Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / Head Noise Pt 2. Living with Painful family members, and change of career but I have just finished uni.

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Head Noise Pt 2. Living with Painful family members, and change of career but I have just finished uni. · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:14
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the episode of today.
0:17
Speaker 1: So this is part two head Noise episode. If you
0:20
Speaker 1: haven't already, then check out the episode just before this,
0:23
Speaker 1: which is the voice Note episode. I have some great
0:26
Speaker 1: questions there. Love the voice notes, and I love hearing
0:29
Speaker 1: your voices. You're all just so fucking cute. Anyway, let's
0:32
Speaker 1: get straight into this episode. This one is all the
0:35
Speaker 1: emailed questions that you guys have written in, so I'm
0:37
Speaker 1: going to try and get through a few.
0:39
Speaker 2: So let's get straight into it.
0:43
Speaker 1: Hi, alexis, how do you deal with negative family members
0:46
Speaker 1: slash grandparents that want you stuck in an environment that
0:50
Speaker 1: is not healthy, no rules, no friends allowed over, no boyfriend.
0:55
Speaker 1: Becomes so isolated due to living in this toxic environment,
0:58
Speaker 1: trying hard to get myself out of this VI grandmother
1:01
Speaker 1: doesn't like any friends that I bring over, does not
1:03
Speaker 1: approve of any past boyfriends, prefers me stuck at home
1:06
Speaker 1: with her doing nothing with my life. I am thirty
1:08
Speaker 1: one years old and have no friends, no social life,
1:12
Speaker 1: made to feel controlled. When I do go out, I'm
1:14
Speaker 1: always getting text messages about when I will be back,
1:17
Speaker 1: so it ruins my night. Eventually, everyone's isolated me and
1:20
Speaker 1: I don't know what to do. Okay, You're going to
1:25
Speaker 1: have to be the quote unquote asshole close quote in
1:29
Speaker 1: this situation. You are living your life on this person's terms,
1:34
Speaker 1: and you are an adult.
1:36
Speaker 2: Okay. Another thing that.
1:38
Speaker 1: I am going to say is how how independent are
1:44
Speaker 1: you in this dynamic?
1:45
Speaker 2: Okay?
1:46
Speaker 1: Because when you've got total independence, even when you live
1:49
Speaker 1: with family, when you've got total independence in the sense
1:51
Speaker 1: that you're contributing financially, you are paying your way, you
1:55
Speaker 1: are doing, then you have a huge leg to stand on.
1:58
Speaker 1: Not that anyone should be controlling anyone anyway, but what
2:00
Speaker 1: I'm saying is then you have complete control over your time,
2:04
Speaker 1: how often you enter and leave the house. You're not
2:06
Speaker 1: using it as a hotel. You are it is your
2:09
Speaker 1: home because you are contributing to living there.
2:13
Speaker 2: Paying for food, paying for this, paying for that.
2:15
Speaker 1: Obviously, I'm not gonna bother suggest to the obvious, because
2:18
Speaker 1: I'm sure you've already considered it as to why are
2:20
Speaker 1: you living with her if she is absolutely like cock
2:22
Speaker 1: blocking your life. I'm sure there are valid reasons, because
2:26
Speaker 1: my first advice would be fucking move out. But I
2:29
Speaker 1: just presume that there's an obvious reason why you're not
2:31
Speaker 1: moving out, So we're going to roll with that. But
2:36
Speaker 1: the more you can have, the more independence you have,
2:40
Speaker 1: the easier it is to live how you want to live.
2:44
Speaker 1: And then people just have to come around and get
2:46
Speaker 1: over it. Okay, Now, if she doesn't want friends over,
2:50
Speaker 1: I would never force that. I would never force that,
2:53
Speaker 1: not for her sake, for my sake. If I was
2:56
Speaker 1: living with anybody who just hate it when I had
2:59
Speaker 1: friends and I had to live with this person, I'd
3:01
Speaker 1: be like, I feel uncomfortable when my friends are over now,
3:05
Speaker 1: So I'm still going to spend time with my friends.
3:07
Speaker 1: I'm just not going to bring them over because it
3:09
Speaker 1: is making my life a misery. And then I'm like
3:11
Speaker 1: sitting there stressing the whole time. It's just something you
3:14
Speaker 1: can't change. So unfortunately, if you're choosing to stay living
3:17
Speaker 1: with your grandmother for whatever reasons, then you've got to
3:20
Speaker 1: look at certain things that are never going to change.
