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Is therapy talk an excuse for being a sh!t friend? · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:13
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
0:17
Speaker 1: So this podcast episode is something that I think it's
0:20
Speaker 1: very fitting that I talk about. And the first I'll
0:23
Speaker 1: tell you what the actual topic is. I'm sure you've
0:25
Speaker 1: read the title of the episode, but it is is
0:29
Speaker 1: therapy talk becoming toxic.
0:32
Speaker 2: That's roughly I'm guessing what the title.
0:33
Speaker 1: Will be of this episode, and it's basically when people
0:36
Speaker 1: start using therapy talk things like i'm setting boundaries or
0:40
Speaker 1: its self cares whatever, as an excuse for their poor
0:43
Speaker 1: behavior or as an excuse for being a shit friend. Okay,
0:46
Speaker 1: So I want to talk about that because I'm the
0:49
Speaker 1: biggest advocate for how to set proper boundaries, how to
0:52
Speaker 1: identify a narcissist, what's ghosting, what's gas lighting, what's stonewalling?
0:56
Speaker 1: All these things. I talk about this stuff all the time.
0:59
Speaker 1: But I think there becomes a time.
1:02
Speaker 2: It becomes a time.
1:03
Speaker 1: There comes a time where people, in order to protect themselves,
1:08
Speaker 1: will repurpose therapy talk in a way that serves them
1:12
Speaker 1: so they don't have to be accountable for their own behaviors,
1:15
Speaker 1: for their action or their lack of action, and it
1:18
Speaker 1: ends up really getting in between you and your friends.
1:21
Speaker 1: Another thing where this quote unquote therapy talk in particular
1:25
Speaker 1: the boundaries and overstimulated comes into play is when people
1:30
Speaker 1: don't want to show up for their friends. And there
1:33
Speaker 1: are definitely times where you actually are genuinely burnt out,
1:36
Speaker 1: where you really are overstimulated, where you really do not
1:39
Speaker 1: have the capacity to go to a social event.
1:42
Speaker 2: We all have been there, and there are those times.
1:44
Speaker 1: However, I feel like it starts getting a little bit overused,
1:48
Speaker 1: where it's kind of that fine line between I have
1:52
Speaker 1: to care for myself and I can't put everyone before
1:54
Speaker 1: me because then I start to crumble. But if I'm
1:57
Speaker 1: only ever focusing on self care, my boundary is quite
2:00
Speaker 1: unquote boundaries and not setting healthy ones, but setting ones
2:02
Speaker 1: that only serve you and don't serve your relationships. And
2:05
Speaker 1: you start kind of leaning into all this kind of stuff,
2:07
Speaker 1: you end up actually isolating yourself, pushing people away, And
2:10
Speaker 1: it's actually the furthest thing from self care that it
2:13
Speaker 1: actually is. I'm going to go a little bit in
2:15
Speaker 1: depth into self care as like a concept and why
2:19
Speaker 1: our relationships and fostering those relationships are probably one of
2:22
Speaker 1: the best things you can do for real self care
2:25
Speaker 1: and for why the whole idea and why self care
2:27
Speaker 1: has been so popularized is because you know, we're more
2:31
Speaker 1: burnt out than ever, you know, anxiety, depression, all of that.
2:33
Speaker 1: So we're finding things to lean into to make ourselves
2:36
Speaker 1: feel better. And so then people start coming up with
2:40
Speaker 1: all these concepts that are going to make us feel better,
2:41
Speaker 1: when in reality, relationships and being connected is probably at
2:45
Speaker 1: the very very very top of the list for reducing depression, anxiety,
2:49
Speaker 1: burnout of a stimulation, all those things, real connections, mind you,
2:53
Speaker 1: So let's talk about it. And I want you to
2:56
Speaker 1: think about this for two things. I want you to,
2:59
Speaker 1: yes course think, okay, this is actually my friend. My
3:02
Speaker 1: friend does this all the time. Maybe I can actually,
3:05
Speaker 1: you know, hit them up and say listen, I love
3:07
Speaker 1: you so much, but you do this all the time.
3:09
Speaker 2: I want us to get closer. Can you please listen
3:11
Speaker 2: to this episode because I love you, but.
3:13
Speaker 1: This is you? Or and this is more importantly, what
3:17
Speaker 1: I'm really trying to angle this for, is this you. Okay,
3:21
Speaker 1: I am here whenever possible to try and get you
3:25
Speaker 1: to become the best version of yourself. And a lot
3:26
Speaker 1: of the time it's in hearing things we don't want
3:28
Speaker 1: to hear. But I think a lot of you guys
3:30
Speaker 1: are happy to hear things you don't want to hear
3:32
Speaker 1: from me because it's coming from hopefully a less biased angle.
3:36
Speaker 1: So I really want you to do the digging deep
3:40
Speaker 1: on yourself and think, as much as I don't want
3:43
Speaker 1: to admit, this is this me, and if it is you, great,
3:46
Speaker 1: because then A you can acknowledge it, B you can
3:48
Speaker 1: do something about it, and see you can become a
3:51
Speaker 1: really fucking good, valuable friend, partner, colleague, all the above
3:57
Speaker 1: while still actually protecting real boundaries, and while still knowing
4:03
Speaker 1: the actual line between looking after yourself and then becoming
4:06
Speaker 1: bottom of the barrel and not caring for yourself. So
4:08
Speaker 1: that's what I really wanted to talk about because I
4:10
Speaker 1: think it is important. And who better to talk about
4:14
Speaker 1: when therapy talk becomes like makes your shit friend than
4:18
Speaker 1: someone who actually talks about therapy talk all the fucking time. Okay,
4:22
Speaker 1: now I want to talk about a couple of key things.
4:25
Speaker 1: But the first one is this idea of weaponizing a boundary. Okay,
4:31
Speaker 1: weaponizing a boundary is where you make it look like
4:36
Speaker 1: you're setting a boundary, but it's really where you make
4:39
Speaker 1: something all about you, and you are trying to basically
4:43
Speaker 1: get people to pander to you. Do things the way
4:46
Speaker 1: you need them to be done. Only socialize in places
4:50
Speaker 1: that you would want to socialize, Only go to things
4:52
Speaker 1: that you would want to go to. It's all about you,
4:55
Speaker 1: and you put it under this guise. If it's a boundary,
4:58
Speaker 1: I am respecting my boundary.
5:00
Speaker 2: I don't go there.
5:00
Speaker 1: I don't do that kind of stuff. I don't hang
5:02
Speaker 1: out there, I don't xyz fill in the gaps. Okay.
5:06
Speaker 1: It also, when you turn it into a quote unquote boundary,
5:10
Speaker 1: it's a really easy way of sidestepping your responsibility over
5:14
Speaker 1: your actions and your responsibility as a friend as well.
5:20
Speaker 1: I don't like going to you know, things too late.
5:23
Speaker 1: I don't like going where there's too many people somewhere.
5:25
Speaker 1: Oh I don't like this. Oh that person's going to
5:27
Speaker 1: be there. I don't think I can make it because
5:28
Speaker 1: that person that I'm not a big fan of is
5:30
Speaker 1: going to be there. All these things, okay, But then
5:32
Speaker 1: you start using it's a boundaries because it's a boundary.
5:35
Speaker 1: It's because it's a boundary. When you weaponize the concept
5:37
Speaker 1: of for boundary way too much, you use it as
5:41
Speaker 1: kind of like it's the first thing in your artillery
5:45
Speaker 1: of things that you can use. Then two things are
5:47
Speaker 1: going to happen. Number one, it's like the Boy who
5:49
Speaker 1: Cried Wolf. When you actually want to put a boundary
5:51
Speaker 1: into place, all the people that are used to you
5:53
Speaker 1: throwing around this fucking boundary, this boundary, they're like, here
5:55
Speaker 1: we fucking go again, rolling their eyes. They don't think, wow,
5:59
Speaker 1: we really respect that she's put that boundary in place
6:01
Speaker 1: and she's following through, Like I get that that's important
6:03
Speaker 1: to her. We respect that. And then number two is
6:07
Speaker 1: that no one really ends up respecting it, but they
6:11
Speaker 1: start feeling like you're making excuses for not wanting to
6:13
Speaker 1: hang out with them. So in no way do people
6:16
Speaker 1: actually see it as like, oh, yeah, that's a healthy boundary.
