Latest / You Didn't Ask For This / 67 | Blundering to Success

Transcript

67 | Blundering to Success · You Didn't Ask For This

• 0:00
  Matt: Oh Eric.
• 0:02
  Matt: Oh Eric.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: Matt Mat Matthew.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: It happened.
• 0:05
  Matt: Oh, six feet, please?
• 0:06
  Matt: Six feet happened, Eric.
• 0:08
  Matt: Oh listeners, Eric, it happened.
• 0:12
  Matt: Yeah.
• 0:13
  Matt: I got it, Eric.
• 0:15
  Matt: Yeah.
• 0:17
  Matt: Three years.
• 0:19
  Matt: Four months.
• 0:21
  Matt: And seven days since the first recorded case of COVID nineteen.
• 0:28
  Matt: Lindsay and I free from it.
• 0:32
  Matt: Free.
• 0:33
  Matt: We've been removed from the illness, the common folk going down left, right, and center.
• 0:39
  Matt: You probably three, four times alone.
• 0:44
  Eric: And now it's time to enter your initials.
• 0:48
  Eric: That's your score.
• 0:51
  Matt: And now I got it, Eric.
• 0:53
  Matt: I got it, listeners.
• 0:54
  Matt: So I have to apologize if I sound a little uh not great by the end of the episode.
• 1:01
  Matt: If I cough a big old watt of mucus directly onto this microphone and into your ears.
• 1:08
  Matt: Because I got COVID.
• 1:10
  Matt: Although I'm already technically on the upswing.
• 1:13
  Matt: Me and Dr.
• 1:14
  Matt: Barr were negative.
• 1:16
  Matt: I mean, both uh in test result and personality.
• 1:19
  Matt: Trevor Burrus, Jr.
• 1:20
  Matt: Yeah, Dr.
• 1:20
  Matt: and Mr.
• 1:21
  Eric: Lindsay Barr, we're both negative.
• 1:22
  Matt: We're both negative, but um yeah, I just wanted to address it right up top, you know, in case I in case it comes through, in case I lose my voice by the end of this thing.
• 1:32
  Matt: Thank you, Matt.
• 1:32
  Matt: That's very you're you're doing very good.
• 1:34
  Eric: I'm very proud of you right now.
• 1:36
  Matt: You know, my my my mind is right.
• 1:38
  Eric: You know, I'm still still sharp as a tack.
• 1:41
  Matt: Still sharp as a tag up upstairs.
• 1:43
  Eric: Well, I still have my my brains and my my cognition.
• 1:48
  Matt: But I Oh, I still got a couple of my okay.
• 1:50
  Matt: It might be you know, I might be rough on the voice work.
• 1:53
  Eric: Oh, yeah.
• 1:54
  Eric: Here, sir, let me let me get you across this street.
• 1:57
  Eric: Come on.
• 1:57
  Matt: Yeah, can you do a can you do a voice of a couple of marbles?
• 2:01
  Matt: I got a couple marbles around here.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah.
• 2:04
  Matt: You be my you be my characters.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: I see ya.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: Marble's still rattling around in my jaw.
• 2:11
  Matt: Yeah, but like a little higher pitch.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: Marble's still rattling around in my jaw.
• 2:16
  Matt: There you go.
• 2:17
  Matt: That's good.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:18
  Matt: That's good.
• 2:19
  Matt: Just how I would have done it.
• 2:21
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 2:22
  Matt: So I got that.
• 2:23
  Matt: But uh yeah, I mean, I might this might be a low episode for voices, and this might, you know, probably probably not doing too much of my trademark ranting and raven today.
• 2:36
  Matt: You know, it might end up uh uh maybe this will be good.
• 2:40
  Matt: Maybe this will be uh a new a new mask.
• 2:42
  Eric: I mean, this should be expected.
• 2:44
  Eric: You never got vaccinated and you didn't really give a fuck about quarantine conditions.
• 2:47
  Eric: That is those are those are lots.
• 2:50
  Eric: Um we talked extensively.
• 2:52
  Eric: Matthew, they can put that mask on my cold dead body shea, ladies and gentlemen.
• 2:57
  Matt: Uh I I encourage the listeners to go back to uh the episode Nothing Illegal Comes in Grape, where we talk about our students have that in the fucking chamber?
• 3:08
  Matt: Eric, one of us is required to remember the things we to do and talk about on this podcast as me.
• 3:15
  Eric: Thank God it's you.
• 3:17
  Eric: Yeah, you can't lose your brains.
• 3:19
  Eric: We I need I need that.
• 3:22
  Matt: That's why I'm st I'm still shy.
• 3:24
  Matt: Eric, uh do it.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, oh, oh, it's got my model.
• 3:28
  Matt: There, thank you.
• 3:29
  Matt: God, oh this is gonna be this is gonna be an interesting.
• 3:31
  Matt: Oh, yeah, just cute.
• 3:31
  Matt: Anytime you need me to do the old man thing, just just give the Oh, you think I'm gonna stick to one character?
• 3:37
  Matt: Oh Jesus.
• 3:39
  Matt: Oh no.
• 3:40
  Matt: It's not good.
• 3:41
  Matt: We're not off to it because.
• 3:42
  Eric: Oh man, it's all right.
• 3:43
  Eric: Oh man, start the show! Start the show!
• 3:46
  Matt: No, no, no, no.
• 3:47
  Matt: It's you know, it's okay.
• 3:49
  Matt: I'm just, you know, I as long as as long as we can have a civil discussion and I don't have to get upset.
• 3:57
  Eric: And we can agree that Billy Joel is mids and that Back to the Future 3 was the best one of them.
• 4:05
  Eric: Eric.
• 4:06
  Eric: Um you know what, Eric?
• 4:09
  Eric: I Hey Matt, how'd JFK die?
• 4:13
  Matt: You know, well, he was shot in the head, Eric.
• 4:15
  Matt: Uh that part's not up for debate.
• 4:26
  Eric: Oh God, oh God, you got this.
• 4:48
  Matt: The podcast, answering life's least pressing questions.
• 4:52
  Matt: I am actively projecting as if I'm on stage, and my name is Matthew Shea.
• 4:58
  Eric: I'm gonna keep it cool and casual, not on stage.
• 5:01
  Eric: We're just doing a bit of a cold reading with the director off to the side after all the other auditioners have left.
• 5:07
  Eric: My name's Eric Poach.
• 5:08
  Matt: Yeah, I mean, I this is what I Eric, this is what I have to do in my condition, you know, with my ailment.
• 5:17
  Matt: Yeah.
• 5:18
  Eric: Yep.
• 5:19
  Eric: Meanwhile, me just flash these baby browns.
• 5:23
  Eric: They melt.
• 5:26
  Matt: What?
• 5:27
  Eric: That's how that's how I get all of my roles.
• 5:29
  Eric: I just I just give them a give them a little while.
• 5:31
  Matt: I'm just talking about getting my voice into a con first of all, you just blinked at me with such a frequency that if thank god I don't have epilepsy.
• 5:43
  Eric: This is such a good bit for an audio medium.
• 5:46
  Eric: This is such this is such a solid bit.
• 5:49
  Matt: So good.
• 5:50
  Matt: So I'm so glad we did.
• 5:52
  Matt: No, I'm saying I have to do special work to get to get to my nor just to get to my normal level.
• 5:59
  Eric: And I'm just saying I just wake up like this.
• 6:02
  Matt: Yeah, I'm saying how I have struggled and continue to struggle just to bring you the mediocre humor that I do.
• 6:12
  Eric: And then there's me just blundering upward from success to success.
• 6:19
  Eric: Doom doop-do-do.
• 6:21
  Matt: I get to know board.
• 6:23
  Matt: Blundering upward from success to success.
• 6:28
  Matt: Blundering to success.
• 6:29
  Matt: Blundering success.
• 6:31
  Matt: That's a perfect description of you, Eric.
• 6:33
  Matt: Very apt.
• 6:34
  unknown: Thank you.
• 6:35
  Eric: Thank you.
• 6:36
  Matt: Very apt.
• 6:37
  Matt: Um, so Eric, how have you been?
• 6:40
  Matt: I, I don't know if you heard, I have COVID.
• 6:43
  Matt: Oh, you have well I did.
• 6:44
  Matt: I had it.
• 6:45
  Matt: You have.
• 6:46
  Matt: Okay.
• 6:46
  Matt: I'm on the upswing.
• 6:47
  Matt: But what is uh what's up with you in your life?
• 6:49
  unknown: Oh man.
• 6:51
  Eric: Uh I've been playing a fuck ton of chivalry too.
• 6:57
  Eric: I've heard a few things about chivalry too.
• 7:00
  Eric: I've been meaning to recommend chivalry to, especially now that it has crossplay and we can actually play it together.
• 7:08
  Matt: Well, you didn't, and that I have to say, is not all that chivalrous of you.
• 7:13
  Eric: God damn.
• 7:14
  Eric: But no, it's it's like the best thing.
• 7:16
  Matt: I still got my marbles.
• 7:17
  Matt: You still it's just becoming more and more of a drowning cat the more you do it.
• 7:27
  Eric: Uh uh, but yes, chivalry to fucking rules.
• 7:31
  Eric: I just get to be a knight on a bat.
• 7:33
  Eric: It's just it's utter chaos.
• 7:35
  Eric: I can just turn my brain off.
• 7:36
  Eric: I don't have to think.
• 7:38
  Eric: I just swing my big dumb sword around, and then I either die immediately or I take out like five people.
• 7:44
  Matt: Hey, that's what she said, am I right?
• 7:46
  Matt: Sharp as attack.
• 7:48
  Matt: Sharp as attack.
• 7:50
  Matt: He's he's still here with us, folks.
• 7:52
  Matt: He's still I'm still kicking, baby.
• 7:57
  Matt: I'm still kicking.
• 7:58
  Matt: That would be good because that would hearken back to our uh our we haven't been able to play online since you didn't get a PlayStation 4 or 5.
• 8:08
  Matt: Correct.
• 8:09
  Matt: And stayed with the like what, like couple of games on Xbox?
• 8:14
  Eric: I yes.
• 8:15
  Eric: I I played my Xbox 360.
• 8:17
  Eric: Uh yeah, we both did.
• 8:19
  Matt: And we we had a many a great uh GTA uh online experience together.
• 8:25
  Eric: We had many a good times, and then I got a gaming PC and became I Oh yes, you became one of those.
• 8:31
  Matt: I ascended.
• 8:31
  Matt: One of those.
• 8:32
  Eric: I became better than most gamers.
• 8:35
  Matt: I just can't bring myself to do all that work, all that literal computing.
• 8:40
  Matt: And and then and then people look down on you if you don't build it yourself.
• 8:44
  Eric: Oh, well, see, here's what I did.
• 8:46
  Eric: I I don't know fucking shit about computers, even a little bit.
• 8:51
  Eric: So I but I have many friends who do.
• 8:54
  Eric: So I found one who who like who is impassioned about it.
• 8:58
  Eric: Impassioned.
• 8:59
  Eric: I was like, here, I'm gonna hand you a thousand dollars.
• 9:03
  Eric: And this was back, this was back in 2013 before I had my big people to like.
• 9:07
  Eric: That was like I had just gotten my big people.
