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Divorce Day & Relationship Predictions for 2023 · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast, finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: In soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wuradri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate and welcome to 2023.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's January, not quite sure how that happened, but it's January and it's 2023.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now January is commonly known as divorce month in family law circles, and the first Monday after New Year's is known as breakup day.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Something that I certainly did not know until I started digging deeper into this work.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Family lawyers regularly see a spike in either separations or inquiries right about now.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: But why?
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Why now?
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Well, Christmas is done, the new year's welcomed in, you've dealt with the in-laws, you've done the elf on the shelf thing, you've dealt with all the demands of Christmas and the holiday season, juggling the kids, all the stuff.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: And now it's back to baseline.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe, just maybe, you feel like you're looking down the barrel of one more year of life and doing love when it doesn't feel quite how you want it to feel.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: So for years, January has been unofficially dubbed divorce month, with January the 6th this year being divorce day, the first Monday after we're back from the holidays.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: There is often an increase in internet searches and inquiries, even if it's not actually the divorce, there is a trend for couples to separate or decide to separate in January, and there are a few reasons for that.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: And some of them are really obvious or fairly obvious.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: People don't want to get divorced during the holidays, and if couples, especially those with kids, have started to consider divorce separating or divorce before the holidays, they often make a point of staying together through the end of the year, through the holiday season, so that their family can have one last holiday season together before they split.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Now, over the holidays, a little like when we were in uh COVID lockdowns, couples spend much more time together than they normally would, and they realize it's not necessarily what they want.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: 24-7, seven days straight, if you're already questioning things, if you're already questioning the relationship, it can really add to the pressure.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: If the if the relationship's already feeling under stress or under strain, spending a lot more time together than you ordinarily would tends to really exacerbate that stress and highlight the challenges and difficulties you're having.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Other couples find that they're actively avoiding spending time together over the holiday periods.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: They're opting into the busyness and creating plans that mean they don't actually spend too much time together.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Avoidance.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: So avoiding, and then they realize what's happening, that they don't want to be in the company of their partner, or they don't enjoy being in the company of their partner.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: There's also the added stress, just general stress of the end of the year and the holidays.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Family pressures, the run-up to work, the busyness, the pressure, there's financial pressure of the holidays, and there's also juggling all the things.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: And often, if you're the one carrying the majority of the mental and emotional load of the relationship, that can feel really heavy through the holiday season.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: One more thing to be done, and facing up to the fact that you really want to separate, you really want to divorce right now is just not something that you can add to your load.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: So we tend to hold it all together over the holidays.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: As I said earlier, couples with kids tend to avoid separating right at Christmas or right in the holidays because you know, Christmas is supposed to be a happy family time of celebration and togetherness.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: So lots of couples with kids and even those without kids will hold it together until that Christmas period is over.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: And on a purely practical level, the kids are also sorry on holidays over this period.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: So it can actually be really challenging, even though you're forced together 24-7 with your partner, it can be really challenging to find the time to have the hard conversations, or maybe you've got guests visiting from interstate or overseas, and it can be really difficult on a practical level to have those conversations that need to be had, to void really voice what you want to say and express, and also to find the right supports because everyone else is on holidays too.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Some couples, even though you know January 6th is supposedly divorce day, some couples even hold off and announce their split later in the month or after their kids are back at school when they do have a little bit more time and space and capacity, and for the kids, things are really back to a more normal kind of rhythm, back to school, as I said, childcare, work.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, couples, some couples actually hold off till much later in the month, or even Feb to, even though they've decided to separate, to tell kids and to announce it to wider social circles, family and friends.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Another reason that January is the month for divorce or separation is that you know we slide on into the end of the year with that real self-reflective type mindset.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's a lot of reflection that comes at the ending of one year and the beginning of a new year.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Where do I want to be in this time, this time next year?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: How do I want this coming year to look?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Do I want where I do I is this what I want still?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: So January is often a time of self-reflection, of setting goals or really assessing the past year, where you are with your life, what you most want, and how and how you want your life to look and feel.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: And so this often includes reflection on your intimate partner relationship, and it can be a time to re-evaluate, reassess, and and make some changes.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes that is a separation, but sometimes it can be a reconnection.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: But for many, a new year can seem a really good time to make that hard decision to separate and make step into a new year making the positive change, new start.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: So there are a number of reasons why we tend to see a spike in separations or at least inquiries about separation and divorce in the early stage of a new year.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: There is the stress, there is holding it all together, there is trying to keep it together for the kids, and then there's that self-reflection that, you know, is this really what I want?