3:21
Speaker 1: She's probably never going to change how she feels about
3:23
Speaker 1: having people over, so having people over is just a
3:26
Speaker 1: no go zone. So you've got to work with what
3:28
Speaker 1: you can work with, and in this scenario, you can
3:31
Speaker 1: work with I can leave the house whenever the fuck
3:34
Speaker 1: I want. I'm an adult. I can exit this home
3:36
Speaker 1: whenever I want. When she texts me saying when you're
3:38
Speaker 1: coming back, I will not reply. When I leave the house,
3:42
Speaker 1: I'm going to say I'm going to go say some
3:44
Speaker 1: friends and I'm going to be back later tonight. I
3:48
Speaker 1: don't know when that will be. It will be later tonight.
3:51
Speaker 1: If she then sends you a message and says what
3:53
Speaker 1: time are you going to be home, don't reply. And
3:56
Speaker 1: then when you get home, if she gets upset that
3:58
Speaker 1: you didn't reply, whatever, just say I communicated to you
4:01
Speaker 1: before I left that I wasn't sure what time I'd
4:03
Speaker 1: be coming home, but it would be later tonight, or
4:05
Speaker 1: it would be whatever. Okay, You've got to teach people
4:09
Speaker 1: how to treat you now. One thing that you really
4:13
Speaker 1: ideally will want to be working towards is that this
4:16
Speaker 1: not be a long term thing. You got to ask yourself,
4:18
Speaker 1: why am I you know? How long is this going
4:21
Speaker 1: to go for? Because unfortunately, if she's your grandmother, I'm
4:25
Speaker 1: presuming she is obviously significantly older than you, and there's
4:29
Speaker 1: going to be you know, the older people get, and
4:32
Speaker 1: unfortunately this is just how it is the harder it
4:34
Speaker 1: is for them to change because they are just more
4:36
Speaker 1: set in their ways. So for a grandparent to turn
4:38
Speaker 1: around and all of a sudden change, that's not going
4:39
Speaker 1: to happen. It is not your job to change her.
4:42
Speaker 1: It is your job to set some boundaries for your sake. Okay,
4:45
Speaker 1: it is your job to tell people what you're going
4:48
Speaker 1: to do, not ask them. This idea about the boyfriends
4:51
Speaker 1: and stuff you say prefers me to be stuck at
4:54
Speaker 1: home with her doing nothing with my life. She doesn't
4:57
Speaker 1: like any friends I bring over, does not approve of
4:58
Speaker 1: any past boyfriends. This is you know, whether she's doing
5:02
Speaker 1: it because she's scared to be alone, irrelevant of the
5:05
Speaker 1: reason as to why she's doing it, because it's even
5:07
Speaker 1: knowing the reason doesn't change the outcome. So even if
5:10
Speaker 1: you've gone through every reason as to why she's behaving
5:12
Speaker 1: the way she's behaving, it is cock blocking your life.
5:15
Speaker 1: And if you're standing here saying, well, the reason I'm
5:17
Speaker 1: not moving out is because I feel really sorry for her,
5:20
Speaker 1: and then she'll have no one, well guess what you
5:23
Speaker 1: now have no one? You now have fucking no one
5:25
Speaker 1: because you're isolating yourself. You have an effort, and is
5:27
Speaker 1: that is it worth it? You're thirty one, It's your
5:30
Speaker 1: fucking time to.
5:31
Speaker 2: Live your life. She's still alive, she can still.
5:34
Speaker 1: Live her life. But you don't live your life by
5:36
Speaker 1: controlling other people. That's not how it goes. I don't
5:38
Speaker 1: care how fucking old you are. I don't care how
5:39
Speaker 1: sorry people feel for you. That's not how relationships work. Okay,
5:44
Speaker 1: you can still love her, you can still spend quality
5:47
Speaker 1: time with her, but then when you're out, you're out.
5:49
Speaker 1: And I can tell you right now, especially as you
5:51
Speaker 1: get older and you're in your thirties, this is your
5:52
Speaker 1: fucking time to tell people what is on and what's
5:56
Speaker 1: not on. Okay, specially in your thirties, because you've done
5:58
Speaker 1: the bullshit with bullshit of other people in your twenties,
6:02
Speaker 1: you've learnt the hard way. This is your time to
6:04
Speaker 1: be like, I am going out, I am doing this.
6:08
Speaker 1: If she says something bad about your friends, just say,
6:10
Speaker 1: I know you're not going to approve of my friends,
6:11
Speaker 1: so I don't need to hear it. And you can
6:13
Speaker 1: say it jokingly, you can say it nicely. She says, oh,
6:16
Speaker 1: you know, I think about your friends, so I don't
6:18
Speaker 1: need to know what you think about my friends, because
6:20
Speaker 1: it's never a positive thing. You can say those things,
6:23
Speaker 1: and if you feel like you can't say those things,
6:25
Speaker 1: and even less reason for you to be living with her.
6:27
Speaker 1: Don't You should never feel that you were living with
6:29
Speaker 1: somebody who you can't speak your mind too.
6:31
Speaker 2: That is prison. Okay. Anyway, still don't know why.
