Latest / The Parenting Podcast / The Strength in Structure: Exploring Healthy Authoritarian Parenting | Ep. 120

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The Strength in Structure: Exploring Healthy Authoritarian Parenting | Ep. 120 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Welcome to The Parenting Podcast, and I'm your host, Cheryl Lang.
• 0:10
  In this ongoing series, we're on a journey to explore various parenting styles.
• 0:17
  Each week, we aim to define these unique perspectives, uncover their typical components, and take a deeper dive into the benefits and challenges they bring to our parenting journey.
• 0:31
  Our mission is to provide you with the tools to consider what aligns best with your family's values and works best in your particular circumstances.
• 0:41
  Today, we're delving into authoritarian parenting.
• 0:45
  A perspective marked by clear boundaries and expectations.
• 0:49
  Hey, I'm glad you're here.
• 0:52
  Let's get started.
• 1:02
  Ellen: You know Since we're talking about parenting styles, Mike and I kind of have the privilege of living around the world.
• 1:08
  Ellen: So you get to see how different cultures parent.
• 1:12
  Ellen: And I won't name where it was that we lived, but, uh, it was a non Western country.
• 1:17
  Ellen: And it was really interesting because they never disciplined their little children.
• 1:21
  Ellen: Their little children could just, you know, Let's go, you know, what we would consider, they wouldn't say rude, but kind of ill behaved and just did whatever they wanted to.
• 1:29
  Ellen: But the minute they turned into teenagers, we've seen teenagers get beaten in public.
• 1:36
  Ellen: Oh my goodness.
• 1:36
  Ellen: Wow.
• 1:36
  Ellen: Or misbehaving and it was just such a different, we were just like, Oh, that's really weird.
• 1:41
  Ellen: After having
• 1:42
  Christie: free range for so many
• 1:43
  Cheryl: years.
• 1:44
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:44
  Cheryl: Flip a switch.
• 1:45
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:46
  Cheryl: And it was just like the whole culture.
• 1:48
  Cheryl: Yeah, that was interesting.
• 1:49
  Cheryl: And it was
• 1:50
  Ellen: normal to beat your kids in public.
• 1:52
  Ellen: Wow, we saw a kid get hit with a pool stick a couple times.
• 1:55
  Ellen: Oh my goodness.
• 1:57
  Cheryl: No, really?
• 1:58
  Cheryl: And it's culture leaks.
• 1:59
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:00
  Cheryl: I mean, that's the thing parents if you haven't listened, we're doing a series on parenting styles.
• 2:05
  Cheryl: And culture really does play into it.
• 2:09
  Ellen: Yeah, because I would think that as an American mom, I was too strict with my little children.
• 2:15
  Ellen: Oh, you know, and I probably was in a foreign country too because we were living in the community.
• 2:21
  Ellen: But you know, that to them was, you know, if they had to go to bed at a certain time, they had certain rules that seemed really strange to them.
• 2:29
  Cheryl: Isn't that interesting?
• 2:30
  Cheryl: And I am thinking about that.
• 2:32
  Cheryl: Particularly a, um, a religious sect I would say that's known for being conservative and non permissive.
• 2:40
  Cheryl: And as their children are growing up and pretty restrictive.
• 2:43
  Cheryl: And then when the children get to a certain age, exactly the opposite of what you just mentioned, then they suddenly say, okay, go run, sow your wild oats, do whatever you want.
• 2:53
  Cheryl: So again, Flipping around the very opposite.
• 2:57
  Christie: Right, which is so different than what we talk about a lot here of this gradual increasing of freedom and release of into their independence.
• 3:07
  Christie: It's more gradual and tempered than just a Flip switch would give the children a lot of confusion of, wait, I, all these things that I've thought I knew are different now and yeah, different context.
• 3:20
  Christie: And so much, you know,
• 3:21
  Ellen: even if you look throughout history and read great literature, a lot of times children will.
• 3:27
  Ellen: We're given what we would consider too much responsibility, you know, and we'd be, wow, that kid was only six, right?
• 3:34
  Ellen: But that's built into their culture that just, or sometimes just circumstance of necessity, right?
