Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 352. When Is It Okay To Give a Second Chance?

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352. When Is It Okay To Give a Second Chance? · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:15
  Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful beans, and welcome to the episode of today.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: So in today's episode, we are talking all about second chances.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: So this is primarily when to know when you should
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: give somebody a second chance. And I'm not just talking
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: about romantically. I'm talking about in all scenarios. I'm talking about, yes, romantically,
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: but also with friends and also with relatives. And when
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: we talk about second chances, I want you to be
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: in a position where you feel like you're doing the
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: best thing for yourself number one, and also for the relationship.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: But also a second chance doesn't mean that if you
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: don't give that person a second chance that they're cut
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: out of your life. You can just be like, all right,
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: moving forward, the parameters of this relationship are going to
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: look different based on the history of it. So I'm
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: going to give you a whole bunch of things to consider,
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: a whole bunch of questions to ask you to know if.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: You should be giving this individual a second chance.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: I'm also going to be getting you to realize when
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: it is appropriate to you know, like to reverse the
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: tables around, because at the moment I'm talking about you
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: giving someone a second chance, what if you want a
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: second chance from somebody else, What are you doing in
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: order to get that second chance? Because a lot of
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: the time people can get quite proud, and you know,
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: we might apologize once, but then once we've done that
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: one apology, we're like, well, I've done what I can
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: do and if they don't want whatever, and we get
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: a bit proud, but it's like and then that person
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: maybe won't give you the second chance because they don't
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: really have faith in how you reacted to that situation.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: I'm going to really talk you through the best ways
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: to seek that second chance, so that way you've left
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: nothing on the table and you can feel really good
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: being like, well I tried my best after that thing
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: you know fell apart, or after that fight, or after
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: I fucked up. Okay, So that's what we're going to
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: be talking about today. Hopefully it's going to be helpful.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: I also did get a whole bunch of input from
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: you guys, which I love.
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: I always ask on my socials your.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: Opinion, so that was really cool. I'm going to be
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: sharing that as well.
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: Hello beautiful bands.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: As you guys have probably just heard and noticed with
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: the artwork that I have rebranded the podcast, so it's
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: still do your fucking mind.
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: It's d WYFM.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: It is the same, but I feel like it was
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: a long time coming that I needed to level up
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: my artwork, rebrand, coming into more of what my vibe,
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: energy and personality is now.
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: I will always love the old artwork.
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: I created that artwork through like a little a few
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: random apps. It's a selfie that I took and then
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: I put it to these weird apps that turned photos
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: into cartoons and then I slapped it together on canvas
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: and wohila, we created or I created this artwork in
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: roughly thirty minutes, so I will always love it forever.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: I'm going to print it and frame it. But it
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: was time to refresh. So I'm really excited. This is
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: kind of like I think of the spoken to you
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: guys that this year, I really wanted to like rebrand
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: my life in many areas, slowly doing that with my fashion.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: But I thought the podcast is a huge one and
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: this is very much my energy and I'm loving the artwork.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: And I got this awesome music producer to put together
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: Pat is his name, to put together the music for
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: the podcast. It's just very aligned with who I am.
• 3:48
  Speaker 3: So I'm so, so so so happy.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: The only thing that is going to change moving forward
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: for the podcast is I'm going to start to include
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: mini episodes halfway through the week one ex. So you
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: still get the two episodes, but we're going to get
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: another episode halfway through the week, and that is going to.
• 4:05
  Speaker 3: Be called our focus episodes. And these focus episodes will
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: basically be pulling a segment between five to ten minutes
• 4:13
  Speaker 3: from an episode somewhere in the back catalog. So this
• 4:16
  Speaker 3: serves to, you know, remind you of the concept that
• 4:18
  Speaker 3: I've spoken about before, touch on you know, just key points,
• 4:21
  Speaker 3: and I think it's important to remind you guys off.
• 4:23
  Speaker 3: But then it also serves for you to be like, oh, yeah,
• 4:25
  Speaker 3: I might actually want to revisit that entire podcast episode.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: And a lot of people are always asking, oh, where's
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: that time where you spoke about this or spoke about that.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: I think it will also help remind people of other
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: things that happened to the back catalog to get them
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: being like that was the episode.
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: Now I can just listen to the whole thing and
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: it gives you a bit of.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: A taster for these focus moments that have occurred throughout
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: the last I mean, we've got three hundred and fifty episodes,
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: so even if you just started listening to the podcast,
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: to get through three hundred and fifty episodes is going
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: to take you for ever. So I think this is
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: a really good way of me highlighting some with my
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: favorite moments. So that way you guys can choose if
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: you want to revisit those episodes or not. And to
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: celebrate this week, we're going to be doing a focus
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: episode every single day that a main episode is not
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: coming out, So you got your main episode Monday Thursday,
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: but then Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday you get a
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: focused episode as well, just to get into the swing
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: of things, into the swing of the rebrand. I'm so excited.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: I'm so happy about it. I hope you guys also
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: like it. You guys have come on the journey with me,
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: so I really hope that you like where the new
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: artwork has headed.
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: Because I'm parked and it's actually like a.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: Full on photo of me instead of being like a
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: cartoon version of me. So that is all, Let's get
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: straight into the actual episode of Today Rebranded and refreshed
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: two point zero DYFM elect Before all of that, I'm
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: going to do a quick little brain fact on something
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: that I just think is pretty fucking cool that we
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: can do medically, and that is medically induced comas. I
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: think it's wild that we can induce someone into a
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: coma for a whole bunch of reasons. And it's just
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: going to be a really I'm going to explain how
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: this medically induced coma differs from coma from like a
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: brain injury or whatever.
