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193. How To Manifest Positivity After Divorce Without Toxic Positivity or Codependency · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:49
  Speaker 1: There are three things you must know if you want 2025 to be a better year of manifestation than 2024 was.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: Love.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: It is December 31st, last day of the year, and I just want you to know I'm thinking about you.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: I love you so much.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: We are re-releasing our favorite episode on manifestation for you today, and just know that I am so excited for us to do season four together and I am sending you all this love on New Year's Eve.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: Hi, love.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary, the podcast helping divorcees go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave and build back your confidence.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer and divorcee.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your so manifestation.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: Let's start with the basics, okay.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: The first thing I want to talk about is how everything that you're experiencing right now is a current manifestation.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: Your current life and its current existence is where you're about to throw something at the phone.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: Your life and its current existence is where you're about to throw something at the phone.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: Your life and its current existence is your manifestation, meaning you co-created this life with the people you've been doing life with right, with your ex, with your family, with your friends, with whomever right.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: You manifested this and you may not have done it on purpose, you may have done it accidentally, you may not have realized you were manifesting this life, but this is a manifestation, and everything that we experience in life is a manifestation of how we have been thinking, feeling, and feelings and our choices are what ultimately add up into this big manifestational soup, and the ingredients and the flavor of those ingredients and how you combine them is what creates this life that you're living, and I am pretty confident that you don't like the flavor of this soup and that you want to create a different dish, and so, in order to do that, you really got to take a look at the ingredients that you have been putting into the manifestational soup.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: So this is takes us to the point right when, in the basics of manifestation, the first mindset shift you have to make is this idea that nothing in this life is happening to you.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: It is all happening around you and, if you want to take it a step further, for you, but ultimately nothing is happening to you.
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: You are not just a passive bystander with things like attacking you right and left.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: You are not being punished by God.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: Do you know how many people ask me that?
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: Am I being punished by God?
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: My best friend asked me that, clients asked me that, like that is not how it works.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: But when we have not been intentional about how we have been crafting our soup right, that shit doesn't taste good.
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: So this is about really shifting into you, get to shape your life to a large extent not completely and I'm not here to tell you I have all the answers, right.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: I am very clear that there is so much about the universe, about God, about metaphysical things, about how our brains and our bodies work, that I do not have the answers to.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: I am working with a lot of decent research and the amount of information that we have today, based on our limited human understanding about how the world works right and so, given that and how I've applied it in my own life and I've seen it work, and I've had to work through my own doubt, my own skepticism.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: I've had to work through integrating the concepts of manifestation with the Bible.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: That will be a different episode in this series.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: I have really come to understand that the first mindset shift you have to make is that you are not a victim and that you absolutely have the capacity to be in large part in control of how you manifest your own life.
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: You cannot control all the circumstances around you, but you can certainly find yourself intentionally in different circumstances as a result of consistently manifesting right.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: So what's an example of that, dawn?
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: Well, I cannot control.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: You know, if a politician in my town passes a law that affects some way that I live my life or I cannot control, this is a great example.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: I cannot control that.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: My kid's school this is a very small example my kid's school put in a policy for the fall where they're instituting uniforms.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: I can't control that.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: But I do have control over how I respond to that, how I work with it, whether I experience it as happening for me to my benefit or not.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: I have control over the decisions that I make and whether or not they're in alignment, whether or not I experience massive amounts of resistance in a day or I'm in flow state right.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: So I can't control all the circumstances outside of me, but I can have greater control inside of me, not in a way that leaves me numb and suppressed and disconnected, in a way that has me so connected that I feel safety, I feel flow state, I feel a great amount of ease not perfect ease, not no negative emotion.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: Negative emotion and dis-ease are a part of the human existence.
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: It's how we respond to those things and how we integrate them that gives us the greater control that allows us to manifest intentionally so that we have delicious tasting soup and that we experience the hardships in life radically differently, to the point that they become less hard, right.
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: So the first mindset shift is none of this is happening to you and you have the ability to step in into an empowered way to manifest with intention.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: But first you have to be willing to acknowledge that what exists in your life today, you did that.
