Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #905 Are Winners Grinners?

Transcript

#905 Are Winners Grinners? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
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  Speaker 2: once answers now, Okay.
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  Speaker 3: Every Friday on the Happy Families Podcast, we talk about.
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  Speaker 1: The stuff that we're doing and the stuff that we're
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  Speaker 1: doing wrong. In I'll dobed it tomorrow.
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  Speaker 3: This podcast episode is really about how we nail lot
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  Speaker 3: or fail it as parents and how we can be
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  Speaker 3: more intentional in our parenting. Kylie, we're getting close to Christmas.
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  Speaker 3: Things are slowing down or speeding up. I guess depends
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  Speaker 3: on how you look at it, but certainly from a
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  Speaker 3: work point of view, things are slowing down. We are
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  Speaker 3: fortunate that we're getting to spend a little bit more
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  Speaker 3: time together as family. And in my old debt it tomorrow,
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  Speaker 3: I'm going to go first. By the way, is that okay?
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  Speaker 2: I'm sorry, I'm a little bit distracted. Do you know
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  Speaker 2: Lily has been playing with my computer right, and she's
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  Speaker 2: put a screensaber on it and it's just coming up
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  Speaker 2: with the most amazing photos.
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  Speaker 1: Right, Okay, Well, you need to close that.
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  Speaker 2: I don't want to. I know I should, but I
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  Speaker 2: don't want.
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  Speaker 1: To try to have a coverson try to record a
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  Speaker 1: podcast here.
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  Speaker 2: All of these gorgeous pictures that I haven't seen.
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  Speaker 3: For you, Okay, stop indulging for just to say, all right,
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  Speaker 3: thank you, I appreciate it. Okay, So I'm going to
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  Speaker 3: go first, okay, and I'm going to I'm with you.
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  Speaker 3: My ill do Better Tomorrow is actually complete that you're
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  Speaker 3: not even listening to me.
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  Speaker 2: I'm doing.
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  Speaker 3: I'm literally doing a podcast anyway at the computer. My
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  Speaker 3: old do Better Tomorrow is well, I think it's a question.
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  Speaker 3: I don't know that it's I want to be more intentional.
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  Speaker 3: I want to get this right. So over the last
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  Speaker 3: week or so, I've been really making an effort to
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  Speaker 3: do something that I don't like doing much of, and
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  Speaker 3: that's play games with the kids. I like to be active,
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  Speaker 3: Like if you give me the choice board games or
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  Speaker 3: a walk, board games or a swim, any games at
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  Speaker 3: all in the house versus being outside and being active.
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  Speaker 3: I'm going outside every single time. I don't want to
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  Speaker 3: be inside. I want to be moving my body. Sitting
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  Speaker 3: at the table and playing a game boring for me, right,
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  Speaker 3: just I don't love it. But I've been working really
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  Speaker 3: hard on spending some time inside with the kids playing
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  Speaker 3: some games when we can't be outside for whatever reason,
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  Speaker 3: and I want to share a couple of experiences with you.
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  Speaker 2: I'm just going to point out that both experience says
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  Speaker 2: are valid and on.
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  Speaker 1: Courting, not arguing otherwise, I just don't like board games.
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  Speaker 2: I'd rather be outside.
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  Speaker 3: It's just my preference, Okay.
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  Speaker 2: Is that because if you don't win, you get upset.
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  Speaker 1: Well, the thing is I do win, and that's what
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  Speaker 1: I want to talk to you about.
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  Speaker 3: So the other day I was playing Monopoly, which is
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  Speaker 3: the world's longest game, but I was playing with which
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  Speaker 3: is why.
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  Speaker 2: I do not play it. I don't know if you've noticed,
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  Speaker 2: but the games that I choose don't last very long.
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  Speaker 3: So I'm playing Monopoly with Emily, our nine year old,
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  Speaker 3: and her cousin who is I know nine or ten
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  Speaker 3: as well, Oakley, and I destroyed them like I owned,
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  Speaker 3: you know, the two brown ones just after go I
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  Speaker 3: owned both of those.
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  Speaker 2: Plus I owned the three blue ones. So here's the
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  Speaker 2: funny thing. You're not playing. Emily owns the board, and
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  Speaker 2: then I also owned. Emily owns the board. She completely
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  Speaker 2: smashes her brother in law. She smashed Ella to the
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  Speaker 2: point where they won't even finish the game.
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  Speaker 1: Well, well, this is what happened.
