Latest / DA CREW Podcast / _BONUS EPISODE__DA CREW PODCAST SEASON 1_ HOST LATONYA MICHELLE LITTLEJOHNN

Transcript

_BONUS EPISODE__DA CREW PODCAST SEASON 1_ HOST LATONYA MICHELLE LITTLEJOHNN · DA CREW Podcast

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Everybody good evening, Good evening, Good evening, everyone, Welcome to
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a bonus episode of Delay but not Denied the podcast. On tonight, we
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will be discussing abandonment issues. So abandonment issues are a form of anxiety that
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occurs when individuals has a strong fear of losing loved ones. People with abandonment
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issues can have difficulties in relationships. They may exhibit symptoms such as codependency,
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cleanliness, I'm sorry, and manipulative behavior. So before we get started,
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I would like to also go to the Lord in prayer, and tonight my
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prayer and my heart goes out to my cousin and Tony Staley. He's battling
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stage four cancer. He's in hospice tonight. But we know that God is
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in control and he has to say so over all of it. So,
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Heavenly Father, I come to you right now asking you to be in the
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midst of this podcast tonight. Let it touch who it needs to touch,
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Let the hearers hear what they need to hear. And Lord, I ask
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that you touch my family on tonight, give them what they need, and
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just be the peace that surpasses all understanding. It's in Jesus' name we pray
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Amen and without further ado, I have my friends with me tonight, Miss
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Nudget Scott and Miss Trevita Harris. Come on up, ladies, Hey,
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hey, hey, hello, Hello. How are y'all good? How about
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yourself? I'm here, bless, yes, Lass, So I want to
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discuss abandonment issues. We've gone through it, some of us in one way
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or another. For me, it was with being adopted. Felt like because
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I was disabled that my mom didn't want me. Then I felt like,
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after I got adopted because of my disability, the people that adopted me and
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said that they would take care of me, you know, I felt like
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they dropped the ball on that, and I felt like they didn't want me,
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which led to a bunch of unstable relationships where I never felt wanted,
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cared for and loved. So my question to you ladies tonight, Trevida will
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start with you, have you ever felt abandoned? I have to answer that
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is yes, because I wasn't raised by neither mom, my mom or my
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dad, and so growing up, my entire family lived in the same neighborhood
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for a long time. So I watched my cousins have their mom and their
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dad with them you know, consistently, and here I am. I know
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who my parents are, but I don't know where they are and why they
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I'm not with them, and so that was an issue for me for quite
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some time, you know. So that's about the only time that I can
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say that I felt alone, felt lost, felt like, you know,
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my far my parents didn't want me because they wasn't there, you know,
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they wasn't there on a consistent basis, right d D. What about you?
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I was in here thinking and trying to, you know, I guess
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rationalize the feeling of abandonment, but I think, just like you Latanya,
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being adopted, I always wondered, you know, and being their first child,
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wondered why they kept the second one but didn't keep me. And I
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always thought it was, you know, the disability, and it's like,
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okay, well what was wrong with me? And when I asked the question,
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I probably was about sixteen years old, and my mom, actually my
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biological mother, got mad with my adopted mom and was like, she don't
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need to be asking those kind of questions. And my mother said she does
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need to ask those questions because she needs answers and I can't give them to
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her. She didn't want to answer the question. She felt I was not
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of the right age according to their culture to ask that type of question.
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So then again I'm feeling like lost and not knowing anything. You know?
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So yeah, have you both ever felt abandoned in relationships? Whether it be
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marriages, friendships? We were teenage moms, So have you ever felt abandoned
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and felt like you were left on your own to raise your children? Trevita,
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I missed the question of my internet hanging over here doing his own thing.
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I was asking have you ever felt abandoned in relationships? Whether it be
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romantic relationships with your family? Being that we were teenage moms, did you
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ever feel like you were traveling that road alone? I can say when I
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was married, the only time I felt abandoned was when it came down to
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parenting. I felt like I did a lot of that by myself. But
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other than that, as far as like relationship wise, now, because the
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thing with me is it's something that I learned being a teenager is either you're
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gonna be here you're not. I can't force you to stay, you know,
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and once you start getting on my nerves and I'm getting on yours and
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we're not compatible anymore, there's always an exit, you know. So as
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far as relationship wise, now, I never really felt that type of abandonment
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from a partner. But as far as parents wise, yeah, that's about
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the only place I've ever felt that abandonment issue. What about you, d
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d Well currently? There have been times where I feel like I'm doing this
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by myself and I'm you know, talking about my marriage, you know,
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where I'm like trying to figure out are we in this together? What we're
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doing? Yeah, I've definitely you know, I don't have kids, but
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it's like sometimes I'm fighting up against the wall trying to do what needs to
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be done, and nobody wants to do it the way. You know,
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I'm suggesting to do it. You want to do it your way, So
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okay, you know, it's like what am I here for? All right?
