Latest / Terri Messenger's Genius Zone / Breaking the Cycle of Toxic Relationships

Transcript

Breaking the Cycle of Toxic Relationships · Terri Messenger's Genius Zone

• 0:01
  Hey, hey, hey, welcome to this week's edition of Terry
• 0:06
  Messenger's Genius Zone. And do you know what I love
• 0:10
  about doing this podcast the most?
• 0:14
  And that is that every time I meet a new coach, healer, or
• 0:19
  leader, I am learning something new.
• 0:23
  And what I can't wait to share with you on this show is a woman
• 0:30
  who spent over 18 years in corrections as a senior
• 0:37
  community corrections officer. In other words, in layman's
• 0:41
  terms, a parole officer. Now this lady, she has 2°.
• 0:47
  She certainly doesn't look like what you would expect a very
• 0:53
  strong, stoic parole officer to look like.
• 0:57
  So you're going to be very surprised and enlightened for
• 1:01
  the greater good when you see this beautiful lady.
• 1:04
  She's got 2° in psychology and criminology and, you know, being
• 1:10
  in the deep frontline experience, she knows all about
• 1:17
  what it's like to go through, you know, relationships that are
• 1:21
  toxic. Now, contrary to the fact that
• 1:25
  we might think that a bad relationship is where there is,
• 1:30
  you know, physical violence, she's gonna talk about the wheel
• 1:36
  of the power and control. And this is going to really be
• 1:42
  empowering. But when you stay to the end,
• 1:45
  you're also going to get a special technique.
• 1:49
  She's going to do something that is so powerful.
• 1:52
  It is if you know what emotional freedom technique is, if you
• 1:56
  know what neuro linguistic programming is, we'll think
• 2:00
  about this on steroids. And this is what you've got to
• 2:05
  look forward to. So grab yourself your favorite
• 2:07
  drink. And with no further ado, I am
• 2:11
  going to introduce the incredible, the great coach
• 2:15
  Carly Evans. Hello, Carly, How are you?
• 2:18
  Hello. Thank you.
• 2:19
  What an intro. I'm great.
• 2:20
  Thank you. Awesome.
• 2:23
  And of course, you're all the way in.
• 2:27
  Yep. Helpless in Australia, same
• 2:30
  place. Awesome, awesome.
• 2:33
  So we will get to meet each other very, very soon.
• 2:37
  And it is great to have you on the show, Carly.
• 2:41
  And you know, it's really interesting that you obviously
• 2:47
  got into the corrections industry because I always feel
• 2:52
  that people tend to have a passion for what they do.
• 2:57
  And even though sometimes it doesn't quite make sense, like I
• 3:00
  think you had some moments where there you spoke to me backstage
• 3:04
  about being in the court and suddenly hearing other people's,
• 3:09
  you know, domestic violence and things that were going on and
• 3:15
  thinking, oh, my gosh, and relating to it yourself.
• 3:18
  But what inspired you to become a corrections parole officer?
• 3:26
  I am I growing up I had several family members who were cops in
• 3:32
  London and one of them worked for Scotland Yard murder Squad
• 3:36
  and the Flying Squad, which was the drug squad, I think.
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  And I was just always fascinated with that.
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  I was always fascinated with the Cray twins, so London gangster
• 3:46
  mob bosses. It just always fascinated me
• 3:48
  growing up. And so my, my bookshelf was like
• 3:52
  this interesting contradiction it seemed between serial
• 3:56
  killers, true crime and hippie dippie energy work stuff.
• 4:00
  And it's, that's never changed. So I kind of always wanted to
• 4:04
  get into helping people. And, but the, the, you know, the
• 4:08
  interest in crime was really, really heavily there.
• 4:10
  So it kind of became a natural thing to study psychology and
• 4:14
  then forensic psychology at uni. And I kind of ended up in the
• 4:19
  role of a trainee probation officer in Brixton in southwest
• 4:22
  London, which was like a really meaty playground for serious
• 4:27
  violence, serious drug and addiction issues, lots of mental
• 4:32
  health problems and yeah, kind of any domestic violence issues
• 4:35
  as well. And everyone said to not go to
• 4:39
  this particular office when, after, when, after we finished
• 4:41
  our training. We, our training was two years.
• 4:44
  We kind of worked in an office and we studied a degree.
• 4:47
  And then you kind of got to select where you wanted to work.
• 4:50
  You kind of put your top three down.
• 4:51
  And everyone said don't go to Stockwell Rd.
• 4:53
  It's the worst place to work. So I put that.
• 4:55
  As my #1. Because it's the worst place to
• 4:58
  work. That also means it's the most
• 5:00
  interesting, right? So I've always been up and I
• 5:05
  absolutely loved the job. I loved it.
• 5:08
  It was everything that I wanted because I wanted to be kind of
• 5:12
  counselling people but not be a counsellor.
• 5:14
  I didn't want to be a psychologist, but I wanted to
• 5:16
  study psychology. I didn't know what it was at the
• 5:19
  time that was putting me off just doing those amazing roles.
• 5:24
  There's nothing taking away from those amazing roles.
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  But later on when I found coaching, which kind of really,
• 5:30
  you know, didn't really become a proper industry until even 97
• 5:34
  so. It wasn't really a thing.
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  That I had ever come across while I was doing, while I was
• 5:39
  kind of deciding what to do as a job.
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  But when I found coaching, I realized the reason that I
• 5:46
  didn't want to become a psychologist or a counsellor was
• 5:48
  because I didn't want to just sit with people talking about
• 5:51
  their problems for an hour. I'm all about solution.
• 5:54
  Focused therapy. So for me being a trainee parole
• 5:58
  officer, kind of ending up as that with my being, with that
• 6:01
  being my career really made a lot of sense in that I was doing
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  informal counselling. I was working with serious
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  criminals who, you know, a lot of them did want to change their
• 6:13
  lives. And my, my kind of biggest
• 6:15
  interest still now is what makes people's brains go there.
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  Like what? Not not what did you do, but
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  what happened to you to make you do the things that you've done.
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  That's what I love in coaching as well.
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  It's all, oh, you do so many different things.
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  You're a coach, you're a parole officer, you teach Reiki.
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  Aren't they all really different?
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  And for me, it's all the same shit.
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  It's helping people lean out the darkest corners of their mind so
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  they can. Step into the truth.
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  Of who they really are. And ultimately, I left
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  corrections because people are mandated to be there and a lot
• 6:51
  of people don't. Really care about changing.
• 6:54
  Yeah, well, this is true. No, I love what you just said.
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  And I I do feel that, you know, there's that correlation.
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  And, you know, it reminds me a little bit of a jigsaw puzzle
• 7:06
  where you kind of like you're doing this and you're doing
• 7:09
  that, and then all of a sudden everything kind of falls into
• 7:13
  place. It's like it makes sense.
• 7:14
  But, you know, it's interesting how you mentioned to me that you
• 7:19
  were, you know, sometimes standing in the court and
• 7:22
  recognizing that you were living what you were actually helping
• 7:28
  other people through. I mean, talk about the law of
• 7:32
  attraction or maybe I don't know what you'd call it, but can you
• 7:36
  explain that? Can you kind of talk us through
• 7:38
  that? Yeah.
