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64. Is Self-Acceptance Better than Self-Improvement? A Guide to Growth After Divorce · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:49
  Speaker 1: Hi, love, welcome back.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: It's so good to be with you today.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: I have this kind of really heady intellectual like let's noodle through this thing to talk to you about today, and it comes from kind of what's trending on Instagram, if you will.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: I don't just mean Instagram, I mean kind of social media in the world of healing from divorce in general, right, but so there are these two ideas out there in the world of healing, and one of them is that the most important thing you can do in your journey right now is to practice self-acceptance and self-love.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: And the other concept is one that says that self-improvement and personal development needs to be where your healing focus is.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: And I wonder if you could just sit with that for a moment and notice.
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: Do you feel both of those messages coming towards you, right?
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: When is it time to practice self-acceptance and when is it time to practice self-improvement?
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: Well, let's talk about what the two of them are right.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: So and I want to give you my experience, both personally and professionally, with this right, my clinical insight so self-acceptance, truly love, is at the core of all healing work.
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: So when we do EMDR therapy or EFT tapping or immersive journaling, or we get the perfect constitutional homeopathic remedy that stimulates the vital force inside of you each of these tools that I talk about on the pot or that I use in my own practice with clients.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: What ultimately is happening?
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: As we are healing these layers of of traumatic energy that has been stored in the body?
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: What's actually happening is we're peeling back deeper and deeper and deeper layers of self-acceptance.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: I sometimes joke about it as though we are returning to factory settings, right, like that.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: Oftentimes, when we're born into this world, we are born more of a clean slate.
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: We do come in with genetics and historical energies in our bodies, right, but we tend to be born into the world more clean slate than we landed at four decades later in my lived experience.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: So when we're using all of these healing techniques, what are we doing?
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: We're peeling back, because in EMDR, we end up really taking a look at these negative, painful experiences that we had, and part of activating the target and desensitizing and reprocessing the D in the R in EMDR is identifying what negative core belief we associated with that painful of experience.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: Like I had to be perfect or I should have done better, or I'm not lovable, or I can't trust myself or right.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: These are all negative beliefs that we have come to pair with these painful experiences that led to us not believing in ourselves, not trusting in ourselves, not accepting ourselves, not believing we did the best we could at the time with what we had right.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: And these negative beliefs are forms of self-deprecation, of self-rejection, not self-acceptance.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: And then what happens is we end up distorting ourselves to fit into some weird idea that we should have been different, or we should have been more or something or less of something right.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: And that all leads to how well, if I'm not enough, if I'm not lovable, if I didn't do it well enough, if I can't go back because I don't have my time machine working well this week, now, what, oh crap?
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: Now I have to dissociate, right?
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: I have to separate from parts of my mind or certain memories that I have, or I have to try to get out of my how it feels to be in my body, because I've created this space in my mind body that says that I am just simply not it, not good enough, not whole, and none of that's true.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: But we know from living in a modern world with social media that we can become convinced of just about anything and then adapt to live accordingly right.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: And so we see this historically.
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: If we look back at the trends in clothes or in skincare, what is an ideal weight Like?
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: Are you noticing the rise of the gym girly?
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: Right, like into this, okay, we're gonna now build muscle and that is the new kind of ideal body style that we're moving towards, whereas historically maybe it's these wave looking right, so we can be convinced of just about anything, and then we adapt and we try to fit into that right.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: And so I want you to know that, in this idea of well, is my current and best goal self-acceptance or is it self-improvement?
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: Your current and best goal will always be self-acceptance, and we struggle with that.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: We really do right Reform Sephora Attic.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: Coming in hot here, like self-acceptance, has been very hard for me historically.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: But each layer of healing that I do, that's what peace is.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: Do you know how many times I'll be sitting with someone who's moving through a divorce process and you say, but what do you really want?
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: And I bet this is gonna resonate with you right now what do you really want?
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: So many people say peace.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: I want peace, and, yes, I want happiness, I want joy, I want love, I want abundance.
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: I want all these things, right.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, what do we crave?
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: It's peace.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: And what is peace?
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: Self-acceptance.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: And so I want you to claim that for yourself every day, right.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: But then also, okay, dawn, but to get to those layers of self-acceptance, to get to peace, you're telling me to use all these tools.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: Right, there's EMDR and EFT, and immersive journaling and meditation, and nervous system regulation and a nutritious diet.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: And do I eat organic or not?
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: Does it matter?
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: Like all these things about personal development.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: So when do we know if we need to focus on self-acceptance or we need to focus on self-improvement?
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: Because it did take me using self-improvement tools to get to a place of self-acceptance, and that's kind of tricky, right.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: What is it about self-improvement that can lead me to those deeper levels of self-acceptance or to peace?
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: And so when we think about, well, what is self-improvement at its core?
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: And as I was sitting down and noodling through this with producer joy and we were talking about, like, okay, personal development, self-improvement, what is it right?
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: And I started talking about the idea of future self, right, my future self is a visualization that I have for the future, this idea of how I want my future to look.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: It's a vision, right, it's what I might put on my vision board or when I'm manifesting, it's the vibration that I endeavor to embody this idea, that this is what I want for myself in the future.