• 9:09
  Eric: Your life savings.
• 9:10
  Eric: That was pretty much everything.
• 9:11
  Eric: I was like, you know what?
• 9:11
  Eric: I'm about to be making actual money now, so like I'll splurge.
• 9:14
  Eric: I was like, here's a thousand dollars in this the year of our lord 2013.
• 9:19
  Eric: Could you build me a computer?
• 9:20
  Eric: He's like, fuck yeah, I will.
• 9:22
  Eric: Well I'll look at you.
• 9:24
  Eric: And uh it kicked ass.
• 9:26
  Eric: Um, it's I have the same computer now, 10 years later, and it wee it sound it wheezes like you.
• 9:37
  Eric: Like, like it sounds like like just coughing at every time I turn it on, I like like it's crossing the fingers and fucking battening the hatches.
• 9:45
  Eric: This thing fight this computer's fighting for its fucking life every single day now.
• 9:50
  Eric: My graphic card, my graphics card is six and a half generations out of date.
• 9:55
  Eric: I don't even know what that means, but I know it's not good.
• 9:58
  Matt: And you know, Eric, it's occurring to me that it is funny that we should immediately go off on a gaming tangent.
• 10:04
  Matt: Because the first question on our docket, which is from the trailer, back from it's it's another edition of questions we put in the trailer but never actually did.
• 10:16
  Matt: And that question is what if experience points were real?
• 10:20
  Eric: What if experience points were real?
• 10:23
  Matt: Talking about the old XP.
• 10:25
  Matt: Now, there's two schools of thought.
• 10:28
  Matt: Well, why don't you give me one of them?
• 10:30
  Eric: Okay, then the other one.
• 10:32
  Eric: Well, this this is a question of how do we want do we want to approach this as if video game experience points were real or like DD experience points were real?
• 10:44
  Eric: Well, Eric it's a Venn diagram.
• 10:48
  Matt: You know, Eric, what's funny is I was about to say, why don't you go ahead and tell me the difference?
• 10:53
  Matt: And and I I feel like you were just gonna launch into it anyway.
• 10:56
  Matt: So Eric, Professor Poach, take it away.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you see, I mean You don't know.
• 11:05
  Matt: Well, that's what we've learned.
• 11:07
  Eric: Video game experience points are locked to a system of logic and and reason.
• 11:14
  Matt: Uh-huh.
• 11:15
  Eric: If you kill a fish, you get 10 experience points.
• 11:20
  Eric: Yeah.
• 11:21
  Eric: It'll always be 10 experience points.
• 11:24
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 11:24
  Eric: You wade waist deep into a creek, punch some fish, get 10 experience points.
• 11:30
  Eric: Depends on all depends on the fish.
• 11:32
  Eric: But D experience points, and I say this is someone I actually, and for my listeners who play Dungeons and Dragons, I'm one of those rare motherfucking DMs.
• 11:45
  Eric: I actually play using experience points, and that is my preferred method.
• 11:49
  Eric: And Matt, I there just know Matthew, that several people listening to the show just went, what the fuck?
• 11:56
  Eric: I I believe it.
• 11:57
  Eric: Uh DD experience points kind of follow a logic in that there are creatures, they give you experience points when you kill them.
• 12:05
  Eric: But then it's just kind of up to God whether some random action you do or task you complete is worthy of you growing as a person.
• 12:16
  Eric: See, in video games, it's absolute and solid.
• 12:19
  Eric: I kill shit, I get experience points.
• 12:22
  Eric: DD, it's kill shit, get experience points.
• 12:28
  Matt: Correct me if I'm wrong.
• 12:29
  Matt: Aren't you as the DM the the god figure in this world?
• 12:35
  Eric: Oh yes.
• 12:36
  Eric: Well, see, here's the thing.
• 12:37
  Eric: I use experience points and then often forget that I'm using them.
• 12:42
  Matt: Oh, you're so in it, you're so method.
• 12:44
  Eric: So at so so I I hand out experience points in a very chaotic way.
• 12:48
  Eric: Like, you know, you killed so many enemies, you get this many experience points, what have you.
• 12:52
  Eric: But at the end, I just sit there like, all right, what'd you guys do this time?
• 12:54
  Eric: Well, you stopped the lich from enslaving the local populace.
• 12:59
  Eric: Uh yeah, that's about 500 each.
• 13:01
  Eric: Uh the oh yeah, oh yeah, you helped that cat get out of the tree.
• 13:06
  Eric: That's that's another 200.
• 13:08
  Eric: Notice like the 200 for the tree.
• 13:10
  Matt: 200 for the tree.
• 13:11
  Matt: But if they made this is where 500 for getting rid of the the in populace enslaver?
• 13:16
  Eric: Yeah, but like in you also have to remember, I can make it all up.
• 13:21
  Eric: Like it's just it's pure, it's like if something when I'm playing DD, if I'm DMing you, if you're making if you're entertaining me with what you're doing, meaning like I'm going, oh, that's badass, or man, that's fucking hilarious, I'll fucking make it rain.
• 13:37
  Eric: Experience points.
• 13:38
  Matt: Well then, Eric, what I'm hearing is we have two the of the two systems you're describing, yeah, we have one that is dependent on us saying in the in the context of experience points affecting real life, that would require God.
• 13:59
  Matt: You know, so we we we'd have to have a bit of a the the religious aspect in involved to some degree, some sort of overarching power.
• 14:07
  Matt: And then the other version is just uh good old-fashioned American bureaucracy.
• 14:12
  Matt: That's what it sounds like to me.
• 14:13
  Eric: And that's kind of what I like leaning towards.
• 14:16
  Eric: Oh, okay.
• 14:17
  Eric: Well, I also like to think.
• 14:21
  Eric: Hey, hey, who's the who's the who's supposed to be coughing in?
• 14:24
  Eric: I meant I wanted to be sensitive of the condition.
• 14:29
  Matt: That's my that's what my people do, okay?
• 14:32
  Eric: Oh yeah, there you go.
• 14:36
  Eric: Hope it was worth it.
• 14:38
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 14:40
  Eric: Uh, but but that being said, we we can also just say, like, it doesn't have to just be straight up murder that gets you experience points.
• 14:48
  Eric: Like, I think this discussion should primarily be about, you know, if experience points were real.
• 14:52
  Eric: I don't know how many would you get, like, just doing shit.
• 14:56
  Eric: How would you earn them?
• 14:58
  Eric: Like, would ever would everything you do either net or lose you some experience points?
• 15:03
  Eric: I because I I I am also a fan.
• 15:05
  Eric: I I love that old school DD shit where like there was shit.
• 15:08
  Eric: If you did this, you could like give yourself an insane bonus on a on a fucking roll or something.
• 15:14
  Eric: Like you could spend it, burn your experience, you could de-level to buff yourself temporarily.
• 15:19
  Eric: Fucking in old editions DD, you had to spend experience points to make fucking potions and scrolls.
• 15:24
  Eric: Ugh.
• 15:25
  Eric: Come on.
• 15:26
  Eric: Nobody ever did it.
• 15:27
  Eric: Yeah.
• 15:28
  Eric: We handwaved that shit.
• 15:29
  Matt: Yeah, well, get what you're the you're a benevolent god in that in that respect.
• 15:35
  Matt: But so, but you you've that you like a set number you think works better per action.
• 15:42
  Matt: Yeah, I think I or like I we could talk about like like Well using that, yeah, using that method, uh what happens in games and such uh is when something happens and you earn the XP, a little like notice appears above your head.
• 15:58
  Matt: Oh yeah, you gotta get that dopamine plus 21 or whatever.
• 16:02
  Matt: Would that happen in real life?
• 16:04
  Eric: Oh, 100%.
• 16:05
  Eric: I think you have to become if they were real, you would become immediately aware of how many you just got.
• 16:10
  Eric: Like that that's kind of the rules.
• 16:12
  Matt: Like you So are you seeing, do you think in this world humans somehow have an augmented reality vision to have like a desktop of how much XP in the corner, you know?
• 16:26
  Matt: Now, Matt, we're getting into the good shit.
• 16:28
  Eric: Uh yes, because I don't believe this is like a magical hand-wavy, oh, we all magically see our experience points.
• 16:34
  Eric: I think this is like a cyberpunk nightmare scenario.
• 16:36
  Eric: Like this is this is like we take the social scores from from other countries, and then we just make that here, but like more horrifying, and like we determine like if our society that we live in right now had them.
• 16:52
  Matt: Uh-huh.
• 16:52
  Eric: I think it would be yes, we would have like optical implants so we could see like how many experience points we're getting.
• 16:59
  Eric: We could have a little computer telling us, like, oh, if you pick up that can, you get 10 experience points.
• 17:05
  Matt: Oh, interesting.
• 17:06
  Matt: I think that would drive people to insanity.
• 17:08
  Matt: I think oh yeah, uh in my vision, you're doing something and you just like get the notification, like it just pops up above your head like like a sim, the oh, you know, 200 plus 200 points, or whatever.
• 17:22
  Matt: Like it becomes so in gr you know part of the fabric of society to the point that you almost are unaware of them.
• 17:32
  Matt: Because if you're not completely unaware of them, think of how that would destroy a moment.
• 17:38
  Matt: Like, say you're there, you got your special friend between betwixt the sheets.
• 17:44
  Matt: Oh, Matthew.
• 17:45
  Matt: Yeah, you're doing you're doing a little bit of dirty business.
• 17:49
  Matt: Uh yes.
• 17:50
  Matt: And then you once once you come to climax, you get that.
• 17:55
  Eric: I'm sorry.
• 17:56
  Eric: One more time.
• 17:59
  Eric: Okay, yeah, there we go.
• 17:59
  Eric: Just wanted to make sure we we we dried and softened everyone who was listening.
• 18:04
  Matt: That's what's that that's the sound of the XP appearing with your head.
• 18:10
  Matt: Doesn't if you're acutely aware of that popping up, don't you think that ruins the moment a little bit when you know your partner looks up and goes, oh yeah.
• 18:22
  Matt: Uh plus 60 is about right.
• 18:26
  Matt: How come you got plus 400?
• 18:28
  Eric: Yeah, that felt that felt like half XP.
• 18:30
  Matt: Yeah, yeah.
• 18:31
  Matt: Well, it feels like I was doing plus 400 work, I'll tell you that.
• 18:37
  Eric: Uh, I do I do love your XP sound.
• 18:40
  Matt: That's a very good I've got limited sounds in my repertoire right now.
• 18:49
  Matt: But that's one of them.
• 18:50
  Eric: And if there's XP, like I also oh man, I also like to imagine that once you get enough, like you level up, it's pretty, it's pretty drastic and instantaneous.
• 19:04
  Eric: Like fucking, like Oh yeah, what happens when you level up?
• 19:08
  Eric: Oh man, like I so it depends on what class you selected at birth.
• 19:13
  Eric: Oh boy.
• 19:14
  Eric: Um, I like to imagine like a schoolyard bully who just like fucking relentlessly, just like like smacking this, this, this other smaller kid around, bullying the other kid just one day he's gives and like like throws it, throws a hit and just barely scrapes the guy, gets like 10 experience points, and that's just enough to gr like just fucking the kid gets two feet taller and like a 10 pack.
• 19:42
  Matt: Yeah, he he red mushroomed on up.
