Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep11: Larry's Laugh Line 🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep11: Larry's Laugh Line 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Good looking folks in Illinois, I'll tell you that much.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I love you.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Which begs the question, what state are you from?
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm only serious.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, anyway.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'll see you at the house.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: God bless you.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna have fun tonight.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: I tell you, I done a show last night, and the folks that didn't walk out on me really enjoyed it.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: So uh I always like to picture everybody naked when I first come out.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm not nervous or nothing, I'm just a pervert.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: So you need to put your clothes back on.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Right, yeah.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: What is that?
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: You should picture me without clothes on, then you'd be laughing so hard I wouldn't have to tell any jokes up here.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry about my outfit.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: I just come from a wedding, so I apologize for that.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: It was a weird wedding, too.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: They had the father-daughter dance, they ended up leaving together.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: All right, one more joke like that.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm getting the hell out of here.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: All right, because that's that's uncalled for right there.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: I guess I should do this.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Gitter done.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's right, get her done.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the first phrase, that wasn't my original phrase.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: The first one I come up with was yipper dipper ripper stripper.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: I know, right?
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: It wouldn't fit on a hat, plus I don't know what the hell it means.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Alright.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: No idea.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: I was gonna uh work out this morning, but I uh I woke up with the sweat, so I figured I already had it in there.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: So uh almost didn't make it here tonight.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I hate flying in airplanes.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'd fly to meet my bus, and I hate flying them dagom airplanes, and the dagum airport wouldn't let me bring my emotional support stripper with me on the airplane.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: I ain't kidding.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: When that plane gets going like that, if I can't motorboat a pair of titties, I'm in trouble.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: It was so windy where I lived one time I lost my hat, two cigars, and my neighbor's house.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Lost his house because one of my cigars blew in his trailer and burned his house down.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Let's keep that to ourselves.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: It got out of control, too.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: It burnt down Cheryl's she shed.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now you know the whole story right there.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know the whole story.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Tonight's a special night for me.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Tonight is the 10-year anniversary when my hometown gave me the keys to the city and had a little parade for me.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: So uh thank you so much.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Remain seated, thank you.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: And tomorrow's the 10-year anniversary again when they uh changed all the locks in the city.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's cold winter time again.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: You like the winter?
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: I hate it.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: I like summer better than winter.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: That winter kills me.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: My weenie's been in any for the last five days in here.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: I ain't kidding.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: I could flash a cop and not get in any trouble right now.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: It snowed the other day.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: I could only pee my initials in the snow, all right?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: But my upper body loves cold weather.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: My lower body can't handle it.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: I wish they'd get together on the weather.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: It gets cold out.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: You can play this little piggy on my daggum neck.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: He hates it, but they look these little piggies went to market.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, well, that little hog stayed home.
• 3:38
  unknown: Alright.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'll guarantee you that.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's cold everywhere.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was in Los Angeles, California.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's so cold I seen a junkie with his tongue stuck to the spoon.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Alright.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: My wife's from Wisconsin.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: You think you guys get cold?
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Go to Wisconsin.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Holy smokes.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: We're up here Thanksgiving.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know how cold it was up there?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: That sucked.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: It was so cold in Wisconsin the ice cream machine at McDonald's was working.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now I like hot weather.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: I like when it's hot and humid.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: I lived in Florida for a long time.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: I love hot and humid.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: It was so hot down there one time I seen a squirrel putting talcum powder on his nuts.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now I don't like it when it's hot and humid, and I gotta wear blue jeans everywhere.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Holy Mark, I'll walk in like this.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, we filmed four episodes of Swamp People in my pants.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: It was bad.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: I went in for a physical, dropped my underbreaches, three mushrooms fell out.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: I ain't kidding.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: That explains why I kept getting followed by that truffle pig right there.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: I knew that, but I was two days away from them declaring my crotch a wetlander.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: But they try to scare everybody now with the heat, don't they?