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: Okay, so let's get straight into it.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: So why would you put someone into a medically induced coma.
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: So there's a few reasons why you would do it.
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: One of the reasons and one of the main reasons
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: is after a traumatic brain injury. And this is done
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: to alleviate swelling within the brain. So it allows the
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: breadth the brain to rest, and you're doing that by
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: limiting activity. And when you limit this activity, everything slows down,
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: everything comes down, and then you also reduce this intercranial pressure.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: When there's too much activity in the brain plus injury
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: that is causing swelling, this pressure can get too much
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: and then cause permanent brain damage. And the reason for
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: that is because our head is encased in a skull. Okay,
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: so when your head is in a skull, which in
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: every single situation in humanity, it is there's only so
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: much pressure that can happen in the brain without the
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: pressure then going inwards onto the brain and causing nocrosis
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: cell death. Okay, that is why the only time where
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: so there's this thing called hydrocephalus that babies can be
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: born with where there's many too much fluid in the
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: baby's head and because the skull isn't joined. You notice
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: that babies have like a soft spot on top of
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: their head where their skull isn't joined, because the skull.
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: Has to be flexible in order to exit the birth canal.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: So because the skull isn't joined, the baby's head can
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: actually swell up significantly and not cause the baby brain damage,
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: whereas if hydrocephalos happened in an adult where the skull
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: has fused, you would cause permanent brain damage in the adult.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: So there's just a fun side fact. Now, another reason
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: why you would induce someone into a coma is in
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: something called status, which is basically when you have a
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: lot of seizures that are unrelenting back to back where
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: you're not getting recovery period in between, or when you're
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: having a seizure that lasts for a significant amount of time,
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: like longer than five minutes, or two seizures that are
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: around the five minute marks that are too close together
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: without the individual returning to like a normal level of
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: consciousness in between. So you might want to stop these
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: seizures altogether because seizures can obviously cause damage within the brain.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: So you stop the seizures altogether, you allow it's almost
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: like reboot, You allow everything to reset. Seizures cannot occur
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: when you're in this induced coma, and then you slowly
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: taper the drug off and the person comes to in,
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: you know, without having seizures. Then another time could be
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: potentially during a drug overdose. So there's many reasons, well
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: maybe not men, but there's a couple of reasons why
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: you would put someone into a medically induced coma. The
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: aim here is ultimately to protect the brain's metabolic rate
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: and reduce into cranial hypertension.
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: That is why they do it. Now how is it done.
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: So it is done with a medication called a barbiturate.
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: Now, I've spoken about barbiturates before a couple of times.
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: I've done brain packs on it.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: I've spoken about it in the context of other medications
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: that people could take, And in this case they're using
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: barbiturates called thiopental or penta bube and it's given through
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: an IV drip. Now, this is very very carefully monitored
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: by absolute experts and it is finally adjusted to keep
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: the desired depth of coma okay, so it's all under control,
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: and it basically slows everything down and it puts the
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: individual in an unconscious state.
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: And during all of this, the patient's monitored by an EEG.
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: They're looking at brain activity.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: They're also looking at vital signs such as heart rate,
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: blood pressure, oxygen. Because barbs, barbiturates, they are a central
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: nervous system depressant, so you've got to make sure that
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: all their virtals are still, you know, functioning properly. And
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: if they're not, then you lift the amount of drugs
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: that you're giving. You don't give too much, okay. Sometimes
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: patients will need to be put on mechanical ventilation to
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: actually support their breathing because it's such a strong drug.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: Now I'm going to go into barbiturates in a second
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: in a bit more detail, but in a medically induced coma,
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: the patient has no consciousness. Okay, they're not aware of
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: the surroundings at all. The only time the patient might
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: be aware of their surroundings. You might hear people that
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: they were put in an induced coma, but then they
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: claim that they've got some bits of memory here and there.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: That might be due to the fact that maybe the
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: amount of drug that was being administered wasn't as intense
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: throughout the whole time. When someone is in a coma
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: that's not medically induced, you often hear them say, I
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: remember hearing everything that was going down in the room.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: It's very different kind of coma because it's not caused
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: by a massive sedation or a massive depression of the
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: central nervous system via a drug opening up the channels
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: to allow GABBA, the inhibitory neurotransmitter to kind of flush
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: through the whole system. Now, they don't feel any pain,
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: they don't feel any discomfort because the brain's ability to
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: perceive sensory information has been completely or almost completely suppressed.
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: That is why you're not really unlike another, like a
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: different kind of coma, but medically injuced coma, you're not
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: really hearing what people are saying. You're not forming memories,
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: and you're also not really aware of the passage of time. Okay,
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: so you're not forming memories, you don't know the passage
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: of time. When someone comes out of a medically induced coma,
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: they don't really know what occurred during that time, and
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: they don't know how much time has passed.
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: It's kind of like in an aesthetic.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: When you put under general anesthetic, it kind of knocks
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: out your understanding of a passage of time. Versus when
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: we sleep, we are aware of the passage of time.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: You wake up from sleep knowing that time has passed.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: You're not accurate on how much time, but you'd know
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: roughly if it's been a few hours versus a couple
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: of minutes, Versus when you're under general. Many people wake
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: up being like, when's the operation happening, not realizing that
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: they've just been under for hours.
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: Now, like I said, I've covered bubs before, but basically
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: they are a class of sedative hypnotic medications and they
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: used to do all sorts of things treat seizures, treat anxiety.
