Latest / Trauma Free Relationship / What to Say Instead of Getting Defensive

Transcript

What to Say Instead of Getting Defensive · Trauma Free Relationship

0:03
Welcome back to Trauma Free relationship.
0:06
If you're new, welcome. If this is the first time you're
0:09
joining us, I appreciate you tuning in.
0:12
My name is Tom Phil and I'm your host.
0:15
I have been working with couples and individuals for years to
0:19
help them break their painful patterns so that they can learn
0:23
to communicate better, repair faster, and stay connected
0:28
longer. I'm really excited about our
0:31
episode today. This is a real sort of boots on
0:35
the ground, real world kind of episode.
0:38
So we're going to try to stay away from a lot of the that the
0:41
theory and the philosophy of relationships and really taught
0:46
ground level tactics. So the title of this episode is
0:50
What to say instead ahead of getting defensive.
0:55
And what I see so often in couples that I work with is they
1:00
really struggle to know what to do differently in situations
1:06
when they begin to feel themselves or their partner
1:10
starting to get defensive. And So what that does is there's
1:14
some kind of trigger that then usually causes one or both
1:19
partners to move into their protective response, which is
1:24
normal and natural. When we feel there's some kind
1:27
of threat to the relationship or to our identity, it's only
1:33
natural for us to then move in and protect ourselves into some
1:38
kind of a protective instinct. As I always say, we are made for
1:43
protection just as much as we are made for connection.
1:47
So having a protective strategy is, is not wrong, but being able
1:53
to have control over that to some degree is what allows you
1:58
more flexibility in your relationships with your partner.
2:03
And so we want to be able to figure out, OK, when we start to
2:07
get triggered and we start to move into our protection, that's
2:12
more likely going to cause escalation and more likely going
2:16
to cause a cycle in the relationship.
2:19
Now a cycle is just a usually a painful predictive pattern that
2:25
plays out that both partners contribute to regardless of the
2:31
topic. And all couples fall and have
2:35
different types of patterns that play out in their relationship.
2:40
Even even healthy couples can fall into patterns.
2:44
And so the difference between say a healthy couple and a non
2:48
healthy couple is not that one has patterns and the others
2:51
don't. And the difference is the the
2:56
amounts of rigidity in that pattern.
3:00
So healthy couples have patterns too.
3:02
But the problem is, or rather the the benefit they have is,
3:07
though they don't last as long, they know how to quickly
3:11
deescalate. They know how to quickly repair,
3:14
restore communication. And so their patterns might
3:18
flare up and then be deescalated and they might get back into a
3:23
place of connection within a matter of minutes or hours.
3:28
Whereas couples that don't have that advantage where the pattern
3:32
has been prolonged and the cycle has sort of become very rigid,
3:38
it that pattern may play out over days or even weeks at a
3:43
time. And so it really sets in and
3:46
becomes rigid in in the relationship and almost acts as
3:51
a third person. One of our goals through our
3:55
Relationship Cycle Reset program is to help couples break those
4:00
patterns so that they can have a rupture and a repair much more
4:05
quickly within a matter of a few minutes or hours as opposed to
4:11
many long days. And I think a lot of this starts
4:13
with what do we say when we feel ourselves starting to get
4:17
defensive or we see some kind of defensiveness in our partner
4:22
that can actually lead to some kind of escalation.
4:26
And so that's what we're going to focus on here today.
4:30
You know, your partner might come to you and might bring up
4:33
something they want to talk about, something important to
4:36
the relationship or to them, but they do so in a way that might
4:41
feel criticized. So right away you might feel
4:45
blamed or criticized or attacked for something.
4:50
And when that happens, before you know what, you can almost
4:53
feel that temperature rise in your body and you start to feel
4:57
yourself getting a little bit defensive.
5:00
That wall kind of goes up. And so as I said, this right
5:05
here becomes the trigger, the moment where we want to learn to
5:10
interrupt our cycles in real time and recognize them so that
5:15
we can do something different than have that same cycle play
5:19
out. And so the question becomes,
5:22
what do we say in these moments instead of getting defensive, if
5:27
we feel blamed or attacked or accused of something, either,
5:32
you know, we're feeling a threat to the relationship.
5:35
Uh oh, we're going to, we're going to do that thing again.
