Latest / Natty Unfiltered / E29 When Your Oldest Leaves for College: The Goodbye No One Prepares You For

Transcript

E29 When Your Oldest Leaves for College: The Goodbye No One Prepares You For · Natty Unfiltered

0:02
People prepare you for the practical side of sending your child to college.
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They tell you what to buy for the dorm, how to pack
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the car, what paperwork needs to be completed, and all
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the things your child would probably forget.
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But no one really prepares you for the moment when you have to
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leave without them. No one prepares you for the quiet ride
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home. No one prepares you for walking past their empty bedroom or
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realizing that the child who has been part of your everyday
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life is now beginning a life that no longer includes
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you in every moment. I knew this day was coming.
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I knew raising him to become independent
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was always the goal, and that includes my other two kids.
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But knowing something is coming doesn't mean your
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heart is ready when it arrives. Welcome to
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Natty Unfiltered, the podcast for moms who love their kids but
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know they were meant for more. I'm Natty, a mom of three real
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estate agent and online entrepreneur. And this is
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where we talk about motherhood, confidence, mindset,
1:18
money, and building a life that actually feels like yours.
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Today's episode is going to be very personal.
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I wanted to do it for quite some time, but I just,
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I think maybe emotionally was not ready for
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it recently,
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and I probably would say it's been now a month and
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a half where our oldest son went
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away to college. And I want to talk honestly
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about what that transition has been like for me and
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for our entire family. I've heard many parents
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say that by the time their child was ready for college,
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they were ready to. They were excited to
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have more space. They were ready for the child to become independent.
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Some even joked that they couldn't wait for them to get out of the house.
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Well, I wasn't that mom. I wasn't ready for him to
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leave. I actually struggled with it for months before
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we moved him, and I continued to
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struggle after we came home without him. Of course,
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I was proud. I was excited for him. I wanted
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him to experience college, meet new people, and begin
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building his own future. When I went to college, I actually stayed
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home. I would go to college and then come home. I would
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work. So for me, I knew that I would not be
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going away to college. I wanted to stay close home.
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I wanted to stay with my parents. But I
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guess a lot of the kids I know back then and even now,
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they look forward to going to college to have that freedom.
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I mean, hopefully not too much freedom, because they're
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going to college for a reason. To study, to get their degrees and of
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course, have some fun, but also be safe and
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smart when it comes to having Fun and.
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But so for me, underneath that pride was a tremendous
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amount of sadness. Those two emotions can exist
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at the same time. You know, you can be incredibly
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proud of your child and still kind of grieve the ending
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of the life you knew together. You know that they're
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going to be coming home for the breaks and
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for the summer breaks. But it's just something that initial
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going away that really I found myself
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struggling a lot now the month leading
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up to college before he left, I could feel
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the date getting closer. And you know, honestly, when kids,
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they start going to high school, you look, oh, they're freshmen
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and before you know it you think like, oh my God, all this time flew
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by and they're already in high school and before you know it they're
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already juniors and then they're getting ready for applying
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for colleges and what they wanted to do. And then
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there's a senior year that comes around and just flies by
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so quickly and before you know it, you're sitting and looking,
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you know, watching your child walk down that kind of
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aisle, get their, his diploma and that's it,
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they're done, they're enjoying the summer and then
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off they go to college.
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So there was a countdown happening in my mind even when
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no one else was talking about this was his,
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you know, kind of last week, sleeping in
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his room before college, you know, I thought about okay time
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we were getting things kind of for the dorm. It was a last
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minute thing. And for, for the guys, I feel like it's much
5:26
easier than for the girls because I know like my
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daughter is going to be going off to college in a couple of years,
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so it's going to be different. One of my good friends, her,
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her daughter also went away to college, same as my son.
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And there was a lot more involved because girls,
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they go all out with, decorating the room,
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making it cozy. So I can totally see the
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difference between boys and girls and I think kind of
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actually like the boys a little bit better because there's not
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so much involved as it's with girls. But I've seen a
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lot of like, you know, pictures with girls moving in and
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their dorms looks look super cute.
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And you know, it's like you kind of start thinking about what
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are the, it's not like last things. But before they go to school,
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you're trying to do as much as you can also with them. Dinners or
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planning some outings. But they also want to be spending time
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with their friends because a lot of the friends also go away to
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colleges. And I know like my son's friends, they all are
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away in colleges. There's, I think, only maybe a few
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that are going to school locally.