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  I had my first realization that I was in a an abusive
• 7:43
  relationship essentially in 2008.
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  So I. Started as a.
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  Probation officer in 2007, in 2008 I trained in a domestic in
• 7:52
  running a domestic abuse programme to DV client.
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  I call, I prefer to call them clients, not offenders, rural
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  offenders in some way really. And so as I, I remember exactly
• 8:06
  where we're sitting in this room as we were being trained in
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  domestic violence and what they flashed up on the screen was
• 8:13
  what's called the power and control wheel.
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  Now, this was created by Duluth in Minnesota.
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  And these, I think they've really been extended.
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  They've extended these wheels massively since then.
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  There is not just the power and control wheel, there's the
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  equality wheel. There's lots and lots of
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  different wheels in different languages and different and fair
• 8:31
  LGBTQI communities. And they've really broadened it
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  since 2:00, 2008. But back then I remember looking
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  at this power and control wheel and along the top there's
• 8:42
  physical violence as just this one finish line, really.
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  And then it's kind of, if you imagine like, you know, like the
• 8:49
  wheel of life is split into kind of slices.
• 8:51
  Almost. Yeah, it's like the wheel of
• 8:54
  life, but more the wheel of violence.
• 8:57
  And so think that domestic violence is just about physical
• 9:01
  violence. And that when I saw the power
• 9:03
  and control wheel, which is all about coercive control, which
• 9:06
  was never really talked about massively back then, but it
• 9:09
  really is being talked about a lot now.
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  When I saw that wheel, I just thought, holy shit, that's my
• 9:15
  relationship. There's so many things on there
• 9:18
  that are going on in my relationship.
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  And at the time, I was in a relationship with a guy who had
• 9:24
  been diagnosed with bipolar disorder during our time
• 9:28
  together. He was in psychosis for the
• 9:31
  first half of our relationship and then he was in major
• 9:34
  depression for the last half of our relationship and there was
• 9:37
  so much in that power and control wheel.
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  You know I was going to work. At the Stockwell.
• 9:43
  Road office in Brixton and then on my lunch breaks sometimes I
• 9:47
  was going to see him in a psych ward round the corner.
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  It was pretty. It was a pretty messed up period
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  of. Time in my life and I just
• 9:55
  remember looking at all the different things on this wheel,
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  which include financial abuse, coercive control, emotional
• 10:02
  abuse, mental abuse, manipulation, using children as
• 10:05
  pawns, you know, all these kind of things.
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  And I just had this aha moment. I was like, that's what's going
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  on in my relationship. Does that mean that I'm being
• 10:15
  abused? And even still then, I mean,
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  that was that was one of many future, even abusive
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  relationships, long term abusive relationships where I was still
• 10:27
  never hit and I still didn't necessarily identify it as abuse
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  when it was happening or I became an expert in domestic
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  abuse in my career and ended up working.
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  With Really, really seriously. Violent, dangerous offenders
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  who, who do that, who use all the tactics of coercive control
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  on that power and control wheel. So we've got 8 and I think you
• 10:56
  mentioned, you know most of them.
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  So we've got using intimidation. Yep, threats.
• 11:03
  Yep, threats using emotional abuse, shaming.
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  You're tripping using isolation. What what's that all about?
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  What's the isolation thing? Yeah, So this happens in so many
• 11:18
  relationships. So, you know, you know, at the
• 11:20
  start of a relationship where you're being essentially love
• 11:23
  bombed. Even in healthy relationships,
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  we do this right where you, you know, you're, you're in lust for
• 11:28
  that person and you're giving them loads of compliments and,
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  and that's how even these unhealthy, toxic relationships
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  start. But the love bombing is quite
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  obsessive. And then you're kind of you're,
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  you're hooked in, you're reeled in by that person.
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  And then gradually over time, they'll just start making
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  comments like, Oh, I don't like the way that that friend talks
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  to you. Oh, I don't.
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  I don't. Think your best friend has your
• 11:51
  best interests at heart? Oh, I don't think your dad likes
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  me very much. And you know, you'll be so in
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  love with that person at that point that it will be harder to
• 12:01
  spend time with the people, the other people that you love
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  because of the consequences that then occur with your partner.
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  As in having big blow up, blow up arguments or, you know, or
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  getting that passive aggressive, they don't speak to you for
• 12:15
  three days or whatever it might be.
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  You know, so gradually over time, it just it's harder to,
• 12:23
  it's harder to still be you. People become themselves because
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  they stop being who they really are.
• 12:29
  They stop doing the things that they love.
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  They stop wearing the makeup that they like wearing or the
• 12:34
  clothes that they like wearing. They stop seeing the people that
• 12:36
  they like hanging out with all because their partner doesn't
• 12:39
  like it. And if they do those things, it
• 12:43
  just becomes such a drama that it's just easier not to do them
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  anymore. And then in that way, you become
• 12:49
  really isolated and it's just about you and your partner then,
• 12:52
  right? That's interesting.
• 12:54
  That's a really interesting one. And of course, minimizing, I
• 12:58
  think this one is sort of, you know, it can go very under the
• 13:03
  radar where, you know, even if they doubt you, you've got that
• 13:09
  partner that tries to sort of instill that self doubt, like
• 13:14
  you're being silly, You're just making it up, minimizing your
• 13:18
  own ability to believe in yourself, I suppose, which is
• 13:23
  basically gaslighting, right? And minimizing, buying victim
• 13:27
  blaming. It's all in your head.
• 13:28
  You're being crazy, you know, and, and, and there's also
• 13:33
  systemic gaslighting too, right? So, so a woman will go to the
• 13:37
  doctor with symptoms of really vague symptoms that could be
• 13:41
  anything. It could be low iron, it could
• 13:42
  be burnout, it could be anxiety, it could be depression.
• 13:45
  Or she might just be in an abusive relationship and be
• 13:48
  displaying all these symptoms and then suddenly diagnosed with
• 13:52
  something like depression or anxiety, gets put on medication,
• 13:55
  and then her partner uses that as a labeling tactic.
• 14:02
  Oh, see, I told you you're crazy.
• 14:04
  Or we'll talk to you. Like how many times have have
• 14:07
  you heard or has the audience heard about my crazy ex partner?
• 14:11
  You know, like that, say, oh. My ex was a right crazy bitch.
• 14:17
  And they say that's a red flag. Now, apparently if if you hear
• 14:21
  someone going on my crazy ex-wife or my crazy ex-husband,
• 14:26
  apparently that's that's actually a red flag.
• 14:29
  What's that for that person? Because what is it?
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  It's it, what would you call that apart from, you know, is,
• 14:36
  is, is that narcissistic? Do you think is he are these
• 14:39
  kind of narcissistic behaviours? Yeah, it can definitely be a
• 14:44
  trait of narcissism. Narcissism for sure.
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  We've all got narcissistic traits.
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  It's on a spectrum, you know, but when when you've got that
• 14:51
  when when you hear that one person who all their partners
• 14:55
  seem and and I I could now put myself in this position right,
• 14:59
  because I talk about all my relationships being unhealthy.
• 15:02
  But when you hear someone saying my ex was just a crazy psycho,
• 15:08
  my ex was, you know, she was a slut, she was an alcoholic, she
• 15:12
  was a junkie, she was a shit parent, whatever it might be.
