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Living Without Fear - Torn Between Yes and No | With Esther Buerki · LIVING WITHOUT FEAR

• 0:11
  Welcome, my dear friends, to the 133rd solo episode of Living
• 0:18
  Without Fear. I'm Esther Burke, your host from
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  Switzerland, and I'm so happy you're here with me, listening
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  with your heart open, walking with me through another real and
• 0:33
  honest story of life. This story happened some time
• 0:39
  ago on a trip to Turkey. It was meant to be a fun day, a
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  shopping tour with five other women from my swimming group.
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  We had spent beautiful days together, laughing, swimming and
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  enjoying the sun. On that particular day, our swim
• 1:01
  coach recommended we visit his friend's leather shop.
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  I remember thinking immediately, I don't need anything from here.
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  I don't wear leather jackets and I already had more handbags than
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  I use. But of course we went in
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  together as a group and that's where the story began.
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  The shop owner was charming and skilled.
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  He invited us upstairs first, where shelves of handbags in
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  every shape and colour waited for us.
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  The air smelled of fresh leather and temptation.
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  We all began to touch the bags to admire the craftsmanship and
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  one after another we each chose something.
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  I too bought a beautiful black leather handbag, even though
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  deep inside I already felt quite resistance.
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  Why am I buying this? After that, he invited us
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  downstairs to see the jackets. And that's when it all got
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  complicated. I tried on one jacket, then
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  another, and then there it was, a beautiful one that fit me
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  perfectly. The other said, oh, Esther, it
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  looks amazing on you. And yes, it truly did.
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  The leather was soft, the color a perfect match, and it gave me
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  this elegant, confident look. But then came the price.
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  And it was high. Too high for something I didn't
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  need. I told the shop owner it was too
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  expensive, but my friends encouraged me.
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  It's a once in a lifetime opportunity and while they were
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  waiting, the shop owner kindly offered them glasses of white
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  wine. They've relaxed, laughed,
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  chatted and I stood there torn apart.
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  On one side, the voice of reason said, you don't need this
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  jacket, you don't even wear leather.
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  On the other side, a softer but stronger voice whispered, But
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  look how good it looks on you. And they are all waiting.
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  You don't want to be the complicated one again.
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  And so I hesitated. I felt their eyes on me.
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  I could feel the unspoken pressure.
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  Just decide, and I did. I said yes.
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  They smiled, happy that I had finally made-up my mind.
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  The atmosphere lightened. We left the shop and everyone
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  seemed pleased. Everyone but me.
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  As we walked out, a strange mix of emotions filled me.
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  Relief, confusion, and a deep sense of shame.
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  Shame that I had spent money on something I didn't need.
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  Shame that I had once again ignored my intuition, and shame
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  that deep down I had bought it, not because I truly wanted it,
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  but because I wanted to be long later.
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  One of the women said with a laugh.
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  Well, no wonder it took so long. Our little doll couldn't decide
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  about her jacket. I smiled on the outside, but her
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  words hit me inside. Little doll?
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  It sounded playful, but I felt belittled, like she wanted to
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  make me smaller, and I wondered why.
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  Why did she need to say that? What did I provoke in her?
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  Maybe my hesitation made her uncomfortable, maybe she's
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  sawing me something she doesn't allow herself to feel.
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  Doubt, sensitivity, the struggle to please.
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  Or maybe she needed to appear stronger by making someone else
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  smaller. But the truth is, her comment
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  touched me only because I already felt small myself.
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  If I had stood in my power, her words would have rolled off me.
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  But I wasn't standing there as a woman in her truth.
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  I was standing there as a woman who had just betrayed her own
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  inner voice. That's why it hurt.
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  And as I've reflected more deeply, I realised something
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  else that had triggered me on that trip.
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  There was another woman in the group, the one who always
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  managed to get the most attention, who always took the
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  larger portion when we shared food, who never asked would
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  anyone else like some. At first I felt irritated by
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  her. It seemed unfair, but slowly I
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  understood. She was mirroring something in
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  me, not because I am like her, but because I am her opposite.
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  She mirrored the part of me that doesn't dare to take, the part
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  that holds back, that says you go first.
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  The part that believes it's more polite to wait than to claim
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  what I want. She represented the unapologetic
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  energy that I have suppressed for so long.
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  The power to take space to say yes to myself without guilt or
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  fear. And maybe in her presence, I was
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  being invited to balance that energy within me, to find the
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  middle ground between selflessness and self respect.
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  It's strange how life works, how the people who irritate us most
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  are often our best teachers. They hold up a mirror and say,
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  look, this is the part of you that's still waiting to be seen.
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  So today I thank them all. The woman who called me Little
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  Doll, the one who always took more, the shop owner who smiled
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  while I hesitated, and the jacket itself, which now hangs
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  in my wardrobe like a quiet reminder.
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  Because each of them showed me something I still needed to
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  learn. That belonging starts within,
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  that saying no is also an act of love, and that true beauty never
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  comes from what we wear, but from standing fully in who we
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  are. And maybe that's what this story
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  reminds me of most deeply, That life constantly invites us to
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  listen more carefully, not to the voices around us, but to the
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  quiet one inside, the one that whispers you already have
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  enough, you are already enough. Sometimes we lose that voice
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  when we want to belong. We silence it when we fear
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  standing out. We rush decisions because we
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  don't want to disappoint anyone. And yet the only one we truly
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  disappoint in those moments is ourselves.
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  But every time we notice it, every time we pass and say, ah,
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  there it is again. The need to please, the fear of
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  being charged, the longing to fit in.
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  We take a step closer to freedom because awareness is where
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  change begins and self compassion is what keeps it
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  alive. So today I choose to think that
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  shopping day, the wine, the waiting, the confusion, the
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  little doll comment and even the beautiful jacket in my wardrobe
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  as a reminder that slowing down is a sign of strength.
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  That's the most beautiful thing we can ever wear is self respect
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  wrapped in honesty and grace. And to you, my dear listener,
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  may you walk through your next leather shop moment with more
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  patience for yourself. May you dare to pause, to
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  breathe, to trust your intuition.
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  Because your worth doesn't depend on what you buy or how
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  fast you decide. It lives quietly inside you,
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  waiting to be remembered. Thank you for listening, for
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  walking this inner journey with me.
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  And if you feel inspired to look deeper into your own patterns,
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  reach out to me. Together, we can bring light and
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  clarity to the places where you still feel torn and help you
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  become the version of yourself who stands with love, courage,
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  and quiet confidence. Until next week, stay gentle,
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  stay real, and keep listening to your beautiful heart.