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S3 Ep12: The Girlfriend Crying Guide Nobody Asked For 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Tommy.
• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I uh I grew up in a goofy little household.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: I've got six sisters.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: And uh okay, we got an oof over there.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes gets a positive reaction, but yeah, fuck them, they're not here.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: Who cares?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: I liked it, I love the sisters.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think it's that crazy.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: I think the only difference between growing up with a bunch of sisters or a bunch of brothers is your method of fighting, right?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: My friends that grew up with brothers, they fist fought each other.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: You guys have gotten my vibe for 25 seconds now.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: You know I've never been in a fight.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: I've never thrown nor received a punch.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: I've said, come on, guys, a lot.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's my whole role in a fight.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, guys.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: Guys, come on.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: What are we doing?
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna get kicked out.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'd know my role.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: I grabbed the jackets, I call the Uber, you know?
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Me and the sisters just didn't fight physically.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: It was psychological warfare in there.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: Just a family built on petty shit.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: Our love language to this day is pettiness.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: Like my 35-year-old sister, she's a mom.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: She should be a well-adjusted adult.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: She texted me out of the blue last week at 7 a.m.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, got a little drunk last night, almost missed my flight this morning.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: Really channeling your energy today.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: That's how I woke up on a Wednesday.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: I was so angry, because here's the thing.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: Three days before that, I had gotten drunk and missed a flight.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: And she didn't know about that.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: So she just took a swing in the dark and hit a fucking home run.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: So I, you know, I hit her back.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, alright, well, I just met someone who regrets having kids, thought of you.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: Drove past Planned Parenthood today, snagged a gift card.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um they turned me into such a petty little bitch, the six sisters.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's so bad.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: Because like that's that's my training.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: Those are my instincts, is to go that level of petty.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: But that doesn't work as an adult.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: That doesn't work with women that you're dating.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, women, surprise.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: I am uh I'm in uh I'm in a new relationship now, and we're fighting a lot, we're gonna make it.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: But she she can be a little petty, so I can't, you know, I gotta push down my instincts, my training a lot.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like, okay, we got in a little thing last week.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: It was I thought it was nothing.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: She comes back into the room an hour later to restart the fight, but she didn't want to admit it.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: So this is what she hit me with.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: She comes in, she looks at me, she goes, So, do you think I'm mad at you?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: Do you think I'm mad at you?
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, objection, leading the witness.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: This sucks.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: That's an unanswerable question.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: Do you think I'm mad at you?
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: So it felt very petty because she wouldn't just say how she felt.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: So I felt a little cornered.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: So what I wanted to say, what my training calls for is I don't know, do you think the bangs were a good idea?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, now you're mad at me, but I I didn't I didn't say that.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm saying that's what my training calls for.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: Do you understand?
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a trained assassin who's been reassigned as a traffic cop.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: And every day I have to fight the urge to kill.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: Because you grow up with six sisters, you're going for the throat.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: But like, when you make your girlfriend cry, aka win, it's just, it's less, it's less rewarding, you know?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: So I didn't say that.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: Don't be mad at me, please.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: I uh what we've been fighting about is she talks to her ex-boyfriend pretty much every day.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: Feel like we're not as mad about the Bang's comment anymore.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: Look who's back on Tommy's side, you fucks.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: I uh yeah, her and her ex talk all the time.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: They are co-parenting a dog together.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: Can you believe that's a sentence I have to say out loud?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to be chill, but at what point am I just watching them fuck, being like, God, I'm such a cool boyfriend?
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: Because the other day I was on the phone with her when she was dropping the dog at his place, and I said something that made her laugh, and she retold it to him, and they laughed about it together while I was on the phone.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta kill this fucking dog.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: She makes more money than me, that's cool.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: My girlfriend makes more money than me.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone uh thinks I should be insecure about that.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: I've never been cockier in my life.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know how good of a boyfriend you have to be to also be broke?
