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Monday Mini: Traditions of Loss · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is any and Samantha, and welcome to Stephan.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I never told your protection of I R Radio, So Samantha,
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: I think I know the answer to this question, but
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: I shall ask it anyway. Are there any things that
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: you you really like but they're very sad as in like,
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: there are some movies I love but I know they're
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: going to really upset me, but I still love them.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: It's just a whole thing, like it has to be.
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: I have to prepare myself right. It's not something I
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: undertake lightly. I definitely have those things. I don't watch
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: those things anymore as much, I think, like everybody knows
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: at this point, because of the stress of any jobs
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: and just my overwhelming like empathy, like I can't and
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: I'm very depressive in general, and typically I love the
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: moments of like just being able to be sad. But
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: I think I so overwhelmed that it became a PTSD
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: thing for me from my job, from my childhood that
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: I had to try to avoid it altogether. But honestly,
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: for me and you and I've talked about this, I
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: do my best writing. I am the most creative when
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: I am the more depressed. But I have no energy
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: to follow through. So it's weird, but I have the
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: best ideas at that point, I feel like, right, I
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: love sad things. I will Samantha knows I will be
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: use like sad fan fiction and I'm just wrecked, Like
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: I get so into it and I'll get upset about
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: silly things I had said before. I cry return to
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: the Jedi half the time now and I've seen it
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: a million times, but I just I get so emotional. Um,
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: which actually relates to something we're talking about today, And
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: I guess trigger warning if you're not it's been a
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: rough couple of years for a lot of us. If
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: you're not looking to hear discussion on grief, you know,
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: maybe this one isn't for you. It's not gonna be
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: too sad. I don't think, but I get if it's tiring.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: I get I don't want to get into it. But
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: I'm also someone, as I've talked about, I'm really big
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: into traditions and numbers, and we have been talking a
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: lot about how important traditions are on this show and
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: how important routines can be, especially during stressful times. And
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: as this is coming out, we're we're trying to go
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: on vacations, so recording this very early, but as it's
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: coming out is the anniversary of my dad's death, so
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: I like already anticipating, well, what am I gonna do
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: that day? And it's just like a I don't know
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: how to feel about that that it's become a thing
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: where I'm like, I must, I must acknowledge it and
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: do something on that day. But that's got me thinking
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: about how how traditions can look when it comes to grief,
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: whether or not they're even healthy, and how how they
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: can be and how they can help you remember positive things.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: So yeah, I I have lost a lot of people
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: in the past two years, and I know a lot
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: of us have. I know I'm not alone in that,
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: and he hates it anytime. The other day, I was
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: like peeling a boiled egg, and I thought to myself,
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: oh man, my dad loved boiled eggs and he'll never
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: eat boil It sounds so silly, but it's those things.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: It's those little things that just hit you, right, Oh,
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: I am that person. Anything final, any of the finality
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: of it is never going to be this way again.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: I get wrecked. And I I have watched where I
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: watched videos or movies. But that is how I feel
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: about finales too, like the emptiness of it, all of it,
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: just ending feels so traumatic and it feels like you
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: or get are empty and you've just been like it's
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: taken away from you. And I felt that the same
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: way about um my grandmother, because I would have a
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: tradition where my drive home from work, I would call
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: her and it would be I think I told you
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: this A minute conversation at most it literally was hey, mama, Joyce,
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: how are you. She would tell me how good she was,
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: she was waiting for my call. She loves me. That's
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: the end. That's the end of the conversation, and that's
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: how quick it was. But she looked forward to hearing
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: from me every day around the same time I look
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: forward to hearing from her. And we may not have
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: said more than how are you good? Good good? My
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: my grandmother was one of those that did the three
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: peets yeah in words at the end of sentences. So good, good, good, happy,
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: happy happy. That's that was my grandmother. But when she
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: was gone, it felt so tragic, and even to this day,
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: like this is one of my favorite memories because I
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: don't have many traditions for myself. I really wish I did.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: I really wish I had that sentimentality. But growing up
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: and on the infensive till I was seven or eight,
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: I don't have that and I don't have the need
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: for that, which I feel like I have to fake sometimes,
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: and I wish I did. But that was one of
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: those things that I finally had that was mine and
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: that was ours. And then it's gone, and it's a
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: loss of a wonderful woman who loved me. And even
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: though it was we weren't the closest of people, just
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: that thirty second, one minute conversation was enough and to
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: be gone it felt so painful. And then I still
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: have her phone number saved into my phone. It's been
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: years since she's died. I've had new phones since then,
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: and I refused to delete it because just seeing it
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: there keeps that memory in my head. Yeah, and that's
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: that's really beautiful, And I think that's a good reminder
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: of you really don't appreciate the impact seemingly small things
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: can have on someone, but they do. So just keep
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: that in mind with the people in your life, Like
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: you know, those small messages of those little gestures can
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: mean so much, and I've I've thought about that too.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: Of uh, this sound really dark, But right before the pandemic,
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: a friend of mine wrote my eulogy for me because
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: I was saying, like, I think I'm going to be
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: remembered so poorly, and he wrote out this like two
