Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Nurturing our Extroverts - Those Energizer Bunnies | Ep. 58

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Nurturing our Extroverts - Those Energizer Bunnies | Ep. 58 · The Parenting Podcast

• 1:02
  Ellen: So I had such a weird experience yesterday.
• 1:05
  Ellen: I gotta tell you guys about it.
• 1:07
  Ellen: But, um, well, I've never been scammed before and this, and I was not prepared for this one.
• 1:14
  Ellen: I got a message from PayPal that there was a problem with my account.
• 1:20
  Cheryl: And you're usually not gullible?
• 1:21
  Cheryl: No.
• 1:22
  Cheryl: It must, it must have been good.
• 1:23
  Ellen: Yeah, well, I mean, it looked legitimate and I didn't think anything about it.
• 1:27
  Ellen: And so it said, contact us immediately.
• 1:29
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 1:30
  Ellen: So I clicked on the link, I wound up talking to a man who introduced himself as James that worked for PayPal and he asked if he could share my screen mm-hmm.
• 1:40
  Ellen: Cause that's pretty normal nowadays.
• 1:41
  Ellen: Yeah, yeah.
• 1:42
  Ellen: So, um, he showed me my PayPal account.
• 1:45
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 1:45
  Ellen: and there was$600 that was, um, put in there that didn't belong in there.
• 1:51
  Ellen: I don't even remember all the details.
• 1:53
  Ellen: No, it was such a blur.
• 1:54
  Ellen: So I spent probably 30 minutes on the phone Now I didn't exchange any banking information with him, but he had a lot of information on me.
• 2:03
  Ellen: Oh, wow.
• 2:04
  Ellen: So then he said, Well, what, what I need you to do to correct this, I need you to go down to Wal.
• 2:09
  Ellen: Who, what.
• 2:10
  Ellen: And um, because then I can authenticate from Walgreens.
• 2:15
  Ellen: So then I'm starting to go, Okay, this is getting weird.
• 2:18
  Ellen: And he goes, Yeah, yeah, just go over to Walgreens.
• 2:21
  Ellen: So I'm thinking this isn't right.
• 2:24
  Ellen: I want you to purchase a target card.
• 2:27
  Ellen: I go, Well, this is a scam.
• 2:28
  Ellen: And then he starts backtracking.
• 2:30
  Ellen: By that time I'm pulling into my bank, which is right down the street That's smart.
• 2:34
  Ellen: Lm.
• 2:34
  Ellen: I walk in with my phone with him on the phone.
• 2:36
  Ellen: I'm still kind of yaking with him, and I go, I'm in the middle of being scammed and this guy's, you know, claiming I said all this.
• 2:45
  Ellen: And he got really mad cuz he could hear and was on the speaker.
• 2:48
  Ellen: So he cussed me out and hung up.
• 2:50
  Christie: Aw, man.
• 2:51
  Ellen: Oh my.
• 2:51
  Ellen: Wow.
• 2:51
  Ellen: I went into the manager's office and I'm saying this so everybody knows.
• 2:55
  Ellen: And the bank manager said, So common right now.
• 2:57
  Ellen: After Covid, people sat at home honing their criminal skills.
• 3:01
  Ellen: Mm.
• 3:01
  Ellen: Wow.
• 3:02
  Ellen: And he said, We can't even keep up with all the scams that are going out out there.
• 3:06
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 3:06
  Ellen: I mean the site looked legitimate and everything was on it.
• 3:09
  Ellen: Wow.
• 3:09
  Ellen: No.
• 3:10
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 3:10
  Ellen: So I learned a.
• 3:12
  Ellen: From that So I felt really doubly dumb, but obvious.
• 3:15
  Ellen: So, you know, we didn't lose anything other than my time and my day and mm-hmm.
• 3:20
  Ellen: you know, My, um, blood pressure
• 3:26
  Christie: You know, we were just recently hacked by, uh, the pay at the pump at the gas station.
• 3:31
  Christie: Oh yeah.
• 3:31
  Christie: That's
• 3:31
  Danae: happening a lot too.
• 3:32
  Danae: It's so frustrating.
• 3:33
  Danae: My daughter that
• 3:34
  Christie: happened to her recently.
• 3:35
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:35
  Christie: And now I just get mad every time I have to get gas.
• 3:38
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:38
  Christie: Cause I don't wanna have to go inside I know.
• 3:40
  Christie: But I do now.
• 3:41
  Christie: It's unfortunate you can't trust anything.
• 3:43
  Christie: Yeah,
• 3:44
  Ellen: right.
• 3:44
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 3:45
  Christie: Yes.
• 3:48
  Cheryl: Well, on a brighter note, last time we talked about introversion and extroversion mm-hmm.
• 3:54
  Cheryl: And so to kind of catch everybody up, we said those can tend to be, um, Pigeon holes where we box somebody in and say, Well, you're an extrovert, right?
• 4:05
  Cheryl: You're an introvert.
• 4:07
  Cheryl: We talked about how it's the way God created us.
• 4:12
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:12
  Cheryl: that we tend to either pull energy from outside of us mm-hmm.