• 19:45
  Eric: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 19:46
  Matt: Oh, so you but you so you think it's a physical change every time.
• 19:50
  Matt: Oh, for sure.
• 19:52
  Matt: So then the most exp well then that begs the question of what happens to one who is most experienced.
• 20:00
  Eric: Like, oh, like once you hit the cap?
• 20:03
  Matt: Well, not necessarily hit the cap, but I'm saying, like, oh, what a a wise scholar who's earned all you're saying, like brain the size of a beach ball.
• 20:14
  Matt: Oh, so it's just this brain, like he's just gonna turn into uh one of the Martians from uh uh Mars attacks.
• 20:21
  Eric: Mars attacks act act acting all over the place.
• 20:24
  Matt: Indeed.
• 20:25
  Eric: Yeah, I think the older, I think in this system, preferably the older you get and the more experience points you get, it just becomes very clear what your class is.
• 20:34
  Matt: So you wish to create a classist society.
• 20:38
  Matt: Ah as opposed to the one we have, as opposed to the one we have now.
• 20:43
  Matt: I know.
• 20:43
  Eric: Oh, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 20:45
  Eric: As opposed to the utopia that we live in now.
• 20:48
  Eric: Imagine how much shit would suck if we were classist racist.
• 20:53
  Matt: Can you imagine the social divide?
• 20:58
  Matt: Ugh.
• 20:58
  Matt: Oh.
• 20:59
  Matt: Unthinkable.
• 21:00
  Matt: What a privilege it is to be alive.
• 21:03
  Eric: Right.
• 21:04
  Eric: Yes.
• 21:05
  Eric: Uh yes.
• 21:07
  Eric: What were we talking about before you accuse No?
• 21:12
  Eric: I I I don't want to create a classist society, Matthew.
• 21:15
  Eric: I want to create a class E society.
• 21:17
  Eric: I want I classy and not classist.
• 21:23
  Eric: Where a warlock can earn by the sweat of his brow and and the the the leather of his tome.
• 21:30
  Eric: Yes.
• 21:31
  Eric: Go off, King.
• 21:32
  Matt: Where Come on, come on, tell me.
• 21:40
  Matt: Tell me how it could be.
• 21:42
  Eric: Oh man.
• 21:43
  Eric: Where where where a thief a humble thief or a humble thief can can steal an Aladdin esque loaf of bread with impunity and level up from street rat to print.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, yes.
• 22:02
  Eric: Where where where your local priest can kick the ass of the demon that's inhabiting your you know your your spouse.
• 22:12
  Eric: Literally smite the shit out of him.
• 22:15
  Matt: Yeah, I kind of lost what Disney film we're talking about now.
• 22:18
  Eric: I where a simple village girl can go from simple village girl to level 20 fighter over the course of a movie.
• 22:30
  Eric: Indeed.
• 22:31
  Eric: And save all of China.
• 22:33
  Matt: Yeah, but that was only with the help of uh Donnie Osmond.
• 22:36
  Matt: Oh, I always forget that Donnie Osmond.
• 22:38
  Matt: Through the power of song.
• 22:39
  Matt: But only the singing voice.
• 22:41
  Matt: He is only the singing voice.
• 22:42
  Matt: Yes.
• 22:43
  Matt: Oh man, good old Donnie.
• 22:45
  Matt: Oh, good old Donnie.
• 22:47
  Matt: Anyway, Eric, I got a question for you.
• 22:49
  Matt: Did we answer this question?
• 22:51
  Eric: I think we've answered a lot of aspects of this question.
• 22:55
  Eric: Uh what I would like to what I'd like to do real quick before we close it out.
• 22:58
  Eric: Okay.
• 22:59
  Eric: I'm going to present you with some scenarios.
• 23:01
  Eric: Let's say let's say you're a standard, you know, in the adventure, you're a standard human commoner.
• 23:08
  Matt: The adventure of life?
• 23:10
  Eric: Yes.
• 23:10
  Eric: Level one.
• 23:11
  Eric: Sure.
• 23:12
  Eric: Okay.
• 23:12
  Eric: To get to level two, you need a thousand experience points.
• 23:16
  Eric: Let's just say.
• 23:17
  Eric: Arbitrary numbers.
• 23:18
  Eric: So you need a thousand experience points.
• 23:20
  Eric: Am I a baby?
• 23:21
  Eric: No, no, no, no.
• 23:22
  Eric: Let's say you're just you.
• 23:23
  Matt: So I've made it to say age 33 at the same level.
• 23:28
  Eric: Bro, welcome to the welcome to the leveling up paradox of Dungeons and Dragons.
• 23:34
  Eric: Like, you ever think it's weird how like everyone starts at level one, right?
• 23:37
  Eric: And you're like a fully grown adult, and then over the course of in-game, maybe a couple weeks, you go from being a mere mortal that you always have been to basically being a demigod, despite having been on this earth for 30 years, and like in all that time you didn't punch a goblin.
• 23:54
  Matt: It's an it's an issue I think about all the time.
• 23:56
  Eric: Yes.
• 23:57
  Eric: Uh as do I.
• 23:59
  Eric: Um, but like I just want to give you some like ever I just kind of want to give you some everyday ordinary scenarios, and you let me know if if I need a thousand points to level up as a commoner, tell me how many points this is worth.
• 24:10
  Eric: Okay.
• 24:10
  Eric: All right.
• 24:10
  Eric: Ready?
• 24:11
  Eric: Uh fucking uh good start.
• 24:16
  Eric: I know.
• 24:18
  Eric: Successfully uh uh uh uh successfully call and get into an Uber.
• 24:24
  Matt: Uh uh I'm gonna say, hmm.
• 24:27
  Matt: Uh oh, I get to decide.
• 24:29
  Matt: Why am I trying to get it right?
• 24:30
  Matt: I'm painting this picture.
• 24:31
  Matt: Yeah, yeah.
• 24:32
  Matt: I'm giving you complete creative license.
• 24:34
  Matt: I'm the god here.
• 24:35
  Matt: I'm the figurehead.
• 24:36
  Matt: The let's say 75.
• 24:40
  Matt: 75.
• 24:41
  Eric: 75, baby.
• 24:42
  Eric: One tenth of the way there.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 24:45
  Eric: Uh let's say you take it's the end of the day.
• 24:48
  Eric: Oh.
• 24:49
  Eric: You're you're about to get into bed.
• 24:50
  Eric: Uh you take your undies off, and then you kick them into the air and catch them mid-air.
• 24:55
  Eric: Like you do that thing, you've done it.
• 24:57
  Eric: I know you have it.
• 24:57
  Matt: Like you shimmy out, it's on your foot, and then you're like, whoop, now Eric, we've first of all, we've talked about how you and I do not sleep the same because you sleep nude, and I'm I do.
• 25:08
  Matt: I sleep so naked.
• 25:10
  Eric: But I have I assume at some point them them.
• 25:13
  Matt: Oh, I've done them on the uh I've done the undie kick for sure.
• 25:17
  Matt: You've done the undy kick?
• 25:18
  Matt: And I think if you catch it, you get that's a fiver.
• 25:23
  Matt: That's just five points.
• 25:24
  Eric: Five points, five points.
• 25:26
  Matt: Because that's not really I feel like it's I I feel like you want me to say hundreds and things like that, but I feel like these aren't really accomplishments.
• 25:33
  Matt: This is like the same thing as like you.
• 25:37
  Eric: This is the shit we gotta grind out.
• 25:38
  Matt: You gotta grind out.
• 25:39
  Matt: These are tiny little accomplishments.
• 25:41
  Eric: So you This is I'm walking around the grass outside of Pallet Town for like two hours.
• 25:46
  Eric: 100% beat the shit out of the next gym leader.
• 25:50
  Matt: This is just you know, Pidgey after Pidgey we're talking about right now.
• 25:53
  Eric: All right.
• 25:53
  Eric: It is your high school reunion.
• 25:55
  Eric: Now we're talking.
• 25:56
  Eric: You see your bully.
• 25:58
  Eric: Uh-huh.
• 25:58
  Eric: You are with your special someone.
• 26:01
  Eric: Okay.
• 26:02
  Eric: Uh, your bully splashes you with some punch or something.
• 26:07
  Eric: I assume that's what bullies do after they haven't seen you in like 20 years.
• 26:11
  Eric: Sure.
• 26:11
  Eric: They're like, oh hey, oh hey, you idiot, you dumb, stupid motherfucker.
• 26:18
  Eric: I hate you.
• 26:19
  Eric: And he splashes, splashes you with punch and and even gets someone your special someone.
• 26:25
  Eric: Oh uh you back to the future style, just just just deck him.
• 26:31
  Matt: Deck him.
• 26:31
  Matt: Bang.
• 26:32
  Eric: Just fucking lay him the fuck up.
• 26:34
  Matt: He does he does that bifftan full 360.
• 26:38
  Eric: The classic biff tannin 360.
• 26:42
  Eric: I you can see the way the arms flail, the face he makes.
• 26:45
  Eric: 100%.
• 26:47
  Eric: Uh how many how many points is that worth?
• 26:50
  Eric: Um that that I'll say 250.
• 26:55
  Eric: 250.
• 26:56
  Matt: There's historical precedent.
• 26:57
  Matt: There's a long period of waiting.
• 27:01
  Eric: Technically, a boss, it's a it's a boss fight.
• 27:03
  Matt: It's a boss, it's a boss fight, but it's like it's not like big boss fight, I guess.
• 27:09
  Eric: Oh, like anymore.
• 27:10
  Matt: It would have been in high school.
• 27:12
  Matt: It would have been a boss fight in high school.
• 27:14
  Matt: If that's if you do this if you do this in high school, that's I think easier.
• 27:21
  Matt: Easy a thousand.
• 27:21
  Matt: Easy thousand.
• 27:22
  Eric: You you you you go up a level or two.
• 27:25
  Eric: Like it's early in the game.
• 27:26
  Matt: You're like, two Zelda hearts right there.
• 27:28
  Eric: 100%.
• 27:30
  Eric: Uh yeah.
• 27:32
  Eric: So what now that begs the question, what the fuck would a boss fight be when we're adults?
• 27:37
  Matt: What you mean you could uh successfully negotiate a raise?
• 27:43
  Eric: Yeah.
• 27:45
  Eric: Yeah.
• 27:46
  Eric: Oh, you pay off your student debt.
• 27:48
  Matt: You pay off your student debt.
• 27:49
  Matt: That's gotta be a couple levels.
• 27:51
  Eric: That's gotta be right there.
• 27:53
  Eric: You get off you you manage to get onto the do not call list.
• 27:57
  Matt: What?
• 27:59
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 28:00
  Matt: Yeah, you get you get take you successfully get taken off the list.
• 28:05
  Eric: You stay up till 2 a.m.
• 28:06
  Eric: and you wake up the next day and you feel fine.
• 28:11
  Matt: Sure, yeah.
• 28:13
  Matt: I don't know if that's a boss fight, but that is a heavy XP winner.
• 28:16
  Eric: Do modern children Matthew, tell me.
• 28:21
  Eric: Do the children they refer to themselves as that, yes.
• 28:23
  Eric: Modern children do the modern children and please any modern children who listen to our show, please educate.