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: page eulogy and it was so sweet and it was
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: like little things that he was like, oh, she would
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: do this, she would make sure to do this thing,
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: and this is all these little things that I didn't
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: really pick up on myself, but it was really sweet
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: to know like someone else had and that it did
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: matter to other people. So I think that is that's
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: really important. And um, I've heard that from a lot
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: of people too, of the kind of in our new
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: technology technological age where you do have people's phone numbers
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: in your phone, and you have might have a voicemail
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: and you will never delete it and just these kind
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: of artifacts of people. And that was one of the
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: biggest things that hit me is I don't have a
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: recording of my dad's voice anywhere. And that was really
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: upsetting because you were you'll forget and then it'll get erased. Yeah,
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: And recently Samantha and I ran the Peastree road Race.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: Like I said, though, it produced some of my favorite
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: pictures I've ever seen because we're both the miserable, so bad. Yeah,
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: it's an Atlantic tradition. It's been around since I think
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: what like late seventies, early eighties, eighties, and obviously didn't
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: happen last year because the pandemic. It was kind of
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: a virtual thing. But we did it. We were miserable,
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: but we completed it. Yes. Wearing the shirt currently, which
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: I really out of. It cracks me up. How it's like,
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: I have to get the shirt. It's a trophy. Let
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: me cut off the sleeves in the neck. The initial
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: conversation you and I had was me trying to figure
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: out how I can just get the shirt by coming
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: in halfway through. It didn't work, no, no, but I
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: think it could have. I don't know. I was trying
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: to figure it out. I actually want to come back
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: and talk about superstitions on a happy arc and I
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: think running superstitions I find very interesting. But I have
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: a lot of them, even though I'm not a really
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: superstitious person. If you were done been cursed for a wife,
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: you you're I think sometimes superstition and rituals can be
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: interchangeable because you definitely have to do some things, yes,
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: and you feel like you are very food oriented to
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: me when it comes to traditions, but there's some kind
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: of superstition behind it as well. That's true. I do
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: catch myself thinking like if I again, like if we're
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: talking about this, if I don't do this on this day,
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: something bad could happen, which is I think a lot
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: of us have that with traditions or when it comes
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: to like lucky shirts or whatever it is, it is
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: at its heart superstition perhaps. But one of the last
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: things my dad and I talked about was the Pree
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: Road Race, which is yes, the largest tin k in
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: the world. He and my mom used to run it
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: every year. He has story after story about it. There's
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: a really great picture of him in a bathup pull
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: of ice from it was like really funny ice packs
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: on his head. And that's about al we were feeling, right, Yes, yes,
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: and it's I had not run since the pandemic started
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: again and recently for this race, started doing it, and
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: I've forgotten how when I run all these like suppressed
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: emotions mountain me. I cry running not infrequently, which I
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: know is very weird, but I'll just have these thoughts
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: that I don't normally allow myself to think or sit with.
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: But it does feel like as I'm doing it, like
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: it's kind of across time that we're connected and that
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: he he imprinted this on me, or he gave this
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: to me, and I'm carrying it on and it feels
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: very painful but roaring, but also kind of strange when
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: I don't know, I'm just a very inquisitive person of like,
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: why are you doing this thing? And I'm like, is it?
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: Is it? Because he just did it, and so I
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: thought I had to do it, So I actually like it,
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: I think I do. Does anyone else have these questions?
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: The other one is vodka, which I think I've talked
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: about before when it comes to these grief traditions that
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: I have my aunts who both have died in the
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: past year and enjoyed vodka too. Uh, And vodka is
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: the last things my dad and I talked about, Samantha,
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: and like a host, Lauren, we went and got vodka
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: tasting at the place he talked about, which is Nikolai's
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: Ruf in Atlanta after the Peachtree Road Race and so
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: now it's become like a shot of vodka, and I'm
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: not sure because he didn't really like vodka. But there's
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: some last things we talked about. So yeah, I remember
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: it being a very big moment, like we needed to
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: do this, so we found a way to do this.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: We did, and I really appreciated that you both were like,
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: we will make this happen. Because Nikolai's Ruf is kind
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: of a fancy establishment here in Atlanta. Is also one
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: of those places where as Atlanta's we don't typically go
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: m hm. And so I was say, oh, yeah, I
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: think I've heard of this, but it's more touristy, maybe
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: like business first class level of tipe of thing that
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: I'm like, what are we doing? Where we going? But
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: I was like, okay, cool, I'm cool with it. Yes, yes,
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: it's in dragon Con territory as I call it. It's
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: one of the dragon Con hotels. But my uncle was
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: the one who like picked out the venue and he's
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: not from Atlanta, so that makes sense, makes sense, yep.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: And then I know, I know, I know, I know,
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: I've talked about Star Wars add Nauseaum here, but this,
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: this is the tradition that somehow feels different when I
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: watched them on Father's Day or the anniversary of my
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: dad's death than when we do it on Sunday, Sunday,
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: Sunday or any other time. It feels different when I
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: do it on these days. It feels like he's there,
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: Like I can almost hear him saying the lines, and yeah,
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: the whole his death and my eventual forgiveness of him
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: hash changed how I see these movies. Um, and he
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: is the one who introduced them to me. He is
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: the one that kind of fostered that love for them
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: in me. So every time it's just oddest I can
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: feel it. It's like I can feel the force or something.