6:18
Speaker 1: We'll just respect that. If you just keep throwing it
6:20
Speaker 1: all over the place again and again and again, people
6:23
Speaker 1: are just going to read like, I don't think she
6:25
Speaker 1: or he wants to hang out with me right now,
6:28
Speaker 1: Like that's what they're getting. Okay, So make sure you're
6:32
Speaker 1: not weaponizing this boundary thing. And you think, oh, well,
6:34
Speaker 1: now no one can come for me because I said
6:36
Speaker 1: it was a boundary, So it's fine. That's the first thing, okay.
6:39
Speaker 1: The second thing that people do is that they refuse
6:43
Speaker 1: to have difficult conversations by using the phrase I'm protecting
6:48
Speaker 1: my peace, okay. And that again comes down to this
6:55
Speaker 1: refusal to accept real accountability for your actions. So, say
6:59
Speaker 1: you've done something, Say you and your friend have both
7:01
Speaker 1: done something wrong. Someone said something, the other one reacted poorly.
7:05
Speaker 1: Then there was a bit of a back and forth
7:06
Speaker 1: and it got a bit dramatic, and there's probably ownership
7:08
Speaker 1: that can be taken on both sides of the coin.
7:11
Speaker 1: But when you're really hurt when someone's done something to you,
7:14
Speaker 1: it's very easy to be like, but they did this,
7:16
Speaker 1: they did that, they did that, And for you to
7:17
Speaker 1: be like, I don't even need to look at my
7:20
Speaker 1: ownership in this because I can identify four things that
7:24
Speaker 1: they did wrong, even though you've done maybe three things wrong.
7:26
Speaker 1: You're like, well, they did this and they did that,
7:28
Speaker 1: so why look at my behavior when I can for
7:31
Speaker 1: sure identify all these negative things that they've done. So
7:34
Speaker 1: then when it comes to actually discussing it, you're like,
7:36
Speaker 1: I'm not having this conversation.
7:37
Speaker 2: I need to protect my pace. They were in the wrong,
7:39
Speaker 2: they said.
7:40
Speaker 1: Something insulting, they hurt me. I'm going to protect my pace.
7:43
Speaker 1: I don't need to talk about it. I don't need
7:45
Speaker 1: to have this conversation. I'd rather just relax at home,
7:47
Speaker 1: or I'd rather whatever feel in the blank. Okay, that
7:50
Speaker 1: gets again really really dangerous, really dangerous territory in a friendship,
7:55
Speaker 1: because when you avoid difficult conversations with people that love you,
8:00
Speaker 1: you end up.
8:01
Speaker 2: Pushing them out of that inner circle.
8:02
Speaker 1: That's when you start to push a close friend, a
8:04
Speaker 1: close relative, a partner, whatever, into the periphery of your life.
8:08
Speaker 1: Difficult conversations are what make strong relationships. You cannot have
8:14
Speaker 1: a really strong relationship with someone if you've never had
8:17
Speaker 1: a difficult conversation. You might think, but until you come
8:21
Speaker 1: across some sort of adversity in your relationship and you
8:26
Speaker 1: don't know how that other person deals with adversity towards you,
8:29
Speaker 1: how they deal with taking responsibility, you can't call yourself
8:32
Speaker 1: really really really close with that person. I'm sorry, but
8:34
Speaker 1: you can't. And I'm not saying it has to be
8:36
Speaker 1: an argument or an issue. It's where you have to
8:39
Speaker 1: maybe say something that doesn't feel comfortable saying. But it's
8:41
Speaker 1: for the greater good of the relationship where you have
8:43
Speaker 1: to maybe see them go through something and then you
8:45
Speaker 1: pull them up on how maybe they could have dealt
8:47
Speaker 1: with it better. Where they're pulling you up on something,
8:49
Speaker 1: whatever it is, these conversations are what brings you closer
8:52
Speaker 1: in a relationship. And if you are refusing to have
8:54
Speaker 1: these conversations because you refuse to acknowledge something you've done wrong,
8:59
Speaker 1: only because they've done more wrong, and then you're saying,
9:02
Speaker 1: I'm protecting my peace, I'm protecting my peace. They've pissed
9:04
Speaker 1: me off, they've done this, they've done that, Then all
9:06
Speaker 1: it does. The only thing it achieves is that you
9:09
Speaker 1: end up.
9:09
Speaker 2: Pushing people further and further away.
9:11
Speaker 1: Now, another reason before I go into the next point,
9:13
Speaker 1: another reason why I think it's really important to talk
9:16
Speaker 1: about this stuff is because we're in an era where
9:20
Speaker 1: people really talk about this village.
9:22
Speaker 2: Okay, you have to have a village.
9:24
Speaker 1: It takes a village. It takes a village to raise
9:26
Speaker 1: a child, it takes a village to this. And it's true,
9:29
Speaker 1: I couldn't agree more with that sentiment. But there's many,
9:33
Speaker 1: many people that expect the village.
9:35
Speaker 2: But don't want to be the villager for other people.
9:37
Speaker 1: Okay, they want the village, but they're not willing to
9:40
Speaker 1: do all these things. And a prime example of this,
9:42
Speaker 1: and I see both sides of the coin on social
9:45
Speaker 1: media is childless people or child free people that winge
9:51
Speaker 1: about their friends who have kids and only ever talk
9:53
Speaker 1: about kids, which I think that's wrong as well. You
9:55
Speaker 1: shouldn't bombard your child free friends only ever talking about kids.
9:59
Speaker 1: So yes, but like, but that's a complaint there. And
10:01
Speaker 1: then you've got people who have kids who expect all
10:06
Speaker 1: this stuff from their friends who don't have kids. And
10:10
Speaker 1: then there's this kind of like kind of like resentment
10:13
Speaker 1: that they hold towards their friends, being like and they
10:15
Speaker 1: didn't know this or they didn't realize this, or so
10:17
Speaker 1: it's kind of like they're already starting to pit each
10:19
Speaker 1: other against each other. People instantly think, well, now I
10:23
Speaker 1: have to gravitate to people that just have kids. Now
10:24
Speaker 1: I've just got to hang around with people that have
10:26
Speaker 1: kids when you don't have kids. Oh, now my friends
10:27
Speaker 1: have had kids. Now I've got to find new friends.
10:29
Speaker 1: If you're single or your friends get into a relationship,
10:31
Speaker 1: now I've got to find new single friends. Now this
10:33
Speaker 1: now that, where the fuck is the village and all
10:35
Speaker 1: of that, Why can't we all just coexist and be
10:38
Speaker 1: a good fucking friend and show up for them. If
10:40
Speaker 1: I've got kids, which I do, I'm not going to
10:43
Speaker 1: bombard my friends talking about my children twenty four seven. However,
10:46
Speaker 1: I am going to talk about them because my friends,
10:49
Speaker 1: lucky for me, actually like my kids and are interested.
10:52
Speaker 1: Just like I, before I had kids, genuinely wanted to
10:56
Speaker 1: hear about my best friend's children because I love my
10:58
Speaker 1: best friend and I love kids, and I want to
11:00
Speaker 1: hear about them. Do I want to talk about their kids?
11:03
Speaker 1: Twenty four seven? No, nobody does. But I'm interested and
11:07
Speaker 1: I want to know. And that's what makes a good friend,
11:09
Speaker 1: and that's what keeps you part of the village. You
11:10
Speaker 1: don't have to have a perfectly aligned life for someone
11:13
Speaker 1: to be in your village. So when you look at
11:17
Speaker 1: your relationships, there always is a give and take, a
11:20
Speaker 1: push pull. It's never fifty to fifty. It's always seventy thirty,
11:23
Speaker 1: then eighty twenty and then sixty five forty five. It's
11:27
Speaker 1: you're always going to have someone's giving a bit more,
11:30
Speaker 1: someone's taking more than it shifts, shifts, shifts, shifts, shifts,
11:32
Speaker 1: And that's what makes the village, where you embrace the
11:36
Speaker 1: different seasons that your friends are going through, where you
11:39
Speaker 1: embrace that it's maybe not all about you for the
11:41
Speaker 1: next couple of months, and then it's going to shift,
11:43
Speaker 1: and then it maybe will be about you because it's
11:45
Speaker 1: all well and good to be like, Oh, I don't
11:47
Speaker 1: want to hear about those kids again. But how many
11:48
Speaker 1: fucking times has your best friend sat through you talking
11:50
Speaker 1: about the same fucking breakup for months and months and
11:53
Speaker 1: months on end, the same countan who dumped you and
11:54
Speaker 1: then dumped you again and dumped you again. We all
11:57
Speaker 1: hear each other's shit again and again, and that's makes
12:00
Speaker 1: a good friend. Whether it's hearing about their kids, hearing
12:02
Speaker 1: about their breakups, hearing about the fact that they hate
12:04
Speaker 1: their job, hearing around that's what makes a friend. You're
12:06
Speaker 1: lending an e Okay, So I think when we talk
12:09
Speaker 1: about the village, you got to think, am I really
12:12
Speaker 1: supporting my friend and being a villager to them, Whether
12:15
Speaker 1: I've got kids, whether I don't have kids, whether I'm
12:17
Speaker 1: going through a breakup, whether I'm going through a divorce,
12:18
Speaker 1: whether I'm going through a really good time in my
12:20
Speaker 1: life and getting rid.
