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Soul Sisters Series: What is Vulnerability? Episode 8 · Rock My Finances

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to be guaranteed for any other investment. Welcome to the Rock, my Finances
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your way. It's not about the zeros, So what is it all about?
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Let's find out now? Here's your host and weekly friend, Jennifer Josh.
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Hey there, hi ladies, Hello, Miss Denise Karbaum, Miss Karen
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cavanahmas peel and swat how are we hello? Are good? You have joined
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Soul Sister Series, so check out all the other ones as well. This
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is episode eight of Soul Sister Series. This today, we're going to discuss
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vulnerability. You are going to get four people's extreme different um thoughts, ideas,
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jokes, um stories, and all the great stuff about being vulnerable.
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What is it? Why? How? How? What? Why? When
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you know? You know all that stuff. So we're gonna dive right in.
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Um if. The first thing is we're in our pajamas. So we're
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starting off with vulnerability, which is like, this is it? Here's a
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question. We're waiting for this for eight episodes. Oh well at least two
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and a half months, because we talked about it in April. Okay,
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but who wears ear rings? I knows. I totally would never wear these,
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obviously to bed. But I thought, oh my gosh, I'm gonna
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have a little bling and have a little fun like other little tiny ones on.
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But now does pajamas mean no bra? Oh? First vulnerable question?
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Good question, I'll go first, okay for me? Oh oh, so
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much for going first, not me at night? Always? Can you cut
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out there? I actually okay, I cut out okay. So I said,
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for me, going to sleep at night absolutely means no bra. But
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right now I'm wearing one because I am not comfortable in a bra. I
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am so oh god, not me. I'm not loving this vulnerability pedling.
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You got your your tits held up there? Well? Yeah, I mean,
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you know, when back in the day, when I was as small
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as Denise, I would not have warned them. But you know, mine
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need a little support. They're sort of you know, they're going south in
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a hurry there, like I'm on a slow boat to Antarctica, but it's
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picking up speed right now. The girls are being supported. But to bed
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normally absolutely not. Um and pajamas are optional, but um oh, that's
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another good vulnerable question. I'm definitely sleeping in my my birthday suit every night,
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freaking love it. Anybody else Karen sounds like, depends, it depends.
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It depends on how cold it is. If it's hot in the summertime,
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forget about it. But in the wintertime sometimes a shirt. Yeah,
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yeah, I'm like you. It depends, and it depends who's next to
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me. Well for sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's with my
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partner and yeah no, because he and I are both like furnaces. So
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I love it. Peterlen, what are you doing up there in those coose,
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cold, snowy mountains? Yeah, so they're not so cold or snowy
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right now. But um yeah, I used to sleep in the nude for
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years and years when I was married, I slept in the nude for years.
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Um. But I like a little a little tank top, a little
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you know, Merino wool tank top, you know, something light, really
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light. I just you know, it just saves my sheets a little bit,
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you know. Oh yeah, can I have white sheets? I like
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my white sheets, So i've white sheets. You love my white sheets?
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Yeah? I love this. So this is an example of being vulnerable.
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Here we are telling the whole world how we sleep. So that's vulnerable,
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right, the whole world, the whole world listening to my PODCASTA of the
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whole world is if they haven't been, they will be now. Yeah right?
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The seven nine people give a shit about what we're sleeping, okay,
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sleep in or just you have about socks, right, like I have my
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mo the pink and white socks on too. I can't start out with them
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in the wintertime when my feet are really cold, because my feet do get
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cold. But then somewhere in the middle of the night they end up like
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at the pillow or on the floor or something. Yeah, I can't,
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I can't sleep with they know. I don't like your socks. Your socks
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are like quick she's asleep one side, the other side somewhere else. True,
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they end up. I get one on my pillow, the other ones
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on the floor, on top of the cat, on top of the face
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of her boyfriend that he'll brush that off. I love it. Okay,
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So let's talk about this word vulnerability, being vulnerable, and let's do it
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a little bit of all areas of our life. You don't have to comment
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on all of the areas, but somewhere within the day, I want someone
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to touch on you know what I mean. I want to cover spirituality,
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vulnerability obviously, love relationship Karen sleeping in bed with someone right, that's vulnerable.
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Family and friends might be a different level of vulnerability. And business right,
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our staff as a different level co workers is a different level, and
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acquaintances when we're in business, and when we're speakers, and when we're all
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coaches, we can gather acquaintances often, and since we are all vulnerable in
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our talk, so we're all speakers, and we all do share stories about
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our personal lives somewhere within an acquaintance, so they might feel a little bit
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more connected to us than what we know of them. So we have already
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chosen to be vulnerable to speak on stage and to be authentic and tell our
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truth. But let's talk about maybe an area in your life where it's been
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difficult for you to be vulnerable and why you think it's important to be vulnerable
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in that area. How's that? So you can pick an area in your
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life that's been difficult and that you're choosing to be vulnerable. And I want
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to just point straight to miss Karen. But you don't have to be me
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because you always go last, and so first, you always first. She's
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whiny, Okay, you have to go first. She doesn't want to go
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first. She can be completely vulnerable and say I am not no, no,
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no, Now, I want Karen to go first. I gotta I
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gotta hear this out. She's on the hot spot, all right, So
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so your your question is for me, what area, Yes, what area
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was it difficult for you to be vulnerable and why you think it's important to
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be vulnerable in that area? It's really interesting. I mean, honestly,
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you know, that's a tough questions, a tough question that hey, let
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speak. It's a tough question for me because for much of my life I
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was not vulnerable. So I could say in business that would be true.