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: And then Okay, so I'm not really religious. I don't
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: believe in an afterlife, but I constantly find myself thinking
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: that there is one. If there is one, he must
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: be disappointed in me. Like I'll catch myself being like
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: he would not like what am I doing with my life?
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: If he can see me right now, this is not
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: what he's going to be proud. Yeah, I think, yeah,
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: I'm similar. I was so religious for so long and
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: the idea of afterlife seems nice, but it doesn't completely
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: make sense to me, But because of the conflict of
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: what I grew up with with who I am now,
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: I kind of just ignore it altogether. But again in
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: my mind, I don't think for me, it wouldn't. I
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: have a lot of I would for people that I've
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: lost it must like you A while ago, a long
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: time ago, not to the depth, but several years ago,
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: I had like at one point I ended up going
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: to like eleven funerals in a year. It was an
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: incredible like what is going on? And I cursed type
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: of moment that I had, the moments of like, Okay,
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: they're happily in this and and and this is what
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: people need to move on, that they are living happily
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: in this dimension or this afterlife, whatever what not. But
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: I think part of me is also in that sense
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: of like they're so caught up in their own mistakes
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: and rectifying their own mistakes they have no time. And
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: perhaps it's more of that they're not disappointed but concerned
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: that didn't don't make the same mistakes as they do.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: Dirty what I would think, also, I'm really bad about well,
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: in comparison to these other people, I'm great. Maybe that's
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: really bad narcissistic attitude. But that's kind of like it's
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: better than that over there, So kudos to me, right
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: that comparison, so need you to change it to that? Okay, Oh,
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: it's so weird because we I mean we recently talked
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: about cyber stocking. It's kind of a weird, like it's
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: the spirit of someone watching me masturbate right now, Like
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: you don't want this thought in your head. You don't,
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: but there it is, and I put it in your head. Now,
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: I'm a groove religious my mind Jesus has always been watching.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: That's where I am well. Well to me, Also, that
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: makes it a bigger joke. I was like, you, you
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: messed up, man, you shouldn't be here. Time to give
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: up now, I mean, we've tried, but it's over. Yeah,
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: stop watching. I think it's pretty clear and we've been
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: very open about it that Samantha and I are both
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: people who, at least in my case, I don't want
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: to speak for you, but I laugh. But it doesn't
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: dismiss I'm not dismissing like pain or are the true
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: issues that are at the heart of these things. But
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: that's just how I cope. And I think sometimes people
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: misinterpret that. Especially in my life, I've misinterpreted that as
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: like she's fine. And that's not to say I'm not
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: fine either, but just I laugh. But there's pain there.
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: And as we've talked about mania times, when we talked
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: about grief, when we talked about PTSD, when we talked
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: about trauma, that we have to give allowance for everyone
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: to cope the way they can or have to just
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: monitoring health levels and true like, Okay, are you going
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: to damage your relationship here? Are you damaging yourself here? Sure?
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: But outside of that, we've got to let people cope
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: have as they need to and that people again grieve differently,
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: and that's okay, yes, yes, And I think as I
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: like work through work, work through all this, continue to
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: think about all this um it is. It is something
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: that is ongoing, and I know we talked about it
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: all the time, but it's it's even if you know
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: the facts, you're like, oh wow, I thought I was
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: okay with this, and then one day you're peeling an
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: egg and you're like, oh my god. Right. And and
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: also it has given me a new perspective on do
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: I want to heal other relationships in my life that
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: are are bad and and maybe I don't, but I've
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: started thinking about it, which I think is a good thing. Um,
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: even if the ultimate answers no, I think it's good
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: to ask the question. But yeah, these are just a
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: few things that I have on these grief traditions, on
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: these dates that I have made important, are are important, um,
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: But yeah, there's a million other tiny instances of connection.
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: Like my dad was really big into justice and very
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: big into dad jokes, and so am I, And there
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: are other things from him I learned that weren't great
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: that I catched myself doing too, but there was plenty
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: that was And I think that's it, you know, when
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: you embrace the fullness of somebody in their flaws and
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: what made them them, and those tiny things that you
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: put in the eulogy for your friend, for instance, like
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: that's recognizing them as a full person. So yeah, that's
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: just something that's been on my mind. And I hope
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: that all of you listeners out there, if you're dealing
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: with some type of grief that you're doing doing well
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: and allowing yourself that space, always feel free to contact us.
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: Our email is Stephanidia mom Stuff at iHeart media dot com.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: You can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: or on Instagram and Stuff We Never Told You. Thanks
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: as always to our super producer Christina, Thank you, and
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: thanks to you for listening. Stuff I Ever Told You
• 18:53
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