12:21
Speaker 2: Am I being that villager?
12:23
Speaker 1: Am I celebrating the winds as hard as I should be?
12:26
Speaker 1: Am I the shoulder they need to cry on whenever
12:28
Speaker 1: they need to? What does that look like? How am
12:31
Speaker 1: I showing up? And how are my friends showing up
12:33
Speaker 1: for me in this season? And does it reflect what
12:36
Speaker 1: I want? Am I reflecting them? Are they reflecting me?
12:40
Speaker 1: You've got to kind of look at it and think
12:42
Speaker 1: it can't just be about me. And if it's no
12:45
Speaker 1: longer something that I grew with, oh fucking I'll just
12:47
Speaker 1: cut them off until I'm at that stage in my
12:49
Speaker 1: life or until this or until that, until that. And
12:51
Speaker 1: of course it does go both ways. I acknowledge that
12:53
Speaker 1: what I'm saying here in order for it to work,
12:56
Speaker 1: goes both ways. But you can't wait for someone to
12:58
Speaker 1: do it Like this gets to the point where it's like,
13:01
Speaker 1: do I wait for them to be the better person
13:03
Speaker 1: and then I can become a better person? Or do
13:05
Speaker 1: I set the standard and see if they meet me
13:08
Speaker 1: where the relationship needs to be met. Because if you start,
13:11
Speaker 1: if you think, you know what, I'm not going to
13:12
Speaker 1: wait for someone to do something for me, I'm just
13:14
Speaker 1: going to consistently be that person, and then if that
13:17
Speaker 1: person is using and abusing you, then you can be like, Okay, genuinely,
13:22
Speaker 1: I actually need to protect my space. Genuinely, I need
13:25
Speaker 1: to set boundaries because I get fuck all from this
13:28
Speaker 1: person and they're taking me for a ride after you know,
13:31
Speaker 1: and that's fine, but mind you on conversation prior to
13:35
Speaker 1: that is something I would recommend to. Like I said,
13:38
Speaker 1: difficult conversations that won't make really strong foundations in a friendship,
13:41
Speaker 1: in a romantic relationship, in family relationships and everything.
13:45
Speaker 2: Now, next point, using.
13:48
Speaker 1: Real labels for anything you want just to kind of
13:51
Speaker 1: justify it.
13:52
Speaker 2: So things such as narcissist.
13:53
Speaker 1: Labeling someone as a narcissist is wild. Everyone called someone
13:58
Speaker 1: a narcissist. Now. When it comes to narcissists, I do
14:03
Speaker 1: believe that there are way more narcissists than what are
14:06
Speaker 1: diagnosed as because it's very hard to diagnose a narcissist.
14:09
Speaker 1: Most of them are not going to go to a
14:11
Speaker 1: psych and be like, I think I'm a narcissist, can
14:14
Speaker 1: you diagnose me?
14:14
Speaker 2: That's unlikely.
14:15
Speaker 1: So I do believe that there's way more narcissists than
14:19
Speaker 1: what the stats may show. However, no way near as
14:23
Speaker 1: much as what people point out other people to be
14:27
Speaker 1: a narcissist. Just because someone was unhealthy in a relationship,
14:30
Speaker 1: it doesn't make them one. Just because someone was quote
14:33
Speaker 1: unquote toxic or A big one is when someone's really
14:37
Speaker 1: up themselves, that is not a narcissist. If someone is
14:40
Speaker 1: really conceded and really up themselves, that is not a narcissist. Okay,
14:44
Speaker 1: so that's a big one. Gas Lighting, love bombing, stone walling,
14:48
Speaker 1: toxic ghosting, OCD, all these things that people use. They
14:51
Speaker 1: throw these terms around, they sprinkle them around as a
14:54
Speaker 1: description for every cant that they know, when.
14:57
Speaker 2: In reality it's probably none of the above.
15:00
Speaker 1: If someone just behaves poorly, you don't have to have
15:04
Speaker 1: a blanket diagnosis for this person. Okay, maybe they didn't
15:09
Speaker 1: treat you that well in a relationship, maybe they made
15:11
Speaker 1: a comment that was quite rude and selfish. That doesn't
15:14
Speaker 1: necessarily make them a gaslighter or a narcissist or whatever. Okay,
15:19
Speaker 1: So I think if you are using these labels unless
15:23
Speaker 1: you're kind of in a joking way whatever, and I'm
15:26
Speaker 1: not talking about when you're joking and throwing them around.
15:28
Speaker 1: But really pay attention to when you start using these labels,
15:30
Speaker 1: because you then start to cut someone out way too quickly,
15:37
Speaker 1: out of your life, and it justifies why you cut
15:40
Speaker 1: them out. Let's say your friend did something or said
15:42
Speaker 1: something that was you know, you didn't like how they
15:44
Speaker 1: said it or what they said or whatever. And if
15:46
Speaker 1: you throw a label, one of these big labels at
15:49
Speaker 1: them or to yourself, to other people, you say, oh,
15:52
Speaker 1: my gosh, she's a fuck a narcissist because she had
15:54
Speaker 1: a lot of then you start to believe it, and
15:55
Speaker 1: then you start to think, well, because she's a narcissist,
15:58
Speaker 1: I can't talk to her, I can't this, I can't that.
16:00
Speaker 1: You've gone and diagnose them, and then you've decided what
16:02
Speaker 1: the treatment's gonna be or how you're gonna treat them
16:03
Speaker 1: and how. So then you start you.
16:05
Speaker 2: Get on your fucking high horse.
16:06
Speaker 1: You've diagnosed every you can't, left, right and center around you,
16:09
Speaker 1: and then you decide, based on this false diagnosis, how
16:12
Speaker 1: you're gonna behave around them, and how this and how that.
16:13
Speaker 1: I think it's important that if you are genuinely going
16:16
Speaker 1: to say this person is gaslighting me, know what a
16:18
Speaker 1: fucking gas lighter is and then you'll be more empowered
16:20
Speaker 1: to actually know. Okay, that actually is gaslighting and there
16:23
Speaker 1: actually is not much I can do about it other
16:25
Speaker 1: than remove myself from the situation.
16:27
Speaker 2: If it's real ghosting.
16:29
Speaker 1: So, for example, people say that someone ghosted them all
16:34
Speaker 1: the fucking time, and then when I pride and ask
16:36
Speaker 1: questions and they say, yeah, well, you know, they messaged
16:39
Speaker 1: me saying, oh you know, I'm not I can't come tonight.
16:42
Speaker 1: I don't think I want to like take this any further.
16:45
Speaker 1: And then they never message again. They fucking ghosted me.
16:47
Speaker 1: That's literally the opposite of ghosting. They communicated they won't
16:49
Speaker 1: fucking into you, and then they ended it. You might
16:52
Speaker 1: not like it, but that's not ghosting. Ghosting is literally
16:55
Speaker 1: disappearing into fucking thin air, Okay, And I call my
16:57
Speaker 1: friends out on it.
16:58
Speaker 2: I'm like, love you so much.
16:59
Speaker 1: You weren't ghost you were rejected, sucks, but you aren't ghosted. Okay,
17:03
Speaker 1: So all this kind of shit. Really pay attention to
17:08
Speaker 1: the labels that you use, because you might turn yourself
17:11
Speaker 1: off someone or you might actually again this again the
17:15
Speaker 1: therapy talk. The ultimate issue with therapy to talk is
17:17
Speaker 1: removing accountability and pushing the blame somewhere else. That's what
17:22
Speaker 1: ends up happening. You start saying, oh, well, the reason
17:24
Speaker 1: I couldn't do this is because they're a narcissis store
17:26
Speaker 1: they're this, and then of course it easily shifts the
17:28
Speaker 1: blame off you, because how could you be to blame
17:30
Speaker 1: if you're.
17:31
Speaker 2: Dealing with a nacissist to that kind of thing.
