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Asking for What You Need Doesn't Have to Feel Like Begging · Rooted Thoughts

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host Tierra and welcome to Rooted Thoughts Podcast.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: We are back with an all-new episode, and I am really excited to talk to you guys about this particular episode.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I always get excited for episodes, especially when it's talking about something that I have dealt with in my own personal life because it's just a little bit more meaningful.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: So on this particular episode, we're actually going to be discussing begging versus asking for what you need.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever found yourself not willing to ask for what you need because it felt too much like begging?
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Me too, child, me too.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: So the thing is, society often praises independence so much that people feel guilty for asking for anything.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: But if I'm being honest, I can't put it all on society because some of us actually do it to ourselves.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: And when I say some of us, yes, I'm including myself in that because this is something that I've had to deal with and learn from and overcome as well.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Some of us develop this belief very early on that we can only rely on ourselves, which then caused some of us to become hyper-independent adults.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: But in case you didn't know, I'm gonna go ahead and tell you right now, you are not weak because you have needs.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: And asking is a healthy life skill.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Though you guys know that I do like to keep it short and sweet.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: However, I do want you to walk away from this episode.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I don't know why you would be walking away from the episode.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: That sounds crazy.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: But anyway, you know what I mean.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to leave this episode being able to ask your boss or your supervisor for clarification when you don't understand something.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to be able to ask your doctor questions about your care.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to be able to ask a friend for support when you need that.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to be able to ask for help when you feel overwhelmed.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I want you to be able to ask for opportunities and not just let them pass you by.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason that I want you to be able to do all these things is because having healthy relationships and workplaces and communities requires a healthy communication.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: And a part of healthy communication is asking for what you need and not expecting someone to automatically know what it is that you need.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening to Real Thoughts Podcast with your host, Tiara.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Follow and leave me a review.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: So let's break down what makes asking different from begging.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Asking is honest, respectful, it provides clarity, it gives the other person space to respond, which also means accepting that no is a possible answer.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: But most importantly, it protects your dignity.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: But now, begging, on the other hand, begging can be constantly having to repeat yourself or trying to convince someone to care.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's also over-explaining, it's ignoring repeated patterns, it's feeling desperate for validation and negotiating your own self-worth.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: The biggest difference isn't just the words that you use, it's whether you are communicating your needs or just trying to force someone else's willingness.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do people slip into that begging place?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because it doesn't just start with begging automatically.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: For some people, hearing the word no feels so unbearable.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: So they keep asking the same thing in different ways, hopefully or hoping to get a different response or any response at all.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: And there are some people who actually have a scarcity mindset and think that if they don't get a certain opportunity, then they will never get an opportunity.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Or if this person says no, then no one will ever tell them yes.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: And there are some people who learn or were taught that no one is coming to help.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: So you have to do everything on your own.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: And though sometimes I do sort of agree with part of that statement.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: And when I say I agree with part of it, I'm referring to the part that learning how to rescue yourself, basically.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: But I can also say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with having someone, especially a circle of support, to help you along the way when you are going through certain things.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then there are also some people who slip into begging because they over-identify with the outcome.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: You have to be open to the outcome also being no.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: That way it does not feel like a personal attack on you when someone tells you no.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: But there can also become a time in which you have to recognize when you already have your answer.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: One of the hardest truths is that sometimes people answer with their actions instead of words.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: This is why I always tell people to pay attention to actions more than you listen to what someone is telling you.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm speaking on this from a place of experience because it took me a very long time to learn and to practice this myself.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: It will help you out so much in life once you learn and realize that silence is an answer.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: But even if you experience these unsaid answers, that doesn't mean that you have to shut down and stop advocating for yourself.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: It just means that you have to stop investing your energy where there is no willingness.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Ooh, y'all heard that?
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: I sound like a preacher, don't I?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: But on a serious note, there are cases in which it is appropriate to be persistent.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: For example, if you are doing something such as appealing a decision, negotiating a salary, seeking medical answers from a provider, or requesting accommodations through the proper channels, those are situations that you do want to be persistent in.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: The difference in these examples is that you are pursuing a solution and not just pleading with someone who's an unwilling person.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: So, what does respecting yourself look like while also asking for your needs?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna tell y'all a quick story or lesson that I learned about in therapy last year, right?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I was in therapy, and I think something that had come up was this exact thing that we're actually talking about on this podcast.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, which, and we were talking about, I guess I may have said something to her like, sometimes I don't ask for stuff because I don't like to seem like I'm begging for something when it doesn't get done.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so she, you know, she kind of asked me to explain why do I feel like it's begging when I ask for something.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I explained to her the reason why.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so the tool that she gave me was she told me to set a limit for myself, a limit for how many times that I'm willing to ask for that particular thing, whatever it is, before I find a different solution.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, for example, her number is I think it was like three or something like that.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: And so I said, okay, I think I set my number at two, if I'm not mistaken.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: But the way that it went was when I need to ask for something, I ask that first time and I give it time to get done.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: You can't just ask for something and say, do it immediately, unless it's emergency, of course.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: So I ask that first time and I give it time enough for it to get done.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever that looks like, it depends on what it is I'm asking for.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: So if it's not done by that time period, I then will go back and ask again, just for a reminder and just in case a person forgot, because people are capable of forgetting it, I forget things all the time.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: So I go back and ask a second time, like, hey, you know, can you do X, Y, and Z, whatever it is.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: And after that second time, that's when I started finding a different solution.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because I always tell people there's always more than one solution.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: And when I say that worked for me so well, because for one, it stopped me from feeling like I'm begging by having to constantly ask for something.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm actually remembering correctly, it may have been three was my number.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because I believe on that third go around, that's when I would kind of ask one final time and say, like, hey, you know, I asked you to do X, Y, and Z.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: If you're gonna do it, could you please have it done by such and such date?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: If not, then I'll just figure something else out.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: And like I said, it worked for me very well.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Not only did it work for me, my therapist at the time also told me that this is a tool that you can actually give your kids.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: So I had to actually give my daughter the same tool because she was having the same feelings and everything like that.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: And so I had to tell her the same thing like, hey, set yourself a number.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Three is my number.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: You can do three if you like.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: You ask for somebody for something, you can ask again just to make sure they heard you or understood you or just to make sure they remembered.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want to, you can do one final time, depending on what the situation is.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: And after then, don't ask anymore.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: We will figure out another solution.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I can say it worked for her too, and she's only 12.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I say all that to say that asking for what you need is not a weakness, and neither is it begging.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: But there does come a point when protecting your peace and your self-respect means accepting that not every person, place, or situation can or will give you what you're asking for.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: And when that does happen, your next step isn't always to ask louder, sometimes it's to act somewhere else, seek another path or release what's no longer serving you.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Tierra, and this is Rude Thoughts Podcast.