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so I also wanted to share, leading into 2023, my predictions for relationships, separation, divorce for 2023, because I've had a lot of conversations as we all kind of limped towards the end of 2022 about how exhausted many of us feel.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, we survived two the two years of um COVID lockdowns and restrictions, and still so many people have found 2022 to be a big, hard, and challenging year.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, that really impacts on our capacity, our capacity to be in relationship.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: It impacts our relationships with each other, with friends, with family, and definitely with our intimate partner.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: So, my first prediction for 2023 is a redefinition that many couples will actually redefine what their relationship looks like, how it works, what each partner brings or holds, and for that for that really to occur, there needs to be more open and honest conversations about what you want and need in a relationship.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: So, my first prediction is that there'll be redefinition and because of that, or off the back of that, more open and honest conversations about what you want and what you need in your primary intimate partner relationship.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Even if that looks really different to how relationships were modeled to you in your childhood or your family of origin, what you have been raised and conditioned to believe is a relationship in inverted commas.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: So being really open and honest with yourself and with your partner about what's most important to you and what you value and how each of you is going to show up in the relationship for 2023, even if it looks really different to what's expected of you or what's been modelled for you, to you, what you've been conditioned to believe, the stories about relationship that you've been told, or whatever, even if it looks really different to what everyone else, whoever they are, what everyone else is doing.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: So being really honest rather than getting caught up in whatever is traditional, being really crystal clear about what you want, what meets your needs in this season, in this year of your life, when it comes to relationship, when it comes to being in a relationship with another and having the open, honest, hard conversations, if it needs to be had, about how that looks.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when I'm talking about um a relationship looking different to what has been modelled to you and and the stories that you tell yourself about relationship, you know, I'm thinking about stories that I've been told in the past year.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe you or your partner is a serial cheater in a monogamous relationship.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: So perhaps you discuss the concept of a more open or polyamorous relationship.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I really want an open relationship, a primary relationship, but also the opportunity to explore sexual experiences outside of that relationship.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: Now that's not that's not the traditional traditional model, but if it's something that really meets your needs, then there's an open and probably hard conversation that you might need to have about that.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe the flip side of that is maybe you've been in a consensual polyamorous relationship and it is no longer what you want.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: So having the hard conversation to redefine what that's going to mean for you.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've spent a number of years being the primary carer for small for small children and now you know that needs to change.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: So having the hard conversation, open and honest conversation about how that can look for you, whether that be you uh remain in a marriage or a um a relationship with the with the the children's other parent, or you don't.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: How is that going to look?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you need to or you want to revamp or recharge your sex life in new and different ways.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is for you, it's about redefining, getting really clear on wants and needs, desires, uh, redefining them and having the open and honest and sometimes hard conversations.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: But the beginning of a new year can be a really good time to open these conversations, to redefine your relationship values, and as I said, be really clear on your desires and your needs, and then have that conversation so you can lead into a new year, creating the container for those needs to actually be met or not, which takes us back to January being divorce months.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: So if you have that hard conversation about whatever it is that you want, need, desire in your relationship, and your partner does not have capacity to meet you, then there's another hard conversation that has to have, has to be had.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Going forward, another prediction for 2023 is I think we'll see more fluidity in relationships, especially um, but not limited to especially new relationships after divorce.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: We're already seeing less of the traditional two people meet, fall in love, and move in together type of story about relationship.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I think going forward, 2023 and beyond, we will continue to see less traditional models of being in relationship.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: One of those less traditional models is living together apart, LTA relationships.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: Now the rising cost of living contributes to making it, has contributed, I should say, to making it quite difficult for many separating couples to actually afford to run two separate homes where everyone has their own space and each child has their own room, etc.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: etc.