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  Speaker 3: So not only did I own the first row, but
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  Speaker 3: I as signed all the orange, plus I owned the
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  Speaker 3: red and the yellow as you go from free parking
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  Speaker 3: to jail, and I also owned the green ones. She
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  Speaker 3: managed to get the two blue ones at the very end.
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  Speaker 2: We're playing around the blue ones like park Road, park.
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  Speaker 3: Land and Mayfair if you're playing the English version, but
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  Speaker 3: we're playing the Australian one, so it's Orange and Sydney
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  Speaker 3: Harbor regardless.
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  Speaker 2: So it's the most expensive one totally.
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  Speaker 1: So she had them. But I just owned everything.
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  Speaker 3: And Oakley had never played before, so she had no
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  Speaker 3: idea what d goodness, But I had hotels everywhere, like
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  Speaker 3: I just I was and she wouldn't finish the game.
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  Speaker 2: She walked away. Who wouldn't finish.
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  Speaker 3: The Emily Oakley was bored after about twenty minutes, but
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  Speaker 3: Emily really wanted to play till I started decimating everyone
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  Speaker 3: and like, I mean, I'm playing Monopoly, I'm playing to win,
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  Speaker 3: That's my point. And so anyway, there was that, and
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  Speaker 3: then a couple of nights later, just the other night,
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  Speaker 3: actually I was playing chess and again I just I
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  Speaker 3: destroyed it, like she's done chess club and she actually
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  Speaker 3: plays chess reason well, and I wasn't really concentrating, but
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  Speaker 3: I still I mean, I blasted her and she's surrendered,
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  Speaker 3: and she was a bit cranky about it.
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  Speaker 2: And then I started playing checkers.
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  Speaker 3: She's never played checkers before, so I was teaching how
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  Speaker 3: to play checkers, and once again, I mean, she's never
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  Speaker 3: played it right, and she's playing against me. I'm nearly
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  Speaker 3: fifty years old. I've got a lifetime of playing checkers
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  Speaker 3: and chess, and I obliterated her. And I'm just trying
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  Speaker 3: to work out is it wrong that I'm destroying my
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  Speaker 3: nine year old always going to play a game because
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  Speaker 3: because I think she's having fun, and I know I'm
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  Speaker 3: having fun, Like I love winning, I don't care who
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  Speaker 3: it's against.
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  Speaker 2: It's a pretty low bar if you're winning against your
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  Speaker 2: nine year old. I'm just saying, but.
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  Speaker 3: A win's a win, right, I mean, nobody if you
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  Speaker 3: just look at the score.
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  Speaker 2: Like you're playing against a.
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  Speaker 3: Nine year old, people just look at the scoreboard. They
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  Speaker 3: don't ask her you were against, they don't ask how
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  Speaker 3: close it was. It was just did you win or
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  Speaker 3: did you not win? And I'm winning and I'm trying
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  Speaker 3: to work out, Like my dad didn't never have any
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  Speaker 3: mercy on me. So when I when I finally beat him,
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  Speaker 3: I knew that i'd beaten him. Whether it was wrestling,
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  Speaker 3: or whether it was surfing or doing anything outdoors or
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  Speaker 3: even anything indoors. If I won, I legitimately won, and
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  Speaker 3: it felt so good when I finally beat him.
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  Speaker 2: So I don't think. I don't think they're a number one.
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  Speaker 2: I don't think there's a right or wrong. I think
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  Speaker 2: that's the wrong words to be using.
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  Speaker 3: I want to ask you a question before you even
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  Speaker 3: finish your answer. When you're playing games with the kids,
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  Speaker 3: do you try to beat them, like if we're playing
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  Speaker 3: Cover your Assets or I'm just.
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  Speaker 2: Playing the game. I don't have the same competitive nature
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  Speaker 2: as you guys do. I often win, right, But I
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  Speaker 2: think it's in the way we do it. So I
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  Speaker 2: often won't play with you because I just feel like
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  Speaker 2: you're rubbing it in my face.
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  Speaker 3: Well when I say die your face, that's just how
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  Speaker 3: you play the game.
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  Speaker 2: So for me, who's a little bit more sensitive in nature,
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  Speaker 2: I struggle with that tactic. I don't have a problem
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  Speaker 2: with us playing like for real, and I think that
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  Speaker 2: what I noticed with you as you were playing checkers
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  Speaker 2: with Emily, was you were verbalized everything you were doing
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  Speaker 2: so she could learn alongside with you. Yeah, you don't
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  Speaker 2: learn by just reading the manual or reading the rules.