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I could say in my friendships that was also true. I mean, I've
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even had people after I've kind of disclosed all of this to them say,
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yeah, I never really felt like I've known you for years, but I
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never really knew you, right, So I had had that experience in relationship,
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I've had that experience. So it's kind of actually like pick one thing,
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Like I think it's just for me, because we have only one life,
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right, and so vulnerability for me had to be a voice for my
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life. Um and and it was scary as hell to really kind of put
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myself out there and allow people to see me and for who I am warts
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and all you know, and and either accept me or not, you know,
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because I spent a lot of my life worrying about what other people thought,
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and you know, and then if they didn't like me, then it
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triggered all my not being enough stuff, right, And so um, it's
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so to pick one area. I mean, we can start with one.
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I don't know which which I know I like it. That was actually totally
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perfect. So why is it important? Because now you've you've noticed that in
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all areas and I love that you're saying that, right, it is how
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we think about one thing is how we think about everything. So that's great.
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Why is it important because you said it's a choice. Why did you
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make that choice? Because I was not fulfilled in any of my relationships?
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Um, and it's really easy to have the problem be over there and say
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you know, well and you know, I just I just don't feel close
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to these people, like what's going you know, and it's like, well
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maybe they just don't like me or whatever that might be. So it's it's
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still over there versus how I'm showing up. And you know it started,
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you know, it started mostly because of my with my marriage, and you
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know what I was, or was how I was or was not showing up
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in that marriage really had me take a look at how am I showing up
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in all areas of my life, right, And so I had to make
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a choice, as you know, do I want to continue having surface relationships,
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you know, or do I really want to have close intimate relationships with
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people? How did you know you weren't fulfilled? There was it? Just
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like there was never I mean I have I had a few really close relationships,
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you know, with girlfriends in particular. Um, I just I felt
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like there was more like yeah, there was like it could just be something
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else or something more and that, you know. I think part of it
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too is when I started doing more deep diving into me and a little more
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understanding with me, it was like, okay, then what is it that
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I you know, if this is not what I have, well, how
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can I create that? Right? What do I want? And so in
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order to have what I want, I had to be what I want first?
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Ye whatever, Karen, like you're waiting from right now and it's so
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good, it's you know, and it's it sounds all great, you know,
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but it's like, yeah, they actually doing it is a whole other
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thing, right, And so what does that take? And so it took
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me opening up and having conversations saying, look, I was a shitty friend.
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You know, I really didn't allow you to get to know me.
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I'm so glad you almost made me choke on my water. I'm just kidding,
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people, I just totally Kidding's so not that way. Well, but
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you know what, I have had some of those, you know, those
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conversations with you know, some of you girls here too, like how I
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was showing up and it just, you know, you, how could you
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get to know me if I really don't show myself and share myself and you
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know, be open, be vulnerable, and you know, be messy.
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You know the whole perfection thing too, of trying to be perfect, and
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that was you know, past stuff that just kept showing up, and so
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I just would only show a certain view that I wanted the world to see
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because if they saw the rest of me, they wouldn't like me. And
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we all, we all start off life that way, right, I mean
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we just kind of fall right into that. I love that, Karen,
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thank you, thank you, thank you so Denise Pete. And who wants
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to jump in after that? What's a place where it's been hard for you
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and why did you decide to change it? Or did you? I'm happy
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to jump in. Yeah, I suggest to do because Pete and ain't moving.
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That's why I don't totally jumping Karen. I feel like you and I
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grew up in such similar way. I'm like, are we twins? Right?
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Because um, I feel like I learned a lot about how I was
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supposed to be from living in my family and my community, right and and
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I was thinking about the topic today and my my idea of how it was,
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how I was supposed to be the perfect speaker, for example, before
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we met, right was and I used to do this like twenty Oh there
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she goes again with twenty it's twenty times five years ago. Whatever, Like
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I have my am I like, is this not? Now? You're okay?
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Now okay, now you're frozen. Okay, I put on my pressed
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suit. I'd have my perfect PowerPoint presentation. Yeah, you're cutting out again.