6:35
Speaker 1: You live with her, But you've got to really ask yourself, Like,
6:38
Speaker 1: now that I am living with her, I need to
6:41
Speaker 1: manage this a lot better.
6:42
Speaker 2: I need to tell her what's up.
6:44
Speaker 1: Okay, But yeah, I just for my sake, wouldn't bring
6:47
Speaker 1: people over anyway if I was living with my grandmother
6:50
Speaker 1: and she didn't like my friends and it felt uncomfortable. Okay,
6:54
Speaker 1: next question. Hi, alexis longtime listener and a huge fan
6:58
Speaker 1: of the party. I feel so how much wise than
7:00
Speaker 1: when I first started listening to you, So thank you
7:02
Speaker 1: for all the wisdom you share it.
7:03
Speaker 2: Thank you.
7:04
Speaker 1: I would love some help around people pleasing in the workplace.
7:07
Speaker 1: Ever since I've entered the workforce as a teen, I've
7:09
Speaker 1: always had good work ethic and integrity. However, I feel
7:12
Speaker 1: like sometimes I put too much emphasis on this to
7:15
Speaker 1: my detriment and I cross the line into people pleasing.
7:18
Speaker 2: I feel like I always try to work at one.
7:19
Speaker 1: Hundred percent capacity and put pressure on myself to do
7:22
Speaker 1: every little task asked of me, to the point I
7:25
Speaker 1: ruminate on whether I've forgotten something for someone. I find
7:28
Speaker 1: it hard to take sick days, ask for time off,
7:30
Speaker 1: or negotiate better pay. I have self reflected and have
7:33
Speaker 1: a good idea about why I'm like this. Firstly, I'm
7:36
Speaker 1: lucky to have always been recognized for my hard work
7:38
Speaker 1: and feel once I've set a high standard for myself,
7:40
Speaker 1: I need to make sure that no one's opinion of
7:42
Speaker 1: me changes.
7:44
Speaker 2: I don't want to drop the ball.
7:45
Speaker 1: The harder I work, the more people ask of me,
7:48
Speaker 1: and I enjoy being people's go to person as again
7:51
Speaker 1: it makes me feel some sort of importance. Secondly, a
7:55
Speaker 1: lot of jobs I've held over the years are considered
7:57
Speaker 1: low skilled jobs, and I feel I don't have intelligence
7:59
Speaker 1: or knowledge to bring to a company, so to completely
8:02
Speaker 1: smash my role in this is the only way I
8:05
Speaker 1: can prove to be of any value. This especially has
8:08
Speaker 1: been the case since having children, as I need to
8:10
Speaker 1: work part time or flexible hours. On the other hand,
8:12
Speaker 1: in roles where i've been promoted into management or higher positions,
8:15
Speaker 1: I feel like an imposter. I work so hard to
8:17
Speaker 1: not put a foot out of line to continue to
8:20
Speaker 1: prove myself to be worthy. This is exhausting, and I
8:22
Speaker 1: really want to break the cycle of needing to always
8:24
Speaker 1: be likable and easy to work with. I tie so
8:27
Speaker 1: much of my personal value to how I am doing
8:29
Speaker 1: at work and don't put nearly as much pressure of
8:31
Speaker 1: myself in other aspects of my life.
8:33
Speaker 2: Thank you for answering this question.
8:35
Speaker 1: Okay, I think this a lot of this, and I
8:39
Speaker 1: keep saying I need to do a podcast on this,
8:41
Speaker 1: but anyway, I'm going to do a podcast on this.
8:43
Speaker 1: A lot of this comes down to this concept of
8:45
Speaker 1: like growth mindset versus fixed mindset. So if you're someone
8:50
Speaker 1: that has a fixed mindset, you have kind of like
8:52
Speaker 1: a fixed idea of what you think you are capable
8:56
Speaker 1: of achieving. Right, So, because you're like you've got an
8:59
Speaker 1: idea of you're calling this a low skilled job, so
9:01
Speaker 1: you're like, I'm capable of achieving this. I can smash it.
9:05
Speaker 1: And then I get all this accolades, and you know,
9:08
Speaker 1: I feel really acknowledged by everyone, and you know, I
9:12
Speaker 1: feel really secure in what I'm doing because people need me,
9:15
Speaker 1: and I get really validated in all of this, and
9:17
Speaker 1: I feel like I know what I'm doing and I'm
9:19
Speaker 1: very confident. The moment you step outside of your zone
9:20
Speaker 1: and you get imposter syndrome, you know, I can't do this.
9:23
Speaker 1: It is going to be too hard. I'm not going
9:24
Speaker 1: to be able to. That is called fixed mindset. So
9:28
Speaker 1: fixed mindset is even if you're good at something, you
9:31
Speaker 1: stay in your lane because you've got this idea of like,
9:34
Speaker 1: this is as good as I'm going to get. Even
9:36
Speaker 1: if you're smart, they're really really like smart. It doesn't
9:39
Speaker 1: matter where you sit on the spectrum of quote unquote intelligence.