17:32
Speaker 1: Okay, Now, another thing that is important that we touch
17:37
Speaker 1: on is this crazy emphasis on people everyone needing to
17:43
Speaker 1: accept you for who you are, and if they don't,
17:47
Speaker 1: then that makes them a bad friend. Okay. If you
17:49
Speaker 1: can't have me at your work at my worst, you
17:51
Speaker 1: don't deserve me at my best. I hate that line
17:54
Speaker 1: so fucking much because there is a tiny bit of
17:57
Speaker 1: truth to that. If you can't have me at my work,
18:00
Speaker 1: if you can't handle me at my worst, then you
18:02
Speaker 1: don't deserve me at my best. That kind of plays
18:05
Speaker 1: into if you are going through if you're grieving, if
18:10
Speaker 1: you are going through loss, if you're going through something
18:12
Speaker 1: in your life that you just are like in the
18:17
Speaker 1: pits and you gotta climb out, and you're not going
18:19
Speaker 1: to be your normal fund self you're not going to
18:20
Speaker 1: be this. Yeah, that applies then, so I acknowledge that.
18:23
Speaker 1: But people use that same line when they're shit on
18:27
Speaker 1: the piece and abuse all their friends when they have
18:30
Speaker 1: a really selfish era and they're like, oh, well you know,
18:33
Speaker 1: I just had to focus on this, and like they
18:35
Speaker 1: use that line just to be like, well that's me.
18:39
Speaker 1: Well i'm fucking I'm a psycho. Well i'm always late.
18:44
Speaker 1: Well I always forget everyone's fucking names and birthdays and everything.
18:48
Speaker 1: Well I fill in the blanks. So they'll just do
18:51
Speaker 1: this really selfish, toxic behavior and then be like, well
18:54
Speaker 1: that's me. Sorry ha ha. If you can't have me
18:56
Speaker 1: at what it was, and you can't have me at
18:57
Speaker 1: my best, right, fuck off. Firstly, one, shut the fuck up,
19:01
Speaker 1: take some accountability. And number two, if you are a
19:05
Speaker 1: shit friend, then stop flattering yourself thinking that you at
19:09
Speaker 1: your best is good enough to compensate for you being
19:13
Speaker 1: a shit friend. Sorry, but we're adults. We're all fucking adults.
19:17
Speaker 2: You're an adult, I'm an adult.
19:18
Speaker 1: If we've done.
19:19
Speaker 2: Something wrong, well, we're all human. We're gonna do something wrong.
19:22
Speaker 1: But be you okay with someone pulling you up on it,
19:25
Speaker 1: and you saying, you know what, You're right. I have
19:29
Speaker 1: been late way too many times. I've taken your time
19:33
Speaker 1: for granted and or only ever thought.
19:35
Speaker 2: About my time.
19:36
Speaker 1: Or you're right, I always forget when important things happen
19:39
Speaker 1: in your life, but you always ask me and follow
19:41
Speaker 1: up questions about important things in my life. You know,
19:44
Speaker 1: it's important to have these conversations. Like I said, it's
19:47
Speaker 1: not that you have to be absolutely perfect. It's when
19:50
Speaker 1: someone pulls you up. How are you reacting to it?
19:52
Speaker 1: Are you using that kind of talk of like, you
19:55
Speaker 1: just have to accept me for who I am. This
19:56
Speaker 1: is who I am, this is who I am. That's
19:58
Speaker 1: not good enough. It's it's not good enough if you
20:00
Speaker 1: want to be a good friend. It's good enough if
20:03
Speaker 1: you want to be some peripheral thing. But if you
20:06
Speaker 1: care about your relationships, if you care about this village
20:10
Speaker 1: and you expect a village, you have to be that
20:13
Speaker 1: person as well. You have to be able to, Yeah,
20:16
Speaker 1: make mistakes, we all do, but then be pulled up
20:20
Speaker 1: on it and try to do better and say you
20:24
Speaker 1: want to do better, and then also acknowledge when your
20:26
Speaker 1: friend does the opposite, which is really good, Like you
20:28
Speaker 1: know what you're always.
20:30
Speaker 2: On time and I'm not and I need to change
20:31
Speaker 2: that and I appreciate that.
20:33
Speaker 1: Or as the other example, you know what, like you've
20:36
Speaker 1: never forgotten my birthday, you sent me flowers when I
20:39
Speaker 1: got a promotion, Like you are so on top of
20:40
Speaker 1: everything all the time, and I'm not like that, and
20:44
Speaker 1: I want to be. So I'm really going to try
20:47
Speaker 1: shit like that. Okay, not I'm just a disaster. I'm
20:51
Speaker 1: just like chaotic perth. No, no, we're over that shit
20:55
Speaker 1: and it's not good enough. And yeah, I just to
20:58
Speaker 1: me that pisces me off and do that in romantic
21:01
Speaker 1: relationships a lot, they'll be really chaotic, really unhealthy, and
21:05
Speaker 1: then they're like, well, they knew what they were getting into,
21:07
Speaker 1: so they don't want to do that growth. They don't
21:08
Speaker 1: want to do that work. They're not willing to do that.
21:11
Speaker 1: Number six well, I literally I'm just saying six, but
21:14
Speaker 1: I have dot points written here, so like, forget, I
21:17
Speaker 1: just said number six because this is number six for me,
21:20
Speaker 1: but I'm not doing dot points for everyone else.
21:22
Speaker 2: This is what we're going to talk about, the self care.
21:24
Speaker 1: If we're putting way too much focus on the reason
21:27
Speaker 1: why you withhold and hold back and you're setting boundaries
21:30
Speaker 1: and you're looking after yourself. So you're not going to
21:32
Speaker 1: go to that thing, or you're not gonna show up
21:33
Speaker 1: for your friend, or you're not gonna have that conversation
21:35
Speaker 1: of you you're not and you put this whole emphasis
21:38
Speaker 1: on it's for self care, it's for self care. The
21:41
Speaker 1: final result of.
21:42
Speaker 2: That is isolation. That's what you end up doing.
21:45
Speaker 1: If everything you do is under this umbrella term of
21:49
Speaker 1: self care. I don't need to be confronted. I don't
21:53
Speaker 1: need to put up with that shit. I need to
21:55
Speaker 1: protect my space. I need to set that boundary. All
21:59
Speaker 1: you've done is I don't want to have that hard conversation.
22:01
Speaker 1: I don't want to potentially put myself in a social
22:04
Speaker 1: situation where yeah, I might have that annoying person there,
22:06
Speaker 1: but then there's also these other people that I could
22:08
Speaker 1: really show up for where it admid the world to
22:10
Speaker 1: them if I came to their birthday or to whatever
22:13
Speaker 1: all these things. So when we do that, we isolate ourselves.
22:17
Speaker 1: The point of self care lead ourselves. Like I said earlier,
22:21
Speaker 1: the point of self care is to overcome these things
22:25
Speaker 1: that are really weighing people down, that make you feel
22:28
Speaker 1: just not yourself, whether it be burn out, anxiety, depression,
22:31
Speaker 1: all these things. And you know, I also do believe
22:34
Speaker 1: that a big portion of self care is identifying the
22:37
Speaker 1: healthy relationships in our life and the unhealthy relationships in
22:40
Speaker 1: our lives.
22:40
Speaker 2: And I've got obviously a million and.
22:42
Speaker 1: One episodes based around what truly does constitute an unhealthy
22:45
Speaker 1: relationship in every possible way.
22:47
Speaker 2: Shape or form.
22:48
Speaker 1: But that's where real self care came from. And then
22:50
Speaker 1: we look at things it's like, oh, I'm just going
22:51
Speaker 1: to do this nice thing for myself, and which is
22:53
Speaker 1: also self care, like having that bath, having that time alone,
22:56
Speaker 1: one hundred percent that is self care. But you also
22:57
Speaker 1: have to look at self care as a holistic thing.
23:01
Speaker 1: To really care for myself, I've got to look at
23:03
Speaker 1: what are the most important things in my life that
23:05
Speaker 1: are going to overall make me feel fulfilled, and then
23:08
Speaker 1: I need to make sure that I'm doing all the
23:10
Speaker 1: right things to make.
23:11
Speaker 2: Sure that's really healthy.
23:12
Speaker 1: So physical care, I'm not saying number one, but rattling
23:16
Speaker 1: off one. Physical care. You know, am I looking after
23:19
Speaker 1: my physical health? My body, what I'm eating, am I
23:22
Speaker 1: moving my body?
23:24
Speaker 2: Et cetera?
23:24
Speaker 1: Relationships huge one. What am I doing for my relationships.
23:28
Speaker 1: Because when it comes to self care, it's easy to.
23:30
Speaker 2: Make it about oh, I'll just do it alone.