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For me, I think I felt abandoned in a lot of situations in
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my life. I felt like, you know, when I had my son,
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that everybody was like looking down on me in a way of saying,
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you know, you're sixteen years old. There's no way that you can possibly
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take care of a baby and do it, you know. With his father,
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or whatever as far as relationships, and I don't know if that has
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a lot to do with me being adopted and not actually having a daughter father
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relationship. So I clinged to the wrong type of men, and you know
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that left me in in a battered abused abused and I felt I felt alone
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in most of those situations as well. So what did you do to get
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out of feeling dealing with the abandonment trivita? Okay, I get to go
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first on aladys hang out trying to do that. You know, when it's
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alright, I'll be first. You know, I'm always going to be first,
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as I'm always the smallest one, So you know, is that right?
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I think y'all actually the same height. I'm about the same height.
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We I'm four nine girl, utah fo eight. Yes, it's just that's
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why I said I'm always in front. But anyway, how I was able
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to get over my abandonment issue was I took my emotions out of it and
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I had to come to terms with seeing why my mom was not there and
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trying to understand why my dad wasn't there. And once I started putting those
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things in perspective for myself, it was like, okay, Well, they
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had their reasons, so it wasn't anything personal. It wasn't about me.
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It was about what they needed to do and what they felt was right for
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me. So it was more of not being selfish on their part, but
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more of a loving standpoint. And so once I realized that because I had
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to take the emotion out of it, I had to take the feeling out
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of it to get an understanding. And once I was able to do that,
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it made more sense and I couldn't fault them, and I couldn't blame
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them because my mom she had to deal with that issue as well. My
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mom wasn't raised by her mother either, and so it was something that was
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put in her head at a very early age that her mother didn't want her,
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that her mother tried to kill her when she was a baby, in
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all of these things, and so growing up I heard this consistently. And
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then the same people who raised me, they also repeated these same things to
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me, Well, your mama don't want you, and this, that and
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the third and that wasn't the case. And I got to really and truly
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understand that as I built my relationship with my mom, and you know,
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she's not here with us any longer. But the things that I learned,
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even during this journey of her for the last six months that we had consistent
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conversations and talks with was that my mother did what she thought was best for
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me, and her absence was what kept me and my other siblings safe,
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you know. And that was one of the hardest things that she had to
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do, and she blamed herself for a lot of things, but it was
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the way that she was conditioned. And so when we learn how to separate
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ourselves from what we feel to look at the reality of the situation, I
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think we're able to better handle those issues because we can always say, well,
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you know what, this is how I'm feeling in this moment, and
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this is what triggered it. But if we never ever take the emotion out
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of it, we can never move forward from anything because we take everything so
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personal, and some things are personal, but some things are not intentional,
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and we have the wrong intention behind that person's actions. So we hold on
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to those issues for so long, and we can't let go because we feel
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like if we let go, then we're forgetting about what happened. No,
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you're not forgetting about what happened. You've just learned a better way to process
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it, right, m Oh wow, you want to follow me? I
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should have went first. I followed that, and well my next one,
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I'll go back. No, no, I'm going for her. It's all
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good that no, but that that, you know. I got a lock
15:35
on what she just said because it made me think as well, because growing
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up people always kind of I'm Haitian, My culture is Haitian. And I
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learned a lot from moving down here in Florida and getting to know my family
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just a little bit, even though I have realized now they really don't want
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anything to do with me. But that's a lesson learned as well. But
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their loss, thank you. I learned that everybody used to blame my mom
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a lot. They used to say, well, she was the one that
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didn't want you, and she was the one that didn't da da da da
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da, and she didn't you know. And I realize now that she went
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through a lot. She had to be the one to choose because in the
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culture, it seems like the women raised the children. So it was if
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she kept a child with special needs, you would have to keep that child
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and raise it yourself. So that's a lot to put on somebody who's never
16:32
raised a special needs child, and then to do it in the culture and
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in America. Then you don't know if you're going to get the help in
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me. You don't know if you know. So I feel like she made
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the decision to give me up because it would have been better for me.