9:43
Speaker 1: Anyone can have this fixed mindset. So, for example, if
9:45
Speaker 1: you look at children, even children that really excel, if
9:49
Speaker 1: they believe themselves to be really smart, they're actually less
9:52
Speaker 1: likely to take risks because they don't want to break
9:56
Speaker 1: this image that other people have of them. They don't
9:58
Speaker 1: want to ruin this title that they have of being smart.
10:01
Speaker 1: So they're going to stay within the parameters of someone
10:05
Speaker 1: who is still known as being smart. If they then
10:07
Speaker 1: try something too far outside their realm, they're going to
10:10
Speaker 1: have not succeeded, potentially failed, would they still be smart? Okay,
10:14
Speaker 1: so that's why there's this whole question of should you
10:16
Speaker 1: always be praising your child saying you're so smart, you're
10:18
Speaker 1: so smart, you're so smart. I personally don't think that's
10:21
Speaker 1: a good idea. What I think is better is to
10:23
Speaker 1: encourage children for being Like God, you're a hard worker,
10:26
Speaker 1: you try really hard. Love how much you try. I
10:28
Speaker 1: love how many times you give that a go over.
10:29
Speaker 1: And you're not praising winning. You're not saying you've lost,
10:32
Speaker 1: you've won. You're saying you're a fucking hard worker. You
10:34
Speaker 1: really stick it out, you really work hard. That's the
10:37
Speaker 1: growth mindset. So fixed mindset, I don't know if I
10:39
Speaker 1: fucked up.
10:40
Speaker 2: I think i've muddled up before.
10:41
Speaker 1: That fixed mindset is where you've got a fixed idea
10:43
Speaker 1: of your capabilities, and because of that, you really attach
10:47
Speaker 1: yourself to that. So anything outside of that is a threat. Therefore,
10:51
Speaker 1: you're not going to be too far out of that.
10:52
Speaker 1: You're not going to risk. You're not going to take
10:54
Speaker 1: risks because if you quote unquote fail with that risk
10:58
Speaker 1: that you take, it's going to affect your image of
11:00
Speaker 1: yourself and other people's image of you. Growth mindset is
11:04
Speaker 1: someone who knows that things are changeable. They are more flexible.
11:08
Speaker 1: They can think, you know, they can become smarter, they
11:11
Speaker 1: can become more dynamic, they can become better at this,
11:13
Speaker 1: they can learn this.
11:14
Speaker 2: They ca alhlahla, become academic, become whatever. Okay.
11:17
Speaker 1: So when you've got this growth mindset, because you are
11:20
Speaker 1: aware that your mind is flexible and things can change,
11:23
Speaker 1: you're not too afraid of taking risks. Okay, you can
11:26
Speaker 1: take risks. You can put yourself out there, you can
11:28
Speaker 1: do you know, there's all these things that you're more
11:29
Speaker 1: willing to do. Children who are praised for trying and
11:33
Speaker 1: being a hard worker will will fail as many times
11:36
Speaker 1: as necessary in order to do the thing because they
11:38
Speaker 1: get their value from trying, from giving it a go.
11:43
Speaker 1: And if they fail, they're like, well this one didn't work,
11:45
Speaker 1: but I'm going to try again. And then I succeeded
11:47
Speaker 1: here and I try, but I'm.
11:48
Speaker 2: You know, I can. I'm a hard worker.
11:49
Speaker 1: So even though you work really hard, I think that
11:52
Speaker 1: you've got this fixed mindset. Just for the limited knowledge
11:55
Speaker 1: that I have of you, I believe that you might
11:57
Speaker 1: have a fixed mindset around like what your capabilities are
11:59
Speaker 1: because you feel comfortable in your quote unquote low skilled job,
12:02
Speaker 1: but you feel validated when you are needed by everyone, right,
12:07
Speaker 1: But then the moment you try and go to a
12:08
Speaker 1: harder job, you feel extremely uncomfortable and out of your
12:10
Speaker 1: comfort zone.
12:11
Speaker 2: So there's a few things that you should do here.
12:12
Speaker 2: I think a lot of it seems like you enjoy it.
12:15
Speaker 1: So I'm not saying don't like some people go to
12:17
Speaker 1: work and they love to just slog it out and
12:19
Speaker 1: work hard. I don't think there's anything wrong with that
12:21
Speaker 1: if you enjoy it. If you like I want to
12:24
Speaker 1: get there, and I want it to be wall to
12:26
Speaker 1: wall work. I want to be fucking on. I want
12:29
Speaker 1: something to do the entire time. I don't want to
12:31
Speaker 1: like fuck around. If you enjoy that, and if you're
12:34
Speaker 1: not feeling burnt out, I'm not going to tell you
12:36
Speaker 1: to stop because that might just be one of your
12:38
Speaker 1: traits that is a part of your personality that you like.