• 15:15
  It's like, OK, but there was also you in that relationship,
• 15:18
  right? Yeah, yeah, that's right.
• 15:21
  Was was she where where did all those behaviours come from?
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  Because I, I do see a lot of victim survivors of domestic
• 15:31
  abuse with addiction issues with unhealthy coping strategies
• 15:37
  with, you know, on medication for various diagnosis that
• 15:40
  they've been given, when actually a lot of it is a trauma
• 15:43
  response and a coping tool and a survival tactic.
• 15:47
  There are different ways of talking about your ex partners
• 15:50
  where you can be respectful. And even if they treated you in
• 15:54
  a not great way, I take full ownership and responsibility for
• 15:58
  the fact that I was I attracted those partners and that I stayed
• 16:02
  in those relationships for so long.
• 16:03
  Absolutely. Look, I, I, yeah, because.
• 16:07
  Users will use you. Yeah, absolutely.
• 16:10
  And I, I, I feel there is a lot to be said about the parent that
• 16:17
  holds back and doesn't speak down about their partner.
• 16:23
  And there's a lot to be said about the partner that speaks
• 16:27
  down about the partner as well. And I think this is where #5
• 16:32
  using children. And this is like, to me, this is
• 16:36
  just one of the lowest things you can possibly do to drag your
• 16:41
  kids into a situation. Because even like we'll go to
• 16:46
  radio now the guy, do you deal with people where the shoe is on
• 16:50
  the other foot? Because I can tell you right now
• 16:53
  this guy, he he's been he's been in this situation.
• 16:57
  And I know this is just going to open up a can of worms for him.
• 17:01
  But where he lost his children and all of these elements
• 17:07
  happened where obviously it's it's not about the the man
• 17:11
  abusing the woman, but where she has, you know, deprived not just
• 17:16
  her kids, but him as well in the situation.
• 17:19
  I know he won't mind me saying it because he's quite public
• 17:22
  about it. But you know what, what are
• 17:26
  people using their children for? Are they using them like to, to
• 17:31
  sort of like blackmail or, you know.
• 17:35
  Yeah, it's essentially it's still all pound control, right?
• 17:39
  Like when when those when, when they're not together as partners
• 17:42
  anymore, they're still bonded because they're parents to the
• 17:44
  same kids. And so that's the way that they
• 17:47
  can still get power and control over their ex partner.
• 17:51
  And you know, especially when a new partner comes on board, you
• 17:54
  know, things might kind of seem to go OK with Co parenting for a
• 17:58
  while. And then if a new partner comes
• 17:59
  on board and they're really, really jealous, then their
• 18:02
  parenting arrangement will all go to shit.
• 18:04
  And you know, I feel, I feel so sorry for kids in that
• 18:09
  situation. I mean, children's court, family
• 18:11
  court, whole different ball game to Criminal Court.
• 18:14
  And I could never have worked in that system.
• 18:17
  It's just awful hearing how kids are growing up being, you know,
• 18:24
  essentially being fed lies and stories about the other parent
• 18:28
  and sometimes believing it, sometimes siding with the parent
• 18:31
  who's saying the lies. Because when you grow up with a
• 18:33
  narcissistic parent, especially, they're extremely good actors.
• 18:38
  And a child will learn to essentially manipulate the
• 18:43
  situation themselves because that's also a strategy and the
• 18:46
  coping tool, the survival mechanism where they understand
• 18:49
  that if they, if they, what's the word fawn essentially?
• 18:55
  So now there's, you know, there used to be just fight or flight.
• 18:58
  Now there's fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.
• 19:00
  Fawning is really about kind of going along with the narcissist
• 19:05
  version of events. To give yourself.
• 19:08
  An easier life because if you don't do that, there's
• 19:11
  punishments for them when they're staying with that
• 19:13
  parent. And it's just, it's so I've seen
• 19:17
  so many friends in that, in that situation as well.
• 19:20
  It's so toxic and awful. The abuse doesn't end when the
• 19:23
  relationship ends when you're a parent.
• 19:24
  Unfortunately. It's so the justice system is
• 19:29
  not a justice system. It's an evidence system and the
• 19:32
  family court, it's massively archaic and overrides any
• 19:38
  anything that happens in Criminal Court too.
• 19:40
  So I had so many really dangerous offenders on my
• 19:44
  caseload. Who should not have had any time
• 19:47
  with their kids at all because, you know, their kids have seen
• 19:50
  them try and strangle their mother in front of them, had
• 19:53
  watched them try and kill, kill their parent, you know, and, and
• 19:58
  had abused the the kids in various different ways.
• 20:00
  May not have physically punished them, but lots and lots of
• 20:03
  emotional and mental abuse. And they should not have been
• 20:07
  around those kids but the family court system.
• 20:10
  Who believes that? There should be 5050, you know,
• 20:13
  shared custody that both parents should be in their lives.
• 20:16
  And so you have someone who is extremely dangerous and a
• 20:20
  violent person. And we could put the kids at
• 20:24
  risk who is subject to a family violence restraining order that
• 20:27
  has the children written on it on the the order to protect them
• 20:30
  too. And family court can override
• 20:33
  that as an order. And it's disgusting.
• 20:36
  It's just one of the many that just rushed my brain massively
• 20:42
  when I did that job. That's the it's a crazy world.
• 20:46
  And it's sort of like the last three using male privilege or
• 20:50
  gender power, using economic abuse.
• 20:55
  Yeah. Like what sort of is that where
• 20:58
  you're controlling finances or. Yeah.
• 21:01
  So if you imagine, you know, if you imagine that the the partner
• 21:04
  has set it up. So the the partner has set it up
• 21:06
  so that the mother, when she has the kids, has no job or no,
• 21:10
  maybe has no education. Maybe she's maybe they've got
• 21:12
  together young. She didn't finish school.
• 21:15
  She had the kids. She's never had a job.
• 21:17
  And then he is controlling all the finances because he's the
• 21:21
  one making the money. And maybe all her Centrelink
• 21:23
  payments go into his bank account.
• 21:25
  Or, you know, he controls her. He pays for her phone, He pays
• 21:28
  for her car if she's got 1, you know, So if someone else has
• 21:32
  full control over all of those things, you have no
• 21:34
  independence. So leaving that situation is
• 21:38
  really difficult. And there's so much judgement
• 21:39
  around women who stay in abusive relationships.
• 21:41
  Like, why doesn't she just leave?
• 21:43
  The better question is, why doesn't he stop abusing her?
• 21:47
  That's the question to ask. And so if if she's got no
• 21:52
  economic independence and maybe she's not from this country,
• 21:56
  maybe she has no community here, maybe she's just got him and the
• 22:01
  kids, like what do you do? What would anyone do in that
• 22:03
  situation? How do you get the money
• 22:05
  together to be able to leave and to to get I mean, rent is so
• 22:08
  expensive, let alone buying your own house when you have a job
• 22:12
  and you don't have any money, so.
• 22:13
  How are you supposed? To do anything except for try
• 22:16
  and get into a refuge, which is temporary.
• 22:19
  You know, there's very sexual people help out there, but
• 22:22
  there's also a lot of people who need that help.
