Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 362. Slaying Single at any age, in any season

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362. Slaying Single at any age, in any season · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:13
  Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the episode of Today.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: So this episode is a part to my og episode
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: Slaying Single. This is like I think it was episode
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: twelve or something like early days that I made this episode.
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: So after you listen to this, I would highly recommend
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: if you can be fucked to go and check out
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: Slaying Single, the original episode, because it is a really
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: interesting I listened back to it and I found it
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: really interesting how I spoke when I was single, and
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: I'm actually quite happy with where my head was at
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: when I was single before meeting Tyrone, because it's exactly
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: where I want a lot of you guys and your
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: heads to be at as well, to the extent that
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: I was genuine at a place where I was like,
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: unless I find my person where I feel like we
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: can both add to each other's lives, I just don't
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: see the need to be in a relationship. And I
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: understand that we all value things differently, but one important
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: thing to note is that you can't control the timeline
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: of when you're going to enter a relationship that is
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: not within your control. Okay, So to put so much
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: of your happiness and your feelings of I'm good enough
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: and your feelings like you've achieved enough in your life
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: in something that is fifty percent up to somebody else,
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: the person that you'll be dating, is I feel like
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: a recipe to make you feel dissatisfied with your life.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: I think that while certain things might not be fair,
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: we've got to learn to navigate life with what we've
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: got and make the best out of it. Okay, So
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: this is for people that enjoy being single and want
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: to just maximize it. This is for people that are
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: currently single who are hating it but want to learn
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: how to love it or even like it. It's for
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: anyone who feels even maybe scorned being single. You know,
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: like where you're that scorned individual that really struggles to,
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: you know, be positive about it, and you hate being
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: the third wheel and you hate it and.
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: This you feel like other people look at you as
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: that's being your identity.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: You feel that you're not good enough, you feel that
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: your life is on hold.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: It's for all the above. So that's what this episode
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: is going to be on.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: Now. The way I've structured this episode, and it's one
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: of my favorite ways of structuring episodes, is I brainstorm
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: a whole bunch of notes around the topic, and at
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: the same time that I'm doing that, I get you
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: guys on my Instagram at Alexis Predes or DYFM podcast
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: to send.
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: Me in questions. So I give the topic.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: In this case, I said, you know everything single, and
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: you guys throw down a whole bunch of questions. So
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: then what I do is I grab those questions. Some
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: are verbatim and some I grab because very often you'll
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: have like five or ten of the same kind of questions.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: So I'll word it as one.
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: Question, and then I'll merge the two things together, all
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: the notes.
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: That I took, and I apply them to the questions
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: that I'm answering, or I just straight up answer a
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: brand new question. So I feel like it's a really
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: great way to be specifically answering what it is that
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: you guys want, but adding additional information that I've looked
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: up or researched or thought about myself. So that's how
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: we've structured. And I say we I have structured this episode.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: I do have a brain fact, but I'm leaving the
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: brain fact for the end of the episode. It's all
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: on Saint John's wart, and I'm not talking about some
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: saint with a wart, although when I first heard it.
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: I'm like, who is eating wartz?
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: That's fucked, But it's actually wart are woart, and it's
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: a natural medicine that is used like a supplement if
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: you want to call it, that comes from a.
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: Flower, that's used to treat depression.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: I'm going to be talking about what it's good for
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: and the many, many, many negative side effects to Saint
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: John's Wart as well, and why you should be careful
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: when taking it if that is your choice. So we're
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: gonna we're talking about that at the end of the
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: podcast for a little brain fact. But I thought i'd
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: do just a very quick little pet hate just because
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: I'm in a venting mode and I quite enjoy venting
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: every once in a while because it kind of gets
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: things off your chest, and I'm gonna vent. So you guys,
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: most of you know that I have this beautiful rescue dog.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: Rescued him from the RSPCA. He's an absolute angel. And
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: I say that in every sense of the word. I'm
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: not not like the biased parent like he's a fucking angel.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: He has never once been aggressive ever. He is just
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: the best gentle soul. He can play with any dog.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: I just love him. He's got a whole personality of
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: his own. He's very stubborn, he's the best anyway. He
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: looks what some people would consider maybe a bit scary.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: I think he looks like just the cutest thing in
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: the world. But he's this big, like thirty eight kilo dog.
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: He's got this well, he's an American stuff. He cross.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: We're not exactly sure what, but he's got this kind
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: of staffy, pity kind of face. And there's a big
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: misconception around those kinds of breeds. But anyway, Tyrone and
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: are taken to dog parks and we're not I don't
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: know what people think, like, we're not barbaric. We would
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: never take an aggressive I would never take a reactive
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: or aggressive dog to go socialize with other dogs. Okay,
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: so I just feel that by default, if you're going
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: to a dog park, your dog in general is pretty chilled.
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: But at the same time, it's a dog and you
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: can't really predict their behavior, So people just need to
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: be a bit relaxed when they're at a dog park. Anyway,
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: my pet hate is and don't feel judged if this
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: is you, because if you're a bean, then you're exempt
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: from this pet hate, but it is small dog owners
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: that specifically live in the Pot's Point or just Eastern
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: Suburbs area of Sydney. There's something about those people. No
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: offense or all the offense. I don't care who just
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: think my dog does no wrong. But because your dog's
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: good what I deemed to be a scary face, you
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: need to fucking put your dog on a leash, even
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: though my dog's doing fucking nothing wrong. So yesterday Tarrone
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: and I took a bit to this dog park in
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: Pot's Point, like above some car park, and Habib gets
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: there and he goes straight to like this grassy area.
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: He's sniffing around.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: He's not even giving the time of day to this
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: other little dog.
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: And this woman was like, oh my god, that dog
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: looks really scary.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: That dog looks really scary. Meanwhile, her dog is legit
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: like yapping right, and I'm like, ah, what.
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: Do you mean?
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: And we look over at Habib and his nose on
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: the floor, just sniffing a little scent, following a little
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: garden trail. It's not remotely paying attention to her dog.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: And she's like, oh, I don't know if I can
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: be here anymore. I don't know if I can be
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: here anymore.
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: Oh does it jump? Does it jump? And I'm like, caun't.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: He's ignoring you. He's perfectly fine. Fuck off with your
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: prejudice anyway. So she ends up leaving being like, oh,
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: I can't do this and leaves. I'm like, bon voyage can't.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: And then the man who was standing there, he's like,
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: it's just that your dog looks a little bit scary.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: You've just got to be careful. And we're like, he's
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: not aggressive, he's perfectly fine. Your dogs are the ones
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: that are yapping. He's fine, he's not even he's ignoring them.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: And he's like, yeah, he just looks a bit aggressive.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: Is like, are you guys from around here? Like? Where
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: are you guys from?
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: And I'm like, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: Anyway?
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: So that's my pet hate.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: And if you ever see how Big walking around, just
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: know that he's the friendliest, most beautiful dog in the world.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: He would never hurt a fly. I love him so much.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: That is my pet hate. Man being a protective dog. Mum. Sorry,
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: but I'm sure a lot of you guys can feel
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: my pain. And if you have a staff here. I
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: love you so much. Okay, now let's get straight into
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: the actual episode off today the podcast episode. We're talking
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: about obviously being single, and there's a whole bunch of
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: questions that came through. I'm just gonna go question by question,
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: and then at the end, I've got a couple of
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: like interesting studies to share with you as well, which
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: is always a fun time. So let's get into it.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: The first question is how to navigate friends who are
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: bitter about being single?
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: Please help?
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: Now, I'm gonna give you two options, because some people
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: are bitter when they're single, being like my guard is up,
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: I don't want to be in a relationship.
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: Relationships are fucked.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: They're all fucked. They're this, they're that, and that's like
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: that scorned individual. That's kind of what I was like
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: when I came out of my second relationship, when I was.
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: Quite jaded about relationships.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: Then there's the other kind of bitter of like they
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: want to be in a relationship, but they don't understand
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: why they're single, and they're bitter about the fact that
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: it's not happening. Okay, So one is I relationships are fucked.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: I don't want it so I guess what you have
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: to ask them. What I would do to navigate this
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: kind of thing with friends is because it.
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: Gets tired after a while.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: It's like stopping so fucking negative, Like I understand that
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: you might have an issue, but either open up and
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: talk about it or shush because it can be exhausting.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: And I look back sometimes at my own behavior and
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: how like negative I could be towards relationships, and I'm like,
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: shut the fuck up. I would I could just imagine
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: that I would have been so annoying to the really
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: patient people around me.
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: So just shush is what I feel like you need
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: to say.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: But instead of telling them to shut up, you could
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: kind of ask them questions, so you can say, you
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: seem really bitter. Is this how you feel about relationships?
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: And if so, then why is it that you want
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: to be in one? If you're so negative about it?
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: Aren't you in the perfect situation? You're single now, like
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: no one's shoving a relationship down your throat? What's the problem?