12:41
Speaker 2: Okay. So what I am going.
12:43
Speaker 1: To suggest, though, is if you want to break out
12:46
Speaker 1: of this kind of cycle off I'm too much people pleasing,
12:49
Speaker 1: is you need to identify what it is that is
12:53
Speaker 1: something that you're not actually enjoying doing because you're saying
12:55
Speaker 1: that you're a people pleaser, but it looks like it's
12:57
Speaker 1: pleasing you a lot. So you need to ask yourself,
13:00
Speaker 1: you know, where is it that I can actually step
13:03
Speaker 1: back on because you're afraid to quote unquote drop the
13:05
Speaker 1: ball and people aren't going to, you know, respect you
13:08
Speaker 1: as much. There's a difference between saying I'm at my capacity,
13:11
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be able to take that on today,
13:14
Speaker 1: versus saying I'll take everything on and then dropping the
13:17
Speaker 1: ball and forgetting something and then someone relying on you
13:19
Speaker 1: for something and then you're not coming through with it
13:21
Speaker 1: because you said you could do and in reality you couldn't.
13:23
Speaker 1: So maybe you need to start looking at how do
13:25
Speaker 1: I get better at saying I'm not able to take
13:27
Speaker 1: this on. It's you know, a lot of people are
13:30
Speaker 1: terrified to say no because they think people will respect
13:32
Speaker 1: them less, but in fact, people will actually respect you
13:35
Speaker 1: more because they're like, this person knows their boundaries, this
13:38
Speaker 1: person knows what they are and are not capable of.
13:40
Speaker 1: When that person says yes in the future, it means
13:42
Speaker 1: that actually, you know they can do it. When they
13:44
Speaker 1: say no, it's because they've maxed out. So there's many
13:47
Speaker 1: ways that you can say. But you could say this week,
13:49
Speaker 1: I'm not going to have the capacity for that, or
13:53
Speaker 1: my plate is full at the moment, or I don't
13:55
Speaker 1: think that I'll be the best person for that job.
13:57
Speaker 1: You can give me a B or C and I'll
13:59
Speaker 1: be a to help you with that. But with this
14:01
Speaker 1: particular thing, I'm not sure I'll be the best person.
14:03
Speaker 1: Maybe so and so we might be.
14:04
Speaker 2: Better at that.
14:05
Speaker 1: You know, people don't disrespect you when you say that,
14:08
Speaker 1: It actually is more respectful. So for example, when I
14:11
Speaker 1: used to work, if I knew that someone else that
14:13
Speaker 1: I worked with, you know, in the fitness industry, you know,
14:15
Speaker 1: when we were setting up polity studios and like, there
14:18
Speaker 1: were people in my team that had skill sets that
14:20
Speaker 1: I absolutely.
14:21
Speaker 2: Did not possess.
14:21
Speaker 1: So when people come and ask me something and be
14:23
Speaker 1: like that is you know, Sarah, can Sarah for sure?
14:26
Speaker 2: Or Vet for sure?
14:26
Speaker 1: Or you know, you actually feel and people respect you
14:29
Speaker 1: a lot more when you can highlight the strengths of
14:33
Speaker 1: others and saying maybe go to them for that, but
14:35
Speaker 1: I'm really good at this.
14:36
Speaker 2: You know.
14:37
Speaker 1: So for example, even when people come to my classes,
14:39
Speaker 1: they'll be like, oh, you know, like ave Canda, and
14:41
Speaker 1: I'd say, well, if you want this kind of class,
14:43
Speaker 1: you need to go to e VT's class because she's
14:44
Speaker 1: amazing at this, So you need to go to Sara's
14:45
Speaker 1: class for this. I'm more like this and whatever. When
14:47
Speaker 1: you can say this is what I'm good at and
14:50
Speaker 1: other people are good at that, you're you'll actually empower yourself.
14:54
Speaker 1: You're not People aren't going to be like.
14:55
Speaker 2: Oh my god, she's a failing. Oh she's not good
14:57
Speaker 2: at absolutely everything, because no one is.
14:59
Speaker 1: And people, please this is you know, sometimes forget or
15:02
Speaker 1: fail to realize or ignore the fact that they're not
15:06
Speaker 1: demanding all this from other people. But why do they
15:09
Speaker 1: think that other people are demanding all of this from them?
