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Dani Ales - El titulo importa · Comedy Central Stand-Up

• 0:02
  Comity Central Podcast. Thank you? Thank you? Thank you? Thank you?
• 0:15
  How well you are, yes, it doesn' t matter that I
• 0:21
  ' m not a faggot. Uh, no, I' m really not
• 0:24
  a faggot. So, I can' t use the word faggot. You
• 0:28
  know, society tells me I can' t use faggot is. No faggot,
• 0:30
  then you can' t. What choices. I got another one is
• 0:35
  gay, gay, but you faggot can' t. And I think this
• 0:37
  metaphorically is like some kind of society dick that I' m like you know
• 0:42
  and so I' m a faggot. Okay in that sense. Yeah,
• 0:48
  yeah, that' s right, I don' t know anymore I think
• 0:56
  homophobia is born out of insecurity. You know. That' s why heterosexuals
• 0:59
  don' t have a very clear maybe and that' s why we were
• 1:02
  kind of insecure. And when you talk to someone who' s gay,
• 1:03
  you clearly know he' s gay. You have to make it clear you
• 1:06
  ' re straight. Even if it doesn' t come stories, you know
• 1:07
  maybe it tells you how it is and you say here waiting for my girlfriend,
• 1:10
  who has tits, which is what I like, you know or I
• 1:12
  don' t tell you you know I come to hear directly like what he
• 1:17
  says here straight you know or you see out of insecurity. That' s
• 1:19
  the same insecurity. When you' re watching pordo, you don' t
• 1:21
  know it' s ever happened. Well to me I have a friend who
• 1:23
  for no and he has a friend who also porn that I am not and
• 1:27
  you are seeing doors alone at home i e, you can see it with
• 1:32
  volume and you know that I have the bell. When I lived at my
• 1:33
  parents' house, I called him a silent movie and you' re there.
• 1:36
  So calmly. No one' s gonna judge you and if suddenly a
• 1:38
  window comes out, then it was a huge dick. That' s a
• 1:42
  chicken, and you' re gonna get the plate I' m gonna support
• 1:42
  it. You know, and you can' t find the x to close
• 1:46
  the window. You' re just nervous and you say he' s gonna
• 1:49
  eat that dick, he' s gonna attack you. You know, it
• 1:49
  ' s okay. You know if it fills me in a window with a
• 1:53
  coffee machine, you wouldn' t be nervous. You know, a coffee
• 1:57
  maker closes it. You know I' m not gonna fuck her. You
• 1:59
  know in principle yes, yes no, because the last ones you have in
• 2:04
  prison. You know, I don' t know. I don' t
• 2:04
  know. You know, thank you, thank you. I don' t
• 2:08
  know. Now I think every straight guy has a crazy woman inside him.
• 2:19
  You know, everyone' s not me. You know, too, and
• 2:23
  the light may not come out. You never know, but maybe if it
• 2:27
  ' s when they tickle you, you can' t help it It can
• 2:31
  be a fucking green beret. You know, maybe it' s like you
• 2:36
  know, and then you try to hide. But you know you start thinking
• 2:39
  for yourself Clinnis Bull, Crisbook, Criensboo. But it' s too late.
• 2:43
  You know, you remember the dick to the coffee machine, that is.
• 2:45
  I mean no, since you brought up the subject of Malak Obama Ja
• 2:54
  knew how to put it in. I don' t know, you know.
• 3:00
  If you recall the polemic of Bama' s speech at Mandela' s
• 3:04
  funeral, which apparently there was a sign language translator who made up not a
• 3:07
  bit of what he was saying. If you would listen to what Obama said,
• 3:13
  you would also make up what you said about world peace, about respecting
• 3:16
  the other songs and you' re saying you' re making it up,
• 3:21
  you know, but the translator was also making up the gestures. No,
• 3:23
  and I like to think of the thousands of deaf- mute people that day
• 3:30
  freaked out like a bitch. I don' t understand anything you' re
• 3:34
  saying. I' m deaf and dumb. I can' t share it
• 3:38
  with anyone, you know so, but of course that' s what Mandela
• 3:50
  ' s funeral is all about. They' re broadcasting it all over the
• 3:53
  planet. You know what I mean. The last thing that goes through your
• 3:54
  head is that guy' s an impostor. It happens before you think of
• 4:00
  your own guilt, you know, you say I know this has to be
• 4:04
  that they' ve updated the tongue for the deaf. I haven' t
• 4:08
  dropped the update. I don' t know, you know I don'
• 4:14
  t know that I left it with my girlfriend. This is what I wanted
• 4:15
  to tell you and it' s not fucked up leaving you with an aunt
• 4:21
  is fucked up especially if you don' t speak the language. No yes,
• 4:24
  because I mean, to flirt. For example, I speak very bad
• 4:27
  English and then I find it easy to flirt with foreigners. You know,
• 4:30
  because in Spanish, you understand me very well, you understand each other perfectly,
• 4:34
  and then aunts realize that I' m an asshole, you know,
• 4:38
  but in English there' s a doubt, you know, and I hold
• 4:41
  on to that doubt. You know, yeah, but to make them worse,
• 4:44
  you know, and we' ve quit. And she' s with
• 4:46
  someone else, she' s with someone else, the typical guy that you
• 4:51
  like all the chicks, short bald guy with money, you know, I,
• 4:58
  on the other hand, feel a little out of place. I feel
• 4:59
  that lost, I mean, it' s unconvoked. You know, I
• 5:03
  try to do things that stimulate me. You know they fill me with some
• 5:05
  vitality. For example, this year I try to make the income declaration.