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: And maybe that looks like for me or for you.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: It looks like a particular relationship or a particular job or a particular home or a particular way of experiencing family relationships or a way of feeling in my body or, oh my gosh, so many things right.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: And so when I think about how I'm living my life today and the choices I'm making, are they in alignment with that future self I visualize?
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: Because I can see future self, I can, mm.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: I can sit and I can do parts work right when I'm sitting with my past self, maybe a younger version, and I'm sitting with my future self in these various parts of me that live inside of my mind and my body and I say, okay, future self, mm.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: Let's hash it out, let's have a meeting right, let's do a little immersive journaling.
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: Are the choices I'm making today in alignment with who you are, with who she is right If I'm visualizing this peaceful version of myself in this magical love relationship with this healthy body and this dream job.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: Are the choices I'm making today in alignment with future self, or are the choices I'm making today leaving me kind of stagnant?
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: Or are the choices I'm making today leading me to end up with a completely divergent future self than what I visualize?
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: Because if I visualize this kind of humming, peaceful, abundant future self but I'm mostly numbing in my day-to-day life, I'm mostly like not moving my body, not journaling or EFT tapping or EMDR or whatever right, like whatever tool you choose to use, and I'm mostly eating kind of a toxic load and I'm mostly focusing on what hurts rather than what heals, then my future self is going to be pretty divergent from what I say I want.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: And so that's where we say okay.
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: The core of healing is self-acceptance and, in essence, my future self is a version of myself where I've accepted myself so holy that I feel so much peace and so much self-love that I am attracting so much powerful stuff.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: I am just I've become one of those happy joys and free people via self-acceptance right.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: But the tools that I'm using to get there are law of attraction, manifestation, tipping up on the vibrational scale right, tipping up on the emotional scale, a gratitude practice, journaling, finding what feels good and really wrapping myself in that right.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: There's a difference between finding what feels good from self-acceptance and finding what feels good from numbing right, because a glass of wine and a great show on Netflix feels really good and there is nothing wrong with that.
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: But when that's the majority of what you do, is it can contribute to a future self where you have more and more and more self-acceptance, or is it contributing to a future self where you still will be in the same spot next year and year after year after year?
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: So this is the question right Is the way you're living life right now contributing to these deeper levels of peace?
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: And one way you might ask yourself that as you're moving through your day is is the choice I'm making for myself right now, in this moment, skin deep or soul deep Right?
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: Because in a world of kind of chasing what looks good versus what is in alignment with future self, a lot of those solutions are going to be skin deep right, and we can look at this in many domains, whether it's literally how I'm caring for my skin, or how I'm caring for my body, or how I'm caring for my mind, how well I'm resting.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: Even the health care solutions that we make.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: Are they skin deep or are they soul deep?
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: Is the way you're moving through this divorce recovery process?
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: Is it speaking to your soul?
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: I think that a lot of the reason you are moving through this divorce recovery process in the first place is because you wanted soul deep solutions, right, your soul, on some level, needed you to be in this transformational process, and so I want you to really start using this as a tool.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: And maybe it's time for a fresh mirror message, right?
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: If you've done the post divorce roadmap and you know that I'm a big fan of mirror messages literally writing something out on your mirror because we all need reminders.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: We all need reminders because we forget and then we get focused on the pain, right?
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: So maybe the new mirror message you use this week is is it skin deep or is it soul deep?
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: And maybe that's a journal prompt that you use, right?
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's a deep breath you take and you check in with yourself and you reevaluate is what you're thinking about right now skin deeper, soul deep?
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: You know so often that's why I go outside each day and sit in the grass is to ask myself that question, because so often, when we get stuck in that repetitive conversation with the ex and the mind, or the repetitive conversation with the coworker or the ex mother-in-law or whatever it is right.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: When we're in those repetitive mental conversations, we are in skin deep spaces.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: We are forgetting the perspective of everything you know, when we sit in nature and we stare out at the ocean or the mountain valley or whatever it is and we're like, oh, there is larger life to be lived out there.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: And I lose track of that when I'm in the four walls of the house and the four walls of my mind, in the four walls of this relationship with this person I am in high conflict with, we lose perspective about what is skin deep versus soul deep love.
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: So I want you to take a deep breath and I want you to notice when you get these messages from Instagram and TikTok and I freaking love Instagram and TikTok because, like they are powerful tools for our learning and our transformation but I want you to also get in the habit of asking yourself, as you're getting inundated with these messages from you know, your friends and your family about what you should be doing and how you should be living and what you should be focusing on, and when you get these messages from your mind about what you should be focusing on.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: I want you to ask yourself is this moving the ball forward towards deeper levels of self acceptance and peace, or am I chasing people pleasing?
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: Am I chasing an image?
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: Am I chasing?
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: Am I running away from fear of rejection?
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: Right, am I avoiding really delicious forms of self improvement?
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: Because I'm avoiding conflict?
