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Why Some Narcissistic Parents Are Ashamed Of Their Own Children · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  Why are narcissistic parents so tough and so hard on their
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  children? Why?
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  What goes on in the mind of a narcissist when their kids are
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  acting up? When their kids are not being
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  exactly how they want them to be?
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  That's what we're talking about today, y'all?
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  Of course, if you're new here, I'm Lee Hammock.
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  I'm a diagnosed narcissist and welcome to another episode of
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  The Narcissist Code. Boom, Welcome back folks.
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  Welcome back, welcome back. Yo I did a one-on-one over zoom
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  with somebody the other day and they asked me.
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  It's like they said, Lee, why do narcissist that are parents or
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  narcissistic parents just treat their kids so differently?
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  Why are they so bad towards their children?
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  Why do they it seem like they're ashamed of their kids sometimes?
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  I was like, that's the perfect word you just used.
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  Shame narcissist parents sure, the shame of their kids.
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  They look at their when their kids do things that are against
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  the law or they kids they have bad grades or kids or get in
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  trouble or whatever the case may be.
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  Narcissistic parents feel that shame on a personal level
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  because they see their kids, their children as the
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  reflections of themselves. Like narcissistic parents, they
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  include myself, but see our, we see our children as reflections
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  of ourselves. We just do is, is that, Yeah,
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  there's only thing that's very difficult to deal with, right?
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  It's very difficult to separate yourself from very difficult to
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  separate your children's identity from debt of yourself
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  when you have a personality disorder like this.
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  Because it's so my personality is so rooted in shame and
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  disaster and doing his other stuff.
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  It's just like, I can't get past it, you know, like with my son,
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  like my say, my oldest son, right?
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  He's 17 years old now. They just say like, he, he, he,
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  he's a good basketball player, right?
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  Just amazing basketball player. Like I wanted him to go off for
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  the team so bad. I know he could have made a
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  team, but he didn't go off for the team.
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  He, he, he has every right not to, right?
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  That's every, every right not to.
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  And I felt bad about that, right?
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  I got angry. I felt ashamed of it.
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  I was like, man, really, I was like, man, why you so good at
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  basketball? You could have win it.
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  You could have made the team and he didn't just didn't want to
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  play basketball. And I realized that my identity
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  was tied to him. I was like, I'm ashamed that he
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  didn't go out because I wanted him to play because I could brag
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  on my son being on the team. I have so many other things to
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  brag on my son. He's a great student, super
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  smart, handsome, funny, right? He got a lot of things going for
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  him, right? He really does.
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  He's an amazing young man. He's going to be, he's going to
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  have a good, he's a good little, he's a good boy, right?
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  I said, young man, he's still 17.
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  He's a good boy. I have so many other things to
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  be proud of him about. But it's just I, I attached that
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  to me, right? And I was ashamed of it.
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  And I'm embarrassed to even say this out loud, but I was, it's
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  just like even when he was growing up and he was in school,
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  and this is including my, this is including my, my, my youngest
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  son. Now they do something in school
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  and I feel like it's not up to him.
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  Like we get they, they, the teacher said something, Hey,
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  your son did this in school. It immediately hurts my feelings
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  because I look it, it looks, I feel like a bad parent
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  immediately. It is deep embedded shame within
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  me that makes me feel that way. It really is like I cannot shake
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  loose of I cannot get free of it.
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  You know, I've been doing the work for eight years now.
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  I've been in therapy for over 8 years now.
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  October was 8, my 8 year anniversary.
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  So I've been doing the work for over 8 years now to get to this
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  point where I'm at right now. And it's been a tough, like I
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  said, it's been a beautiful ride like Dewey Cox said, but it's
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  also been a tough ride. It's not one of those things
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  that you just get used to over time, right?
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  It's, it's just extremely tough to deal with.
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  It's extremely it's an extremely tough battle right now, like
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  either separate my own identity from that of my children.
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  So if you've had a narcissistic parent growing up, you probably
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  can attest to this for real. I know you can, right?
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  I know you can. I know when you've done
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  something wrong. Your parents might have gave you
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  the silent treatment or something minor.
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  They beat your ass. They gave you We got a whooping
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  because you did something minor, right?
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  Your minor things are major to them because it embarrasses
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  them, right? This is why sometimes when you
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  when a narcissistic parent, umm or toxic parent, I'm just
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  talking toxic parent, narcissist got too many syllables.
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  When a toxic parent is angry at you, they'll say out loud, you
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  embarrassed me, you embarrassed this family.