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We're gonna fix her internet for this podcast. She's got to go hard,
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patient, hardy day talk. Everything was done. Oh my god,
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seriously, this is not work. And I just anything down to well,
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this is gonna sorry, it's it's a wife I thing. We're gonna pass
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over to Peterlin real quick, just because you know, all right, I
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can bounce off and I'll try to fix something. I'll be right back.
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I'm backup or a follow up. Yeah you are you're number four woman because
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you didn't want to go first. Yeah, I'll see if I always feel
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like I go first all the time, you know, So I was just
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like that. Um. So, speaking of vulnerability, yeah, I mean,
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you know, um, I grew up with a what okay, Denise,
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you want to go? I know, I was just gonna say,
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I just changed some settings. So I'm hoping that oh perfect, oh awesome?
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Um yeah, yeah, I um, I you know, I grew
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up in a perfectionist household, so you know, so anything us was would
15:01
bring shame to the family, and you know, the family name and and
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all of that. And I was anything but perfect, especially in my mother's
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image, you know. So you know, um yeah, I was.
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It was. I was anything but what was favorable or desirable or anything,
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you know, And and I had to hide that. I felt I had
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to hide that. So I grew up very much hiding everything and anything everything,
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you know. Yeah, So in all areas then where uh well,
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I think I think I think it naturally goes to all areas because it isn't
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an area specific thing, right, It's it's how we feel about ourselves.
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Yes, yes, and I could be I would say my um uh,
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in a love relationship can be totally one hundred percent myself and vulnerable with you
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ladies and the freaking public. But you put me in bed with somebody without
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a shirt on, that's going to be a whole other vulnerability conversation. So
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I do not feel comfortable with a man in a love relationship the way I
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do with say you ladies, somebody's typing me yes sorry sorry? So would
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you say that that would be a different yes, who we are showing up?
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But I feel like a love relationship is a little bit more vulnerable because
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they really do see your underbelly, per se. I know for me,
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I mean for me, that's just about degrees. It's not really it's not
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really a change or a shift. It's just you know. I mean,
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I mean, I'm I'm pretty much myself with you guys, but I don't
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I'm not one hundred percent vulnerable with you guys all the time. You know
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about everything, you know, it's just um right, So it's it's about
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degrees, you know, I think, um, But I love I love
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what I I when I know that I'm being vulnerable, when I no longer
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think about when I when I'm no longer conscious of myself in company, in
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the company of others, that's a very rare thing for me, you know.
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So yeah, I love that truth. That's huge. So that's that
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can be exhausting in my eyes, extremely exhausting. Yeah, yeah, I
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mean that's always a long way in yourself. Yeah, you know, and
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you know, um now I don't really give us a crap, although I
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do, but you know, but it's kind of like that's an inter negotiation
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all the time, right, So for me, it's about being an you
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know that horribly overused word authentic. For me, it's about just showing up
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as I am. And I don't think there's a huge difference between the way
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I show up for you guys and other people. I just probably share less
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of myself, you know, to some extent. I might word it differently.
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I don't find might just word it differently. Yeah, I'm saying censor,
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you would censor certain things. Yeah, I totally diplomatic, were diplomatic?
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Yeah, yeah, I totally get that. I love that. I
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love that. Okay, So degree, Yeah, Karen, we don't want
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you to know. We want you to just be all on out there.
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It's like the rubber band, right, you gotta go from one extreme to
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the next. So okay, miss Denise, back to your vulnerability now that
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your WiFi is now strong, hoping that my WiFi is stronger. Um,
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yeah, I as I was saying. Like for me, I was raised
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also in a perfectionist family Peolen, so I can completely relate to that with
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the perfectionist type a mom. And so that was my view of how I
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was supposed to be. So I borrowed her three piece suits and presented right
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in a perfect way, and was taught to cross all the t's and dot
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all the eyes and present and then ask for questions at the end. Right.
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And when I met you all I learned very quickly that is not what
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people want anymore. Right. Maybe it worked back then for keynote educational settings,
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but it doesn't because people want to get to know who you are.
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They want to know hang on, perfect, I'm gonna I'm gonna stop you
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here because I want to go to Denise being vulnerable. I don't want to
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know about the I want to know when what area because you have trouble being
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vulnerable in okay's trying to get all business the insidestep the well. No,
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I was gonna say business was the area was one. Business was the first
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area I recognized I need to be more vulnerable, and I don't know how,
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okay, which is why I hired Mark and Shammon, because I was
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like, they're going to teach me how to speak in today's world and be
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vulnerable as well as credible, right, So that's why how to balance how
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to balance those too exactly. And as you guys know, we're all very
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very aware as coaches how important it can be to be in a group setting.
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And that's where I learned to be vulnerable, right, and to be
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not just my authentic self, but my vulnerable self with letting all my shit
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hit the floor and say, okay, look this is how it's been for
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me in the past. And relationships was the the other, probably bigger area,
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but I didn't go to them for that kind of coaching, although I
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ended up getting that kind of coaching, and it was a work on myself
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for being more vulnerable in relationships, whether that was with my family or with
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love relationships, you know, with partners, and what did that look like?