23:32
Speaker 1: But real self care comes from looking at all these
23:35
Speaker 1: things and identifying where the work can be done and
23:37
Speaker 1: where I can be feeding into that. So a really
23:40
Speaker 1: good thing of self care is going out for coffee
23:42
Speaker 1: with your best friends and having like a bit of
23:44
Speaker 1: debrief and you're not sitting at home festering and stressing it.
23:47
Speaker 1: You actually get out, you do something that's nice for
23:49
Speaker 1: your mental health. You get to socialize, you get to
23:51
Speaker 1: be there for your friends. Another one for self care
23:53
Speaker 1: is actually helping someone else. That actually is great self
23:57
Speaker 1: care because you start feeling useful, you start feeling like
24:01
Speaker 1: you're contributing, and when you help someone you feel so good. Well,
24:06
Speaker 1: unless you're a sociopath, you feel good, right, So that's
24:11
Speaker 1: what we're talking about. He you want to look at
24:13
Speaker 1: self care as a holistic thing. So when you use
24:17
Speaker 1: self care as a reason for not wanting to go somewhere,
24:21
Speaker 1: I want you to ask yourself, I don't want to
24:23
Speaker 1: go to this dinner, for example.
24:25
Speaker 2: How badly do I not want to go? And what
24:27
Speaker 2: are the real reasons?
24:28
Speaker 1: Is it just that I'm tired and I'm over it
24:30
Speaker 1: and I'm overstimulated and whatever, and I just can't. But then,
24:34
Speaker 1: what would it mean to my friend if I didn't go?
24:36
Speaker 1: What if seven of the friends had the same feeling
24:39
Speaker 1: that I had, and seven people didn't go to this dinner?
24:42
Speaker 1: And what if my friend put in so much effort
24:44
Speaker 1: to organize this dinner, maybe like did these cute little
24:47
Speaker 1: things for it? The invitation, got really excited, was looking
24:51
Speaker 1: forward to it all day. It's their birthday, and they
24:54
Speaker 1: get there and half the people have canceled, or more
24:56
Speaker 1: than half just because they're like, oh, I'm self care.
25:01
Speaker 2: How do you think they would feel?
25:02
Speaker 1: How would you feel? How would you feel if most
25:04
Speaker 1: of your friends canceled because eh, eh, eh, I'd rather not.
25:07
Speaker 1: I'd rather not, so I won't how much if i'd
25:10
Speaker 1: rather not factors into your friendships? It's not good enough
25:14
Speaker 1: because if there's a and can I just say, if
25:16
Speaker 1: you're a friend that always shows up, there's always grace,
25:21
Speaker 1: Like I've got my friends always fucking show up for me.
25:26
Speaker 1: So when they actually say, Babe, I'm fucked tonight, I'm
25:29
Speaker 1: so sorry I have to cancel, I'm like, yeah, babe,
25:32
Speaker 1: go ahead and cancel like I feel you do you
25:35
Speaker 1: know what I mean? It's about it's about having a
25:37
Speaker 1: track record. You are allowed to have that, But is
25:40
Speaker 1: it every time? Are you a fucking flake? Because if
25:43
Speaker 1: you are the only thing you're gonna achieve is that
25:46
Speaker 1: friendship getting weaker and weaker and weaker. You're gonna be
25:48
Speaker 1: invited to things less. You're gonna be relied on less.
25:51
Speaker 1: Do you know what? It's actually really nice for someone
25:53
Speaker 1: to rely on you. That responsibility is a fucking privilege.
25:57
Speaker 1: If someone has you close enough in their life that
26:00
Speaker 1: they're expecting something from you and leaning on you.
26:03
Speaker 2: Do you know how nice that is?
26:04
Speaker 1: Do you know how many people would kill to have
26:05
Speaker 1: a close enough friendship like that? And you've got it,
26:08
Speaker 1: And you're like, nah, nah, can't be bothered to fucking
26:10
Speaker 1: be there on your birthday because oh, it's just a
26:11
Speaker 1: fucking birthday. I don't care about birthdays, so no one
26:13
Speaker 1: else would care about birthdays. But what if your friend
26:15
Speaker 1: really did care about birthdays and it's the one time
26:17
Speaker 1: for the year where people get together for them And
26:20
Speaker 1: you're like, ah, nah, can't be fucked That's what I'm
26:24
Speaker 1: talking about.
26:25
Speaker 2: And then you use all these excuses.
26:26
Speaker 1: Oh I'm setting boundaries. Oh that person annoys me. Oh
26:28
Speaker 1: it's too late. Oh I can't these are I can't that.
26:31
Speaker 1: How good is this excuse? And how often are you
26:33
Speaker 1: doing it? And if it's a really good excuse that
26:36
Speaker 1: if your friends did that to you in return, and
26:38
Speaker 1: you'll be like no, no, no, that's fine, that's fine, then
26:39
Speaker 1: keep doing it by all means.
26:41
Speaker 2: But are you being.
26:43
Speaker 1: A good friend or not? And I can't answer that question.
26:47
Speaker 1: I'm not attacking everyone who's bailed on their friends birthday
26:49
Speaker 1: because they're tired. I'm saying, is this something you do
26:51
Speaker 1: all the time, But well, you genuinely absolutely fucked at
26:54
Speaker 1: the end of the day and you really needed to
26:55
Speaker 1: sleep because you had a big thing the next morning.
26:57
Speaker 1: Then yeah, fine, but you know what I'm talking about,
27:02
Speaker 1: So I don't need to go into every caveat there
27:07
Speaker 1: sense sense. Another thing I did want to touch on
27:16
Speaker 1: is when you're one of the most important things that
27:19
Speaker 1: you need to do to get close to someone and
27:21
Speaker 1: there is actual data to back this. I'm just wondering
27:24
Speaker 1: if I could find the actual article, the journal article
27:27
Speaker 1: about this, but it speaks about what gets people really
27:31
Speaker 1: close in a relationship. And I think a lot of
27:33
Speaker 1: people think that when you're with someone during the really
27:35
Speaker 1: hard times, that's what really gets you close, and it does,
27:39
Speaker 1: but it's actually not the defining factor of what makes.
27:43
Speaker 2: A friendship really close.
27:45
Speaker 1: The thing that initially brings people together and maintains that
27:49
Speaker 1: longevity are sharing in the good times together, humor, laughter
27:55
Speaker 1: and escape from the troubles that they're going through, adventure
27:59
Speaker 1: that you go on, things to look forward to, creating
28:02
Speaker 1: new memories. All of that is what really sets a
28:05
Speaker 1: strong foundation for very very strong friendships. So you might think, oh, well,
28:09
Speaker 1: I'm there if she actually needs me, I'm always going
28:11
Speaker 1: to be there, But what are you doing to actually
28:15
Speaker 1: do the little bits and pieces throughout the friendship that
28:17
Speaker 1: make them feel like loved and excited and fun and
28:21
Speaker 1: things to look forward to? And I'm oh my god,
28:23
Speaker 1: I get to say, you don't just want to be
28:24
Speaker 1: that person that's only ever the shoulder.
28:26
Speaker 2: To cry on, because then you're never forging new memories.
28:28
Speaker 1: And then unfortunately, you don't become that shoulder to cry
28:30
Speaker 1: on unless they've got absolutely nobody else. So if you
28:35
Speaker 1: want really close friendships, and I actually have a whole
28:37
Speaker 1: episode on like things that you can do to make
28:40
Speaker 1: friends in your twenties and thirties.
28:42
Speaker 2: I can't remember which episode that.
28:43
Speaker 1: Is, but I'll try and Shanai, can you remind which
28:45
Speaker 1: actually I put that in the show notes? Yeah, but
28:47
Speaker 1: I talk about this idea of you start creating new memories.
28:51
Speaker 2: A lot of friendships go.
28:52
Speaker 1: Stale because when you catch up, you just catch up
28:54
Speaker 1: on what's going on in your life, but you're not
28:55
Speaker 1: forging a brand new memory, Like go and do something fun,
28:58
Speaker 1: go to a fucking escape room, go and do something random.
