Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #949 Blow Ups & Body Image

Transcript

#949 Blow Ups & Body Image · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers now. So a
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  Speaker 1: quick announcement on the Happy Family's podcast before we dive
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  Speaker 1: into today's I'll do better tomorrow, next week, next week, missus,
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  Speaker 1: Happy Families, twenty six years, twenty six years of wedded bliss.
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  Speaker 1: We were married in nineteen ninety eight, six children, twenty
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  Speaker 1: six years. Can't wait for next weekend where we're not
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  Speaker 1: going to be talking about what we can do better tomorrow,
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  Speaker 1: it's just our wedding anniversary weekend. Can't wait to get
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  Speaker 1: away for it.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I'm having a look in the mirror and I
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  Speaker 2: seem to have a lot more gray hairs than you.
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  Speaker 2: So what does that say about our blissful marriage?
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  Speaker 1: I believe it says that I've got great genes. I
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  Speaker 1: have got great They reckon. I don't know how true
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  Speaker 1: this is, but they reckon that your mother's father, whether
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  Speaker 1: he is bald or not, determines whether or not men
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  Speaker 1: will be bald. So my mum's dad ninety five, ninety
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  Speaker 1: six years of age, still got a full head of
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  Speaker 1: hair and only started going gray in his seventies. I'm
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  Speaker 1: putting it down to good gens. Definitely putting it down
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  Speaker 1: to good gents.
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  Speaker 2: I'll let you keep it so today.
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  Speaker 1: On the podcast. I'll do about it tomorrow. This is
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  Speaker 1: where we dive into the week that was. We focus
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  Speaker 1: on what we've gotten right, what we've gotten wrong, with
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  Speaker 1: the intent that we are going to be better parents
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  Speaker 1: ourselves on reflecting, but also because we want to help
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  Speaker 1: you to be better parents in your home. I'm going
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  Speaker 1: to go first. I'm going to go first because it
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  Speaker 1: hasn't been great. There's no other way to say. It
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  Speaker 1: just has not been great for me at the moment.
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  Speaker 1: We've made no secret of it. This is always a
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  Speaker 1: really busy time of the year for us every March.
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  Speaker 1: I tend to be traveling a lot. There's a lot
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  Speaker 1: of speaking, there's a lot going on. For the past week.
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  Speaker 1: I've been in Perth. I've been at Melmae Catholic College.
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  Speaker 1: I've been at Peter Moy's Anglican, Frederick Irwin Anglican, and
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  Speaker 1: I said Anglican. I'm really struggling to get across all
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  Speaker 1: of this. It's the Red Eye doing it to me
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  Speaker 1: and West Leederville Primary School as well. Just loads and
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  Speaker 1: loads of workover in Perth, speaking with hundreds and hundreds
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  Speaker 1: of families about how to make their families happier. And
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  Speaker 1: that means that I just haven't been home much. Next week,
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  Speaker 1: I've got a whole lot of stuff happening in Sydney
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  Speaker 1: before we have our weekend away. These are the challenges
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  Speaker 1: that parents have to make all the time when it
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  Speaker 1: comes to providing for a family and doing the work
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  Speaker 1: that needs to be done and still trying to be
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  Speaker 1: present for their kids. But on the weekend before I
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  Speaker 1: was going away, I had a whole lot of stuff
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  Speaker 1: going on, trying to get all the work done, trying
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  Speaker 1: to get everything prepped. And I don't know how to
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  Speaker 1: say it other than to say that I kind of
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  Speaker 1: cracked a little bit. I came into the house after
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  Speaker 1: being gone all day, working my bum off, doing all
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  Speaker 1: the right stuff, trying to be good for everybody and
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  Speaker 1: do all the right things, and I came into the
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  Speaker 1: house and well, the kids were not doing what they
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  Speaker 1: were supposed to be doing. Everything was a mess. They
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  Speaker 1: just hadn't done the basic stuff, and I kind of,
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  Speaker 1: I don't want to say that I lost it. I
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  Speaker 1: don't know if that's accurate. Kylie but I definitely wasn't patient.