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: Now, the good things that happen, you did that too, right, and you didn't do it all alone because you co-created right.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: But your life and its current existence, you did that, and that's not your knee-jerk reaction.
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: Your knee-jerk reaction is he did it, I didn't do it, he did it.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: Maybe we did some of it, but mostly he did it right.
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: And maybe that's not exactly how you feel, but that's often what I hear from a majority of my clients.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: Right, and listen, I still do it too.
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: I have a tendency to, let's say I'm talking about trauma or attachment styles or nervous system.
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: Right, I still have a tendency in my language to explain how trauma happened to me as a young person, and that's true, right, and it affected my nervous system and it affected how I move through life and how I process things and how much ease or dis-ease I feel in life.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: But there are language choices.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: And how much ease or dis-ease I feel in life, but there are language choices.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: There are thoughts, feelings and behaviors that I still do sometimes, that still put me in a victim role or a victim mindset that don't serve me, and then it affects my manifestation, right, so it's being able to catch ourselves when we put ourselves into this.
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: I didn't do it, it's not my fault, I don't have control mindset.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: We have to shift that.
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: Okay, now, beyond all right Dawn, everything you're saying in my life is a manifestation.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: What does it mean to manifest and how does it work?
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: Well, let's start with a kind of basic analogy.
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: Everything in life is energy.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: You may have heard the word vibration, right, because energy, if it is energized, it vibrates.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: So everything in life is energy and has a vibrational quality, including our emotions, our thoughts, our choices, the plants around us, the air around us, like everything has energy, right, all right.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: So we understand that everything is made of energy, and good old Albert Einstein taught us that energy cannot be created nor destroyed.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: It can only be transformed.
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: So, for instance, my body is made up of energy, but it needs additional energy.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: So I eat food and the food gives my body more energy, and then that energy gets processed.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: And then I eat food and the food gives my body more energy, and then that energy gets processed and then I poop it out, and then that poop actually becomes energy or fertilizer for the earth to produce more energy.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: Right, it's just this constant flow of energy, one type of energy feeding another type of energy.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: And so if everything has energy, then it's learning how to work with those energies and how to perceive and sense vibrations and how to be intentional about the ways in which we're working with energy.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: So if I got into my car this morning and I acknowledged that that car runs on energy meaning I put fuel into it and then there is an engine system that involves combustion, that allows that car to have a gas pedal and a brake pedal, and both pedals require the transfer of energy to do the thing to go or to stop right.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: And I just got into my car and I turned it on and I stepped on the gas pedal to go, without care consideration to what direction I was going in.
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: What would happen next?
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: Well, in my yard, what would happen is that my car would be under a pile of bricks in my summer kitchen, headed for the lake right.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: It would not be good, it would cause tons of damage and I would not have accomplished the goal of whatever was the reason that I got in the car to go.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: Now, if I put a little bit of effort into it and I said, well, let me go in reverse and not drive, and I stepped on the gas massively, what would happen?
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: I would end up reversing into somebody's yard right and crashing into the hedges.
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: And so how hard I push on the gas is how much momentum I get, means how far I will go without resistance.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: How hard I push on the brake is how much resistance I create in order to slow down my momentum.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: This car analogy is a really a brilliant way of understanding how far or how quickly we are able to execute our goals and get in the direction that we want to go.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: The gas is momentum, the brake is resistance, and how efficiently and effectively we are able to plot our course, meaning where do I want to go?
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: I need to go in reverse, I need to turn left, I need to turn left again, I need to turn right.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: This is I'm giving you basically the directions to school drop off in the morning, right, but being able to plot our course and then effectively use the gas or the brake in order to accomplish what we need to accomplish.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: Now, in this analogy, what is gas and what is brake?
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: Well, negative emotion and resistance and resentment and doubt and fear and shame and depression, and all of this.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: This is all resistance, this is all the brake pedal to intentional manifestation of delicious life, right Of the good soup, right.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: And so the gas is positive, anticipation, is joy, is education, is knowledge, is, you know, the deliciousness of life.