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Try to scare you, make it hotter than it is.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: When I was growing up, 99 degrees, 99 degrees.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now it's 99 degrees out, but the feels like temperature's 103.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: The feels light.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Who come up with that?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: A fisherman?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: The feels like temperature?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Stupid.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: My wiener's three inches, but it feels like mine.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Tradiculous.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's ridiculous.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Well, my wife sent me up to the grocery store all by myself the other day to get some feminine products.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Celer, carrots, lettuce.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: I had to buy some chewing tobacco so it doesn't look like a pajama boy sissy in there.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Anybody chew tobacco?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: That guy, ma'am, you?
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: All right, perfect, basket.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: I like chewing tobacco, but I only do it because it keeps me from eating sugar and eating bad food late at night.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: So you can see that's working out real good for me right now.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's now I'm fat and I got bad teeth.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: What the hell?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: I hate that grocery store self-checkout.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: What in the world?
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: All the enjoyment of working at the store without the satisfaction of getting a paycheck.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's always nice.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: You like self-checkout?
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: I hate it.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Every time I go in there, I get stuck behind some idiot trying to find a barcode on a cucumber in there.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: You ever done this?
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: You ever buy a kit cat bar?
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: You got like 12 items, you got a kit cat bar, and then they look at you and go, You gonna take that or you want that in a bag?
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's when you know you're a fat ass right there.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: I know.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: They pissed me off last week.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: They'd done that with potato salad I had in there.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: I know, and they put a napkin and a fork on the daggone thing for me.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever seen somebody at the grocery store?
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: You ever seen a fella in there staring at a head of cabbage?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I was up there one time, I seen a dude all by himself staring at a head of cabbage.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: I got a theory about that.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: That guy's wife sent him up there to get a head of lettuce.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: All cabbage ought to come with a label on it that says, This is not what your wife wants you to buy.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Three days before Thanksgiving, my wife sends me up to the grocery store to get some yams.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: 45 daggum minutes, I'm looking for yams.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: I can't find a daggum yam.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: I come home, I said they ain't got no yams up there.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, You mean to tell me three days before Thanksgiving, they don't got no sweet potatoes at the grocery store.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be right back.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Christmas is my favorite time of year.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: It goes too quick.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: But you know what?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Our house we celebrate Christmas every day, and I'll tell you why.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Two reasons.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, we love the Lord Jesus.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: He was born on Christmas Day, that's why we celebrate.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: And uh number two, uh, my sister looks like Burl Lives.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: I don't eat good at Christmas, I'll tell you that much.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: I got a Fitbit on Christmas Eve.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: I put it on, it dialed 911.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know what killed me at Christmas last year, food-wise?
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: The Kentucky Fried Chicken 12-day advent calendar.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Holy smokes, them five golden wings had me turtled oven all the way to the bathroom.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: I guarantee.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: I ain't kidding.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: I could have dropped my pants and dropped a partridge out of a pear tree right there, I guarantee.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Every time I start getting a little too fat at Christmas, so my kids will buy me a Christmas gift to hint around that I'm too fat.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know what they got me last year?
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: A petri dish with flesh-eating bacteria.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: We ran our kids up to the Walmart last year to see the Christmas village up there.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: We wasn't there more than 10 minutes.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody was already running a meth lab out of the gingerbread house.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: The hell?
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I love shopping at Walmart, but Dad gum, that's like a meth maker's paradise in there, ain't it?
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Walmart's the only store in the world you can go and see somebody buying 16 boxes of cough syrup and some garden hose.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody thinks that's weird.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: You ever shot Walmart after midnight?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Holy smokes.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Taggum, it's like a casting call for Ripley's, believe it or not, in that place.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Twenty dollars for a haircut.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, five dollars for a haircut, fifteen dollars for the hat you gotta wear next three weeks.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: Got a doctor's office up at the Walmart.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Holy smokes, people going in there.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was there the day they gave a guy three months to live in there.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: And uh he ended up getting hired as a door greeter once he walked out that door.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: I had to go get a flu shot one time.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to go to the doctor, and my wife goes, Well, shoot, run up to Walmart.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: They're giving flu shots.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Are you kidding me?