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Did that look like using your voice? More? Did that look like?
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Feel lean Moore? Did you like Karen was saying, get it out
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of the super superficial part, off the surface and going deeper like what did
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that look like for you? So for me, man, yeah, using
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your voice like I have it. I have had a past history um censorship
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of not well on purpose, right, because I didn't for it like I've
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come, I've come through the fire. I can openly admit in a vulnerable
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way that I used to be a really shitty partner um and I didn't realize
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it. I thought I was being what my partner wanted me to be,
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and I was really not being my full, vulnerable, authentic self of what
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I wanted. I was being what they wanted me to be or what I
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Okay, so let's see, so that's a huge statement. Hang up,
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let's let's I need to make that point there, because that is a huge
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statement that you just said. Yeah, so I own it. You were
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not you, but me too. Right, I'm a huge codependent. So
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you were showing up. I was showing up codependence, show up as what
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they we think they want us to be instead of what we want to be.
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Is that what you're saying, Yes, and I it's huge. It's
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huge, and I'm still learning the whole codependent language and stuff. That's why
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I'm just feel free to label it. But what it meant for me was
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I was ending up in these horrible relationships and not getting out of them in
22:30
a quick manner because I had invested so much time in them. I thought
22:33
if he could just you know, turn it around or change or do what
22:38
he was promising, then everything would be would be great. Yeah, my
22:42
life would be great. So I'm happy to say you know, you guys
22:48
know my last boyfriend Tony was extremely different for me because this was the time,
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maybe not the exact first time, but the well, the first time
23:00
I showed up one vulnerable me and it was like, I don't care if
23:04
you like me or not. I put the risk out there of this may
23:10
not go anywhere, and I'm okay with that because I have to live my
23:14
life an authenticity of who I am or I'm not going to be a happy
23:18
person. And how did that work for you? It was awesome. It
23:22
was the best relationship I've been in so far, and he actually matched it,
23:27
like he came to the table even before I did, because our very
23:30
first conversation on the phone, before I even knew I wanted to meet him
23:33
in person, he aired out all his ship, Here's who I am,
23:37
Here's where I've been, and it was so freeing. That's kind of what
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I wanted to bring to the table today too, is someone has to go
23:44
first, because vulnerability for me is it means scary, Like it's scary,
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something could happen. I could get rejected, you know, scene as not
23:55
worthy, like whatever, because I think you can be authentic and not vulnerable.
24:02
But I but I think vulnerability is like I don't level of I think
24:06
it's a different less I'll try. For me, I think you can be
24:11
authentic with who you are, and I am like I am absolutely authentic with
24:18
friends and colleagues and not necessarily sure but not necessarily exactly, not necessarily vulnerable
24:27
enough to share my shit like I do with other like you guys, or
24:32
even in a group where I didn't know anybody, because for me, there's
24:34
that certain sense of Okay, I'm gonna put it out there and here it
24:40
goes. There's like a different emotion that goes with it, a sense of
24:44
risk if you will like nakedness, Yeah, yeah, like there, I'm
24:48
gonna show up. I'm going to be completely naked and let the chips fall
24:52
where they are and peel. And you've been with me in a number of
24:55
workshops where I chose to be the first vulnerable person to go out there,
25:02
and what happens is, like what I learned is people lean into that and
25:06
then they all start to be vulnerable too, and it gives permission in the
25:10
group. Or like Karen, as you were saying, you know, if
25:11
you started to go first with your friends, it gives them permission too to
25:17
get to know you more, or gives you a deeper permission to go even
25:21
deeper with what you share. And so for me, now, I love
25:26
living this way and I can't. I don't want to go back. And
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I still have work here because I do still see a you know, one
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area where I'm not as good at it. And then what area is that?
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Obviously we're gonna ask that. Well, I don't want to hog the
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time. Well, you can say the word and then we'll move on.
25:42
So what area are You're okay? So for me, I've noticed that I'm
25:47
still not completely vulnerable and authentic with my landlords because there's a sense of fear
25:55
there that I haven't gotten over yet. And it's an old programming fear that
26:00
if I bring up something that's not working right or something I'm not happy about,
26:04
what if they want to raise my rent or to kick me out?
26:07
Okay, so that goes to security, right, that goes to safety.
26:14
So somebody else might be hearing that and saying, I can't say what I
26:17
want you to my boss because I promise my job. I can't say what
26:21
I want to my house because I don't want to lose my marriage. Like
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I can't say what I want you to my children because they're not going to
26:27
like me, or I'm not going to see my grandkids or no, no
26:30
not. Or I can't say what I want you to my mother in law
26:33
because then she's not going to babyshim for me or whatever. Right, So
26:38
that one thing where it's fear and security could stop the Okay, So let
26:45
me ask you ladies this. We don't have to share everything with everyone,
26:52
so we right, So where is the line of authenticity versus vulnerability and just
27:06
lying to someone like to me, if I'm at if I'm showing up one
27:11
hundred percent with someone like I do have a friend this way and I don't
27:15
know the underneath, so and it's awesome, Like it's fine, everything's superficial.