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: Now, we can't stay in all that positive space all the time, because if we just laid on the gas in the car all the time, what would happen?
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: Like we would just crash, right, we would crash and burn.
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: And so we do need certain amounts of resistance in order to reach our destination, in order to know do I want to keep going the direction that I want to go.
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: So when we're driving, right, we want to be able to have the brakes in order to deal with things in our environment, right?
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: So let's say, all of a sudden I'm going to turn onto a street and I realize there's a one-way sign and I didn't perceive it in time.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: Right, I'm going to need to use the brakes, I'm going to need to swerve to avoid an accident.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: If I see a pedestrian, I'm going to need to stop accordingly.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: Right, there are just experiences in life that are going to kick up resistance.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: It's going to kick up resistance.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: It's going to kick up negative emotion.
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: It's going to give us the opportunity to say, oh, I didn't like how that felt.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: How do I want to handle that differently?
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: Right, living just means we are going to be exposed to growth and to challenges and to other people's vibrational states.
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: The way that other people are driving the car that just made the analogy really good.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: Right there.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: Because how often are you frustrated with how other people are driving the car?
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: That just made the analogy really good right there.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: Because how often are you frustrated with how other people are literally driving their cars, whether it's on the road or just how they're treating people in relationship right.
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, what we want to understand is that inside of each of us, is this vehicle, this gas and this break right?
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: And that we are in control of whether or not we primarily experience positive emotion, positive anticipation, optimism, empowerment, seeing myself as capable and willing and supported versus victimized.
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: Because all the feelings that go with victimization right, are anxiety, are fear, are anger, are resentment, are depression, and so it's like.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: This one mindset shift automatically gives us more access to better control over the map of where we're going and how quickly we get there right.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: So let's dig a little deeper.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: We get there right.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: So let's dig a little deeper to not feel like a victim, to keep having positive anticipation, even though I've experienced very painful things.
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: What does that require?
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: Well, it requires a deep personal relationship with God or a higher power, or a creator, or a divine intelligence, an organization, that not chaos, right.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: So the thing that grounds our manifest manifestational work, that grounds our directionality here, is the idea that we were created with a plan, with a purpose, and that the more we can be in that deep personal relationship really in tune with God and God's idea for us in life, the better things feel, the easier it is to rest, the easier it is to positively anticipate.
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: But, girlfriend, if you are anything like me, you have fought hard against that at many, many, many junctures.
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: Right, and said, like I need to control in a way that says I must have this particular outcome and when it's not going my way, I'm going to wrestle with God and I'm going to resist God's feedback in my life and I'm going to struggle and I'm gonna push and I am going to just tantrum, right.
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: And so when we do all that tantruming and we say, no, it must be my way and not our way, god right, not co-creating with God.
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: When I say it must be my way that I create so much more pain, right, I am putting poison in the soup and it tastes like crap.
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: And so the more and more and more I get to really sense God's existence in my life, on my path, how guided my path is, how beautiful my path is unfolding to be, then the less stress I get about any number of things, right, if my kid is going through something or my husband is going through something, or you know whatever it is, I'm able to say like, huh, this must be happening on my behalf, according to a higher intelligence and a higher purpose, and my job is to understand the unfolding of all of that.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: So that is very much how I got through my divorce right.
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: I said well, I did a pretty crappy job of getting myself to this point so far because I am in so much pain, and so I want to understand more about myself and God's intention in my life and I want to reroll this thing so that I can build a better boat next time.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: And I immediately adopted the mindset that this was happening for me and not to me, and that I was going to work through it in that way.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: And eventually I've come to the place to believe that I didn't even make a mistake in that first marriage, that my mistake was in kind of doubting that the plan was perfectly unfolding the way that it needed to happen, that my mistake was in shaming, blaming or punishing myself or believing I was punished.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: That my path, that we learn by doing.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: We learn by making mistakes.
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: We draw closer to God by slowing down, by being more than doing right, and that in each phase of my life I have become more intentional, more refined, a deepening of my spirituality, a deepening in my ability to hear God in my life.
