Latest / Mom Wars / Strictly Katharine Birbalsingh

Transcript

Strictly Katharine Birbalsingh · Mom Wars

0:01
Speaker 1: From the front lines of the mom Wars. Here's Bethany
0:04
Speaker 1: Mandel and Kara Kennedy.
0:08
Speaker 2: Hello and welcome to another episode of your favorite podcast.
0:12
Speaker 2: My name is Bethany Mandel, and I am joined by
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Speaker 2: another beautiful woman with a wonderful accent. But it is
0:19
Speaker 2: not my co host, Kara Kennedy. I am instead joined
0:23
Speaker 2: by Catherine Berbel Singh. She is the host of the
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Speaker 2: new podcast I think it's out today called Strictly Education,
0:30
Speaker 2: and she is the strictest mistress in all of England.
0:34
Speaker 2: She's the headmistress of the Michaelis School in London. Thank
0:37
Speaker 2: you so much for joining me, Catherine.
0:39
Speaker 1: Yes, well, thanks for having me.
0:41
Speaker 2: This is so fun. So I watched an incredible viral
0:44
Speaker 2: speech that you gave at the ARC the ARC convention
0:47
Speaker 2: in London over the yeah, over the summer, and you
0:51
Speaker 2: introduced yourself as the strictest headmistress in all of what
0:55
Speaker 2: London or englandal Briton. Oh whoa, that's amazing. So I
1:02
Speaker 2: love it because so here I tweeted this actually a
1:05
Speaker 2: couple of days ago. But people always ask me about
1:08
Speaker 2: like the fact that I homeschool and you know what
1:11
Speaker 2: about socialization and in my county, there was this week
1:17
Speaker 2: a carjacking in which seven children who are my oldest
1:21
Speaker 2: daughter's age aka thirteen years old, took a car, hijacked it,
1:26
Speaker 2: and then drove it into a storefront. And it's my goodness, yeah,
1:30
Speaker 2: because if you're thirteen years old, you can't be charged basically,
1:33
Speaker 2: so you just can. You can break the law with
1:36
Speaker 2: abandon and face no consequences. Yeah, isn't that crazy?
1:39
Speaker 3: Oh my goodness?
1:40
Speaker 1: Yeah, So I.
1:42
Speaker 2: Said, this is why I'm okay with skipping on the
1:46
Speaker 2: socialization of public schools, because these would be my kid's peers.
1:50
Speaker 1: Yes, well, yes, I mean okay, So just to put
1:54
Speaker 1: my cards on the table, I mean, people always feel
1:56
Speaker 1: homeschoolers always feel a bit uncomfortable around me, because obviously
1:59
Speaker 1: I will my whole life in education. I've worked in schools,
2:02
Speaker 1: but I am very pro homeschooling, I'm sure, and in fact,
2:07
Speaker 1: whenever I meet people with kids, I always well, I'm
2:11
Speaker 1: always asking about the schools in their areas and what
2:13
Speaker 1: they might want to look at, And if there is
2:15
Speaker 1: no really good school, my suggestion is always have you
2:18
Speaker 1: thought about homeschooling? Because homeschooling is a genuine option. I
2:22
Speaker 1: think a lot of people don't consider it because they think, well,
2:25
Speaker 1: school is just what you have to do, and we've
2:28
Speaker 1: all been sort of infantilized a bit by the state
2:31
Speaker 1: in thinking, well, the state must look after my child's education.
2:35
Speaker 1: I find that when I go on ex Twitter and
2:39
Speaker 1: tweet out things like, you know, parents must teach their
2:42
Speaker 1: children how to read, I get all of these people
2:44
Speaker 1: attacking me saying that's the teacher's job. That's not my job.
2:48
Speaker 1: I'm just his mother, and I always think, yes, but
2:50
Speaker 1: he doesn't even go to school to at least five,
2:52
Speaker 1: So what do you think is happening in those first
2:55
Speaker 1: few years you need to be reading to him. You
2:57
Speaker 1: don't have him reading.
2:59
Speaker 3: He could be totally reading before he even goes to school.
3:03
Speaker 1: So if you send him to school and he doesn't
3:05
Speaker 1: know how to read, then he's behind all the kids
3:08
Speaker 1: who have been taught how to read by their parents,
3:10
Speaker 1: you know. So I just think we really have got
3:13
Speaker 1: it all backwards. We don't understand as parents just how
3:16
Speaker 1: much we can do for our children in terms of
3:18
Speaker 1: teaching them.
3:19
Speaker 3: If we don't send them to school, then we.
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Speaker 1: Homeschool, or even if we send them to school, we
3:23
Speaker 1: should still be teaching them.
3:24
Speaker 2: At I think so many of the sort of parenting
3:28
Speaker 2: issues of our children's generation are parenting issues that parents
3:34
Speaker 2: do not feel that they have to proactively as a
3:37
Speaker 2: verb parent, Yes, exactly. And it's all a byproduct of
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Speaker 2: that refusal to be an authoritarian in so many ways,
3:46
Speaker 2: and one of them is schooling. One of them is
3:48
Speaker 2: sitting down and saying, you know, it's time to do school.
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Speaker 2: So many people ask me when I say that I homeschool, well,
3:55
Speaker 2: how do you how do you draw the line between
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Speaker 2: teacher and parent? And I say there is no line.
4:01
Speaker 2: I say now it's time to do this and yes,
4:05
Speaker 2: And it blows people's minds because they don't, like, I
4:10
Speaker 2: don't understand what's happening in their houses. But I'm like,
4:13
Speaker 2: wells just a byproduct of parenting.
4:16
Speaker 1: Yes, I agree. Now what's interesting is your use of
4:19
Speaker 1: the word authoritarian. So what I would say is that
4:22
Speaker 1: you're not an authoritarian. What you are is an authority,
4:26
Speaker 1: and that there is a distinction between authority and authoritarian.
4:31
Speaker 1: And it's because we are all so terrified of being
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Speaker 1: authoritarian that we don't allow ourselves to be an authority.
4:37
Speaker 1: So what I mean by that is Hitler is an
4:39
Speaker 1: authoritarian for instance, Right, I think you obviously are a
4:42
Speaker 1: tyrant and you're mean and you hate children, and that's
4:46
Speaker 1: what it is to be an authoritarian. Okay, fine, that
4:49
Speaker 1: might be the word authoritarian, But being an authority is
4:53
Speaker 1: someone who loves the child, who's trying to mold them
4:56
Speaker 1: into a better version of themselves so that when they
4:59
Speaker 1: are a dult, they no longer need you. You know,
5:03
Speaker 1: you're not making your child pick up his knife and
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Speaker 1: fork and sit up properly in his chair to eat
5:08
Speaker 1: his dinner because you hate him. It's so that when
5:11
Speaker 1: he's twenty five years old, he can do it without
5:13
Speaker 1: you standing next to him. Right, that's why you're doing it.
5:16
Speaker 1: And so I think that unfortunately, because the idea of
5:20
Speaker 1: authoritarianism has sort of taken over our mindsets. And in
5:23
Speaker 1: that speech actually at AWK, I talk about the idea
5:26
Speaker 1: that everyone's taught about Hitler and how Hitler is this
5:29
Speaker 1: evil guy and nobody wants to be like Hitler, and
5:31
Speaker 1: so then we think, well, then I can't be in
5:33
Speaker 1: charge of my kids, which is crazy, but that's the
5:36
Speaker 1: thinking that leads us down this terrible road of just
5:39
Speaker 1: letting kids do whatever they want.