• 22:24
  And so there are wait lists for everything.
• 22:27
  So that's what economic abuse is all about and then using male
• 22:30
  privilege we really there is an amazing book that I feel like
• 22:34
  every single person on the planet should read, including
• 22:37
  guys. And for what this is really,
• 22:39
  really angry making it's called Sexy but Psycho by Doctor
• 22:43
  Jessica Taylor. She's in the UK.
• 22:46
  It's an amazing book, but you'll definitely get angry.
• 22:51
  I definitely go angry Psycho, I love that.
• 22:54
  But psycho. And it's, it's an amazing book.
• 22:57
  And she basically talked to you through the history of what it's
• 23:00
  like to be a woman. And it wasn't really that long
• 23:02
  ago in the grand scheme of history that we were legally
• 23:04
  men's property. We weren't legally able to vote,
• 23:09
  have a job, you know, own property.
• 23:12
  And so I'm a big fan of energetic, you know, what we
• 23:18
  hold in our cellular memory, you know, and intergenerational
• 23:23
  trauma, but there's also cultural trauma.
• 23:25
  There's also all these threads that have come down and it's not
• 23:28
  really, it's not that long ago that we were legally men's
• 23:32
  property when we weren't legally men's property anymore.
• 23:35
  Then we were witches and burned at the stake.
• 23:39
  And then when that, when that wasn't the thing and yeah, I, I
• 23:43
  was probably burned, but I came back as a in this lifetime.
• 23:46
  And then when that didn't happen anymore because it couldn't
• 23:48
  happen legally anymore, then we were labeled as hysterical.
• 23:51
  And literally the intervention for that was having was was
• 23:56
  giving us hysterectomies when really all we had was we it was
• 24:03
  that. Time of the month.
• 24:05
  Or we were going through how crazy is it that these things
• 24:09
  ever happened, right? And did you read the book The
• 24:12
  Hysterical Woman? No, no, that's good on.
• 24:15
  A problem. My, I, I didn't know that, but
• 24:18
  my husband Ian always talked about that book and it was about
• 24:25
  the hysteria and the hysterectomy and all tied in
• 24:32
  with that and why it's so important, you know, for women
• 24:38
  to, to, to have that, that part of them.
• 24:40
  But I was always very curious but about it.
• 24:43
  But he, he said that the book did walk off his shelf because
• 24:47
  it was quite a a popular one, But that, that sexy and psycho
• 24:52
  one. I'm definitely going to be
• 24:55
  you've been into that. You actually realize how these
• 25:00
  cultural attitudes are still so deeply ingrained and how they're
• 25:04
  still labeled as psychos like, and how women are labeled as
• 25:08
  sluts if they like sleeping with a few guys, whereas a guy is a
• 25:11
  player and, and that's a cool thing, you know, like there's.
• 25:15
  Really. Different threads in that and
• 25:18
  there's so many, it just feeds into so much just male
• 25:23
  entitlement attitudes around women and and you know, and guys
• 25:28
  in guys that were supervising. On parole would even.
• 25:30
  Say things to me like, you know, when they're explaining about
• 25:33
  what their ex is currently up to, you know, Oh, you know what
• 25:35
  you women are like. I'm like really tell me what US
• 25:39
  women are like one of your friends, please.
• 25:42
  And I'd be like, let's have a chat, shall we?
• 25:45
  Yeah, exactly. To talk about generalizing.
• 25:49
  Hey, Oh my gosh. The last one was number 8 was
• 25:54
  using coercion and threats, which I feel like you've really
• 25:58
  sort of covered anyway, but yeah.
• 26:02
  But is it possible that people, you know, when you see this,
• 26:07
  this wheel of power and control, is it about the fact that
• 26:11
  they've, they've got them all? Or is it just, it can be in
• 26:16
  there by having two or three? Because you can you look through
• 26:19
  it and you go Oh yeah, I can see that person or I can see that
• 26:23
  person and you can see different elements and maybe not all of
• 26:29
  them, but does do people actually have all of those?
• 26:34
  I've definitely met people with all of them.
• 26:36
  Yeah, 100% yeah, yeah. My caseload after 18 years in
• 26:40
  the in the job was primarily people that were never going to
• 26:43
  change, you know, so they they did employ all those tactics and
• 26:48
  also. You know when you think.
• 26:51
  About the victim rescuer perpetrator wheel, this can also
• 26:54
  kind of they, they do crossover and and a victim rescuer type
• 26:59
  helper type person, you know, like narcissism is the opposite
• 27:04
  of being an empath. You can also turn into a
• 27:07
  perpetrator and use the same kind of tactics that are on the
• 27:11
  power and control wheel as a survival mechanism.
• 27:14
  So ultimately, these unhealthy abusive relationships don't
• 27:19
  bring out your best self. They don't.
• 27:21
  Nobody is their best self in that kind of relationship.
• 27:24
  And so you become shell of yourself, but you also become a
• 27:28
  person that you don't even like anymore, like someone who speaks
• 27:31
  to your partner, you know, as a, in a reactive way instead of a,
• 27:36
  you know, instead of an assertive way.
• 27:39
  You're constantly reacting instead of responding.
• 27:41
  So you do become partly perpetrator yourself.
• 27:45
  Yeah, absolutely. You know, you, you live it and
• 27:49
  you, you become it. It's just how it is, you know.
• 27:53
  And I I can remember hearing a a saying once that I don't want to
• 27:59
  necessarily marry the better man out of the two, but I want to
• 28:03
  marry the man that makes a better me.
• 28:06
  And I thought, you know, that was an interesting concept that
• 28:12
  you know, who brings out the best in you and what that means
• 28:17
  and, and how we change because we can have complete, let's face
• 28:23
  it, with who we are, rubbing shoulders with, who we are
• 28:26
  living with. And everything will have an
• 28:30
  impact on the way that we are, our personality, the way we
• 28:35
  behave, the way we feel. And you know, if if we were
• 28:39
  going to roll all of this into one, you being such an
• 28:42
  incredible coach and I, I feel that that that word is probably
• 28:47
  very underestimated for you. I feel like that there is a much
• 28:53
  bigger and broader term because you know, and and when I say
• 28:57
  this, that the self love killers that you have obviously lived by
• 29:05
  and what you believe for radical acceptance, unshakeable
• 29:10
  boundaries, authentic expression, recognition and
• 29:15
  release and and even prosperity and wealth and embodying the
• 29:20
  shiny you. And let's face it, we all want
• 29:23
  that, right? Who doesn't want to be that
• 29:25
  shiny, prosperous, wealthy, released authentic expression of
• 29:34
  the person that we are, with unshakeable boundaries and
• 29:37
  radical acceptance? And yet this is what your master
• 29:42
  key is, and it's all around self love.
• 29:47
  It is. Please explain.
• 29:49
  Yeah, so this was something that I came to much later in life and
• 29:55
  I I had, I started doing personal development stuff when
• 29:58
  I was 21 and I'm 44 now. So it's been.
• 30:00
  Quite a while. And I have just relentlessly,
• 30:03
  constantly worked on myself while also building my business
• 30:06
  and working with other people. And I came from a healthy,
• 30:10
  loving family. I have generally always been a
• 30:13
  confident, happy, outgoing person.