• 4:17
  Cheryl: or pull energy from inside of us.
• 4:19
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:19
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:20
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:21
  Cheryl: But those are long explanations and I can't think of a succinct way to say it.
• 4:26
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:26
  Cheryl: So we'll say introvert to extrovert.
• 4:28
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:28
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:29
  Cheryl: But we're not trying to put anybody in a
• 4:31
  Christie: box because it's a spectrum oftentimes.
• 4:34
  Cheryl: So today I thought it would be good.
• 4:37
  Cheryl: Let's look at nurturing our extroverted children.
• 4:40
  Cheryl: Yeah, I think that's a good idea.
• 4:42
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:42
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:43
  Ellen: I know as an extrovert kid, it was always really hard because everybody was telling me to, you know, sit down, be quiet, all that.
• 4:51
  Ellen: You talk too much.
• 4:51
  Ellen: Yeah, you're talking too much.
• 4:53
  Ellen: You're interrupting.
• 4:54
  Ellen: You're trying to be the center of attention.
• 4:56
  Ellen: I was
• 4:56
  Danae: always the loudest.
• 4:57
  Danae: I think I talked
• 4:58
  Ellen: about that last time.
• 4:59
  Ellen: Yes.
• 4:59
  Ellen: Usually people knew I was coming mouth first.
• 5:04
  Christie: they hear you before they see you.
• 5:05
  Christie: Yes.
• 5:06
  Ellen: So,
• 5:07
  Cheryl: you know.
• 5:07
  Ellen: Well, we had introverts and extroverts.
• 5:09
  Ellen: I always remember this one conversation where the, um, My, myself and one of my extroverted daughters were sitting together and my introverted daughter said something about, you know, her friends were asking her to come play or do something, and she said no.
• 5:24
  Ellen: And we were like in utter shock trying to convince her that she wanted to play with her friends And she really didn't.
• 5:31
  Ellen: And I mean, by that time I understood, well, yeah, she is really introvert.
• 5:34
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 5:35
  Ellen: And she basically said, I've used all my people energy up today, And of course my.
• 5:40
  Ellen: Extrovert.
• 5:41
  Ellen: Her daughter and I are like, What does that mean?
• 5:43
  Ellen: So it was just kind of a funny way of seeing it.
• 5:46
  Ellen: But she was done with people and we were like shocked you know, cuz I had an open house.
• 5:51
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 5:52
  Ellen: you could have as many people over as you, you know, could bring over.
• 5:54
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 5:54
  Ellen: I didn't care.
• 5:54
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 5:55
  Ellen: Mm-hmm It was fun to me to have all your friends at the house.
• 5:58
  Ellen: Because you
• 5:58
  Cheryl: gathered energy from them.
• 5:59
  Cheryl: Oh
• 5:59
  Ellen: yeah.
• 6:00
  Ellen: I'd go, I mean, I wouldn't hang out with them, but I'd go in and say hi and mm-hmm.
• 6:03
  Ellen: make'em feel at home and then they could do their thing.
• 6:05
  Ellen: But I loved having kids coming and going.
• 6:08
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 6:08
  Ellen: My oldest son James, is, is a really strong extrovert.
• 6:11
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 6:12
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 6:12
  Ellen: And, um, at the time we were living in base housing, so we had lots of kids always around, and for some reason he wasn't allowed to go out to play for some reason.
• 6:20
  Ellen: I don't remember.
• 6:21
  Ellen: It doesn't matter.
• 6:21
  Ellen: So he was standing on the second floor in his bedroom and the window and his friends had gathered.
• 6:27
  Ellen: So how old is he?
• 6:27
  Ellen: He's like four.
• 6:29
  Ellen: Okay.
• 6:29
  Ellen: You know?
• 6:30
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 6:30
  Ellen: So that his friends had gathered below and were shouting at him, come out.
• 6:33
  Ellen: I'm like, Can you come out?
• 6:34
  Ellen: Can you come out?
• 6:35
  Ellen: And he turns to me and he says to me, Mom, millions of people are asking me to go thousands of places.
• 6:44
  Danae: Aww.
• 6:47
  Cheryl: That is the heart and soul of a true
• 6:50
  Ellen: ordinary, millions of millions of people.
• 6:52
  Ellen: It's
• 6:53
  Christie: my.
• 6:57
  Cheryl: I mean, that's the strength.
• 6:58
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:59
  Cheryl: that's what we want to channel.
• 7:00
  Cheryl: The beautiful way that we are created, there are strengths and weaknesses.
• 7:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:05
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 7:05
  Cheryl: And right.
• 7:06
  Cheryl: So listeners, what we want to do is kind of process this a little bit with you.
• 7:11
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:12
  Cheryl: and then talk about how can we nurture.
• 7:14
  Cheryl: That extroverted child.
• 7:16
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:16
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 7:16
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:17
  Cheryl: So let's start out with the strengths Yeah.
• 7:19
  Cheryl: Of an extrovert.
• 7:20
  Cheryl: What would y'all say are some strengths that you see in extroverted people?
• 7:25
  Christie: Well, they're usually friendly.