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: Why do you have to always be highlighting it, highlighting
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: other relationships. That's one way of tackling it. Another thing
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: you could ask them is, for example, if they're bitter
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: about being single but positive about relationships and they want
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: a relationship. You could ask them, are you prepared to
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: be this bitter until the right person comes along, because
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: that could be a while. And is that the way
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: that you want to Is that how you want to
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: direct your energy? Is that how you want to direct
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: your emotions? Or you could simply just say does it
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: feel good feeling that bad? Because if feeling that bad
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: feels good, then I'm not going to.
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: Stand in your way.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: But to me, harboring that much bitterness gets you absolutely
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: no way. If anything, you start to attach these negative
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: emotions to what it is that you're talking about, so
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: you start to feel like further away. You start to
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: put more walls up towards relationships, towards people that are
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: in relationships.
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: You start to have a.
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: Negative bias towards people that are in relationships.
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: You think that they're cheesy, you think that it's.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: Lame and all of that, when in reality, you just
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: need to grab a mirror and take a deep look
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: at your emotions and think, what is it that I'm avoiding,
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: what is it that I'm afraid of, or what is
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: it that I'm afraid of being hurt by. Okay, so
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: there's a whole bunch of questions that you've knowniced. I'm
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: just giving you a bunch on a planter. You're welcome.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: Number two, how to release the feeling of longing for
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: a relationship slash companionship. So, the first thing that I
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: want you to identify is there is nothing wrong with
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: wanting a romantic relationship.
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: That is natural to want.
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: What you don't want is to say to yourself, until
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: I have a relationship, I'm not complete or my life
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: can't start. Until I have a relationship or relationship is
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: your marker of success and until that happens, and I
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: don't think that I've done one need to do in
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: my life. Okay. So, and if you listen back to
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: the original slang single episode, I mentioned I was very
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: single at the time and I was not even going
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: on dates. I was not really open to dating, not
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: because I was jaded, but I just didn't really have
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: the urge to be in a relationship at that point. However,
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: I did mention in that episode that I was very
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: much open to a healthy relationship. I was open to
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: that happening, I just wasn't actively seeking it. So what
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: you can do is you can talk about and I
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: think it's really good to listen to your language and
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: say it out loud and say it to people. You
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: can say. While I'm not going to put all my
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: energy in seeking a relationship, what I am really open
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: to is finding the right kind of love, or finding
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: the right.
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: Kind of person where we contribute to each other's lives, or.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: Finding you know, the kind of love that and you
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: give examples that like my auntie and uncle have, or
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: that my parents have, or obviously I love that you
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: really look up to. So when you start softening your
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: language around open to this, then you start realizing, yeah,
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: it's not a need. I'm comfortable with who I am,
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: and it is something I would genuinely like, and I'm
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: ready for it. But I'm not waiting for it. I'm
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: not gonna sit here and put other things on hold
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: while it comes, because I believe that so often you'll
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: put so much on hold. I won't go on that trip,
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: I won't take that hard job. I won't My priority
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: here is getting into a relationship. You actually block relationships
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: because the way I look at it, and I don't
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: know how much science there is behind this to be honest,
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: but maybe there is. But the way I look at
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: it is you don't want to stop and be at
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: a standstill and watch the world pass you by while
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: you're forcing or waiting for something to happen. The more
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: you do, the more that happens for you. Okay, it's
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: kind of like a numbers game. The more experiences you're feeling,
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: go on that trip, try that new job, move houses,
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: do all these things that you're doing, and you're actually
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: because you're operating in wider circles, meeting new people, doing
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: different things, doing things that serve you. Not only do
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: you become the best version off yourself, so kind of
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: relationships that you attract are going to be of a
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: higher quality, but you're also in a position where you
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: are putting yourself out there as well. So it's this
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: too pronged approach. So once you feel like, Okay, I'm
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: actually going to put all my energy into that while
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: being open to receiving a really healthy kind of love,
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: then you're going to realize I'm actually okay with wanting
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: a relationship. I'm okay with wanting it. I'm not needing it,
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: because to need would mean that I'm missing something severely
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: important in my life that I can't provide, but I
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: would really want it. Okay, you also want to be
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: telling yourself that you're ready to welcome something into your life,
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: but not at the expense of your happiness, because so
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: many people put relationships on a pedestal, and because of that,
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: they think being in a relationship is the be all
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: end all. Being single is worst cast scenario. So if
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: being in a relationship is the be all, end all,
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: then you will be accepting the dregs of society into
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: your life to date, and that's what's going to happen. Okay,
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: you drop your standards because you think, well, I need
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: to enter. This is my point of entry, and it's
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: this plub But that's good enough for me because at
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: least I'm not single.
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: So that's a huge problem that a lot of people have.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: So many people would rather be in a relationship unhappy
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: or stressed then be happy and alone. Well, that'd be alone,
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: I should say, because they think that being alone is
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: going to be unhappy. And if you're someone who's currently
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: single right now saying well, alexis I'm fucking single and
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: I am unhappy, then it's because you need to be
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: focusing on your actual relationship with yourself. You're currently at
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: a stand still waiting for something to come along to
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: make you happy. I can guarantee you that that relationship
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: is not going to be what makes you happy, okay,
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: because you can only make yourself happy ever, ever, ever, ever.
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: Someone can inspire change in you, someone can teach you something,
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: but you can only ever be.
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: The creator of your own happiness. But this is what happens.
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: We're unhappy. A relationship comes into our life, it's exciting,
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: and then we say I'm now happy because I'm in
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: a relationship. Then the honeymoon period like fizzles out, and
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: then you think, well, I'm unhappy. Now this person is
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: not making me happy anymore. You leave that relationship, and
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: now I'm unhappy and so and so. Now you put
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: your happiness in the hands of someone else. When things
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: are bad, they are making you unhappy. When things are good,
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: they are the cause of your happiness. That is the
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: worst way to approach happiness ever. Okay. And if you
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: ever listen to my episode on hedonic adaptation, I talk
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: about how no big event is going to ultimately permanently
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: change your level of happiness. Your happiness is by what
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: you do on.
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: A day to day basis.
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: Okay, so getting into a relationship might spike your happiness,
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: but then eighteen months later you're at your baseline level
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: of happiness. So unless you are both as a couple
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: contributing and working on your happiness day to day, I'm
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: working on your own happiness, that's not going to be
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: what makes you happy. And if you think that being
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: in a relationship is the mark of success, that what
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: do you have to say about all those hooked relationships
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: that exist right now? I can think of so many
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: people that would be much better off not in that relationship.
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: But we have this ingrained fear of being alone. And
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't say it's a stigma. Maybe there was in
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: the past. I think it's way less of a thing now.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: But they think, oh no, BUTOD if I'm single, then
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: there's one box that I haven't yet ticked in my life.
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: I'm not ticking that box. The next question is I'm
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: enjoying being single now, but I'm worrying what it might
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: be like to be old and single. So I actually
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: looked something up for this and it's really interesting. So
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: there's this happiness expert. His name is Paul Dolan, and
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: he's a professor of behavioral sciences and he's done a
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: whole bunch of studies and he look him up. It's
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: quite interesting. He's quite interesting. And he states that based
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: on his studies, women who are single with no children
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: are actually the happiest population. Okay, men are actually more
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: unhappy single than women are. But men also derive more
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: benefits from marriage in general. And he said that we're
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: talking about in general statistically, but he said the same
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: cannot be said for women. And he also states that
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: marriage and being in a relationship makes and men feel safer,
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: it makes them take less risks, earn more money, and
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: be healthier and happier, and they actually live longer when
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: they're in a relationship. But women actually have more mental
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: and physical health risks in marriage compared to when compared
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: to their single counterparts of the same age. Okay, So
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: he also states that long established, this long established traditional
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: symbols of success does not actually correlate with happiness. So
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: this idea of like, oh, you need to be in
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: a relationship and that is success, or you need to
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: have this job and this career and this amount of money.
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: There's so many things that we deem from the outside
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: to be successful, but it doesn't actually equal happiness. Okay.
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: So if you're someone that's like, I'm happy single now,
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: but I'm really not going to be happy single later,
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: well the data is there to show that, well, especially
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: for women, but is there to show that if they
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: have a good level of life satisfaction as in their
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: other relationships are really healthy, they've got healthy self esteem,
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: then they're actually quite happy and content and very fulfilled
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: being single even throughout their whole life. Okay, so that's
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: something that can hopefully put you at ease if you
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: feel that that's a fear. Now, someone wrote how do
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: you feel secure after your ex finds someone new? So?
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: What I like to do, and this comes with all
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: kinds of comparisons because currently what you're doing is you're
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: comparing your timeline or where you're at, and you're looking
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: at what your ex is doing, and you're thinking, well,
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: they've found someone new. How do I feel secure about that?
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: And I haven't found someone new. I always ask myself,
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: I was put if I see myself comparing myself to
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: someone else, I always try and ask myself that what
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: if I didn't know them tactic. So if I didn't
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: know this person, would this thing still make me jealous?
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: Would this thing still like would the fact that someone
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: the fact that a random cunt in fucking Venezuela is
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: dating somebody?
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: Would that affect me? Would that make me feel more?
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: Like? No, it wouldn't.
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: So sometimes you just got to think, like, if.