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But my dad made it look like it was better. It was like he
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made the decision and it was better on that. No, it was her
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decision to do that, and I hate that. For so long, I
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hated her for that because I didn't understand the backstory of it, and so
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I hated. I had hate for this, for this lady. And I
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was thankful that before she passed, like years before years, so before she
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passed, I was able to mend that. And that was nothing but God,
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because I really I couldn't stand her name. I didn't want nobody tell
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me I looked like her. It irritated me so bad, I mean to
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no ends. So but now when they said, or they since I've been
17:29
here in Florida, a lot of people know her. So if some lady
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even stopped me at warm, I was like, are you Antwinette's daughter?
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And I'm like yeah, and they was like, you look just like her,
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And it didn't bother me. I knew I had gone past that,
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but yeah, it's just it makes no sense to me why people would just
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just make up stuff, but it benefits them, the lies bene for other
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people, you know, And that's one of the things that I can relate
17:56
to being embarrassed about mom. Like mama, she had an alcohol problem,
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she had a drug problem, you know, and that was one of the
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things that I was really embarrassed about as a kid growing up because my mama
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would get drunk or whatever, honey, whatever was on her mind. She
18:12
was finna take you. And so, you know, so when anybody would
18:18
say, well, you acting just like your mama, you look just like
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your mom, I'm like, please, don't say that, you know,
18:23
don't say that out loud, don't talk about her. You know. I
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was really, you know, embarrassed. And but as I got older,
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I want to say, around my mid twenties, it was just like,
18:37
Okay, that's my mama, that's who she is. But I started to
18:41
understand a little bit more about her history and what she went through and all
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of that. And so once I was able to separate that. I started
18:52
to see my mama for who she was and the struggles and why she turned
18:56
to the drugs and alcohol and all of those things, and so that was
19:00
her way of coping. Now me, on the other end, you can
19:04
say whatever you want to say about me. However, it's not what you
19:10
say about me is what I choose to answer to. You know, I
19:14
get called mean all the time. I hear that so much that it's like,
19:18
Okay, that's your opinion of me, But what did you do to
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provoke that side of me? You don't want to take accountability for that.
19:25
So it is. It is what it is, and I will forever be
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mean if that's how you want to feel about it. But also whatever,
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like I told my dad this, I said, I am the sum of
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the both of you. You're kind of cool and laid back and let things
19:41
pass, you know, let people ice skater all over your feelings or whatever.
19:45
And then when you've reached that bailling point is when you explode. Now
19:51
me, on the other end, my mama, she would have to use
19:53
something to get her to do that. Now me, Now, whatever you
19:59
said moment, if it struck a nerve with me, you gonna hear about
20:03
it in that moment. I'm not gonna tell you two three later times later.
20:07
I'm gonna tell you right then and there. And so that's where it's
20:12
like, Okay, so you being mean, no, no, no,
20:15
you said something that I didn't like, and I'm gonna address it right now.
20:21
But having to deal with, you know, my mama not being there
20:26
as a kid was it was a struggle because I wanted that mother daughter relationship.
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I wanted that father daughter relationship. Like it led me to writing a
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poem, Never Daddy's Little Girl when I was thirty six years old, because
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I wanted that relationship, you know. And the poem my dad read,
20:48
and of course it was hurtful to him, but it was healing for me
20:52
because I had to let go of what I had expected to have, and
20:57
once I wrote that, all of that other stuff might me forgiving him.
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That was done when I wrote that poem, because he was never gonna be
21:08
the dad that I wanted him to be, but he was gonna be the
21:11
dad that I needed. And once I let all that other stuff go,
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it's like, Okay, now I just need you to do what it is
21:19
that you need to do. We can't go back and fix yesterday. You
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can't teach me how to ride a bike, you can't teach me about boys.
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You can't teach me about those things anymore because I'm doing them. I'm
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grown. I don't be married, I don't been divorced. I have three
21:33
children, they're grown. We can't fix yesterday. We can fix today,
21:38
and we can work towards a better tomorrow doing today, but we can't fix
21:44
those things. And so when I wrote that poem, it was forgiveness for
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myself and forgiving my dad. And it's like, Okay, you can look
21:53
at it as it's it's hurting you, but are you looking at it from
21:57
the standpoint in which I wrote it? Mm hmmm, right. Well,
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for me, I felt like I've always felt like I've been in the way,
22:14
like a disappointment. My mom used to always tell me, you know,
22:19
your biological mom didn't want you, why would anybody else want you?