• 28:29
  Eric: Please educate old Uncle Poach.
• 28:31
  Eric: Um do y'all get into fights like bully fights anymore?
• 28:37
  Matt: I can't imagine they do.
• 28:39
  Matt: They're much they're much more socially uh ki competent than we were.
• 28:44
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 28:46
  Eric: I feel like, but then I feel like well, yeah, I maybe not physical altercations.
• 28:51
  Eric: I feel like though psychological warfare now is probably way more intense.
• 28:57
  Matt: Oh, it's a battle of wits for sure.
• 28:59
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 29:00
  Matt: Which actually this makes me wish I was a modern child because that was always my weapon of choice.
• 29:06
  Eric: Hmm.
• 29:08
  Matt: Your your hrapia wit.
• 29:09
  Matt: My hrapia wit.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_01: Which you still have, it's y'all still rolling around in it.
• 29:15
  Matt: Thank you for picking up.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, busy.
• 29:19
  Matt: Oh man, it's sad.
• 29:20
  Matt: The yet once, I think I don't know if I've told this story on the podcast now or before before or not.
• 29:27
  Matt: Good lord, look what's happened to me.
• 29:29
  Matt: The one of the marbles just fell out.
• 29:30
  Matt: The oh no.
• 29:32
  Matt: Let me shove it back up my nose here.
• 29:35
  Matt: The yes, with that sound.
• 29:38
  Matt: When I finally got into a fight with uh my freshman year roommate who was awful.
• 29:44
  Matt: Awful.
• 29:44
  Matt: Oh, I remember the We got in this big fight and he started listing all the things he hates about me.
• 29:50
  Matt: And the very first thing he said was, I hate your fucking sarcasm.
• 29:54
  Matt: And I was like, wow, first thing.
• 29:58
  Matt: And I felt so I can't tell you what he said.
• 30:00
  Matt: I can't tell you what he said after that because I was just like, damn man, we did it.
• 30:05
  Matt: It's an it's my notable trait.
• 30:09
  Matt: I have a class.
• 30:12
  Matt: Yes.
• 30:12
  Matt: I know what my class is.
• 30:14
  Matt: I know what to do, yes.
• 30:16
  Matt: The uh so yeah, yeah.
• 30:19
  Matt: I think I think if especially if you can defeat a physical bully in high school with mental fortitude, that's that's a huge level up.
• 30:30
  Matt: Yes, huge level up.
• 30:33
  Eric: If you if you make the kid who's been bullying you physically, if you make them cry, yeah, that is just win.
• 30:39
  Eric: Oh yes.
• 30:40
  Matt: Oh yes.
• 30:41
  Matt: If you yeah, if you emotionally damage them, for sure, for sure.
• 30:46
  Eric: Yeah.
• 30:47
  Eric: And like kids, uh maybe this is bad advice.
• 30:49
  Eric: If someone's physically bullying you, uh A, you have every right to defend yourself by whatever means to make them stop.
• 30:57
  Eric: Uh at that point, all bets are off.
• 30:59
  Eric: Make them cry.
• 31:00
  Eric: Be vicious.
• 31:01
  Matt: Make them cry.
• 31:01
  Matt: Bring up their parents' divorce.
• 31:04
  Matt: Lightly.
• 31:05
  Matt: Lightly suggest it was their fault.
• 31:07
  Eric: Oh, yeah.
• 31:08
  Eric: Light you know they fight because of you.
• 31:11
  Matt: You know that they fight because of you.
• 31:14
  Matt: You know you were supposed to have a brother that you ate in the womb.
• 31:18
  Matt: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 31:20
  Eric: Just just so uh what have we come to why should so well, why should I listen to your podcast?
• 31:28
  Eric: Well, we give children instructions on how to effectively traumatize each other.
• 31:34
  Eric: Um and we do it well.
• 31:36
  Eric: We do it well.
• 31:37
  Eric: Oh, we do it, so it's for the kids.
• 31:39
  Eric: Do it for the kids.
• 31:40
  Eric: Everything we do is for the kids.
• 31:42
  Eric: Everything we do is for the kids.
• 31:43
  Eric: Kids, do not take our our advice.
• 31:46
  Eric: Uh but don't not take it.
• 31:50
  Matt: Eric, I think we better move on before we get our in more trouble.
• 31:54
  Matt: And actually, this is a decent segue from a child issue to an adult issue.
• 32:00
  Matt: Eric, you want to give us our next question?
• 32:02
  Eric: Oh, boy howdy do I.
• 32:04
  Eric: Our next question, Matt.
• 32:06
  Eric: Uh when people ask, where are you from?
• 32:11
  Eric: What is the age cutoff to be, quote, from somewhere?
• 32:15
  Eric: And that's from a dot Lexa Lee on Instagram.
• 32:19
  Matt: Thank you very much.
• 32:20
  Eric: Hi, Lexa.
• 32:21
  Matt: Yeah, so this is something that I actually have struggled with quite a bit.
• 32:25
  Matt: When somebody and I'm gonna give it to you raw, so to speak.
• 32:29
  Matt: Okay.
• 32:29
  Matt: I'm gonna give it to you, give it to you cold.
• 32:32
  Matt: I walk up to you, go, oh hey, where are you from?
• 32:34
  Matt: First of all, that's weird if that's the first thing I've said to you.
• 32:37
  Matt: But let's say, oh, what's your name?
• 32:40
  Matt: Where are you from?
• 32:41
  Eric: Uh my default answer, if I'm like out in the world and someone says, Where are you from?
• 32:46
  Eric: I just say Baltimore.
• 32:47
  Matt: Okay, interesting.
• 32:49
  Matt: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 32:49
  Eric: Because I am I live in Baltimore County.
• 32:52
  Matt: Okay.
• 32:53
  Eric: So you the good old Dundok.
• 32:55
  Eric: So you go to the the closest.
• 32:59
  Eric: Cause every because it's so much better than explaining where the fuck Glen Burney is.
• 33:05
  Matt: Well, okay, but that's what I'm asking.
• 33:07
  Matt: Because like whenever somebody asks where I'm from, in my head, I skip to what you just did.
• 33:14
  Matt: And I'm like, okay, I I know what they really want to know.
• 33:18
  Matt: They want to know how I got to this location earlier today.
• 33:23
  Matt: And that's because I live in Laurel.
• 33:26
  Matt: And like, you know, you say that sort of thing.
• 33:28
  Matt: Or if you're out of state, it becomes the state, I think.
• 33:32
  Matt: Yeah.
• 33:33
  Matt: But in my head, I always, always, always, always go, well, I mean, I'm from Lancaster, Pennsylvania, you know.
• 33:44
  Eric: Um, Lancaster.
• 33:46
  Matt: Uh no, it's Lancaster.
• 33:48
  Matt: You're thinking of Bert Lancaster or the city in California.
• 33:52
  Eric: Lancaster.
• 33:53
  Matt: Lancaster, yeah.
• 33:54
  Matt: Give it a kiss.
• 33:55
  Matt: That's what I've always said.
• 33:57
  Matt: You gotta now.
• 33:59
  Eric: Lankster?
• 34:00
  Eric: No, not Lank.
• 34:01
  Eric: Langster sounds like a dating app for gangly fuckers like me.
• 34:05
  Matt: Not l not Langster.
• 34:07
  Matt: Okay.
• 34:08
  Matt: That that sounds like a a British borough of some sort.
• 34:11
  Matt: Lancaster.
• 34:12
  Matt: Lancaster.
• 34:13
  Matt: Langster.
• 34:14
  Eric: Lang Lang Lancaster.
• 34:16
  Matt: Now there's not a you to be found.
• 34:19
  Matt: Not a you to be found.
• 34:20
  Matt: New new mascot idea.
• 34:22
  Matt: The Longster from Langster.
• 34:24
  Matt: Eric, you you I see I know what you're doing.
• 34:28
  Matt: You're you're you're baiting me.
• 34:30
  unknown: No.
• 34:30
  Matt: And me, who I need I remind you, I'm in a fragile state.
• 34:38
  Eric: Is this you using the psychological trauma in response to my bullying?
• 34:43
  Matt: My doctor ordered me to not stress my body.
• 34:48
  Matt: A phrase Lindsay and I have said to each other over and over again for the last five days.
• 34:54
  Matt: You're stressing my body.
• 34:56
  Eric: You're stress, you are stressing my body.
• 34:59
  Eric: Literally, this is what has happened.
• 35:01
  Eric: Any oh, that's good.
• 35:02
  Matt: Any raise of the voice will be met with, excuse me, you're stressing my body.
• 35:07
  Eric: You're stressing my body, you're damaging my call.
• 35:10
  Eric: And right now, see, you're stressing my body.
• 35:13
  Eric: You're bringing it back.
• 35:16
  Matt: You bring the wound.
• 35:17
  Eric: You're opening the wound.
• 35:19
  Eric: So, yeah, but no, you're thinking of like where your answers to what you do in your head, like the question you answer in your head is the question you answer when someone says, so someone says, Hey, where are you from?
• 35:31
  Eric: But then there's the other version of the question was, so where are you from?
• 35:35
  Eric: That's when you say Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
• 35:37
  Eric: When they give it that when they so uh it's that it's that question that awkward white people love to ask.
• 35:44
  Eric: Yes, yes.
• 35:47
  Eric: Other folks.
• 35:48
  Matt: Yes.
• 35:49
  Matt: So where are you from?
• 35:50
  Matt: What's your heritage?
• 35:51
  Matt: Yeah, exactly.
• 35:52
  Eric: Where are you from?
• 35:53
  Matt: But but what uh is it weird if you are given just a plain old, hey, where are you from?
• 36:00
  Matt: If your default answer is to say, well, originally I'm from Manitoba, but now you know I hailed from Glen Burney originally, then I moved to Dundalk.
• 36:15
  Eric: Spent years quick lateral shift to Pasadena and then boomeranged right the fuck back to Dundalk.
• 36:25
  Eric: Yes, my brief sojourn.
• 36:27
  Matt: Yes, like is does that make you an asshole if you automatically jump into let me connect the dots of my life for you?
• 36:34
  Eric: I mean, it depends.
• 36:35
  Eric: If we're like, if we're sitting in a waiting room before an audition, just like chatting, I'm like, so where are you from?
• 36:41
  Eric: And you give me that list, that's fine.
• 36:43
  Eric: That's like if we're making small talk while we wait for something.
• 36:46
  Eric: If like, I don't know, we're at a like if if like we're just passing by, we're making small talk, and like, oh, where are you from?
• 36:52
  Eric: And like, and you give me the I'm like, okay, okay, cool, okay, okay, cool, okay.
• 36:56
  Eric: That's why, like, if I want to know someone's life story, I usually I was like, So where'd you grow up?
• 37:00
  Matt: Yeah, or where are you from originally?
• 37:03
  Matt: Where do you, you know, that sort of thing.
• 37:05
  Matt: Because I think what in the spirit of the actual question, which is like, what is the cutoff?
• 37:10
  Matt: That I think plays into what we're talking about, about having the default be like, oh, well, let me skip to where I'm currently living.
• 37:19
  Matt: And I think it is like wherever your permanent address is right now.
• 37:24
  Eric: Yeah.
• 37:25
  Eric: But it sounds like from the way Lexi phrased this question, is when they said what is the age cutoff to be from somewhere.