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  Your wrongdoings made me look bad.
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  What are people going to think about me?
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  What are people going? How are people going to view our
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  family because of what you did? You see how Central focused on
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  their own personality that is right there.
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  That's literally them thinking about themselves.
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  When they're punishing you, that's literally them taking it,
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  taking out what they've done to themselves, what they're going
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  through and taking it out on you.
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  That's literally how it is. That's literally the crux of
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  everything. I know I say literally a lot,
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  but literally, literally. That's it right there though,
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  man. Like seriously, it's so many
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  places that we go through in these situations.
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  When you're dealing with somebody like this, they they
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  cannot just fathom, they cannot detach that away.
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  Like for me, and This is why you get a lot of parents that are
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  narcissists, right? Toxic parents that hold their
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  kids back. It's like they don't want you to
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  grow up. They don't, they don't want you
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  to have your independence. They want you to depend on them
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  always, because if you, the more you depend on them, the more
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  that they feel like they have. They can control you.
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  They can control your life like you narcissistic parents don't
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  want you to have any type of autonomy because the more
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  autonomy you have, right? The more autonomy you have, the
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  worse they feel. You know, I know that sounds
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  stupid, but it really is how it goes.
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  The more autonomy you have, the better.
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  The more the time you have to yourself, the more you're able
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  to fend for yourself, the worse they feel because they don't
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  want to look bad, right? This is why a lot of times you
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  get that them that you get a lot of narcissistic parents that
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  discard their children. Some of the toxic deadbeat
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  narcissistic parents that discard their children do it out
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  of shame. You know, do it out of shame
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  because their kids are not going to be how they exactly how they
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  want to be. This is why sometimes when
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  you're separated, you're divorced or you're broken up
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  Y'all you're trying to Co parent.
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  They just opt out of it because they don't feel like their kids
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  are listening to their kids are talking back to them.
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  It works. They're fine when the kids are
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  little, right? When they can just talk to the
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  kids and the kids to do what they say.
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  But when the kids start growing up and having the identity of
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  their own and start rebelling and start talking back and start
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  because they understand the situation, that's when they
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  started to discard their children.
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  They feel like they have no, they no longer have use of them,
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  so they feel like they can just discard them.
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  I no longer have use for you because you're talking back to
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  me. So I feel like that I can
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  discard you. I no longer have use for you
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  because of this. So I feel like I can discard
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  you. I feel like you're you're not
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  exactly like me. So I can discard you.
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  I can get rid of you like, and sometimes, and this is going to
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  sound bad right here y'all, let me go ahead and go ahead and
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  preface this. This is going to sound horrible.
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  But sometimes if you have a disabled child, like they'll
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  discard them too because their child is this is not not how
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  they thought they were going to be.
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  They just any type of disability which sucks man, which
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  absolutely is an evil eve it. It can be evil when they do it
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  just so ferociously. I don't want to be there for
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  that child because your kids in the wheelchair, your kid needs
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  special needs or something along those like your kids is your
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  kid. Your child is autistic perhaps
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  and now they don't want to deal with them.
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  They just opt out. They disappear because they're
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  horrible. They're horrible people.
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  They're evil. You know, they feel the shame of
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  that. They feel like they're ashamed
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  of your kids, which is this is is them.
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  It's really is internal thing. So it's inside, right?
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  It's inside. It has very little and this is
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  easy for me to say. It has very little to do with
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  you as the other parent, as the other person has very little to
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  do with you. I know sometimes they're going
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  to blame you for discarding the kids.
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  They're going to say you, you never slept with me anymore.
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  You don't, you don't you make your life difficult for me, You
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  taking my money, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
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  blah, blah, blah, BBBB, whatever it is.
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  They're going to say the type of stuff because they can benefit
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  from the type of stuff. They can benefit from that, from
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  that type of rhetoric. So they're going to say it,
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  right? Am I right?
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  But you as a survivor, as somebody who's thriving through
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  this, as somebody who's got a Co parent with this horrible
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  bastard person, this evil bastard or whatever case may be,
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  do you understand it? You know, it's hard, like say
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  being raised by narcissists is tough.
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  There's so many people. Matter of fact, one of my, my
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  very first podcast was about a woman who said she got raised by
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  a narcissist and end up with a narcissistic boyfriend or
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  husband or whatever. That happens too, you know what
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  I mean? That absolutely happens
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  sometimes. That narcissistic parent drives
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  you into a damn toxic relationship, right?