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I'm not. I'm one dripping wet naked, dripping wet all the time
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because that's who I am. But I don't get that on the other side
27:29
in all areas of the life. So I actually have a m always,
27:37
and so that's me because that's where I'm at, dripping wet. But and
27:41
where where do you draw the line of Okay, you don't have to be
27:45
vulnerable with your landlords versus I'm not being authentic, Like I'm literally almost lying
27:52
by omission by not sharing what's really happening. Does that even make sense that
27:59
question to anybody? It doesn't have to be denease or landwards like anybody like
28:03
withholding your vulnerability, is that really hurting a relationship? You know? I
28:14
want to say something that vulnerability belongs to ourselves. It doesn't. It doesn't
28:18
belong to anybody else. So how we choose to share that, to what
28:23
degree we choose to be vulnerable, not to make it another buzzword, but
28:30
is really up to our own discernment. I mean, I've experienced in the
28:37
past, when I was very young, sharing lots, you know, all
28:41
my you know, warts and issues and things that have happened to me in
28:44
my life, and I've had people walk away and you know, I think
28:48
less of me perhaps as a result of that. So I've had that experience.
28:52
I've had the experience of not sharing anything with them, and they sort
28:55
of see me in a way that's you know, like I have it all
28:57
together and and and I can't really be my full self with them. So
29:03
I don't feel free because I've set that up. I've set it up that
29:07
way because I haven't shared you know, any shoulder to shoulder kind of stuff
29:11
with them, right Um, I've also but it's always a negotiation, and
29:17
it doesn't mean we're always going to get it right, you know, in
29:18
terms of what can of another person tolerate, where their tolerances are for our
29:23
vulnerability or the level with which we make the decision to share with that person.
29:29
You know, we might we might break the bank there, you know,
29:32
we might not get it right, and we might lose a friendship where
29:33
they may lean in m my question, it has always been at and of
29:38
course it's different for each of us. But how do you navigate or negotiate
29:45
vulnerability, like like being transparent, I would say, with remaining credible in
29:52
a professional sense. So good. I don't navigate it. I don't navigate
30:03
it. I'm I had to for so many years being a man in finance.
30:07
Um. In fact, you mentioned that suit Denise is hilarious because I
30:11
was in a beauty contest in my senior year of high school and my mother
30:15
bought me a white skirt and a blazer to be in the modeling whatever,
30:21
which is That's what I was picturing when I told story, I love that.
30:26
So I just had to wear a closed toe shoes, always, a
30:32
blazer, no dangling earrings, hair up. You couldn't be a girl in
30:34
finance and be smart. So and I fit in and I did fine,
30:40
like I'm all won the awards and all of that stuff. And then when
30:45
I broke out of my shell and said no, no, no, no,
30:48
hang on, I have brains and breasts and I'm good and I love
30:51
my clients, and I decided to share my story. Brains and breasts,
30:55
right, Beanbie? And or no bra, Bra, Yeah, it doesn't
31:02
matter, bra or no bra I still have my brains and breasts, and
31:06
I decided to do that everywhere, and I think it was in two thousand
31:11
and twelvesh eleven or twelvesh and since then, I can't like. They usually
31:18
literally told me to have an office in a different town than where I live
31:22
because your clients should not see you at a bar or at a restaurant with
31:26
your family or anything like. It was so hidden. The financial industry is
31:30
so covert and convoluted and full of crap that I'm almost pushing against that.
31:37
When I'm doing all of this, I'm saying, no, this is who
31:41
I am. Rebellion. I am totally REBELLIOND so not I'm not saying do
31:45
this. I'm saying I'm still in that rubber band phase of breaking out of
31:48
so they know everything. They know everything, like you know, I shouldn't
31:53
say everything, but you know what I mean a lot of my life and
31:56
I so far, what I've experienced is honesty makes them feel so secure.
32:07
And when I'm dealing with money and finances and coaching someone in their life,
32:10
they want to know that I'm not perfect. In fact, I literally just
32:14
had a lady call and she goes, I'm with you because you told me
32:16
that you messed up and I'm so ashamed of where I'm at. So I've
32:22
gotten good response from that. I've not had any clients leave because of that.
32:30
So I don't know if it's working or not. Well, I think
32:34
that it makes us more relatable when we're putting ourselves out there and we're showing
32:40
our imperfections, because if we show up as having it all together all the
32:46
time, everything is just perfect. Nobody is like that, right exactly.
32:57
They are on Instagram, Karen Judge, you see everything. It's not reality.