• 7:26
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 7:27
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 7:27
  Christie: outgoing.
• 7:28
  Ellen: They genuinely like people.
• 7:29
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 7:30
  Ellen: fun to be
• 7:31
  Danae: around.
• 7:31
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 7:32
  Danae: Enjoy being in social situations and work as a team.
• 7:36
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:37
  Cheryl: they're usually good with their verbal skills, you know?
• 7:39
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:39
  Cheryl: I think like what you're saying here, you said working with teams.
• 7:42
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:43
  Cheryl: if you think about a lot of even job applications, these are the kind of words that come up on top.
• 7:49
  Cheryl: You know that you're a good verbal communicator.
• 7:51
  Cheryl: You work well with others.
• 7:52
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:53
  Cheryl: strong leader, strong leader, all of that sort of stuff.
• 7:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:57
  Cheryl: it really does, um, describe.
• 7:59
  Cheryl: The children that talk too much And as
• 8:01
  Ellen: my husband says, you'll always do the things that I don't have enough nerve to do
• 8:07
  Cheryl: So, you know, because they tend to be risk
• 8:09
  Ellen: takers
• 8:10
  Danae: and bold like that.
• 8:11
  Ellen: Exactly.
• 8:12
  Cheryl: So see, all this is very, very positive.
• 8:14
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:15
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 8:15
  Cheryl: And if we could.
• 8:16
  Cheryl: Kind of tap into the weaknesses.
• 8:19
  Cheryl: What are the weaknesses of an extrovert?
• 8:21
  Cheryl: They talk to you much
• 8:23
  Danae: talk without thinking.
• 8:25
  Danae: Yeah, yeah.
• 8:25
  Danae: That's okay.
• 8:26
  Danae: Out loud processors.
• 8:28
  Danae: I still will say, Oh, my mouth just started talking before my brain caught up and I start over.
• 8:34
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 8:35
  Cheryl: So that's what I want us to look at, because I'm like you, Ellen.
• 8:40
  Cheryl: I got such negative feedback.
• 8:42
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:43
  Cheryl: about it.
• 8:44
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:44
  Cheryl: It really affected me Mm-hmm.
• 8:46
  Cheryl: where, you know, I, I'd spoken previously, I wanted to be someone else.
• 8:50
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:51
  Cheryl: Instead of becoming the best version of me mm-hmm.
• 8:54
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:54
  Christie: Ouch.
• 8:55
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:55
  Christie: That is so hard I think that's why it's good that we're talking about this nurturing of both types because you know, I, I think I said last time, I do fall right in the middle and so some of that squelching I.
• 9:08
  Christie: Responded to and have leaned more to my introverted self mm-hmm.
• 9:13
  Christie: because of the feedback I got that wasn't so positive early on.
• 9:17
  Christie: Yeah.
• 9:17
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 9:18
  Christie: And so I think celebrating the strengths can help empower and validate those things in our kids without them, you know, shrinking back or leaving the function, feeling regret for what they said or did.
• 9:32
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:33
  Cheryl: We already alluded to it, but personally, I think a mistake with an extroverted child is to just correct behavior.
• 9:42
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 9:42
  Cheryl: Right.
• 9:42
  Cheryl: I mean, which I said, sit down, don't talk so much, you're too loud.
• 9:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:47
  Cheryl: you know, just the correction.
• 9:49
  Cheryl: Even in school.
• 9:50
  Cheryl: Okay, now you have to sit out in the hall.
• 9:52
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:52
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:53
  Cheryl: Well,
• 9:53
  Christie: Oh, I know.
• 9:53
  Christie: I did that especially when it's inconvenient for the parent or teachers.
• 9:58
  Christie: True.
• 9:58
  Christie: I had the downfall of sometimes relying on my extroverted kids too much, taking advantage of their leadership skills.
• 10:05
  Christie: You know, I was guilty of putting extra responsibility on my more extroverted child than maybe necessary?
• 10:12
  Christie: oh yeah.
• 10:14
  Christie: Um, it's very easy to put extra responsibility on their shoulders because they are willing usually to step up to the plate, but almost to a fault.
• 10:23
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 10:23
  Christie: You can really count on them.
• 10:25
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 10:25
  Christie: to.
• 10:26
  Christie: Put the other kids in line.
• 10:27
  Christie: Right.
• 10:28
  Christie: But then they take on responsibilities that are not theirs.
• 10:31
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 10:31
  Ellen: Okay.
• 10:31
  Ellen: I remember the introverted.
• 10:34
  Ellen: Kids in the family.
• 10:35
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 10:35
  Ellen: would send the extroverted daughter to be the messenger, whether it was to me, because they were like, Mom's probably gonna say no.
• 10:42
  Ellen: You go ask.
• 10:43
  Ellen: Right, right.
• 10:44
  Ellen: You're a better persuade or you know, you go up and pay for the candy uhhuh or whatever.
• 10:48
  Cheryl: It's, here we are at our TPP counseling session, when you said that, I remembered, when I was just in fourth grade and we had just moved, so we hadn't lived.