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  Speaker 1: I was frustrated. Rest that frustration, and I let the
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  Speaker 1: kids know that I wasn't really happy.
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  Speaker 2: I call it a meltdown.
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  Speaker 1: You got to think so much. So you know what's
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  Speaker 1: really funny about this. I mean, I'm being really really
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  Speaker 1: candid here. What's really frustrating for me around this is
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  Speaker 1: that I could feel it happening. And I teach people
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  Speaker 1: day in and day out what to do high motions,
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  Speaker 1: low intelligence. Right. I teach people how to take a breath,
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  Speaker 1: step outside, touch the grass, breathe, connect, move your body,
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  Speaker 1: splash the cold water, really basic things as well as
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  Speaker 1: creating psychological distance. Imagining in ten years time, when I
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  Speaker 1: look back on this, what do I want everybody's memories
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  Speaker 1: to be? Imagining that I've got an audience watching me.
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  Speaker 1: I mean, I've I've got ten or twelve different things
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  Speaker 1: in the toolkit that I can lean on to try
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  Speaker 1: to make this work better. It's a big pile of
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  Speaker 1: tools that I can select. And you know the tool
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  Speaker 1: that I selected on what was it Sunday night, the
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  Speaker 1: screaming banshee, Yeah, the hammer. I just I decided the
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  Speaker 1: tool that I need to know as the hammer, and
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  Speaker 1: I kind of went bang bang, bang, bang bang and
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  Speaker 1: got everyone in trouble and it was just horrible.
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to put it out there. I know that
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  Speaker 2: you talk about all of these amazing mindfulness practices that
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  Speaker 2: you can do when you're in that space.
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  Speaker 1: Well, they're not on mind from this practices. I'm not
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  Speaker 1: big on mind from us. But they're all strategies that
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  Speaker 1: are useful to help you to be better in the moment.
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  Speaker 2: But when I'm feeling really frustrated, I want a hammer.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, well that's kind of why I went for the hammer.
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  Speaker 2: And there's this need to release a whole heap of
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  Speaker 2: pent up energy and me going and touching the grass
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  Speaker 2: doesn't do that.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, the problem with using the hammer is that you
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  Speaker 1: never do it and go, oh, nailed it. Just God,
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  Speaker 1: that's so right tonight, and my family's happier as a result.
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  Speaker 2: But can you come up with another hammer like thing
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  Speaker 2: that you can do?
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  Speaker 1: No? And this is the thing, And in fact, research
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  Speaker 1: shows that this sense that we're going to experience cathartest
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  Speaker 1: by having a meltdown and losing the plot, it's not real.
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  Speaker 1: It doesn't happen. Now, It's true that there can be
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  Speaker 1: a release, but we can get that release in a
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  Speaker 1: million other healthier ways that don't do damage to trust
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  Speaker 1: and to relationships. And I kind of I just blew it.
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  Speaker 1: And the worst thing, the thing that was most frustrating
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  Speaker 1: for me out of all of it, was that I'd
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  Speaker 1: barely seen you that day. And when I did come
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  Speaker 1: back in the door and say, all right, let's get
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  Speaker 1: things going, I'm starting to lose the plot here, but
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  Speaker 1: can we just pull things together? You had to go out.
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  Speaker 1: You were home for like ten minutes, and then you
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  Speaker 1: had to go for an hour and a half. So
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  Speaker 1: I meant that I wasn't even going to get that
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  Speaker 1: time that I needed with you. That's kind of what really,
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  Speaker 1: I guess blew it for me really set me off,
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  Speaker 1: and Kylie, it was just awful, Like I watched the
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  Speaker 1: faces of our children as they saw with dismay that
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  Speaker 1: after I'd been gone for so long and was getting
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  Speaker 1: ready to go again, that this was what our night
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  Speaker 1: was going to be. You weren't home, so I ate
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  Speaker 1: dinner in silence with two of the kids while the
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  Speaker 1: other two kids were out with you, And it was
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  Speaker 1: just all horrible. It was all too much. The thing
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  Speaker 1: about blowing up. If there is a good thing, If
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  Speaker 1: there's a shiny silver liningto this, is that once you
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  Speaker 1: blow up, everyone gets onto their best behavior, including you,
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  Speaker 1: because you know, everyone knows that it was just horrible.