33:01
Yeah, it's just it's not real, right, And so why would
33:05
somebody work with if you're completely unrelatable? Then why would why would someone trust
33:12
themselves to open up? And it's suchily as coaches, like you know,
33:15
we have to be that first. We have to you know, as you
33:19
know, as leaders, you know, like Simon Sinec says, you know,
33:22
we have to we have to eat you know, we eat leaders eat
33:24
last, like you know, but sometimes we have to show up first,
33:29
right in a way that allows people to say, oh, this is okay,
33:35
right, It's like, oh, well, she's vulnerable, she's opening
33:39
up about her shit. Okay, I can do that too, right,
33:43
and then we can get to work. But you know, until people feel
33:47
that, you know, it just and and I get Jennifer, where you
33:51
came from, with your industry, and that had to be, you know,
33:53
very stifling, especially for who you are, right, Yeah, to
33:59
just really hold all of that back, and it's it's you know, and
34:02
it feels icky. It feels inauthentic because it's not who you are, right
34:08
And so that to me was kind of for me too. That was the
34:13
It just felt icky. Not not being me just didn't feel right, Like
34:16
I would literally get nauseous. It was like a feeling in my body to
34:22
say, you know. And then when I feel that, it's like I
34:24
have to look at Okay, where am I not being open? Where am
34:28
I not being truthful? Or even and I say truthful is just withholding many
34:32
times too, it's just not really allowing that. But it is a fine
34:37
line because in that process of learning how to be vulnerable, sometimes you know,
34:43
we can the pendult can swing a little too far in one direction,
34:45
right, Yeah, So you're like, yeah, like vomiting all over people
34:51
and they're like whoa that consistor Like TMI TM I right, right, And
34:55
so it is about finding that balance of how how much do we share,
35:00
how much do we you know, hold back? But I think, as
35:05
petal And said too, it has very much to do with us, right
35:08
And how does it how does it feel? And you know, and how
35:10
much of ourselves are we willing to to share? Right? And sometimes it's
35:17
a little testing the waters to see how people will respond to our you know,
35:22
to us And you know, what is the situation? Is it a
35:25
business situation? Is it somebody that we're trying to create a relationship with,
35:30
friendship, you know, intimate relationship? Right? So how do you do
35:35
that, Denise? In your world? Well, I was just going to
35:37
say I really appreciate the shares that you all are bringing forth, and I
35:44
also want to say that there is not only is there a balance, but
35:49
I think over time you begin to figure out where the boundary is because I
35:52
think there is also a little bit of a point where you kind of want
35:57
to maybe judge each situation moment by moment or look at who you're what about
36:02
you? So for me personally, okay, yeah, me personally, like
36:06
in a different industry, I am, and so with me with my training,
36:08
like I'm in the families homes, like I work with families that have
36:10
kids with disabilities right and development untili. So I'm in their home hearing about
36:15
all their personal shit and we go all over the place into some really deep,
36:20
deep deep conversations and discussions and topics. And I've actually trained and coached
36:28
other people coming into this profession because there was no filter and there you know,
36:34
some people don't have a filter. And in my mind, it's it's
36:37
really not okay for a professional who's supposed to be serving a client coming into
36:44
the home and tell talking about their sex life, right, or their problem
36:49
with their boyfriend that night, or oh okay, she's not thinking she's frozen.
37:00
Okay, Peter, start it just saying okay, so again, let
37:07
me so we got the gist of it. Denise, here's a question for
37:09
you. I love that you said that because you it's another thing that I
37:15
thought of with you and your families. They don't have the space to hold
37:19
what's going on with you. They don't need to know what's going on with
37:22
you because they got enough crap to deal with. Absolutely, And that's what
37:27
I was going to say, Like for me, it's a fine balance.
37:29
There's a fine line, and I have things come up that I mean,
37:32
it might actually push my own button, and sometimes I do share, decide
37:37
to share, like, Okay, this is the same issue that I dealt
37:39
with with my little girl, my wounded little girl, and I got over
37:44
it, and I can share how to get out of it, you know,
37:45
And so I'll share it and people are super happy that I'm relatable and
37:50
oh my god, that's my issue too, And they even use my past
37:52
examples to bring and share with the groups, right or other family members.
37:59
And sometimes I have to squash it because I'm there for them. Yes,
38:04
like this week and or this last month, one of my clients is sharing
38:08
how she's grieving the fact that she just learned she can't have any more children,
38:14
right, And that's my biggest regret is not having my own children.