5:41
Speaker 2: Yeah. And I've talked to some psychiatrists who are they
5:46
Speaker 2: are good at stepping back and looking at the trends
5:50
Speaker 2: in their profession and they say to me, and they're
5:54
Speaker 2: you know, more right leaning, I guess, but they say
5:57
Speaker 2: to me, you know, it used to be that all
6:00
Speaker 2: of the trends of parenting did not lean in this
6:03
Speaker 2: gentle direction. That there was you know, boundaries that were set.
6:07
Speaker 2: And now you know, for example, when you're taught like
6:12
Speaker 2: how to get out the door, people ask me all
6:14
Speaker 2: the time, I have six children, how do you get
6:15
Speaker 2: out the door?
6:16
Speaker 1: Yes?
6:17
Speaker 2: And the I mean they have one child. And I say, well,
6:21
Speaker 2: when they say they don't want to put their shoes on,
6:24
Speaker 2: it doesn't I don't sit down with them and say,
6:26
Speaker 2: I don't play game with them and make it into
6:29
Speaker 2: a game. I don't ask them why or what they're feeling.
6:33
Speaker 2: Put them on and get out the door.
6:36
Speaker 3: Exactly.
6:38
Speaker 1: Exactly.
6:39
Speaker 3: And you're not saying to them, there's the blue shoes
6:42
Speaker 3: and the red shoes and the yellow shoes, darling, which
6:44
Speaker 3: ones would you like to put on?
6:46
Speaker 1: You're not saying that.
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Speaker 3: You're saying, put on your shoes.
6:48
Speaker 1: We need to go now.
6:49
Speaker 2: Yeah, And that's how I was. I was an only child,
6:53
Speaker 2: and that's how I was raised. There was, and honestly,
6:56
Speaker 2: people think it's mean, but I actually found it very
7:00
Speaker 2: safe and comforting because I wasn't in charge. I wasn't
7:04
Speaker 2: the seven year old who was directing the ship. I
7:06
Speaker 2: was very manipulative, but I wasn't. I wasn't directing the
7:10
Speaker 2: ship well.
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Speaker 1: And that's how the week you directing the ship. It's
7:15
Speaker 1: something that you're not able to do at that age,
7:17
Speaker 1: and it is unfair to put that on children. And
7:20
Speaker 1: so but notice how you know people are I think
7:23
Speaker 1: it's mean because they think it's authoritarian that we come
7:26
Speaker 1: back to that point as opposed to No, I love
7:28
Speaker 1: the child enough to give him boundaries and to use
7:32
Speaker 1: praise and punishment, you know, judiciously and in order. So
7:37
Speaker 1: if the child is last time didn't put on his
7:40
Speaker 1: shoes quickly, but this time does, you would say, well done, darling,
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Speaker 1: you've done that really well, yescell, and I'm so happy
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Speaker 1: with that. But if he was to do it slowly,
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Speaker 1: you'd say no, no, no, no, no, that isn't happening. I'm
7:49
Speaker 1: not happy with this, and you would you would change
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Speaker 1: your voice and your tone to make it clear what
7:54
Speaker 1: you want and what you don't want.
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Speaker 2: I always compare parenting to dog training because I effusively praise,
8:03
Speaker 2: play it on, so so so thick, exactly, so proud
8:07
Speaker 2: of that behavior. Wow, and I like, I tell my husband,
8:09
Speaker 2: who saw it? But I predict did you see how
8:12
Speaker 2: she did that? That was exactly incredible exactly, And the
8:16
Speaker 2: bad stuff gets a very curt No, that's not how
8:19
Speaker 2: it's done. Try again.
8:21
Speaker 1: Yes, well, your listeners will love so strictly education, which
8:26
Speaker 1: they can now see today Thursday, it's launching. There are
8:30
Speaker 1: two episodes coming out. There's the launch episode and then
8:33
Speaker 1: the next episode. The other episode is on ritual formation
8:36
Speaker 1: and just what you've just said there about saying dad,
8:39
Speaker 1: get over here. Look at how Johnny's holding his knife
8:41
Speaker 1: and fork. I'm cooking through the exact scenario in the
8:45
Speaker 1: episode where I'm just explaining, how is it that you
8:49
Speaker 1: get kids to do what you want them to do?
8:51
Speaker 4: Yeah?
8:52
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean it's just ritual formation, so habit formation.
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Speaker 1: You need to praise them loads when they get it right,
9:00
Speaker 1: and you need to tell them off when they get
9:01
Speaker 1: it wrong. And actually, if you just keep doing that consistently,
9:04
Speaker 1: you see, what children don't like is inconsistency. So the
9:08
Speaker 1: thing is, you and dad, and the uncles and the
9:10
Speaker 1: grandmothers and everybody all need to be singing from the
9:13
Speaker 1: same hymn sheet, all with the same expectations. Because if
9:17
Speaker 1: mom and dad, or other people, especially if mum and
9:20
Speaker 1: dad do not have the same expectations of the child,
9:23
Speaker 1: the child gets confused and thinks, well, how come mom
9:26
Speaker 1: says I can go on my smartphone, but Dad says
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Speaker 1: I shouldn't. How come Dad says that I can wear
9:31
Speaker 1: whatever I want, but Mom says I can only wear this.
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Speaker 1: You know, it's it. You have to have similar expectations.
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Speaker 2: Yeah. Absolutely.
9:46
Speaker 5: Does the Constitution require a unitary executive in control of
9:51
Speaker 5: all things apportioned to the executive branch? John You says yes.
9:56
Speaker 4: The Constitution grants all executive power in the federal government
10:01
Speaker 4: to the president. One of those duties of the president
10:05
Speaker 4: also has is to take care that the laws be
10:09
Speaker 4: faithfully executed. He's the only official in the Constitution who
10:14
Speaker 4: has given that responsibility.
10:16
Speaker 5: George Well says no, it seems to me.
10:19
Speaker 6: The unitary executive theory scratches what I would call humanity's
10:24
Speaker 6: rosetta stown itch. That is the desire to find something
10:28
Speaker 6: that decodes everything and answers all questions.
10:32
Speaker 5: The unitary executive theory coming up on Conservative Crossroads.
10:37
Speaker 7: Ricochet join the conversation.
10:55
Speaker 2: When people are listening to this conversation and they're thinking,
10:58
Speaker 2: I want to change gears. There's something wrong in my house,
11:01
Speaker 2: because I hear this a lot from people with like
11:03
Speaker 2: an eight year old, for example, or they're like things
11:06
Speaker 2: are not going great. Yeah, and my kid is out
11:09
Speaker 2: of control and I am not in control. Like, what
11:13
Speaker 2: tangible steps would you give people who are in that
11:16
Speaker 2: situation to wrap the ship and make themselves into an
11:19
Speaker 2: authority in their house.
11:21
Speaker 1: Okay, So they need to decide what it is that
11:23
Speaker 1: going to change. Everyone in the household needs to be clear.
11:26
Speaker 1: So mom and dad would need to both beat Okay,
11:28
Speaker 1: we're going to change these things. And then we need
11:31
Speaker 1: to tell the child there's a new sheriff in town. Right,
11:34
Speaker 1: you've been used to this. This is now changing. This
11:36
Speaker 1: is who we now are, and these are our expectations now.
11:39
Speaker 1: Depending on the age of the child, you might actually
11:41
Speaker 1: want to write a little contract. You could write a
11:43
Speaker 1: contract saying okay, so this is now going to be
11:45
Speaker 1: the case, both of you signed to say we've agreed
11:48
Speaker 1: that from now on. I know you've been watching or
11:50
Speaker 1: going on your phone for four hours a night, but
11:53
Speaker 1: this isn't happening anymore. I'm only allowing you half an hour.