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  Speaker 1: And the two kids that were at home really helped
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  Speaker 1: to tidy things up. We got things in order, and
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  Speaker 1: while we were still waiting for you to come home,
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  Speaker 1: I sat down and played chess with Emily and spent
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  Speaker 1: some time talking to Lily, and we just we had
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  Speaker 1: time together. So it was kind of like that recovery.
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  Speaker 1: But I got to tell you, sometimes, being a parent,
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  Speaker 1: when you're at the end of your rope, it's really,
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  Speaker 1: really tough, and sometimes the best you can do is
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  Speaker 1: just sort of tire knot in the end of that
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  Speaker 1: rope and hold on and keep on swinging and hope
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  Speaker 1: that you can find the energy to climb back up.
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  Speaker 1: The good news. The good news is that I was
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  Speaker 1: able to climb back up later that night, and it
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  Speaker 1: did feel better. It felt really good to make things right.
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  Speaker 1: But my older better tomorrow is just a reminder there's
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  Speaker 1: so many strategies, and diving in with the hammer is
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  Speaker 1: never the best one, even though in the moment it
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  Speaker 1: feels like it might be because you feel like you
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  Speaker 1: need it, because high emotions equals low intelligence. So there
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  Speaker 1: you go. There there's my bad dad confession. Even with
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  Speaker 1: twenty plus years of doing this under my bell, six kids,
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  Speaker 1: nine books, TV show, podcasts, every now and again, I
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  Speaker 1: still melt down. How about you? What's your odd about
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  Speaker 1: it tomorrow?
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  Speaker 2: I love having conversations with our kids because I never
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  Speaker 2: know where it's going to lead me. And the other day,
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  Speaker 2: one of our daughters was home helping me with some
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  Speaker 2: of the cleaning, and she walked into the room and
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  Speaker 2: she just looked at me with these kind of glassy eyes,
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  Speaker 2: and she said, Mum, I'm so glad that while I
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  Speaker 2: was growing up, you never talked bad about your body.
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  Speaker 2: And as I looked at her, I was trying to
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  Speaker 2: remember her experience is growing up and what I did
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  Speaker 2: and didn't say. I feel like I've been really really intentional.
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  Speaker 2: It is not how I've necessarily felt about my body
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  Speaker 2: over the years. I've definitely had moments where I've really
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  Speaker 2: really struggled with how I look and the way my
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  Speaker 2: body's changed. But I've been really intentional about not tearing
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  Speaker 2: my body to pieces in front of my kids, and
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  Speaker 2: that one comment, it was just this one little statement
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  Speaker 2: just was such a beautiful reminder of how important it is.
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  Speaker 2: And as she continued the conversation, she just acknowledged that
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  Speaker 2: over the last few weeks she's been hanging out with
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  Speaker 2: some friends and even some family members and has just
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  Speaker 2: been really really aware of how badly they talk about
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  Speaker 2: themselves physically, and how it left her feeling not good enough.
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  Speaker 2: And it clearly has made her reflect on how I
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  Speaker 2: have spoken about her specifically and her body, but how
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  Speaker 2: I also have spoken about mine. And it was just
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  Speaker 2: this beautiful reminder to me of how important it is
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  Speaker 2: that we are intentional about how we appreciate our bodies,
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  Speaker 2: because at the end of the day, while ever I
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  Speaker 2: focus on what I look like, I'm going to be miserable,
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  Speaker 2: absolutely miserable, because I will never be like the pictures
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  Speaker 2: in the magazines. I will never be that person.