• 37:34
  Eric: So, like, so let's say, for example, I was born in Glen Burney, but then let's say I moved to Chattahoochee.
• 37:40
  Eric: Sure.
• 37:40
  Eric: The age cutoff is like, how how old do I have to have been when I left there?
• 37:45
  Eric: How many years do I have to have resided somewhere to be from there?
• 37:48
  Eric: Do you know what I mean?
• 37:49
  Eric: Like, yeah, obviously, like if I moved away when I was like eight or nine, I can always say, Oh yeah, well, I'm from Glen Bernie.
• 37:55
  Eric: But if I was like born in Glen Burney and then I was a year old when we moved to Chattahoochee, right?
• 38:02
  Eric: I can't, I can't be out here like, oh yeah, Glen Glen Bernie.
• 38:06
  Eric: I'm I'm one of them Glen Burnouts, dirty Bernie, Burn City.
• 38:10
  Eric: Okay, yeah.
• 38:10
  Eric: Like, I can't.
• 38:11
  Matt: You're bringing a lot of childhood trauma into this episode now.
• 38:15
  Eric: Oh, not even that's the thing about Glen Burney.
• 38:18
  Eric: It's not even childhood trauma, it's just childhood.
• 38:22
  Eric: Eh.
• 38:23
  Eric: Nice.
• 38:23
  Eric: Great.
• 38:24
  Eric: Glen Bernie.
• 38:25
  Eric: Do you know what it says on Wikipedia about the place I grew up?
• 38:30
  Eric: I wish you'd tell me.
• 38:31
  Eric: Glen Burney, according to Wikipedia, donate today, is not a town, not a city, not a uh a village.
• 38:42
  Eric: It is a quote census-designated place.
• 38:46
  Eric: Ooh, that's rough.
• 38:49
  Eric: It is welcome to Glen Burney.
• 38:52
  Eric: You can say your address is here.
• 38:54
  Matt: So that's I don't think it's an age cutoff.
• 38:57
  Matt: I think it is like an age duration.
• 38:59
  Matt: And I'll use Lindsay, my wife, as an example.
• 39:03
  Matt: Like she was born in Texas, but like didn't live there all that long and did most of her growing up down in Southern Maryland.
• 39:13
  Matt: Her formative years.
• 39:14
  Matt: So she says, Oh, I grew up in Southern Maryland.
• 39:17
  Eric: You know, you're telling me Lindsay's a Texan?
• 39:20
  Matt: I I am telling you that she was born in Texas.
• 39:24
  Matt: Is she is she rooting?
• 39:27
  Matt: Is she tootin'?
• 39:28
  Matt: I I Eric, I can say Is she shooting?
• 39:31
  Matt: I can say with authority, she is not rootin' nor tootin'.
• 39:38
  Eric: I would say, Dr.
• 39:39
  Eric: Lindsay Barr, when you listen to this episode, and I think this, you would consider this a compliment, when I think Lindsay Barr, the two words that do not immediately come to mind are rootin and tootin.
• 39:52
  Matt: No, no.
• 39:53
  Matt: But no, just for fun, I am gonna insert the Dallas theme song here.
• 40:17
  Matt: And that that plays when Lindsay enters a room.
• 40:27
  Eric: Oh man.
• 40:28
  Eric: Oh man, she oh, this is gonna be a texte fight.
• 40:32
  Matt: Sure is.
• 40:34
  Matt: Sure is, but it won't be a very active fight given our mutual condition.
• 40:43
  Eric: The condition.
• 40:44
  Matt: The the illness.
• 40:45
  Eric: Imagining you two trying to have an argument while both having COVID.
• 40:51
  Eric: Oh no.
• 40:51
  Eric: Is it it's like it's like two Skekskies from the dark crystal just just just laying against the wall, just hissing at each other.
• 41:02
  Matt: We didn't even have the the energy to debate what to watch.
• 41:06
  Matt: You know, we were just like anything.
• 41:09
  Eric: Looks like bad opinion.
• 41:11
  Eric: Make smells like bad opinion.
• 41:14
  Matt: Make images appear on the screen.
• 41:17
  Eric: Anything to distract me from the pain.
• 41:21
  Eric: Just two little blanket demons.
• 41:23
  Eric: It's true.
• 41:24
  Matt: It was a grim Memorial Day weekend in this house.
• 41:29
  Matt: Uh Eric, uh, so I think I was gonna say, I think it is not necessarily a cutoff, but like at a certain point in time, once you're in a place, that becomes your new uh on your stat screen from our XP debate.
• 41:46
  Matt: That becomes your like uh hails from.
• 41:49
  Eric: I think this is like a good compromise, and it's not a perfect one, but it's a good compromise.
• 41:54
  Eric: If you spent either both elementary and middle or middle and high school in that place, you're from that place.
• 42:03
  Matt: I agree with you completely.
• 42:04
  Matt: I it doesn't have to be all three, but two.
• 42:07
  Matt: But two of the three.
• 42:09
  Matt: Yeah, I agree.
• 42:09
  Matt: Yeah.
• 42:10
  Matt: Now, what happens, Eric, if you're somebody who spent all three in different places?
• 42:15
  Eric: You're probably a drifter.
• 42:18
  Matt: I or uh a military child.
• 42:21
  Matt: Or a military child.
• 42:23
  Matt: But the I would say it would be the next time you spend those like four years, is what you're talking about, basically.
• 42:33
  Matt: Four to six years in one place, that becomes your thing.
• 42:38
  Eric: Yeah.
• 42:39
  Matt: In that situation.
• 42:40
  Eric: Yeah.
• 42:40
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 42:41
  Matt: It's not necessarily, you know, you didn't necessarily spend all your formulative years and informative years in one place, but then you it was the largest place you spent some time.
• 42:53
  Matt: So there is a certain level of formation.
• 42:56
  Eric: I feel comfortable now saying I'm from Dundalk.
• 42:58
  Eric: I've had a house here for six years.
• 43:00
  Eric: Fucking longer uh actually sorry, longer going on seven years.
• 43:04
  Matt: It'll be Yeah, yeah.
• 43:06
  Matt: You had a dark period.
• 43:08
  Matt: Yeah.
• 43:09
  Matt: Elsewhere.
• 43:10
  Matt: But then you came back.
• 43:11
  unknown: And then I came back.
• 43:12
  Matt: To the bright land of Dundalk.
• 43:14
  Eric: To the bright light of Dundalk.
• 43:15
  Eric: Or as my best friend Joey says, poop town.
• 43:20
  Matt: Well, yeah.
• 43:21
  Eric: Dundalk has a poop factory.
• 43:23
  Eric: That's not an exaggeration.
• 43:24
  Matt: It sure does.
• 43:25
  Matt: Look it up.
• 43:25
  Matt: It's very notable in the future.
• 43:27
  Matt: It's beautiful.
• 43:29
  Matt: Is it?
• 43:30
  Eric: It is.
• 43:32
  Matt: All right then.
• 43:33
  Matt: Uh so let's speak of beautiful.
• 43:36
  Matt: Why don't we move on to another question?
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 43:39
  Matt: That question is why doesn't Tarzan ever have facial hair?
• 43:44
  Matt: And such a hard hitting question can only come from one source, and that source is, of course, at Zach Deuce on Twitter.
• 43:53
  Eric: Zach E D the Oh.
• 43:59
  Matt: For me.
• 44:00
  Matt: Thank you.
• 44:00
  Eric: Go on, Matt.
• 44:01
  Eric: Give us your version.
• 44:03
  Matt: That was my version.
• 44:04
  Matt: You were providing my character work today.
• 44:06
  Eric: Oh, that's sorry.
• 44:07
  Eric: Yes.
• 44:08
  Matt: If you're going to be an aide to me, Eric, you're gonna have to stick to the bit.
• 44:13
  Matt: I will stick to the bit.
• 44:15
  Matt: Okay, so it's true, and this did kind of slap me about the face.
• 44:19
  Matt: No pun coincidence.
• 44:21
  Matt: No, yeah.
• 44:22
  Eric: It's one of those things we kind of slept on this.
• 44:24
  Eric: Can we agree on that?
• 44:25
  Eric: Like as a society, we slept on the fact the man doesn't have facial hair.
• 44:29
  Matt: And he definitely should.
• 44:31
  Matt: I mean, he's got, in most iterations, long hair or like a lock-like uncle.
• 44:38
  Eric: Or like a hairy chest.
• 44:40
  Eric: Yeah.
• 44:40
  Matt: But sometimes even that is like, and it's not like Disney Tarzan is is waxed, basically.
• 44:47
  Matt: He is pure.
• 44:49
  Matt: He is he is without fear.
• 44:52
  Matt: He but like you can't say the Disney Tarzan like hasn't gone through puberty because look at that chin.
• 45:00
  Eric: Look at that, look at that 10-pack.
• 45:03
  Matt: Look at this this tree surfer bod.
• 45:07
  Matt: Even the but even like a George of the Jungle type, who is uh you know a parody of Tarzan, he's got washboard abs that are smoothed out, not a not a speck of scruff on that chin.
• 45:22
  Eric: Exactly.
• 45:23
  Eric: No scruff, no scraggle.
• 45:25
  Eric: It's not like he like he gets it all patchy and shit.
• 45:28
  Eric: He it's clean shaven.
• 45:31
  Matt: It's clean shaven, smooth as a baby's bottom.
• 45:35
  Matt: And the man is raised by apes, which is to say, raised raised by gor yes, you're right, specifically gorillas who are covered almost entirely in hair.
• 45:53
  Matt: So they didn't teach him to shave.
• 45:55
  Eric: Yeah, they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
• 45:57
  Eric: Well, we just feel this is right for you.
• 46:00
  Matt: Yeah, no one's doing that, you know.
• 46:03
  Matt: So where did he get?
• 46:04
  Matt: Because who's how?
• 46:06
  Matt: Isn't there a monkey specifically that helped him out?
• 46:08
  Matt: Who's the Rosie O'Donnell?
• 46:09
  Eric: Yeah, the one boy Turk I was gonna Turk, the Rosie O'Donnell.
• 46:13
  Eric: Uh yes.
• 46:14
  Matt: I mean, is that all is that just the Disney or is that all Tarzan stories?
• 46:18
  Eric: I think the Rosie O'Donnell BFF might be a Disney original intellectual property.
• 46:25
  Eric: But but I know he's got amino friends.
• 46:28
  Eric: He's got he's friends with all the aminals.
• 46:30
  Matt: Maybe it's another like one of the animal like Okay, but here's Tarzan of the Apes by Edgar Rice Burroughs.
• 46:36
  Matt: It appeared in All-Star Magazine October 1912, baby, Titanics year.
• 46:44
  Matt: Just completely smooth.
• 46:46
  Matt: And we'll put this on Instagram.
• 46:48
  Matt: Yeah, all of these original images on Instagram that I'm looking at completely have him as how the Disney Tarzan looks.
• 46:59
  Matt: Like exactly.
• 47:00
  Matt: Why Kala is his ape mother, I can tell you that.
• 47:04
  Eric: Okay, that was okay.
• 47:05
  Eric: So that's so that's canon.
• 47:07
  Eric: Kerchak is his stepdad.
• 47:10
  Matt: Sure.