• 3:40
  Ellen: But they, but they raise up to that standard because you know, you're only six, but you got to feed all the animals and do all these other things, you know.
• 3:47
  Cheryl: One of my daughters and her husband and children have moved to West Africa for a year.
• 3:53
  Cheryl: my son in law is from West Africa, and it's interesting because posted a picture and it was a little six year old girl, and she had her brother or sisterstrapped to her back, uh, wrapped around Yeah.
• 4:06
  Cheryl: wrapped around on her back, and she had A big jar of water on top of her head.
• 4:13
  Cheryl: So just like what you're saying, that's a lot of responsibility for a six year old, but not considered out of bounds within their culture.
• 4:22
  Cheryl: Because it's a
• 4:23
  Ellen: necessity.
• 4:24
  Ellen: You know, mom's probably out working in the field or doing some hard labor, as is dad, so the kids pick up the slack.
• 4:30
  Christie: Right.
• 4:31
  Christie: Well, and that child may be, you know, Twice her age and maturity and exposure because of what her life has been like up until this point.
• 4:38
  Cheryl: You know, so there are pros and cons to everything.
• 4:41
  Cheryl: You know, and as we approach this, as we begin doing these styles, if you haven't heard us previously, um, parents, we don't want to necessarily promote any one style.
• 4:53
  Cheryl: We want to
• 4:54
  Carol: talk
• 4:54
  Cheryl: about it, uh, just to kind of bring it to the table to evaluate, to look at, and we're going to be honest saying, well, Here's some pros we see, but here's some real cons and then how is that going to affect your parenting for you to look at it because you brought it in.
• 5:11
  Cheryl: That little girl is being raised with such a sense of responsibility and she's investing rather than just taking, you know, but there are issues with that as well.
• 5:22
  Cheryl: There's certainly
• 5:22
  Christie: a cost.
• 5:23
  Cheryl: All right, so I thought we'd start out today, talking about probably the easiest form of
• 5:32
  Carol: parenting to recognize particularly in its extreme.
• 5:36
  Carol: And it has that word authority in it, authoritarian parenting.
• 5:41
  Cheryl: First, personally, I think in Western culture, authoritarian parent is what has been the norm for quite a number of years.
• 5:50
  Cheryl: It was.
• 5:50
  Ellen: Yeah, for centuries, I would say.
• 5:52
  Cheryl: Certainly in, I would say in Western white culture, authoritarian was definitely the sort of standard.
• 5:59
  Ellen: And many cultures around the world.
• 6:01
  Ellen: Yes.
• 6:01
  Ellen: Okay,
• 6:02
  Cheryl: Again, we're not talking about anything abusive or wrong.
• 6:05
  Cheryl: You know, you know, but we're just talking about a lens that brings strength to parenting, but also has its weaknesses.
• 6:13
  Christie: Yeah,
• 6:13
  Ellen: Right.
• 6:14
  Ellen: Unfortunately in our culture, all the words we're going to use are trigger words.
• 6:17
  Ellen: True.
• 6:18
  Ellen: They weren't trigger words 50 years ago.
• 6:20
  Ellen: But now they're kind of trigger words.
• 6:22
  Ellen: Right.
• 6:22
  Ellen: So kind of need to hear how we're saying them, not to trigger anyone.
• 6:26
  Ellen: Right.
• 6:26
  Ellen: But just saying authoritarian is triggering for people.
• 6:29
  Ellen: It feels very, yes.
• 6:30
  Ellen: It's a
• 6:31
  Christie: very weighted word and, and I think you're right.
• 6:33
  Christie: I think they have been used in the right manner in.
• 6:36
  Christie: Lots of spaces, but then misused that that's what leaves us with the bad taste in our mouth about
• 6:42
  Cheryl: Besides saying totalitarian parents are everything and children have no value.
• 6:47
  Cheryl: That's not what we're talking about.
• 6:48
  Christie: So let's
• 6:49
  Cheryl: talk about it Used in a proper space.
• 6:51
  Cheryl: So what would be a balanced presentation of what an authoritarian view, what would parents value?