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  And that and that narcissistic parent when you're in a toxic
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  relationship will take the side, will choose the side of your
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  abuser, will choose the side of your manipulator, will choose
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  the side of your this horrible person.
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  That's what be happening. They will pick the side of the
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  person that is hurting you, right?
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  They will pick the side of the person that is treating you
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  horribly. That's how they go.
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  That's the mentality of a narcissistic parent.
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  They want to put you in your place.
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  But this is crazy, man. I said it.
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  It really is just a very unique mindset, 'cause if I put my, if
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  I put my narcissist hat on right And I go into my parenting
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  brain, I really, for a long time, I really did view my
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  children as reflections of me. So when that reflection looks
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  bad, I feel bad. Whenever reflection does
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  something bad, I feel horrible. You get in trouble, I'm in
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  trouble too. You, you, like I said, you hurt
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  yourself or you get sick. I'm get sick.
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  I, I feel like I'm a failed parent.
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  It just, it just, they tie their identity to their kids so much.
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  It can get, it can get very toxic.
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  It really does. Like there are some that tie
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  their identity. They there are some that tie
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  their identity to their children so much that they try to start
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  living vicarious, vicariously, vicariously through their
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  children. They start forcing them into
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  certain sports or activities that they might not even want to
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  do right. They try to do all of this stuff
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  in order to get their kids to be a good reflection of them.
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  I might not have got a chance to play basketball, so I want my
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  son to do it. I might not have got a chance to
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  do this. I want this to do this, right?
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  It's just in that space right there.
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  There's so many different avenues to how it goes.
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  I'm serious, man. And that's why I was saying
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  like, as you continue to move forward, as you are on your
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  journey, you got to understand that this is how a narcissist's
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  minds work. Like they're going to look at
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  those children as reflection of themselves.
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  And that child is reflecting back bad stuff.
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  They're going to feel so much shame.
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  They're going to get angry at the kids.
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  They're going to take it out on the on the children.
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  They're going to take it out on the other parent.
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  They're going to take it out on the world.
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  Sometimes they'll discard, right?
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  But on the other side of things, if that, if that narcissist has
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  a, if that child is a positive reflection, reflecting back
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  positive things, you might get the chance to be the golden
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  child in that situation, right? You get a chance to be the
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  golden child, like golden child. Golden children are still abused
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  as well. You know that the golden child
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  still gets abused. It just, it just looks different
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  than a scapegoat child. A scapegoat child.
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  Damn, they're getting kicked out the house and thrown outside and
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  into the into the garage or something like that.
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  The golden child gets abused. They have to be perfect.
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  The golden child has to be perfect.
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  Because if you're not perfect, you get chastised, you get beat,
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  you get treated horribly. You see, I'm saying it's very
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  different. Go watch the movie in Kanto.
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  You'll see the difference between the scapegoat and the
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  golden child with how Isabel and what's the the one with the the
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  flower power, the one who can make the flowers.
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  I can't think of a name. Mirabelle is the is the the one
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  who's a scapegoat. Isabelle is the one who
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  controlled the flowers. They that's the golden shot.
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  Go watch Encanto you. It'll change your viewpoint on a
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  lot of different things. You like.
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  Damn, Lee, that's crazy right there.
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  How the golden child and the scapegoat child is, so you know
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  what I'm saying and how the Abuela, the grandma took it
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  personally when Mirabelle started acting up, when
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  Mirabelle started doing things that everybody viewed as wrong,
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  she was embarrassed, she was ashamed.
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  So she put her in the room. Like get out of here.
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  You doing too much. You were in the way, right?
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  But then Isabel, she's beautiful.
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  She's going to get married to everybody.
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  She's going to save the family, do everything for your family,
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  family, you know what I mean? But amazing movie, Encanto might
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  be Coco and Encanto are competing for one in one.
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  A frozen was upper Frozen still upper, but Encanto animated
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  movies. It's upper.
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  It is up here animated soundtrack.
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  You go to K pop demon hunters ain't nothing top of that.
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  But anyways, y'all mental illness.net for all things Lee
• 13:24
  Hammock. Speaking of children, I have my
• 13:26
  kids book that's available. It's called remember it's not
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  your fault. It's available on Amazon.
• 13:30
  Remember, it's not your fault. It's on Amazon.
• 13:33
  You can check it out right now. It's good kids book.
• 13:37
  They open it out to have a good conversation with your with your
• 13:39
  children about times, relationship dynamics, loving
• 13:43
  themselves, self love and out of other good stuff.
• 13:45
  Y'all remember it's not your fault on Amazon.
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  Peace.