• 11:01
  Cheryl: weeks, and there was a VBS at church, and my little sister was very, very shy and she loved to hide behind her extrovert, a big sister.
• 11:10
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 11:11
  Cheryl: And so I took care of all the time.
• 11:12
  Cheryl: But I remember at VBS, they would come and say, Your sister's just crying and very upset.
• 11:19
  Cheryl: And I'm a fourth grader, and they would call me out to go work with my sister and then she would settle down.
• 11:25
  Cheryl: And so I remember they kept coming and getting me.
• 11:28
  Cheryl: They didn't call my mom.
• 11:29
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:29
  Cheryl: And so I had that huge burden of responsibility and I didn't know what to do.
• 11:35
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:35
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:35
  Cheryl: But it was because I was the extrovert and they figured you could just carry the
• 11:39
  Christie: weight.
• 11:40
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:40
  Christie: I saw a meme the other day that said, um, daughters who were told they were mature for their age or in counseling now, Oh yeah, definitely.
• 11:48
  Christie: It's like, I feel that in the deepest parts of my core
• 11:51
  Cheryl: Yes, Yes.
• 11:53
  Cheryl: All right, so if we don't wanna just do the correction mm-hmm.
• 11:56
  Cheryl: but we want to bring understanding.
• 11:58
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:58
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:59
  Cheryl: this Doesn't mean always affirming and saying there's not anything wrong, but so what would you do?
• 12:04
  Cheryl: So if we want to nurture this wonderful ball of energy that we have as children mm-hmm.
• 12:11
  Cheryl: what are some of the steps?
• 12:12
  Cheryl: What are the things you would bring to it?
• 12:13
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 12:14
  Cheryl: to begin to help them understand them.
• 12:17
  Cheryl: And using their strengths, but supporting them and their weakness.
• 12:22
  Cheryl: Yeah,
• 12:22
  Danae: I mean, I experience a lot of what you all have been sharing and then also I think about my children that are extroverts.
• 12:30
  Danae: Extroverts tend to lead a lot of time to process out loud.
• 12:34
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 12:34
  Danae: Yeah.
• 12:34
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 12:35
  Danae: you know, so I would say to nurture would be.
• 12:38
  Danae: Listen.
• 12:39
  Danae: Yeah, I agree.
• 12:40
  Danae: You know, to really listen to them.
• 12:42
  Danae: What is it that they're needing to say and to be affirmed about.
• 12:46
  Danae: Yeah.
• 12:47
  Danae: Just to talk through, You know, they're not just trying to be annoying mm-hmm.
• 12:52
  Danae: they really do need other people in their lives
• 12:55
  Ellen: to, to help
• 12:56
  Cheryl: them.
• 12:57
  Cheryl: Right.
• 12:57
  Cheryl: Without the here you are talking again.
• 12:59
  Cheryl: See.
• 12:59
  Cheryl: Oh yeah.
• 13:00
  Cheryl: That we're affirming them, but we've got to channel it.
• 13:03
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:04
  Cheryl: How I wish I had been channeled mm-hmm.
• 13:07
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:08
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 13:08
  Cheryl: being an extrovert I have a larger emotional bandwidth for more input than someone who doesn't have that
• 13:15
  Ellen: right.
• 13:15
  Cheryl: We had some very strong extroverts in our family mm-hmm and one of the things I finally did and it really turned out to be helpful.
• 13:25
  Cheryl: Maybe I'm busy with something else, or I'm doing something or helping another child or cooking dinner.
• 13:29
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:30
  Cheryl: and they wanna come and talk.
• 13:31
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:32
  Cheryl: and instead of just dismissing them mm-hmm.
• 13:34
  Cheryl: or not listening, what you're talking about, I learned to Turn to them instead of talking at them.
• 13:41
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:41
  Cheryl: look at their eyes, turn and look at their eyes and say, I really care about what you're saying.
• 13:45
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:45
  Cheryl: you are so important to me.
• 13:47
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:47
  Cheryl: but I can't listen right now.
• 13:49
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 13:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:50
  Cheryl: And so then I would say when I'm finished with this mm-hmm.
• 13:53
  Cheryl: or at four o'clock or I actually
• 13:56
  Ellen: follow through
• 13:57
  Cheryl: and then follow through with it Mm-hmm.
• 13:59
  Cheryl: because I said, not.
• 14:01
  Cheryl: rather than, No.
• 14:02
  Cheryl: I would come back.
• 14:02
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:03
  Cheryl: even when they had forgotten it.
• 14:04
  Cheryl: through this, they begin to trust me
• 14:08
  Christie: Oh, I can see that.
• 14:09
  Cheryl: a lot of time as an extra nurse.
• 14:10
  Cheryl: I was gonna say they
• 14:11
  Ellen: forgotten.
• 14:11
  Ellen: They wanted to ask you or tell you, but they don't
• 14:14
  Danae: forget that you care about them.
• 14:15
  Ellen: Yes.
• 14:16
  Ellen: That you made the point of coming over.
• 14:18
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 14:18
  Ellen: and saying, Okay, what'd you wanna talk about?
• 14:20
  Ellen: I
• 14:20
  Cheryl: mean Yeah.