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And I that so that's in my head. Oh yeah, been trying to
22:36
like lean on God a lot, you know, trying to ask for clarity.
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But in my abandonment, it has caused me to be clingy when certain
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situations, in certain areas I'm supposed to let go. I want to go
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back to something you said, Trevida about taking your feelings out of it.
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How do you do that? How do you do It's definitely not easy to
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do that at all, It's really not. But you have to look at
23:07
the situation as a whole. And when you are able to look at the
23:11
situation, Okay, like my mom, she wasn't there for me, But
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I had to take my feelings out and see why she wasn't there for me,
23:22
what circumstances led up to that, And so when I was able to
23:26
put myself in her shoes, Okay, what would my mother had done if
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she had a different choice, Would she have made the same choice. I
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don't know, but I can look at what she was given, the choices
23:41
that she was given, and that was this is the family that you're stuck
23:48
with. You can either stay here or you can choose to run away.
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You run away, your options are you have absolutely nothing in nobody, so
24:00
you stay here. It's not the greatest treatment, but at least these people
24:06
cared enough to take you in. So they cared enough to take her in,
24:10
cared enough to raise her, cared enough to get her to adulthood.
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My mother had me when she was eighteen years old, so she graduated high
24:18
school. Was really smart, you know, intelligent woman, but they were
24:25
constantly beating her down because of whatever the relationship with her mother was with her
24:30
sister. That was something that she had to bear the brunts up. So
24:34
me being able to look at that, it helped me to say, Okay,
24:40
well my mom that dealt with that. Do I blame her? Do
24:47
I fault her? Do I continue to hold on to that because she didn't
24:52
she wasn't there, or do I let it go and move forward? Because
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we always put our parents in an expectation of you're my mama and you my
25:03
daddy, and you supposed to do this. Well, no, they're not
25:07
supposed to. It's they're not obligated. And that's the thing that we make
25:11
the mistake in thinking that they're obligated to do something. Yes, they made
25:17
a choice to, you know, do the act to create the children,
25:22
you know, that conscious decision, But they also have the right to say,
25:29
well, I ain't all I signed up for. It's not what I
25:33
anticipated, it's not what I wanted, you know, So do I still
25:38
continue on with the choice of actually raising this child, seeking around and doing
25:42
what's necessary. Because I had my child when I was seventeen, my first
25:45
one, I knew absolutely nothing about being a mama. I just knew I
25:52
didn't want my kids to grow up in an environment or a space of not
25:57
feeling wanted and not feeling love because I grew up like that. Having them
26:03
to understand that Mommy loves you. Mommy's gonna be here. There's gonna be
26:10
days where Mommy's gonna make a mistake, but we're gonna be able to talk
26:14
about it and talk about your feelings and talk about how today you felt like
26:18
I wasn't there for you. And that's how it's helped me to be able
26:23
to just step back from the situation, because a lot of times we don't
26:29
want to step back because we feel like if we're stepping back, we're letting
26:32
go of what we feel. But you're not letting go of what you feel.
26:34
Is just if you're acting out of emotions, you basically are forfeit than
26:41
everything else that can come with it, because you don't want to hear what
26:45
the person is having to say. You don't want to see it from another
26:48
perspective. You don't want to hear anything that does not coincide with your feelings.
26:52
That's why I tell people all the time, be careful of what you
26:56
ask of someone because the answer that you've already given yourself is not gonna align
27:00
with what you want to hear. And if that's the problem, don't ask
27:04
the question because we're not prepared to hear the answer because we've already gave ourself
27:10
the answer that we're expecting. So when you're expecting that answer, when somebody
27:14
disagrees with me, I don't even wanna talk to you, know more,
27:15
because you ain't even saying what I want to hear, right, So that's
27:21
that's the thing. Yeah, but it's not easy to take your feelings out
27:25
of it. It's really not me. I I live inside of my feelings,
27:33
y'all know, well I deal with as you both know. When I
27:42
got married, I left my son with my mom and my dad because I
27:47
didn't know how the marriage was gonna go. And what I did know was
27:52
I didn't want to take my son from what he knew, and you know,
27:56
the safety that they created for him, They created something for him that
28:00
they they I didn't get that, but that's the grand babyhound, that's how
28:06
they go. And I learned, I learned, I learned. I'm grateful
28:11
for the love that they provided for him. But where I kicked myself at
28:18
is because I was away from him for so long. Now that he's a
28:22
grown man, I'm looking at him like, you know, you're grown,
28:29
you don't need me anymore. And I feel like I have and he's never
28:36
told me that he doesn't need me. Personal feelingness in me and that ain't
28:41
got none, and all of it has me in a choke hold, like
28:48
I beat myself up literally thinking and that I felt him as a mom.