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: I ain't getting a flu shot at Walmart.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: Bad gum.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Normally I gotta get vaccinated before I go in there.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Get a flu shot at Walmart.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: The flu's the last thing I'm worried about at Walmart, all right?
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Bad gum, they probably got Ebola behind a box in there somewhere I didn't know about.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was up there one time, there's a dude out front in a hazmat suit.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, is it safe to go in there?
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, yeah, why?
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: I go, you're in a hazmat suit.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, I know I work here, I'm collecting the carts.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: So every time I go up my local Walmart, I'm friends with a lot of folks up there, but every time I go up there, I see Doug.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: I always wave to Doug.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: I walk in, what's up, Doug?
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Doug kind of, eh, you know, every time, hey Doug, let me ask you something.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever called somebody the wrong name for about five years?
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: They don't even acknowledge you're calling them the wrong name.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Just make you look like a douchebag for five years.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I finally got to talking to Doug three days ago.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Her name's Denise.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: So my buddy rented out.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: He wanted to save money on his wedding.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: He rented out a Walmart, got married at a Walmart.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: It was unbelievable.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Got married in the jewelry department, and we had the reception in the deli over there, and we all got our pictures took in a photo booth.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Then we left, they had the honeymoon in the men's room.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: It was unbelievable.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: It was a wedding made in China.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Let me ask you this: have you ever gotten a wedding invitation from somebody that you barely know?
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: What the hell?
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's like getting a bill in the mail.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: I hate weddings.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: I was the one a while back.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Holy smokes, I ain't seen the bride was overweight, but whew.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: My buddy caught the garter belt.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: He's still been using it to tie up cordwood on his pickup track.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: My mother-in-law last month won$400 in a hot dog eating contest.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's unbelievable.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: $400, 40 hot dogs in 10 minutes she ate.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't believe it.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: My mother-in-law not talking for 10 minutes.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: I know.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, she talked.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: I know.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: She can talk.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: She's the only woman at the beach getting melanoma on her tongue.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: All right, I guarantee.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not a big gambler.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: My my grandma, holy Michael.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying she's addicted to the blackjack, but she's got a medical alert bracelet on that says in case of emergency, split the kings.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: My wife likes to go with me when I go to Las Vegas because she likes to go see the Chippendales.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: You know why she likes going to the Chippendales?
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't marry very good.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: She married a Chunkendale.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: She gives me money to put my clothes back on, but she doesn't.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: I like going out there to Las Vegas.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's where you see all the 1970s, 80s classic rock bands singing out there.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: Now I like them bands.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, only difference between seeing them bands now 30 years ago, 30 years ago go backstage, smell like pot everywhere.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now it smells like pot and Ben Gay.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: You go back to them things.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: They all still got long hair, too, ain't that something?
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Huh.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, it's coming out their nose and ears on most of them fellas in there.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Here's one thing you never want to hear a classic rock band say when you go to the concert.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: Here's one off our new album.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Honey, let's go get a beer.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody wants to hear that shit.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: I went to see Molly Hatchet.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: That was awesome right there.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: I like on Molly Hatchet.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know what was cool about it?
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: After the concert was over, true story, I got to go in the lobby and take a picture with all the cardboard cutouts of the original members.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: I like going to the buffets out there, the casino buffets.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: They delicious.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: You ever been to the all-you-can-eat pasta buffet at the casino?
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: Holy smokes, that's the day I got red flag by the plumbers union right there.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: Hot day you.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever done that at all, anybody?
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't done it.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm asking if you've had to do that.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: I ain't done that.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: We got a winner right here.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: We got a winner.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: People got no manners at them daggone buffets.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: There was a guy actually sitting at the buffet.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: Piss me off.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: I walk up there.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you ain't supposed to stick your face right in the deck.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: I felt bad.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: He was in a wheelchair.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: Believe me, I felt bad.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: Not as bad as I felt though when I pushed him out of the way.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you that.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: Get out of the way, roller boy.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm about to make some bad decisions right here.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: I love that Golden Corral.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's a good restaurant right there.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that is good in there.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: They ought to have a scoring system at Golden Corral, like they do in bowling, you know?