11:55
Speaker 1: Or you've been playing video games all Saturday. Now now
11:58
Speaker 1: it's only two hours on a Saturday, two hours on
11:59
Speaker 1: a s whatever it is. Or with a little one,
12:02
Speaker 1: you wouldn't be doing a contract. You're just going to
12:04
Speaker 1: have to tell them and then you need to follow through.
12:07
Speaker 1: You just you need to make sure that you follow
12:10
Speaker 1: through on whatever you say. If you say a punishment's
12:12
Speaker 1: going to come through, the punishment comes through. If you
12:15
Speaker 1: say whatever it is you say, you just follow through on.
12:18
Speaker 1: And you need to find So it's really important to think, well,
12:21
Speaker 1: what are the things that the child likes and what
12:23
Speaker 1: are the things you're going to take away when when
12:25
Speaker 1: they're misbehaving. But don't just take everything away. So I
12:28
Speaker 1: find with the parents at school, they'll I'm taking it
12:30
Speaker 1: all away and they're like, wait, wait a minute, you
12:33
Speaker 1: have nothing to bargain with. Now you have to just
12:36
Speaker 1: take bits away and then you can give something back.
12:39
Speaker 1: And there has to be you know, the child needs
12:41
Speaker 1: to feel that it's fair, right, which is why it
12:44
Speaker 1: needs to be discussed beforehand so that they know what
12:47
Speaker 1: is coming, because otherwise they think, well, this has just
12:49
Speaker 1: come out of the blue. What are you talking about?
12:50
Speaker 1: Why are you doing this right? So just be really
12:54
Speaker 1: clear about And that's why I say with the older
12:56
Speaker 1: ones to actually write it down, because they can be
12:58
Speaker 1: quite clever and say you never said that. I don't
13:00
Speaker 1: know what you mean. You know so, and then you
13:03
Speaker 1: just follow through with the praise and the punishment and
13:05
Speaker 1: follow through with the threats, and I you'll find they change.
13:09
Speaker 2: I have found also that you have to be judicious
13:11
Speaker 2: and what you're deciding to give and takeaway. Yes, so
13:15
Speaker 2: I know someone who took away all of her child's
13:19
Speaker 2: playtime with friends, and that time is like a release valve.
13:24
Speaker 2: It's really, really, really important if you're gonna take anything away,
13:28
Speaker 2: take away the screens like that to me is numero
13:31
Speaker 2: uno probably the origin. And I'm saying this as someone
13:34
Speaker 2: who's not screened free. By the way, like we use
13:37
Speaker 2: screens in our house. It is not our friend always,
13:42
Speaker 2: it's my friend. When I'm making dinner, I like screens.
13:46
Speaker 2: So an hour a night when I can make dinner
13:48
Speaker 2: and no one's talking to me. Is my time?
13:51
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, no, no exactly. Screens definitely go to. But
13:55
Speaker 1: then there might be other things. It depends. I mean,
13:58
Speaker 1: you know, and you like when you say take away
14:01
Speaker 1: all the friend time. That's crazy. You might say, Okay,
14:03
Speaker 1: you know what Friday night you like going out to
14:05
Speaker 1: this thing. You're not doing that anymore. For instance, depending
14:08
Speaker 1: on the age of the child, right right, you know,
14:10
Speaker 1: you've got a sixteen year old who's acting out and
14:13
Speaker 1: so on, and she's got some boyfriend or whatever. You say, right, well,
14:16
Speaker 1: you're not going to see him this weekend, you know
14:18
Speaker 1: that sort of thing. It does depend on the age.
14:21
Speaker 1: But yes, you do need to be judicious about what
14:24
Speaker 1: and also small things you're taking away which you can
14:27
Speaker 1: then give back, not everything, you know, and then and
14:31
Speaker 1: praise lots of praise when they get it right. You know,
14:34
Speaker 1: my kids love praise, and the kids love to know.
14:37
Speaker 3: That that you're.
14:38
Speaker 1: Getting it right and what you just said, Dad, come
14:40
Speaker 1: and look at this, Oh my goodness, or grandmom comes
14:43
Speaker 1: over our grandma. We need to tell you no one
14:45
Speaker 1: sod and such, you know, And so there's a real
14:48
Speaker 1: sense of achievement.
14:50
Speaker 2: So what does so in America, it's I think it's
14:55
Speaker 2: the craziest system ever. I can't even imagine why it
14:59
Speaker 2: works the way does. But we live within like seven
15:02
Speaker 2: blocks of the school that we have no choice, So
15:05
Speaker 2: every kid in this area goes to that not great
15:08
Speaker 2: school and there's just apathy all around because everything feels,
15:14
Speaker 2: you know, you're stuck, like yes, it's there, it's there,
15:18
Speaker 2: or you're going private and spending twenty thousand dollars a year. Yes,
15:22
Speaker 2: I'm wondering from your perspective as Britain's most strict headmistress,
15:27
Speaker 2: like how do you deal in a school with kids
15:32
Speaker 2: who have not been parented properly? Like how do they
15:36
Speaker 2: take off that hat? I think it's called like code switching,
15:39
Speaker 2: Like how do kids who have not been parented by
15:43
Speaker 2: anyone who understands how to be an authority? How do
15:47
Speaker 2: they then interface with you?
15:50
Speaker 1: Well, you know, it is interesting because if you use
15:53
Speaker 1: praise and punishment and build a relationship, So that's really important.
15:56
Speaker 1: There needs to be loved. If your child does not
15:58
Speaker 1: feel loved by you, and they're never going to behave
16:01
Speaker 1: for you, whether it's a teacher or a parent. So
16:03
Speaker 1: it's really important amongst all of the praise and punishment
16:05
Speaker 1: that you are bonding with your child. You know, you're
16:08
Speaker 1: spending time with them. You're reading a book together, you're
16:10
Speaker 1: watching a documentary together, you're playing some football together, whatever
16:14
Speaker 1: it is. You're doing things together, and they know that
16:17
Speaker 1: you like spending time with them, because if you don't,
16:20
Speaker 1: then there's no relationship there to fall back on.
16:23
Speaker 3: It's the same with teaching.
16:24
Speaker 1: Teachers have to build relationships, so we very much go
16:27
Speaker 1: way out of our way to build relationships with the kids.
16:30
Speaker 1: The kids feel like they are loved, and then there
16:33
Speaker 1: is a system which is very consistent of discipline across
16:36
Speaker 1: the school, so all the teachers are doing the same things.
16:39
Speaker 1: They're using the same discipline system across the school, which
16:42
Speaker 1: means the kids know what to expect. They're expecting the demerit,
16:45
Speaker 1: they're expecting the detention when they do something wrong, and
16:48
Speaker 1: they then don't hold it against the teacher because they
16:50
Speaker 1: know it's just part of the system and they know
16:52
Speaker 1: that the reason why we do this is because we
16:54
Speaker 1: love them. And everybody gets that, and they know that
16:56
Speaker 1: and get They have assemblies every day that will narrate
16:58
Speaker 1: these ideas to them all the time time, so they
17:01
Speaker 1: understand that they're part. They feel safe, is what you
17:03
Speaker 1: said about. They feel safe because there's an order to things.