• 6:57
  Cheryl: I would say that control.
• 7:00
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 7:00
  Cheryl: Is a, is a really high value to parents who have this approach.
• 7:04
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 7:05
  Cheryl: What else I think control brings safety.
• 7:08
  Cheryl: Mm
• 7:08
  Christie: hmm protectiveness and Um, there's clear boundaries, clear expectations,
• 7:14
  Cheryl: give me an example of what that would be.
• 7:17
  Cheryl: So how would you describe, in a
• 7:18
  Carol: healthy
• 7:19
  Cheryl: way, if we were having this authoritarian lens or focus, how would boundaries and so forth, how would that operate?
• 7:27
  Cheryl: What are you talking about?
• 7:28
  Christie: Yeah, I think there's, you know, maybe certain types of language you don't allow your children to use in your home, or curfew is it this time?
• 7:36
  Christie: Mm hmm.
• 7:37
  Christie: We don't start dating until a certain age.
• 7:42
  Christie: So a certain boundary is structured.
• 7:44
  Christie: Uh huh, yeah, structured expectation for your, set for your children, for your family, for the whole household to live by.
• 7:51
  Cheryl: And psychologists and scientists.
• 7:53
  Cheryl: have said for years children thrive with structure.
• 7:57
  Cheryl: I mean, they really do.
• 7:58
  Cheryl: Boundaries are good.
• 8:00
  Cheryl: Children
• 8:00
  Carol: do well knowing what regular bedtime is.
• 8:02
  Carol: And they know what to expect.
• 8:05
  Carol: Right.
• 8:05
  Carol: So I think we could say with this type of parenting, this lens, that children, if you will, they actually have some comforting freedom because they know what's expected of them.
• 8:17
  Ellen: And if you're an Authoritarian parent there's also comfort in that.
• 8:21
  Ellen: Yeah, how was that you're gonna say This is what I asked you to do.
• 8:26
  Ellen: Now go and do it.
• 8:28
  Ellen: There's no ifs, ands, or buts.
• 8:29
  Ellen: Right.
• 8:30
  Ellen: So you feel, okay, because this needs to be done in order for the structure of our household and our children's benefit to go forward.
• 8:38
  Ellen: Right.
• 8:38
  Ellen: You know,
• 8:39
  Cheryl: and they might, might say, I really care about your emotion.
• 8:42
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 8:42
  Cheryl: But in this instance, I'm asking you to do something, I need you to go and do it.
• 8:46
  Cheryl: It's not up for discussion.
• 8:48
  Christie: And it can be a little one size fits all, which takes the work out of it.
• 8:54
  Christie: That's true.
• 8:55
  Christie: That is a benefit.
• 8:55
  Christie: You can pre decide.
• 8:56
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:57
  Christie: What you want from all of your children and your household and set the expectation, set the requirements and then execute them without any nuance or thinking or, you know, debating in the specific situations.
• 9:11
  Christie: And that that can take a lot of the The weight out of the decision making.
• 9:15
  Christie: I
• 9:16
  Cheryl: mean, it's kind of sounds nice.
• 9:18
  Cheryl: Right.
• 9:19
  Cheryl: Well, as
• 9:19
  Ellen: an authoritarian
• 9:20
  Cheryl: parent, Yeah.
• 9:22
  Ellen: I did a lot of it for my own well being.
• 9:25
  Ellen: Uh huh.
• 9:26
  Ellen: Because there were times with five children, And a husband that's gone a lot, I was just exhausted.
• 9:32
  Ellen: So it's easier to make a day really structured, so we know what we're going to do, and how we're going to do it.
• 9:38
  Ellen: You're going to go, you're going to eat now, you're going to go to bed now, no one's going to come out of their room because mom's done, you know, and so that's, that can be pro and con.
• 9:48
  Cheryl: And it wasn't a crushing thing.
• 9:50
  Cheryl: No.
• 9:50
  Cheryl: It was just very highly structured.
• 9:52
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 9:53
  Cheryl: So I could almost say, we could call it structured parenting, that there's real high level of structure.