• 30:16
  I love fun. I've got lots of humour in my
• 30:19
  life, I've got amazing friends. I find it really easy to talk to
• 30:24
  people and make friends. I've had an amazing career, so a
• 30:26
  lack of self love and self worth was not an obvious thing for me
• 30:30
  to work on at all. I wouldn't have identified with
• 30:32
  that until I kind of I was listening.
• 30:36
  I remember I was living in Two Rocks at the time and I was
• 30:39
  walking on the beach I think, and I was listening to a podcast
• 30:43
  and it was actually about money. And back then I was in a
• 30:46
  financial hole. I was like 53 grand in debt.
• 30:48
  My house was in mortgage collections, but I was earning
• 30:52
  lots of money and I was like, where is it all going?
• 30:54
  I was being financially partner, that's where it was all going.
• 30:58
  But I was also allowing that because I had crap boundaries,
• 31:01
  people policing tenancies, and I was letting myself be
• 31:03
  financially abused. So she said on this podcast,
• 31:07
  your wealth will only grow to the extent that you do.
• 31:10
  And it was like a Bing. And there was another podcast
• 31:14
  that I listened to that day, and I had another aha moment and I
• 31:16
  couldn't remember what it was about, but I had this
• 31:20
  realisation that myself worth was the problem, Myself worth
• 31:26
  was the reason that I kept attracting.
• 31:28
  These. Toxic relationships into my life
• 31:30
  and and it's like I'd over the course of my years in personal
• 31:35
  development, I had been able to set boundaries with friends,
• 31:40
  with clients, with colleagues, but not in relationships, not in
• 31:45
  intimate relationships. It was like a piece of the
• 31:48
  puzzle that I couldn't seem to get right.
• 31:50
  And I was just constantly working on myself, trying to
• 31:54
  make the relationship better. But you can't, you can't.
• 31:58
  It's just like sprinkling glitter on a turd, isn't it?
• 32:00
  If you're in a ship, make an unhealthy relationship a good
• 32:05
  one unless you're both working on it together.
• 32:07
  So there's me trying to sprinkle like just glitter bumps all the
• 32:10
  time, just trying to make everything shinier.
• 32:13
  But. But I was missing the biggest
• 32:15
  piece of the puzzle and needed to do Project Self Worth and
• 32:18
  that's what I called it. There was a few of my
• 32:20
  girlfriends at the time who ran businesses over in the UK who
• 32:24
  were also experiencing similar things.
• 32:27
  And so I said, let's get together and just work on
• 32:30
  ourselves. Let's turn ourselves into the
• 32:32
  project because we're so used to rescuing our people and enabling
• 32:35
  other people ultimately that let's just turn inwards.
• 32:40
  And not that we weren't working loads on ourselves, but I was
• 32:42
  like, fuck everything else, he's my French, let's just turn it
• 32:45
  into Project Self Worth for a change.
• 32:47
  So I built up this Project Self Worth playlist in YouTube for
• 32:50
  myself and it is full of EFT tapping, it's full of subliminal
• 32:56
  audios, affirmations, hypnosis. There's even a like yoga for
• 33:02
  opening up the heart chakra. There's all this stuff in there.
• 33:06
  Just did it like a mofo all day long.
• 33:08
  Just focused on that and any on YouTube that was remotely
• 33:13
  related to self worth, like, you know, tappings for you're
• 33:16
  worthy, you're good enough, but also dealing with difficult
• 33:19
  people, having difficult conversations because you know,
• 33:22
  as someone who has a lack of self love, you don't speak up
• 33:26
  for yourself. You don't speak your truth.
• 33:28
  You, you know, your your voice is blocked when it comes to
• 33:31
  conflict. You enable people behaviour.
• 33:35
  You don't speak your mind when you really should be, and so you
• 33:40
  tiptoe around other people's emotional responses.
• 33:44
  So, so there was loads of that kind of stuff in this playlist
• 33:47
  as well. And so I just did it constantly,
• 33:50
  constantly worked on myself, love stuff, not even really
• 33:54
  understanding where it came from for a really long time where
• 33:56
  where these where the issues would come from.
• 33:59
  And so after a couple of years of doing this, this playlist, I
• 34:02
  was in a relationship with the guy for eight years.
• 34:05
  We were living in two rocks and he just used to speak to me like
• 34:09
  I was a shit on the bottom of his shoe.
• 34:11
  Honestly, he and I now I look back on it and I just think,
• 34:14
  would I even want to be friends with this person?
• 34:17
  I wouldn't. He's worthy of being anyone's
• 34:20
  friend to be honest. And and I, I would, you know, he
• 34:25
  would say something and it would hit.
• 34:27
  Me, you know, like and even up until recently, I still had his
• 34:30
  voice in my head if I was cooking or hanging in the
• 34:33
  washing out or. Putting the bins out, you know,
• 34:36
  it's like you're, you're messing it up, you're doing it wrong.
• 34:38
  Why are you doing it like that? Constant, constant duration of
• 34:42
  me. And what would happen normally
• 34:46
  is he'd say something to me and it would just hit me in my solar
• 34:48
  plexus and I'd be like, Ouch. And then I'd go away and I'd do
• 34:52
  laundry or something. And I'd, my intention was to go
• 34:55
  away and think about it. Because I'm a very kinesthetic
• 34:57
  person. When I feel something, before I
• 34:59
  can put it into words, I really have to reflect on it for a
• 35:01
  while. Some, some people see that as
• 35:04
  running away from the situation, but I'm like, I'd need time to
• 35:07
  get my head together, you know, So I would go away and try and
• 35:10
  get my head together and think about what I should say back to
• 35:13
  him. And by then, the moment had well
• 35:15
  and truly passed. He was in a better mood and I
• 35:17
  wouldn't want to rock the boat. Yes, life for a really long
• 35:22
  time. And then the day that I realized
• 35:26
  Project Self. Worth was working.
• 35:28
  Was he said, I can't even remember what he said to me.
• 35:30
  It was something pretty standard for him.
• 35:32
  He said something to me and I turned around and I said
• 35:35
  something back to him that was really assertive.
• 35:37
  It wasn't passive aggressive. It wasn't aggressive, but it was
• 35:40
  letting him know. I'm not willing to tolerate
• 35:44
  that. Yeah, how you speak to me like
• 35:46
  that anymore. And I was so shocked by what
• 35:49
  came out of my mouth that I literally turned around to said
• 35:52
  it because I because I didn't even have to think about saying
• 35:57
  it, which was so good for me. I didn't have to go away and do
• 36:00
  laundry and then about it, let the moment pass.
• 36:02
  It just came out. I was like, Oh my God, Oh my
• 36:05
  God, where did that come from? And he was stunned.
• 36:09
  I think. I think we were both as stunned
• 36:11
  as each other. And that's the day that I
• 36:13
  realized it was working. And that was like the start of
• 36:16
  the end of our relationship. You know, there was still
• 36:19
  waiting for me to go because I I'm the kind of person who if
• 36:22
  I'm committed to someone, I will literally give it my all until
• 36:26
  I've run myself ragged trying to make it work, Which, you know, I
• 36:30
  should have left probably in the first year, not eight years in.