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: They're one of the og anxiety meds and they're rarely, rarely, rarely,
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: rarely rarely going to be prescribed now insomnia and also,
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: like I said, anesthesia. So it acts by keeping the
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: Gabba channel in an open state.
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: So the channel that allows gabba.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: The inhibitory in you're a transferer, it stays open, so
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: you're allowing more and more and more of this inhibition,
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: which suppresses activity within the central nervous system. So it's
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: got really large depressive effects as in depressing activity. And
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: it also has something called a no sealing effect, so
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: no cealing effect. A lot of drugs, especially drugs that
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: are considered relatively safe, have something called a sealing effect
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: that no matter if you keep increasing the dose, there's
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: only so much power or efficacy that that drug has.
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: Over the individual.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: When a drug is considered to be dangerous, it's because
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: it's either got a really high ceiling or no sealing
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: at all. And that means that the more of the
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: drug you take, the more of the action that's going
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: to occur within the body. Okay, so there's going to
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: be certain drugs that you take that you can take's,
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: you could take heaps and heaps and his.
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: But it's only going to be capped at a certain amount.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: And like a good that's why, for example, things like
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: selective serotonin reuptake inhibit as, they're all pretty safe. Like
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: a lot of these drugs kind of have like an
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: ultimate sealing effect. Barbiturates that is why they're used for
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: a medically induced coma because you can just keep you
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: can keep increasing this level of depression to the point
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: where the person is losing complete levels of consciousness, and
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: if given in a really high dose in one go,
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: it can kill the individual. That's why a lot of
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: people have died from a barbiturate overdose because they've taken
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: barbiturates and then they've also gone and had a whole
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: bunch of alcohol, which is also a central nervous system depressant.
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: So then you've done too much depressive activity.
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: You stop that.
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: There's no blood pressure, you're not breathing, your heart's not
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: pumping properly. You die, You're done, You're finished, okay. So
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: there's also no antidote or effective antagonist that reverses the
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: depressive properties of barbiturates, so unlike with other drugs such
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: as like an opioid, for example, which can be reversed.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: In other words, you can take an opioid, you can
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: be getting all these effects, and then you can actually
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: reverse the effects of opioid with another drug, which is
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: an antagonist which basically knocks the opioid off that receptor
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: or competes with the opod at the binding side of
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: that receptor, which for example, in opioid's case it'snoloxone.
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: We don't have that with barbiturates.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: So given that there's no antagonists and there's no sealing effect,
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: it is a very dangerous drug when not used properly
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: or not used in a medical profession.
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: In the case of the.
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: Medically induced coma, the way to get the person out
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: of the coma is you start tapering back on the drug.
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: So you taper them off the drug.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: You don't stop it immediately, You just start lifting it,
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: lifting it to a milder and milder and milder dose. Okay,
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: So what's happening here is that the body takes the
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: barbiturate and it starts to metabolize it slowly. It starts
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: to wear off eventually, but if you take too much
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: in one go, that is not reversible. The only way
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: to reverse it, quote unquote, we're not even reverse. The
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: only way to get over it is through time and
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: through supporting the individual while they're going through this. You know,
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: dose of a barbiturate, So that is a medically induced coma.
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: It is literally a barbiturate which people have taken.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: On their own to treat other medical conditions as well.
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: Pretty hectic if you ask me.
• 15:36
  Speaker 4: But interesting.
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: Okay, Now let's get into second chances and when to
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: stop giving people and situations so many chances. So I
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: asked on my Instagram when is it okay to give
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: somebody a second chance? And these are just some of
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: the answers that people answered. There were some great answers,
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: by the way, but just to give you an idea
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: of what you guys in general as a population say,
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: this is what we've got when the other parties show
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: signs of change beyond words, when a person is intentional
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: with an apology and shows with actions that they are changing,
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: If the person realizes their actions and learns or grows
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: from their mistake, if you have both grown into different people.
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: It depends on what they did. Otherwise, life is too
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: short for soggy lemons.
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: Fucking amen.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: When you know that they are learning and trying with
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: a genuine, heartfelt apology followed by action.
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: Someone said, We're.
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: A human, we make mistakes. It is what you do
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: with the second chance that matters. I love that when
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: you make peace with yourself about who this second chance
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: will benefit. Fucking amazing. Someone said always as long as
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: they have accepted truly having made a mistake and their
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: behavior aligns, it depends. We all make poor decisions, but
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: only some people learn when you know in your gut
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: that this person is truly sorry or.
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: Did not have bad intentions.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: When one gets a wake up call and realizes what
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: they have lost and wants the second chance to make
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: it right, if they have gone through a big life change,
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: when they have not fucked up like that before in
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: the past, so this is like the first instance that
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: they've fucked up, or when they have approached you to
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: discuss and negotiate.
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: Never when you are handing it out.
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: I love that this person said that, never when you're
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: handing it out, because that's kind of the basis of
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: this whole episode. So very aligned with what I'm talking about.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: But basically, we have a common theme here. If you
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: think about everything that was just said there, there is
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: a theme, okay, and that theme is that we only
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: want to be giving second chances when the other person
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: is aware of what has gone down and they are
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: willing to do the work to repair. Okay, but the
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: problem is that consciously we're all aware of that, right.
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: I'm sure that most of you have listened to what
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: I just said, nodding along, being like, yep, true, true, true.
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: One hundred percent.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: If that happened to me, yep, I would do the same.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: But and when I say we, I'm I'm also in this.
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: I've done this many times in my past.
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: We are so.
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: Good at dishing out second chances left right and center,
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: like as if it's a fucking free for all, when
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: the other person has no intention of changing or no
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: intention of apologizing, or they don't feel bad, they have
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: no remorse.