• 14:20
  Cheryl: Can you imagine, Ellen cuz then you've talked about your family, were all introverts and they just shut you down.
• 14:26
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:27
  Cheryl: Imagine the differe.
• 14:28
  Cheryl: If you had one of your parents come and say, Okay, Ellen, I wanna sit and hear what you have to say.
• 14:34
  Cheryl: Right.
• 14:34
  Ellen: And I was fortunate because even though my parents didn't do it, the teachers liked me from sixth grade on being extrovert was a really positive.
• 14:44
  Ellen: Thing.
• 14:44
  Ellen: So I was always friendly with most of the teachers.
• 14:47
  Ellen: I'd stay after school and talk to them.
• 14:49
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 14:49
  Ellen: And they all really liked me and enjoy me.
• 14:51
  Ellen: And I can remember parent teacher conference when they'd say, Ellen's such a delight.
• 14:56
  Ellen: And my family would just look at the teacher like, Who are you talking about?
• 15:02
  Cheryl: You know.
• 15:02
  Cheryl: But I think though, when hearing you process this and knowing you, well, I think that God really used that Mm-hmm.
• 15:11
  Cheryl: For your health and growth because it's unfortunate your family didn't understand it.
• 15:16
  Cheryl: Right.
• 15:16
  Cheryl: But look at these wonderful people Yes.
• 15:18
  Cheryl: That he put in your life.
• 15:20
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 15:20
  Cheryl: To love you and develop you in this area.
• 15:22
  Cheryl: So I never
• 15:23
  Ellen: felt bad outside of my home for being an extrovert.
• 15:27
  Ellen: I was always rewarded for that.
• 15:28
  Ellen: Mm.
• 15:29
  Ellen: So it wound up being a positive thing.
• 15:31
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 15:31
  Ellen: of course, if you're a friend of an extrovert, you, but you go do this, Let's go.
• 15:35
  Ellen: You know, they always want, you know, they always want your help.
• 15:38
  Ellen: So you feel value.
• 15:40
  Ellen: Yeah, but I did talk too much.
• 15:44
  Christie: And I think that's something we can do.
• 15:45
  Christie: I mean, that was done kind of naturally for you with your teachers, but we can do as parents, if we see, Yes, one of our kids has those needs, we can look for activities or things that they can be involved in, where they can get that outlet.
• 15:58
  Christie: Especially if everyone at home is more introverted than they are.
• 16:01
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:01
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:01
  Christie: You know, my, one of my daughters, she was in voice lessons.
• 16:04
  Christie: She liked to sing and you know, that's a solo.
• 16:07
  Christie: Experience.
• 16:08
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 16:08
  Christie: being in the classroom with one you know, the instructor, but then she would be involved in a youth band or dance class.
• 16:16
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 16:16
  Christie: you know, other places where she could really get that need and it was.
• 16:21
  Christie: Coupling her interest and her extroverted needs.
• 16:23
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 16:23
  Cheryl: So you're channeling it right and redirecting it.
• 16:26
  Cheryl: Right.
• 16:26
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 16:26
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:27
  Cheryl: I just
• 16:27
  Ellen: found friends like puppies along the way and and like years ago.
• 16:32
  Ellen: Who's this?
• 16:32
  Ellen: I dunno.
• 16:33
  Ellen: I just met them when we were walking home
• 16:35
  Christie: from school.
• 16:36
  Christie: You know?
• 16:37
  Cheryl: That's a see the street for the next That's right.
• 16:40
  Cheryl: You had energy to do it.
• 16:42
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:42
  Danae: Yeah.
• 16:42
  Danae: And that's what I was thinking another.
• 16:46
  Danae: Positive with an extrovert that can also can be seen as a negative as, I think extroverts tend to have a lot of energy.
• 16:55
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 16:56
  Danae: they run really high, maybe talk fast and, and so I think a way that as a parents we can help them is.
• 17:04
  Danae: When we're listening, you know, is to just help them slow down a little bit.
• 17:09
  Danae: Oh, that's so Cheryl, I think like you saying, Hey, I want to hear you, and for me, that helps me just take a big deep breath.
• 17:16
  Danae: Like, Oh, this person's gonna give me space.
• 17:19
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 17:20
  Danae: you know, I, I wonder if a lot of that energy and and out loud processing in that realm is, I'm just afraid you're not gonna listen to me.
• 17:29
  Danae: Yes.
• 17:29
  Danae: And so I've gotta talk really fast enough.
• 17:30
  Danae: I've gotta talk really loud mm-hmm.
• 17:32
  Danae: Before
• 17:32
  Cheryl: you shut me down, right?
• 17:33
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:33
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:34
  Cheryl: think of like a border collie.
• 17:35
  Cheryl: they are the smartest dogs.
• 17:37
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:38
  Cheryl: you got a lot of energy.
• 17:39
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:40
  Cheryl: And if you don't direct that energy, they just become destructive, dogs.
• 17:44
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:45
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:45
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:45
  Cheryl: What you're saying here to say words of affirmation rather than the rejection words.
• 17:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:50
  Cheryl: Yeah, like, you know, you're talking about, redirecting.