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: You know, when I was preparing for this episode and producer Joy and I were chatting, we were talking about how, a lot of times, self acceptance is doing hard things and is saying hard, hard things.
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: Right, because self acceptance is asking myself well, how do I feel about this?
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: How do I really truly deep down, soul deep, feel about this thing?
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: What do I want in this moment?
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: What do I really want versus what I'll settle for because I don't want to ruffle your feathers, right?
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: And so self acceptance is getting quiet and sitting with.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: What do I want, what do I need?
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: What makes sense for this moment on a soul deep level, versus I am struggling to express the soul deep answer because I'm so afraid of what you or he or she or they are going to say, think, feel or do.
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: Right, so much of what ghosting culture or cancel.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: Cultural is about is we get ghosted and we ghost other people because we are not practicing self acceptance.
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: We are rejecting our own truth and struggle to tolerate saying it and leaving space between for the next thing to unfold or evolve.
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: Right, and so to say the hard thing and did not even have all the answers about it, right, love, self acceptance doesn't mean having all the answers.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: Peace often comes from saying this is what I want, this is what I long for, and I honestly don't know how to get there.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: I don't know how to get from here to there, but I'm going to put it out there, I'm going to see what you say next and I'm going to say what I say next and what you say next and what I say next, right, and so a lot of times it's self acceptance is giving myself the space to acknowledge what it is that I want, what I need, what I'm looking for.
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: And the self improvement comes with sitting with the unfolding of that process, saying, okay, I have the courage to say my future self wants this, this and this, and I'm not going to give up on that.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: You know, because a lot of times giving up on ourselves is the opposite of self acceptance right, saying getting stuck in a loop of that, that health status I want is not possible for me.
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: That relationship status I want is not possible for me.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: That peaceful, happy state that I want is not possible for me.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: Getting into that negative belief rut is not self acceptance, that's self denial, that's self abandonment.
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: Now are, are we ever going to heal ourselves or accept ourselves out of symptoms or contrast or pain?
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: No, no, no, no, no, no.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: Pain or contrast or discomfort is a part of living, right?
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: Growing strong comes with discomfort.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: Building resilient children and resilient relationships, that comes as a result of tolerating discomfort, saying hard things, right.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: So we're never going to self-acceptance ourselves out of discomfort.
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: Love, right, but it's being able to experience peace alongside the discomfort, to know that, ah, this hurts.
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: I'm experiencing some pain, but I'll have to focus on it because I know that I've experienced enough growth, that I'm using enough strategies, that I love myself well enough that I'm not going to beat myself up about the pain or about the fact that I didn't do this effectively the first handful of times I tried it.
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: Or this person reacted when I expressed myself and then that scared me and then I got nervous and said some dumb stuff.
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: Right, it's.
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: Oh, that's okay, it's having grace for ourselves in the growth process.
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: That's self-acceptance, right?
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: So I want you to notice are you practicing alignment with the future self?
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: Have you forgotten about your future self?
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: Or are you completely denying her?
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: Are you completely saying like, hmm, she's not even possible anymore, or are you kind of sensing that you're in that groove where you're like, yeah, I can visualize a future and and yeah, I'm chipping away at it?
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: I'm chipping away at deeper levels of self-acceptance and self-peace and I, generally speaking, am making so deep decisions and I dabble in skin deep because everybody needs to dabble there from time to time right, yeah, right.
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: So check it out with yourself.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: Have you gotten in a rut of denying what's possible for yourself?
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: Have you gotten in a rut of maybe getting a little too much into self-soothing versus self-improvement?
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: Have you gotten in a rut of not allowing yourself to know what you want or what you need, or to not say what you want or what you need?
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: Or are you doing a really good job of pressing just outside of your comfort zone to practice right, practice.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: No, this is actually what I want.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: I don't know, but like this is.
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: This is the thing, right?
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: So, hmm, what is the self-accepting belief you need to focus on this week, right?
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: Is it that I am lovable?
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: I don't have to be perfect.
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: I can learn how to trust myself.
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: Is it that, hmm, I'm learning from this?
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: I'm doing my best today.
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: I can learn how to trust other people.
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: I can control my future destiny.
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: I can work towards a future.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: That's beautiful, right?
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: What is the positive, affirming, self-accepting belief you need to focus on this week?
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: Write it in your journal, write it on your mirror along with.
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: Is it skin deeper, soul deep, right.
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: And just notice, when you get inundated with messages from culture, from society, that you check it out through the filter of is this forwarding my mission of self-acceptance, of growth, being soul deep, yes, improving myself, sometimes via rest, right?
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: Notice that sometimes self-improvement is deep.
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: Rest, right, and just check these things out in the next days and weeks and see how they feel.
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: And then, when you get inundated with these societal messages, you have a tool to sift and sort.
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: You have a number of tools to sift and sort through what's aligned with your future self that you are learning to accept and love well, versus what's going to keep you stuck in a place of scarcity, right, noticing if a tool that you're being encouraged to use is coming from a place of scarcity and disbelief, or self-rejection or self-abandonment versus self-love and self-acceptance.
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: You've got this.
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: I love you so much.
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: Talk soon, peace.