• 9:59
  Cheryl: And like what you described, Christy, and, and you alluded to Ellen.
• 10:04
  Cheryl: We just did a series on burnout.
• 10:06
  Cheryl: And I can see that this highly structured, uh, view of parenting, uh, would eliminate some burnout because you don't have to be right there every moment trying to make a decision with every whim of what's going on.
• 10:21
  Cheryl: It's, this is the way.
• 10:22
  Cheryl: Cause that's when
• 10:23
  Ellen: I would have a breakdown is when all of a sudden everyone rebelled and had emotions that they want.
• 10:28
  Ellen: I don't want to do that.
• 10:29
  Ellen: Right.
• 10:31
  Christie: Or, yeah, I used to say, The plan is good.
• 10:35
  Christie: I would stay up late at night making the plan, you know, whatever the schedule was and the rules to abide by were.
• 10:41
  Christie: And then I would want everyone to just live out the plan.
• 10:45
  Christie: The plan is good.
• 10:46
  Christie: Everyone abide by the plan and no one, no deviation, no one will, you know, yeah, exactly.
• 10:51
  Christie: And it, it was, um, I think for someone who wants results, it's very appealing because it's.
• 10:58
  Christie: The results are measurable.
• 11:00
  Christie: Did everyone do what I said?
• 11:02
  Christie: Yes.
• 11:02
  Christie: Great.
• 11:02
  Christie: I am a good mom.
• 11:05
  Cheryl: I'm doing well in
• 11:05
  Christie: parenting.
• 11:06
  Cheryl: Also, the children can be affirmed.
• 11:09
  Cheryl: some of the other styles we're going to talk about, there isn't much measurability for the children to even know.
• 11:17
  Cheryl: Am I doing what I'm supposed to do right?
• 11:19
  Cheryl: You know, with a lack of boundaries.
• 11:20
  Cheryl: That's why we're saying psychologists say children do thrive with schedule and boundaries, right?
• 11:26
  Cheryl: And so appropriately, it is kind of relieves everybody.
• 11:30
  Cheryl: you know, I remember.
• 11:32
  Cheryl: I don't know anybody that does it now, but when we grew up, I grew up in the south we had fried chicken for, fried chicken for
• 11:40
  Carol: Sunday dinner we had meatloaf on Monday supper, we had Different meals that we had every day, but we always knew what to expect.
• 11:49
  Cheryl: Yeah, my husband
• 11:50
  Ellen: hated when I changed the meal plan.
• 11:52
  Ellen: Because I've been thinking about meatloaf all day long.
• 11:56
  Ellen: See,
• 11:56
  Cheryl: that's a little bit of what There's some security there.
• 11:58
  Cheryl: There's security for everybody.
• 12:00
  Cheryl: Because we know what the boundaries are.
• 12:02
  Cheryl: We know what the structure is.
• 12:03
  Cheryl: Right.
• 12:04
  Cheryl: And what's expected of everybody.
• 12:05
  Cheryl: Right.
• 12:05
  Cheryl: There's a strength to that.
• 12:07
  Christie: And I think as much as we have acknowledged that the world right now does not like the word authority.
• 12:13
  Christie: Uh huh.
• 12:14
  Christie: People want to see authority in place, like it's, it's praiseworthy.
• 12:21
  Christie: I know I would get lots of recognition if all of my children were behaved and, you know, everyone loved to see that, Oh, they're all so kind and so tidy and so, you know, quiet or whatever the trait was that they were seeing.
• 12:37
  Christie: And so I think people want things to be orderly in when they see you out in public, they want everything to be orderly and they just.
• 12:45
  Christie: I just don't necessarily think, um, Oh, it might take some authoritarian parenting to do this.
• 12:51
  Cheryl: And I think there's a higher level of safety, you know, for everybody, for the parents and for the kids because of the boundaries and the restrictiveness of it, the children are protected more from different influences or maybe risky behavior.
• 13:11
  Cheryl: Yeah,
• 13:11
  Ellen: because I watch like.
• 13:13
  Ellen: Some really young kids, I mean like six year olds, riding their bicycles.