• 17:54
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 17:55
  Christie: I think one way we can do that is to initiate time with our extroverts and ask them, be proactive before they're coming to us.
• 18:03
  Christie: Very good.
• 18:03
  Christie: Come to them and ask more about something.
• 18:06
  Christie: And one of mine I've noticed, she really lights up if I don't stop her.
• 18:11
  Christie: You know, or don't quit the conversation when I think she's done, but just ask for a little more than what she was wanting to give.
• 18:17
  Christie: I love that because she's like, Oh, I wasn't too much.
• 18:19
  Christie: She wants more of
• 18:21
  Danae: that.
• 18:22
  Danae: I'm glad you said that phrase, because I would say that is definitely what the extroverted is carrying around.
• 18:27
  Danae: Yeah.
• 18:27
  Danae: I am too much for everyone.
• 18:31
  Danae: Right?
• 18:31
  Danae: Yeah.
• 18:31
  Danae: Yeah.
• 18:32
  Danae: Cause that's all,
• 18:32
  Christie: all she hears.
• 18:33
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 18:33
  Christie: you know, she hears that over and over again.
• 18:35
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:36
  Cheryl: And I'm having compassion for it.
• 18:38
  Cheryl: But number one, I experienced it, but also because of the way an extrovert presents themselves.
• 18:44
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:44
  Cheryl: people don't know this.
• 18:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:46
  Cheryl: that they're having this rejection Mm-hmm.
• 18:49
  Cheryl: or self doubt or what?
• 18:49
  Cheryl: Self doubt.
• 18:50
  Ellen: All of it.
• 18:51
  Ellen: And I think to
• 18:51
  Danae: look at it like this, this is a need.
• 18:54
  Danae: How extroverts are created, and we'll talk about introverts more next time is extroverts need connection.
• 19:01
  Danae: Yeah.
• 19:02
  Danae: They need.
• 19:03
  Danae: Out loud processing.
• 19:04
  Danae: They need to be with people.
• 19:07
  Danae: So instead of looking at as a negative, you know, our children, they're immature.
• 19:12
  Danae: Yeah.
• 19:12
  Danae: And they're needing to develop how to be in the world.
• 19:16
  Danae: Yes.
• 19:16
  Danae: How to get their needs met, and then also how to love on others.
• 19:21
  Ellen: Well, yeah.
• 19:23
  Ellen: That's
• 19:23
  Cheryl: really good.
• 19:24
  Cheryl: I It is.
• 19:24
  Cheryl: You know, that that might be the very positive.
• 19:28
  Cheryl: if you have that emotional bridge built mm-hmm.
• 19:30
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:30
  Cheryl: To approach it to saying, I love how you want to connect with others, right?
• 19:37
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:37
  Cheryl: what a gift you have.
• 19:38
  Cheryl: Oh, yeah.
• 19:39
  Cheryl: And then you're coming in positive like that.
• 19:42
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:42
  Cheryl: yeah.
• 19:42
  Christie: Yeah.
• 19:42
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 19:43
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 19:43
  Christie: And I think the more we validate that in our kids, the more voice we have to say, Okay, but here's some of those weaknesses and I know that you sometimes feel uncomfortable in the situation.
• 19:55
  Christie: Let me help you to regulate a little bit and be sensitive to other people.
• 19:59
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:00
  Cheryl: I like the word regulate.
• 20:01
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:01
  Ellen: Okay.
• 20:02
  Ellen: That's a really good one.
• 20:02
  Ellen: And I'm thinking the.
• 20:04
  Danae: Of people like what that story is reminding me of is it's not the parents' job to fulfill the need of the millions of people going to the thousands of places, you know, So we're not.
• 20:19
  Danae: Saying to each other or to the parents that are listening, is your job to fulfill all of your extroverted children's
• 20:27
  Cheryl: needs.
• 20:28
  Cheryl: Right?
• 20:28
  Cheryl: Right.
• 20:29
  Cheryl: But we want to feed into their heart and have that security.
• 20:32
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:33
  Cheryl: and of course that made
• 20:34
  Ellen: him feel good, you know, even though he didn't get to go out and play in that moment, but his friends were all wanting him.
• 20:40
  Ellen: And for an extrovert, that's a really
• 20:42
  Christie: important thing.
• 20:42
  Christie: But in that moment, there was a superior need that was being met for whatever the reason he
• 20:46
  Cheryl: typically was.
• 20:47
  Cheryl: Let's see, Ellen, I think you tapped.
• 20:49
  Cheryl: Because he felt needed and wanted.
• 20:51
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 20:52
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:52
  Cheryl: and that's what we want for our children.
• 20:54
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 20:54
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:54
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 20:55
  Cheryl: Let's get a little practical, a little more.
• 20:56
  Cheryl: Do y'all have some suggestions?
• 20:58
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:58
  Cheryl: about ways that they feel wanted and needed, and how could we help them engage with others, and direct that energy, ideas.
• 21:08
  Danae: Well, I like how Christie said she helped her daughter identify some places that she could use the interests that she had, but do them in more of a social setting.