29:00
Speaker 1: Who cares, But something that you're going to get memories from,
29:02
Speaker 1: something where something funny or embarrassing is bound to happen,
29:06
Speaker 1: and then you can just add that to that box
29:07
Speaker 1: of memories that you have in that relationship. Very very
29:10
Speaker 1: very important. I think a lot of people, a lot
29:15
Speaker 1: of people's problems in life come from a real lack
29:19
Speaker 1: of real honest connection with people where you're able to
29:24
Speaker 1: number one, think outside of yourself in order to benefit
29:28
Speaker 1: your friend's life. Not always because we do need to
29:30
Speaker 1: put ourselves first for a lot of things, but we're
29:33
Speaker 1: able to be like, I'm going to do this for
29:35
Speaker 1: them today, kind of don't really want to. I kind
29:38
Speaker 1: of have other things I could be doing, but fuck,
29:40
Speaker 1: this would make my friend's life so much easier, or god,
29:42
Speaker 1: it would put a smile on their face or they
29:44
Speaker 1: I would really be showing up for them if I
29:45
Speaker 1: did this today. That is what is the difference between
29:50
Speaker 1: an acquaintance and a friend, a real friend.
29:54
Speaker 2: Okay, so when can you be doing these things?
29:58
Speaker 1: Another thing is having these the conversations, like I said earlier,
30:01
Speaker 1: that's how you have this honest connection. And a good
30:07
Speaker 1: way of doing this is paying attention to when someone's
30:10
Speaker 1: annoyed at you and saying a sense that you're annoyed
30:14
Speaker 1: and I'm genuinely here to hear what you have to say.
30:16
Speaker 1: I promise you I'm open to hearing what you have
30:18
Speaker 1: to say, because very often people will bicker, they'll get annoyed,
30:22
Speaker 1: then they'll shut each other off, and then they'll sweep
30:24
Speaker 1: it under the rug, and then they'll just see each
30:25
Speaker 1: other next time until it just kind of goes away.
30:27
Speaker 1: But how often are you having those conversations of like,
30:30
Speaker 1: you're pissed off at me or I'm annoyed at you.
30:33
Speaker 2: Can we talk about this?
30:34
Speaker 1: Okay, don't be so caught up in not being inconvenienced
30:39
Speaker 1: in your life that you end up having a really
30:41
Speaker 1: inconvenient life because you don't have any close relationships, you
30:44
Speaker 1: don't have anything to look forward to, you don't have
30:46
Speaker 1: people that lean on you, you don't have people that
30:48
Speaker 1: will call you as the first person when they want
30:50
Speaker 1: to share good news.
30:51
Speaker 2: That's fucking inconvenient.
30:53
Speaker 1: We're so worried about. Oh, that's there an inconvenience, This
30:56
Speaker 1: is an inconvenience. This is grow up. Adulthood is just
31:00
Speaker 1: a whole gamut of inconveniences. Okay, But when you mix
31:03
Speaker 1: that in with so many good things and so many
31:05
Speaker 1: good relationships and so many good memories, it kind of
31:08
Speaker 1: evens it out. It kind of dilutes how inconvenient these
31:12
Speaker 1: little things are in your life, and it ends up
31:14
Speaker 1: being worth it, and the beauty of it is then
31:16
Speaker 1: when you actually do need that time off, when you
31:18
Speaker 1: actually do need to cancel, when you do, then you've
31:21
Speaker 1: earned it, because it's unlike you you don't want someone
31:24
Speaker 1: to say, oh, that's like, huh, when you cancel, that's awful?
31:28
Speaker 1: What kind of a friend is that? But if you
31:29
Speaker 1: cancel that like, oh god, that's unlike her, she must
31:31
Speaker 1: actually be Really that's what you want, Okay, So be
31:34
Speaker 1: real about the times that you're being a shit friend
31:37
Speaker 1: and using this therapy talk to like excuse why you
31:39
Speaker 1: don't want to be there for them, But then god
31:40
Speaker 1: forbid you put an event on our birthday and you're
31:43
Speaker 1: shocked and horrified when people don't ruck up for you. Okay,
31:46
Speaker 1: it has to go both ways. Now. Another thing is
31:49
Speaker 1: that you going round around and around around around in circles,
31:52
Speaker 1: isolating yourself, not owning up to these things, not wanting
31:56
Speaker 1: to face this thing, not wanting to be inconvenience, Your
31:59
Speaker 1: only making your problems bigger and bigger and bigger. They're
32:03
Speaker 1: never gonna go away. They're never gonna go away because
32:05
Speaker 1: they're not being addressed. So you start to feel shit.
32:08
Speaker 1: And then because you're feeling shit because you're feeling isolated,
32:11
Speaker 1: people stop inviting you places. Then you start feeling like, well,
32:16
Speaker 1: how do I make new friends? Do I whatever? How
32:18
Speaker 1: do I this? How do I that? Instead of thinking, okay,
32:22
Speaker 1: what went wrong in the first place? Now again, I
32:25
Speaker 1: am gonna say there are some people out there, some
32:27
Speaker 1: of my listeners, who genuinely had a fucked run with
32:29
Speaker 1: some friends genuinely, we're in a bad friendship group who
32:32
Speaker 1: were just cunts who would be bitchy and bullying. I'm
32:34
Speaker 1: not saying that. I'm not saying men to those things,
32:36
Speaker 1: and you know what I mean obviously. And the reason
32:38
Speaker 1: I'm saying this because I always have some rogue individual
32:41
Speaker 1: who goes into my coms being like what about their
32:44
Speaker 1: and it's so obvious that's not what I'm talking about.
32:45
Speaker 1: So I just obviously have to say that I'm talking
32:48
Speaker 1: about having this ownership of Like I've got a good.
32:51
Speaker 2: Friend of mine, love her so much, no need to
32:53
Speaker 2: name her.
32:55
Speaker 1: She will have these you know, hot and heavy friendships
32:58
Speaker 1: and then they vanished hot in heavy friendships, and then
32:59
Speaker 1: they've and then they're vanished. She's the biggest flake I've
33:02
Speaker 1: ever met. Now, the reason we've got a good friendship,
33:04
Speaker 1: and I'll fucking get on my high horse, is because
33:07
Speaker 1: I have put up with all these flaky, flakey flake
33:09
Speaker 1: in moments.
33:09
Speaker 2: Only now is she getting better?
33:12
Speaker 1: And I've said it to her face, You're a fake,
33:13
Speaker 1: You're a fucking flake, and you need to be better.
33:15
Speaker 1: And she's got just like a handful of long, long,
33:18
Speaker 1: long term friends who have put up with it, and
33:20
Speaker 1: now she's way better with them, but she's lost many
33:23
Speaker 1: friendships along the way because she just couldn't be fucked.
33:25
Speaker 1: She can be fucked, and that's not good enough. So
33:30
Speaker 1: she could turn around and try and resurrect those friendships,
33:34
Speaker 1: or she could say, with the new relationships in my life,
33:37
Speaker 1: I'm going to be better because I've learned from my mistakes.
33:39
Speaker 2: That's what I'm referring to.
33:41
Speaker 1: Okay, you isolating yourself will not fix the problem, It
33:46
Speaker 1: only exacerbates them. Because our relationships, our close relationships, are
33:52
Speaker 1: the mirror that we need to learn from our behaviors,
33:55
Speaker 1: to learn where we can improve, to learn what we
33:58
Speaker 1: will and won't.
33:59
Speaker 2: Put up with.
34:00
Speaker 1: Those relationships are the mirror that we need in our life. Okay,
34:04
Speaker 1: So don't be pushing them away every time there's like
34:06
Speaker 1: a little bit of conflict or adversity there. Right, Another
34:10
Speaker 1: thing that I really want you guys to think about
34:12
Speaker 1: is don't set such strict rules for your friends and
34:16
Speaker 1: for your family. So obviously, based on my algorithm, I
34:19
Speaker 1: get fed a lot of shit about like kids and
34:22
Speaker 1: babies and this and that, And when I was about
34:24
Speaker 1: to give birth, my algorithm was all like you know
34:27
Speaker 1: when the baby's coming, the baby's about to come the better.
34:29
Speaker 1: And so I was obviously being sent all these fucking
34:33
Speaker 1: tiktoks and you know, reels on it. And there was
34:35
Speaker 1: this one woman who was like, this is my set
34:37
Speaker 1: of rules for when the baby comes them for what?
34:39
Speaker 1: And she had this list of like fucking fifteen things
34:42
Speaker 1: that people would have to do when they come and
34:44
Speaker 1: visit her. If it's your first visit, You're not allowed
34:46
Speaker 1: to hold the baby. You must bring a gift to
34:49
Speaker 1: my oldest child. You must greet the oldest child before
34:51
Speaker 1: you greet the baby, and like the list was a joke,
34:55
Speaker 1: And I'm like, these are the cunts that then winge
34:58
Speaker 1: when no one's there to support them because they're so
35:01
Speaker 1: painful and difficult. Like how painful are you? That's the question,
35:07
Speaker 1: That's all I want to say.