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  Speaker 2: You actually learn as you process things. And so I
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  Speaker 2: was really impressed because you obviously have acknowledged that she
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  Speaker 2: was a little bit upset about not winning, but she
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  Speaker 2: was also taking in everything you were saying, and it
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  Speaker 2: improved her game as she went.
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  Speaker 3: Even with chess, she'd go to move something, I'd say,
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  Speaker 3: if you do that, just be mindful. There's going to
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  Speaker 3: be consequences. I wonder if you can see what the
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  Speaker 3: consequences are or Like, I'm really verbal and definitely focused
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  Speaker 3: on teaching, but sometimes I think, just just play the
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  Speaker 3: game and have fun as well. Anyway, that's my older
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  Speaker 3: better tomorrow, I bought games decimating the kids. I don't
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  Speaker 3: know if it's right or wrong, but I'm having a
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  Speaker 3: lot of fun with it.
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  Speaker 2: And that's the only way you play.
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  Speaker 1: That's the only way I play.
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  Speaker 3: Play hard or go home. Yeah, yeah, so what's your
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  Speaker 3: odd abut tomorrow?
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  Speaker 2: This week, I had a really beautiful experience. Earlier in
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  Speaker 2: the week, a friend of mine came over for a
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  Speaker 2: visit to check in on me and see how we're
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  Speaker 2: all going. And we went and spent some time on
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  Speaker 2: the beach and we're able to just kind of talk
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  Speaker 2: about the events of the last few weeks and you know,
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  Speaker 2: kind of just do a bit of a debrief. And
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: she shared some really really beautiful things with me in
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  Speaker 2: relation to your post about Logan's passing.
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  Speaker 3: So just some background for those who missed it on Facebook,
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  Speaker 3: I shared something about my nephew dying. We talked a
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  Speaker 3: bit about suicide in that post, and it ended up
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  Speaker 3: not that I did it. I mean, in some ways
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  Speaker 3: I did it for each, because we want to help people,
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  Speaker 3: but I did it for each in a way that
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  Speaker 3: I don't normally write it. So normally everything we put
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  Speaker 3: on social media is about reaching lots of people for
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  Speaker 3: I don't know, for happy families reasons, whereas this one
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  Speaker 3: was different. This was let's reach people because this subject
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  Speaker 3: matters like it was a totally different thing, and we
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  Speaker 3: reached like three million people, So she was obviously one
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  Speaker 3: of the people that were reached.
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  Speaker 2: Well, she doesn't even have social media, so she got
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  Speaker 2: a phone call from a friend who said, I'm not
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  Speaker 2: sure if you're aware, but this has just happened. And
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  Speaker 2: she was able to reach the post via her friend
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  Speaker 2: and it had such a profound impact on her that
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  Speaker 2: she literally walked into her son's room she's been really,
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  Speaker 2: really struggling with lately. He is sixteen, right in the
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  Speaker 2: middle of that tricky stage of teenage years, and she
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  Speaker 2: just grabbed him to a big bear hug and he
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  Speaker 2: kind of was like she just said, he was like
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  Speaker 2: a surfboard. He was just completely stiff and was like,
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  Speaker 2: what is going on? He was like all right, Mum, okay, mum,
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  Speaker 2: all right, okay, and she just couldn't let go, and
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  Speaker 2: so she finally did let go and they were able
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: to sit down and have a conversation and she actually
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  Speaker 2: shared with him the post. He got to read it
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  Speaker 2: and he was visibly shaken by the things that he read,
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  Speaker 2: and he looked at her and he said, are you
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  Speaker 2: worried about me? And he's a kid who's been struggling
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  Speaker 2: with his own mental illness challenges and they were able
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: to have had, for the very first time, have an open
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: dialogue around what that looks like. And as she sat there,
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: it was probably for her the first time that she
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: was able to take his perspective, and she talked about
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  Speaker 2: all of the little things that had driven her crazy,
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  Speaker 2: like the twelve coffee mugs that are sitting on his
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  Speaker 2: bedside table because he takes a drink into his room
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  Speaker 2: and doesn't bring it out.