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: This person is no longer in my life, why am
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: I making them a part of my life? Okay, I
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: need to make them as irrelevant as possible. Because if
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: someone is completely irrelevant to me and I find out
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: that and someone said, oh, this random person in another
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: country is dating somebody, do you think I'm going to care?
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: People are more likely to feel threatened and compare themselves
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: to people that are directly in their life. So what
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: I mean by that people are more likely to feel
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: jealous of a friend who has just, you know, somehow
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: acquired all this money.
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: Let's say they want a million dollars whatever.
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: Then you'll be jealous, being like, I'm so jealous that
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: now they've got their car and they've the house or whatever.
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: But you're not jealous of a celebrity who's got even
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: more than that, because you don't actually know them, they're
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: more separated. So what I do is I try and
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: create more of a separation between if they're relevant, okay,
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: Like I've got a whole thing on comparison and how
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: you can actually bring people closer. But when it's someone
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: like your ex and it's negatively impacting you, knowing this information,
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: just say, would I actually care if this person was
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: a nobody to me? And the answer is no, you
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: wouldn't give a flying fuck. Okay, because think of other
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: examples of other people all around the world. You do
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: not care. Okay, that's what I do to actually help
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: with that kind of stuff. Now, someone said how to
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: date slash be open to emotionally attracting a partner. Again,
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: when I'm so happily single, I've done the work. There's
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: no beef or baggage. I'm just in flow where male
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: interactions don't happen often, and I don't want to ruin
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: the flow by hardcore dating or singles nights and step
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: back into desperation dating. So I think when it comes
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: to this, I want you to number one, get really
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: really clear on if I was to date what would
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: that look like, Because sometimes we're like, oh, just date,
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: put yourself out there, start dating, and that's all well
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: and good. If you're like I enjoy dating. I think
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: it's really fun. You know, if you derive pleasure from
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: going on multiple dates, do it. But if you someone
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: like me, where I was like, I'm either having a
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: casual sex relationship with you or I'm dating because I
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: see a future with you. But I'm not going to
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: date someone being like, oh, they're not really my person,
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: but I'd rather be in a relationship than a single.
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: So if you're like me, where it's all or nothing,
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: then I think it's really important to get very clear
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: on who your future partner will be, based on how
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: they treat you, based on what their values are, based
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: on what they want in their life, that kind of thing.
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: I'm not talking about specific careers or specific physical traits,
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: but I'm talking about personality traits, the dynamic of your relationship,
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: what that kind of looks like. Because when you get
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: really clear on these deep values and their behaviors, then
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: it becomes really easy to be a bit more picky.
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: And I'm going to address the picky thing in a
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: little bit, but I think it makes it really easy
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: for you to be like I don't need to be
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: going to these single nights.
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: I don't need to be.
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: Doing this numbers game where I'm going round to around.
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: Especially if you enjoy being single, You've got to allow yourself,
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: you know, to just.
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: Really be in this single part of your life.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: Because one thing that I always said to my friends
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: is don't wish away this time that you're single, because
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: you might meet somebody who ends up being your person
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: in a month and you'll never be single ever again.
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: There is so much to be said. There's so much
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: beauty in being single where you don't have to answer
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: to anyone, You are your own person. You can make
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: decisions that just only impact you that time of your life.
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: That's such a special time of your life. You want
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: to be like, if this is all of it? What
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: if I've only got a few more months of only
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: being me without a partner that I have to factor
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: into my decisions and my thoughts, which is beautiful in
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: another way, But like I'm saying, this time is very special.
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: It's very precious, and one day you'll mourn it in
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: a healthy way, but one day you'll be like, that's done,
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: it's dusted. I look back at my single years and
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, that was so cool, that was so special,
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: and I'm glad, lad that I milked it.
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: I'm glad I didn't wish it away.
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: And I don't want you guys, wishing away your single
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: life because you might meet someone tomorrow or in six
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: months time or in a year's time, and then that's it.
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: That's it for your single life. So I want you
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: to make the most of it now and ironically, when
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: you're living in your single life, when you're really enjoying it,
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: when you've really committed to being like, I'm going to
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: milk this for what it's worth.
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: And I'm not talking about shagging councleft, right and center.
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: I mean you can if you want.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: I'm talking about really enjoying that total independence when you're
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: in that zone. I genuinely believe that people are attracted
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: to that kind of energy because you're not needing somebody else,
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: you're not seeking other people. You're in this attraction energy
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: and not this desperation energy. And I've got a whole
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: podcast on attraction Versus desperation and go listen to it.
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: Someone wrote how to deal with are you seeing anyone?
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: Or You'll find someone?
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: When they answer nough, that's so annoying. I would say,
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: look there, there's there's a whole bunch of things that
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: you can say to that, But I would you could say,
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: you can save you're pity for somebody else who needs it.
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: I'm enjoying where i'm at. I hope that doesn't make
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: you feel uncomfortable. That's one thing that I used to say.
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: So when people say, oh, you'll find someone, you'll find someone,
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: I said, I'm actually really happy where i'm at.
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: I hope that doesn't make you uncomfortable.
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: And then they're like, no, no, it doesn't make me uncomfortable,
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: and I say, well, there's no I've never indicated that
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to find someone.
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: But you know, everyone values different things, and I'm not.
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: I wouldn't. It's not like you're trying to attack the
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: other person.
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: But what you've got to realize is that a lot
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: of people they think relationships equal happiness, and that if
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: you're not in a relationship, then you're trying to be
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: in one, and you're seeking one, and you're really trying,
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: and then they feel sorry for you, and then they're
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: like, I can tell you where i'm at. Oh, poor thing,
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: and I'm like, go ahead and feel sorry, but not
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: for me, feel sorry for someone that actually needs it,
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: because I'm actually genuinely fine, And even if I was
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: looking and open for a relationship, I all so still
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: don't need your pity because I'm not in a position
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: where I need to be pitied. I'm actually genuinely fine,
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: like I'm happy, and I feel like it's hard because
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: when you say to people, oh, I'm happy, I'm fine,
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: they're like, ooh, you're really not happy if you have
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: to be telling people that you're happy and you're fine,
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: So you're kind of in this like fucked position where
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: people think, ooh, you're just saying that because you're not.
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: So I would just yeah, I would just say I'm
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: enjoying where I'm at right now, and I just hope
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: that doesn't make you feel uncomfortable, because that would be sad.
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: Next one, someone said how to navigate the core beliefs
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: that all men suck and I will never be good
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: enough following many experiences with men. So this is a
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: really interesting question because you're saying all men suck, all
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: men suck, and I will never be good enough. So
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: you're telling yourself that you will never be good enough
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: for someone who sucks. So what are you saying about yourself?
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: This is a self esteem problem. This has nothing to
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: do with any of that. This is an issue with
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: your relationship with yourself. Okay, So.
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: Number one to change the narrative of all men suck.
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: What I want you to do is I want you
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: to start finding examples of great men in your life
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: or that you know off or men that you think
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: are great, even if you don't know them personally. So
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: that's one exercise that I started to do when I
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: was I got like quite negative and jada, and I'm like,
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: I'm sick of this side of me. I'm sick of
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: this version of me. I'm ready to outgrow it. I'm done.
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: I'm done. Because it got to a point where initially
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: would get a reaction from people then I could be
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: even more proud of why I didn't want a relationship.
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: But then it got to a point where everyone's like, yeah, whatever,
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: you okay, you're jaded, you don't like relationships, or oh
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: you know, you're really negative. And then I'm like, I'm
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: really just isolating myself, and I'm like some sad sock
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: just banging on about.
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: How all relationships are fucked and all men.
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: Suck, and it's it wasn't fun anymore. I'm not enjoying this.
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: I'm the one who's suffering. So then I started thinking,
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: and also, that's not true. I know many, many, many
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: men that are phenomenal. I started with all the men
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: in my family, great men in my family. Then I
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: started with partners, of friends, my sister's partner, all these men,
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: all representations of great, solid men, not boys men, okay,
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: And I started thinking, this is such a lie. Yes,
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: there are men that suck, there's no denying it, and
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: I'm not taking away from that. But as far as
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: I'm concerned, in my life, there are so many examples
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: of great men.
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: So I started focusing on all these.
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: Great men and how they're great in relationships, and how
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: they're great with their partners, and how they treat my
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: friends so well. And instead of being jealous, I started
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: getting happy. I'm like, see, this is awesome. These are
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: all examples of what I want in my life. You know,
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: instead of thinking, oh, that's rare, it's rare.
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: You're lucky. You found You're lucky. You found that one.
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: Change your language and start being like stop acting like
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: if I keep behaving like it's what I want is scarce,
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: then it's going to be scarce, okay, because I'm going
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: to be biased to only look out for things that
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: confirm my point of view, which is that all men suck.
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: So then you're going to fixate on situations where a
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: man cheated on a woman and a man did this
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: and a man did that, because you can find examples
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: of that shit everywhere. You can find examples of people
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: or people being bad everywhere, but you can also find
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: examples of people being great. So number one, start looking
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: for examples of great men, because there's many. Then what
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: I want you to do is to change this bias.
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: So instead of saying I'm not good enough, because you
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: said feeling that you're not good enough, and this was
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: following many experiences with men, So you've obviously had these
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: experiences with men and.