38:17
Right, So, like I could completely break down in the moment and go,
38:22
oh no, no, I end up children, Like I totally get
38:25
it, and I'm grieving that too, and it's still like because we got
38:29
and that is not going to serve her or anybody else on the call,
38:32
right, So it would be vulnerable, it would be authentic for me to
38:37
say, yeah, I've dealt with the same shit or similar shit, and
38:44
and how's how I can help you? Right? And it might be personal
38:47
one on one conversation with her, or it might be Okay, I'm gonna
38:51
take my fate, my big feelings off the call and reach out to one
38:54
of you, Lovely's right, my soul sapers, or someone else that I've
38:59
talked with about my own ship that can coach me through whatever I got going
39:02
on. But I don't think a client should be having to hold the bucket
39:07
and hold space for me, for sure, And so that's what I wanted
39:10
to bring this awesome Petelen, How do you handle it in the in the
39:13
business? Here was your question? Yeah, Um, well, I'm very
39:17
clear that I am not expecting sympathy or any any any measure of all because
39:23
I'm here to serve um the thing. But I've also I run into people
39:29
all the time that I may be making this up. But even psychology they
39:36
talk about this where there are helpers in the world. We are all helpers,
39:43
um, and we need people to not me, but there are many
39:47
who need people to be wounded, yeah, so that they can jump in
39:52
and go, oh you know it's going to be okay. You like,
39:57
pardon, they need to rescue like they need Yes, that's a good way
40:00
to put it. And you run into them. Also, you know my
40:04
Facebook put well some of you know my Facebook posts. You know, some
40:06
of you might read. But but you know, I come into situations and
40:09
so on where i will write about it and so on. Sometimes I'll borrow
40:14
from stories of my past and so on, and I'm really for me,
40:17
I'm kind of a thinking person. So I'm just relating something because it's as
40:22
a service. I think that it might be interesting for people who might you
40:25
know, get something from it and so on. I'm not doing it because
40:29
I'm looking for sympathy at all, because I wouldn't post to Facebook unless,
40:32
you know, unless it's clearly like this just happened, holy crap, you
40:36
know kind of thing. So um and and the responses are often because people
40:42
are starting to get to know me better and the people who read my posts
40:45
and so on they kind of grasp where I'm coming from. But there are
40:49
still those that kind of go, oh, you know, it'll be okay,
40:52
and it's just like, you know what, fuck you, that's not
40:54
the whole service that's not the purpose of the post. You know, I'm
40:59
not a wounded it. I don't need to be saved, you know whatever.
41:01
But you know, but that's but that I have no control over that.
41:05
You know, people respond how they respond, and it says more about
41:07
them than it does about whatever. So it's um so it's just interesting to
41:12
look to look for. Like Denise was saying, why am I why what
41:16
is the purpose of sharing this? Am I looking for a sympathy or you
41:22
know, is that what I want? Or is it purely in service?
41:23
And the instance someone turns like like turns their attention to my issue as if
41:30
I'm looking for sympathy because that's what they know, right, I instantly go,
41:36
um, I'm sharing this not because I need any support. I'm good
41:42
with it. You know, been there, done that. I'm sharing this
41:45
because it may offer some insight for you. So I'm very clear I do
41:49
not need them emotionally in that moment. This is not It's not what I'm
41:52
doing. So um So for me, that boundary is really clear. You
41:58
know, I feel like it is for them too, Yeah, because obviously
42:02
I think it is for you too, And I think that's one of the
42:05
reasons you get away with it so well, yeah, yeah, because I
42:07
don't say it for the sympathy right now, and they know that, like
42:10
it's literally a teachable moment most of the time. Now, I will say
42:15
I did put a post out on Facebook because I did want sympathy. I
42:20
went through my thirty year anniversary of losing my kids and I got a lot
42:22
of sympathy. I did, and it was wonderful and it made me feel
42:25
and I literally did it for that reason. I'm sitting here going, okay,
42:31
let's just do a quick little post and see what happens. And it
42:36
is exactly and it was so great, Like it felt so good. So
42:38
I love that you said why are you doing it? Right? Like,
42:43
what is the intention behind sharing a story or sharing your experience and making it
42:47
clear that you know this is a teachable moment or I'm sad today or whatever?
42:52
Yeah that makes sense. Okay, So we have how many minutes left?
42:57
Six minutes left? So what how do we want to tie up vulnerability
43:02
in a bow? I hear that we're recommending it and being our own master
43:09
of it, right, what maybe is one? I feel like it's changed
43:17
my life. Vulnerability has changed my life. It's helped me heal, it's
43:21
helped me get forward, It's helped me make money, it's helped me lose
43:23
weight. It's helped me find love and who I have orgasms. It's helped
43:27
me get clients. It's helped me be authentic. It's taken so much stress
43:30
over my because I am who I am everywhere, so like I don't have
43:34
to worry about a lot of that, right. So, I feel like
43:37
it has changed my life and I love it. So maybe let's end it
43:40
on a positive note. What has vulnerability done for you and either the area
43:46
or the story or whatever that you would want to share with everyone. So,
43:50
like too many teach who wants to go first, I'll let you pick.