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: So let's take an orbital ghoster for example.
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: So they swan back into your life, they ghost you, right,
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: they're the people that ghost you.
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: Come back, Hey, what are you up? What's doing? They
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: slide into your dms.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: And then they disappear, and then they come back, and
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: they disappear and come back. That's an orbital ghost, like
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: they're orbiting round and round. I've got a whole podcast
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: on that. I'm ghosting I did that in one of
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: my first like I think it was the first year
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: of pot casting, so go check it out. But an
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: orbital ghost, so they come flying back into your life.
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: They're not asking for a second chance. They're not saying,
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: oh my god, I fucked up, Oh my god. This
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: is that they're just like testing the water. They're casting
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: the net white.
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: And saying seeing what what they get.
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: So they're not taking accountability. They're not showing you how
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: they're gonna change. They're just seeing if you're gonna bite
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: the bait, okay, And so often you'll be like, oh,
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: well they're back, I'm gonna give them a second chance.
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: They're not asking for a second chance. So you're literally
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: just giving somebody a second chance for what it's not
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: like this person. Okay.
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: Sometimes yes, sometimes they light to your face and say
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: I'm never going to do that again.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: But a lot of the time, this asshole will come
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: back into your life right not asking for forgiveness.
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: Not saying I know that I did wrong in all
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: these things.
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: They're just back. But you're just you find that they're
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: too exciting. They're really fun. Yes it was toxic, but
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: you enjoyed their company. So you say, you convince yourself
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: saying I'm going to give them another chance. Everyone as
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: a chance, But they're not apologizing, they're not trying to repair.
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: They're just back saying I'm back and I'm going to
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: give you more of the same shit. But here I am,
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: and you're like, I'll give you a second chance, a
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: second chance at the same shit. I just don't think
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: it makes sense to ever give a second chance to
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: somebody when it's the same shit, because then is that
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: even a second chance or is that just you like
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: putting yourself in the firing line, you know, being a
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: clown and just being a victim to what however they
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: want to behave.
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: Okay, another way that you.
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: Want to look at it is a second chance does
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: not have to be a fight where someone's crawling back
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: to you, or where you need to see a crazy apology,
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: or where you know, unless they're begging for it back.
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: You've got to look at it in a way of
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: am I going to accept this or not? And if
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: the answer is no, I'm not going to accept this again,
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: then you have to ask yourself, is this person showing
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: me that I don't need to accept it anymore?
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: Because they're not going to repeat that behavior again.
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: But it's all well and good to be like, oh
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: my god, they fucked me over, never again, never again.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: And then they come, you know, back into your life
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: and you say, oh, okay, fine, I'll give them one
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: more chance when they've given you no reason that they're
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: going to change.
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: Okay. So I think we can all.
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: Agree that in order to give somebody a second chance,
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: we need to see intention to repair on that person's end.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: Otherwise you are wasting your time. You are literally kidding yourself.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: You're in a pool of delusion. So let's go through
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: a bunch of things. Let's talk about a bunch of things.
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: Number one, and.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: This is reiteration of what I just said, But basically,
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: it's okay to give a second chance when somebody is
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: truly trying to rectify the problem. So never give someone
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: a second chance when they're not asking for it, when
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: they're not trying to earn it. That is a really
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: good way of making yourself feel worthless.
• 21:49
  Speaker 2: It is you literally begging, begging for someone's attention or energy.
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: And one of the best ways to really ensure that
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: the power dynamic and the power stays in the other
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: person's hand, and for you to feel like your self
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: worth lives in the other person's hand is by continuously
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: giving somebody another chance after chance after chance after chance,
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: letting that asshole come back into your life again.
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: And again and again without them trying to repair.
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: Because then what happens with that is this person's like, Wow,
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: I can pretty much act up and behave any way
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: that I want to, and they're always going to take
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: me back. So that must mean that they need me.
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: That must mean that I can get away with a lot.
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: That must mean that I have the power. Now, if
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: you're someone with who's already established that they're an asshole
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: by treating your shit and walking away and then coming
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: back and you taking them back, so you've already established
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: that they don't have your best interest at heart. If
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: you then take them back again, I can guarantee you
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: they are going to take advantage of you, an advantage
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: of the situation. As far as the power dynamic is concerned,
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: when someone with a big ego sees that they can
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: have power over you, they will leap at the opportunity leap,
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: and that will then play out by.
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: Continuously manipulating you into the future.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: Okay, by ghosting you again and coming back and ghosting you,
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: that's that's a control mechanism.
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: So if you are giving someone a second chance where
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: they've never actually asked for a second chance, they've never
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: said I'm going to repair my behavior, you need to take.
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: A big, hard look at yourself in the mirror.
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: The next thing you want to ask yourself is is
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: this a clash of morals that can't be changed.
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: Sometimes someone's going to hurt.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: Your feelings and they're going to be like, oh, sorry,
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: you're hurt, but.
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: You know I don't hurt you. You know, sometimes it's
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: not about you know. Sometimes we think, okay, we have
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: to they have to apologize. They have to.
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: You know, if I get an apology from them, if
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: it's heartfelt, then I'll give them a second chance. But
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: sometimes you just don't align as people. Sometimes they think
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: that their behavior was perfectly fine, and for you, it's.
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: Worst case scenario. It's so hurtful. So you're waiting for
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: the apology. You're waiting for it because you want to
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: give them the second chance. But sometimes you've got to
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: be really straight up with yourself and.