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: That's led you to believe that you are not good enough.
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: So instead you can say the reason things didn't work
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: with my past relationships is because it wasn't a right match.
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: What we valued did not align, and that's why it
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: didn't work. It's not about one person being good enough
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: for the other. It's it wasn't a right fit. Whether
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: they were mean to you, whether they were abusive, whether
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: they were just not a right fit, whether they were ghosters,
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: doesn't matter, whether they just didn't want to be with you.
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: Just say, obviously there was enough there for us not
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: to align, and that's why it didn't work. Had our
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: values aligned were we are better match than it would
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: have worked. So it's not about not being good enough.
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: It's about finding the right match for me. Okay. And
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: when you word it like that, and then when you
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: find examples of great men, then I think you're going
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: to be a lot. Your approach towards your thoughts around
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: relationships and men and your self esteem and the value
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: that you place in yourself is going to start to change.
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: But you need to dissect this language. You need to
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: be well aware and don't avoid and every time and
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: you do the cancel out rule. So every time I
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: think of you know, say to yourself, every time I
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: think of men, of fact, I need to cancel it
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: out with three examples of great men and then reword
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: that to be like, wow, some men are here are
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: three great men. And then when you say I'm not
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: good enough, you need to reword it as it's got
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: nothing to do with being not good enough. These people
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: I probably wouldn't want to be with any way if
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: I think they suck.
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: So it's not about a value thing.
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: It's about a incompatibility issue, as in, I'm not compatible
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: with people that treat me like shit.
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: Okay, there's no compatibility there now, next one.
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: This is a really good question and I don't have
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: the direct answer for it, and a few people wrote
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: in on this the lack of physical touch hugging friends
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: is not the same, and this is very true. One
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: of the things that a lot of people struggle with
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: with being single is that they especially if you're not
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: you know, and even if you sleep around, sometimes it's
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: the different level of intimacy that you don't get from
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: a relationship.
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: When you're single.
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that you replace everything that or it
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: doesn't mean that I'm expecting you to replace everything that
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: a relationship has to offer. There are certain things that
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: you get in a relationship that you can't provide for
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: yourself when you're single. But there's also certain things that
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: you get being single that you will not be able
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: to access ever again when you're in a relationship, and
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: that level of physical touch and intimacy is one of
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: the things that you're going to get in a relationship,
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: and it's not like needing to replace it. But maybe
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: there's certain things that you can find that can help.
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: To be honest, I think maybe a good maybe looking
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: into like sex positive podcasts and things like that might
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: actually help answer that question better than I can about
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: intimacy podcasts. But I do think that it's important to
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: note I'm not looking at trying to structure my life
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: so I'll never need a relationship again. I do want
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: to really be clear that there is a reason why
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: we want to be in a relationship in general, and
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: it's perfectly fine to want to be in a relationship.
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: I just want you to realize that you can be
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: happy and fulfilled and feel successful in your life without
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: that thing happening, because we can't control the timeline of
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: when a relationship is going to happen. So I don't
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: want you to put that pressure on yourself and then
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: think that you're not doing enough or that you're not
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: good enough because it hasn't happened for you. All Right,
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: The next one, this is a great question, how to
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: let go of expectations you had on yourself on what
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: your life would look like. So this is like a
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: timeline we create. These timelines is arbitrary timelines in our head. Well,
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: they're not that arbitrary. We base it around to what
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: we see and what society kind of what the blueprint
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: that society lays down for us. So it's not that arbitrary.
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: But in the scheme of things, if you just look
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: at your life as an individual, you don't have to
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: adhere to these timelines, okay. And sometimes you're gonna think that, oh, yeah,
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: I would have been in a relationship by thirty, I
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: would have been pregnant or have kids by this point
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: and whatever, and it's not the case. Okay, And I
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: think it's really important that we start to learn to
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: hatch from our ideas of this timeline that we had
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: for ourselves. So while you're holding onto this old timeline
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: that you're not, you know, following, because your life has
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: gone in a completely different direction, you're actually putting off
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: you being able to open yourself up to another potentially
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: completely different and potentially better timeline for yourself. You know,
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: the more time you spend being like but it should
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: have been like this, and it's not like this, and
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: how do I come to terms with that? The more
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: you're putting off your ability to open your eyes and
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: be like, wow, there's a whole other version of my
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: life that I haven't even opened myself up to because
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: I was so fixated on this og timeline that I've
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: created for myself. I've said this before, but I'll remind
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: you again. There's studies that have been done on like
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: people's level of life satisfaction and how many lives they
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: think that they could be genuinely happy in, and people
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: on average have said seven completely different lives that they
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: think that they could be happy with. Okay, so there's
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: the life version where you are a parent and you
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: know you married and you have the nine to five.
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: There's the life version when you're always single and you're
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: that fun auntie and you're living half the year in
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: Paris and half in Australia. There's the life version where
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: there's so many different life versions. And until you really
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: allow yourself to lean into the possibility that you could
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: be living a completely different life to what you had
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: originally had in your mind, then you're not going to
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: fully accept it, and you're not going to fully give
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: it a chance and give it a go. Okay, I
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: think that if I I say this is to tyrant,
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: because like whenever someone goes through a breakup, we always
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: joke about like, oh, you know, how would you react
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: in a breakup? And I said, well, honestly, you know
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: you'll You'll fucking see me upload a story of me
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: in Paris, and he always laughs, being like that's always
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: your go to. You'll always end up in Paris, and
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: you know, obviously, knock on wood, we don't want to
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: break up. I fucking love him. But what I'm saying
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: is like I have in my mind all these alternative
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: lives that I could live, and the reason I'm living
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: the life that I'm living right now is because I'm
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: so happy in it. But genuinely, genuinely, you want to
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: get yourself to a position where you're like, I am
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: not in control of all the other things, but what
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: I am in control of is how resourceful I am.
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: And that's up to me to be really resourceful or
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: not resourceful at all. That's my choice. So I might
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: not choose if someone wants to date me or not.
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: I might not choose be able to choose when a
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: relationship comes into my life, or if or how it's
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: going to be, if I want to have kids, is
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: are going to be hard for me or not? Those
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: things might not be my choice, but I can choose
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: to adapt and evolve and adapt and evolve, and that
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: to me has been the one thing that has made
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: me always happy with things that come my way and
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: things that are curveballs that you know, knock me off
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: course for a bit and get me sad.
• 35:36
  Speaker 2: Then I remind myself as.
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: Like, no, no, you have that resilience in you and
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: you can steer your life in so many different directions. Okay,
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: you're not a fucking freight train. You're a human. Okay,
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: You're not on tracks going in one direction and that's it.
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: You've got options and they might not be options that
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: you thought of for yourself originally, but it doesn't matter
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: because sometimes the options that you think of later in
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: life come with wisdom, come with life experience, come with inspiration,
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: and they're better than what you had thought of for
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: yourself fifteen years ago.
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: Okay, So I want you to be kinder.
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: To yourself, be more creative with what possibilities there are
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: out there for you, because there's a lot. All right,
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: Then we have tips for starting a single life after
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: a breakup how to make the most of it. So
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: what I would do is number one, you want to
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: be focusing on what you're doing to make yourself happy,
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: so it's all about you, all about you. If you've
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: just become single, I would not be fixating on oh
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: I'm single now, or how am I going to meet
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: someone else?
• 36:40
  Speaker 2: Or how am I this? How am I that?
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: No?
• 36:41
  Speaker 2: No, no, no, no, no no no no.
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: If you do that, that's a recipe for you feeling
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: not good enough, feeling that you're behind the eight ball,
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: feeling that.
• 36:47
  Speaker 2: All this shit okay.
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: Instead, you're going to be like, how can I possibly
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: live my best single life? Ever? How can I meet
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: up with the friends on my time when I meet up?
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: How can I create a timeline for myself where it's
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: all about me. My morning routine is about me. What
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: I do in the evenings is about me. I can
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: socialize if I want, or having alone time if I want.
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: I'm going to start learning that thing or I'm going
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: to start this hobby I'm going to start. You need
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: to fill your life up with shit that you probably
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: never would have thought of. Doing in a relationship, okay,
• 37:16
  Speaker 1: And when you start doing that, you're like, wait a minute,
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: wait a fucking minute, this is epic. I'm having such
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: a good time this. I've expanded my horizons for what
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: my life can look like. And it's irrelevant if a
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: partner or not. I could have been doing this in
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: my relationship, but I just didn't think of it, or
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: maybe I thought I had no time or whatever. But
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: I'm doing it now and it feels so fucking good. Okay,
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: And then you might want to stay in this single
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: bubble for a while. You might be like, oh, this
• 37:42
  Speaker 1: feels so good. I'm really getting to learn about me.
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: I'm getting to know myself. It's got nothing to do
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: with meeting other people. And that's what I did, and
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: I ended up being single for three years because I'm like,
• 37:50
  Speaker 1: this is so fucking good.
• 37:52
  Speaker 2: I love it.