• 5:09
  I just can' t, I couldn' t. I haven' t
• 5:13
  taken it to the manager who' s keeping my accounts and she' s
• 5:15
  an aunt who' s not particularly hot. But, as you know,
• 5:19
  a lot of something that I have no idea about makes me very horny.
• 5:24
  Then he' s already explaining to me. You don' t have to
• 5:26
  make that bill, because such is that I' m thinking ra takes the
• 5:29
  I want to fuck myself I want to fuck. I get fucked all the
• 5:29
  time. And of course it' s funny, because just what she tells
• 5:32
  me she' s going to do to me doing forgives me I' m
• 5:45
  going to be feeling a little lost, I feel little out of place.
• 5:46
  I' m trying to try new things, crazy things, for example,
• 5:49
  in sex. I want to try new things in sex, for example practice
• 5:54
  it and I' ve oh, I' m trying to hook up,
• 6:00
  I' m trying legal. The other day I entered a friend of mine
• 6:00
  that these models, this is true, among these models That' s why
• 6:05
  she' s a friend of mine told me that she doesn' t say,
• 6:12
  of course you didn' t already know a little or I didn'
• 6:14
  t imagine it. It' s true you' re funny. You'
• 6:16
  re above your odds, but you don' t get to the level.
• 6:18
  You don' t get to the level, because this is like the law
• 6:20
  of supply and demand. You know and I have a lot of offer and
• 6:25
  while many then I demand some things that you didn' t understand, I
• 6:29
  understood, but I let be her friend, don' t leave her friend.
• 6:31
  He tells me but I don' t understand why you don' t
• 6:33
  sleep with me. He' s no longer my friend uncle, of course
• 6:39
  this, but to see it' s not something for the law of supply
• 6:41
  and demand, that is to say I' m funny or a funny guy.
• 6:45
  Such a lot of people come in to me to be their friend.
• 6:47
  You know, if I want to have a friend who' s as good
• 6:50
  as you are, but she' s so dumb, I put in some
• 6:56
  conditions, you know, and my condition is that I eat my dick and
• 7:06
  you really know, I don' t feel lost. I want to try
• 7:09
  new things. I say, for example, drugs. I' ve never
• 7:12
  drugged. I' m thirty- one. I' ve never drugged.
• 7:14
  You know, my touchy friends pick on me, but thirty- one,
• 7:15
  but you talk about where you' re going talking about you' re gonna
• 7:19
  ask for half a line because you have to drive. You know how you
• 7:21
  ' ll never be one of us. You know. It bothers me a
• 7:25
  lot there. You know, I want to try strong drugs. You know
• 7:27
  in the pharlopa, hallucinogens, Catholicism. You know things that really make me
• 7:32
  see life from a subjective point of view, totally contrary to reason. You
• 7:36
  know and the pharlopa and the hallucinogens. The truth is I' m a
• 7:42
  little bit, I' m saying I don' t know what to do
• 7:44
  with my life. Besides, my brother, my older brother, is a
• 7:48
  lawyer and my little brother is a doctor and I' m a comedian.
• 7:51
  You know, nothing happens, but I know that if one day, my
• 7:55
  three brothers, my two brothers and I are drowning and my mother is just
• 7:59
  saving two more, I' m good at carrying fins, I know that?
• 8:03
  I mean? I know? You know, finally, I can imagine
• 8:13
  him on the shore at Plancía, how funny, it was uh. But
• 8:18
  the truth is, he' s a doctor and he works in peace.