17:07
Speaker 1: They know what's expected of them. They when they do
17:10
Speaker 1: something wrong, they know that they've done it wrong. Like
17:12
Speaker 1: they're not they're not stupid, they know and they go, well, okay,
17:15
Speaker 1: I'll take it on the chin. I've got a detention.
17:17
Speaker 1: It's not the end of the world. And then you'd
17:19
Speaker 1: be amazed actually at how kids from all kinds of
17:22
Speaker 1: backgrounds become much better versions of themselves.
17:25
Speaker 3: I mean, ultimately, what are we all trying to do.
17:26
Speaker 1: We're trying to make the children better versions of themselves
17:29
Speaker 1: tomorrow than they were today. And that's the case for
17:32
Speaker 1: any child, whether they come from a challenging background or
17:35
Speaker 1: one that's very supportive. The fact is, I mean, in
17:38
Speaker 1: some ways you really see a massive change for the
17:41
Speaker 1: kids who come from challenging backgrounds because they are so
17:44
Speaker 1: grateful for the order and the structure because they don't
17:47
Speaker 1: have it at home, you know.
17:48
Speaker 2: And maybe they're also grateful for the love.
17:51
Speaker 3: Exactly exactly so like it.
17:54
Speaker 1: The thing is is that what is hard in a school,
17:57
Speaker 1: and which is why lots of schools struggle with this,
17:59
Speaker 1: is to get that consistency across the school. So it's
18:01
Speaker 1: easier with an elementary school because it's a small environment.
18:05
Speaker 1: You've got a few teachers and the teacher has the
18:08
Speaker 1: children all day, whereas in a high school you have
18:12
Speaker 1: got you know, eight, nine, ten different teachers for one child.
18:16
Speaker 3: The kid is moving from class to class.
18:19
Speaker 1: You know, it's much harder from the leadership perspective of
18:22
Speaker 1: the school to try and get that consistency across the school,
18:25
Speaker 1: which is one of the reasons why. I mean, obviously
18:27
Speaker 1: also teenagers are just more difficult, obviously, but the fact
18:30
Speaker 1: is that it's also just more difficult because they're moving
18:33
Speaker 1: from class to class, and a high school is just
18:35
Speaker 1: a much bigger institution to try and bring consistency across
18:38
Speaker 1: the board.
18:40
Speaker 2: So what are you hoping to do with strictly education? Like,
18:43
Speaker 2: is this going to be just an education podcast or
18:46
Speaker 2: a parenting podcast? Sort of more generally, like, what is
18:49
Speaker 2: the vision here?
18:50
Speaker 1: It's for everyone who's interested in kids. So frankly, yes, parents, yes, teachers,
18:55
Speaker 1: but also I would say anybody who's interested in how
18:59
Speaker 1: children affect our worldview on things like so I often
19:03
Speaker 1: hear people talking about geopolitical issues, I mean, anything really philosophical,
19:09
Speaker 1: but they never talk about kids. And I'm always thinking, listen,
19:12
Speaker 1: you know this old man eighty six years old in Florida.
19:14
Speaker 1: He told me once he said, the thing is, Catherine,
19:17
Speaker 1: children only make up fifteen percent of the population, but
19:20
Speaker 1: they make up one hundred percent of the future. And
19:23
Speaker 1: the thing is they do. And so when we look
19:25
Speaker 1: at our gen zetters and we think, how come gen
19:28
Speaker 1: z are so obsessed with their feelings, really care about
19:31
Speaker 1: what they look like or a bit snowflaky? Are you know,
19:34
Speaker 1: get offended at the slightest thing, don't want to turn
19:36
Speaker 1: up on time, don't want to work or doing quiet quitting?
19:39
Speaker 1: Why is all of this happening? I always think, well,
19:41
Speaker 1: because they were they were young recently and they went
19:44
Speaker 1: to school, and we'll take them to be like that's
19:46
Speaker 1: how they were raised. They were raised like that by
19:48
Speaker 1: their parents, and they were raised like that by their teachers.
19:50
Speaker 1: Because the teachers have a huge influence on your child.
19:54
Speaker 1: So when you send your child to school, when they
19:56
Speaker 1: come home and you start thinking, I don't really recognize
19:58
Speaker 1: my child, I'm but you sent them to school that's why.
20:02
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, I couldn't agree with you more. I see
20:07
Speaker 2: all of this stuff as well, and it's you know,
20:09
Speaker 2: it's what we're seeing today is just a direct byproduct
20:12
Speaker 2: of poor parenting and poor education. But I also I
20:16
Speaker 2: like to look at I think, maybe because I've been
20:18
Speaker 2: parenting so intensely for the last thirteen years of my life.
20:21
Speaker 2: But I for example, I was talking to my husband
20:24
Speaker 2: Seth about this yesterday. What was his name, Jason our
20:28
Speaker 2: Day from Cambridge University. Yes, that's I pronounced his name correctly.
20:32
Speaker 3: Yes our Day.
20:33
Speaker 1: Yeah.
20:33
Speaker 2: Yeah, So I think he was ill ill served by
20:38
Speaker 2: everyone around him. He was put he was put so
20:41
Speaker 2: so high. Yes, And I compared it to when I'm
20:44
Speaker 2: with my kids at the playground and I don't lift
20:48
Speaker 2: them places that they can't climb by themselves, because yes,
20:52
Speaker 2: they can't get down, And that falls too far from yes.
20:56
Speaker 2: So when I heard his story, I thought to myself, like,
20:59
Speaker 2: he was if did very, very very high by people
21:03
Speaker 2: who were using him, because it's definitely because of his race,
21:07
Speaker 2: because of all these things, he was a convenient and
21:10
Speaker 2: then and then he was just left at the.
21:11
Speaker 1: Top, that's right, and he's fell worse. They just pulled
21:14
Speaker 1: the rug out from under him. It was just terrible.
21:16
Speaker 3: That's terrible, awful, awful stuff.
21:19
Speaker 1: And like you just said, it's like, you know when
21:21
Speaker 1: you said about you know, a kid, you know, you
21:24
Speaker 1: don't want to give them too much that they can't handle.
21:26
Speaker 1: You don't want to put them too high on the
21:28
Speaker 1: on the monkey bars. But you also don't want to
21:30
Speaker 1: ask them to lead the learning in the classroom because
21:32
Speaker 1: they can't do that. It's yeah, no, absolutely, it's that's
21:37
Speaker 1: the case for all of us, all of us. You know,
21:39
Speaker 1: I'm not trying to be Prime Minister of the country
21:41
Speaker 1: because that would be too much for me, you know.
21:44
Speaker 2: And so I wanted I wanted to talk with you
21:46
Speaker 2: a little bit about all of these racial elements, especially
21:49
Speaker 2: in England, because that was how he ended up there.
21:53
Speaker 2: So I feel like you probably have your your thumb
21:55
Speaker 2: on the pulse pretty good as here in America as well,
21:58
Speaker 2: Like what are you seeing as far as all this
22:01
Speaker 2: DEI stuff here and there, and sort of how this
22:05
Speaker 2: plays into the difficulties that we're facing an education right now,
22:08
Speaker 2: like with Jason for example.
22:11
Speaker 1: Yes, well, I mean it's what I was just saying
22:13
Speaker 1: about how we're educating our children to see the world.
22:15
Speaker 1: So unfortunately, the whole victimhood narrative, I think, has engulfed
22:20
Speaker 1: our schools where people don't even realize it's the water
22:23
Speaker 1: they swim in. They don't realize that there's anything wrong.