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: I was about to move to another country and then
• 37:55
  Speaker 1: COVID hit, but it was epic. So I think that
• 37:59
  Speaker 1: that's what I would if you're starting your single life
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: after a breakup, I would hope that you're making major
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: changes in your life just because you can. Okay, this
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: is your opportunity to rebrand, refresh, change, things, turn things around,
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: take a sabbatical, whatever the fuck you want to do.
• 38:15
  Speaker 2: This is your chance.
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: Every time I've had a breakup in my life, I've
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: had a full, full life rebrand and it's been epic.
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: Not as in, I haven't changed who I am, but
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: there's so many things around me that have changed, and
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: I've forced change and I've chased change and it's been epic. Okay,
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: second last one, how to break the cycle when you've
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: been in Sorry, when you've been a relationship hopper for
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: over seven years. So if you're someone that's gone from
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: relationship to relationship to relationship with no break in between.
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: I may be wrong, but there is a very very
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: very big chance that you, well, you don't know how
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: to be alone. You don't like the thought of being alone.
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: You think that being in a relationship is how you thrive,
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: and that probably is the case, because that's how you've
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: been for the last seven years. But here you're wanting
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: to break the cycle. But you might also not have
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: because you've not learned to be alone. You might not
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: have sufficient clarity on what it is that you want
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: out of a relationship. Okay, because sometimes we think, well,
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: it's a relationship. I like this person done, but liking
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: someone is not enough. There's so many things that go
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: into forming a really healthy long term relationship. Okay, so
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: number one, I think this is your time to be like,
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: I need to learn how to be alone. And until
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: I learn how to be alone, I'm probably not going
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: to leone exactly what I want out of my life
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: and what I don't want out of my life because
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: you're not giving yourself the gaps in between relationships to
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: reset and reassess. Okay, so I think that most people think, well,
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: you've got to be in a relationship, I've got to
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: be instead of thinking what kind of a relationship do
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: you want to be in? What kind of person do
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: you want to be dating? What exactly do you want
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: to feel when you're in a relationship, Because one thing
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: that I realized is I want to feel obviously happy.
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: I want to feel secure, I want to feel a
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: sense of like I want to just feel safe and
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: emotionally safe, and I want to feel like there's always
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: like passion or adventure. Those are the feelings that I wanted,
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: And then I thought, every single one of those I
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: can provide for myself because I've been in a relation.
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: In relationships where I felt isolated, I felt unsafe, I
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: felt insecure, I felt anxious, I felt like I couldn't
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: like it was me against the world and I couldn't
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: go to anyone. And I speak more about this in
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: the original slang single, But I was in a relationship,
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: So from the outside, there'd be people that are like, well, she's.
• 40:36
  Speaker 2: Fucking killing it.
• 40:37
  Speaker 1: She's in a relationship, and I'm like, absolutely not. So
• 40:40
  Speaker 1: I think it's important that you identify what is it
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: that I want and how much of that can I
• 40:44
  Speaker 1: provide for myself? And the more you provide that for yourself,
• 40:47
  Speaker 1: the more you end up attracting people that already have
• 40:49
  Speaker 1: that kind of energy. So when I started providing myself
• 40:52
  Speaker 1: my own sense of security, my own emotional safety where
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: I could sleep easy at night because I wasn't, you know,
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: freaking out that I was dating some fuck with all
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: of that then made it a lot easier for me
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: to then meet someone who was on my wavelength.
• 41:06
  Speaker 2: Okay, now this is a ugh I've got a couple
• 41:11
  Speaker 2: more questions.
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: Okay, feeling like I'm always the third wheel, this is
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: one that I really want to address. You've got to
• 41:16
  Speaker 1: ask yourself, are you third wheeling or are you just
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: hanging out with friends and labeling it as third wheeling.
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: You really need to pay attention to your language around
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: this because it's so destructive to be like third wheeling,
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: third wheeling that downplays what you bring to the friendship
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: and what they bring to the friendship. It's like, if
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: you genuinely feel like this is not a friendship dynamic,
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: then why are you hanging out with them? Like Tyrone
• 41:41
  Speaker 1: and I hang out with many of his single friends,
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: the three of us and many of my single friends,
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: just the three of us, and we all have a
• 41:48
  Speaker 1: great fucking time, a great time, and there's never this
• 41:52
  Speaker 1: chat of the third wheel. Okay, Granted, if you're hanging
• 41:55
  Speaker 1: around a couple and they're like licking each other's eyeballs
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: and shit and like my up in each other's grill,
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: that's just an issue with their inability to kind of separate,
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: like they're just being inappropriate. That's got nothing to do
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: with being a third will, okay, But in general, to
• 42:10
  Speaker 1: be around a couple should not make you feel less than.
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: So this idea of third wheeling is like looked upon slightly, yeah, jokingly,
• 42:18
  Speaker 1: but also a bit negative, like, oh, you know, I don't.
• 42:21
  Speaker 2: Have a partner.
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: I'm hold single, Like I just don't understand why, it's
• 42:27
  Speaker 1: why it's so bad to be hanging around with a couple.
• 42:31
  Speaker 1: And if you're someone also, this is a really important thing.
• 42:33
  Speaker 1: If you're someone who is a third will every soul offen.
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: You hang out with your friends or family who are
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: in couples and you're like, oh my god, don't hold hands,
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: don't kiss in front of me, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: That is a huge indicator that you need to be
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: paying attention to your own emotions. There's a lot of
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: unchecked emotions going on right there. If you feel uncomfortable
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: with people that you love showing healthy, not inappropriate but
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: just healthy forms of love like a quick little kid.
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: So if they're holding hands, if that makes you feel uncomfortable,
• 43:00
  Speaker 1: that has a lot to do with you not feeling
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: comfortable within yourself and you're not feeling good enough and
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: thinking that I'm not enough and when you hold hands
• 43:07
  Speaker 1: you make me feel like shit, that's not appropriate.
• 43:11
  Speaker 2: Instead, you want.
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: To be like, here is my best friend being treated well?
• 43:16
  Speaker 1: How nice? How nice is that? Here is my sister
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: and her partner showing that they care about each other.
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: This is more, more of this, more, more, more of this,
• 43:25
  Speaker 1: more of this for my friends, more of this for me,
• 43:27
  Speaker 1: and before you know it, even if you don't have
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: a partner, you're feeling really good about other people showing
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: healthy displays of love around you. But I don't like
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: this idea of like I'm a third will just because
• 43:38
  Speaker 1: they're a couple. You know you should be able to
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: hang out with them as friends irrespective of them dating
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: or not. Okay, And if you can't, then that's an
• 43:45
  Speaker 1: issue with the friendship dynamic. It's got nothing to do
• 43:48
  Speaker 1: with the fact that they're in a couple.
• 43:50
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: The last one that I'm going to talk about is
• 43:53
  Speaker 1: being told I'm too picky. So if you're being told
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: that you're too picky, you've got to ask, like, by
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: who's stack? Is it by your standards? Because if I'm
• 44:02
  Speaker 1: too picky by your standards, then feel free to date
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: all these moles that I've rejected. But I'm not fucking interested.
• 44:08
  Speaker 1: I'm no one stopping you. I'm not getting in your way,
• 44:10
  Speaker 1: So why do my standards annoy you? Fair Enough, if
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: you're someone that's always winging about being single, but you
• 44:17
  Speaker 1: never want to date anybody and you'll never even go
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: on a date. And then someone's like, well, you know
• 44:22
  Speaker 1: you never want to go on a date, but you're
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: always complaining about being single, Like are you being too picky?
• 44:27
  Speaker 1: I understand where that question can come from in that regard,
• 44:29
  Speaker 1: but in general, I don't think there's anything wrong with
• 44:33
  Speaker 1: being picky and with having like really high standards because
• 44:36
  Speaker 1: and the reason for this is you want to set
• 44:39
  Speaker 1: like the minimum standard is your current life. If your
• 44:42
  Speaker 1: current life, if you're dissatisfied and it feels like shit,
• 44:45
  Speaker 1: then you're going to accept dregs into your life like
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: pond scum. However, if you're really satisfied with your life
• 44:52
  Speaker 1: and what you're doing with your time and how you're
• 44:55
  Speaker 1: spending your time, and you feel fulfilled, then literally, what
• 44:58
  Speaker 1: is the downside of being picky? There is no downside.
• 45:03
  Speaker 1: But one thing that we all have to acknowledge is
• 45:05
  Speaker 1: that there are a lot of people out there that
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: they equal being in a relationship as one of the
• 45:10
  Speaker 1: boxes that you absolutely have to tick in order to
• 45:12
  Speaker 1: be happy and to be on a successful trajectory. So
• 45:16
  Speaker 1: if they feel that that is the only way to
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: be happy and successful. They're going to think that something
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: is missing in your life. Your job is to not
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: make that your problem, okay, because people.
• 45:27
  Speaker 2: Are going to think what they're going to think.