• 21:18
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 21:18
  Danae: And not just do it alone.
• 21:20
  Danae: Yeah.
• 21:20
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 21:20
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 21:21
  Christie: Well, I think one big thing that extroverts struggle with is contentment in the moment of where they're at.
• 21:28
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 21:28
  Christie: Because they're just so excited to do the next thing and go and see the people.
• 21:33
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 21:33
  Christie: there are millions of places and I
• 21:36
  Ellen: say my one time, one of my daughters, we had just returned from a week at Disneyland.
• 21:42
  Ellen: Day she's flopping on her bed.
• 21:44
  Ellen: And I'm like, What's the matter?
• 21:44
  Ellen: She goes, We never do any of fun.
• 21:47
  Christie: Oh my goodness.
• 21:48
  Christie: And I
• 21:48
  Ellen: just looked at it and I go, We just get back from Disneyland.
• 21:50
  Ellen: Yes.
• 21:51
  Ellen: And she goes,
• 21:51
  Christie: Oh, Right.
• 21:53
  Christie: I forgot about that.
• 21:53
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:54
  Christie: That discontent feeling of I have to do the exciting things all the time.
• 21:59
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 21:59
  Christie: teaching them to celebrate this moment.
• 22:02
  Christie: What?
• 22:02
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 22:02
  Christie: what?
• 22:02
  Christie: Where can I find joy?
• 22:04
  Christie: Moment.
• 22:04
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:04
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 22:05
  Christie: and still looking forward to later down the road, right?
• 22:07
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:07
  Christie: You know, tomorrow we're going to get to do these things.
• 22:10
  Christie: Or yesterday we did these things, but today is an at home day or, and
• 22:15
  Ellen: teaching an extrovert how to develop quiet things that they like to do that they're interested in.
• 22:21
  Ellen: Mm.
• 22:21
  Ellen: And that it's okay to do that.
• 22:22
  Ellen: Right.
• 22:23
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 22:23
  Ellen: For me, as an extrovert, I enjoyed reading.
• 22:25
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 22:25
  Ellen: so that always worked out really well.
• 22:27
  Ellen: I could just go in my room and read, I'd finish a book as an extrovert.
• 22:30
  Ellen: I mean, I got the whole thing finished, but that was an important thing that helped me
• 22:34
  Cheryl: to relax.
• 22:35
  Cheryl: These are so good because what you're talking about is teaching delayed gratification.
• 22:39
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 22:40
  Cheryl: And stretching their attention span.
• 22:43
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 22:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 22:44
  Cheryl: with things that aren't quite so stimulating.
• 22:47
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 22:47
  Cheryl: And learning to be satisfied with that.
• 22:49
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 22:50
  Cheryl: Extroverts.
• 22:52
  Danae: Outward to get their needs met.
• 22:55
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 22:55
  Danae: And so I was talking about what do they need That is a need.
• 22:58
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 22:58
  Danae: But really my growth, and I'm still growing this as an extrovert, is that I need to be able to be content with my.
• 23:07
  Danae: Self.
• 23:07
  Danae: Yeah.
• 23:08
  Danae: To get to know myself and to be able to meet my needs in alone and quiet time now I still get a lot more energy being with others.
• 23:16
  Danae: Yeah.
• 23:17
  Danae: But, um, really, you know, spending time with myself is just such a valuable gift
• 23:22
  Ellen: to teach our children.
• 23:24
  Ellen: And you brought up contentment cuz I think that goes hand in hand with that.
• 23:27
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 23:27
  Ellen: going, Okay, I'm not doing anything today.
• 23:29
  Ellen: I'll be
• 23:30
  Cheryl: content.
• 23:30
  Cheryl: Right.
• 23:30
  Ellen: But also, you know, tagging onto that, don't overschedule your extrovert because they will have you do that.
• 23:36
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 23:36
  Ellen: an extrovert who wants to be involved in everything, go to every meeting, go to every party.
• 23:41
  Ellen: So teaching them how to self-regulate that.
• 23:44
  Ellen: You can't go to everything right?
• 23:46
  Ellen: So pick your top two that you wanna.
• 23:48
  Ellen: Week.
• 23:49
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 23:49
  Ellen: But that's a good life skill.
• 23:50
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 23:51
  Ellen: because I have to do that.
• 23:52
  Ellen: I go, Oh man, look at all the neat things that are happening this week.
• 23:54
  Ellen: Well, I only have time for two.
• 23:56
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 23:57
  Ellen: Well,
• 23:57
  Christie: and I think sometimes they appreciate the permission Yeah.
• 24:00
  Christie: To rest, even if they, you know, different ages might not be able to articulate that.
• 24:04
  Christie: Yes.
• 24:05
  Christie: But like your son, he felt an obligation to his mom, you know?
• 24:09
  Christie: Yes.
• 24:09
  Christie: But he may have appreciated.
• 24:12
  Christie: Af maybe in hindsight appreciate the permission to take a little break,
• 24:17
  Cheryl: but also in doing that, we're helping them develop the internal parts.
• 24:22
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 24:22
  Cheryl: and the more, the quieter parts.