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: Say, if this person doesn't see that morally, they've done
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: something wrong, and it's fine that sometimes it requires you
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: to nudge them to see it. But if they're like, oh, sorry,
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: you're hurt, instead of saying, wow, I really acknowledge how
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: my behavior could have caused that, and.
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: I regret that I did that.
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: If they're not saying that, then it means that they
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: don't see that what they did is wrong. And we're
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: not here to demonize people not saying it, because we
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: all look at.
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: Things from different perspectives.
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: But then you have to ask yourself, does this mean
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: that I should be giving them a second chance then,
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: because maybe this is an opportunity for me to either
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: change the dynamics of the relationship, will walk away all together,
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: and I'm going to talk about changing the dynamics of
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: a relationship in a second. The next thing that you
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: have to ask yourself is was the bad thing that
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: was done?
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: A deal breakup?
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: Because I think sometimes you'll see relationships where people will
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: argue over something and pride gets in the way, and
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: then the other person is like, all right, well, I
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: apologize for what I did.
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: Let's try and repair, let's try and mend.
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: But someone's holding onto it like a dog with a bone,
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: not letting it go, not letting it go, being too proud,
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: and you're almost wanting this person to grovel because it
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: gives you a sense of power in that scenario, so
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: this could be you. You might be the person that
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: does this because it gives you a sense of power.
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: But then this other person is kind of left feeling
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: like I'm kind of not in control right now. I'll
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: give you an example of this in a couple. Sometimes
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: there'll be things that cause somebody to have an affair, okay,
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: and there'll be many reasons why someone has an affair.
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: But let's say you're in a relationship and your partner
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: has had an affair.
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: Now they're trying to repair. You love them dearly, you
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: really want this to work. They love you dearly. They
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: might have realized, wow, I really fucked up. Wow I've
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: potentially losing the love of my life. Come to my senses,
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: this is not what I want to do. And they're
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: taking all the steps to repair. Okay, So you're allowing
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: them back into your life. They're showing you everything that
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: they're doing to repair, but you're still thinking, I'm not
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: going to fully forgive them or fully let them back
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: into my life. I'm going to take a really long
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: time to decide when I'm going to give them a
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: second chance. But then it comes to a point where
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: you like you're holding it above their head all the time,
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: constantly holding above their head, being like, I don't know
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: if I can ever get over it. I don't know
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: if I can ever get over it. Then you've got
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: to ask yourself, like, am I a cunt? Or do
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: I just not know what I want? Because it's either
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: a deal breaker or it's not. If you say cheating
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: is a deal breaker, then don't string this person along
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: when they're feeling so horrible and want back in your life.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: You just have to say, listen, I don't hate you anymore,
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: but it's a deal breaker.
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: I can't be with you again.
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: Okay, I don't think it's fair for someone to and look,
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: I do not agree with people cheating and having affairs,
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: But what I do stand for is couples that come
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: together to repair properly.
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: Otherwise don't bother.
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: So when you're giving someone a second chance, do not
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: use it as a mechanism to string them along and
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: make them suffer even more when really you're never going
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: to forgive them, because that's not fair. You're hurting them,
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: and you're wasting your own time, and ultimately you're hurting
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: yourself because you're not actually in a position of power,
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: you're just manipulating. So in that scenario, you have to
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: ask yourself.
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: Is this actually a deal breaker?
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: Because if it's a deal breaker and I'm just stringing
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: them along so I can get my revenge, revenge is
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: very sweet in the moment, but it erodes you, erods you,
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: erods you, and it turns you into a negative, pessimistic person,
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: and it is not worth it. The initial high of
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: the revenge when you're first getting it is not worth
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: the long term sacrifices that you have to make in
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: your mood, in how you perceive things, in how negative
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: you become.
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: It's not worth it. It's not worth it. Tempting, but not
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: worth it. So ask yourself, is it a fucking deal? Breakup?
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: Because if it's beyond your moral scope, then I think
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: that you need to learn to let it go for
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: this for your sake, which leads me to my next
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: question is are you withholding a second chance as a
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: form of punishment or as a way of protecting yourself?
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: Because it should only ever be about protecting yourself. If
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: you look at second chances as what am I allowing
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: into my life, then you're going to have a much
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: clearer understanding, a much clearer understanding of what it is
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: that you want and what it is that.
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: You don't want.
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: Sometimes someone will hurt you and you are so hell
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: bent on punishing that individual that you're going to, you know,
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: withhold this and withhold that, and be shitty at them.
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: Then you know, I don't know if I'm gonna forgive
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: you or give you that.
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: Second chance or I don't know, and then you end
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: up creating this really unhealthy relationship when in reality you're like,
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: this person does want to repair. I could look past this,
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: I could fully forgive them and we could have something great.
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: But I'm trying to punish them, and I'm so hell
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: bent on punishing them. It should never be about punishment.
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: It should be about protecting your space, protecting who you are,
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: which means that you could look at someone that you
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: love and say, you know what, I love you, I
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: forgive you, but I can't give you a second chance
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: because I just even though I forgive you, I think
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: that morally we're not the same, and I feel that
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: I need to align with someone morally on this thing,
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: or I feel like you are gonna cheat on me again,
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: or I feel like you have not been able to
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: see it my perspective. And it's not about punishing you,
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: but it's about do I want to put up with
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: this in the future, And if I can't trust that
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: I'm making the right decision by taking you back, I
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: don't want to string you along.
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: I need to do what's right for me. It should
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: always be.
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: About protecting yourself, never about punishing the other individual. It
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: is not your job to punish adults. It is your
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: job to teach people how to treat you, and the
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: ones that can't treat you the way you want to
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: be treated.