• 45:28
  Speaker 1: And if you are constantly going around trying to change
• 45:30
  Speaker 1: how people perceive you and change how people then you're
• 45:32
  Speaker 1: gonna be very exhausted and you're not going to get
• 45:34
  Speaker 1: much done. Okay, some people are going to find it
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: really difficult to comprehend that you don't need those things
• 45:41
  Speaker 1: to be happy and successful, or that you can look
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: at those things as something that you want, but it's
• 45:46
  Speaker 1: not getting in the way of you experiencing a really
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: fulfilled and happy life right now. Okay, So that's on them,
• 45:54
  Speaker 1: though that's not on you. You just have to get
• 45:55
  Speaker 1: clear in your mind what you deem success to be,
• 45:58
  Speaker 1: what you deem happiness to be. Because I would hate
• 46:00
  Speaker 1: to think that my life would be put on hold
• 46:03
  Speaker 1: until some other random fucking individual rolls into my life
• 46:07
  Speaker 1: and says, Okay, it's no longer on hold, let's date.
• 46:10
  Speaker 1: That just doesn't make sense to me. You know, it's
• 46:12
  Speaker 1: okay to want a relationship, but I think it's very
• 46:15
  Speaker 1: important to have standards and to be picky, And can
• 46:18
  Speaker 1: I just say, if you're going to be picky everything
• 46:20
  Speaker 1: on that list of what you want, as far as
• 46:23
  Speaker 1: character traits and as far as whatever, you should be
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: offering the same or something equivalent. I think it's really
• 46:29
  Speaker 1: important to fucking check yourself when you're being picky, when
• 46:31
  Speaker 1: you've got really really high standards. I'm all for having
• 46:33
  Speaker 1: high standards, but are you meeting those standards as well,
• 46:36
  Speaker 1: because then it's not fair on the other Paul, can't
• 46:39
  Speaker 1: Who's who's about to meet you? Okay, now, I know
• 46:42
  Speaker 1: I said that that was the last question, but one
• 46:44
  Speaker 1: great one did come up, and that question is how
• 46:48
  Speaker 1: do I know the difference between I need to have
• 46:50
  Speaker 1: some single time and it's time to get dating. I
• 46:52
  Speaker 1: love dating, but I'm also a massive romantic, so I
• 46:55
  Speaker 1: usually end up meeting someone great and then I'm like,
• 46:57
  Speaker 1: this person is awesome, but now I don't think I've
• 46:59
  Speaker 1: spent enough time getting to know myself. That's a really
• 47:02
  Speaker 1: good question, But I want everyone to realize here that
• 47:05
  Speaker 1: you going on this journey of self discovery does not
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: mean that you can't also meet someone and date them
• 47:13
  Speaker 1: and fall in love at the same time. I think
• 47:16
  Speaker 1: we have this really co dependent mentality thinking, well, once
• 47:20
  Speaker 1: I've found my person where now meshed, we're ammeshed, and
• 47:24
  Speaker 1: our skin cells are one and we're one big blob.
• 47:28
  Speaker 1: That's not well, as far as I'm concerned, that is
• 47:31
  Speaker 1: not what's going to provide you with happiness. You can
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: go on the biggest self discovery journey after when you're
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: within a fifteen year marriage. Do you know what I mean?
• 47:40
  Speaker 1: This journey of self discovery can be whenever. However, when
• 47:44
  Speaker 1: you are single, it provides you with all the time,
• 47:47
  Speaker 1: all the freedom, all the flexibility to also go and
• 47:51
  Speaker 1: go and do other adventures and whatever. If I were
• 47:54
  Speaker 1: you and I felt I really need more time doing
• 47:56
  Speaker 1: self discovery, personally, I wouldn't be putting too much effort
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: into dating because I'm like, well, what's the point if
• 48:02
  Speaker 1: I end up meeting someone great and then I want
• 48:03
  Speaker 1: to leave them because I need more time for myself.
• 48:05
  Speaker 1: I'm literally wasting everybody's time, their's and mine. However, if
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: you're like, no, but I like dating people whatever, then
• 48:12
  Speaker 1: I think it's really important that you identify. Okay, why
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: do I feel like I can't continue on this journey
• 48:19
  Speaker 1: of self discovery when I'm dating, Do I lean too
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: heavily into this relationship and make that part of my identity.
• 48:25
  Speaker 1: I think there's a lot of questions that you can
• 48:27
  Speaker 1: ask around do I think that my identity change is
• 48:29
  Speaker 1: when I'm in a relationship? And what what about the
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: relationship is holding me back from getting to know myself?
• 48:36
  Speaker 1: And if you say, oh, well, because you know I've
• 48:38
  Speaker 1: got to be you know, doing what they want or
• 48:39
  Speaker 1: compromising or whatever, then I'd spend more time being single
• 48:42
  Speaker 1: and get clarity on what kind of a relationship I
• 48:45
  Speaker 1: would like. Okay, because I can guarantee you if you
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: were to meet the right person and they were lovely
• 48:50
  Speaker 1: and it was great, there's no way you would want
• 48:52
  Speaker 1: to just be like no, no, no, say yeah bye,
• 48:55
  Speaker 1: like that's not a real connection. Then not at all,
• 48:58
  Speaker 1: you know, because it would feel right, It would feel comfortable,
• 49:02
  Speaker 1: and it would feel a welcome enough space for you
• 49:03
  Speaker 1: to still continue your journey of self discovery. Guys, those
• 49:07
  Speaker 1: are the questions. I actually received way more questions, so
• 49:10
  Speaker 1: I would not I wouldn't hate doing like a part
• 49:12
  Speaker 1: three kind of down the line, But what I do
• 49:16
  Speaker 1: want to finish off with is just just touch on
• 49:21
  Speaker 1: those studies that I said I was going to touch on.
• 49:23
  Speaker 1: So one of them, which is called Expanding Relationship Science
• 49:27
  Speaker 1: to unpartnered singles, What predicts life satisfaction? That's a really
• 49:30
  Speaker 1: interesting read. It's unpublished in PubMed in twenty twenty two,
• 49:34
  Speaker 1: and basically it states that within the population of single people,
• 49:38
  Speaker 1: the happiest singles also had the highest amount of life
• 49:42
  Speaker 1: satisfaction and relationship satisfaction. They had really good self esteem,
• 49:46
  Speaker 1: they were overall happy, and therefore they were happy being single. Okay,
• 49:51
  Speaker 1: So people that had low self esteem or that had
• 49:53
  Speaker 1: poor relationships outside of romantic relationships, like bad relationships with
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: their friends, you know that, like either they were always
• 50:00
  Speaker 1: fighting with their friends or they don't feel like they've
• 50:02
  Speaker 1: got a good support network, felt really unsatisfied being single
• 50:05
  Speaker 1: because they looked at their romantic partner as the person
• 50:07
  Speaker 1: that would fulfill those relationship emotional needs. Another study that
• 50:12
  Speaker 1: I referred to within this episode is published in twenty
• 50:16
  Speaker 1: twenty one is called Happiness Singled Out bi directional association
• 50:19
  Speaker 1: between singlehood and life satisfaction.
• 50:22
  Speaker 2: So this is where people who had.
• 50:24
  Speaker 1: That life satisfaction one year later who were still single.
• 50:28
  Speaker 1: It predicted a greater satisfaction with the fact that they
• 50:31
  Speaker 1: were single. And it also worked the other way, so
• 50:34
  Speaker 1: if you were happy being single then laid down the track,
• 50:37
  Speaker 1: it also predicted a greater life satisfaction. But the other
• 50:40
  Speaker 1: one of life satisfaction predicting happiness being single was great
• 50:44
  Speaker 1: A was a greater predictor. Okay, So another thing that
• 50:49
  Speaker 1: I found really interesting with a lot of studies that
• 50:51
  Speaker 1: I was reading about being single is that men often
• 50:55
  Speaker 1: don't enjoy being single as much as women. And one
• 50:58
  Speaker 1: of the reasons that came up for this, but it
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: does definitely need further research and further study, but I
• 51:03
  Speaker 1: kind of just anecdotally would tend to kind of see
• 51:08
  Speaker 1: that this does tend to be the case. Is that
• 51:10
  Speaker 1: women have a lot of very deep emotional supportive relationships
• 51:15
  Speaker 1: outside of their romantic relationship, whereas for a lot of men,
• 51:19
  Speaker 1: especially in the older generations, a lot of men, their
• 51:23
  Speaker 1: one relationship where they can really open up and have
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: that emotional support comes from their romantic relationship. Okay, you
• 51:30
  Speaker 1: know this, men don't, and it's been a massive disservice
• 51:33
  Speaker 1: to men because they get all of that from one relationship,
• 51:37
  Speaker 1: whereas women get it from a lot of relationships. This
• 51:39
  Speaker 1: could explain one of the reasons why men when single,
• 51:43
  Speaker 1: especially when they're older and single, are extremely unsatisfied because
• 51:46
  Speaker 1: they don't have their person to have this emotional support
• 51:50
  Speaker 1: where they can open up to and be really vulnerable with. Okay, However, women,
• 51:54
  Speaker 1: even when single, they have that with their girlfriends. We
• 51:58
  Speaker 1: are very emotional beings and we talk about and discuss
• 52:01
  Speaker 1: our emotions. We feel very emotionally fulfilled in that regard.