15:11
Speaker 1: People are not gonna like you more if you do
15:13
Speaker 1: everything for them. I can guarantee you that in if anything,
15:16
Speaker 1: they'll probably take you for granted. If you are always
15:19
Speaker 1: available twenty for seven at all costs, no matter who
15:22
Speaker 1: this person is, even if they don't reciprocate, and it's
15:26
Speaker 1: all the time, then there's a big chance, not always,
15:29
Speaker 1: but there's a big chance that you'll be taken for granted,
15:31
Speaker 1: and then people will actually not value you in the
15:34
Speaker 1: way you think they're valuing you. So you've got to
15:35
Speaker 1: put yourself first. You have to value yourself first. Do
15:38
Speaker 1: the stuff that you love doing. Work your ass off
15:39
Speaker 1: if you like working your ass off. But you've got
15:41
Speaker 1: to understand that there will be no one is going
15:44
Speaker 1: to respect you less when you say you can't do something.
15:46
Speaker 1: The amount of times that I've said I can't do something,
15:49
Speaker 1: I don't have the time to do something, I don't
15:50
Speaker 1: have the capacity to do something. And I genuine I
15:52
Speaker 1: mean maybe, but I genuinely believe that no one's like,
15:55
Speaker 1: oh my god, she's not as smart as we thought
15:57
Speaker 1: she was, she's not as good as what she does.
15:59
Speaker 1: They're still gonna say, you're fucking good at what you do. Unfortunately,
16:01
Speaker 1: you can't take on this role, this job that I've
16:03
Speaker 1: got for you, this other task that I've got for you. Okay,
16:06
Speaker 1: So you've got to think of it in that way.
16:09
Speaker 1: I kind of frambled on multiple different ways to look
16:11
Speaker 1: at it. But I hope that that gave you some
16:12
Speaker 1: food for thought. But look up growth mindset versus fixed mindset.
16:15
Speaker 1: And also yet like have a very clear idea of
16:18
Speaker 1: what you can say when you can't take something on,
16:21
Speaker 1: be very clear on what your strengths are. When you're
16:23
Speaker 1: really comfortable with your strengths, it's okay to then say
16:26
Speaker 1: no to things that are not your strength. It doesn't
16:28
Speaker 1: feel like a blow to your own ego because you're
16:30
Speaker 1: comfortable within what you're good at. Okay, all right, another one?
16:41
Speaker 1: All right, last one, Hi, Alexis. I love your podcast.
16:45
Speaker 1: I've been listening since I was in high school and
16:47
Speaker 1: it has really helped me a ton.
16:48
Speaker 2: Thank you. I'm about to finish finance.
16:50
Speaker 1: In university with a bit of work experience, but self
16:53
Speaker 1: development and human nature is really my favorite thing ever.
16:56
Speaker 1: I spend most of my free time just reading, listening
16:59
Speaker 1: to podcasts, and constantly evolving. But I'm worried about not
17:02
Speaker 1: going into finance and what my family slash friends might think.
17:06
Speaker 1: I also am not sure how I would even contribute
17:08
Speaker 1: my knowledge to the field, as I'm introverted and don't
17:11
Speaker 1: know what role I could start. Do you have any advice? Okay,
17:16
Speaker 1: So this is really this is really difficult because you're
17:20
Speaker 1: very young and you're finding something that you're passionate in,
17:22
Speaker 1: and you're about to enter this field that you're not
17:24
Speaker 1: passionate in.
17:25
Speaker 2: Number one.
17:25
Speaker 1: I think you need to decide is this something that
17:28
Speaker 1: I want to do as a career or is this
17:31
Speaker 1: something that I would feel fulfilled in just knowing a
17:35
Speaker 1: lot about and educating myself a lot on the topic
17:37
Speaker 1: and just being really into it, Because there's two separate things.
17:40
Speaker 2: Obviously.
17:41
Speaker 1: Now, if you're saying no, i'd love to have a
17:44
Speaker 1: career in this, then I'm sorry to tell you, but
17:47
Speaker 1: now is the time that you need to start looking
17:49
Speaker 1: at having a career in that. And the reason I
17:51
Speaker 1: say this is because of this whole thing which I've
17:53
Speaker 1: said a thousand times, but it's the sunk cost fallacy,
17:56
Speaker 1: you know, we think because you're going to think, I've
17:59
Speaker 1: done degree in finance, I'm about to finish and that
18:03
Speaker 1: would be a waste, right, But what's more of a
18:05
Speaker 1: waste that you do your degree in finance and then
18:08
Speaker 1: you start a career in finance knowing you don't want.
18:10
Speaker 2: To be there.
18:11
Speaker 1: Now, if you're standing here saying no, no, no, but
18:13
Speaker 1: I still want to do finance, like I'm still saying
18:15
Speaker 1: interested in it whatever, then of course give finance a go,
18:18
Speaker 1: because I think it's if you're still like, no, part
18:20
Speaker 1: of me really likes this, then you might start the
18:22
Speaker 1: career and be like, yeah, wow, I'm excelling at this.