22:26
Speaker 1: They think it's normal for everyone to identify it as
22:29
Speaker 1: being in a particular kind of group. They could be black,
22:32
Speaker 1: they could be a boy or a girl, or trans
22:34
Speaker 1: or gay, or I'm suffering from mental health or I
22:36
Speaker 1: have special needs or there's always a victim lens that
22:40
Speaker 1: they see the world through and they leave that they
22:43
Speaker 1: very much because there's a hierarchy and you want as
22:45
Speaker 1: many of those lenses as possible so that you can
22:48
Speaker 1: claim to be the biggest victim because that is what
22:50
Speaker 1: people are well, that's what they admire, and that's what
22:53
Speaker 1: that allows you a certain social standing. And so unfortunately,
22:58
Speaker 1: our children from young ages are taught to think in
23:01
Speaker 1: this way and rather than be thinking, which is what
23:05
Speaker 1: we do at our school very much. Yes there are
23:07
Speaker 1: obstacles that will be in front of you, but we're
23:09
Speaker 1: not going to talk about those obstacles because that's not interesting.
23:11
Speaker 1: What's interesting the skills and the knowledge and the mindset
23:14
Speaker 1: and the values that we need to be able to
23:17
Speaker 1: overcome whatever obstacles come our way, because you know, when
23:20
Speaker 1: they're thirty five, I'm not going to be with them.
23:22
Speaker 1: What I need to do is instill in them a
23:25
Speaker 1: fundamental set of values that will enable them to jump
23:27
Speaker 1: over whatever obstacles come their way when they are older.
23:30
Speaker 1: And I think that I think teachers often just misunderstand
23:34
Speaker 1: what our role is, that that's what we're meant to
23:36
Speaker 1: be doing, and we don't actually talk to them about
23:38
Speaker 1: the sorts of values and the kinds of people that
23:40
Speaker 1: they're going to be. Often teachers just care about the
23:43
Speaker 1: sorts of grades that they're getting, as opposed to actually, no,
23:47
Speaker 1: it's about so much more than that growing up. I mean,
23:50
Speaker 1: you're not your homeschooling. You're not just thinking about, well,
23:53
Speaker 1: do you know your algebra? You're also wanting your child
23:55
Speaker 1: to be the kind of person who turns up on time,
23:58
Speaker 1: who is kind to other people, who's grateful for the
24:01
Speaker 1: things that he has, who takes personal responsibility and delivers
24:06
Speaker 1: when somebody asks him to, who apologizes when he does
24:09
Speaker 1: something wrong. And so this is a million things that
24:11
Speaker 1: you are teaching him, which is why parents are their
24:14
Speaker 1: child's first teacher, long before they ever get to school.
24:18
Speaker 1: It is so important to be instilling those habits in
24:20
Speaker 1: your child. And it is that ritual formation that your
24:23
Speaker 1: viewers would hear me talking about on Thursday in the podcast.
24:27
Speaker 1: Ritual formation is habit formation. It's how do you get
24:30
Speaker 1: the child to be this sort of person who just
24:33
Speaker 1: does this automatically. So at first you need to teach
24:36
Speaker 1: them how to, I don't know, pick up their plate
24:38
Speaker 1: at the end of dinner and take it to the kitchen,
24:41
Speaker 1: you know, and you have to keep insisting on it,
24:42
Speaker 1: insisting on it. Eventually they just do it without asking
24:45
Speaker 1: because it's part of who they are. All of us
24:47
Speaker 1: say please and thank you?
24:49
Speaker 3: Why because somebody.
24:50
Speaker 1: Insisted when we were little. You know, you can't have
24:53
Speaker 1: the chocolate until you say, pa, what's the word? What's
24:57
Speaker 1: the word?
24:57
Speaker 3: Until they say please?
24:58
Speaker 1: And eventually they just say it out thinking about it,
25:01
Speaker 1: And that ultimately is we're trying to climb. We talk
25:03
Speaker 1: about climbing the pyramid at Mikayla. You're trying to get
25:05
Speaker 1: to the top where it just becomes who you are.
25:08
Speaker 1: It's just natural to you to be grateful, to be
25:10
Speaker 1: kind to be hard working, to be resilient, to be
25:13
Speaker 1: somebody who puts others before yourself and sacrifices what's important
25:17
Speaker 1: to you for the sake of the whole. You know
25:20
Speaker 1: that all of those small Sea conservative values. So I'm
25:24
Speaker 1: always talking about small Sea conservative values and how they're
25:26
Speaker 1: an absolute bedrock that we all need. It used to
25:29
Speaker 1: be the case, I don't know, thirty forty years ago,
25:31
Speaker 1: across the political spectrum. You could be on the right,
25:33
Speaker 1: you could be on the left. It wouldn't have mattered.
25:35
Speaker 1: Everybody had small Sea conservative values and we just considered
25:37
Speaker 1: them to be normal values. Right nowadays, we've just lost
25:41
Speaker 1: those values, frankly, and that's why people then look at
25:44
Speaker 1: you and think you're being an authoritarian when all you
25:46
Speaker 1: are is being a loving mother.
25:48
Speaker 2: Yeah, and this is something that like when people tell
25:51
Speaker 2: me they want to homeschool, I say, but I you
25:54
Speaker 2: just you don't have an opportunity to give people parenting
25:56
Speaker 2: advice necessarily, So I don't see, but I would say
25:59
Speaker 2: this to any parents. There was a nineteenth century English
26:03
Speaker 2: educator named Charlotte Mason. I don't know if you're.
26:04
Speaker 1: Familiar, Yeah, yes, yes, no, I do know, yes, so she.
26:08
Speaker 2: I'm reading, so excuse the like stunted way I'm saying this,
26:11
Speaker 2: but she believed that education isn't just about filling a
26:14
Speaker 2: child's mind with facts, but equipping them to govern themselves
26:17
Speaker 2: and including morally. And the advice I give to people
26:21
Speaker 2: is like what kind of person do you want to raise?
26:25
Speaker 2: And yes, and what is the goal of education? Or
26:30
Speaker 2: I think that people are very detail oriented and they
26:34
Speaker 2: do the soccer, they do this, they do the violin lessens,
26:36
Speaker 2: all those things, but they're not thinking big picture of
26:39
Speaker 2: like who is what is my role here? And what
26:42
Speaker 2: is what is my optimal end result? And for me
26:46
Speaker 2: as a parent and you know as a homeschool parent,
26:48
Speaker 2: but just honestly as a parent, I want to raise
26:50
Speaker 2: my kids. How you've just described kids who have a
26:54
Speaker 2: thirst for learning and excitement for reading and for expanding
26:59
Speaker 2: their knowledge based and also people who are morally upstanding
27:03
Speaker 2: and who when they're driving by something that's happening, they
27:08
Speaker 2: stop it. I want to raise kids who stop their car. Yes,
27:12
Speaker 2: And I you know the things that I see wrong
27:16
Speaker 2: in our society that are going worse is I don't
27:19
Speaker 2: think that I think that we're losing a lot of
27:21
Speaker 2: people who stop their cars. Yes, and so that at
27:25
Speaker 2: the end of the day is I think what our
27:27
Speaker 2: jobs are and I think a lot of people aren't
27:29
Speaker 2: thinking enough about what is the ultimate responsibility that we
27:34
Speaker 2: have here, and I think that's reflected in the parenting
27:37
Speaker 2: that we're seeing.
27:38
Speaker 1: Yes, well, I mean, you know you said earlier about
27:42
Speaker 1: parenting as a verb that you must parent, and you
27:44
Speaker 1: must have a plan and a strategy and an understanding
27:48
Speaker 1: that it is your responsibility. You have the child, you
27:51
Speaker 1: now need to raise the child. And raising the child
27:54
Speaker 1: doesn't happen by accident. You have to plan out what
27:57
Speaker 1: you're doing. What do you do with your two year old?