• 52:04
  Speaker 1: So that if you are a guy listening to this
• 52:07
  Speaker 1: who's single, thinking well, I'm not that satisfied. One thing
• 52:10
  Speaker 1: that you could be leaning into is paying like giving
• 52:13
  Speaker 1: a lot of energy and attention to your friends of
• 52:16
  Speaker 1: any gender where you can feel that you can get
• 52:19
  Speaker 1: into a deeper I have a deeper connection with people
• 52:22
  Speaker 1: and feel like they are your emotional support. The more
• 52:24
  Speaker 1: emotionally supported that you feel in all your relationships will
• 52:28
  Speaker 1: also determine higher levels of satisfaction being single. I think
• 52:32
  Speaker 1: that's for me why I also was quite satisfied being
• 52:35
  Speaker 1: single because I had a really good support network around
• 52:38
  Speaker 1: me of friends and family. So if you're somebody that's like, well,
• 52:41
  Speaker 1: I don't have that, and I'm really unsatisfied being single.
• 52:44
  Speaker 1: That that's a really good indicator as to why, because
• 52:46
  Speaker 1: having your emotional needs meant is a need, but it
• 52:49
  Speaker 1: doesn't always have to come from a romantic relationship. So
• 52:53
  Speaker 1: working on your friendships, getting rid of the toxic ones,
• 52:56
  Speaker 1: those are massive steps that you can take to maintain
• 52:59
  Speaker 1: greater life satisfaction while being single. So something that I
• 53:02
  Speaker 1: would highly recommend everyone spend time doing. So Basically, guys,
• 53:07
  Speaker 1: to summarize before we got into the brain fact, I
• 53:09
  Speaker 1: just want you to realize that it's ultimately up to
• 53:12
  Speaker 1: you to steer your life in the direction that you
• 53:16
  Speaker 1: want it to go. You might have had one plan,
• 53:18
  Speaker 1: and you might have had one timeline, and society might
• 53:20
  Speaker 1: have told you a timeline, or your family might expect
• 53:22
  Speaker 1: a timeline from you, but it just didn't go that way.
• 53:25
  Speaker 1: Given the obvious facts that so much of that is
• 53:28
  Speaker 1: not directly within your control, curveballs are going to come
• 53:33
  Speaker 1: your way. And like I said earlier, you are not
• 53:35
  Speaker 1: a train on tracks. You can change course, you can adapt,
• 53:38
  Speaker 1: you are resilient. Okay, unfair things happen all the time.
• 53:42
  Speaker 1: But if you live your life, say why me, why me?
• 53:44
  Speaker 1: Why did I date so many assholes? Why do I
• 53:47
  Speaker 1: never have luck in dating? Why? Like? They're fair questions
• 53:50
  Speaker 1: and you can ask them, But you never want to
• 53:52
  Speaker 1: get stuck in this wyme situation because unfortunately the only
• 53:56
  Speaker 1: one who can truly, truly, truly turned this around you.
• 54:00
  Speaker 1: And you don't want to be stuck in this perpetual
• 54:02
  Speaker 1: state of dissatisfaction because unfair things have happened to you, okay,
• 54:06
  Speaker 1: and thinking life should have been different. Instead of thinking
• 54:09
  Speaker 1: life should have been different, you want to look at
• 54:11
  Speaker 1: it as this is the path that my life has
• 54:13
  Speaker 1: gone in. Continue to go down the same repetitive thing,
• 54:17
  Speaker 1: or do I want to change course and see what
• 54:19
  Speaker 1: it could look like down that road or down this road.
• 54:21
  Speaker 1: You know, if you can look at your past, you
• 54:23
  Speaker 1: can identify many many times that you have adapted and
• 54:26
  Speaker 1: discovered something positive from that adaptation or from that new
• 54:29
  Speaker 1: path that you took. This is just yet another example
• 54:32
  Speaker 1: of that. So always remind yourself it is my job
• 54:35
  Speaker 1: to be able to adapt and change course, and in
• 54:37
  Speaker 1: the process I might actually find a life that's better
• 54:40
  Speaker 1: suited to me and better than I thought I could
• 54:43
  Speaker 1: ever have. Okay, It's happened to me many many times
• 54:46
  Speaker 1: within my life where I've gone off course, and that
• 54:48
  Speaker 1: off course ended up being the course that I ultimately
• 54:51
  Speaker 1: look back and say, that was the ultimate course that
• 54:52
  Speaker 1: I could have taken, and I'm so happy I got derailed,
• 54:55
  Speaker 1: you know. So don't sit there and think why did
• 54:57
  Speaker 1: this happen to me and stay in that because yes,
• 55:01
  Speaker 1: it could be unfair, But whose responsibility is it to
• 55:05
  Speaker 1: turn it around and change it and to get greater
• 55:06
  Speaker 1: life satisfaction in the life that you're living today, Because
• 55:09
  Speaker 1: this is it, right as far as we're concerned, unless
• 55:12
  Speaker 1: we are reincarnated, this is it. And you don't want
• 55:15
  Speaker 1: to look back and say, well, I was single for
• 55:16
  Speaker 1: those three years in my twenties or thirties. Prime time, guys,
• 55:19
  Speaker 1: prime time, But here I was wishing that time away,
• 55:22
  Speaker 1: waiting for someone to come in some night and shining
• 55:25
  Speaker 1: ver and save the day.
• 55:25
  Speaker 2: You don't need to be saved.
• 55:27
  Speaker 1: You've got yourself, okay, So what can you do now
• 55:30
  Speaker 1: to maximize the time you have because one day you
• 55:32
  Speaker 1: will likely find someone and then those single years will
• 55:35
  Speaker 1: be over and you never want to look at that
• 55:38
  Speaker 1: single time and think, oh, that was a bad time.
• 55:39
  Speaker 1: This is the time, all right. So I hope you
• 55:42
  Speaker 1: enjoyed that episode. I hope this made you feel a
• 55:44
  Speaker 1: bit more empowered about being single, because it can be
• 55:48
  Speaker 1: the best time of your life as far as adventure
• 55:50
  Speaker 1: and self discovery and knowing what you really really.
• 55:53
  Speaker 2: Want and also knowing what you don't want. Amazing.
• 55:56
  Speaker 1: Now it's time for the brain fucked and yeah, enjoy
• 56:00
  Speaker 1: you guys so much, and that is all the brain
• 56:02
  Speaker 1: fact of today is on Saint John's Wart. Okay, now,
• 56:09
  Speaker 1: Saint John's Wart is. I always found the name really
• 56:12
  Speaker 1: really funny. It's named after John the Baptist, apparently, and
• 56:16
  Speaker 1: apparently because this flower in this plant, because it's a
• 56:19
  Speaker 1: plant it blooms on the birthday of this biblical John
• 56:23
  Speaker 1: the Baptist.
• 56:24
  Speaker 2: And in my head I always imagined a saint.
• 56:27
  Speaker 1: With warts all over them, and I'm like, oh my god,
• 56:30
  Speaker 1: as if you'd want a medication called wart. So it's
• 56:33
  Speaker 1: called wart, named after the yellow flowers on this plant.
• 56:37
  Speaker 1: Not so WRT, not wart like wart on a body.
• 56:42
  Speaker 1: I just can't imagine anyone volunteering to eat a Saint's
• 56:45
  Speaker 1: wart to target depression, because that wouldn't just make me
• 56:48
  Speaker 1: more depressed. But anyway, it's a plant with yellow flowers
• 56:51
  Speaker 1: called Saint John's Wart, and it's been used around the
• 56:52
  Speaker 1: world for a really long time.
• 56:55
  Speaker 2: Historically, it's been used for.
• 56:57
  Speaker 1: Kidney health, for sleep, for depression, and even topically for
• 57:01
  Speaker 1: wound healing. So there's a lot ofugh use that Saint
• 57:04
  Speaker 1: John's Wart has had for a very very very very
• 57:07
  Speaker 1: long time. But you see it primarily promoted as a
• 57:11
  Speaker 1: natural treatment for depression. Okay, that's what you're likely going
• 57:16
  Speaker 1: to see it for. So I'm going to be talking
• 57:17
  Speaker 1: about what it can do kind of the pharmacology of it,
• 57:22
  Speaker 1: but I'm also going to be talking about the downsides
• 57:25
  Speaker 1: of Saint John's Wart, okay, because there's a whole bunch. Okay.
• 57:28
  Speaker 1: So Sant John's Wart appears to be, based on the
• 57:32
  Speaker 1: studies that exist currently, a lot more effective versus a
• 57:37
  Speaker 1: placebo at treating mild depression. It's very effective for treating
• 57:40
  Speaker 1: mild depression, and it also is seen in several studies
• 57:43
  Speaker 1: to be as effective as treating mild depression, but not
• 57:47
  Speaker 1: as effective when you're talking about major depressive disorder or
• 57:52
  Speaker 1: serious chronic depression. Okay, So you're seeing more of a
• 57:56
  Speaker 1: benefit when you're talking about mild depression. Okay, when you're
• 57:59
  Speaker 1: comparing it to others antidepressants, other you know, like that
• 58:02
  Speaker 1: you would get at a pharmacy.
• 58:05
  Speaker 2: There is not that much evidence for other things.