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: You walk in there to eat, they put your name up on the TV screen and show everybody how much food you ate after 10 trips to the buffet.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: You can pick teams and compete with other fat folks in there.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: That'd be something.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, sweetheart, where's my scratch pants?
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's league night at Golden Corral tonight.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: I seen a couple get engaged at the Golden Corral.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, fellas, here's a tip.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: If you're gonna ask your girl to marry you at a Golden Corral, get down on two knees and do it so she can't kick you in the nuts.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: People got no manners at them daggone buffets.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: There was a guy actually sitting at the buffet.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: Piss me off.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: I walk up there.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know you ain't supposed to stick your face right in the deck.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: I felt bad he was in a wheelchair.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: Believe me, I felt bad.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: Not as bad as I felt though when I pushed him out of the way.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you that.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: Get out of the way, roller boy.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm about to make some bad decisions right here.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: I love that Golden Corral.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's a good restaurant right there.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that is good in there.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: They ought to have a scoring system at Golden Corral, like they do in bowling, you know.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: Walk in there to eat, they put your name up on the TV screen and show everybody how much food you ate after 10 trips to the buffet.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: You can pick teams and compete with other fat folks in there.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: That'd be something.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, sweetheart, where's my scratch pants?
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's league night at Golden Corral tonight.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: I seen a couple get engaged at the Golden Corral.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, fellas, here's a tip.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: If you're gonna ask your girl to marry you at a golden corral, get down on two knees and do it so she can't kick you in the nuts.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: Down in Branson, they got stuff down there, buffets, holy smokes.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: They got an international buffet in Branson.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: It is crazy.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: They got food all the way from Memphis.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: Got a double decker buffet.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: They got a double decker, one of the world's largest buffets, double decker, spiral staircase.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: All right, that's just what all us fat folks have been clamoring for right there.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: A buffet with a staircase.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna get some more of them donut holes.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: They're upstairs.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm alright, I guess.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be all right.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: Stay down here, get some meatballs, put some powdered sugar on them.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I do right there.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of old folks down there in branching riding them scooters down there.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: I find that crazy.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: These folks have lost their driver's license two decades ago, but they're gonna go ahead and let them have motorized vehicles and a room full of pedestrians at the buffets down there.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: Trying to get food they're zipping by like it's a drive-thru.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: I went up to get some potato salad.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: It was like I was in a live frogger game all of a sudden.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, I can't.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: What the hell?
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: I finally got hit head on by some old dude trying to text and drive.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: He trying to send a crock shot to Tinder, apparently.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: I was uh at a restaurant one time.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: You ever been to these restaurants and you go to the bathroom?
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: It can be any restaurant, but you go to the bathroom and they go take a leak in there, and they got a sign that says all employees must wash hands.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: That scares the hell out of me right there.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: They need a sign to tell these folks to wash their hands?
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, what the hell makes me wonder what kind of sign they got back in the kitchen we can't see back there?
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: Don't snot in the coleslaw.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: Don't dip your scrotum in the salsa.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, that actually happened one time.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's a true story.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: You remember that story?
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: A waiter was mad at a customer and dipped his scrotum in the salsa.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's why I always ordered a hot cheese dip.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: We live in a great country, though.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: I tell you what, these people bitch about our country.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is an awesome country.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: We got you realize there's a buffet on every street corner in this country.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: Other people starving.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: You ever see a starving kid commercial?
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: For eight cents a day, you can feed a starving child.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: Eight cents a day?