35:07
Speaker 2: Are you fucking painful?
35:09
Speaker 1: Because if you are, stop it unless you want to
35:11
Speaker 1: be alone, in which case, by all means flourish in
35:14
Speaker 1: your painfulness to your friends. But if you actually want
35:17
Speaker 1: close friendships, just think am I being am I being
35:19
Speaker 1: a pest? Am I being a pest am I having
35:22
Speaker 1: so many barriers to entry because like I'm acting like
35:25
Speaker 1: as if this event in my life is the biggest
35:27
Speaker 1: event in their life as well, and they have to
35:29
Speaker 1: remember all these million things. No, sorry, there's like, if
35:32
Speaker 1: you're watching the video, there's hobbib wagging his tail. Have
35:34
Speaker 1: youb sick? I've got one more point before I go
35:37
Speaker 1: into kind of things that you can do to improve
35:39
Speaker 1: as a friend, just as an overview, So a really
35:44
Speaker 1: good way to look at it. If you're like, Okay, well,
35:46
Speaker 1: how do I know when I need to be there
35:47
Speaker 1: for my friend versus protect myself?
35:49
Speaker 2: And this and that a really good thing is primary.
35:52
Speaker 1: Needs versus secondary needs. Okay. And my sister actually brought
35:55
Speaker 1: this up to me once and it was something that
35:57
Speaker 1: I've always remembered and you can apply to almost every
36:01
Speaker 1: relationship in your life. Okay, your primary needs are always
36:05
Speaker 1: going to be your primary needs, and they should be met. Okay.
36:09
Speaker 1: The only time someone else's primary needs come before your
36:11
Speaker 1: primary needs is if it's like your children obviously, okay,
36:13
Speaker 1: or someone who's like an actual dependent on you.
36:15
Speaker 2: That makes sense because it's like it's a life or
36:18
Speaker 2: death kind.
36:18
Speaker 1: Of thing, right, But in general, your primary needs are
36:21
Speaker 1: your primary needs, then we've got secondary needs people that
36:25
Speaker 1: are in my inner circle, if they have a primary
36:28
Speaker 1: need where I can meet that, I'm not gonna put
36:31
Speaker 1: my secondary need above their primary need in general.
36:35
Speaker 2: Okay, so that's kind of a good way to frame it.
36:38
Speaker 1: So if you're if you're at home thinking I'm actually dying,
36:41
Speaker 1: I've got the flu, I actually need to be in bed.
36:43
Speaker 1: That's a primary need. You actually need to rest, you
36:45
Speaker 1: actually need to recover. This person has this event, it's
36:48
Speaker 1: really important to them, but I can't make it. Then fine,
36:50
Speaker 1: because it's a primary need, you can. You can sleep
36:52
Speaker 1: well at night knowing that you were like, well that
36:54
Speaker 1: was important to me.
36:55
Speaker 2: I literally couldn't be there. I had to heal.
36:58
Speaker 1: Good verse, it's like someone's something really important for them,
37:03
Speaker 1: whatever it is you fucking feel in the blank, and
37:05
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, that was just something else that I
37:08
Speaker 1: wanted to do instead, and I kind of already had it.
37:10
Speaker 2: Oh I kind of don't really wonder.
37:12
Speaker 1: And then you just put that secondary or even third
37:16
Speaker 1: fourth fifteen need before someone else's primary need.
37:19
Speaker 2: So I want you to look at it that way.
37:21
Speaker 1: If it's really important to them and not that important
37:26
Speaker 1: to me to do the other thing, maybe think about
37:28
Speaker 1: going out on a limb and doing that thing that
37:30
Speaker 1: might not be the most comfortable thing for your friend,
37:32
Speaker 1: to be there for them as a friend. That's you know,
37:35
Speaker 1: a lot of people say to me, oh my god,
37:36
Speaker 1: the friendship group that you've got because it's myself and
37:38
Speaker 1: the ten Red Bull girls, But we just all go
37:41
Speaker 1: out of our way all the time for each other,
37:44
Speaker 1: like all the time, and that's why it's been such
37:48
Speaker 1: a strong friendship for such a long time. So yeah,
37:52
Speaker 1: basically that's what I would highly recommend, and then you
37:56
Speaker 1: can have these amazing friendships. It's honestly, like, my biggest
37:59
Speaker 1: flex off, my biggest flexes in life is that group
38:02
Speaker 1: of girls that I've got. Fucking I could just rave
38:05
Speaker 1: on about them forever. Now.
38:07
Speaker 2: Signs that you can improve as a friend.
38:08
Speaker 1: Stop being so like luster, Stop being so likeluster, have
38:11
Speaker 1: some oomph behind you, have some like be excited, be
38:14
Speaker 1: excited for your friends, get behind them in these things,
38:17
Speaker 1: and then before you know it, you're not gonna want
38:18
Speaker 1: to cancel. It would just be a part of you.
38:20
Speaker 1: And if you're not a social person, it doesn't have
38:22
Speaker 1: to be big events. I'm using events and birthdays as
38:24
Speaker 1: an example, but it could be other things as well.
38:27
Speaker 1: It could be just going and visiting them. It could
38:29
Speaker 1: be being for them for something one on one. It
38:32
Speaker 1: could be that phone call that you answer when you
38:36
Speaker 1: weren't in the mood to answer the phone call. It
38:38
Speaker 1: could be replying to the text message in a relatively
38:40
Speaker 1: timely manner. I also don't think that we owe replying
38:43
Speaker 1: to a text message immediately. We also have things to do,
38:47
Speaker 1: and I don't think we need to be glued to
38:48
Speaker 1: our phones, but in a timely manner. Okay, things like that. Okay,
38:52
Speaker 1: so stop being so lackluster. Another thing is stop saying
38:56
Speaker 1: to people if you need anything, I'm here for you. Well,
39:00
Speaker 1: how would you know what they need? And how are
39:02
Speaker 1: you actually there for them? If you're not trying to
39:05
Speaker 1: preempt their needs someone's going through a hard time. Don't say, oh,
39:08
Speaker 1: I'm here for you, well in what capacity? Cant in
39:11
Speaker 1: what capacity? Just actually be there for them, Rock up,
39:17
Speaker 1: do their laundry, write like, do something for them to
39:21
Speaker 1: actually show that you were there for them. Order them
39:23
Speaker 1: food and get it sent to their house. Buy them
39:26
Speaker 1: flowers and get it sent to their house. When they're
39:27
Speaker 1: going through a hard time, buy them flowers and send
39:29
Speaker 1: it to their house. When they're going through something really exciting.
39:32
Speaker 1: Just be there for them. And even if you don't
39:34
Speaker 1: know the perfect answer, just any gesture is going to
39:37
Speaker 1: make them be like, wow, they were thinking of me.
39:39
Speaker 1: Even if they hate flowers, they'll be like, wow, they
39:42
Speaker 1: were thinking of me. And even if you don't have
39:44
Speaker 1: money to spend on flowers, go and buy them a
39:46
Speaker 1: couple of pieces of fruit and drop it at their door.
39:48
Speaker 1: I don't care what it is. The point is do
39:50
Speaker 1: something for someone. Don't be like you if you need.
39:55
Speaker 1: No one's gonna in their hour. If need be like, hey,
39:58
Speaker 1: you know you said you'd be here for me, do
39:59
Speaker 1: you mind com and like cleaning my kitchen because I'm
40:02
Speaker 1: going through They're not going to do that. They're not
40:04
Speaker 1: going to do that. Okay, So a good friend is
40:07
Speaker 1: actually be there for them when they need. Okay, don't.
40:12
Speaker 1: The next one is, don't always put the responsibility on
40:15
Speaker 1: your friends to like call, celebrate you to listen to
40:17
Speaker 1: your shit, but then you don't do the same. Obviously,
40:19
Speaker 1: be reciprocal. It has to go both ways, and it
40:23
Speaker 1: starts with you. Maybe you lead by example, and then
40:27
Speaker 1: initially it feels like it's just you, and then they'll
40:29
Speaker 1: start to.
40:30
Speaker 2: You know, reflect that back to you or not.
40:33
Speaker 1: And then you're like, okay, well then I can then
40:35
Speaker 1: I can either have the nice conversation or the hard
40:36
Speaker 1: conversation not a nice conversation, and then they have an
40:39
Speaker 1: opportunity to step up as a friend. And then after
40:41
Speaker 1: that conversation, if they don't, then that's great. I know
40:44
Speaker 1: what I need to know, and I can determine how
40:45
Speaker 1: close this person's going to be in my life without
40:47
Speaker 1: hating on them either. Okay. Another one that's really big
40:52
Speaker 1: is people that cut off friends because they don't want
40:56
Speaker 1: to have that really hard conversation or here feedback about
40:58
Speaker 1: their own behavior. It is so common for people to
41:01
Speaker 1: cut people out. Now, I'm the biggest advocate for cutting
41:06
Speaker 1: people out that literally are there to make your life
41:09
Speaker 1: a misery.