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And so, you know, it's like you think this is going to be
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like your last ordinary weekend when
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all three kids are home, coming and going,
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arguing, laughing and making noise, like around
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the house. And then suddenly all the
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ordinary moments, you know, felt important
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because once, like, one of the
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kids goes away, it's kind of the dynamic changes
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in the house, the things we normally don't think
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twice about. Hearing him walk down the door, you know, through the door,
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seeing his shoes somewhere that you know they don't
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belong, asking what he wants for dinner, or hearing him talking
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to his brother, started feeling, you know, temporary.
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I think that's what made it so emotional.
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Nothing dramatic was happening, but everything was
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about to change. As mothers, we spent years,
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you know, managing one stage after another.
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The sleep that not the sleepless nights, first days of school,
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activities, friendships, teenager years,
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driving, and all the little milestones
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in between. We're so busy raising them that we
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sometimes forget there will eventually be a day when they're
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ready to leave. Then that day arrives and we
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wonder, how did we get here so quickly?
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Now, my son wanted to live in the dorm because he
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wanted the full college experience. He wanted to be
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part of campus life. He wanted to meet people,
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make friends, learn how to manage his own time and
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experience, independence. And logically,
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of course, I understood that. And honestly,
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I, you know, even admired that. And also,
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I think, I mean, I could sort of pat myself in the
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back and just kind of say that I prepared
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him for that. I think that was him saying,
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I'm ready to begin building a life of my own. You know,
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living in the dorm isn't only about having a place to sleep. It's part
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of the experience. It's the late night conversation.
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Learning to live with other person or
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people, you know, navigating responsibilities
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and figuring things out without kind of mom
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standing nearby with an answer but just a
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phone call away. You know, it's learning that laundry doesn't
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magically fold itself. It's discovering that,
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you know, toothpaste, shampoo and snacks don't simply
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appear when you run out. You kind of have to keep in mind when
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to get them before they run out.
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And that may be where the real college education begins,
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because you're not just educating yourself
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and getting yourself ready for the real world, but you're also learning
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how to live in the real world and taking care
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of yourself. You know, he needed that opportunity to
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become more independent and discover who he is outside
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of our home. And as his mother,
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I wanted him to grow into confident, capable young
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man. And I know he was already very capable
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of doing a lot of things, being independent,
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but this was a whole different ball game.
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And so I understood why he wanted to go away to
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be in college and have that experience. But in
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my heart, I kind of wanted more time.
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And I didn't mind having him
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be at home. I mean, there was part of me that
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hoped he would choose a college close enough to live at home.
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And I'll admit that some of my reasons were selfish.
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I wanted to continue seeing him every day.
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I wanted to know when he came home at night. I wanted to hear
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about his day in person instead of through a text message or,
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quote, quick phone call. I wanted him sitting at the dinner table,
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you know, joking with his siblings and being part
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of the everyday rhythm of our family.
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I wasn't. It wasn't because I didn't believe he could handle
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college. It was because I wasn't sure how I was going
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to handle his absence. His absence.
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And sometimes his mothers would say, I'm worried about
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my child. One part of what we're really feeling is I
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don't know who I'm going to be when this changes.
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And that can be difficult to admit.
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Like, we want our children to grow, but growth creates
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distance. We want them to become independent, but independence
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means that they won't need us in all the
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same ways. We want them to build their own lives,
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but their new life changes ours too. And I
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had to remind myself that his desire to leave on
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to live on campus wasn't a rejection of our family or a
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home. It didn't mean that he loved us less.
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It meant that he felt secure enough to take the
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next step. Our home had given him a
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foundation. Now he was ready to build
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on it. Now, my oldest son has always been someone
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I could count on. As he grew
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older, he became more than my little boy. He became a
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dependable, thoughtful young man. He has been someone
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I could ask for help, someone I could trust, someone whose
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presence brought a sense of stability into our home.
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Now, I want to be clear. I never wanted him to feel responsible for my
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happiness or carry adult burdens that didn't belong to him.
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But there is a difference between placing emotional responsibility
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on the child and recognizing that your adult
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child has become a genuinely supportive person in
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your life. He's my son, but he's also someone I
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enjoy talking to. He has been my rock in
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many ways. He's mature,
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responsible and dependable. When I needed help
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with something, I knew I can turn to him and he would be
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there. When you're used to having that person nearby,
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their absence is felt in so many small ways.
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And you catch yourself wanting to call their name,
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you think of something you want to tell them and then remember
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they're no longer in the next room. And see,
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even like kind of talking about it just makes me a
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bit emotional.
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And you know, sometimes when I walk in his room because he shared his
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room with his younger brother and kind
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of see not seeing him there just sometimes
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just feels his absence.
