Latest / Beautifully Complex / 282: Single Parenting with Neurodivergent Kids, with Dr. Gila

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282: Single Parenting with Neurodivergent Kids, with Dr. Gila · Beautifully Complex

0:03
Speaker 1: Whether you're divorced or widowed or single parent by choice,
0:07
Speaker 1: in your home, you can decide what you want your
0:12
Speaker 1: relationship to look like with your kids. It is sometimes
0:15
Speaker 1: a little overwhelming to hear that, because I'm not gonna lie.
0:18
Speaker 1: It is a big responsibility and it is I think,
0:22
Speaker 1: really empowering because it means that there is something within
0:26
Speaker 1: our control that we can do to create the relationship
0:31
Speaker 1: and the home that we want.
0:34
Speaker 2: Welcome to the Beautifully Complex podcast, where I share insights
0:38
Speaker 2: and strategies on parenting neurodivergent kids straight from the trenches.
0:43
Speaker 2: I'm your host, Penny Williams. I'm a parenting coach, author
0:46
Speaker 2: and mindset mama, honored to guide you on the journey
0:50
Speaker 2: of raising your atypical kid. Let's get started.
0:57
Speaker 3: Welcome back to Beautifully Complex, everybody. I am really thrilled
1:02
Speaker 3: to have doctor Gala here with me to talk about
1:06
Speaker 3: single parenting and probably a lot of single motherhood I
1:11
Speaker 3: would imagine, and it's something that I realized that I
1:14
Speaker 3: haven't covered in all the years of this podcast, but
1:18
Speaker 3: so important because so many people out there are parenting
1:23
Speaker 3: kind of alone, not really alone, but probably feels very
1:28
Speaker 3: lonely and so doctor Gala is going to give us
1:31
Speaker 3: a lot of tips and strategies and insights on making
1:37
Speaker 3: the most I think of single parenting and single motherhood.
1:40
Speaker 3: So will you start by introducing yourself and let everybody
1:44
Speaker 3: know who you are and what you do in the world.
1:47
Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you so much for having me, and also
1:51
Speaker 1: for making space for this topic, because, like you said,
1:54
Speaker 1: I think it's it's often an overlooked topic. And I
1:58
Speaker 1: have to say, when I first went into coaching, I
2:00
Speaker 1: wasn't sure whether to really focus on this, and I
2:03
Speaker 1: became more and more passionate about it, partly because there
2:06
Speaker 1: isn't a lot of focus in a lot of places.
2:08
Speaker 1: And also every time I say I'm a single parent,
2:11
Speaker 1: the person says either I'm a single parent too, or
2:14
Speaker 1: oh my best friend is a single parent, or my
2:17
Speaker 1: sister is going through a divorce, or I'm partnered. But
2:20
Speaker 1: I sure as heck feel like a single parent, right.
2:23
Speaker 1: So I get that a lot, and so I think
2:26
Speaker 1: that this is something that we don't talk about enough,
2:29
Speaker 1: and that is something worthy of attention. So thank you
2:32
Speaker 1: for making space for that. So I am a single mom.
2:37
Speaker 1: I started my career actually as a psychologist and a neuropsychologist.
2:43
Speaker 1: And you know, what I like to tell people is
2:45
Speaker 1: that even with all of my fancy degrees and experience
2:49
Speaker 1: and all of that stuff, single parenting has still been challenging.
2:53
Speaker 1: So if it's challenging for you, I want you to
2:56
Speaker 1: hear that that is, you know, not that I'm the epitome,
2:59
Speaker 1: but you know, it's absolutely common, it's absolutely understandable, it
3:05
Speaker 1: makes sense. And so I took a deep dive. My
3:09
Speaker 1: son was, you know, having a lot of challenges sort
3:12
Speaker 1: of thrown his way by life and also like temperamental
3:15
Speaker 1: stuff that I wasn't sure how to handle, and so
3:17
Speaker 1: I took a deep dive into figuring out really how
3:20
Speaker 1: to best parent him the way that he needed and
3:24
Speaker 1: in the context of me being a single parent. So
3:27
Speaker 1: I did a lot of work and in that process
3:28
Speaker 1: became really passionate about supporting other parents, and so I
3:32
Speaker 1: became a GI certified parent coach, and I'm also a
3:36
Speaker 1: certified clinic coach, And yeah, I just love supporting parents
3:40
Speaker 1: and increasingly, you know, really addressing this topic of single parenting.
3:45
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's funny that we don't talk about it enough
3:49
Speaker 3: and yet it is so so common, you know, I
3:53
Speaker 3: mean it's so common and you need support, Like I
3:57
Speaker 3: can imagine that it's a really lonely existence if you
4:01
Speaker 3: lett it me. And you know, in a lot of
4:04
Speaker 3: my coaching work, I get parents speaking up saying, but
4:08
Speaker 3: you know, I don't have that second person to give
4:11
Speaker 3: me a break when I need a break. I don't have,
4:14
Speaker 3: you know, a backup to leave the house and take
4:17
Speaker 3: care of myself.