• 13:19
  Ellen: It's all over the neighborhood and I finally had to go talk to one of our neighbors because her child almost got hit by a car.
• 13:26
  Ellen: We live in a quiet neighborhood because she had unfettered access to this bike, but she didn't have the maturity yet to understand you can't
• 13:35
  Cheryl: do that.
• 13:36
  Cheryl: And someone with this lens would say, that's what I want to protect my children from.
• 13:41
  Cheryl: I'm not being a cruel dictator.
• 13:45
  Cheryl: They're just not ready.
• 13:47
  Ellen: Our kids were 10 when they finally got to just ride their bikes.
• 13:52
  Ellen: I mean, within their boundaries, where I didn't have, but to me, that was like this maturity point at 10, you realized you had to look at all the rules that work rather than this little cute kid that just dashes out in front of the car, the poor lady, you know, almost.
• 14:07
  Ellen: Really had a heart attack because she almost hit her.
• 14:09
  Christie: Right.
• 14:09
  Christie: Well, one thing Authoritarian parenting did for me because I tended to lean this direction when my kids were young, especially Was not just safety and security for the kids but safety and security for me Yeah And that I when I didn't know what to do which is often more often than not and It was a security blanket for me, you know, I could just say no, I didn't have to think about how old they should be when they ride their bikes because I could just say you're not riding your bikes out before I can't see you.
• 14:40
  Christie: And, and it was, you know, in an unhealthy extreme, no was my default and it robbed my kids a lot of freedoms that they should have.
• 14:48
  Christie: I mean, they still tease me now.
• 14:50
  Christie: Mom would barely let us go to the mailbox without watching us.
• 14:53
  Christie: And it was rooted in fear.
• 14:55
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:55
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:56
  Christie: But, that's one of the things we talk about, uh, we want there to be a flexibility in how and where you choose to put together what your, uh, family's parenting style's going to be, and I will say in my, uh, Single widowhood.
• 15:15
  Christie: I did sometimes default much more to this because it was survival for me.
• 15:22
  Christie: I didn't know what to do I mean, I was floundering and nobody had boundaries.
• 15:27
  Christie: No, we didn't.
• 15:28
  Christie: And I had to bring those walls in for everybody's sanity.
• 15:32
  Christie: Um, and, uh, just because I didn't know what else to do.
• 15:36
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:37
  Christie: And like you say, Stronger clear boundary.
• 15:42
  Christie: I didn't have to weigh the 10, 000
• 15:45
  Carol: options.
• 15:47
  Carol: Yeah, but I would have to without that right?
• 15:50
  Ellen: And I can remember I was a little farther along in my parenting of five children where I finally could say Give me a few minutes and let me think about it, you know, uh, partially because they were getting older.
• 16:02
  Ellen: But sometimes that's really what it was.
• 16:04
  Ellen: I just needed some time to clear my head because they always want something in the middle of you're making dinner or you've got a thousand things going on and they want an answer and you're like, uh, I don't know the answer is no.
• 16:15
  Christie: Well,
• 16:16
  Cheryl: and if you thought about a job, if you have a professional job, the free fall that would be if you came in, your boss said, we'll just do whatever, whatever.
• 16:26
  Cheryl: And then we'll evaluate your job at the end of the month.
• 16:28
  Cheryl: And they're just too much freedom, right?
• 16:32
  Cheryl: And I need to show up, I need to be on time at eight o'clock, I need only take an hour for lunch.
• 16:37
  Cheryl: So there's comfort and stability knowing what's expected of you, right?
• 16:44
  Cheryl: And I think that's what this lens is trying to do is say.
• 16:47
  Cheryl: We as the parents have clear expectations, and I think part of the compromise is you give up flexibility for consistency.
• 16:56
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 16:57
  Cheryl: And your
• 16:58
  Ellen: kids know when you're gonna consistently be mad.
• 17:00
  Ellen: Right.
• 17:02
  Ellen: Uh oh, we're in trouble.
• 17:03
  Ellen: Right.
• 17:04
  Ellen: We knew we weren't supposed to do that one.