• 36:34
  But I, yeah, that was, I ended that in 2018.
• 36:38
  And the next one was like a whirlwind where it was another
• 36:43
  abusive relationship, but really not at all obvious in the first
• 36:46
  few weeks. Really, really intense, really
• 36:49
  short ultimately, but broke my eye when I left that eight-year
• 36:52
  relationship. I just felt so relieved, so
• 36:55
  really realized I'd fallen out of love with him so many years
• 36:58
  ago and this eight-month relationship ended.
• 37:02
  I was broken beyond belief. I was like I was I'd never been
• 37:06
  that heartbroken before and I had all this core wounding
• 37:10
  coming up about abandonment and rejection.
• 37:13
  Really, really, you know, like personal development stuff
• 37:16
  doesn't necessarily get easier when you get to the you just get
• 37:21
  and the deeper layers are more hectic, but you become more.
• 37:24
  Willing to deal with it because you know, wow, if this is really
• 37:27
  really heavy there's. Massive lightness on the other
• 37:30
  side of this, when I clear it, when I heal it.
• 37:32
  Yeah, absolutely. I just didn't understand where
• 37:35
  this abandonment and rejection came from because all my
• 37:37
  psychology training taught me this should come from childhood.
• 37:40
  And all I remember is growing up in a healthy, loving, stable
• 37:43
  family. Yeah, we had our issues, but.
• 37:46
  It is a really good. Family unit and I love my bits.
• 37:50
  So I literally had to call my mum and say can you tell me
• 37:54
  about what I don't remember from when I was a baby, from when I
• 37:57
  was a toddler. This is what's coming up from me
• 38:00
  right now. This is where it should come
• 38:02
  from. But I don't I don't get it
• 38:03
  because that's never how I felt. I don't I've never felt
• 38:06
  abandoned by you. I just felt loved.
• 38:10
  So then recalled because she had literally forgotten the fact
• 38:15
  that I'm the eldest of three and my brother was born 15 months
• 38:19
  later. My mum was having a really hard
• 38:21
  time post Natal depression, double pneumonia, having a
• 38:24
  really rough time with lots of different things and couldn't
• 38:27
  cope with two kids. And so she's from Holland
• 38:31
  originally and she was living in the UK with my dad.
• 38:33
  But to help out, my very loving grandparents came and picked me
• 38:38
  up from Holland and took me to Holland for three months, six
• 38:42
  months. My mum doesn't even remember
• 38:43
  because she was just in a fog and he didn't see me during that
• 38:48
  time. She doesn't even know she spoke
• 38:50
  to me during that time because, you know, mobile phones weren't
• 38:52
  a thing. And then she I said to her, what
• 38:59
  happened when you got me back? And.
• 39:02
  She said Carly, I just realised it was the worst thing I ever
• 39:05
  could have done because you couldn't look at me for weeks.
• 39:09
  And when she said that, something just in my heart just
• 39:12
  broke for baby Carly. I just thought.
• 39:15
  Just like how awful must that have been for her to get first
• 39:20
  very much wanted child back, very much loved and missed child
• 39:26
  back. And I couldn't look at her for
• 39:27
  weeks. Which is that's that's AI don't
• 39:30
  trust you. You've abandoned me.
• 39:32
  Yeah. And you found.
• 39:35
  That's so cool. I love you.
• 39:38
  You did your study. And this is this is what I love
• 39:42
  about NLP. And we're going to jump into the
• 39:45
  modality now because it can go to that route of the problem and
• 39:55
  literally pull it out. And you did something very
• 39:59
  powerful through your psychology because you did detective work
• 40:04
  and you were able to ascertain that.
• 40:08
  Hang on a minute. This is what it looks like, what
• 40:12
  you know, rejection and abandonment looks like in a
• 40:17
  small child. And, you know, and, and it's
• 40:21
  sometimes it's not even, it's the way we perceived it like
• 40:26
  that. So that small child may have
• 40:29
  really missed her mum and not understood it where the mother
• 40:33
  may have needed that time. But then it doesn't take away
• 40:37
  from the fact that that is exactly how it was and the fact
• 40:41
  that you were able to, you know, discover that as well, which is
• 40:46
  incredible. And I know that this is what
• 40:47
  you're doing for people that, you know, you've got such a
• 40:52
  wealth of knowledge and you've got so much experience.
• 40:55
  And, and I feel that people can come to you and, and, and feel
• 41:00
  like they can enter into your space without any judgement and
• 41:04
  know that it doesn't matter what they've done, where they've
• 41:08
  been. You look at what was the reason
• 41:13
  you did that rather than, oh, you did that.
• 41:17
  And I feel that that is something that is so, so, so
• 41:21
  special. However, we are going to honor
• 41:24
  our promise and we are going to move into our magic modality.
• 41:30
  So tell me how you'd like to set this up.
• 41:33
  Do you want to set this up so you're speaking to the, I mean,
• 41:36
  you're going to be speaking to the whole audience that gets to
• 41:38
  listen to this anyways, or do you need me to answer any
• 41:43
  questions? What I will do is I'll, I'll ask
• 41:48
  the questions. Normally the client would answer
• 41:51
  these out loud, but what I'm going to get the audience to do
• 41:54
  and. You to do is just.
• 41:55
  Go with it and answer for yourself silently.
• 41:59
  So and, and people can replay this right and go back over it
• 42:03
  again and do the same on a different, on a different
• 42:06
  emotion. So essentially this is a
• 42:08
  combination. This is an amazing technique
• 42:10
  that was created by my dear friends Sedanta and Devi Ananda
• 42:14
  in New Zealand and incredible technique where they've
• 42:20
  basically combined EFT tapping. So EFT stands for emotional
• 42:24
  freedom technique, Neuro linguistic programming, hypnotic
• 42:28
  induction, guided visualisation. It's just like it literally is
• 42:32
  EFT on steroids. What we're going to do first
• 42:34
  we're going to locate whatever is whatever negative emotion is
• 42:40
  kind of their stuck in your field right now.
• 42:42
  It doesn't have to be necessarily right now, but if
• 42:44
  you think about what you could do is think about the topic of
• 42:48
  relationships and self love in general.
• 42:49
  And if that's triggered something in you that doesn't
• 42:52
  feel good, have a think about that emotion.
• 42:55
  Or if there's something that's happened recently that's
• 42:57
  triggered you, have a think about what that emotion is and
• 43:00
  we can tap through that. So you can just answer this
• 43:02
  silently in your head. We're going to first of all
• 43:05
  locate what and identify what the emotion is.
• 43:08
  We're going to locate it. So the NLP part is locating
• 43:11
  where it sits in your body. We'll kind of look at what it
• 43:14
  feels like, what it looks like, that kind of thing.
• 43:16
  We'll start, we're not tapping. We're not going to use all the
• 43:18
  tapping points. We'll, we'll tap above the eye,
• 43:20
  side of the eye, under the eye, and then the rest is on your
• 43:23
  collarbone. When we stop the round of
• 43:26
  tapping, I'm going to get you to squeeze one of your wrists and
• 43:29
  take a deep breath in and then hold the breath at the top.
• 43:32
  And I'll guide you through all of this and then release the
• 43:34
  breath and release the grip on your wrist.