5:38
Uh oh, this is going to lead to another argument, another fight,
5:41
another cycle. I see this train coming and
5:46
there's nothing I can do to stop it.
5:48
And I hear that a lot from one or both partners.
5:52
It feels like once they try to sit down and talk about
5:55
something important or maybe even something that that has a
5:59
little bit of vulnerable emotion to it, it feels like this train
6:03
is coming and they just can't stop it.
6:06
And so in those moments, we really want to identify what can
6:11
we say differently instead of getting defensive and that cycle
6:16
playing out its normal loop, what can we do differently?
6:20
So instead of the defensiveness, the escalation, the same fight
6:25
which breaks down communication and connection, we're going to
6:28
dive in and we're going to talk about what can we do
6:31
differently. The first thing I want to hone
6:34
in on though is the defensive habits that come up.
6:38
Because often times what will happen is one person, a partner
6:44
will come and want to talk to the other partner.
6:46
And they might come in in a very soft way.
6:50
But the cycle has been so rigid that even though they try to
6:56
approach it in a soft way, it's still triggers their partner.
7:00
And as soon as their partner gets triggered, then they become
7:04
triggered themselves. So now we've got both both
7:07
partners, both individuals that are starting to feel triggered
7:12
in the relationship. So even even though you may not
7:16
come in and meaning to be attacking a meaning to be, you
7:22
know, blaming or criticizing, even the fact you come in and
7:27
try to be slow and low, as we say, right?
7:30
You, you, you drop your vocal tone a little bit.
7:33
It's a softer tone. You're not coming in already all
7:37
worked up because you thought about this for hours or days, or
7:41
you've held on to something so long that it kind of just
7:43
explodes out because that certainly is going to feel like
7:48
an attack to your partner. Even if you come in slow and
7:52
low, it can still be triggering to your partner because your
7:55
partner's anticipating that cycle.
7:58
And So what happens? What is it that you see that
8:01
that defensiveness looks like? So I want to just kind of point
8:05
out three kind of defensive habits that actually can ruin
8:09
these conversations that actually kind of start us down
8:12
the road of those painful cycles that so many couples get stuck
8:18
in. One of the first one is
8:20
explaining. So you come in and you might
8:23
want to be talking to your partner and what you sense and
8:26
what you see from them is an immediate explanation.
8:30
And what that means is that they're automatically feeling on
8:34
the defensive. You can see it.
8:36
You can probably hear it in their tone.
8:39
You can probably see it in their eyes or in their facial
8:42
expressions. Maybe when you come in and say,
8:44
hey, can I talk to you about something that happened
8:47
yesterday that kind of hurt my feelings?
8:50
You might get an eye roll or a, a, a sort of a sigh.
8:54
Yeah, we could talk about that. And immediately, you know, you,
8:57
you can feel your whole body just stiff and like, oh, I
9:00
didn't want this to happen. I was trying so hard.
9:03
And your partner immediately starts to anticipate, OK, I'm
9:07
going to be attacked. I'm going to be blamed.
9:09
I'm going to be criticized. And so before you even hardly
9:12
get something out, what you see in your partner is an
9:16
explanation and they're trying to justify why they did what
9:20
they did. That's not what I meant.
9:22
Well, I meant it differently. What you don't understand and
9:26
what happens is the more you try to explain, the more your
9:30
partner feels unheard. And so if you're showing up and
9:35
immediately you feel yourself get defensive and you start
9:38
trying to explain why you did what you did.
9:41
And of course you're probably feeling a little bit attacked.
9:44
I get that. But if you start explaining
9:46
that, you're immediately going to start falling into that
9:50
feedback loop because your partner's not going to feel
9:54
heard or understood. So that's one of those defensive
9:57
maneuvers that can really derail those conversations.
10:01
Another one is turning it back on your partner.
10:05
So instead of being able to, to sit and listen or absorb or even
10:11
be curious about why your partner feels the way they do,
10:15
you immediately start sort of reverse attacking, if you will.
10:20
Well, this completely feels unfair.
10:22
What about the time you did that?
10:24
Well, no, that's not what I meant.
10:25
See, here you go again. You're making mountains out of
10:28
Mow Hills. So notice what I did there?