28:57
I feel like I fell my granddaughter so times. And you know, I
29:03
just you know, I'm at a place where I just want a do over,
29:10
Like if I could just start over on that right now and make the
29:18
best of it, because we can't find life now, got it? But
29:23
mm hmmm? And I know, I know, I know that God is
29:30
like, what is wrong with her? But he made me? So you
29:34
know, I'm just for you to get it together because He's like, look
29:40
him, not look here. You didn't know you could with the situation you
29:48
had, exactly, it's the hand of you were dealt exactly. You.
29:52
You just got to take those cards and figure out how you want to actually
29:57
win the game. Yeah yeah, and be thankful your parents didn't do to
30:03
him what they did to you. This way, he doesn't have to carry
30:08
that. So you did do the best, you know in the situation.
30:12
Your son loved you the pieces girl. Please. And I tell my kids
30:19
all the time, I'm not perfect. I make mistakes, you know.
30:25
And my kids look at me as if I'm a superhero, and I don't
30:29
told them I ain't no dog on superhero. I'm not superwoman, you know,
30:36
but they where I do. You know, I've been sick pretty much
30:41
most of their life, you know, especially after Kyler hit a little soon
30:47
as she hit thirteen, I had a stroke. So the majority of their
30:52
young childhood, they were watching me take care of myself, take care of
30:57
them, and still manage to do everything. So to this mommy is a
31:03
superhero. They don't see anything else. And now that my older two have
31:07
children of their own, we literally just had this conversation my daughter first and
31:15
my son's second, because my daughter, she was having an issue of meltdown
31:21
with my grandbaby and so she was just crying. So I went over there
31:25
to check on both of them, and she was like, Mommy, I
31:29
don't know how you did this three times. I'm done with one. And
31:34
she was like, you just made it look so easy. And I was
31:37
like, well, baby, it wasn't, I said. In parenting does
31:40
not come with a manual, I said, so, I've made many mistakes.
31:45
I felt like in certain areas I failed y'all because I would I didn't
31:48
have it all together, I said. And y'all know that I will forever
31:52
be a big kid because I grew up with y'all. I said, So
31:56
it is what it is. And then the following day or two, my
32:00
oldest son, him and his family were in a car accident and that was
32:07
one of those things, and so he was a little upset and he was
32:10
like, and I had to tell him that at anytime you need me,
32:15
you call me and never feel like you're bothering me because I'm your mama and
32:20
that's not gonna change until the day that I leave this earth. I said,
32:23
so never feel bad and he was like, but mom, mom,
32:28
you made this look so easy. And I'm like, well, just like
32:30
I just told your sister, it was not easy. And he was like,
32:35
but you not hearing me, you made it look I said, Well,
32:39
that's the things that y'all were not supposed to see, I said,
32:44
And the things that y'all were not supposed to see because you needed to still
32:46
be children, and I wanted to ensure that you were still a child,
32:52
I said, So those things that was my way of protecting y'all from seeing
32:58
the hardness I said. And also I had to learn how to apologize to
33:04
my kids for seeing me in that strong capacity, because they never got to
33:08
see a woman be soft and vulnerable. I'm out there playing football with my
33:13
boys, I'm out there cutting the grass, I'm out there fencing in the
33:19
screened in porch. I'm out there, you know, changing plumbing pipes and
33:24
all of this stuff. So I mean, I didn't know you so like
33:31
the nails and wearing the dresses and the dirt smology. That was not me.
33:38
I was not that kind of mom. So they needed to see a
33:42
softer version. And now they semi say a softer version, not quite a
33:51
super one, because I don't really know what that is. You know,
33:55
I a few years a well, twenty twenty is really about the first year
34:00
that I ever had my nails done, you know, and that was something.
34:05
Yeah, my child talked me into it. And when I went and
34:08
got him done for the very first time, I chose my favorite color blue.
34:14
And so every time I would go to the nels along with my daughter,
34:19
the lady was like, are we doing something else besides blue? And
34:21
I was like, look here, I really I'm new to this. I
34:27
don't really know. I don't really know how how to go about this.