• 17:06
  Ellen: Yeah,
• 17:07
  Christie: and you know, I said a minute ago it for me it was a lot of times rooted in fear, but That fear was actually rooted in love for my kids.
• 17:16
  Christie: Okay, explain that.
• 17:17
  Christie: Well, the whole point in Being an authoritarian parent giving these expectations is that I love my children.
• 17:26
  Christie: I want what's best for them.
• 17:27
  Christie: I've set this, you know, standard out for them that I feel will bring them peace and success and loveliness in their lives.
• 17:36
  Christie: And so it is all rooted in love.
• 17:39
  Christie: But the fear factor of it for me was, but what if they fall short of that?
• 17:45
  Christie: You know, like I need to control the situation so that they don't miss the boat on this.
• 17:50
  Cheryl: This is really good.
• 17:51
  Cheryl: I'm glad you said it again.
• 17:53
  Cheryl: Because of the triggers that this word has in today's society.
• 17:58
  Cheryl: the parents are doing it out of love, we're not talking about a narcissistic power control type parent, we're talking about parents that have evaluated and say, wow, we see the strengths that this brings to our family.
• 18:13
  Ellen: But now it's kind of, you know, looked down on like it's a kind of an evil thing.
• 18:18
  Ellen: But the reality is, we cannot function in any society across the world without authority.
• 18:23
  Ellen: That's true.
• 18:24
  Ellen: Or
• 18:24
  Cheryl: some sort of stability and control.
• 18:26
  Cheryl: Yes, right.
• 18:27
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 18:27
  Cheryl: So that's one of the motivations for this lens and model is developing consistency and schedule and learning how to meet expectations and kind of the solid, uh, character traits that they wanted to build into their children.
• 18:45
  Cheryl: Yes, right.
• 18:46
  Cheryl: Okay, so these are some of the strengths.
• 18:48
  Cheryl: Let's look at maybe some of the reasons why someone wouldn't do it, or some of the cons of this.
• 18:55
  Cheryl: view or lens of parenting.
• 18:58
  Ellen: Well, it's the least popular type of parenting.
• 19:01
  Cheryl: Nowadays.
• 19:02
  Cheryl: Yes,
• 19:02
  Ellen: nowadays.
• 19:03
  Ellen: Before, it
• 19:04
  Cheryl: was kind of all there was.
• 19:05
  Ellen: Right, that's all there was, yeah.
• 19:06
  Christie: I think one of the, the um, biggest cons I see in, in children who have grown up with in this model is the loss of um, freedom of thought.
• 19:21
  Christie: thought like being able to think through things, thinking through decision making, yeah, because the decision was already made for them oftentimes or think about you know going through critical thinking or or um, learning to make decisions.
• 19:35
  Christie: Yes like cost benefit ratio and decision making.
• 19:39
  Christie: There's not a lot of room to make those decisions if you're just told what to do and you have to do it.
• 19:45
  Cheryl: Even in a loving supportive environment, you're right, that's one of the things you lose and I agree with you because, you know, we usually approach parenting
• 19:55
  Carol: here at tee pee pee as the releasing process.
• 19:58
  Cheryl: Right.
• 19:58
  Cheryl: And I see one of the dangers of this, uh, lens or model as not increasingly giving more independence to the children and allowing them to fail because for one thing it kind of worked and kind of for the most part this is going really well and if we start handing you too much freedom then you may start failing and I think maybe this lens Um, is looking for success rather than realizing the benefit of failing.
• 20:29
  Cheryl: Mm hm.
• 20:30
  Cheryl: And so I would say the parents who have adopted this model say we want that same stability, right?
• 20:37
  Cheryl: All the way through.
• 20:38
  Cheryl: But
• 20:38
  Christie: when you remove failure from being an option for your child, then they don't know how to handle failure.
• 20:45
  Christie: And if they've grown up the whole time thinking success is the goal, then what do they do with failure?
• 20:53
  Christie: And it's inevitable in adult life as the parent full well knows.
• 20:57
  Christie: Yes.
