Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / She Said "I'm Not In Love With You." Now What? | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep502

Transcript

She Said "I'm Not In Love With You." Now What? | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep502 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: The big event that causes divorce.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: Marriage questions that you secretly ask, and what do they mean?
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: Why couples therapy failed and what actually works.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: Labeling your partner, and I'm gonna go with narcissist.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Triggers versus cognitive distortions, guys.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: Ooh, this might trigger you and put you into your own distortion.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: Answer the question: the myth about happy wife, happy life, and why it's destroying marriages.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: The big event that causes divorce.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the Moral Marriage Podcast, guys, and I am excited to bring you this episode because the last episode I was telling you about this new quiz that I built, and where uh I got this idea for this episode is when you get your results from my quiz, you're going to see like a headline.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: So uh, you know, something like, you know, your frenemies, if you don't know, that's one of the categories that I've created.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: So is there a superpower couple on the on there?
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: Let me take the quiz.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but essentially, uh, you go through and you get this headline, it'll be like, you know, we're friend, you're frenemies right now, and you're it'll give this like event that happened for you.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: And uh, I didn't think of that.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: It was my AI.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: And when it did that, I was like, this is wild because when I speak to men, when they start talking about what's happened and what they need to deal with in their moment in that situation, if you stop them and you go back to whoa, can you go back to like when she actually said she was leaving, or when she actually left, or when you said fine divorce, or or whatever the thing was, they almost always start processing and thinking about all this bullshit.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: But what we've learned is if we can get you to compartmentalize everything, break it all down.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't he say that cute?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Compartmentalize.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: He says it so he enunciates it so perfectly.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: I think I'm compartmentalizing each section of the work.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I love it.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: So, why this is important for you, if you guys can break down the isolated things, so you start with your headline and you work backwards.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: You know, when Catherine said, I'm not in love, I'm not attracting, I'm settling, yeah, I didn't have the right tools and I was fucking mad.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: But when I started to look back, I didn't have the tools either, you guys.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: And when you start to look back, I start to realize there's lots of things we can do.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: That like one of the things I teach men is like, why you fail?
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like you you didn't know that, like, let's say romance, a lot of women want to be chased, but now she's feeling smothered.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: Well, romance, if you look at the dictionary definition, is mystery and excitement surrounded by love or wrapped by love, depending which dictionary you're looking at.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: And so when you start to go and break down all of these little things that were missing, you can then start to break down your behavior.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: You know, uh, I'll give you an example.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: Sex is a big topic.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: And if your partner doesn't want you and you want them, one of the questions that you might hear me ask all the time is, well, then who's more desirable?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: Another big one that I broke down was like, um, you know, if you're not the problem, you are sorry, if you're not the solution, you are the problem.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: How is this relevant?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: Most of you get wrapped up in whatever moment that you think of.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, whatever the big thing is.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: If I could have done this right, if it could be less defensive, I this is this and this and this wouldn't have happened.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's not if I could have only.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's if he did, or if she did, or if it's not usually, oh, what could I have done differently?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for the correction.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you're right.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: And so if we can start to look at it like this, this is really cool because we I was I was already going through this whole thought process because I've been building this quiz for about a week.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: And then I went on one of my coaches' calls and just I like to help them out sometimes.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: And uh he was giving a lesson along this line.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: And the whole point is this that if you start with the headline and you work back to the different headline subcategories, let's call them, and then you start to look back to not the they did, but the I, what could I do differently?
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: All of a sudden, all of a sudden, you can start to break down the right questions, right?
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like, in other words, the romance example is a good one where it's like, oh, like I let myself slip with dates, would be where you normally stop, but but but like mystery and excitement surrounded by love.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what kind of anticipation do you ever create?
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: So if you guys can start to figure out instead of the big event, start to look at the subcategories, start to look at what you can take responsibility for, and then start to ask different questions.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: Then I think you'll start to see that the big event really boils down to the individual who never actually learned.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: Did you have a role model?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: Even if you have a great role model like Catherine's dad was wonderful, their marriage on the outside, their family wasn't it wasn't that bad.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: But there were still things that changed in Catherine, or the way she grew, and the way she became a woman, and the way she was affected by, let's say, me.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: So she unknowingly did the same thing, breaking it down, trying to figure out what she could do differently.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: You know, in that prayer challenge, I have a 21, by the time this comes out, November 2nd should be right around the corner.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: 21-day prayer challenge and a prayer and worship challenge for you guys, all about marriage and marriage issues.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: These would be good examples of headlines that actually matter, not the big event that those headlines caused.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: Is it making sense?
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: So that's on our app, go at moralmarriage.com, 21-day prayer and worship challenge.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: You start to break it down.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: For example, Change Me is a song that I created, and we're gonna pray around it and there's scripture to back it all up because we all spend so much time trying to pray for our spouse.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's your headline.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: My partner is insecure.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: Can you work on their heart, God?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, man, can you just change you?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: Can we look at ourselves instead of their behavior?
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like you start to look at the real questions and what you can control, and then you can lean on God for the right way, and you can start to actually create change in your life.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: How cool is that?
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: So cool.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: All right, guys.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: We'll see you next time.