10:31
You know, I, I turn that around so that it's not so much now my
10:36
partner's concern, but I've shifted it and put the emphasis
10:40
on me about my concern. And so often times that reverse
10:46
attack can very much derail those conversations.
10:51
And it's another sort of defensive maneuver or habit, if
10:55
you will, they can really derail these conversations.
10:58
So when when that happens, if we're if we're shifting it back
11:03
or turning it around on our partner, what we're doing then
11:07
basically is completely eliminating any ability for us
11:14
to be able to hear our partner out, for us to be able to attune
11:17
to our partner or even just be curious about why our partner
11:22
feels this way. And So what we do is we reverse
11:25
attack. What about you?
11:27
Will you do this? And so that's a surefire way for
11:31
these conversations to go off the rails.
11:35
And I think the third one I see the most with couples is where
11:39
they tend to minimize the concern.
11:43
It's not that big of a deal. Oh, you took it the wrong way.
11:47
Oh, I was just joking. It was just a joke.
11:51
Well, our partner might not have felt like it was a joke.
11:54
It might have been something that was at their expense, it
11:58
might have felt like it hurt their feelings and they just
12:01
want you to be able to hear that.
12:04
So if you see this in your partner where they try to
12:07
minimize your concern, this is probably another real big one
12:11
that I see often in my couples that I work with where that this
12:17
will derail the conversation. Because essentially what happens
12:22
is they are minimizing the concern and again, communicating
12:27
the to their partner that whatever it is they're concerned
12:31
about, it's not really worth it. They really don't have any
12:34
ground to stand on it. They're making mountains out of
12:38
mow Hills. They're, once again, they're
12:40
causing conflict out of nothing or whatever that might be.
12:45
So being able to catch these three different defensive
12:49
maneuvers and how that can derail these conversations is
12:54
really important. So if your partner comes to you
12:57
and you feel yourself starting to get defensive, and we're
13:01
going to talk about what to do here in just a moment, but these
13:04
are three things that you don't want to do.
13:06
You don't want to start explaining immediately.
13:10
You don't want to turn it back on your partner and start
13:12
attacking them and make it about you.
13:15
And 3rd, you don't want to minimize whatever it is they're
13:19
concerned about because this will start the conversation down
13:23
rabbit holes almost every single time.
13:26
And the reason is because all three of these defensive
13:29
maneuvers basically communicate to your partner that you're not
13:34
interested in hearing what they have to say.
13:37
You're not interested in their feelings, that you can't sit
13:41
with their feelings and, and try to understand it or be curious
13:46
about them. And rather than than you being a
13:49
partner that can show up in a way that can actually be a, an
13:53
available soothing, comforting resource for them that you're
13:57
actually the opposite. You are a, a unhelpful resource
14:03
for them being able to share their feelings.
14:06
And so we want to take all those and we want to do the opposite
14:11
almost. And we're going to get to that
14:12
here in just a moment. But you can see how this plays
14:15
out in conversations where one partner will come and bring up
14:20
something to the other apartment.
14:21
It could be about anything, could be about the kids, the
14:24
dishes, finances, you know, something that happened that
14:28
hurt their feelings could be about their sex life.
14:31
Whatever the topic is it in that moment, there's there's a
14:37
crucial moment that happens and the other partner can either
14:42
start getting defensive and start using one of these three
14:45
different maneuvers that can actually derail the
14:49
conversation, or they can do something different that can
14:52
really help their partner feel heard and understood.
14:57
And so that's when we're going to get to next.
15:00
So what is it that we want to be able to do?
15:03
What do we do instead of getting defensive?
15:06
We're going to use the R method ARE method and the first one of
15:13
that is acknowledge. We want to be able to simply
15:18
acknowledge what our partners saying to us.
15:21
This is the first step to doing something different than getting
15:26
defensive when we are able and capable of acknowledging our
15:31
partners concern right away. What we're doing is we are
15:35
inviting them into a dialogue and we are letting them know
15:39
that we are capable of listening and probably to some degree
15:44
capable of tolerating whatever feelings they bring to us.