• 20:57
  Ellen: Well, I think of a story when, um, my son was probably.
• 21:02
  Ellen: 10, maybe, maybe 10, 12.
• 21:05
  Ellen: And he was constantly leaving his bike on the front yard.
• 21:08
  Ellen: And I would say, if you keep leaving your bike there, it's going to get stolen.
• 21:12
  Ellen: Go put it in the garage.
• 21:14
  Ellen: Well, what do you think happened?
• 21:16
  Ellen: And he was all shocked
• 21:17
  Cheryl: when his
• 21:18
  Ellen: But that's
• 21:18
  Cheryl: the value of consequences and the danger of this lens is you kind of remove consequences out because the parents in a loving way are trying to protect, like you were talking earlier, trying to protect their children from consequences.
• 21:36
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 21:37
  Cheryl: But it can
• 21:38
  Ellen: also be, the negatives can be like rebellion and secrecy.
• 21:43
  Ellen: I'd like to talk about that.
• 21:44
  Ellen: Well, like my kids have told me, Oh, I knew I couldn't do that in front of you.
• 21:49
  Ellen: So I snuck and did it.
• 21:50
  Ellen: You know, it might've been go to the store and buy some candy that I wasn't really supposed to, you know.
• 21:55
  Ellen: Right.
• 21:56
  Ellen: It could be bigger things too, right?
• 21:58
  Ellen: I'm just keeping it simple.
• 22:00
  Ellen: But you know, that definitely made them feel like they couldn't just come and say, I want to do this.
• 22:06
  Ellen: Rather, I've got to figure a work around my mom's rule.
• 22:09
  Christie: Yes.
• 22:11
  Christie: And it's natural for our kids to want to start separating from us.
• 22:16
  Christie: And so the stricter lines that we've drawn, the older they get, of course, they're going to push back on those, but that's another thing I see in this is the loss of relationship.
• 22:27
  Christie: Yeah, yeah.
• 22:27
  Christie: And that, you know, they feel like they have to be secretive because they're more Fearful of the parent, respectful or feeling loved by the parent,
• 22:38
  Cheryl: or they might feel loved, but they don't want to disappoint them.
• 22:41
  Cheryl: Right?
• 22:41
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 22:42
  Cheryl: My kids would
• 22:42
  Ellen: always say that.
• 22:44
  Cheryl: You can be extremely loving parents
• 22:46
  Ellen: In a
• 22:47
  Cheryl: loving environment and have this authoritarian view.
• 22:51
  Cheryl: But, because of those expectations, you know, even in certain areas, I remember some things with my children.
• 22:58
  Cheryl: They go, Mom, we just didn't want to tell you because we didn't want to disappoint you.
• 23:02
  Cheryl: Right, right.
• 23:03
  Cheryl: You know, and oh, I realized having an expectation superimposed that on them and it restricted the communication
• 23:12
  ?: and the
• 23:13
  Cheryl: relationship.
• 23:13
  Cheryl: So, I personally, I think that would be the two things I would say is that.
• 23:19
  Cheryl: You're not training your children the independence of failure and how to cope with that and then restricting the free flow of ideas and emotions, you know, because it does tend to restrict emotional response.
• 23:35
  Cheryl: Because you
• 23:35
  Ellen: have to say, I don't want to hear it right now, just go do what you're supposed to do.
• 23:39
  Cheryl: Or, you're not speaking to me in a way that's appropriate, stepped outside the boundaries.
• 23:44
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 23:45
  Christie: We've actually, we have kind of a joke in our family because, like, I've, I've, I've I tended to be much more authoritarian when they were young and our relationship has grown and evolved as I've come to a place of a better balance.
• 24:00
  Christie: But we have a joke about having a confessional circle where everyone sits around in a circle and tells mom everything they did.
• 24:08
  Christie: And uh, because there was this.
• 24:10
  Christie: season where I was off balance and there were things that were not being found out by me because of the, um, I, I like what you said, Cheryl, about the, the desire to please me.
• 24:22
  Christie: They just wanted to make me happy or want to just proud because they loved me.