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: You decide what to do about it. Ideally step away
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: or create some distance. That is your job.
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: You can only control yourself and how much you have
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: to interact with other people.
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: That's it.
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: So I don't think it's ever you know, the wisest
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: idea to fixate, to fixate your intentions on punishing somebody else.
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: So don't bother.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: Now, what if you have doubts about this person's apology,
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: Like what if you really want to forgive that friend
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: or relative, but you're really unsure, So.
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: Let's first talk about romantically.
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: For me, romantically, it's all or nothing because you can't
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: date someone and keep them at arm's length. I think
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: when it comes to a romantic relationship, if you don't
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: trust them, I don't.
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: Think it's worth it. It's very unhealthy.
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: Okay, I think that when it comes to family and friends,
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: if you want to give them the second chance, but
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: you're like, I really want them in my life. They're
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: a great person, but I know they're just going to
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: do this again. They're just going to hurt me again.
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: They're just going to do this again. Then what you
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: can do in this scenario, because you're not in an
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: intimate romantic relationship with them, you can say, well, I
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: can still have them in my life, but I can
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: now keep them at arm's length. So, for example, let's
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: say that your sister never keeps a secret. You tell
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: her a secret because she's your sister and you love her,
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: and she fucking always tells other people. She goes and
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: tells your parents, she goes and tells your friend, she
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: gets involved, she gets involved where she doesn't need to be,
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: and it really hurts you. So then she apologizes and
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: you forgive her, and then you.
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: Tell her something else and she goes and fucking does
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: it again.
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: So in this scenario, you're not cutting your sister out
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: of your life. You're just thinking, I need to work
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: with what I know here. I know that she's a
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: fucking gossip and she's not going to keep my secrets,
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: you know, in a way that I think is respectful.
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: She's going to tell other people.
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: So what I have to do in the future is,
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: no matter how much I love you, no matter how
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: much I care about you, I'm only going to tell
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: you something if I don't mind other people knowing, or
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: if I don't mind my parents knowing or whatever. But
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: if it's a secret and you've proven to me that
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: you can't keep a secret, you've uninvited yourself from that opportunity.
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: So that's what I mean about managing certain relationships and
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: pushing them away a little bit. You can still have
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: a great relationship with people, but just not tell them
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: your secrets.
• 31:43
  Speaker 2: I've got people in my I like.
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: That I love, but I would absolutely not tell a
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: secret to because I can't trust them. As far as
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: keeping secrets as far as I can throw them. They're
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: great people, but they can't fucking keep their mouth shut.
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: So I'm like, it doesn't I don't have to cut
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: you out of my life. I'm just not going to
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: tell you those really intimate private things that I don't
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: want any people knowing about me.
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: Simple, very simple. I think we feel like we owe
• 32:05
  Speaker 2: or because it's your your sibling or your.
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: You know, you've known this person forever that you have
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: to tell No, you don't, No, you don't. Okay, it's
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: your secret. You can keep it to yourself. It's your
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: You choose the level of interaction you have with your
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: friends and with your family.
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: Now, when it.
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: Comes to romantic I would just I would never go
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: into a relationship with trust issues.
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: Okay. Ever, even if.
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: That person is like I will do anything, anything at
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: all to regain your trust. If you don't trust them,
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: even if you feel that it's unfair but you can't
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: trust them, it's not worth it. It's not worth it
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: for you, it's not worth it for the other person.
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: Being in a relationship where you don't trust that person
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: is horrible.
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: And even if you've tried and tried and tried and
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: you're like, maybe I'll rebuild that trust again, It's not
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: gonna happen. Nothing feels better. Nothing feels better than being
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: able to lay your head down at night without this
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: crippling anxiety of O, my god, what's my partner doing?
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: Who where they have their message? This person have they do?
• 33:03
  Speaker 2: I need to go through their phone out and trust
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: and blah blah blah.
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: When that is over and yeah, okay, you're single and
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: you don't want to be single, but you can lay
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: your head down at night and have no demons, none
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: of these anxious thoughts of not trusting somebody.
• 33:15
  Speaker 2: Nothing feels better.
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: I remember when, like soon after my relationship with that
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: nut factory ended and I was still like hunched and
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: heartbroken and not well. But very very soon after, in
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: the depths of my heartbreak, I remember going to bed
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: at night being like, one thing I can fucking celebrate
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: is that I can actually finally sleep easy at night.
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: I can sleep easy. I'm heartbroken, but I don't have
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: this crippling like, oh my god, this person's fucking you know,
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: on you.
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: So basically, never force trust.
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: I think that trust can be rebuilt, but it's something
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: that you want to see progress in.
• 33:56
  Speaker 2: It's something that you want to like.
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: Notice your self be really open and vulnerable in that situation.
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: If you're someone that's so hurt and you're constantly second
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: guessing everything they're saying, everything they're doing, that you're going
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: to live in a prison.
• 34:12
  Speaker 2: Even if that person were to never cheat on you again.
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: If you can't trust them, you're just hurting yourself because
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: it's a terrible position to be in.
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: Now, for the last little bit, I want.
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: To play the devil's advocate and ask yourself about where
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: you are at in giving.
• 34:28
  Speaker 2: A person a second chance.
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: Sometimes people will find themselves in a position where they
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: are playing the victim role and they are stopping themselves
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: from giving that person a second chance because sitting in
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: this role of the victim, I've been hurt, you hurt me,
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: gives you this false sense of power because when you've
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: been hurt and the other person is trying to repair
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: and willing to repair, in that moment, you're thinking, I've
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: got the power.