• 47:10
  Eric: This is the big he was the big mean one, didn't what didn't like him at first.
• 47:14
  Matt: I just am trying to see why he doesn't have and sure, he's British, technically, because he's you know, his parents were British.
• 47:25
  Matt: So like he's got the British blood, but you know, it's not like they're hairless, and he's got a ton of hair on his head.
• 47:34
  Matt: He's got he's got locks, he's got he's got the do.
• 47:38
  Matt: So really we got two options.
• 47:42
  Matt: He is completely unable to grow any kind of body hair other than like forearm hair.
• 47:51
  Matt: Yeah.
• 47:52
  Matt: Or and like presumably leg hair, but I don't even think really you see much of that.
• 47:58
  Eric: He's got like a swimmer, like he's like a fucking Michael Phelps.
• 48:02
  Matt: He's Michael Phelps with long hair.
• 48:04
  Matt: That's what he looks like.
• 48:05
  Matt: He's Michael Phelps.
• 48:06
  Eric: Big old dinner plate-sized hands, let us swim from tree to tree.
• 48:11
  Matt: Here's an up close of his of his arm there.
• 48:14
  Eric: Good god.
• 48:14
  Matt: Not a hair to be seen.
• 48:16
  Matt: Not a hair to be seen.
• 48:18
  Matt: The but meanwhile, and again on his head there, he he's got full-on Jesus hair.
• 48:25
  Eric: He's got a nice little feathered look going.
• 48:28
  Eric: I like it.
• 48:29
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 48:30
  Eric: Who is cutting his hair?
• 48:31
  Eric: Because like Nelson, that's why it's so long.
• 48:34
  Eric: But we should address the fact that like if he if he literally made it to adulthood without ever cutting his hair, it would be down to his ankles.
• 48:41
  Matt: I guess that's true.
• 48:42
  Eric: Someone is cutting his hair.
• 48:44
  Matt: It has to be him.
• 48:45
  Matt: It has to be he has to have at some point decide like he found a sharp rock and was like, let me make this shorter because it's getting the way of my spear.
• 48:56
  Eric: Maybe I don't know.
• 48:57
  Eric: Maybe like once oh, maybe okay.
• 48:59
  Eric: Here's my working theory.
• 49:00
  Eric: Tarzan is a child, right?
• 49:02
  Eric: Adolescent gorillas, they'll they'll grow their fur in and stuff pretty, pretty goddamn quickly.
• 49:07
  Eric: They're pretty sure they have a good chunk of it when they're born.
• 49:10
  Matt: Right.
• 49:11
  Eric: Baby, though, baby Nakey, baby, yeah, human baby Nakey.
• 49:16
  Eric: Yeah, human baby only have little hair.
• 49:19
  Matt: Thank you.
• 49:20
  Eric: So when human baby grow big, human babies stay, like become child.
• 49:25
  Eric: Child stay not having facial hair.
• 49:28
  Eric: But then puberty happens.
• 49:30
  Eric: I'm wondering if like the day at puberty started getting stubble, the the gorillas didn't recognize him.
• 49:38
  Eric: And maybe just started beating the shit out of him.
• 49:42
  Eric: He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, we better nip this in the butt.
• 49:45
  Eric: And just finds a sharp rock and starts scraping.
• 49:49
  Matt: That's what that's exactly what I'm saying.
• 49:51
  Matt: He he just either by necessity or annoyance made a primitive razor of some type for himself.
• 50:00
  Eric: Yeah.
• 50:01
  Matt: But wouldn't what what uh sticks in my clean shave?
• 50:06
  Matt: What sticks in my fur about that a little bit is is to say, if he thinks he's a monkey, you know, if he's raised by gorillas, wouldn't you want to assimilate?
• 50:18
  Matt: Wouldn't you want as much hair as you could possibly get?
• 50:21
  Eric: Maybe, maybe it's a counterculture thing.
• 50:24
  Eric: Maybe Tarzan got bullied by the other gorilla.
• 50:26
  Eric: They were like, You ain't got no fur.
• 50:28
  Eric: And he's like, That's right, I ain't got no fur.
• 50:31
  Eric: He's like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna fucking shit.
• 50:33
  Eric: Like, it's like his equivalent of wearing like a let like ripped jeans.
• 50:38
  Matt: And yet he keep but he keeps his uh his hair, though.
• 50:42
  Matt: Well, otherwise Tarzan head get cold.
• 50:47
  Eric: Matt.
• 50:48
  Matt: Okay.
• 50:48
  Eric: Tarzan not want head get cold.
• 50:51
  Matt: Well, I'm saying, are we painting ourselves into a corner a little bit and that he should have just shaved his head also as well?
• 50:58
  Matt: I mean Is it worth bringing up why Tarzan felt the need to cover up his gibbles and bits?
• 51:06
  Eric: Well, I mean, still God-fearing Christian.
• 51:14
  Matt: What will the alligators think?
• 51:16
  Eric: I'm just imagining him asking Kala, his mom, like, why Tarzan feel shame?
• 51:21
  Eric: Why Tarzan, why Tarzan feel unclean?
• 51:25
  Eric: No one wants to see that child.
• 51:27
  Eric: Tarzan won't be reborn.
• 51:28
  Matt: Uh well, so yeah, and then once Jane comes into the picture, she can teach him how to shave and be a proper gentleman, of course.
• 51:34
  Eric: Yeah, of course.
• 51:36
  Matt: What's she gonna teach him?
• 51:38
  Matt: She canonically she failed because he won that battle.
• 51:41
  Eric: Yeah, he won that battle.
• 51:42
  Eric: Now she, now she.
• 51:44
  Matt: Now she in the tree.
• 51:46
  Eric: Yeah.
• 51:48
  Eric: Can you imagine how fucking mad Jane would be if like she because she doesn't notice at first, she's like, oh, Tarzan, I loved you.
• 51:56
  Eric: I'm gonna live out nature, and in her head, she's going, Oh, fucking thank God.
• 52:00
  Eric: I don't have to wear the fucking corset.
• 52:02
  Eric: I don't have to wear any of this uncomfortable shit.
• 52:04
  Eric: I can just let all my fucking body hair grow out, and I don't have to care about it anymore.
• 52:08
  Eric: And then she looks at this mother, realizes this motherfucker shaves religiously.
• 52:12
  Eric: Like she's Tarzan have phobia.
• 52:16
  Eric: Oh, Tarzan can't stand hair.
• 52:18
  Eric: Tarzan, see you prefer natural look.
• 52:25
  Eric: Tarzan just becomes an asshole.
• 52:27
  Eric: Tarzan red flag.
• 52:29
  Eric: And let's take and let's let's take this moment to all my all my Tarzans, my Jane's, my collas, and Kerchaks.
• 52:34
  Eric: Don't forget Turks.
• 52:36
  Eric: And your Turks.
• 52:39
  Eric: Out of context could be a good thing.
• 52:41
  Eric: This one's for the Turks.
• 52:43
  Eric: Hold on.
• 52:44
  Matt: That sounds real bad.
• 52:46
  Eric: No, uh, this is for all the Rosie O'Donnell voiced gorillas.
• 52:50
  Matt: Creatures of the world, yes.
• 52:52
  Eric: Um, my my babies, all of you, I want you to just take a quick look.
• 52:56
  Eric: Just just look at your arms, look at your legs, look at your underarms, and realize that whatever you see there, it's beautiful.
• 53:04
  Eric: It's beautiful.
• 53:04
  Eric: To all to all the facial hair, to all the to body hair, to not having body hair, as long as you're happy, that's all that matters.
• 53:14
  Matt: Eric.
• 53:15
  Matt: A fucking men.
• 53:17
  Matt: That's all I gotta say about that.
• 53:19
  unknown: Yeah.
• 53:19
  Matt: A men to you and to Tarzan.
• 53:23
  Eric: And fucking pour one out for Tarzan.
• 53:25
  Matt: I assume pour one out for Tarzan's hair at the very least.
• 53:29
  Matt: Yeah.
• 53:30
  Matt: The beard that could never be.
• 53:33
  Matt: Yeah.
• 53:33
  Eric: That what if this is so dumb.
• 53:36
  Eric: I'm just tacking it on it because it has to be said.
• 53:38
  Matt: Oh, good.
• 53:39
  Matt: I'm I love a preamble of how dumb it's gonna be.
• 53:42
  Matt: Go ahead.
• 53:43
  Eric: I feel like so much could be explained if when like Jane and her adventuring party they first encounter Tarzan and the apes are like, oh my god, the way they the way the social structures work are incredible.
• 53:56
  SPEAKER_01: Tarzan doesn't have a hair on his body, it's so strange.
• 53:59
  SPEAKER_01: Where did all this rope come from?
• 54:01
  Eric: What?
• 54:02
  Eric: Just makes rope out of his he makes rope out of his pubes and his and his and his and his face and body area.
• 54:07
  Eric: He just makes rope.
• 54:08
  Matt: You you thought that w we both because I feel pretty confident the audience also didn't know what the fuck you were trying to get at there.
• 54:18
  Matt: Yeah.
• 54:19
  Matt: You expected us to assume that he not only grows pubes, but he shaves them off, and they are so long that he creates ropes, and I assume in your mind that's what he's swinging off of.
• 54:32
  Eric: Yeah, well, yeah, that's where all the jungle ropes come from.
• 54:35
  Matt: God, I god, I know Poach's brain inside.
• 54:39
  Matt: Eventually.
• 54:40
  Matt: Yeah, once you once you led this horse to water.
• 54:44
  Matt: Fucking once you once you led me to water, I'll drink, baby.
• 54:49
  Matt: How's there?
• 54:50
  Matt: Hair in there.
• 54:51
  Matt: Oh God.
• 54:52
  Matt: Waist not.
• 54:54
  Matt: And speaking of mythological creatures.
• 54:58
  Matt: Fragrant ropes.
• 55:00
  Matt: Stop it.
• 55:01
  Matt: I have to cut you off.
• 55:02
  Matt: Okay.
• 55:03
  Matt: Oh, why?
• 55:04
  Matt: This is stiff.
• 55:05
  Matt: Speaking of uncomfortable topics.
• 55:07
  Matt: Speaking of uncomfortable topics, Eric, we need to we need to circle back.
• 55:12
  Matt: We need to follow up.
• 55:13
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, circle back follow-up.
• 55:15
  Matt: Little circle back follow-up we got, and this uh question did come from at AJ Stiegler on Instagram.
• 55:22
  Eric: Who are we revisiting today?
• 55:24
  Matt: How would a centaur be the big spoon?
• 55:28
  Matt: Perhaps a Harry the Centaur.
• 55:30
  Matt: Circle back follow-up.
• 55:32
  Matt: And for those of you who maybe are not listening from the beginning, our very first episode, Eric, what's it called?
• 55:40
  Matt: A centaur at Panera.
• 55:42
  Matt: That titular centaur was Harry the Centaur at Panera.
• 55:47
  Matt: And in some respects, he was the first character we made that could be and is officially in contention for the mascot of Yad.
• 55:57
  Matt: And it's at this time that I feel we should remind everyone that we are on the hunt for Yad's mascot.
• 56:05
  Matt: We want to do a battle royale, a mascot madness.
• 56:10
  Eric: What do you think represents this?