28:00
Speaker 1: And then when he's eight, and then when he's fourteen,
28:02
Speaker 1: and then when he's eighteen, what are you doing with him?
28:04
Speaker 1: Where is he going? What is your plan? What kind
28:07
Speaker 1: of nineteen twenty year old do you want to have
28:09
Speaker 1: at the end of this? Right, they but I think
28:13
Speaker 1: that that's all been lost. And even if people think
28:17
Speaker 1: that's what they want, what's terrible is if you go
28:19
Speaker 1: to the bookstore now looking for books on how to
28:22
Speaker 1: help with your parenting, it's all gentle parenting.
28:25
Speaker 2: This is exactly the next question I was about to
28:27
Speaker 2: ask you what keep going?
28:29
Speaker 1: You're right well, because the fact is that it was
28:31
Speaker 1: one of the reasons why I wanted to put out
28:33
Speaker 1: strictly education, because I was thinking, how are people meant
28:36
Speaker 1: to know? I have moms to asking me all the
28:39
Speaker 1: time what should I do? How do I do this?
28:41
Speaker 1: And because they can't get the unless they have a grandmother,
28:44
Speaker 1: they can go to and ask the grandmother. But if
28:46
Speaker 1: the grandmother sadly has passed away or isn't around or whatever,
28:49
Speaker 1: literally they cannot get traditional advice.
28:53
Speaker 3: And I mean this it's just all wrong because.
28:55
Speaker 1: I mean this idea of you're going to sit your
28:57
Speaker 1: three year old down and have a philosophical convasation and
29:00
Speaker 1: explain through narrating why it is he shouldn't throw his
29:04
Speaker 1: food across the room like this is insane. You need
29:08
Speaker 1: to say no, yeah, that is not happening in this kidney.
29:21
Speaker 7: Hi, I'm Ben Sas and I'm Chris Steierwaldt.
29:24
Speaker 1: And this is not dead yet.
29:26
Speaker 7: We're all dying, but some of us have been brought
29:29
Speaker 7: face to face.
29:29
Speaker 5: With that reality.
29:31
Speaker 7: However long each of us have to do it. Though
29:33
Speaker 7: we all want to live a good life, one with meaning,
29:36
Speaker 7: love and joy, and our guests are here to help
29:39
Speaker 7: us do exactly that. Now available for download and streaming
29:43
Speaker 7: at ricochet dot com. Ricochet Yeah, join the conversation.
29:58
Speaker 2: It's so sad to me that people are parenting in
30:01
Speaker 2: this way because they're making it a miserable, horrible experience.
30:05
Speaker 2: And it doesn't have to be like when you are
30:08
Speaker 2: an authority, I like that instead of authoritarian, I'm going
30:10
Speaker 2: to steal it. When you are an authority, it actually
30:14
Speaker 2: makes your life and household more joyful because you are
30:18
Speaker 2: not being governed by the whims of someone's whose brain
30:22
Speaker 2: is not developed yet. So it's a much more peaceful,
30:25
Speaker 2: actually experience. When you have authority becact you just say
30:31
Speaker 2: stop it. And that's exactly And this is not my
30:35
Speaker 2: kid's favorite saying that I am saying that as a joke.
30:38
Speaker 2: Is this is not a democracy, which that's right, which
30:41
Speaker 2: is why I call myself an authoritarian, because this is
30:43
Speaker 2: not a democracy. I know what you want, this is
30:47
Speaker 2: what we're doing right now. Yes, and they're okay.
30:50
Speaker 1: And it shouldn't be a democracy. But the reason why
30:52
Speaker 1: you're not an authoritarian is because you're doing it because
30:55
Speaker 1: you love them, and you're doing it so that you
30:57
Speaker 1: don't have to do it forever. You're not planning to
31:00
Speaker 1: be with them when they're forty five, sitting down next
31:03
Speaker 1: to them while they're eating their dinner.
31:04
Speaker 3: I mean, otherwise you've done something really wrong.
31:06
Speaker 1: And the fact is, with gentle parenting, that is what
31:10
Speaker 1: ends up happening. They have to be sitting next to
31:12
Speaker 1: them when they're older, because they don't because they have
31:14
Speaker 1: not become the kinds of adults who can then do
31:16
Speaker 1: it on their own. That's the right.
31:18
Speaker 2: And my kids are happiest when I put things on
31:22
Speaker 2: their plate. And so people are amazed at like I
31:25
Speaker 2: let my nine year old walk a mile away, and
31:28
Speaker 2: they what if something happens, I'm like, then he has
31:32
Speaker 2: to figure it out, and like it has something happened before? Yes,
31:35
Speaker 2: And he was really smart and he figured it out.
31:38
Speaker 2: And the pride that he felt in being able to
31:41
Speaker 2: walk to the local pizza shop and back, yes, was beyond.
31:47
Speaker 2: It was off the charts. And I'm welcoming my three
31:51
Speaker 2: children back from summer camp where they leave for a month. Yes,
31:55
Speaker 2: they come back so much healthier emotionally. I'm hosting French
32:00
Speaker 2: exchange student. Her mom just put her on a plane.
32:02
Speaker 2: She didn't know me from Adam and it was like
32:05
Speaker 2: random peachable that like her church, recommended this church and
32:08
Speaker 2: they knew me. It was like this very circuitous. And
32:11
Speaker 2: this girl is fifteen years old and she's incredible and
32:14
Speaker 2: it's because her trusted her to put her on a
32:17
Speaker 2: plane and spend a month in America. That's amazing.
32:20
Speaker 1: Yes, well, Jonathan Hite of course writes a lot about
32:23
Speaker 1: this cuddling of the American mind, and then also in
32:26
Speaker 1: the Anxious Generation, just talking about Look, the fact is
32:31
Speaker 1: parents have got it the wrong way round. They put
32:33
Speaker 1: their child on screens where they're meet seeing the most
32:37
Speaker 1: awful things. Is just all free for all, see all
32:40
Speaker 1: the beheadings and all the rapes that you like, and
32:42
Speaker 1: just spend hours and hours on there, killing your brain,
32:45
Speaker 1: not being able to think properly, et cetera.
32:47
Speaker 3: You just leave them to do it.
32:49
Speaker 1: Do that then, but you won't let them walk down
32:51
Speaker 1: the street to pick up an apple at the corner store.
32:54
Speaker 1: Like if you've got it the wrong way round, you
32:56
Speaker 1: need to let them out and be able to take
32:58
Speaker 1: control of their lives to some extent. Obviously you want
33:01
Speaker 1: some boundaries around that. But then you need to severely
33:04
Speaker 1: restrict their freedom online because otherwise you don't realize the
33:09
Speaker 1: dangers that you're exposing them to.
33:11
Speaker 2: And this is like, this is an inability. And I
33:13
Speaker 2: think a lot of people to make rational risk assessment
33:17
Speaker 2: because to me, like the thing that I am a
33:21
Speaker 2: psycho about is car sits. I'm very careful about car
33:25
Speaker 2: seats because and the two things I'm a psycho about
33:29
Speaker 2: are car seats and pools swimming anything with water, because
33:34
Speaker 2: if you look at the data on how kids die,
33:37
Speaker 2: that's the two ways outside of like homicide, I'm not
33:40
Speaker 2: and homicide is like ninety nine percent of the time
33:43
Speaker 2: a family member.