15:49
And this is huge. This is huge for creating a
15:53
secure attachment. This is huge for being able to
15:56
break cycles because when we communicate non verbally to our
16:01
partner that we can tolerate their feelings, then that makes
16:04
them feel more safe so that they can open up to us and they feel
16:09
more safe and being able to open up to us in those kinds of
16:14
conversations. So the first thing we're going
16:16
to do is acknowledge how do we do that?
16:18
We just simply validate, we validate their experience.
16:21
We might say, oh, I can see how you would feel that way.
16:25
Oh, I can see how even though I was joking, that could be
16:29
hurtful, right? So we're just learning about
16:34
what it was that upset them or hurt them or what they want to
16:38
discuss in the 1st place and acknowledging their experience.
16:42
Now, this is important because acknowledging their experience
16:46
and their feelings doesn't necessarily we agree with
16:49
everything they're saying. And it doesn't necessarily mean
16:52
that we agree with all the content of what they're saying.
16:55
For example, if they come to us and there's a decision that
16:58
needs to be made about the kids and you know, when there needs
17:03
to be discussion about that, it doesn't necessarily mean that we
17:06
agree with their solution in how to handle something with with
17:11
the children. What it means is that we can
17:14
understand what they feel. Yeah, you're right.
17:16
This is a tricky situation. We're going to have to talk
17:18
about this. Yeah, you're right.
17:20
That is difficult. I'm, I'm sorry you had that,
17:22
that conversation with that teacher that was, that was
17:25
really rough. Boy, that wasn't handled well by
17:28
her at all. I'm sorry you had to deal with
17:30
that or yeah, I'm sorry your boss, you know, made you work
17:33
late the other night. And I can certainly, you know,
17:36
empathize with that because I, I've, I've been in that same
17:39
situation. All we're doing is acknowledging
17:42
the feelings behind their experience, what it is they're
17:46
saying to us. And when we do that again, we
17:50
learn to to be uncomfortable and to hold kind of like a
17:56
container, if you will, whatever it is they're feeling.
17:59
And we're communicating that, hey, your feelings aren't too
18:02
much for for me, I can handle those feelings.
18:05
We communicate to our partner that we care, that we that we
18:09
listen and that we want to hear more.
18:13
And then last, by by acknowledging and validating
18:16
their feelings, we're inviting them into that conversation.
18:20
We're not shutting it down because those 3 defensive
18:23
maneuvers that I talked about, those are ways of shutting the
18:26
conversation down, not opening it up.
18:30
So with the R method, the first one is acknowledging.
18:34
We want to just acknowledge what they're talking about.
18:36
We want to be able to sit with whatever it is they're feeling
18:40
and validate their experience of that.
18:43
The second part of this is reflect, reflect.
18:47
So we're going to reflect back what it is they're hearing.
18:51
So we're going to want to mirror back what it is they're saying
18:54
to us, and we don't have to use the exact same language.
18:58
I felt hurt when you made that joke at my expense.
19:01
I hear that you felt hurt when I made that joke at your expense.
19:05
That's too mechanical. We don't want to do that.
19:08
You can mirror back by adding some things to it.
19:11
You can mirror something back by being able to say, Oh, I, I'm
19:15
you, you felt hurt by that joke. I'm, I'm so sorry.
19:19
That probably was insensitive of me or oh, I could totally get
19:23
how that would be hurtful. I, I can understand that.
19:27
I, I can't. I was being playful.
19:28
I was being, you know, a little showy office.
19:30
You know how I get when we're around other people, that part
19:33
of my personality just comes out.
19:35
But no, I totally get that. That makes sense why you were
19:38
hurt, right? You're, you're just mirroring
19:41
back that, oh, I can listen to your concern.
19:46
I can sit with it. And I'm letting you know not
19:49
only that I can understand how you feel, but that I'm getting
19:53
clarity around what you're saying as well.
19:56
And so being able to reflect back is just getting clear on on
20:01
what they're saying. Another way that you can do that
20:05
is simply by saying. Oh, you, you felt hurt by that?
20:09
I, I didn't realize that I'm, I'm, you know, tell me more
20:12
about how that hurt your feeling.
20:14
I'm, I'm confused. I, I want to know more, right.