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  Speaker 3: As soon as you say that, I think of what
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  Speaker 3: I shared last week from my sister and her funeral
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  Speaker 3: speech about Logan and how she would deal with that
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  Speaker 3: every day for the rest of her life if she
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  Speaker 3: could have her boy with that again.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, And so I was able to share that with
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  Speaker 2: her as well, and we kind of had a conversation
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  Speaker 2: and she just said, as she read that post, she
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  Speaker 2: sat there and thought, how would I feel if that
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  Speaker 2: was me in your sister's place? And she knew that
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  Speaker 2: no matter what was going on, that she couldn't think
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  Speaker 2: of life without her son. And just as a result
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  Speaker 2: of that reframing, she was able to sit in that
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  Speaker 2: place and look at life from her son's perspective and
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  Speaker 2: recognize that for him, all he sees is his mum
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  Speaker 2: who's constantly nagging him, you know, constantly at him because
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  Speaker 2: he's not doing things. They had a conversation a few
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  Speaker 2: weeks earlier and it had got really really intense, and
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  Speaker 2: he just said, you're so perfect. You think you're so perfect,
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  Speaker 2: and I can't win, Like there's nothing that I can
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  Speaker 2: do to kind of match where you are in life.
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  Speaker 2: And she kind of remembered that and just sat there
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  Speaker 2: and verbalized with him again for the first time, verbalized
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  Speaker 2: what she perceived was his perception of her as a
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  Speaker 2: result of her actions. And at the end of the
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  Speaker 2: conversation he looked at her and he was a little
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  Speaker 2: bit bewildered and he just said, thanks, thanks, mom for
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  Speaker 2: seeing see life from my perspective, Like she got it,
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: and he realized that she got it for the first time.
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  Speaker 2: And she just said that one post has literally transformed
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  Speaker 2: her home in that one moment, that recognition that as
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  Speaker 2: a parent, if we can sit in a place of
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  Speaker 2: compassion for our children instead of that place that so
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  Speaker 2: often takes over because we're just so frustrated our kids,
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  Speaker 2: Like if we talk about it from raw truth, they
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  Speaker 2: can be so inconvenient to our peace and pleasure in life.
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  Speaker 2: They get in the way, they're messy, they're noisy, and
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  Speaker 2: all of the other things, and we get so focused
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  Speaker 2: on that. But if we can sit in that place
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: of compassion and actually see life from them. I think
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  Speaker 2: about all of the struggles that we are experiencing as
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  Speaker 2: adults and how hard it is for us to navigate that,
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  Speaker 2: and we've had life experience and years of knowledge accumulating
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  Speaker 2: to work through that. Our kids don't have that yet,
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: and yet we're asking them to deal with life gracefully
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  Speaker 2: in spite of the fact that we're still struggling.
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  Speaker 3: We've got to help our our plates on, let alone them.
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  Speaker 3: This is the best story that you could have shared
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  Speaker 3: with This is why I wrote the post, because I
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: wanted to help families to connect, and you're sharing that.
• 12:19
  Speaker 3: It's just beautiful. When I wrote misconnection while your teenage
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: daughter hates you expects the world needs to talk. I
• 12:25
  Speaker 3: asked the girls what they most wanted from their parents.
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: That was one of the questions that I asked, and
• 12:31
  Speaker 3: the overwhelming response was just one word, listen.
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  Speaker 1: It's something to listen.
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: And when I hear the story that you've just shared,
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: so much better than my wiping the board with a
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: monopoly plate kind of thing. Such a good story. When
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: I hear you share that, I just think this is
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: what the podcast is for. This what happy Family's website
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: is for this what the book's are for. It's to
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: bring families together and to help kids and parents communicate
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: in ways that are helpful rather than hurtful because we
• 12:57
  Speaker 3: just get it wrong so much. I'm so glad you
• 13:00
  Speaker 3: shared that. We really hope that this older Better Tomorrow
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: has inspired you to have a better weekend and a
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: great week with your family. As we get closer to Christmas,
• 13:10
  Speaker 3: we hope that you get to do better tomorrow. The
• 13:13
  Speaker 3: Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Rowland for Bridge Media.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: Craig Bruce is our executive producer.
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: If you'd like more and fo about making your family happier,
• 13:20
  Speaker 3: please visit us at Happy Families dot com dot au
• 13:23
  Speaker 3: and become a member today. Our brand new membership kicks
• 13:26
  Speaker 3: off next year and it is going to be all
• 13:28
  Speaker 3: about your family quest for happiness. We think that you
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: will be blown away with the resources, the support, and
• 13:37
  Speaker 3: the way that we can help. Thanks for listening, Have
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: a great weekend.