34:32
This is this is not my territory, this is not my space. You
34:37
know, I can't speak on something I don't know, So you know,
34:40
whatever you want to do. But we all have dealt with abandonment in some
34:46
type of way, some type of form. And when you become co dependent
34:52
on someone else, you struggle with letting go. And when you struggle with
35:00
letting go because you fear that no one else is going to be able to
35:06
feel, but you gotta look with themselves. What do you need from you
35:10
to show up? To let go of what you don't need anymore? Because
35:15
you carrying around baggage that ain't even yours to carry correct and you got to
35:20
give it back to somebody else, whoever it belongs to. That stay stuff
35:22
give it to them so that you don't have to deal with their abandonment issues.
35:28
You know, because we got a bag and if we actually sat down
35:31
to unpack our own stuff, half of the stuff that's in that bag don't
35:35
even belong to us. You carrying around dead way? What? Yes?
35:40
Exactly? And you know you speak about baggage and stuff, and what comes
35:47
to mind is Iraka Baidu's bag Lady. Yep. Yeah, And that song
35:54
resonates within my soul for so many different reasons. Like a certain verse he
36:04
said, you're gonna miss your bus. I'm like, yeah, you can't
36:19
harry up because you're carrying all that stuff right right? How do you put
36:34
the stuff down? Let it go? Let it go? Is it?
36:40
It's simple, It's just it is it is? Yeah, it really is.
36:47
Because why okay, if you have a rope and that rope and somebody
36:53
else is pulling on it, that rope is causing you pain. Are you
36:59
going to continue to hold on to the rope until you have nothing left?
37:01
But it's down to your balls, So either you'll continue to let it hurt
37:07
you or you're gonna let it go. So you have a choice. So
37:14
do you want to continue to hold it to hurt and be in pain,
37:17
or do you want to let the rope go? I think I would rather
37:20
let the rope go so that I don't have to feel that pain and start
37:23
to heal, because that's the only way you're gonna be able to do it.
37:29
So it really is that easy. You can continue the pain or you
37:34
can let it go so you can heal. But if you want to keep
37:37
holding on to it, then you want to keep that pain, you better
37:43
go speak evangelist right word, That's what I'm saying. So, I mean
37:54
that is why, honestly that I reach out to you for topics like this,
38:01
because I know that you carry a word with you that someone me needs
38:12
to hear me. You too me, Like, I mean, it's been
38:17
a struggle, Like you know, I found my biological family in twenty ten.
38:24
I thought I had time. You had the time that lied aloud and
38:30
that's when twenty fourteen and then yeah, but I went into a place of
38:37
feeling like dang, she gone again, but this time she's gone, Like
38:44
but I again, you know what my dad day. Yeah, that's one
38:51
of those things that you know, like with my mama these last six months
38:55
that we had with her. I thought about, well, God, what
39:00
was I supposed to do on that all these years? My mama was on
39:02
this earth for sixty three years. I had her in my life for forty
39:08
four of those years. Now was there more time that we could have spent
39:15
together? No? The reason why was because she had a path and I
39:20
had a path, and our time was the time that He designed for us
39:23
to have. And we have to learn how to be okay with what God
39:29
has designed because our life is already mapped out for us because He created us.
39:35
So when you start to understand what it is that God has for you,
39:39
you won't question the amount of time because the time that He's allowed us
39:46
is it. And whoever crosses your path in that time, you have to
39:52
take what you can from them and give what you can to them, and
39:55
what they do with that and what you do with that is up to you.
40:00
But it's already by His design. So you want extra time or need
40:05
an extra time? When that meal is done in that oven, it's done,
40:09
I mean, that's it. Either you're gonna let it burn or you
40:15
just gonna not have it, you know, So I let it burn,
40:22
You better take it out and make sure that so that you can consume what
40:25
you need from it. You get from that meal that you prepare in the
40:30
time that you need it. But it's not coming back again unless you prepared
40:36
again. But I question, I just where we hauleding church at Sunday.
40:45
I'm saying, can I I to speak from the place and the experience that
41:01
God has brought me through? And that's all I know how to do because
41:07
there are so many things that He has shown me and has taught me that
41:14
I don't know any other way to deliver it, you know, because this
41:19
is the way He has designed me. And I, as I said,
41:22
I'll keep running from half of this stuff because he keeps talking to me.