• 24:24
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 24:25
  Cheryl: That an extrovert may not be self-aware enough to know they need to develop them.
• 24:29
  Cheryl: Right.
• 24:30
  Christie: Well, and that contentment grows into a place of being secure in yourself.
• 24:35
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 24:35
  Christie: that you can put others first.
• 24:37
  Christie: Yes.
• 24:37
  Christie: Because you're not grasping in need all of the time.
• 24:40
  Christie: And so I think teaching our kids that are extroverted to actually listen.
• 24:45
  Christie: And engage with other people and, and hear what they're saying.
• 24:50
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 24:50
  Christie: as hard as it can be to hold your tongue and hold your words back in the conversation, but to really care about this person, we want to listen to them.
• 24:59
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 25:00
  Christie: you know, you can say, you know how good it feels for you whenever you're sharing and I'm listening to you and asking questions.
• 25:07
  Christie: Yeah.
• 25:07
  Christie: Don't you wanna show that same love to another person mm-hmm.
• 25:10
  Christie: and,
• 25:11
  Cheryl: Oh, that's good.
• 25:12
  Cheryl: and connect that back to what we were saying.
• 25:15
  Cheryl: They have this gift of connecting to others.
• 25:17
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:18
  Cheryl: and helping them see that being an active listener can use that strength so well.
• 25:24
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:24
  Cheryl: That they have the strength to gift that to all these people.
• 25:27
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:27
  Cheryl: well it for thousands
• 25:28
  Danae: of the millions of people
• 25:30
  Christie: well, it really is because, like Ellen, you've said that you've had people say how much they appreciate you seeking them out at a party if they're more quiet.
• 25:37
  Christie: Yeah.
• 25:37
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 25:38
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 25:38
  Christie: and that, that, does give a little bit of a security blanket to an introvert.
• 25:42
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 25:42
  Christie: to have an extrovert come and be a friend to them.
• 25:44
  Christie: Yeah.
• 25:44
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 25:45
  Christie: and so it
• 25:45
  Ellen: is a gift.
• 25:45
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 25:46
  Ellen: Mm-hmm And sometimes as the extrovert you might feel like, Oh, I'm dominating.
• 25:49
  Ellen: But usually I've found from experience introverts No, thank you cuz I only had to answer two questions and you did the rest of the talking.
• 25:57
  Ellen: Right.
• 25:57
  Ellen: So,
• 25:59
  Danae: Yeah, but that's a skill.
• 26:00
  Danae: We can definitely teach our children, we can practice with them.
• 26:05
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 26:05
  Danae: you know, um, and we can do it as a family.
• 26:08
  Danae: We can say, Hey, let's practice active listening, um, with each other and you talk and then I'll talk and then you talk, Which won't be good for introverts also to have that skill.
• 26:20
  Ellen: Yeah, cuz for the extrovert is to be quiet and the introvert is to speak up.
• 26:25
  Ellen: And I was also thinking, and my parents would always say this to me, but I eventually learned to do it, you know, think before you talk because I would just blurt out whatever came in my head and I learned as I grew up, that was more helpful.
• 26:40
  Ellen: I mean, it took me a long time in adulthood.
• 26:42
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 26:42
  Ellen: to actually, you know, after I hurt people's feelings or you know, said something I wish I hadn't said.
• 26:48
  Ellen: Cuz you can't put the toothpaste back in as the saying goes.
• 26:52
  Ellen: And, um, I think that's really good, that's kind of under like teaching your children to practice.
• 26:58
  Ellen: What they're gonna talk about and at what level, cuz that's how you learn.
• 27:02
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 27:03
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 27:03
  Ellen: Right.
• 27:04
  Cheryl: Well, in wrapping this up, mm-hmm.
• 27:06
  Cheryl: I love the positive spin and the helpfulness of what we've talked about.
• 27:12
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 27:12
  Cheryl: To nurture and redirect this wonderful passion, excitement.
• 27:18
  Cheryl: And noise that we have with our extroverted children.
• 27:22
  Ellen: Right.
• 27:22
  Cheryl: And
• 27:23
  Danae: yeah, I think I, I hear that we're talking about two parts.
• 27:27
  Danae: One is really helping our children.
• 27:32
  Danae: You know, know what they are needing mm-hmm.
• 27:35
  Danae: and how to help them get that, okay, you're needing to be with people, you're needing to have your voice heard, to feel accepted, part of a group.
• 27:44
  Danae: How can we help you do that?
• 27:46
  Danae: And then on the other side of that is, let's love others well and how do we love others?
• 27:52
  Danae: Well, that, that's with active listening.
• 27:54
  Danae: That's thinking of.
• 27:57
  Danae: The other person is needing above what you are needing.
• 28:00
  Danae: So it hits both of those values.
• 28:01
  Christie: I love that.
• 28:02
  Christie: Yeah.
• 28:02
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 28:03
  Cheryl: So good stuff.
• 28:04
  Cheryl: So parents, whatever the mix in your family and whatever you have, um, whether you have one of these wonderful bubbling energy filled extroverts or not remember, hang in.
• 28:18
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it