18:25
Speaker 1: I love this, I'm thriving here, and I can look
18:27
Speaker 1: at mindset and psychology and all of that, and you know,
18:31
Speaker 1: like you were saying, you know, self development and everything.
18:35
Speaker 2: As something on the side. So if you want to
18:38
Speaker 2: give it a shot.
18:38
Speaker 1: Because you're still interested, I would absolutely encourage that. I'm
18:41
Speaker 1: not saying, oh, just quit now, fucking quit now. Definitely
18:45
Speaker 1: give it a shot. But I feel like you're saying,
18:47
Speaker 1: you know, I'm worried about not going into finance and
18:50
Speaker 1: what my family and friends might think. That's another thing
18:54
Speaker 1: that a lot of us use as a reason to
18:56
Speaker 1: not do things, and it's a valid reason because we
18:58
Speaker 1: obviously care about what people and we also don't want
19:01
Speaker 1: to be in this uncomfortable situation where we're having to
19:04
Speaker 1: explain ourselves and people are trying to argue, you know,
19:06
Speaker 1: a different point and trying to get us to do
19:08
Speaker 1: something and try, you know, and then they think that
19:09
Speaker 1: we've made the wrong decision, And of course it's going
19:11
Speaker 1: to play on your mind.
19:12
Speaker 2: Like we're not robots. Of course we care about what
19:14
Speaker 2: people think.
19:14
Speaker 1: But you have to think what will this feel like
19:18
Speaker 1: in five years time, in ten years time. I just
19:21
Speaker 1: feel like, if you're in a position where you're about
19:23
Speaker 1: to finish your degree, you haven't lost that degree, right,
19:27
Speaker 1: it's there. You can go and work in finance later on.
19:31
Speaker 1: If you change your mind, you haven't lost that degree.
19:33
Speaker 1: You haven't lost that knowledge. I did my undergrad in
19:37
Speaker 1: cognitive neuroscience and I didn't use it for six years.
19:42
Speaker 2: I went into polates, and because.
19:45
Speaker 1: I was like, this is what I'm doing, I'm going
19:47
Speaker 1: into polities, no one really questioned it. Every so often
19:50
Speaker 1: I would get are you going to ever do anything
19:52
Speaker 1: with that degree? But not even in a judging way.
19:54
Speaker 1: People would just genuinely curious, like and my answer would
19:57
Speaker 1: be like, I don't know, I don't know. I'd love to,
19:59
Speaker 1: but I I don't know where it could lead me.
20:02
Speaker 1: So what I would recommend if you're actually stuck, is
20:05
Speaker 1: you finish the degree. You're pretty much done, you're about
20:07
Speaker 1: to finish finance, Finish it of guessing it's this year,
20:11
Speaker 1: and then put it on hold. Get a job on
20:15
Speaker 1: the side so you can think, just get keep working
20:17
Speaker 1: whatever part time droid you're working. While you've been at
20:19
Speaker 1: UNI and think how can I get into self development?
20:21
Speaker 1: Because you might be introverted, but you might find that
20:23
Speaker 1: you're really interested in psychology where you're talking one on one,
20:27
Speaker 1: you might think that, oh, I actually want to write,
20:29
Speaker 1: or I want to work in a clinical setting, or
20:31
Speaker 1: I want to work more so in like the beauty
20:33
Speaker 1: about self development and the mind, and you know human
20:37
Speaker 1: mind and psychology and human nature. Is that there isn't
20:40
Speaker 1: It is an infinite field that you can dabble into,
20:43
Speaker 1: Like I'm talking, and it's infinite. And I would go
20:47
Speaker 1: so far as to say, is that most of the
20:48
Speaker 1: people that I met in psychology and in neuroscience and
20:51
Speaker 1: all of that are probably introverted. You know, there's probably
20:54
Speaker 1: more jobs for introverted than there is extroverted in those fields.
20:57
Speaker 2: So you're in good company.
21:00
Speaker 1: I think it's important that you allow yourself this opportunity.
21:05
Speaker 2: You are so young.
21:06
Speaker 1: You are in your early twenties, I would imagine, because
21:09
Speaker 1: you've gone straight into UNI after high school.
21:11
Speaker 2: You are so young.
21:12
Speaker 1: Do not do not start thinking that it's a waste
21:15
Speaker 1: and you've got to go into finance. If you don't
21:17
Speaker 1: think it's right for you, at the very least, take
21:20
Speaker 1: a year, take a year, have a think, start doing.
21:23
Speaker 2: You can even do some short courses if you want.
21:25
Speaker 2: If you don't want to go straight back into UNI,
21:26
Speaker 2: you can do some short courses. You can.