• 24:26
  Christie: Um, But, and so there was a little bit of a fear element there, like, don't let mom find out.
• 24:31
  Ellen: And my kids have all had their confessionals, because my kids are all into their forties now.
• 24:36
  Ellen: But, you know, once they kind of got into their mid twenties and a little older, they go, Oh, well, mom, this is what I did, you know, Oh, okay.
• 24:44
  Cheryl: And I think in every parent child relationship, that goes on.
• 24:48
  Cheryl: But I would say that's one of the weaknesses here with
• 24:51
  Carol: authoritarian parenting.
• 24:53
  Cheryl: Is that
• 24:54
  Carol: healthy exchange of ideas and safe talk
• 24:59
  Cheryl: about Failure is just not
• 25:02
  Carol: regularly a big part of it.
• 25:04
  Christie: Yeah
• 25:06
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 25:06
  Cheryl: Like you said, Christy, I think a lot of parents Adopt this model kind of out of fear that they want the best for their children.
• 25:14
  Cheryl: And they're afraid of that other right that's out there.
• 25:18
  Cheryl: So they're kind of mother Henning and keeping them close, hoping that that will be the best for their children.
• 25:25
  Cheryl: And as we said in a recent episode that They have done studies and found out that children that actually don't flee as quickly from their parents values and belief systems are ones where they're allowed to ask questions and probe and interact with their parents values rather than have it superimposed completely on
• 25:49
  Christie: them.
• 25:49
  Christie: Right.
• 25:50
  Christie: And that there's a space in their relationship to be.
• 25:54
  Christie: Wrong or to fail or to need grace or to have questions and doubts and and to push back disagree.
• 26:00
  Christie: Yeah
• 26:01
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 26:02
  Cheryl: And I think that's a real balance that could be brought into this.
• 26:05
  Cheryl: Anything else, because we're out of time, about this pro or con that you see, um, in this model of parenting?
• 26:13
  Christie: Well, I think, and this is going to be true with all of the methods we talk about or the approaches we talk about, but like we've said, there are, there are strengths to this approach and, and there are some cons and, and finding a way to be aware of the cons of whatever one of these methods that you're going with and you're parenting and tweaking to find some balance is really important and, and I think with this one specifically, um, Thinking more about, we've talked a lot here today about the culture's response to authority and some of these words can be triggering.
• 26:52
  Christie: Just being really mindful of what your kids are growing up to be and the culture they're growing into being in it.
• 27:01
  Christie: Yeah.
• 27:02
  Christie: Um, and just being a self aware.
• 27:07
  Christie: And culture aware and aware of your child.
• 27:10
  Christie: I think this one specifically, those things are important.
• 27:14
  Ellen: Excellent.
• 27:14
  Ellen: Oh, that's so good.
• 27:15
  Ellen: That was good, Christy.
• 27:16
  Ellen: Well,
• 27:16
  Cheryl: this is fun.
• 27:17
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 27:17
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 27:18
  Cheryl: Let's come back next time and, and hack up and divide and do surgery on another approach to parenting.
• 27:23
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 27:24
  Cheryl: Hey, parents, whatever your style, remember, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 27:39
  Personally, I found today's discussion on authoritarian parenting really insightful.
• 27:47
  Remember, it's not just about recognizing its weaknesses.
• 27:51
  But also understanding the strengths this particular style brings to the table in parenting.
• 27:59
  As we conclude this episode, why don't you take a moment to reflect on how you might incorporate some of those strengths we mentioned today into your own parenting journey, regardless of your primary style.
• 28:14
  Or, if you realize this is your main parenting style, Why don't you reflect on some of the weaknesses and see how you might address those so that you can love your children better and avoid some of the pitfalls.
• 28:29
  I'm excited about our next episode where we'll dive into another parenting approach.
• 28:34
  So be sure to stay tuned.
• 28:37
  Feel free to reach out with us with any questions or insights on our website, social media platforms, or by email at contact at the parenting podcast dot com.
• 28:49
  And don't forget.
• 28:51
  TPP is here alongside of you to bring you hope and to help you flourish.
• 28:57
  See you next time.