• 43:37
  And then I'm going to. Take you.
• 43:38
  Through a guided imagery and then introduction and then we'll
• 43:42
  kind of wrap that up. Wow.
• 43:44
  I'm going to enjoy this. So I'm going to sit back and
• 43:45
  relax. And here's the sandwich.
• 43:48
  Awesome. OK, so first of all, I just want
• 43:53
  you to close your eyes down and just really take a few nice
• 44:00
  long, slow, deep breaths. Really settling in to the chair
• 44:10
  or the sofa or wherever you're sitting right now.
• 44:14
  Nice seeing where you're storing any tension and just breathing
• 44:19
  into that tension, relaxing more and more with every single out
• 44:25
  breath. And I want you to really tune
• 44:30
  into your heart right now. And just ask yourself, what am I
• 44:36
  feeling right now? What negative emotion am I
• 44:39
  feeling right now? And name that emotion.
• 44:44
  And if you're not currently feeling a negative emotion, then
• 44:47
  like I said before, when you think about the topic of self
• 44:49
  love or relationships, is there a negative emotion that comes to
• 44:52
  mind there? Or is there something recently
• 44:55
  that's triggered you and there's a negative emotion that you can
• 44:58
  use from that experience? So naming that emotion, is it
• 45:02
  anger? Is it sadness?
• 45:04
  Is it betrayal? Is it rejection whatever it is?
• 45:07
  Name that emotion, now I'm. Really.
• 45:11
  Cranking up the dial on that emotion, really allowing it to
• 45:14
  be there, to see it, to feel it, to know it in its fullest
• 45:19
  expression so that we can release as much of it today as
• 45:21
  possible. Giving it a score zero to 10,
• 45:25
  with 10 being the most amount of that emotion that you could
• 45:28
  possibly be feeling right now. Just give yourself a score of
• 45:32
  that emotion zero to 10. And then I want you to think.
• 45:37
  About where you're feeling that emotion in your body.
• 45:42
  Where are you feeling that emotion and if that had a
• 45:46
  colour, what colour would it be? Is it solid, liquid or gas?
• 45:55
  Inside your body, outside your body, or both.
• 46:01
  And now again, really allowing that emotion to be there and
• 46:04
  it's fullest expression which feels.
• 46:06
  So counter intuitive because all we want to do is run away from
• 46:08
  that emotion, but the more you can.
• 46:10
  Really see it, feel it fully, fully know it inside your body.
• 46:16
  The more you can allow it to be there as as it truly is, the
• 46:19
  more we can release today. And so keeping your eyes closed
• 46:24
  down, we're going to start tapping above one eye and as
• 46:27
  you. Tap.
• 46:28
  Repeat after me and you can say this silently as well.
• 46:31
  I release and let it go, tapping on the side of your eye.
• 46:36
  Now it's safe to let it go. Now tapping underneath your eye,
• 46:42
  it's OK to let it go. And now just tapping on your
• 46:46
  collarbone. I let go of all the anxiety.
• 46:53
  I let go of all of the fear. I let go of all the emotional
• 46:59
  pain. I let go of all the physical
• 47:03
  pain. I let go of all the worry and
• 47:07
  the sadness. I let go of all the anger and
• 47:11
  frustration. I let go of all the emotional
• 47:16
  and physical trauma. I let go of all the pride and
• 47:21
  desire. I let go of all the grief and
• 47:25
  the apathy. I let go of all the guilt and
• 47:29
  the shame and everything else. I just let it go.
• 47:35
  I'm so willing to let it go. I love and accept myself.
• 47:41
  I forgive myself for everything. I let there be reason.
• 47:47
  I let there be love. I let there be joy, I let there
• 47:54
  be peace, I let there be light and everything else, I just let
• 48:00
  it go good. And just squeezing hold of one
• 48:08
  of your wrists and having a good tight squeeze where you take a
• 48:11
  deep breath into your belly, holding at the top for a moment.
• 48:19
  And as you breathe out, releasing the grip on your
• 48:21
  wrist, releasing all the way down and say peace good.
• 48:31
  Really being emotion, really being aware of that emotion in
• 48:34
  your body and reflecting back on what that emotion was and what
• 48:39
  score you gave it before the tapping and has that score
• 48:44
  reduced. Is it the same emotion or is it
• 48:47
  a different emotion? Usually in a session we would
• 48:51
  keep tapping through until whatever was there is completely
• 48:55
  neutralized, or at least a 2 out of 10 or less.
• 49:00
  But for now, I'm bringing you to a beautiful.
• 49:03
  Place You're standing on the Bank of a very large lake that
• 49:08
  stretches all the way out to the horizon.
• 49:12
  The sun is beaming down upon the lake, making it appear like a
• 49:16
  million glistening crystal crystals glistening on the
• 49:20
  surface. This great peaceful lake is
• 49:25
  stretching out before you. You're standing on the Bank of
• 49:30
  this very large lake. The bank is covered in a
• 49:35
  beautiful, vibrant green grass, the greenest grass you've ever
• 49:39
  seen. You can feel the energy of the
• 49:44
  earth rising up through your bare feet, into your legs, into
• 49:49
  your abdomen, rising all the way up to the top of your head.
• 49:55
  You can feel the sun shining down onto your head, feeling its
• 49:58
  warmth and its nourishment. The energy of the sun is flowing
• 50:04
  down into your head, all the way down through your body, all the
• 50:09
  way to the soles of your feet. You're being embraced,
• 50:15
  comforted, nourished, and accepted by the universe that
• 50:19
  you are. Looking down into the water, you
• 50:25
  notice a little wooden boat tied to the bank beside you.
• 50:31
  Looking down into your hands, you notice you're holding a
• 50:34
  little wooden box inside That box that is all sealed up.
• 50:41
  All those feelings that you were feeling before the tapping, all
• 50:44
  of your frustrations, fears, and anxieties are in that little
• 50:47
  wooden box. You don't know what they look
• 50:50
  like, but you know that they're in there.
• 50:55
  So you reach down and place that little wooden box inside the
• 50:58
  little wooden boat. You untie the rope and gently
• 51:02
  push that boat out into the lake.
• 51:06
  As that boat drifts away from you, you feel lighter, brighter,
• 51:11
  more present and loving than ever before.
• 51:14
  Because the further that boat drifts away from you, the better
• 51:16
  you feel. And the better you feel the
• 51:18
  further it drifts away. Because inside that little
• 51:22
  wooden boat is a little wooden box that has all those
• 51:26
  frustrations, fears and anxieties within it.
• 51:30
  You don't know what they look like, but you know that they're
• 51:32
  in there because that boat is drifting further and further
• 51:37
  away from you now, and the further it drifts away, the
• 51:39
  better you feel, and the better you feel the further it drifts
• 51:41
  away. It's getting so far away from
• 51:43
  you now. It's so far out onto the lake,
• 51:46
  appearing like a little speck on that horizon.
• 51:49
  You know it's about to drop over the horizon now, and it's gone.
• 51:58
  Now in this moment, there's just you, the lake, the sun, the bank
• 52:12
  that you're standing on, and nothing in your hands because
• 52:17
  there is nothing that you need, because everything that you need
• 52:23
  is everything that you are knowing, this, feeling, this,
• 52:30
  embodying this. Now you are what the universe
• 52:34
  does. You be what the universe is.
