Latest / Iridescent: The Grief Podcast / The grief formula that answers the question of "how long will I feel like this?"
Transcript
- Courtney: This episode is going to be a little more, how do you say, personal than usual? Today's a lot of things. today is one year since my soul cat Armin died. You know how Facebook does that weird thing where it's like, Do you remember when? And I feel like it only does that to me at like incredibly troublesome and hurtful times. And it did that yesterday. it was like, Do you remember when? And it was the day Armin came home. He spent the night at the ER. and then I picked him up that next morning. And then we had a full day together, and then the day after that was, you know, the day. But Facebook wanted to remind me of that because I took some photos. I'm not sure if I posted them. Maybe it was my camera that reminded me. The camera app and the Facebook app are both diabolical with both of those, but I digress. So that was interesting to walk through in the coming days. And then Today has been interesting because it's just kind of compounding on other things. I have a lot of guilt over so full disclosure, I have always known it's July twenty second. Today that's the day I'm recording this, by the way, is July twenty-second, twenty twenty six. It's four o'clock. It would have been literally happening right now. Gosh. And I for a moment thought it was June. I've known it's July. I've written about it. I've talked about it. It's July. but somehow last month I kind of panicked and I was like, I have to I have to light a fire. I have to do something for him. I have to honor him on the twenty second of last month. So I have a lot of guilt this month, not prioritizing like I did earlier. I feel like that kind of happened for a reason that I got to have a day just about Armin last month. So last week, I've talked about this on my Instagram page a little bit, but last week my friend passed away. and not just like a regular friend. He was someone who was just so incredibly special and different and who Had a heart that I really looked up to, and he's someone I talked with grief work about. So he died last Thursday. So today, last week, was the last day I got to spend alive with him. which is weird to think about. So it would have been interesting trying to really hold space for just Armin today if I had not have had that day last month to really just be all about him. And not that grief has to be so secular and removed from coexisting events. You can grieve two people on the same day and you can grieve whatever you want, however you want, but I got to have a day just for Armin. And then today I get to hold space for both of those losses, which is I feel like is equally as important because my person, my friend who passed, really helped me change how I thought about Armin's passing. He was someone who worked in grief who had worked in it l almost longer than I'd been alive. I was taking him to a doctor's appointment and I was gonna bail because I was just it was like I believe it was like two or three days after I lost Armin. And I was gonna bail and I was like, you know what, I won't. And I kinda broke down on the car and I told him I was struggling. So he's like, How have you been? and he knew it was something I was already worried about. And He sat me down, looked me in the eyes. I'll never forget this. And he just like held space for me while I had this like accidental breakdown in the car on the way to like a pretty big surgery for him. He was getting surgery on his eyes. So like, not to make it about me, but I made it about me and kind of broke down. And he grabbed my hands, looked at me and said, Okay, well, how can I support you through this? What What can I do as someone who's well versed in human grief? How can I help you through this? And at the time I was really struggling with time. Time was really hard for me. So it was like, How long am I going to feel this incredibly bad? To which he responded with something I now tell clients all the time. I said, I knew him fifteen years. And he said, Okay. And he was like so matter-of fact about it too. It was so cool. And he was like, All right, well, we're gonna be in full-time grief for 15 months. and and I have been. Gosh. And this is all like hitting me in real time, y'all. I am like literally processing this with y'all. So thanks for holding space with me and thanks for going down this rabbit hole because it's I've today is grieving Armin for 12 months. And little did he know that like I still got three months to go. on my my grief prescription, you know, how do I navigate these next three months without the person that helped me through grief so much? And that's not to say that my friends and my family and my partner haven't been supportive in that grief journey because trust me, they have. But it was nice to be able to bounce things off of things that I was experienced with clients, things that were coming up in myself when talking with clients, when, you know, engaging online. It's something that I felt really lucky to be able to hold a container with him and be able to talk about that kind of stuff. So now I kind of have to process one year alone and also the beginning of one year without my friend and mentor. Which like even saying that out loud is wild. And it's only been a week. And I'm aware of that. And I'm lucky that he cultivated so much community around us that like when this event did happen, it's not one person experiencing, one or two, you know, coming together and the rest of them, the rest of community, the rest of the people you know, not really interacting when there's been so much interaction and checking in. And of course it's only been one week, but I am in a nonprofit, a grief-based nonprofit that my friend convinced me to join. He