• 58:08
  Speaker 1: Some people claim that it's beneficial for menopause, but we
• 58:11
  Speaker 1: need way more evidence to confirm that side of things.
• 58:13
  Speaker 1: So we're going to be talking about it from a
• 58:15
  Speaker 1: depression standpoint. Now. The active ingredient is called hyperforin, and
• 58:22
  Speaker 1: that is what has been proven to be effective on depression. Now,
• 58:26
  Speaker 1: biochemical studies report that it is only a weak inhibitor
• 58:30
  Speaker 1: of the monoamine oxidase. So if you guys have listened
• 58:34
  Speaker 1: to my brain factor for a long time, I would
• 58:36
  Speaker 1: have done a brain fact on monoamine oxidase inhibitors or maaois.
• 58:42
  Speaker 1: And this is one of the OG antidepressants that came
• 58:45
  Speaker 1: onto the market. Now that's not going to be the
• 58:46
  Speaker 1: first line of defense that you're going to use. You're
• 58:48
  Speaker 1: going to be prescribed something like an SSRI or an SNRI.
• 58:51
  Speaker 1: But these were the OG antidepressants and they target the
• 58:55
  Speaker 1: monoamine pathway. That's one of the kind of theories of depression.
• 59:01
  Speaker 1: But it is a weak inhibitor of this. But what
• 59:06
  Speaker 1: they found is that it is quite good at inhibiting
• 59:10
  Speaker 1: the reuptake of certain neurotransmitters such as serotonin, dopamine, and neuropenephron.
• 59:15
  Speaker 1: And if you listen to my brain facts on selective
• 59:18
  Speaker 1: serotonin reuptake inhibitors, then you'll know that that's this, that's
• 59:22
  Speaker 1: how these antidepressants work. So if you have ever gone
• 59:25
  Speaker 1: to the doctor and been put on antidepressants, the first
• 59:28
  Speaker 1: antidepressant they would likely put you on is an SS right, Okay,
• 59:32
  Speaker 1: selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. Basically, what it does is it's
• 59:36
  Speaker 1: something that stops the reuptake of these neurochemicals to be
• 59:40
  Speaker 1: pumped back into the original neuron. And when you stop
• 59:44
  Speaker 1: the reuptake of these chemicals, it allows for higher levels
• 59:47
  Speaker 1: of those neurotransmitters to be present and to have their
• 59:52
  Speaker 1: effect on the receiving cell. That's the aim of these neurotransmitters,
• 59:57
  Speaker 1: and they focus on those particular chemicals dopamine in serotonin
• 1:00:00
  Speaker 1: in this case serotonin. Okay, And we're seeing that Saint
• 1:00:04
  Speaker 1: John's wart does that, it can do that to an extent.
• 1:00:07
  Speaker 2: Okay. We also see in in.
• 1:00:11
  Speaker 1: Vitro studies, so this is in a like a p
• 1:00:14
  Speaker 1: Tritish version study in the lab that it has significant
• 1:00:18
  Speaker 1: affinity to gabba A and gabbab glutamate and adena sign.
• 1:00:21
  Speaker 1: So you're seeing that basically in a nutshell, Sat John's
• 1:00:24
  Speaker 1: wort has a big role to play in neurochemicals within
• 1:00:28
  Speaker 1: the brain.
• 1:00:28
  Speaker 2: You're seeing something's going on there.
• 1:00:31
  Speaker 1: You're seeing a change in how the neurotransmitters are either
• 1:00:34
  Speaker 1: they're not being they're not getting reuptaken, they're not getting
• 1:00:38
  Speaker 1: absorbed at the rate that they normally are absorbed in
• 1:00:40
  Speaker 1: someone when they're not taking medication. So that's what we're saying.
• 1:00:43
  Speaker 1: So that's all well and good. However, we are also
• 1:00:47
  Speaker 1: I want to talk about like a very interesting study.
• 1:00:50
  Speaker 1: There's a study that was done and this is on rats, okay,
• 1:00:54
  Speaker 1: and they use something on the rats. When they want
• 1:00:56
  Speaker 1: to test antidepressants on rats, they use something called, it's
• 1:01:00
  Speaker 1: quite cruel, the forced swimming test, and it's the animal
• 1:01:04
  Speaker 1: model of depression.
• 1:01:05
  Speaker 2: So the force swimming.
• 1:01:06
  Speaker 1: Test is basically where they get a rat which has depression,
• 1:01:10
  Speaker 1: and the way that they ensure that this rat has depression.
• 1:01:12
  Speaker 2: There's certain things that they can do.
• 1:01:14
  Speaker 1: They can knock out certain genes, they can disrupt certain
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 1: pathways in the rat. But long story short, they get
• 1:01:19
  Speaker 1: a rat that is depressed versus the control or the
• 1:01:22
  Speaker 1: wild type rat or mouse, and they get them swimming.
• 1:01:25
  Speaker 1: Depressed rats give up a lot faster, so as in
• 1:01:29
  Speaker 1: like they're ready to drown and die. Then rats that
• 1:01:32
  Speaker 1: are happy or not depressed, and mind you, they do
• 1:01:35
  Speaker 1: scoop the rat out of the water before it drowns.
• 1:01:37
  Speaker 1: But that is the model of depression. And they found
• 1:01:40
  Speaker 1: that when they administered Saint John's Wart to the depressed rats,
• 1:01:43
  Speaker 1: they were active and swimming for a lot longer than
• 1:01:48
  Speaker 1: prior to having the Saint John's WoT, where they'd give
• 1:01:50
  Speaker 1: up swimming a lot earlier because they were depressed, so
• 1:01:52
  Speaker 1: they had less of a will to live.
• 1:01:54
  Speaker 2: Very sad.
• 1:01:55
  Speaker 1: But that's the animal model of depression that they use
• 1:01:58
  Speaker 1: within labs in a clinical setting obviously, well in a
• 1:02:01
  Speaker 1: lab setting, I should say. So, now let's talk about
• 1:02:06
  Speaker 1: the potential downside of Saint John's wark, because if you're saying, well,
• 1:02:10
  Speaker 1: this is fucking amazing.
• 1:02:10
  Speaker 2: This is derived from a flower.
• 1:02:13
  Speaker 1: I can get it at the pharmacy and I can
• 1:02:14
  Speaker 1: just start to feel a whole lot better. It's a
• 1:02:16
  Speaker 1: selective serotonin reuptake in hibit but not but natural Okay.
• 1:02:21
  Speaker 1: The problem with Saint John's Ward is that it's it
• 1:02:24
  Speaker 1: interacts so intensely with other medications. It is one of
• 1:02:28
  Speaker 1: the chemical compounds that we take as humans that interacts
• 1:02:32
  Speaker 1: the most with other medications, more so than another medication.
• 1:02:36
  Speaker 1: So it interacts, It interferes with so many different kinds
• 1:02:39
  Speaker 1: of medications, and that's because it also interacts with enzymes
• 1:02:43
  Speaker 1: that your body produces to process medications. So if you're
• 1:02:47
  Speaker 1: on this particular medication for other things, whether it be
• 1:02:50
  Speaker 1: for any kind of meditation, you're likely going to have
• 1:02:54
  Speaker 1: warning signs and your doctor say, do not take this
• 1:02:57
  Speaker 1: alongside Saint John's Wart, or on Saint John's wa when
• 1:03:00
  Speaker 1: you buy the bottle, is going to say, do not
• 1:03:01
  Speaker 1: take this alongside this whole range of other things, because
• 1:03:04
  Speaker 1: you're seeing this interaction where you are stopping that original
• 1:03:09
  Speaker 1: medication that you're taking for something else. It's not working anymore,
• 1:03:13
  Speaker 1: it's not doing its job, okay. So it basically should
• 1:03:15
  Speaker 1: not be used alongside a whole bunch of prescription drugs
• 1:03:19
  Speaker 1: and also over the counter drugs. It also weakens the
• 1:03:21
  Speaker 1: effects of medication that you might use for life saving reasons,
• 1:03:25
  Speaker 1: and it kind of stuffs up how other drugs interact
• 1:03:29
  Speaker 1: with your body. So it can also increase the risk
• 1:03:34
  Speaker 1: of serotonin syndrome depending on what drug it's interacting with,
• 1:03:38
  Speaker 1: if you're taking multiple drugs.
• 1:03:40
  Speaker 2: It can also increase bleeding.
• 1:03:43
  Speaker 1: Depending on the drug interaction. And it increases photosensitivity. So
• 1:03:48
  Speaker 1: photosensitivity is your sensitivity to sunlight. So that is you
• 1:03:52
  Speaker 1: will burn easier or you freckle easier. Okay, so that
• 1:03:56
  Speaker 1: is Saint John's Ward.
• 1:03:56
  Speaker 2: If you've ever wondered, there you have it.
• 1:03:59
  Speaker 1: Guys, thank you so much for listening to this extra
• 1:04:02
  Speaker 1: long episode today. As always, love you so much, and
• 1:04:05
  Speaker 1: remember be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain,
• 1:04:08
  Speaker 1: don't text it from anyone, and especially don't text shit
• 1:04:11
  Speaker 1: from yourself. Dunkard