20:17
So you can mirror or reflect back, even by asking a question
20:22
again, what you're doing is you're opening up a dialogue
20:25
with them. You're inviting them into that
20:27
conversation. You're not shutting it down like
20:30
the the defensive movers we talked about, but rather you're,
20:34
you're you're opening up that conversation by being curious
20:38
and wanting to know more. And so being able to reflect
20:42
back what they're saying is just clarifying their concern and
20:46
letting them know that you are listening.
20:50
And so the E is engage, so A is acknowledge, R is reflect, and E
20:58
is we're going to stay engaged in the conversation.
21:03
So we're going to stay curious, we're going to stay emotionally
21:06
present. And so we want to be able to,
21:11
again, continue that conversation and be a helpful,
21:15
useful resource for them so that we create enough safety in that
21:20
conversation that they feel like they can open up and express.
21:25
Because if they're concerned that conversations going to
21:29
cause a cycle and your concern is going to cause a cycle, then
21:34
the way you break out of that cycle is to use this R method.
21:38
Acknowledge, reflect back and, and engage in that conversation.
21:44
And that is something you can do differently than being
21:47
defensive. Because when we stay engaged, we
21:50
stay emotionally available to our partner.
21:52
We stay emotionally responsive to our partner.
21:56
We can separate the intent from the action.
21:59
You know what? I'm, I'm so sorry.
22:01
I can see where that would be hurtful.
22:03
My intent was not to make a joke at your expense, but boy, I can
22:08
sure see how it landed that way or how it felt a little bit
22:11
embarrassing in front of our friends.
22:13
I'm sorry. I won't do that again.
22:15
That that certainly was the last thing that I would want to do is
22:19
to feel like I'm, I'm keeping you down or putting you down and
22:23
in front of people that we enjoy socializing with and, and our
22:27
friends. So I you know, I'm sorry, that
22:29
certainly wasn't my intent. I was probably just being
22:32
flippant and you know how I can be and, and, but I can see how
22:36
that is hurtful. So when you stay engaged, you
22:38
can separate the behavior from the intent and you can take some
22:44
responsibility for your actions. And that's crucial as well.
22:50
So staying engaged means that you can take some responsibility
22:55
for what happened and for how it impacted them.
22:58
I have two sons and I remember when they were young, inevitably
23:04
they're three years apart. Inevitably one son would always,
23:08
you know, engage and they would be roughhousing or whatever.
23:11
And the older boy would always somehow, you know, hurt the
23:14
younger kid when, when they're three and, and, you know, 6 or,
23:18
you know, 5 and 8, whatever, these things are going to
23:19
happen. And so the younger son, of
23:22
course, would always come crying to us.
23:24
And you know, my brother hurt me and, and we would comfort and
23:27
soothe him. And then we would go to the
23:29
older boy and say, you know, you, you hurt your brother, you
23:32
need to apologize. The first thing he would always
23:34
say is I didn't mean to. I and we were like, of course,
23:37
of course you didn't mean to. We know what you guys do.
23:41
Of course you did. You love your brother.
23:42
You didn't mean to hurt your brother, but you still did
23:45
because you're bigger and you need to learn to be a little
23:48
more gentle because you're bigger than your brother is
23:51
right now. And so having him learn how to
23:54
separate the behavior from the intent was being able to stay
23:59
engaged in that conversation enough with him that we could
24:03
mirror back what he was feeling. We could validate what he was
24:06
feeling, his intent, and we could stay engaged in that
24:10
conversation enough to get him to be able to hear us.
24:13
That we weren't blaming or criticizing him, but that he
24:16
needed to be able to take responsibility for his actions,
24:20
even though that was very different from the intent.
24:24
And so doing something differently instead of getting
24:27
defensive, means that we can catch these cycles in real time.
24:32
We can see how they play out. We can see what they look like.
24:36
We know how we show up at times and contribute to the cycle.
24:41
And it's really important for us to be able to know what our
24:44
cycles look like and to be able to map those because we have to
24:47
be able to recognize those micro moments that when they start,
24:53
when we get triggered, they might cause a real cycle.
24:57
And so instead of doing those 3 defensive maneuvers, explaining,
25:02
turning it back on our partner or minimize, we want to be able
25:06
to acknowledge, We want to be able to reflect back what
25:10
they're saying and mirror what they're saying.
25:12
And we want to be able to stay engaged so that we invite them
25:16
into a conversation that actually doesn't cause a cycle.