• 35:01
  Speaker 2: I feel powerful, I feel needed, I feel cared for.
• 35:05
  Speaker 2: They're groveling. I have all the attention that I want.
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: This is why a lot of people end up slipping
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: into this victim mentality. Okay, it's this mentality of like,
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: I want sympathy from everyone all the time. I need
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: to be you know, supported from everyone all the time.
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: I want people to always be you know, if I'm
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: the victim, then I've got people that are trying to
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: help me or care for me or whatever. And in
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: the scenario of when someone's wronged you, if you're the victim,
• 35:32
  Speaker 1: then they're going to keep trying to gain.
• 35:34
  Speaker 2: Your respect again, or gain this or gain that. You know.
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: But it's very easy to stay.
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: In that victim mentality and get stuck there because you've
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: got this false sense of power that this power dynamic,
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: false power dynamic gives you. Okay, you think I can
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: now manipulate you because you need me, You need my apology,
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: So I'm not going to give it to you so
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: quickly because I'm now being fed things that make me
• 36:01
  Speaker 1: feel validated. Okay, if you were someone that provided your
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: own validation and always provided your own self esteem and confidence,
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: you're likely not going to be sitting in this victimhood
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: for too long.
• 36:13
  Speaker 2: And it's not to say that everyone.
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: Who's insecure or has low self esteem does this, but
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: people who do this have low self esteem.
• 36:20
  Speaker 2: Okay, it's because they're not.
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: Providing it for themselves, and then they find an opportunity
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: where someone can give them this feeling of validation, they're
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: going to take it with both hands.
• 36:28
  Speaker 2: Okay, so are you doing that? Are you not giving
• 36:31
  Speaker 2: the person a second chance?
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: Because sitting in the victim role feels too good, it
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: feels too powerful. But the problem with that is that
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: to get more of it, you have to continue to escalate.
• 36:43
  Speaker 1: You have to not accept people's apology. You have to
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: cause more of a divide. You have to show no,
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: I'm not really good, I'm not and then it starts
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: to change your mood. You start to then play this
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: role of the victim. You push people away, You become
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: a hater, you become a pessimist. Your friends get less
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: and less, people can't, people feel like they're walking on
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: eggshells around you. So yeah, okay, you're manipulating the situation
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: for people to like try and repair.
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: But it gets to a.
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: Point that if you push people too far, if you
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: make repair too hard, too painful.
• 37:12
  Speaker 2: People will give up.
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: And if you want them to give up, then I
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: think it's fair to say, listen, this isn't about you
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: needing to repair. I just don't want this to go
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: any further. I'm not trying to punish you. I just
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: don't but to string someone along but not really give
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: them the forgiveness I think is really unfair but also
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: really really dangerous for your own self esteem, because then
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: you start to rely on needing to be the victim
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: in order to feel needed, in order to feel cared for,
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: in order to feel you know, appreciated or loved. That's why,
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: on a crazy, crazy, crazy extreme you get those people
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: that are pathological liars. They start, they make up a lie,
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: they get sympathy, they make up a bigger liear, bigger lie.
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: Those people that fake that they have had cancer, because
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: what happens, they get all the sympathy, they get, all
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: the attention.
• 38:04
  Speaker 2: They feel. I'm not gonna be able.
• 38:05
  Speaker 1: To get this level of sympathy and attention normally. I'm
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: not worthy of that, they think. So I've got to
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: have to like pull off this huge thing so people
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: will believe me.
• 38:15
  Speaker 2: So on a much much much smaller scale, that's what
• 38:18
  Speaker 2: happens when you're playing the victim.
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: Now, there's a difference between genuinely being a victim to
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: a situation and working through it to playing the victim.
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: And I'm talking about playing the victim where you're playing
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: into what happened and you're milking it like a fucking badger. Okay,
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: So yeah, that's one of the best ways to lose
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: your power. So I would highly recommend that you ask
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: yourself the really hard question is like, am I trying
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: to manipulate someone thinking that it's giving me power when
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: in reality it's actually taking away from your power because
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: you're kind of drip feeding yourself this false sense of control,
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: but you actually don't have control. You're actually relying on
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: that person to make you feel good. So in reality,
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: while it feels like you have control, they have the
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: control and they don't probably don't even realize. But all
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: they have to do is walk away and then you
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: feel like shit. So who's in control? The best way
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: to be in control is just focus on yourself, focus
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: on what's good for you.
• 39:13
  Speaker 2: Is this person good for me? Or are they not? Simple?
• 39:17
  Speaker 1: It sounds really complicated, but it's not based on their
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: track record? Can I trust this person again? And mind you,
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: it's okay to make a mistake, It's okay to be
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: like yep, I can trust them again.
• 39:28
  Speaker 2: And then you trust them and they fuck you over again.
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: That's fine. People blindside you, People lie, it doesn't matter.
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: You've got to ask yourself, how do I feel giving
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: this person a second chance?
• 39:38
  Speaker 2: Do I feel secure? Do I feel safe? Do I
• 39:42
  Speaker 2: feel comfortable with my decision?
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: And if the answer is yes, give them a second
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: chance if that's what makes you feel comfortable. Because you
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: can't see around corners, you can't predict the future, but
• 39:55
  Speaker 1: you can.
• 39:56
  Speaker 2: Listen to your instincts.
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: And if your body is screaming being like they're gonna
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: fuck you again. But I need this person because you
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: know I'm never going to find love again, I'm this,
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: I'm that, Then you.
• 40:05
  Speaker 2: Don't feel safe. You also don't feel comfortable.
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: But here you are giving this person a second chance
• 40:10
  Speaker 1: because you think that you're not going to be happier.