really wanted me on the board. I wanted to be on the board. So joining was a natural next step. So he really got me into that. And it's a it's a board focused on making sure no one grieves or dies alone and that caretakers are supported and valued. I mean, how incredible and how aligned is that. It was something that As soon as I told him I was going to work in grief work, and when I asked him to be my mentor, he was like, my gosh, you should join this nonprofit. You'd be perfect. Cause my journey through grief is something we always talked about when a couple of years ago when I first started doing astrology, it was very much like helping folks through hard times, helping them through difficult life transitions. And then I realized how much experience I had with not just astrology, but also having the ability to be a vet tech, to be in the room with over a hundred folks that they said goodbye, to be a celebrity pet sitter, to be able to be an animal advocate. I've done so much alongside animals and I wouldn't have it any other way. So when I just focused on this because I saw how it broke me down, he was like, hell yes, you are the perfect person for this. You're gonna rock this. And I feel like now I kinda have to prove him right. And it's not just proving him right, but proving to myself and really he believed in me so much that it made me believe in myself. I have, you know, your friends and your family say, like, you're so good at this thing, you know, clients even tell you sometimes you're so good at this thing. But when you have someone that is kind of above you and has been doing it so long and is really like been in the grief world longer than you've been alive, say to you, like, I see what you're doing. It's important. I'm here for it. Meant everything. And as a person, just to be able to see what people enjoy doing, see what they love, see what they're good at and be like, hell yes. And we're gonna do this and and bring it to the next level. This is what we're gonna do to help more people. This is what we're gonna do. And just always had ideas on how to expand. So I've been processing that in real time, holding space for Armin's Day. I am so glad in a weird way. I didn't realize that until I was talking through it that I celebrated his day a day early, kind of for a reason. So that's what today's been holding. And then I wanted to talk a little bit today too about hitting that year mark. I see so many people frustrated with the timeline piece. it's only natural to go, well, how long is this gonna last? How long am I gonna feel like this? And it's hard to answer that for people. Some folks they'll be better in two weeks. Some folks it takes adopting another animal. And some folks, at least in my case, And I see this with people too, is you gotta give it at least a year. I think Patrick's formula really works out well. the years you've known them times months equals Time spent in full time grief. And what I mean by time spent in full-time grief is you're not judging yourself, you're not having any expectations. When things come up, you have a lot of grace for yourself and you're like, okay, that's interesting. How do I support my body through this? How do I take time for this? It's even learning to pause more, learning that your capacity is different for 15 months. And it's been so true in this year without him, without Armin. I saw a huge difference between zero and three months. Huge difference. I feel like, and you might really resonate with this too, that zero to three is just everything so raw and fresh. There's a saying in shelter medicine that's the rule of three. You give a dog three days, three weeks and three months decompress. And that's how I felt like I what I needed to decompress actually. So that's really funny. Between three days I just kind of I feel like was a shell of a person. And then three weeks, things were changing. They were not good by any sense of the imagination, but they certainly weren't first three days bad. So getting to know yourself in a new way. And then at six months, it the distance that's created as a natural distance. I don't wanna say that in my line of grief work it's you're getting as far away from it as you can or you're you're pushing it down or you're running away. It's more of a a cognitive allowance for your new reality, the one that you had planned and like what kind of lives in your head is your own identity. So around six months was less panic at dinner and breakfast time. Less panic at nighttime, which was bringing him to bed. All of my routines that revolved around him. Around six months, I was getting a lot better. I also planned a really big trip to Colorado months before he ever passed. and I never recommend traveling with a senior pet or a super senior pet. at the time he was stable and he was fine, and also My wife is here, so it wasn't like he was getting left alone. but it was something we kinda talked about, we we were cognizant of. but he was stable, so things were fine. but it so happened that that was around, I wanna say like maybe like four to five months, maybe even three, I'd have to look. And that really catapulted me in a different direction was I got out of my environment, I got out of the place that was making me really sad, and I got to be around people that I love. A a trip to Colorado to see fabulous friends and sights and experiences and to go see an iron snails, and it was just everything I needed. I feel like there was a big shift after that 'cause it just like rattled my brain enough with travel and a different time zone, different experience and and habitat really moved my brain around. It got things going. I was able to think of things differently. then today at the one year mark, I feel like I would be experiencing today different had I not had