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: Rent and housing prices are crazy high, although there's some prediction of a housing market crash here in in Melbourne, Australia, who can say, but interest rates and that general cost of living is making uh sustaining two homes for separating families increasingly difficult.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: So I predict we will see more living together apart through 2023 and beyond.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: And while while that can be out of necessity, financial necessity, there can actually be benefits for everyone if it's coupled with those open and honest conversations about how that how that looks and setting the ground rules.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: Another type of living together apart is bird nesting, where the children stay in the primary family home and the parents alternate moving in and out.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: Again, cost of living pressure plays a part here, but if you can't face the full-on living together apart, so staying remaining living together under the one roof while you have decided to separate and divorce, maintaining the family home with one parent at a time moving in and out, the kids staying put, parents alternate, who is there is another option, and something I predict we will see more of through the next while.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's far cheaper to rent or buy and furnish and maintain a one-bedroom or studio apartment that you can alternate time in as parents rather than a whole entire second house for the family.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'll link in the show notes to a blog post that I've written about bird nesting, and some of the some of what's included in that blog post is really relevant to a live apart, live live together apart LTA relationship to really having that open hard conversation about the the ground rules to make it functional and make it work.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: There are, as I said, there are practical um positives to a living together apart relationship.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: You can actually continue to support one another as co-parents or or as just flatmates while you are navigating your separation divorce.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: There's lots of pressure going on, and if if you're actually, you know, gently or consciously uncoupling and it's not high conflict, then that can be an option going forward so that you don't have to sell your house right now while things are so uncertain, you're not trying to fund two homes.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: And a third prediction along those same or similar lines is a combined home where two or even three single parents and kids purchase or rent the same home.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: This is like an extension of it taking a village.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: It does take a village to raise children, and if you can pull your resources, both your financial and practical timeslash energy resources, it can be supportive for everybody.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I predict that we will see more of this going forward.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: And my predictions for afterwards, after separation, after divorce, recoupling or um repartnering after a separate separation or divorce.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: And we're already seeing, we're already seeing this, and I predict we'll see more and more and more of this, and that is a live apart together or permanent part-time arrangement.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: So LAT Live Apart together is where each of you has your own home.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: You are a committed couple, be that monogamous or however you've defined that commitment.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: You are fully committed, but you don't live permanently together.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: You each maintain your own home with your own stuff, um, and you spend time together when you choose at one or the other home.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: So that's live apart together, and it's more becoming more and more common, particularly after coup after a separation, divorce, when there is repartnering.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've got kids or teenagers also living with you, the added complexity of combining households uh can be a minefield.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: So there are lots and lots of positives to live apart together, each gets to maintain their own home, their own space, their own independence.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and personally, I've been in a live apart together relationship, in an LAT relationship, and while it does have its unique challenges, there are challenges around maintaining connection and intimacy and closeness and time, it does have a lot of benefits.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: For many of us, and I'm going to say, especially those who identify as female and have been in a relatively traditional looking hetero relationship or marriage, they've done a fair bit, we've done a fair bit of the caretaking.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: And once you're out the other side, once you're living independently, you're separated, you divorced, you don't want to go back to that caretaker role.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: And this is especially true, I believe, those of us who are a bit older, over 40, but I'm also predicting we'll see a lot more live apart together or permanent part-time relationships across the age ranges.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: Empowered, financially independent women, and to a lesser extent, probably heteromen who don't want to relinquish any of that, that independence and their own space and their own time and the ability to be solo, they don't want to relinquish all of that, but they do still want an intimate partner relationship.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: An LAT relationship supports all of that.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: So here we are, January.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: You've survived the holidays, maybe you've even enjoyed them.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I hope you have.