33:43
Speaker 1: It's yes, yes, I'm.
33:46
Speaker 2: Not worried I'm going to kill my child. I'm not
33:47
Speaker 2: Lindsey Clancy. So I'm looking at the data of like
33:51
Speaker 2: what what their actual risks are, and then I'm not.
33:55
Speaker 2: I'm not living my life in fear of the point
33:58
Speaker 2: zero zero zero zero zero zero zero one percent chance
34:02
Speaker 2: of them getting hit by a car on their safe
34:04
Speaker 2: walks at pizza shop or getting kidnapped by a stranger exactly.
34:09
Speaker 2: But I do have them in booster seats, even though
34:11
Speaker 2: they're twelve and thirteen years old. I spend a lot
34:16
Speaker 2: of money on really good swim lessons, so that I know,
34:18
Speaker 2: if I have three minutes and I if something happens,
34:22
Speaker 2: I've bought myself some time in a pool. Yes, I think,
34:27
Speaker 2: And I don't know what happened to our generation that
34:29
Speaker 2: they were not able to make those rational risk assessments.
34:31
Speaker 2: Perhaps we never were as a society able to do that.
34:34
Speaker 2: I don't know.
34:35
Speaker 1: No, no, no, no, we did. So it's interesting. So
34:37
Speaker 1: I took about that in the art speech that you reference.
34:40
Speaker 1: So when I'm talking about the idea that I say
34:42
Speaker 1: that we boomers and gen xers and older millennials are
34:45
Speaker 1: responsible for this situation with the younger generations because what
34:50
Speaker 1: we've done is we were brought up at a time
34:53
Speaker 1: when all our parents and grandparents and so on, they
34:56
Speaker 1: all had small, se conservative values. A lot of people
34:59
Speaker 1: went to church in those days, and the church was
35:01
Speaker 1: the anchor for those values. But then over time fewer
35:05
Speaker 1: and fewer people go to church. And then and I'm
35:09
Speaker 1: not saying yeah, I mean, I'm not a Christian, so
35:10
Speaker 1: I'm not even saying you have to go to church.
35:12
Speaker 1: But the fact is, there used to be a lot
35:14
Speaker 1: of people who went to church, right and so those
35:16
Speaker 1: people were anchoring all of us even if we.
35:18
Speaker 2: Didn't go to church, right, And.
35:20
Speaker 1: So the point is now so few people go to church,
35:23
Speaker 1: there's no anchor anymore.
35:25
Speaker 3: And we all just assumed that all of these values.
35:28
Speaker 1: Around personal responsibility, all the you know that I just said,
35:31
Speaker 1: were just normal, that everybody's just liked that. Naturally. We
35:34
Speaker 1: didn't realize that those values need to be instilled in
35:37
Speaker 1: a child for him to grow up with those values.
35:40
Speaker 1: So what's happened now is that people are growing up
35:42
Speaker 1: and there's no there's no core to grab onto to
35:45
Speaker 1: be able to to to well wrestle with and talk
35:49
Speaker 1: with and and you know, discuss with, because the cord
35:53
Speaker 1: just isn't there because nobody put it there when they
35:55
Speaker 1: were younger.
35:56
Speaker 2: So how do parents put that core in?
35:59
Speaker 3: Well, it's through the.
35:59
Speaker 1: Rich formation that we were just talking about, and that's
36:01
Speaker 1: through high expectations. So every time you just allow your
36:05
Speaker 1: child not to eat the food, every time you allow
36:08
Speaker 1: your child to throw the food across the room, you're
36:11
Speaker 1: saying to him, it's okay to be rude to mommy,
36:14
Speaker 1: it's okay not to appreciate the work that I've done
36:16
Speaker 1: in making that food for you, it's okay for you
36:18
Speaker 1: to be rude to me and to other people and
36:20
Speaker 1: to anyone who loves you, and anyone who's an authority,
36:23
Speaker 1: and so every time. So when you're a child, then
36:27
Speaker 1: grandma comes round and he just knocks over it her
36:30
Speaker 1: cup of tea on her and doesn't really care about it. Well,
36:33
Speaker 1: because you've told him to do that, right, And then
36:36
Speaker 1: he keeps doing it and keeps doing it if, on
36:37
Speaker 1: the other hand, you say no, we don't do that here,
36:40
Speaker 1: and he learns there's a naughty step for him to
36:43
Speaker 1: go on if necessary. But the fact is you are
36:46
Speaker 1: telling him no, and there are consequences.
36:49
Speaker 3: Well, he soon stops doing that.
36:50
Speaker 1: And when grandma comes around and has a cup of tea,
36:53
Speaker 1: if he did knock it over, he'd be horrified and say,
36:55
Speaker 1: oh my goodness, I'm so sorry, grandma. What can I
36:57
Speaker 1: do to sort that out for you? You know, like
37:00
Speaker 1: it's just ritual formation, and it's through all those tiny,
37:03
Speaker 1: tiny little behaviors all of the time that one needs
37:06
Speaker 1: to hold the line on. And the problem is is
37:08
Speaker 1: that we often don't hold the line because we're tired,
37:10
Speaker 1: because we're busy, because we're rushing because it's X, Y,
37:13
Speaker 1: and Z, and what you need to do is go now,
37:15
Speaker 1: wait a minute, I'm pausing for the moment new sheriff
37:18
Speaker 1: in town. I'm not having this right.
37:21
Speaker 2: I also find that, and this is one thing I
37:24
Speaker 2: love about homeschooling, is that I had just had more
37:26
Speaker 2: time with my children, having the time to dialogue with
37:29
Speaker 2: my children, and having lots of different ways to dialogue, books,
37:33
Speaker 2: TV shows, movies, and we talk about things that we've seen,
37:37
Speaker 2: but also current events. And so people are going to
37:41
Speaker 2: think I'm crazy, but all caveat the Jason Arday story
37:44
Speaker 2: story we talked about with our seven year old. We
37:47
Speaker 2: did not say what happened at the end, but we
37:49
Speaker 2: did say he got very upset and he was very embarrassed.
37:52
Speaker 2: That was the end of the story. So I just
37:53
Speaker 2: want to preface that I made it age appropriated. Didn't
37:56
Speaker 2: say yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, But she heard us
37:59
Speaker 2: talk and we and we explain to her, you know,
38:04
Speaker 2: he was put in this position. And having these conversations
38:08
Speaker 2: also instills our political beliefs, yes, but our political beliefs
38:12
Speaker 2: are like an umbrella of what we believe, as you
38:16
Speaker 2: know us. And so I think that parents need to
38:20
Speaker 2: you know, have these deep conversations with kids and expect
38:24
Speaker 2: more of them. And that doesn't mean you have to
38:26
Speaker 2: talk about suicide with your seven year old. I don't
38:27
Speaker 2: think you should do that, but.
38:29
Speaker 1: No, but if your child goes to school and he's seven,
38:33
Speaker 1: you might want to talk about the fact that sometimes
38:35
Speaker 1: at school you might find them saying that boys can
38:38
Speaker 1: become girls and girls can become boys. Because if you
38:40
Speaker 1: don't inoculate your child against this sort of thing, it
38:43
Speaker 1: will catch you unaware and then suddenly it's your child saying, actually,
38:46
Speaker 1: I'm going to change gender, and you're thinking, where did
38:48
Speaker 1: this come from? But you send him to school, and
38:50
Speaker 1: the problem is your child isn't going to tell you
38:53
Speaker 1: everything every idea that they're exposed to at school, and
38:56
Speaker 1: there will pressure will come not just from their peers,
38:59
Speaker 1: but from the teachers and from the look just the
39:01
Speaker 1: general culture. And so you have got to preempt wherever
39:05
Speaker 1: you can because otherwise your child will he will just
39:08
Speaker 1: be taken in because he won't know any different, right.