4:18
Speaker 1: And what do I do then?
4:21
Speaker 3: And because I don't live that, I don't know those resources.
4:25
Speaker 3: And so I'm so super happy that we're going to
4:28
Speaker 3: share them today.
4:29
Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's exactly one of the main reasons why
4:33
Speaker 1: I want to talk about single parenting. So I had
4:36
Speaker 1: this one day actually towards the beginning of my coaching career,
4:42
Speaker 1: and I was on Instagram. I hadn't done a lot
4:45
Speaker 1: of social media before then, and I, for whatever reason,
4:49
Speaker 1: stumbled on three reels like back to back that each
4:53
Speaker 1: had something that was like potentially triggering for single parents
4:57
Speaker 1: or not supportive for single parents. Right, So messaging about
5:01
Speaker 1: like you said, right, tag your partner in have more
5:04
Speaker 1: balance in your partnership, or the importance of having an
5:08
Speaker 1: active dad in your kid's life, or the importance of
5:11
Speaker 1: modeling healthy relationship with your partner, right, So, and these
5:15
Speaker 1: are all absolutely important and valid topics and should be addressed.
5:20
Speaker 1: And when you're a single parent and you're looking for
5:23
Speaker 1: parenting support, it's like, I think, there's so many beautiful,
5:27
Speaker 1: like truly beautiful parenting resources out there, which I'm so
5:30
Speaker 1: grateful for both as a parent and as a parent coach.
5:34
Speaker 1: But then there's these little like landmines. Right, So, most
5:39
Speaker 1: of the parenting support is universal, right, we all want
5:41
Speaker 1: to work on self regulation and self care and how
5:45
Speaker 1: to handle tantrums and how to meet our kids needs
5:47
Speaker 1: and communication. All of those things are applicable to partnered,
5:51
Speaker 1: single whatever. And then so you're you're there engaging with
5:54
Speaker 1: that more general content, and then there's these little like
5:58
Speaker 1: zingers of reminder that you are different, that you don't
6:05
Speaker 1: have some of the resources that people are assuming that
6:08
Speaker 1: you have, or your family doesn't look the way people
6:11
Speaker 1: are assuming it looks. And that's true, you know, Single parenting,
6:15
Speaker 1: I feel like, is one flavor of that. I think
6:18
Speaker 1: a lot of parents of neurodivergent kids feel that way, right, So,
6:23
Speaker 1: parents who have differences in their family than a maybe
6:27
Speaker 1: it's typical and people often talk about and be different
6:32
Speaker 1: than probably what you expected. Right, So most people don't
6:37
Speaker 1: grow up daydreaming about being a single parent. This isn't
6:42
Speaker 1: usually I'm not going to say ever, but it's not
6:44
Speaker 1: usually what you expect, plan hope for.
6:49
Speaker 3: Right.
6:49
Speaker 1: So there's this adjustment both in terms of where you
6:53
Speaker 1: fit in in society and your own internal adjustment to
6:58
Speaker 1: what your life looks like compared to maybe what you
7:00
Speaker 1: thought it would look like.
7:03
Speaker 3: And I imagine too when you see that messaging and
7:07
Speaker 3: it isn't meant for single parents, it feels like that,
7:11
Speaker 3: you know, sort of bomb as you're scrolling. It can
7:16
Speaker 3: lead to blame and shame if you let it. Right,
7:19
Speaker 3: why does my parenting look different? What did I do
7:22
Speaker 3: to get here?
7:23
Speaker 1: Right? And we of course don't want that. Yeah, I
7:27
Speaker 1: think there's a lot of guilt and fear that can come. Right.
7:33
Speaker 1: So what does my single parenthood mean for my child
7:39
Speaker 1: now and as they grow up as an adult? Right?
7:44
Speaker 1: And I want to name early on here that we
7:47
Speaker 1: often talk in generalities here, and there's so many different
7:51
Speaker 1: paths to single parenting and each of them has their
7:55
Speaker 1: own challenges and their own silver linings and blessings. And
7:59
Speaker 1: then even within different types of single parents, you're going
8:03
Speaker 1: to have a lot of variability. So there are single
8:06
Speaker 1: parents out there who feel very supported, who maybe live
8:10
Speaker 1: with family or live in a tight knit community and
8:12
Speaker 1: feel very supported. And there's partnered parents who, like I said,
8:15
Speaker 1: feel very much alone and very isolated. And so again
8:19
Speaker 1: this is generalities, but yeah, I think that overall there
8:24
Speaker 1: is some fear. There often is some fear that comes
8:27
Speaker 1: up around what does this mean? What is it going
8:30
Speaker 1: to mean for my kid? And of course there's that
8:32
Speaker 1: narrative that I think we're starting to let go of
8:35
Speaker 1: but is still around sometimes that you know, single parent
8:39
Speaker 1: homes are quote unquote broken homes and there's something wrong
8:43
Speaker 1: and sort of inherently flawed, and that your kid is screwed,
8:47
Speaker 1: and you know, all of these narratives which I actually
8:51
Speaker 1: also early on in my coaching practice, had a collaboration
8:55
Speaker 1: opportunity that was really appealing. But as we were chatting,
8:59
Speaker 1: it became clear that the person had that perspective that
9:03
Speaker 1: single parent homes were broken and that this was something
9:05
Speaker 1: that we needed to fix, right. And so this is
9:08
Speaker 1: something that I don't believe and I really want to
9:13
Speaker 1: sort of send that message to single parents, that you
9:16
Speaker 1: are not broken. Your child is not broken, Your relationship
9:20
Speaker 1: with your child is not broken.