43:54
I'll go first while my internet's still good markets echo, I feel that,
44:00
Yes, I agree, vulnerability has completely changed my life. Being on
44:04
the other side of it is freeing for me. It was, Oh my
44:08
god, I'm not the only one who's fucked up. I'm not the only
44:12
one who's struggling with this. I see other people that they're not there to
44:19
just go oh or pick me up or whatever, but they're they're there to
44:22
champion me, to get me through to the other side. They don't want
44:25
to do it for me, but they want to be there with me when
44:30
I'm fighting my own demons, whatever they might be, and moving myself forward
44:36
to a place where I can feel completely free myself. And it just allows
44:40
me to be whoever I want to show up as pj's and blinging earrings at
44:45
all in whatever situation, family, friends, colleagues, clients, romantic you
44:52
know, soon to be romantic partners, etc. It's yeah, it's awesome,
44:55
and so it's scary. So if you don't have the support, find
45:00
the support so you can be more vulnerable. Awesome. Next, Oh my
45:07
gosh, lady, think that the for me vulnerability has It's allowed me to
45:12
get to know me because I spent so much time as a chameleon trying to
45:21
figure out who other people who I needed to be for other people, versus
45:28
really knowing who the hell I was, And I got to actually and it
45:32
was not because of them. It was never because of them. It was
45:36
always because I thought I needed to do something or be somebody different because I
45:39
wasn't comfortable enough. It's who I am, and so I got to create
45:44
that person and really get to choose who I want to be. I have
45:49
found my voice because I speak what it is that is my truth. Or
45:54
I ask questions that are uncomfortable and create uncomfortable conversation without fear of this person
46:04
leaving, because if they leave because of an uncomfortable conversation, then they're probably
46:08
not the right person for the type of relationships that I seek, intimate relationships
46:15
with friends, partners, whatever, right with yourself and with myself. And
46:22
it allows me to wake up and look at myself in the mirror and say,
46:24
you know, we're gonna be okay, We're going to be okay.
46:29
I love that, you know. Pel Yeah. I enjoy vulnerability because it
46:36
keeps me human. It reminds me that I am imperfect um, and it
46:39
keeps me relatable. I think it just reminds me that my work isn't done,
46:45
and so in a sense, I don't ever. I think I never
46:47
want to be done with it because because that's part of being human. For
46:52
me, it's, you know, part of the journey, and it's part
46:55
of being able to laugh at myself because honestly, you know, it's it's
47:00
not a lot of fun, you know, otherwise unless we learn to laugh
47:05
at ourselves. And I know Karen and I laugh a lot, but you
47:07
know, just the being human and you know how we're perfect and everybody else
47:14
is fucked up, and you know, yeah, I would just do what
47:16
I say, you know, and then we laugh at that because you know,
47:21
obviously that's ridiculous, but it's too you know, I think I think
47:23
it's a good thing. Um. I like the to look at the etymology
47:28
of words and the it's Latin based on vulnerabilists. Vulnerabilists excuse me, which
47:34
is wounding circus sixteen hundred um. So yeah, to wound to hurt.
47:42
So it's it's out of our pain, right, the pain of childbirth,
47:45
the pain of being born, the pain of being raised, the pain of
47:49
learning how to be human, and the pain of learning that it's okay to
47:52
be human. Ultimately, I love that. Well, I absolute and is
48:00
gonna have some pain totally. And I dropped my keys yesterday. Talk about
48:09
vulnerable, So I lost my keys. I don't do that. I'm so
48:15
embarrassed. I'm like, how lame is that? Um? And I lost
48:19
my glasses. Thank you, Universe for giving me this wonderful lesson of slowing
48:23
down. Don't get overwhelmed. I'm quite sure what it is. Yet you
48:27
get to buy new glasses and you get to get new keys and a new
48:30
key ring. How exciting? Yes, so freaking exciting, Denise, I
48:35
can't wait. But yes, so I love that. I love that because
48:40
for me, that's a challenge to share that I'm doing stupid things like that,
48:45
because I do have judgment over my children when they I know, but
48:49
when they lose their keys, it irritates me because that costs money and it's
48:52
a pain in the butt. So now I'm like, oh, judge judy
48:57
here, I just lost my keys. I guess I can't judge someone else
48:59
now because I just did that and I'm a grown ass adult and I still
49:02
did it, So it could be on little tiny things as well, right,
49:07
and just to kind of look at that. Okay, we are at
49:09
time. Oh ladies, I love, love, love you so much.
49:15
Thank you, thank you for being here for our soul sisters. Check out
49:17
the other stuff you mentioned leadership sh Karen, Like we have one on leadership,
49:22
we have so many more. Check out the other the other shows that
49:24
we have and we'll have another one too. Thank you, ladies, love
49:29
love, thank you all. We appreciate you joining us today, and don't
49:35
forget to subscribe to the rock my Finances YouTube channel for more engagement and bonus
49:40
content. Tell me what is your money story? Let's find out with Jennifer
49:45
four pm Eastern one pm Pacific every Thursday right here on k forour HD radio
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and Talk for TV. It's not about the zeros, It's about the F
49:55
word, feeling, feelings. Jennifer can't wait to exp We're with you next
50:00
week. Until then, let's all say I rock my Finances