• 56:13
  Matt: Yes.
• 56:14
  Matt: What do you think represents whatever it is you're listening to?
• 56:18
  Matt: And we've had some submissions so far.
• 56:21
  Matt: We've had about eight submissions, and we would love nothing more than to have a full-on mascot madness type bracket.
• 56:31
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 56:32
  Matt: And, you know, we've had some encouraging submissions.
• 56:35
  Matt: At Zach Deuce, he submitted, he went so far as to create a full-on illustration of his.
• 56:42
  Matt: The uh Against All Oddities submitted uh a nice little uh uh kind of a stock image, I think, of course.
• 56:49
  Eric: In the very episode that it came up, we invented JG Toesworth.
• 56:53
  Matt: JG Toes.
• 56:54
  Matt: Oh, he's not even on the list.
• 56:55
  Matt: I'll add him right now.
• 56:56
  Matt: We gotta go.
• 56:56
  Eric: So JG77 Toes Now.
• 56:58
  Matt: 877 Toes Now.
• 57:00
  Eric: But yes, so so Harry the Centaur is he's he's in the running, and but at the very least, he is a mascot for uncomfortable conversations.
• 57:10
  Eric: Every time Harry gets brought up, golly, is it a humdinger of a hard talk.
• 57:15
  Eric: Uh, because the first time we ever discussed him, we were discussing his pooping mechanisms.
• 57:18
  Eric: We we've discussed how he would wear jeans.
• 57:22
  Matt: We discussed his jeans at one point, yes.
• 57:25
  Matt: And now we are discussing how he would be a big the big spoon.
• 57:28
  Eric: So you've you met Harriet's uh uh Panera for lunch.
• 57:32
  Eric: He wowed you.
• 57:33
  Matt: He he wooed you right off your feet and onto his back.
• 57:37
  Eric: You took him back to your place, you got him out of those jeans somehow.
• 57:43
  Eric: Somehow.
• 57:45
  Matt: Now you've you've been into earning experience points.
• 57:50
  Eric: Been earning experience points, doing a little 4-H.
• 57:54
  Eric: And now comes the time and you're laying in post Coitus.
• 58:03
  Eric: Thank you.
• 58:07
  Eric: You're you're you're in the blissful glow of the act you have just committed.
• 58:12
  Eric: Well, let's just, gang, as a as a group, let's just massively sidestep, let's just tiptoe right over the ethical and legality of betting a centaur.
• 58:25
  Matt: That'll be a later appearance of Harry the Centaur.
• 58:28
  Eric: But here you are, average listener, you are being spooned by Harry the Centaur.
• 58:35
  Matt: Now the question is simple, Eric.
• 58:37
  Matt: You I I love the picture you painted, but at the end of the day, there are two options, I think.
• 58:43
  Eric: Okay.
• 58:44
  Eric: What are they?
• 58:45
  Matt: He's either got you know, one arm and one hoof around you, or he's got two of them horse legs draped over your person.
• 59:00
  Eric: So what's wild is that is neither of the options I imagined.
• 59:04
  Eric: What pray to hell is you option?
• 59:07
  Eric: Option one.
• 59:08
  Eric: So if we're going with the literal, like when we think of spooning, my chest to your or or my oh fuck, sorry, three options.
• 59:17
  Eric: My three options.
• 59:19
  Matt: This is fascinating.
• 59:20
  Eric: My sh so we think my torso to your back, and that's how we cuddle.
• 59:27
  Eric: Three options.
• 59:28
  Eric: Remember, we're dealing with centaur.
• 59:30
  Eric: Uh-huh.
• 59:31
  Eric: Uh well, sorry, in the traditional sense, two options.
• 59:34
  SPEAKER_01: Didn't I just fucking say that?
• 59:36
  Eric: No, no, no.
• 59:37
  Eric: I'm option one.
• 59:39
  Eric: Okay, option one.
• 59:40
  Eric: He wraps his human arms around you and lifts you bodily off the ground.
• 59:46
  Eric: You just dangle like a sack of potatoes, and like while he just because some so you know, horses, they'll sleep standing up.
• 59:52
  Matt: Sure.
• 59:53
  Matt: Okay.
• 59:54
  Eric: So he just he just kind of grips you in a death grip while while it's you're held like a teddy bear.
• 1:00:02
  Matt: Well, he's he's nodded off, and you're dangling like cirque de sole up there.
• 1:00:10
  Matt: That's that's that's comedy.
• 1:00:15
  Matt: So fucking.
• 1:00:18
  Eric: Dangle like a sack of potatoes.
• 1:00:21
  Eric: Option two, or you get option two is you get spooned with the horse portion, which is which is he does he does that kneeling laying down thing.
• 1:00:31
  Eric: So you lay flat on the ground and he incomp he encases you.
• 1:00:36
  Eric: He basically cocoons you under his horse body without somehow crushing you to death.
• 1:00:42
  Matt: Right.
• 1:00:42
  Matt: Okay, so yeah, so both of those options are like the vertical options of the the ones I was painting, because you're assuming that a centaur still cannot lay down like uh like be like his human half can.
• 1:01:00
  Matt: Correct.
• 1:01:02
  Matt: That's a fair assumption, I think.
• 1:01:04
  Matt: Like, because I know horses, they'll lay down, but like with their like legs folded under them, not like on their side.
• 1:01:12
  Matt: I don't think they can lay on their sides.
• 1:01:13
  Eric: They're not they also just spend significant time sleeping, just standing up.
• 1:01:17
  Matt: Yeah, I know.
• 1:01:17
  Matt: I'm I I that's what I'm saying.
• 1:01:19
  Matt: So I think Harry would be most would be most comfortable what you said, like with his arms gripped around you, just casing you swayed there.
• 1:01:33
  Matt: And God forbid he he does the centaur equivalent of roll over and like stretch his lines.
• 1:01:41
  Matt: You'll fall six feet to the ground.
• 1:01:44
  Matt: However tall centaur is gonna be.
• 1:01:49
  Matt: Oh god, yeah, you survived the night.
• 1:01:52
  Matt: Forget what you earned betting him.
• 1:01:55
  Matt: Yes, the what you earn, what you earn from surviving pillow talk is where the real experience points us.
• 1:02:02
  Eric: There is a third option, maybe even potentially a fourth, depending on how we're feeling.
• 1:02:08
  Eric: Uh now, now, granted, the the first two options I presented, that is assuming the traditional spooning zeitgeist.
• 1:02:15
  Matt: Uh-huh.
• 1:02:15
  Eric: Uh in that my chest to your back.
• 1:02:18
  Eric: I think spooning, your big spoon.
• 1:02:21
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:02:21
  Eric: I think there is a it is an emotional sort of act, and that the emotion of that act is, hey, I got you.
• 1:02:32
  unknown: Sure.
• 1:02:33
  Eric: Like, I'm here.
• 1:02:33
  Eric: I'm your I'm I'm gonna keep you, I'm gonna keep you safe.
• 1:02:36
  Matt: Yeah, that's clear.
• 1:02:38
  Eric: To that end, this might be controversial.
• 1:02:40
  Eric: I believe a possible spooning position for a centaur is with you sleeping on his back, because that is the most a centaur can like have you.
• 1:02:50
  Eric: You are riding him like a horse.
• 1:02:53
  Matt: I still think that puts you on the outside, which is the big spoon position.
• 1:02:58
  Eric: Physiologically in the big, but we you and Gary both know that he that you are being lit like you've been raised up.
• 1:03:08
  Matt: I don't know.
• 1:03:09
  Matt: I think that's how you big spoon a centaur.
• 1:03:12
  Eric: Okay.
• 1:03:12
  Matt: That's how I'd say you big spoon a centaur.
• 1:03:15
  Matt: You lay on over, you drape yourself over him.
• 1:03:18
  Eric: Okay.
• 1:03:19
  Eric: Then fourth option potentially.
• 1:03:21
  Eric: Okay.
• 1:03:21
  Eric: This is arguably probably the most uncomfortable position for Harry, but still doable, I think.
• 1:03:29
  Eric: He lays entirely on his back, both backs.
• 1:03:32
  Matt: No.
• 1:03:33
  Matt: No, wait, wait.
• 1:03:34
  Matt: Horses can't do that.
• 1:03:35
  Eric: His legs in the air.
• 1:03:37
  Eric: Horses can lay on their back, legs in the air, and you just kind of nestle in there like it's a nest, like a nest of horse leg.
• 1:03:45
  Eric: Oh god.
• 1:03:46
  Eric: Yeah, I didn't say it'd be great for either, but it is an option.
• 1:03:50
  Matt: I don't think, I don't think anyone wants that.
• 1:03:52
  Eric: All right.
• 1:03:53
  Matt: I think, first of all, I think the centaur does what the centaur wants to do.
• 1:03:57
  Matt: And I think that'll be what's most comfortable for him.
• 1:04:00
  Matt: And I think that's one of the first two options.
• 1:04:02
  Matt: Either he's like kneeling down and correct you know, and enveloping you in into his arms, or he's sleeping standing up, which is certainly how he'd prefer to do it, and he's just got you gripped there.
• 1:04:17
  Eric: I I'm leaning towards sack of potatoes method.
• 1:04:20
  Matt: I'm I'm leaning towards it because it's it's what if he okay, so he's like he's like lay in traditional horse laying arrangement.
• 1:04:33
  Matt: Arrangement with his thank you, with his legs like kind of folded under him.
• 1:04:37
  Matt: But because he's a centaur, he works a little bit different.
• 1:04:40
  Matt: He's he can he can kind of nestle you between the front two legs.
• 1:04:45
  Eric: Okay.
• 1:04:46
  Matt: Does that work?
• 1:04:47
  Matt: Is that something?
• 1:04:48
  Matt: Uh it works in the- And he places his hands on your head because he's got to do something.
• 1:04:52
  Eric: I was gonna say the the the top part needs to be doing something.
• 1:04:56
  Matt: Yeah, the hands are just kind of on the cranium, just like, well, let me put this.
• 1:05:01
  Matt: He's sleeping on you like you're a desk.
• 1:05:03
  Matt: He's he can't get out.
• 1:05:05
  Matt: Well, hold on.
• 1:05:06
  Eric: He can lean bending over you and using your mind's eye.
• 1:05:11
  Eric: Here we are.
• 1:05:12
  Matt: Here we are, bending over the ground.
• 1:05:13
  Eric: He's kneeling on the ground.
• 1:05:14
  Eric: Yeah, he just kind of slumps over you like you're like like Yeah.
• 1:05:19
  Matt: Yeah, I think that's cute.
• 1:05:21
  Matt: I think that's I think that's cute.
• 1:05:23
  Matt: That's a nice that's the nice way.
• 1:05:25
  Eric: That's good.
• 1:05:25
  Eric: There it is.
• 1:05:26
  Eric: We found it.
• 1:05:27
  Matt: There, there it is.
• 1:05:28
  Matt: And honestly, not a second too soon because I can oh thank God Eric has thought of another hilarious bit.
• 1:05:38
  Eric: I hope he I hope I would assume Go ahead.
• 1:05:43
  Eric: I'm just imagining what if you make him laugh.
• 1:05:46
  Eric: What if he can't bend down that far?