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So it's not just if it feels that one person moved out,
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it's the energy of the entire house that changes.
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And I tell you that the day that we moved him in,
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it's like I felt like totally fine. And I was happy
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for him. We unpacked everything in
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his room, met his roommates, which were, you know,
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great guys. And then
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it's kind of like when we got home then
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it's really hit that, hey, he is away
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in college and it's going to be
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some time until we see him. Even though he's not like
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super far, but it's still not
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something that any kind of a weekend that you can
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hop in a car and just go because there's
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always work and there's always other kids activities that
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are happening. So we need to make arrangements on when to
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go out and see him. And you know, when we
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were kind of unpacking, he just like, I look at my son, I'm like,
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my gosh, like, where does all this time went? And he was
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just a little boy not so long ago. And now he's
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this amazing young man that's starting
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his new chapter and it's going to be exciting
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for him and he has plans of what he wants to do in college.
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And I'm just so proud of him.
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And I can tell you that I think the next person
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that kind of hit a little bit harder too is
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for my younger son because he's been always looking up to
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him. And even I would say four
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or so years ago, when my oldest son said that he wants to
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go away to college, my youngest son was really upset
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about it. And one time he came out of the bedroom and was crying.
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I was like, oh my gosh, what's wrong? Why are you crying? And he just
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said that he was upset that his oldest brother's
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gonna be going away to college and he didn't want him to be going away
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to college. He wanted him to be close by. And I told him
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that, listen, he might change his mind by that time
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when he has to go to college. Maybe he's gonna be closer to home.
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And you still have so many years while he' here
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to, you know, kind of enjoy him being
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at home. And I tell you, those.
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Those years just flew by.
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And right now, they talk on the phone. And I.
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Whenever I asked my youngest son, like, hey, have you talked. Spoken to your brother?
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He's like, yeah, I spoke to him. And he shared so many things with him.
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Because my oldest son, he played football in high school,
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and now my youngest one, he's not in high school yet, but he
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really loves playing football. So he likes to call his brother and
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kind of share different moments and everything that's going on in
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his life and football and everything. And so I realized that pride
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and sadness can live in the same heart. You know, I can look at
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my son and feel incredibly proud of the young man he has become. He's taking
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control of his future. He's making his own decisions. He's learning how
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to take care of himself, you know, manage his responsibilities, ability, manage his
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schedule and build a life that belongs to him. That's what
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we raise him to do. But I can also miss him terribly.
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I can wish I had more time. I can feel emotional when I talk,
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when I walk past his room. I can be happy for him. I still
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feel the loss of our old, normal. One emotion doesn't
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cancel out the other. Being sad doesn't mean I don't support
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him. Missing him doesn't mean I'm not proud.
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Having difficulty letting go doesn't make me weak or overly
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attached. It makes me a mom who deeply loves her child
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and is adjusting to a major change. We need to give ourselves
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permission to grieve these transitions. And I
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know that it's especially hard with the first child.
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And then it's. It probably gets a little bit easier with
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next one, which I kind of doubt that
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it will, but that's what, you know,
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we've been going through it with the first and, you know,
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the chapter where all three of my children live under the same roof,
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every day has changed. There will still be
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holidays and, you know, vacations and weekends and summers
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together, but it won't be exactly as it was before.
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And it's okay to honor that.
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When your oldest leaves, it doesn't only begin
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a new chapter for your child, it begins one for you.
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For years, so much of your identity is connected to the
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daily work of raising your Children, your schedule,
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routines, decisions and priorities revolve around their needs.
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Then one child begins building a life outside of your home. And you have to
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ask yourself a new question. Who am I becoming as my children
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become more independent? And that question doesn't take anything away
20:03
from motherhood. Being their mother will always be one of the most important parts
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of who I am. But motherhood has different seasons.
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There's the season when they need you for everything.
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Then there's a season when they need your guidance.
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Eventually, there's a season when they need you to trust them.
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That might be the hardest season of all. Trusting them means
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trusting yourself, too. It means believing that the love,
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values, lessons and strength you gave them will stay
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with them. When you aren't standing beside them.
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It means accepting that you cannot protect them from
20:43
every disappointment or mistake. You can be available,
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you can listen, you can offer guidance,
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but you can't live the next chapter for
20:53
them. Their future belongs to them.
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I also think that transition like this can bring up guilt.
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You start reviewing the past that I do enough that I give him
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enough, was I present enough that I prepare him properly. Should I
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have done something differently? Mothers are very talented and
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turning every milestone into performance review of their entire parenting
21:19
history. But I'm learning that our children don't need a
21:23
perfect childhood to become strong, loving, and capable adults.