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: Trust me, Trust me, you will always be happier alone
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: than with somebody that treats you like shit. It is
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: a big lie that you tell yourself that it's the
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: other way around. And when you make that decision, the
• 40:22
  Speaker 1: first time you ever put yourself first, saying I'm going
• 40:24
  Speaker 1: to back myself and I can be alone, then already
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: you start to change your relationship with yourself.
• 40:30
  Speaker 2: Instantly, that small action.
• 40:31
  Speaker 1: Of saying I'd rather be alone than unhappy already starts
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: to prove your relationship with yourself instantly. Try it sometime
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: fun now not all set to wrap up. You've got
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: to realize that not all second chances means that you
• 40:44
  Speaker 1: go back to exactly where you were. Sometimes a second
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: chance can actually bring the relationship closer than ever before. Sometimes,
• 40:54
  Speaker 1: when both parties are in the right headspace and have
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: a common goal that they are open about and that
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: they share, it actually.
• 41:00
  Speaker 2: Elevates the relationship.
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: I know couples that someone has had an affair, it
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: has broken the marriage and they have repaired and now
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: the marriage is better than ever, better than ever, because
• 41:13
  Speaker 1: it almost gave them an opportunity to be like, well,
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: we could lose this, we could both walk away, but
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: is this what we want?
• 41:19
  Speaker 2: And if we do come back together, how will it
• 41:21
  Speaker 2: be different? Should it be different?
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: And if the answer is yes, how would we make
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: it different? And are we willing to put in the
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: work to do that? And when couples can do that
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: and come together being like, yeah, okay, I had an affair,
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: but you know I was unhappy. Maybe I should be
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: working on this, Maybe we should be doing different things
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: to make our marriage.
• 41:37
  Speaker 2: You know what can we do and it can work.
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: So sometimes the second chance allows like a breath of
• 41:47
  Speaker 1: fresh life into the relationship. And sometimes the second chance
• 41:51
  Speaker 1: means I'm not going to cut you out of my life,
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: but I need to now keep you at arms distance
• 41:55
  Speaker 1: if you're like a friend or a relative, not romantically.
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: So I think that it all comes down to not
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: punishing the other person.
• 42:04
  Speaker 2: But how you.
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: Feel, it's got to be all about you. You can
• 42:06
  Speaker 1: only control yourself, you can't control other people. And if
• 42:10
  Speaker 1: you instinctively feel like you are safe and secure, uncomfortable
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: with giving this person a second chance, then I don't
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: think it's the worst thing in the world to give
• 42:18
  Speaker 1: them a second chance. What I don't recommend is you
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: dishing out second chances left, right and center to a
• 42:23
  Speaker 1: people that don't fight for it, don't ask for it,
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: are not trying to repair, don't acknowledge the wrong they've done.
• 42:28
  Speaker 1: Absolutely don't do.
• 42:29
  Speaker 2: That, or b giving second chances to people who you
• 42:32
  Speaker 2: don't fucking trust and they're telling you all the things
• 42:35
  Speaker 2: that you think you need to be.
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: Hearing, but deep down you're like, I can't trust this person.
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: If I take them back, all I want to do
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: is go through their phone when they're not looking, you know,
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: that kind of thing. Then you don't feel safe, you
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: don't feel secure. It's not appropriate for you.
• 42:47
  Speaker 2: To take them back. That's my opinion. Okay, guys, that
• 42:51
  Speaker 2: is the episode for today.
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: Hopefully this has helped you reframe how you look at
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: giving people second chances, and hopefully it's helped you reframe
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: when you should be a little bit kinder when someone's
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: really trying to repair a situation with you. Because I
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: think that when someone is extending the olive branch and
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: really aware of their behavior and really willing to make
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: that repair, I think at times you've got to ask yourself,
• 43:16
  Speaker 1: is me punishing them and the good feeling that I
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: feel worth it when I could actually potentially lose this
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: personal long term where they've really realized they're wrongs and
• 43:23
  Speaker 1: they're a good communicator and they're just trying to repair.
• 43:27
  Speaker 1: Because we're not even talking about huge like oh, you
• 43:30
  Speaker 1: had an affair whatever. Sometimes it's smaller things, much smaller things,
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: and sometimes relationships break down just because of pride, and
• 43:37
  Speaker 1: I think that is really sad. I don't think it's
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: worth losing a good relationship because you're too proud to
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: realize that you can say, you know what, both of
• 43:45
  Speaker 1: us blew up. Yeah, you're in the wrong, but you're
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: trying to repair. Let's start fresh. You know, I see
• 43:49
  Speaker 1: where you're coming from. You now say where I'm coming from.
• 43:52
  Speaker 1: So yeah, I think sometimes like.
• 43:54
  Speaker 2: I'm all for like calling people out and this and that,
• 43:56
  Speaker 2: but I'm also.
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: Really big on not being too proud and not damning
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: relationships that probably add a lot of value to your life.
• 44:03
  Speaker 2: Sometimes this, you know.
• 44:05
  Speaker 1: Really fierce aggressive approach can actually be detrimental to the
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: really good relationships in your life. So be calmer, be gentle,
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: but be fierce in protecting your space, not in punishing
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: other people.
• 44:19
  Speaker 2: Amazing guys, love you so much. Thank you for tuning
• 44:22
  Speaker 2: into today's episode that is offered today.
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: As always, remember be kind to yourself, be kind to
• 44:27
  Speaker 1: your brain, don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't
• 44:31
  Speaker 1: take shit from yourself.
• 44:32
  Speaker 2: Don'g it