• 1:05:48
  Eric: So, like, all it is you nestle between those front legs, and at one point you roll over your in your sleep in the middle of the night, and when you open your eyes, all you see is Harry's unconscious body dangling above.
• 1:06:02
  Matt: Man, that is so fun.
• 1:06:07
  Matt: Hold on, because what is the average?
• 1:06:09
  Matt: I know centaurs sleep with their eyes open.
• 1:06:12
  Matt: Got to.
• 1:06:13
  Matt: Gotta be real.
• 1:06:14
  Matt: We gotta keep them on a fucking swivel.
• 1:06:17
  Matt: Yeah, got to.
• 1:06:19
  Matt: When you're a centaur, you gotta be prepared at all times.
• 1:06:22
  Matt: Oh my god, you gotta be ready to fight everyone.
• 1:06:25
  Matt: Oh no.
• 1:06:26
  Matt: Okay.
• 1:06:26
  Matt: I want you to know on the way to me Googling average height of centaur.
• 1:06:32
  Matt: Ooh, there's a lot of problematic things that popped up.
• 1:06:35
  Matt: Okay, it does say centaurs stand between six and seven feet tall with their equine bodies reaching about four feet at the withers.
• 1:06:45
  SPEAKER_01: I don't, man.
• 1:06:47
  Matt: And that is love to see their mass.
• 1:06:49
  Matt: That's from Skull SplitterDice.com.
• 1:06:53
  Matt: That's what nice that's what pops up as the uh the you know the Google answer.
• 1:06:59
  Matt: Um I always thought at least seven feet tall because they're just at a fucking minimum.
• 1:07:05
  Eric: Yeah, I think at a minimum.
• 1:07:06
  Eric: When I rode horses, the hor granted they were draft horses, they were taller than me.
• 1:07:12
  Eric: Also, Matt, fun fact, uh tell me and that they were normal horses and they were taller than me.
• 1:07:17
  Eric: But fun fact also, I'm 19 hands tall.
• 1:07:22
  Matt: Are you?
• 1:07:24
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:07:25
  Matt: What would be your horse name?
• 1:07:27
  Matt: What am I betting on for the Oh man?
• 1:07:31
  Eric: Uh what would my horse not my centaur name, but if I was a horse.
• 1:07:36
  Matt: No, if you were just a horse.
• 1:07:37
  Eric: Okay.
• 1:07:38
  Matt: There he is coming around the the the final turn here, Preakness, and it's uh uh didn't see that coming.
• 1:07:49
  Matt: It's didn't see that coming.
• 1:07:50
  Matt: It's a good didn't see that coming.
• 1:07:53
  Matt: That's that's a good fucking horse name.
• 1:07:55
  Matt: I definitely put money on didn't didn't see that coming.
• 1:07:58
  Eric: What's uh uh what uh this this past where like my folks watched the Kentucky Derby, the one horse name I saw that I really did like was they named a horse and the winner is.
• 1:08:11
  Matt: It wasn't the best crop in the and then in Preakness there's only like six horses, so not a lot to choose from there.
• 1:08:18
  Matt: I like what would your horse what would your horse name be, Doug?
• 1:08:21
  Matt: What would my horse name be?
• 1:08:22
  Matt: That's a good question that I asked you.
• 1:08:23
  Matt: Should have been prepared to receive in return.
• 1:08:27
  Matt: Oh, probably something like um coming round the bend, it's Matt.
• 1:08:34
  Matt: The horse.
• 1:08:35
  Matt: You know, I did Matt the horse.
• 1:08:38
  Eric: Matt Matical.
• 1:08:40
  Matt: Because there's like two versions of horse names.
• 1:08:42
  Matt: There's either the like secretariat version, the like regal version.
• 1:08:46
  Matt: Oh, yeah.
• 1:08:46
  Eric: American Pharaoh, like American Pharaoh, you know, God's dick.
• 1:08:55
  Matt: Oh man, hold on.
• 1:08:56
  Matt: I'm gonna look up some horse names that are racing like right right now.
• 1:09:00
  Matt: This completely, completely unnecessary.
• 1:09:05
  Matt: I just picked a random thing at what's happening at Churchill Downs right now.
• 1:09:09
  Matt: We got Camp Hope, we've got Gray's Fable, and then I gotta love this one, Hozier.
• 1:09:16
  Eric: Hosier.
• 1:09:18
  Matt: The singer-songwriter, I assume.
• 1:09:20
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:09:20
  Matt: And then we have Gray's Creek, spelled totally different.
• 1:09:24
  Matt: But then here are two good horse names.
• 1:09:27
  Matt: Play Action Pass.
• 1:09:29
  Matt: That's one horse.
• 1:09:31
  Matt: Oh, wow.
• 1:09:32
  Matt: Okay, yeah.
• 1:09:33
  Matt: Followed by Gentle Soul.
• 1:09:36
  Matt: Ooh.
• 1:09:38
  Matt: Ooh, I would I I think a strong candidate for my horse name would be Old Soul.
• 1:09:43
  Eric: Old Soul would be very good for you.
• 1:09:46
  Eric: Also, any Billy Joel reference.
• 1:09:48
  Eric: Oh, you know it'd be good.
• 1:09:50
  Eric: Here comes piano man.
• 1:09:52
  Matt: Here'd be a good one.
• 1:09:53
  Matt: Coming around the bend, here is two in the bush.
• 1:09:55
  Eric: Two in the bush!
• 1:09:57
  Matt: Fucking didn't see that coming and two in the bush.
• 1:10:00
  Matt: It's neck and neck between didn't see that coming and two in the bush.
• 1:10:03
  Eric: Oh, that's perfection.
• 1:10:06
  Matt: And that, my good friends, will do it for episode 67 here of You Didn't Ask for This.
• 1:10:13
  Matt: You didn't ask for this.
• 1:10:14
  Matt: Uh not the best horse name.
• 1:10:16
  Matt: It doesn't work as well.
• 1:10:19
  Matt: Didn't ask for this.
• 1:10:20
  Matt: Uh I'd bet on it.
• 1:10:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'd bet on it.
• 1:10:22
  Matt: Uh listen to me.
• 1:10:24
  Matt: With what remains of the dimming power of my voice, we need your questions, folks.
• 1:10:31
  Matt: So go ahead and submit them to us at you didn't ask for this at gmail.com.
• 1:10:34
  Matt: That's all spelled out, or you didn't ask pod.
• 1:10:37
  Matt: That's the letter you didn't ask pod on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube.
• 1:10:41
  Matt: Just pretty much everywhere it's the same username.
• 1:10:44
  Matt: You can DM them to us.
• 1:10:45
  Matt: You can comment them.
• 1:10:47
  Matt: Do it, retweet them, tweet them, and comment on good pods.
• 1:10:52
  Matt: Listen to us on good pods.
• 1:10:54
  Matt: Get us up the ratings.
• 1:10:57
  Matt: Uh we Eric, pretty soon we're gonna have to do a check-in with our uh our bingo cards because one of those bingo cards is to make sure we get to the top five, I believe, of the good pods charts.
• 1:11:11
  Matt: Any old chart will do, really.
• 1:11:12
  Eric: Uh we've also been getting a lot of messages, mostly about celebrity downfalls.
• 1:11:17
  Eric: So we've the the ground is fertile.
• 1:11:19
  Matt: Fertile to check in to see what the what the what the board looks like.
• 1:11:23
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 1:11:24
  Matt: And of course, you can leave us a voicemail on the thought line at 410-929-5329.
• 1:11:33
  Matt: And uh, yeah, we'll play your message on the show.
• 1:11:36
  Matt: And any other fodder you want us to have.
• 1:11:39
  Matt: Local legends.
• 1:11:40
  Matt: Uncomfortable centaur questions, neighborhood watch fight fodder.
• 1:11:51
  Matt: Whatever you want to give us.
• 1:11:52
  Matt: Yeah, we will we we will accept.
• 1:11:56
  Matt: Oh man.
• 1:11:57
  Eric: Matt is currently dressed in rags.
• 1:12:00
  Matt: So yes, so I do think my voice is literally giving out, and we are recording another episode in two days' time.
• 1:12:10
  Matt: Three days' time.
• 1:12:11
  Matt: So I have to uh I gotta rest up, folks, because uh that's gonna be a good one.
• 1:12:15
  Matt: Got a special guest coming your way.
• 1:12:17
  Matt: So, Eric, did I miss anything with the business?
• 1:12:21
  Eric: No, but Matt, you gave them the business so good and in your condition.
• 1:12:26
  Eric: In my condition.
• 1:12:27
  Matt: With my ailment.
• 1:12:31
  SPEAKER_01: With both your marbles still right in the wreck.
• 1:12:35
  Matt: Still even the one that fell right on out there.
• 1:12:38
  SPEAKER_01: Pop it right back in.
• 1:12:40
  Matt: Well then on that note, my friends, that'll about do it.
• 1:12:43
  Matt: Uh my name is I almost forgot what it was, but it is still is and remains Matt Shay.
• 1:12:50
  Eric: My name is, was, probably still be Eric Poach.
• 1:12:57
  Eric: And listen, you didn't ask.
• 1:12:59
  Eric: But hey gang, I know we talked a lot about human centaur um uh relations.
• 1:13:08
  Eric: Love making.
• 1:13:09
  Eric: Yes.
• 1:13:10
  Eric: Um, and just please be aware that if you if you ever feel the impulse to make sweet, sweet love to a centaur, know that that is uh ethically and morally dubious at best.
• 1:13:21
  Eric: Um and that there is a resource for you.
• 1:13:24
  Eric: It's www.baddragon.com.
• 1:13:29
  Eric: Is that a real website?
• 1:13:31
  Eric: Do you know what bad dragon is?
• 1:13:33
  Matt: Uh I don't.
• 1:13:35
  Matt: Do I need to turn on a safe search before I do this?
• 1:13:38
  Eric: I don't think anything will show up if you have safe search on, but just Google Bad Dragon.
• 1:13:42
  Matt: Bad Dragon.
• 1:13:44
  Eric: Make sure you're leaning into the mic.
• 1:13:47
  Matt: Okay, so bad hyphen dragon.com?
• 1:13:50
  Eric: Bad space dragon.
• 1:13:51
  Matt: Well, there can't be a space in a URL, buddy.
• 1:13:54
  Eric: Okay, well then it's probably bad hyphen dragon.
• 1:13:56
  Matt: Well, that's what came up.
• 1:13:57
  Matt: I'm gonna click the link.
• 1:13:58
  Matt: Okay, click see featured.
• 1:14:01
  Eric: I love that I'm here for this.
• 1:14:03
  Eric: I'm so great.
• 1:14:07
  Eric: Why your local bad dragon air the Kaitel.
• 1:14:13
  Eric: And it's not just Bad Dragon.
• 1:14:15
  Eric: I've actually heard a couple things about their shady business practices, so you could probably find something similar to Etsy.
• 1:14:21
  Eric: Oh, good.
• 1:14:22
  Matt: Tag yourself, Matthew.
• 1:14:23
  Matt: New to Bad Dragon.
• 1:14:25
  Matt: Oh God, this is look at them all.
• 1:14:28
  Matt: Look at all these options.
• 1:14:30
  Eric: Dude, I don't even happy Pride Month to all.
• 1:14:34
  Matt: Oh my goodness.