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: Fellas, once you admit you're just a little beta bitch with a three-figure bank account, the rich girls are like, get in here, little guy.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: Every once in a while she does let me pay for something, but it feels like a real make-a-wish situation.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: She'll be like, Do you want to hand the nice man the dollar?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes in an elevator, she lets me push all the buttons, too.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'm happy to be with her though.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: I couldn't do, I couldn't do the apps anymore.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: I had last time I was home, I saw my cousin on Tinder.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: And uh, yeah, that's not what you're looking for.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: We had to see each other in person five days later.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, Tommy, I saw you.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: On Tinder.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: What if I had accidentally swiped right?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, we would have matched.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: Ball's in your court, Courtney.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, incest crowd, that's pretty fun.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I wish I had more incest stuff.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: I've been doing a lot of small towns recently.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: They uh can go either way on the incest stuff.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes they love it, sometimes it's a little close to home.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: I love a small town.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: They're my favorite part of America.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: In the last month, I've done four towns underneath the population of a thousand because everything's kind of going according to plan for me.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: And small towns are obsessed with one thing about major cities.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: They're obsessed with the homeless population in bigger cities.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: Like, everywhere I go, they're like, New York, LA.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: The homeless, I could never but here's the thing they have homeless people too.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: They just call them town drunks and think that it's different.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: Like, okay, this just happened to me in a tiny town in Minnesota.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: This bartender goes, We've never had homeless people.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, that guy looks homeless.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, No, that's Carl.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: He lives in the park.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's Kirbside Carl, that's like one of my best friends, you dick.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: Don't talk shit about Carl.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: Me and him went back and forth for 10 minutes, and eventually he was like, Alright, fine, we have one homeless guy, but it's fine, because it's Carl.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: And we all know him.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, alright, that's cool, that's kind of endearing.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: And then I was driving away and I was like, wait a second.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: If your homeless problem is one guy, you can solve it.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: That's more fucked up than LA.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: Because this city might be beyond saving, but in that tiny little town, everyone could just get together and kill that guy.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: Carl's fine, you guys.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: Carl is just fine.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: I like doing political jokes in uh small towns, and I'm gonna do some political jokes here, and I want you to just keep those buttholes loose, because these are gonna be fun, okay?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: I understand the world's not dying for hot political takes from a guy who looks like he was homeschooled on a yacht.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: So these are fun.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: Just just hang with me here, right?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: The small towns are so much fun, because small towns range politically across America from like far right to like pretty far right.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: And it's it's nice knowing that because it's nice being in a place where you know what people believe in.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like in major cities, we've kind of shamed Republicans into hiding in a weird way.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: But that's not a better solution because they're still here, they're among us, they're sitting right in the front row.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I'm looking right at them.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm fucking around.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: You just got a little bit of a Don Jr.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: vibe to you.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: But uh I uh, yeah, I don't know.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: It's just too fun of a time to not talk about it.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: What an election season.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, we started this election season with an assassination attempt.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: What a world.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: I think we gotta learn something from it, you know.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: We I think everyone can learn something from these things.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: I learned I don't know what the word motive means.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: To this day, people are like, we gotta find the shooter's motive.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I think he was trying to shoot that guy.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's my hunch that I would follow.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: No one's asking me, but I don't think he was trying to blow him.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I just think not everything has a bigger, deeper meaning.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: When I watch men synchronize diving, blood rushes my penis.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: There's no motive.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: Stop looking into it.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: I think my least favorite take uh recently has been uh a lot of people on the right are criticizing uh Kamala for not having kids, uh biological children, and like that makes her unfit for to be president.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: We've had so many presidents married with kids.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: That bores me.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: I can't relate to that.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: Let's go the other way.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: I forget Kamala.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: I want like a painfully single president.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: I want like a like someone straight up in the White House on the apps.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I I want just like filling out a hinge profile, like we should go out if you also drone strike.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's like I just want someone having sex in the White House again.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: No one's fucking in there anymore, and it makes me sad.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: There's no way Joe and Jill are fucking.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: And Donald wasn't fucking consensually, and then you know, Michelle and Barack were, but that makes me too horny to even think about.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: And plus, they were making love.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: I'm talking like one night stands.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I want a fuck boy in the White House.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: I guess what I'm saying is I miss Bill Clinton.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: Uh this whole election has uh it's made me think about my grandpa, not the sex in the White House stuff, the rest of it.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's the last election cycle, we had uh my family had an interesting experience with my grandpa.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: In 2016, my grandpa was a huge Trump guy.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: He was a lifelong Republican, huge Trump guy in 2016.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: By 2020, a few of my sisters had come out of the closet as gay and pansexual, and they were a little more open with my grandparents about why they don't identify with the Republican Party.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: And my 86-year-old grandpa, to his credit, he goes, Fuck it.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: If they're against you, I'm against them.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: And he switched.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it was this beautiful thing.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: And he gave us this big speech.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, in 2016, I would have died voting for Donald Trump.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: In 2020, I'll die voting for Joe Biden.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: We were all like, hey man, you don't have to die.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: Chill out, relax, dude.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: And if you do die, we'll make sure you vote anyways, you know?
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: A couple times, maybe a couple different states.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: But uh the anniversary of his death was uh a couple months ago, and I was on the phone with my mom, and I was like, man, do you remember Pop's speech?
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: How cool that was.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: What a beautiful gift to give us.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: And she was like, Yeah, that was that was cool.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: I should tell you, he voted for Trump again.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: I think he got all the way there and he was like, it's gonna make me gay.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: I can't do it.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: You guys are lovely.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Tommy Brennan.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.