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: That gum, you can't keep a gerbil alive for eight cents a day.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: That gum, I go through 270 bucks a day and I'm on a diet.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: Reading an article in the paper the other day.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_00: Fella jumped off some mountain with one of them kites, Batman kites, and it didn't work and he slammed into something and killed him.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: And it said, Diver dies of freak accident.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: Freak act ain't a freak accident.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: You jumped off a building with a kite on your back.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's a dumbass accident, is what that is.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_00: A freak accident.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: What a freak accident.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you what a freak accident is.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: You're down there at the local, you know, stopping shop down there and getting gas, and unbeknownst to you, there's two clowns in a knife fight.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: One of them falls and stabs you in the face.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's a freak accident right there.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: Read another article one time.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is why I don't like polls.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: I see an article they said they pulled in Washington, D.C.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_00: They polled 2,500 women.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: Said now that Bill Clinton's way older.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: Unbelievable.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: 94% said not again.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, good night.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: Good night.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: All right, I'll stay, I'll stay.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_00: All right, you convinced me.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna hang out for a while.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: Remain seated.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: Stupid polls.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the polls indicate I ain't never been polled.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: You ever been polled?
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: I've been pulled, been pulled, bim, pulled, bim, pulled, bim, pol-bim, pull.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: These only one poll I ever trusted, that's the polls I do at my shows.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I done one last night.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: I believe this.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: I pulled all my audience last night.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: 87% of them said at this point in time during my show, they want your money back.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: I've been uh well, use one of the 13%.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: 87, 13.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, 13% right there.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, right.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: I know my dad gun mount.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I work a lot of fairs.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: I love working fairs.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's awesome because I grew up in fairs and I love fairs.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: What has happened to the clientele at the fairs lately, though?
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: Holy smokes, I was up here the other day.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: There's a dude walking like he's bleeding from the nose, you know, walking like he got a daggum fart stuck sideways, heading down that thing.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: Looked like a greyhound bus overturned.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_00: He came walking in trying to get help or something.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's unbelievable at these fairs.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, anybody ever ride a Greyhound bus?
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_00: I used to ride them back in the early days of comedy.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: Holy smokes, only thing slower than a Greyhound bus is the people on the day gum bus.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: They're a good value, though.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: I went from Sanford, Florida, all the way to Lincoln, Nebraska one time,$49.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man, 119 days.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: Oh smokes.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: And the big selling point at the time was now with more leg room.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: What they needed was more headroom, so I could have hung myself halfway through the trip.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: A couple years ago, my grandma, uh playing bingo at the fair, won her a spa package.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: But uh be honest, I think they gave her the wrong package.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: Uh she said that uh she was able to tolerate the Botox, but uh during the Brazilian whack she farted and blinded the attendant.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_00: Be with the stars and take me coming in the beginning.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: I saw my grandma topless two weeks ago.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's the last time I let her drink before a concert.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you that.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: It was embarrassing.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: It was windy out, so her boobies was flying around like one of them inflatable wind dancers in front of an oil chain shop, you know what I mean?
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: It is horrible.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: The Oak Ridge boys didn't even want to do an encore after they saw that.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks a lot, Grandma.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: Your flappin' titties just cost me an encore of giddy up oompha mow mouth right there, all right.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: I kid my grandma.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: My grandma's awesome.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: She's actually a widower.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: She's trying to she's trying to meet some fellas now.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: She's on one of them uh elderly dating services she went on the internet now.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: Meta musical mingled.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: She's been on that time for a while.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_00: I think she's on medical marijuana, I ain't sure, but uh she gave us a quilt the other day made out of Taco Bell wrappers, so there's something going on there.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_00: We almost lost my granddad.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: He's 93 years old, he almost passed away on us.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_00: He almost lost him on the toilet.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_00: He almost died on the toilet.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: Boy, what a way to go right there.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_00: Can you imagine dying on the toilet?
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, what do you say to the relatives at the wake to make them feel better?
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that's a tough one there.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: Mrs.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: Eagerhoff, we're we're real sorry here about Ed, man.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's uh at least he died doing what he loved, you know.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's the thing.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: We we heard he fought till the bitter end, and that's the thing.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: He he wasn't a quitter, so he got it out, and we're excited, and that's nice.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna light a match tonight and remember him at midnight, and hopefully.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_00: I read a story one time a fella got bit by a snake sitting on toilet.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_00: He got interviewed and said, first thing I thought was I need to call animal control.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's the first thing he thought.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_00: If I got bit by something similar, first thing I'd think is, What the hell did I eat last night?