41:25
And I'm like, God, I don't think that's the message I need to
41:29
be doing because that ain't in my space. You know that ain't that ain't
41:32
my space. And he always say I need you just going and do what
41:36
I said do and I be over here. You know, Okay, God,
41:39
I'm gonna do what you said. But I think that's the right person
41:44
for but us. You know, he gives me what I need to get.
42:00
I don't know what because she got a word. I ask you,
42:15
what, God, you know because we hold on, we always want to
42:20
say, well, if I let it go, what happens when I let
42:22
it go? You heal when you let it go. Are you wanting to
42:28
heal? No, obviously you may not want to heal, because keeping that
42:32
wound open allows you to fester in it. But if you want it to
42:38
heal and close and become a scar, then let it be just that and
42:43
let go of what you're holding onto. Because everything in this life has an
42:46
expiration day, even us. So when you understand that everything has an expiration
42:53
day, you'll stop holding on to things that no longer serve you. Once
42:59
that milk is oh, you throw it out right because you can't use it
43:04
no more. So when you know that the expression day is coming up.
43:08
Even the little subscriptions you got, if you don't pay that bill, it
43:10
ain't you ain't gonna be watching to be no more. You ain't gonna be
43:14
watching you know, Hulu, You ain't gonna be watching none of that stuff
43:16
no more because if your subscription is over, the free trial is done,
43:21
you ain't got none else. So when you don't have nothing else and you
43:24
said, oh Lord, I need to get some more of that God said,
43:28
no, it's done. Move on, Let them people go. Stop
43:32
holding on. Stop holding yourself hostages in places where you know you don't deserve
43:37
to be. No Gord, let me release yourself from the bungance that you
43:44
keep staying in. Let it go. How do you know when you're hearing
43:51
from the Lord when you're sitting alone in silence, when you're sitting alone inside,
44:00
and all you hear is him talking, not yourself, not anything else.
44:06
He's very clear when he's talking to you. He is very clear when
44:09
he's talking to you, and when he's given you a direction of what to
44:14
do, and when there's a peace and calmness in your spirit, that's God
44:20
talking to you. There's nothing else, and he is not loud with it,
44:24
but it feels like he's being loud with it. And he ain't gonna
44:28
let you go until he actually knows that you've heard what he said. But
44:32
it's wonder alone and you're silent, and you're not moving, and you're not
44:37
doing anything else but sitting in stillness, because it says be still. Have
44:45
you been still? Have you completely been still and just been sitting there?
44:57
Yes? Yes, this is one of the things that I had to do
45:04
for myself. I thought about that, y'all, I really have. This
45:09
is one thing that I did when I was going through my separation and my
45:14
divorce, and this is something that I advise everybody to do, and that
45:20
is and when I tell you, this is what I did, and it
45:22
was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. And that was
45:25
a self inventory for myself to figure out what I wanted to do, where
45:32
my strengths were, what my weaknesses were, what I needed to still work
45:38
on, and what and I still need to grow in, what areas I
45:42
needed to grow in. But I did this in my bathroom naked because I
45:49
needed to see the complete version of me. And when I tell you,
45:53
it was the toughest thing I had ever ever had to do. And I
46:00
had an ugly cry because it was that moment that it let me know,
46:07
this is the real version of who I am. Because I had lost myself
46:12
raising kids, being a wife and a mother, I didn't know anything about
46:16
myself anymore. So I had to do that self inventory. Okay, these
46:21
are my good qualities, these are my bad qualities. What can I do
46:23
with these to actually either eliminate them all together or get better at who I
46:30
am in these strengths that I have, and whatever these weaknesses are, what
46:35
can I do so that they become on this side of my strengths and I
46:39
don't have as many weaknesses. And that's one of the other things that I
46:43
feel like has helped me in this battle with dealing with Kiari mail information,
46:47
dealing with healing from my stroke, because I don't hold on to that stuff
46:52
anymore, because having to hold on to that stuff means that I'm weighed down,
46:58
like I'm carrying a whole bunch of stuff. My mother's issues were not
47:02
mine to carry, so I had to give them back to her. My
47:06
father's fatherless issues were not mine to carry, so I had to give them
47:08
back to him. So all of the things that were not for me,
47:13
that were not intentionally for me, I gave them back to who they belonged
47:17
to. And I asked God to take their burdens from me and let me
47:21
only deal with what is for me, because I know that my burdens are
47:24
mine to bear and mind to bear alone. I can't put my burdens on
47:30
somebody else and say, hey, look here, this load right here.