39:11
Speaker 2: Yea, yeah, I just keeping those open lines of communication
39:15
Speaker 2: are so so so important because it's incredible, like the
39:20
Speaker 2: conversations that you can have. We watched Gilmore Girls, which
39:24
Speaker 2: again not age appropriate. I don't know if I'd make
39:26
Speaker 2: that decision again, but it opened the door for so
39:30
Speaker 2: many conversations about relationships about how to behave as an
39:33
Speaker 2: adult because you know, the mother and that show, Laura,
39:36
Speaker 2: like Gilmore, did not behave like an adult. And yes,
39:39
Speaker 2: it gave them a way to critique how the how
39:43
Speaker 2: the adults were behaving and it makes them reflect on
39:47
Speaker 2: like that that that is not how I want to behave,
39:50
Speaker 2: that is not how I should be behaving, even again
39:53
Speaker 2: with my seven year old. I watched it with my
39:55
Speaker 2: older four children. Not so age appropriate, but watching these
39:59
Speaker 2: adults shows oh maybe minus all the sex.
40:03
Speaker 1: Yes, you have to choose carefully, but yeah, what you're
40:06
Speaker 1: saying is there's some mature content there that you can
40:08
Speaker 1: talk about and you can make it accessible for your child.
40:11
Speaker 3: And that's great.
40:12
Speaker 1: I mean, what I'd say to you is interesting because
40:14
Speaker 1: you described that as keeping the channels of communication open.
40:18
Speaker 1: You're doing more than just keeping the channels open, because
40:21
Speaker 1: I think when people hear that, they think, well, the
40:24
Speaker 1: channels of communication are open between me and my child.
40:26
Speaker 1: He can tell me whatever he wants. Your child will
40:29
Speaker 1: not tell you anything you have to actively promote discussions.
40:34
Speaker 1: So that's what you've done. You've had them watch a film,
40:36
Speaker 1: then you've taken the content and gone, let's talk about this. Right.
40:40
Speaker 1: If you don't do that, your child is not going
40:43
Speaker 1: to voluntarily come home and say, you know what, I
40:45
Speaker 1: need to tell you that you know, Danny is going.
40:49
Speaker 3: To be.
40:51
Speaker 1: Danielle exactly, and this is happening, isn't it weird? They're
40:55
Speaker 1: not going to say anything that you won't know about
40:57
Speaker 1: it until they themselves have decided that they're changing their agenda.
41:01
Speaker 1: So you have got to actively That's when you say
41:05
Speaker 1: about parenting, you are not just keeping channels of a
41:07
Speaker 1: communication open at all. You are actively parenting and strategizing
41:11
Speaker 1: and thinking shall I do this film? And then notice
41:14
Speaker 1: how you reflected on it and you said, I'm not
41:16
Speaker 1: sure I'd do it again because maybe bits of it
41:17
Speaker 1: were inappropriate. And then you're thinking, okay, so the next
41:20
Speaker 1: time when I choose a film, I'm gonna just think
41:22
Speaker 1: about the sex content of it and whatever. I don't know,
41:24
Speaker 1: I haven't actually seen the little girls. Whatever, the reason
41:26
Speaker 1: why it was that you were thinking was inappropriate. But
41:29
Speaker 1: the fact is you're a reflective mum. And of course
41:32
Speaker 1: being a parent is really hard, so you will make mistakes.
41:35
Speaker 1: But then what's good is that each time you learn
41:37
Speaker 1: from the mistake, you think, well, how do I do
41:38
Speaker 1: it differently? Because you are constantly strategizing. You're constantly thinking
41:42
Speaker 1: how can I get it better tomorrow, you know, And
41:45
Speaker 1: that is required as opposed to people just sort of
41:48
Speaker 1: going about through life and it just your children get
41:51
Speaker 1: brought up by accident, you know, like that, and you
41:54
Speaker 1: could get away with that to some extent in the
41:56
Speaker 1: nineteen eighties, you see, I think a lot of us
41:58
Speaker 1: were brought up by accident, you know, because the thing is,
42:02
Speaker 1: it takes a village to raise a child. The whole
42:04
Speaker 1: village thought in the same way. The whole village had
42:06
Speaker 1: the small sea conservative values, and so we were just
42:09
Speaker 1: immersed in that small sea conservatism, and we just grew
42:12
Speaker 1: up without really thinking about it, right, and we've assumed
42:15
Speaker 1: that we can do the same thing with our own children.
42:17
Speaker 3: Well we cannot, especially nowadays.
42:20
Speaker 1: You need to do it is you need to raise
42:21
Speaker 1: your child's if you're going to war, because if you
42:23
Speaker 1: don't go to war with that woke, crazy insanity that's
42:26
Speaker 1: going on in our schools and just generally in our culture,
42:30
Speaker 1: then your child is going to become somebody who you
42:32
Speaker 1: really look at and you know, you think, who on
42:34
Speaker 1: earth is this person at the end of it, and
42:36
Speaker 1: by then it'll be too late. So you just got
42:39
Speaker 1: to you got to bunk it down.
42:41
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, actively.
42:43
Speaker 1: Parent, Yeah exactly, exactly.
42:46
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for coming on. This was incredible.
42:48
Speaker 2: So your show is brand new. Where can people listen
42:51
Speaker 2: to it? On networks and you know, Spotify all those things.
42:55
Speaker 3: Yeah, strictly education.
42:57
Speaker 1: It's on YouTube, so you can watch it on YouTube
42:59
Speaker 1: and you can subscribe, but you can also hear it
43:01
Speaker 1: on the various different podcast places like Apple and Spotify
43:04
Speaker 1: and so on. But you know, I suppose i'd say
43:07
Speaker 1: for the first one or two whatever, come on to
43:10
Speaker 1: you too, watch it. You can see what I look like,
43:12
Speaker 1: who I am, etc. And then you can always listen
43:14
Speaker 1: to it just on the normal podcast places.
43:17
Speaker 2: I love it. Thank you so so much for coming on.
43:19
Speaker 2: Let's do this again.
43:20
Speaker 1: This was super Yes, well, and I would also say
43:23
Speaker 1: to all your audience that Mikayla is in London. It
43:26
Speaker 1: is worth seeing. We have over a thousand guests every
43:29
Speaker 1: year and if you want you're coming to London, just
43:31
Speaker 1: tell us the dates and advance.
43:32
Speaker 3: You can come and visit the school. You can bring
43:34
Speaker 3: your kids, you can sit and have lunch with our kids.
43:37
Speaker 1: You get taken on a tour with the kids, and honestly,
43:40
Speaker 1: for your homeschooling families, it'll give you a lot of
43:43
Speaker 1: ideas in terms of what we do in the school
43:45
Speaker 1: and so on. If you're coming to London. It's a
43:47
Speaker 1: great way to just add something extra to your holiday.
43:50
Speaker 2: I've just done that. Next time we go to London,
43:52
Speaker 2: I'm going to do it.
43:53
Speaker 1: Okay, great, love it great.
43:54
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for coming on, and I'll see
43:57
Speaker 2: you in London.
43:58
Speaker 1: Yes, all right, then here you two.
44:00
Speaker 2: Goodbye.
44:09
Speaker 7: Ricochet joined the conversation.