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: Super interesting to have a young child right now and to try to teach her these things as a young person, right, and take these concepts that I think are hard for all of us and to guide a little mind towards being able to hear a living God work in her life.
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: Now, even if you are studying manifestation from, like a popular culture way right, I study the law of attraction a lot.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: I listen to Abraham Hicks.
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: You know she calls it inner being or Abraham In kind of any walk of life, you will hear the interpretation of what it means to have a deep personal relationship with a creator.
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: Right, and that's what we're talking about here.
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: That's what gives us the peace that passes all understanding in order to not constantly be feeling negative emotion that everything is going to shit.
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: Now, when you start to put all these pieces together, that the fuel that I put in the car is higher quality because it is more faith-based, it is more trusting, it has a greater sense of security, it's believing that everything is going to work out in the end as long as I stay in the direction of alignment.
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: It is knowing that I'm going to use a map.
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: I'm not just going to get in the car and slam on the gas and then slam on the brake.
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: I'm going to be intentional that anytime I feel negative emotion I'm going to go to God and say what is this for?
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: I'm going to stop blaming and shaming myself and punishing myself.
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: I'm going to stop seeing God in that way.
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: When I start living my life in this way there's greater peace.
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: And when I start to understand that each thought, feeling and behavior that I do is going to dictate how delicious my soup tastes, how well my life turns out or doesn't, how painful it is or how easy it is, all of a sudden, all those resentments I have towards all those people, I'm less motivated to fuel those right, because I know that resentment is negative emotion, it is resistance, it is the brake pedal to manifesting everything that I want in my life.
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: Resentment, rage, depression, anxiety those are all resistance, brake pedal to getting to where I want to go.
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: Now I'm human, so I know I'm going to use the brake.
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: Sometimes there's going to be resistance.
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: But do I just slam on the brake and stay there and stop going anywhere?
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: Or do I get better at saying, huh, let me find a tool.
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: Let me find a solution.
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: Let me figure out how to metabolize whatever's happening.
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: Let me figure out how to make sense of this.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: Let me figure out how to rest a little easier.
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: Let go a little more.
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: Let me figure out how to make sense of this.
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: Let me figure out how to rest a little easier.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: Let go a little more.
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: Let me figure out how to fly a little higher in this instance.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: Let me figure out how to believe that these people aren't out to get me, they're just out to solve their own problems and and you know that's going.
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: However, it's going for them that I can, little by slow over time, time, move my life, my car, in the direction of things that are absolutely amazing, and that there's always going to be more.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: I can manifest All of this love is what starts to lay the groundwork the capacity for forgiveness to all the people that have wronged you and the ways in which you have wronged yourself, which is usually by blaming and shaming and being really hard on yourself or for not loving yourself well and therefore not knowing how to love others well, or not knowing how to receive the love of God or receive the love from others.
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: Well, right, like having a closed heart.
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: Those are ways that we punish ourselves is by shutting down our hearts and then not knowing how to receive love, and then feeling like everything is shitty when really it's because we're blocking it off.
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: Right, we've just stepped on the brake and not let anything good in.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: So how to manifest the basics?
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: It's understanding, number one, that nothing is happening to you, that you are manifesting the life around you.
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: If something great happened, you did that.
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: If something not so great happened, you did that too.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: And that the fastest way to get to a juicy, juicy life is to be co-creating with God in a deep, personal way.
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: There's kind of no way around that.
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: And that all of this work of understanding how to use the gas and the brake and how to plot your course and how to turn negative emotion into positive emotion, that all of this work of understanding how to use the gas and the brake and how to plot your course and how to turn negative emotion into positive emotion, that all of that is going to lay the groundwork for you to be able to forgive.
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: This is manifestation love and its basics, and we can talk about down the road, about how to clean up your vibration.
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: We can talk about how to use vision boards.
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: We could talk about what scripture says about manifestation, how to co-create with God.
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: We can talk about how to deepen your relationship with God, but these are the basics.
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: Check your mindset, check your relationship with God and just know that one of the goals that we're working.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: Dear Divorce Diary is a podcast by my coach, dawn.
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: You can find more at mycoachdawncom.