or even your guardian angels, just ask yourself or ask the universe like show me today what I'm supposed to learn, have me face my inner demons, have me face my insecurities so I can grow from them and become a better version of myself.
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_00: And and trust me, you'll see that change within yourself, and things will get better.
• 39:49
  SPEAKER_00: I promise you that.
• 39:51
  SPEAKER_00: But again, I'm not ashamed about anything.
• 39:55
  SPEAKER_00: I I I hope you guys learn to not feel ashamed either because it doesn't define your past, it doesn't define you guys, it doesn't, nothing defines you, it's just about how you present yourself as a human being, you know.
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_00: But thank you guys so much for listening, and I hope you guys continue to heal and be on this amazing healing journey if you guys are choosing that.
• 40:17
  SPEAKER_00: If not, I hope this you know helps you guys a little bit.
• 40:21
  SPEAKER_00: But thank you guys so much for listening, and I'll see you guys in the next episode.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_00: Love you guys.