41:10
Speaker 2: Cut them out.
41:10
Speaker 1: Cut the fucking dead weight immediately, the people that were
41:14
Speaker 1: awful to you in a relationship and tried to like
41:17
Speaker 1: cut your self esteem down, that those kinds of people.
41:20
Speaker 2: Yes, cut them out.
41:21
Speaker 1: I love cutting people out when it is absolutely necessary
41:26
Speaker 1: to do so. Yes, you have that ability to do that,
41:30
Speaker 1: You learn how to do it, and you've got it there.
41:32
Speaker 2: If you need to in an emergency.
41:34
Speaker 1: Okay. However, people that will cut out friend because they're
41:38
Speaker 1: refusing to accept accountability for the fact that half of
41:41
Speaker 1: the demise of the friendship was their fault, and then
41:44
Speaker 1: they're like, oh, well, instead of having that difficult conversation,
41:46
Speaker 1: I just you know, I just won't call them. I
41:47
Speaker 1: won't call them, and they know that their friends pissed off,
41:49
Speaker 1: so the friend's not gonna call it, and it's like
41:50
Speaker 1: this standoff and then you just never end up calling
41:52
Speaker 1: each other and then you're like, oh my god, awkward
41:54
Speaker 1: they were at that party. Oh my god. So instead
41:56
Speaker 1: of just sitting down and talking to your friend and saying,
41:59
Speaker 1: is it actually necessary for this relationship to end or
42:01
Speaker 1: can we resurrect it? Like I on top of the
42:04
Speaker 1: fact that yes, I do talk about cutting people off
42:06
Speaker 1: and how to do it. If you listen to my
42:07
Speaker 1: Head Nose episodes, you will know that my number one
42:09
Speaker 1: thing that I always recommend is always try and salvage
42:13
Speaker 1: what was once a healthy relationship, because then you're left
42:16
Speaker 1: with no regrets unless this relationship is really unhealthy and
42:20
Speaker 1: bad for your self esteem and bad for your health overall.
42:23
Speaker 1: I think it's always worth trying to salvage it and
42:26
Speaker 1: seeing and if not, then you can like you left
42:29
Speaker 1: no stone unturned, and you know, then you feel good
42:31
Speaker 1: about that, and you also feel good that you were
42:34
Speaker 1: vulnerable enough to approach and have that conversation. Okay, and yeah,
42:41
Speaker 1: another thing that is maybe don't do is when you
42:44
Speaker 1: accuse people of overstepping your boundaries when they just try
42:46
Speaker 1: and have that conversation with you, or every time they
42:49
Speaker 1: try and like make you aware of the mistakes. You
42:52
Speaker 1: know why I don't want to have that talk. That's
42:53
Speaker 1: likely they're my boundaries. They're my boundaries. It's like no, no, no, no,
42:56
Speaker 1: they're not. Someone's just pulling you up and your shit
42:58
Speaker 1: and you don't want to hear it, and you're throwing
43:00
Speaker 1: the word boundary in. They're just to make it seem
43:02
Speaker 1: like you know what you're talking about. No, Okay, So
43:06
Speaker 1: two takeaway points to summarize this episode. Hopefully you've already
43:10
Speaker 1: taken a thousand points. But the first one is if
43:13
Speaker 1: you have to push yourself in life to seem a
43:15
Speaker 1: little bit more interested in your friends, you should. Okay,
43:19
Speaker 1: if you have to like push yourself to ask your
43:22
Speaker 1: friend about how their child is you should is your friend.
43:25
Speaker 1: If you have a child and you have to push
43:27
Speaker 1: yourself to ask about your child free friends, child free activities,
43:32
Speaker 1: you fucking should. They're your fucking friend just because they
43:35
Speaker 1: don't have a kid. Their lives are interesting. They're also busy.
43:37
Speaker 1: By the way, You're not the only busy person. It's
43:39
Speaker 1: like people have kids who roll their eyes being like,
43:41
Speaker 1: oh what do people without kids do? Oh my god,
43:43
Speaker 1: can't I've been busier without children. I hate it when
43:47
Speaker 1: people throw that word around, trying to isolate people that
43:49
Speaker 1: don't have kids, and then isolate people that do have kids,
43:51
Speaker 1: like just be a village. Okay, your friends are busy
43:55
Speaker 1: just because they don't have kids. Okay, they've got shit
43:57
Speaker 1: and their lives are not sitting around waiting hand and
43:59
Speaker 1: fult you like, no, anyway, I get annoyed at that.
44:04
Speaker 1: So yeah, if you have to go out of your
44:05
Speaker 1: way for your friend and it feels like, oh I'm
44:08
Speaker 1: going out of my way, do it. Do it because
44:10
Speaker 1: you're gonna feel better for it, trust me. Okay, you
44:12
Speaker 1: get that sense of purpose, you get that sense of fulfillment,
44:15
Speaker 1: and then in most cases, your friendship is going to
44:18
Speaker 1: get a lot closer and then you have someone that
44:20
Speaker 1: also does that for you, which is really really fucking nice. Okay.
44:23
Speaker 1: And then last one, I've already kind of said this,
44:26
Speaker 1: but I'm going to reiterate it is be open to
44:28
Speaker 1: healthy conflict, okay. And by healthy conflict, we're not talking
44:33
Speaker 1: about character assassinations and accusing, and I'm talking about be
44:37
Speaker 1: open to someone pulling you up on something. If someone
44:40
Speaker 1: starts feeling like closed off and they seem annoyed, just
44:42
Speaker 1: be like, are you annoyed? Love you so much?
44:45
Speaker 2: What have I done?
44:46
Speaker 1: And you can do it in a joking way.
44:47
Speaker 2: You can do it in a warm way, say what
44:49
Speaker 2: have I done?
44:49
Speaker 1: Tell me? Lol? Why don't we have like a key
44:53
Speaker 1: word that when someone's being annoyed we can say, y'ah
44:55
Speaker 1: And then you almost make it, like make light of it.
44:57
Speaker 1: And then it becomes really easy to talk about things
44:59
Speaker 1: that annoy you, being like you're doing that thing again?
45:01
Speaker 2: Love you so much?
45:02
Speaker 1: Are live and I did that to each other all
45:04
Speaker 1: the time.
45:04
Speaker 2: It's brilliant. It's brilliant.
45:05
Speaker 1: And then we never actually get annoyed because we can
45:07
Speaker 1: nip it in the bud so early that it's just
45:09
Speaker 1: never a thing.
45:09
Speaker 2: It's amazing.
45:10
Speaker 1: Okay, So yeah, basically that is all that I wanted
45:14
Speaker 1: to cover in today's episode, which I feel like was
45:17
Speaker 1: a lot. But yeah, send this to a friend that
45:21
Speaker 1: needs to hear it. Send this to anyone that needs
45:23
Speaker 1: to hear it. And if it's you, I'm glad you
45:25
Speaker 1: listened till the end. I'm very proud of you, and
45:27
Speaker 1: I'm really excited for you to become a really fucking
45:29
Speaker 1: epic friend in the future moving forward from today onwards.
45:33
Speaker 1: So yeah, that's all for today's episode. I love you
45:35
Speaker 1: guys so much.
45:36
Speaker 2: I'm loving the comments.
45:37
Speaker 1: By the way, if you listen to this podcast on
45:39
Speaker 1: Spotify where you can actually comment, the comments are great
45:42
Speaker 1: because a lot of people give me ideas for other episodes.
45:44
Speaker 1: I haven't replied to them all, but I am seeing
45:46
Speaker 1: the comments for sure. I see them all, and I
45:48
Speaker 1: am taking them onboard, and I'm noting down these suggestions
45:51
Speaker 1: that people have had for episodes, not just neuroscience off episodes,
45:54
Speaker 1: but also give me ideas for any kind of episode,
45:57
Speaker 1: because I'd love to cover the things that you guys
45:59
Speaker 1: want to listen to. So absolutely loving it. That is
46:02
Speaker 1: all for the episode of today. As always, remember becon't
46:04
Speaker 1: your brain be, can't yourself be? Can't your brain? Don't
46:07
Speaker 1: take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself.
46:10
Speaker 1: Don't it