another extreme loss. And by the way, this year has been nuts with loss. I lost Darmin in July of 2024. Two days later, one or two days later, I lost my maternal grandmother in the end of February, beginning of March. Yeah, was the beginning of beginning of March this year, 2026. I lost my paternal grandfather. And then a week ago I lost a friend. So four big losses in one year. so four people. That's right. I was trying to figure out how I got to four people. And I had a an old friend die too. So it's it's a lot in one year. And it's you don't have to quantify it by, it's been three months. I should feel better. It's six. I should. I'm just telling you this as a way to work with a a time frame. To hear me in real life as someone who is literally 365 days away from the day her cat crossed. My own timeline and what I've noticed and my expectations with that timeline. So getting to a year has been not what I expected. Way not what I expected, but also I'm really grateful for the ability to feel the way I've felt. And being able to not hide from my own emotions. I have a lot of friends and family who let me feel like me, who let me feel my own things. And even today I had I had someone asking me, how was your last week? And I was like, actually terrible. And I was able to tell them about what a terrible week I had without crying, without the floodgates open, but also without minimizing it. And like even They got emotional from the fact of what I'm going through, not because of the things I was saying. It was just like she was like, You're going through a lot. And I was like, Yeah, but I'm I'm lucky to be alive and I'm lucky to have support. So being able to speak your truth like that to someone is really it's a gift. And she even said, Thank you for not minimizing this. And, you know, because I I apologized and I said, Hey, sorry if I You know, made you uncomfortable with everything I said. I just want to be honest with how I'm feeling. and she was like, my gosh, no, I'd rather this than you just tell me you're okay. And I'd rather this than everything's fine. Don't worry about me. I've just had some stuff come up, but like, happy to be here. She's like, No, I need you to be real. I need you to be authentic. Like, please don't don't ever interact with me in that way. where you're giving me like a PR response. Like tell me how you actually are. So that meant a lot to hear that and to hear it reflected because I feel like so many of us need to do that. I'm someone who hasn't shied away from feeling my feelings at these grief gatherings that we've had for my friend. And some folks think that I'm quote unquote taking it really hard, which I am, but also I'm not giving myself any I'm not saying that I am being a certain way and I'm not telling myself how I'm experiencing it, I just am experiencing it. if I feel sad, I let myself feel sad. If I feel like I need to cry, I cry. If I need to excuse myself, I go. I'm just feeling things. There's nothing wrong with feeling things. It's sometimes the explosive reactions, But also, there's a time and place for explosive reactions. When my friend died last week, last Thursday, I was screaming in the car. That's a way to get it out. Obviously I wouldn't do that in front of people I love or people I don't even know. But in the car, man, I felt good to get that out. So if you're in the in the fresh in the freshness of loss, whether that's an animal companion, a friend, a love, an idea of yourself, know that things change and that your relationship to that picture of yourself also changes. I have so much compassion for the me that existed last year. I wish I could tell her everything I've learned this year. And how things will feel and and how things will move through me, through her, and to give insight that everything everything is going to teach you so much. So if you're wondering how to get through this if a loss just happened to you, especially with your animal companion, use that formula. Years times months equals time of full-time grief. There's that. I also have a free anticipatory grief guide. It's a believe it's a 14-page workbook now and it helps you detail everything. That way, minimal surprises when that day comes, hopefully. And that you're able to walk toward that day knowing what you want, your partner knows what you want, your family knows, and you don't have to panic about it. You don't have to get bad news like I got last year and didn't know what the hell I was gonna do next. I didn't know I didn't have a playlist ready. I talked about that in a previous episode, but not having a playlist, not having certain candles and herbs and teas, and just I wish I would have been more mindful, but I was just Fucking panicking. It's panicking. let me know how this resonates for you. Let me know how it's been in your first week of grief, your first two weeks, your first six months, your first 10 years. Talk to me about it. I'm someone who wants to know, who wants to listen. I've been documenting my own grief journey right now on my page, grieving out loud. And I'm just going through it with y'all. So we can process it together because my whole philosophy is we don't have to do this alone, we don't have to do this secluded, hidden away. It's best done in community. So If you're wondering how to get through the next 12 months, if you're wondering how to get through the next day, I know how that is, and hopefully that's this is helpful because this is everything I wish I was able to know is that it changes. Know that it changes. If you're struggling, you're not alone in your pain. And always know that around here's always someone here to listen. So take care of yourself. If you're listening to this near an anniversary or right after it happened, know that I'm thinking of you and that we'll talk soon. Bye.