• 8:22
  My little brother works in peace and with this movement of Ebola, the Ebola
• 8:24
  crisis, they used peacekeepers to take him to Charles III because they had dismantled
• 8:28
  him. No, and I remember you telling me that the whole thing that
• 8:33
  there was widespread psychosis with the spread of Ebola, that it was unjustified,
• 8:37
  because it is very difficult to contagion, unless it is in a very advanced
• 8:41
  state, it is very difficult to contagion. So there was a psychosis and
• 8:43
  so this he told me by whatsapp. It took me three months to see
• 8:46
  him, but I mean with my mother I mean quarantine, that is,
• 8:52
  no, yes, because to me, that is Ebola to see I have
• 8:54
  nothing against ebolating, that is, I don' t think it' s
• 8:56
  cool as a disease and whether the only thing about dying is that for whatever
• 9:01
  it is, it' s not cool. You know yes, because they
• 9:05
  say you spend your life on a slide if it' s something that weighs
• 9:09
  me down a lot or because I say maybe they' re really cool moments
• 9:13
  in your life that you actually want to remember at the last minute. You
• 9:15
  know, and you say it' s cool, but the best part is
• 9:16
  shitty moments, you know the moment you know all the chicks who gave you
• 9:20
  pumpkins for the best you know 30 minutes of chicks saying no. No,
• 9:22
  no, no, no, not the ass no, that' s what
• 9:24
  I hate done, it' s not like that. I feel a little
• 9:35
  lost. A colleague tells me why not? Why not? You start running
• 9:37
  and I tell you, you know what to say, come on, now
• 9:43
  I' ll time you, so you don' t. I don'
• 9:46
  t understand the Runner phenomenon. You know, and I have time, so
• 9:50
  they say I do sports one day in my life, it' s me
• 9:54
  getting up without a schedule, no alarm, no nothing, one and a
• 10:00
  half, and I' m already waiting a little while and saving me breakfast,
• 10:01
  you know, I' m going straight. That' s just like,
• 10:03
  uh, and since I' ve slept a lot of sleep, I
• 10:05
  sleep so it' s already pulled, you know. I play a little
• 10:07
  play, watch a movie dinner, watch a couple of shows and then I
• 10:11
  go to bed and then there are days that I don' t do anything,
• 10:13
  that is to say that they' ve already hung up. He tells
• 10:16
  me to run and I say I don' t understand the fermen the ranners
• 10:20
  already I say I don' t understand the option of running there being the
• 10:24
  option of not doing it. You know I' m being followed by a
• 10:28
  lion. I get it there, you know, but if not, you
• 10:33
  know, no, I know, no, no, no. The other
• 10:33
  day I stopped a ranner to ask fire for what. That' s what
• 10:46
  he tells me. I don' t have me anymore, assholes do,
• 10:52
  I mean, my friends proposed to run the San Silvestre Vallecana. It'
• 10:54
  s a race that takes another place in Madrid. It is as spectacularly important
• 10:58
  the San Silvestre Cana Valley. I told them no. Before I finish the
• 11:01
  sentence, we even hear run and I don' t directly. You know
• 11:05
  I don' t. This ends badly, sure, you know, I
• 11:07
  ' ve never done porte. I' m very bad- mouthed, never
• 11:09
  ever. Once in third and he says no. Third grade and says I
• 11:15
  help I' m yellow white belt, you know no. In case of
• 11:18
  a fight, I know how to go down and watch a sport. I
• 11:22
  don' t understand the San Silvestres, I mean, and besides, how
• 11:26
  could that race succeed. I mean? I imagine the meeting where they decided
• 11:28
  on the race, a meeting where they decide crazy races, you know,
• 11:33
  and they say that happens to you, and you' re going to go
• 11:35
  into the sea like that. I have an idea, an idea I thought
• 11:39
  that the Teinta and one of December, since it makes a fucking temperature,
• 11:43
  you know, and that it' s so easy to move around Madrid,
• 11:46
  why don' t we cut the main streets. People came upstairs, yes,
• 11:50
  yes, and ended up in Cibeles. No, no, you didn
• 11:50
  ' t, it wasn' t the main square and he told us no
• 11:52
  no in Vallecas that there' s a slope, you know. I'
• 11:56
  ve been like that. Of course, of course how we' re going
• 11:58
  to do it, that is, we' re going to do it,
• 12:01
  we' re going to do it, I mean, I' d think
• 12:03
  of a career like that. It' s not going to win, it
• 12:05
  ' s impossible, I mean, it' s all going against her,
• 12:07
  or it' s impossible. Forty thousand runners had the last San Silves,
• 12:09
  this valley. What people do so they won' t be with their family
• 12:13
  in life. I mean, thank you, folks, thank you very much.