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They need to know that they're loved. They need values,
21:31
guidance, accountability, and place where they belong.
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They need to know that when life becomes difficult,
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they can come home. Not only to a physical house, but to people
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who love them without conditions. And also
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when life gets difficult, they need to also learn how
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to approach every situation in your life, how to deal with
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those difficult moments. And know that they can, you know,
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they can come home, they can call, they can talk to you about
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those difficult times and knowing that you
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will be there for them. You would guide them, you would support them,
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and you would give them the best advice that you can.
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You know, it's like sometimes you wonder if you've
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done, you could have done more. But,
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you know, everything in life is like, you could have. You could always do more.
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But what is more? Because you also
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want them to learn things. And hopefully when they don't know something,
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they can come to you and ask you questions like,
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my parents don't teach me completely everything. I needed
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to learn a lot of things on my own. I needed to make mistakes and
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learn from those mistakes. And as adults, we still continue to learn.
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You know, we gave him roots strong enough to support
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him and wings strong Enough to carry him.
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I'm still learning how to adjust. Some days are easier
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than others. I'm learning not to measure our
23:09
relationship, but by how many times he calls or texts.
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I know college life gets busy and work
23:18
and trying to be in fraternity.
23:22
All of this takes time. You know,
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he's creating his own routines, meeting people,
23:29
studying and adapting to a completely new environment.
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You know, a quiet day doesn't mean that he has forgotten
23:37
us. It simply means that he's doing exactly what he meant
23:41
there to do. I'm learning to allow him to reach
23:45
out when. Without making every conversation about how much
23:49
I miss him. Of course, you know, we tell each other we
23:53
love each other. Of course I want him to know he's missed.
23:58
But I also want to hear about his life. I want
24:02
to ask what he's learning, who he's meeting, what's exciting him,
24:07
what's, you know, what excites him and what feels
24:12
difficult. I want our relationship to continue growing rather
24:16
than trying to recreate exactly what it was before.
24:20
And I'm also learning to be present with the two children who are still at
24:24
home. They still need me. Our family hasn't
24:28
become less important because one child went to college. We're simply learning
24:32
a new rhythm. We're making space for everyone's feelings
24:36
while continuing to create memories together. And when
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their older brother comes home, we'll appreciate having everyone
24:44
together in a way we may not have before.
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If your child recently left for college or that
24:53
day is getting closer because they're seniors now,
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I want you to know that you aren't wrong for taking it
25:02
hard. You don't have to pretend you're excited every second. You don't have
25:06
to, you know, rush yourself through the sadness. You don't have to listen
25:10
when people tell you that you should be happy to have more freedom or
25:14
that you should, you know, you should have been ready for this. Every mother
25:19
experiences this transition differently. So allow yourself to feel
25:23
proud, sad, excited, worried, and grateful.
25:27
Those emotions can all exist together. But also
25:31
remember this. Your relationship with your child isn't ending.
25:35
It's just changing. They may not need you in
25:39
all the same ways, but they still need your love,
25:42
your encouragement, your wisdom, and the security of knowing
25:47
you've always in their corner. So it's like
25:50
you are. You are meeting a new version
25:55
of them. And along the way, you may meet the
25:59
new version of yourself, too. Moving my oldest son to college
26:03
was one of the hardest transitions I've experienced as a mother.
26:07
I wanted him home for selfish reasons. I wanted
26:10
more ordinary days, more family dinners, more conversations,
26:14
and more time knowing that all three of my children were
26:18
safely under the same roof. But love can only be
26:22
about cannot. But love cannot only be about
26:27
holding on. Sometimes, you know, love means giving your child
26:31
the freedom to step into the life you spend years preparing them to
26:35
build. I do miss him a whole lot.
26:38
His brother and sister misses him. Our home feels different without
26:42
him. But we are also so incredibly
26:46
proud of him. He's becoming his own young man.
26:50
He's taking responsibility for his future, learning,
26:54
independence, and beginning a chapter that belongs to him.
26:58
Maybe that's the bittersweet truth about motherhood.
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You spend years teaching your children how to walk beside
27:05
you, and then one day, you have to trust them to
27:09
walk ahead. Thank you for turning thank you
27:13
for tuning into the Nadian Filter podcast. If this episode hit
27:18
home for you, save it, share it, and pass it along to another mom who
27:22
may be preparing for this transition or quietly struggling with
27:26
it right now. And remember your story, your pace
27:30
and your lane are enough. Keep rediscovering who
27:35
you are, because you are worth every bit of it.
27:38
Until next time, stay unapologetically.