21:28
Speaker 1: But to think I have to do finance because I've
21:31
Speaker 1: studied it and now that's it for my life. When
21:34
Speaker 1: you're in your early twenties, trust me, you get to
21:36
Speaker 1: thirty being like, fuck this shit. Now I'm going to
21:38
Speaker 1: start doing what I wanted to do, and I could
21:40
Speaker 1: have started it eight years ago. Okay, So unless you've
21:44
Speaker 1: got a burning desire to be like now I really
21:45
Speaker 1: want to get finance ago, then absolutely give it a go.
21:48
Speaker 1: But you can always go back to finance. You can
21:50
Speaker 1: always take that break. You can always You're so young.
21:52
Speaker 1: Most people in their early twenties, you know, haven't even
21:55
Speaker 1: started a course of doing what they're doing. A lot
21:57
Speaker 1: of people, you know, don't start now till like their
22:00
Speaker 1: mid twenties as far as studying goes. You know, they
22:03
Speaker 1: might travel a lot, They might be like working to
22:06
Speaker 1: save money to have all these experience. They might do
22:08
Speaker 1: other short courses in the meantime. They might have already
22:10
Speaker 1: started a career and then already stopped that and then
22:12
Speaker 1: started something new. Everyone's got a different path. But please
22:15
Speaker 1: don't stay in finance just because of what people will think,
22:17
Speaker 1: because you'll be kicking yourself in the future because those
22:20
Speaker 1: people of what they will think, they're not going to
22:22
Speaker 1: think much about it after they've like judged you once,
22:26
Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? Like they're not actually
22:29
Speaker 1: oldly your parents might care because they're more invested, but
22:32
Speaker 1: your friends, do you think they're actually going to lose
22:34
Speaker 1: sleep of the fact that you're not doing finance and
22:35
Speaker 1: not And your parents, ultimately, if they're healthy, you know,
22:40
Speaker 1: if you've got a healthy relationship with them, ultimately want
22:43
Speaker 1: you to be.
22:43
Speaker 2: Safe and healthy and happy. Right.
22:46
Speaker 1: So that's why there's a lot of pressure with you know,
22:49
Speaker 1: career with parents for the most part, unless they're actually
22:51
Speaker 1: really toxic and have like a hidden agenda. But in general,
22:54
Speaker 1: the reason is that pressure, it's not for malicious reasons,
22:57
Speaker 1: is because they're like, we want to make sure that
22:59
Speaker 1: you're financially secure, that you're happy with what you're doing
23:01
Speaker 1: and whatever, and this looks like a good job that's
23:03
Speaker 1: going to set you up for a good life, right,
23:04
Speaker 1: But if you're like, I'll be miserable doing that I
23:07
Speaker 1: don't want to do it. Then they'll understand. Okay, they
23:09
Speaker 1: might be a little bit like, oh, you know, it
23:10
Speaker 1: would have been nice that you would have but it
23:12
Speaker 1: doesn't matter. They'll get over it, and when they start
23:14
Speaker 1: saying that you're happy, they'll be thrilled that you made
23:16
Speaker 1: that decision. Okay, but to make a decision based on
23:19
Speaker 1: what people think. You're doing the easy thing now, but
23:22
Speaker 1: it's going to be the hard thing for you long term.
23:24
Speaker 1: You're doing the easy thing being pleasing people now, I
23:25
Speaker 1: don't have to face the judgment, but then later I'm
23:28
Speaker 1: going to be kicking myself. And there's nothing harder than
23:30
Speaker 1: regret when you knew back in the day that you
23:32
Speaker 1: should have done something different. There is no worse feeling
23:35
Speaker 1: versus I'm going to do the hard thing now, face
23:37
Speaker 1: the judgment, face people questioning me, face that why did
23:40
Speaker 1: you general, and then there'll be the easy path after that,
23:43
Speaker 1: being like, no, I don't have to care because I've
23:45
Speaker 1: done it once.
23:46
Speaker 2: It's fine.
23:46
Speaker 1: I can just like dance to the tune of my
23:49
Speaker 1: own fucking drama or whatever the saying is. That is all,
23:52
Speaker 1: and thank you for listening to me all this time.
23:54
Speaker 1: That is so fucking cool. And hopefully you, yeah, hopefully
23:58
Speaker 1: you're able to really listen to what it is that
24:00
Speaker 1: you want to do and follow it. And it doesn't
24:02
Speaker 1: matter that you're an introvert. There's so much you can
24:04
Speaker 1: do in that field as an introvert. Don't let that
24:06
Speaker 1: be a deterrent at all. Okay, thank you so much
24:09
Speaker 1: for writing in and thank you everyone for writing and
24:11
Speaker 1: sending your voice messages, sending.
24:13
Speaker 2: All of it. I love it. That is all for today,
24:16
Speaker 2: and remember, be kind to yourself, begond to your brain,
24:18
Speaker 2: don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit
24:21
Speaker 2: from yourself. Dun't he