• 52:42
  I'm now reaching up into the void and taking hold of your
• 52:44
  light essence, spark. This is a spark of your essence
• 52:50
  that you sent back to the void when you went through that sense
• 52:53
  of loss, trauma, and pain. You sent that spark of your
• 52:56
  light back to the void so that one day you could call it back
• 53:01
  to be reminded of who you really are.
• 53:07
  Receiving your light essence spark back into your heart
• 53:10
  space. Now seeing your light essence
• 53:16
  spark glowing in the centre of your heart, seeing it, feeling
• 53:22
  it, letting it shine brightly in the centre of your being.
• 53:29
  Now I want you to see that light spark build into an orb of
• 53:32
  brilliant white, golden and plasma light growing in size.
• 53:37
  Lightness, brilliance and brightness expanding in each and
• 53:43
  every direction with each moment that passes by.
• 53:46
  You see that brilliant warm white light filling your entire
• 53:49
  heart space now. Now as you see and feel that
• 53:54
  light expanding and growing in size from your heart centre, you
• 53:58
  notice the darkness begins to disappear.
• 54:03
  Seeing and feeling that darkness moving out and away from your
• 54:06
  centre in all directions. As that light continues to grow
• 54:09
  and expand and become warmer and more brilliant within you, that
• 54:16
  light is constantly expanding out past the heart, filling your
• 54:19
  entire upper torso. Feeling the light rushing over
• 54:24
  your shoulders, flowing down your arms like rivers of light,
• 54:27
  all the way to the tips of your fingers.
• 54:31
  Filling your entire upper torso, shoulders, arms and hands with
• 54:35
  brilliant, warm, comforting whites, golden and plasma light.
• 54:43
  Seeing and feeling that white light's growing and expanding
• 54:46
  and flowing down into your abdomen, cleansing and clearing
• 54:49
  each and every organ of your body.
• 54:53
  That light spreading down into your legs and flowing like
• 54:56
  rivers over your knees, down your shins, and all the way to
• 54:59
  the soles of your feet and the tips of your toes.
• 55:04
  That beautiful brilliant white light continuing to grow and
• 55:07
  expand, sending the lights all the way up into the throat and
• 55:11
  neck, all the way into the head, cleansing and clearing the
• 55:15
  entire brain, mind and skull. Your entire head is filled with
• 55:21
  light. Your body is filled with light.
• 55:26
  Your arms and legs are filled with light.
• 55:29
  Your entire being is filled with light.
• 55:33
  If you are the light, there can be no darkness.
• 55:38
  Seeing now the light that you are continuing to grow and
• 55:42
  expand out past the membrane of your body in all directions,
• 55:47
  growing in size, lightness and brightness, going beyond the
• 55:52
  ceiling, beyond the walls, and deep into the ground until it
• 55:56
  envelops the entire country. That brilliant warm light
• 56:02
  essence energy going deeper into the earth and further into the
• 56:05
  atmosphere until it envelops the entire planet.
• 56:10
  That beautiful light, essence energy that you are going out
• 56:13
  beyond this solar system, beyond this Galaxy, out to the far
• 56:18
  reaches of the universe that you are knowing, this feeling, this,
• 56:25
  embodying this. Now.
• 56:30
  Now I'm going to count you back from 5:00 to 1:00.
• 56:32
  And when I reach 1, you will open your eyes.
• 56:34
  But you will only open your eyes.
• 56:36
  And as much as you know that you've got it, and as much as
• 56:40
  you know that you've let go of all those things that have
• 56:43
  dropped so far over that horizon that there's no way that they
• 56:46
  could possibly come back. Because five, over the next 5
• 56:52
  days, with each day that passes by, you will feel lighter,
• 56:55
  happier, more joyful and present to yourself than ever before.
• 57:01
  Because four, you're coming back to this reality with a new
• 57:04
  reality, a new way of being, a new way of feeling, a new way of
• 57:09
  perceiving life through the light of the love that you are.
• 57:14
  Because three, there are three solutions to every problem, 3
• 57:18
  ideas to every challenge. Because life is not a problem to
• 57:22
  be solved, it's a mystery to be experienced.
• 57:25
  Because two, you feel the light energy that you are permeating
• 57:30
  through every cell molecule, a Pascal of your being as it is
• 57:34
  simultaneously expanding out to the far reaches of the universe
• 57:37
  that you are. Because 1 you can slowly begin
• 57:44
  to open your eyes, and as much as you know that, you've got it.
• 57:52
  Boom, wow, I went to sleep, I swear.
• 57:56
  And then I, I felt myself and I thought, Oh my gosh, Can you
• 58:00
  imagine? She she doesn't get, you know,
• 58:03
  you don't even get the whole glory of where's everyone going
• 58:06
  to find you? How do people get in contact
• 58:09
  with you? Because the host went to sleep.
• 58:12
  That was that was, I mean, normally that was like a I, I
• 58:21
  went through that quick, way quicker than I normally would
• 58:24
  with a client and really give them that time and and we really
• 58:28
  want to clear a lot, but people walk out, people walk into this
• 58:31
  room in a tears and then they walk out just buzzing, feeling
• 58:36
  amazing, feeling completely different.
• 58:38
  Absolutely. That is incredible.
• 58:41
  And I know that people and I had some drop INS actually while I
• 58:48
  was speaking to you and we're going to be speaking to you on
• 58:51
  edge radio as well, but of people that I know would really
• 58:55
  treasure speaking to you. And you know, I, I, I really
• 59:00
  can't wait for that. So I won't say anything much
• 59:03
  more than that right now. But what about those people out
• 59:07
  there that are literally just requiring this self love?
• 59:12
  They're requiring to have this transformation?
• 59:15
  How is the best way to find you now remembering everything or
• 59:19
  your links, Anything that you've got that you want to give will
• 59:23
  be in the show notes. But what's the best way for them
• 59:26
  to contact you? Yep.
• 59:28
  So I'm on Instagram as at Coach Carly Evans and in there is a
• 59:34
  link tree link which has loads of freebies for you.
• 59:36
  So my project self worth playlist that I did for myself
• 59:40
  is now widely available on there.
• 59:41
  So you can download a money and abundance playlist, a
• 59:44
  relationships playlist, project self worth playlist.
• 59:47
  There's loads of links in there. There's links to my website,
• 59:50
  Facebook. So on Facebook, I'm Coach Carly
• 59:53
  and my energy side of things is Phoenix Transformation and my
• 59:57
  website. Coachcarly.com.
• 59:59
  Beautiful said like a true legend.
• 1:00:03
  Well, Carly, what can I say? You've, you've said you know,
• 1:00:07
  you've said so many things that I know have landed for me
• 1:00:13
  tonight. I've had so many revelations
• 1:00:15
  myself and I just know that you're going to bless so many
• 1:00:20
  people. So I just want to thank you from
• 1:00:22
  the bottom of my heart for coming on here and I can't wait
• 1:00:27
  to connect with. With you on radio.
• 1:00:29
  Me too. I'm excited.
• 1:00:32
  OK, Much love.