47:32
I can't carry this today. But can you carry it? The only person
47:36
that can carry my burdens is God himself. So you walking around carrying everybody
47:40
else's issues, everybody else's burdens, and we wonder why you weighed down and
47:45
you're heavy. That's why let it go. It's not yours, Amen,
47:53
Oh Lord. Every day we get two things is a choice and a chance?
48:00
And what you're gonna do? Mhm? Which one are you gonna do?
48:05
You get a choice, and every day we get those two things.
48:10
You get a choice and a chance. And are you gonna take a chance
48:15
on loving yourself the way that you need to? Are you gonna keep holding
48:17
onto these issues that you have that prevent you from being the best version of
48:22
yourself? You have the choice and you have a chance to do that.
48:27
What are you gonna do? I think that's why I struggle the most is
48:31
learning to love myself because I never saw and still struggling to see what is
48:38
it there to love me? Every person? You're this, you're that,
48:43
And I'm thinking, and I'm thinking, I don't see hardly any of that
48:46
because I know my I know my other side. You know what I'm saying.
48:51
I know what God knows, and it's just like I don't know if
48:53
I'm not good, y'all. I don't know if I'm okay. But I
48:57
do struggle to love myself. And I think a lot of that has to
49:00
do with adoption, because I figure even though I had great parents loved me
49:05
to pieces, I still struggle with the ones that are in my DNA.
49:09
I still struggle with the fact that why they didn't love me enough. Honey,
49:14
I don't have my family tell me that I was my butt was to
49:17
be. I needed to learn how to push that in. I can't do
49:21
that, honey, that I can't hut it. Then I don't. I
49:24
don't know what that button is. I can't do it. I was really
49:29
a little got a little dip in the back and the butt be out.
49:39
Know this, this was out. So but I was either too skinny and
49:49
and that's that. Yeah, you're right, and so I would have them
49:53
I was too fat. I was too skinny, you know, my hair
49:58
was too long, it was all waist something. And so I learned to
50:04
embrace every single thing about me, my height, my my I have extra
50:08
fingers, you know, and people talk about that, and I'm like,
50:13
okay, all of these extra little things these are unique to me, so
50:16
you ain't got to like them. But as long as I like them,
50:20
and I start to learn to love each and everything about y'all, I realize
50:24
I'm getting old. My grade is starting to come in on this headline up
50:28
here, so I'm learning to embrace every bit of that. So it's like
50:32
you learn to embrace what you like. You ain't got to like, Like
50:37
if somebody's preparing a meal for you and it's for you, and somebody else
50:42
comes and stick they funk in your plate and then they be like, nah,
50:45
I don't like that, Well it's one yours. So that's what you
50:49
think about yourself. I ain't got to be your cup of tea. I
50:52
ain't even got to be your favorite meal. But don't come over here trying
50:55
to ruin what you didn't create. Hello. Hello. I think that's why
51:02
on my Instagram page, I have the King's Daughter because I feel like God
51:07
was trying to let me know who I was, who I belonged to,
51:12
regardless of what anybody's thinks. So I kind of walk in that and I
51:15
has had King's Daughter because that's who I am. I'm a child of God,
51:21
and I have tried to walk in that, but I also struggle with
51:22
seeing any beauty in certain things about myself. It's just like I can pick
51:28
everything out. Girl. When I tell you do that self inventory, You'll
51:35
realize a whole lot about yourself and start to embrace the uniqueness and the beauty
51:39
within self. Do the self inventory, You'll start looking at yourself in a
51:45
whole different light. Wow. Okay, who has been this has has been
51:58
what it needed to be. Somebody Patrisa got us with the chicken dinner,
52:10
somebody passed the greens because but truly this has been very eye opening. You
52:23
both know what I'm dealing with, and so I needed it. So if
52:30
inviting you to my showers for you to preach your sermon, yes what they
52:38
say. If I can't say one word, I'll just wave my thank you
52:46
both for being here with me tonight. Thank you. I'm I'm so jacked
52:52
up right now. I can't even tell you when I'm coming back, but
52:54
I know it's I think it's on the twenty seventh of this month for Spin
53:00
a bit of the awareness month where You're yellow were your till we love you,
53:06
Trevita, take us out of here all right? As always listen,
53:09
stay out of God's business, because God only needs you to be obedient to
53:14
what He's called you to do. As always, this has been delayed and
53:17
not denied, and we'll catch you next time. Yeah, every second Monday
53:25
and for a Friday of each monthing that you don't want to miss.