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: That gum, my my food's circling back on me here.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_00: But we almost lost my grandpa.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_00: He sat on one of them power flush toilets.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: You ever seen them energy savers?
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_00: You flush it, and it's like go like that.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, if you sit on it flush, it'll put a hickey on your hind end, I guarantee you.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: It will.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: But he sat on there, flushed it, boom, left nut down the drain.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: I ain't kidding.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_00: True story, I wish it wasn't, but that's a true story.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to help him out, I'm trying to yank him off that thing right here.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's stuck in that little tube hole in there.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's like dangum stretch armstrong, like and finally, it come loose slow motion right in my daggum head.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: It hits me boom, boom, boom, boom.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_00: It was like them little knocker balls.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_00: You ever see them little knockerballs?
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_00: Bloodied my daggum nose.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: My wife's like, what's going on in here?
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, his twig and berries went MMA on is what happened in there.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: I've had it.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: And it stinks getting older and fatter.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I used to be something back in the day, boys.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_00: I used to be something.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_00: I did.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_00: I used to run cross-country.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_00: You Google it, I think I still hold the state record for taking the most in the woods.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm on a diet now, I'm eating nothing but fruit loops.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_00: But my wife has me on a wife has me on a diet now where I can have one cheat day.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I can have a hamburger with the cheese and the bun.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: One day a week.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_00: Or anytime I drive by a fast food restaurant when she's not with me in the car.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: She's a stickler too, I'll tell you what.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: She'd be up here sleeping at 2:30 in the morning, and the dog goes down there, bark at the door for 10 minutes.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_00: She don't hear nothing.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_00: She's racked out.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta go down there and let the dog out.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: So the next day I go down there, I'm kinda hungry.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_00: I pour a little bowl of Captain Crunch down there.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: I hear it.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_01: Get out of Captain Crunch!
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_00: What the hell?
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_00: I should have barked when I poured that Captain Crunch in there, but I shouldn't have done.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_00: It such getting old and fat that day.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_00: I remember when my beard turned white, my my my wife was like trying to comfort me.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's okay, honey.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: I like somebody with a little salt and pepper in their beard.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_00: Made me feel a little better.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_00: Then she goes, it's the corner in your teeth that's disgusting.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: I was gonna say broccoli, but none of y'all believe I eat broccoli.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: All right, that's right.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: Uh here's the thing about getting older, you start losing your daggone memory.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: I can't I have a hard time remembering stuff now.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's so frustrating.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever left your groceries on the roof of your car?
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, for three weeks?
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a hypochondriac.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: I always think I'm dying of something, freaking out.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_00: Had a red box right there one time for a week, it's freaking me out.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: So I go get a biopsy on it.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_00: Tested positive for picante sauce.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: Idiot.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: Cost me a thousand dollars to do that.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_00: Good news is he wrote me a prescription for napkins, so that's pretty good, I guess.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_00: I always think I'm dying.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: Don't ever look nothing up on the internet, because it ain't good.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's always lupus or Lou Gehrig's, that's what it is.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_00: One of them two.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_00: I think I got both of them damn diseases.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: Seen a commercial the other day for breast implant leakage.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_00: I had every damn symptom of a breastplant leakage in there.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_00: These stupid things.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_00: I ain't kidding, Wick.
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_00: Don't ever look it up.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's always loopus.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_00: Except for one time I had a lump right here.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, what the hell?
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_00: I look it up.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, brain cancer.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's it for me.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a dead man.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_00: I got brain cancer.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_00: You never learned nothing on the internet medically looking it up.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_00: Except one time I did, I found out that Jock Itch is also the name of a porn star in France.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_00: And what is it about getting in your mid-50s, your big toenails like a manhole cover all of a sudden?
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_00: Holy smokes, I went to clip it the other day, the pin popped out of the clipper system in there.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_00: Holy smokes.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_00: Finally, I chip it off, hits my kid in the head, knocks him out, he's bleeding from the eyeball.