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  Speaker 1: But if you listen to people who are in those pictures,
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  Speaker 1: the people who are in those magazines, they're actually quite
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  Speaker 1: explicit about saying they're the most insecure people on the
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  Speaker 1: planet because they're so obsessed with how they look. I
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  Speaker 1: was talking to one about other kids about this and
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  Speaker 1: she said, I just don't feel like I'm ever going
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  Speaker 1: to be enough. And my comment was, no, you never
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  Speaker 1: will be, because you never can be. Like what is enough?
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  Speaker 1: At what point do you look at your stomach and say,
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  Speaker 1: my stomach is now enough? At what point do you
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  Speaker 1: look at your shoulders or your arms, or your legs,
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  Speaker 1: or your thighs, or your or your hips or your
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  Speaker 1: face and say enough, it's perfect, It's just right. And
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  Speaker 1: until you can actually do that and mean it, it
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  Speaker 1: will never be enough. And it actually comes down to
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  Speaker 1: this willingness to accept yourself as you are, the great
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  Speaker 1: irony of courses. Once you accept yourself as you are,
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  Speaker 1: you start to feel better about yourself and you're more
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  Speaker 1: likely to make the changes that are relevant and necessary
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  Speaker 1: if need be. And even if you don't, that's okay
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  Speaker 1: because you're enough idea that you're going to continue to
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  Speaker 1: pursue and pursue and pursue until you become enough. I
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  Speaker 1: don't have a problem with trying to improve. I think
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  Speaker 1: that's great, but the belief that you're ever going to
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  Speaker 1: get there, especially when it comes to something like physical appearance.
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  Speaker 1: In twenty twenty four, with what we have going on
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  Speaker 1: around us just doesn't exist.
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  Speaker 2: While I've been really intentional about not focusing on looks,
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  Speaker 2: the one thing I have been very intentional and very
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  Speaker 2: outspoken about is all of the amazing things their body
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  Speaker 2: can do and focusing on the person that they are.
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  Speaker 2: And that's why I'll do better tomorrow. If you're sitting
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  Speaker 2: there and feeling like I do some days and you're
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  Speaker 2: not really sure you want to look in the mirror
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  Speaker 2: again because you're not happy with what you're seeing. Your
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  Speaker 2: kids are watching and they're listening, and everything that you
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  Speaker 2: say about your body reflects how they feel about their body,
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  Speaker 2: and there's power in helping them to recognize who they
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  Speaker 2: are not because of what they look like, but because
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  Speaker 2: of who they are actually are deep inside, and all
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  Speaker 2: the good that their body can help them do.
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  Speaker 1: Absolutely love that there's research that shows that the more
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  Speaker 1: we say horrible things about our own bodies or about
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  Speaker 1: our kids' bodies when they're young, the more likely this
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  Speaker 1: that they're going to grow up and struggle with eating
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  Speaker 1: and struggle with body image and all that sort of stuff.
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  Speaker 1: It's such an important conversation, and I love that we've
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  Speaker 1: got a daughter who picked up on the fact that
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  Speaker 1: that's what you're doing in your interactions with her. So
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  Speaker 1: we hope that today the take on messages are useful.
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  Speaker 1: Say nice things about your body, and don't below you cool.
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  Speaker 1: Just try so hard to hold it together.
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  Speaker 2: Just tuck that sledgehammer away next summer, right they have.
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  Speaker 1: Your Family's podcast is produced by Justin Roland for Bridge Media.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: Craig Bruce is our executive producer. If you'd like more
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: information about making your family happier, please check out our
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: brand new, brand new, brand new program. It's called The Quest,
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: where we literally take you from go to woe in
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: terms of making your family happier. All the details are
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: a Happy families dot com dot A. You have a
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  Speaker 1: great weekend.
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  Speaker 2: H