9:22
Speaker 3: And what impacts your kid the most is your attitude
9:26
Speaker 3: and perspective and mindset around that. Right. If you do
9:30
Speaker 3: feel like it's broken, if you do adopt that thinking,
9:34
Speaker 3: you walk down a very negative victim mindset sort of path,
9:41
Speaker 3: and that's what will negatively impact your kid way more
9:46
Speaker 3: than whether you have one or two parents in your household.
9:49
Speaker 1: Right, And the flip side of that coin, the empowering
9:52
Speaker 1: side of that coin, is that it is in your hands, right,
9:56
Speaker 1: Like there actually, I think is a lot of empowerment
9:59
Speaker 1: in being a single parent. So you know, especially like
10:02
Speaker 1: a lot of single parents who maybe are divorced or
10:05
Speaker 1: separated or something like that, there can be this huge
10:08
Speaker 1: like relief like, oh, I can finally do things the
10:11
Speaker 1: way that I want to do them without someone looking
10:14
Speaker 1: over my shoulder, judging me, undermining me. Now, that person
10:17
Speaker 1: might still be in the picture judging and undermining you,
10:19
Speaker 1: but in your home, right you, whether you're divorced or
10:25
Speaker 1: widowed or single parent by choice, in your home, in
10:28
Speaker 1: your relationship with your kids, you have that control. You
10:34
Speaker 1: can decide what you want your relationship to look like
10:38
Speaker 1: with your kids, and that I think it is sometimes
10:41
Speaker 1: a little overwhelming to hear that because it is a
10:44
Speaker 1: big responsibility and I'm not gonna lie, it is a
10:47
Speaker 1: big responsibility, and it is I think, really empowering because
10:52
Speaker 1: it means that you know there is something within our power,
10:55
Speaker 1: within our control, that we can do to set our
10:59
Speaker 1: kids up for six us to create the sort of
11:03
Speaker 1: relationship in the home that we want.
11:06
Speaker 3: I love that you have a motto even if you're
11:10
Speaker 3: on your own, you don't have to do it alone,
11:14
Speaker 3: which I love because again, there is that societal narrative
11:19
Speaker 3: that if you're a single parent you're doing it alone.
11:24
Speaker 3: Talk a little bit about adopting that motto and what
11:28
Speaker 3: that means.
11:29
Speaker 1: Yeah, So I think this partly can to me from
11:32
Speaker 1: some of my own experiences. I have this really vivid
11:36
Speaker 1: memory of telling my mom that I was thinking of
11:39
Speaker 1: leaving my ex my son's dad, and she sort of
11:43
Speaker 1: got this look of fear on her face and she
11:46
Speaker 1: said something like, I can tell there isn't much love there,
11:51
Speaker 1: but you can't do this on your own, right, And
11:54
Speaker 1: it was like she was scared for me. Yeah, And
11:58
Speaker 1: of course that was really hard to hear in so
12:00
Speaker 1: many ways, because first of all, there was this like
12:04
Speaker 1: sort of what would be the word, like an indignant
12:08
Speaker 1: part of me that was like, you know, how could
12:10
Speaker 1: you not believe in me? Of course, like I you know,
12:13
Speaker 1: I can do this. But there was also, of course
12:16
Speaker 1: that she was voicing the fear that I had. Of course,
12:20
Speaker 1: and I know that I delayed ending an unhealthy relationship
12:24
Speaker 1: because of that fear, and I think a lot of
12:26
Speaker 1: people do. So there's this fear I can't do it
12:29
Speaker 1: on my own. And then fast forward, I don't know,
12:33
Speaker 1: maybe about a year. I'm now a single parent. I
12:35
Speaker 1: have left him, and I should say I'm also I'm
12:39
Speaker 1: solo custody if that matters. So I'm doing it on
12:42
Speaker 1: my own. I am doing it on my own, and
12:47
Speaker 1: I'm having a really challenging moment. Right So it had
12:50
Speaker 1: been like an over two hour meltdown of my kids.
12:53
Speaker 1: I was like sort of it was one of my
12:56
Speaker 1: like breaking point moments. And remember, once things sort of
13:01
Speaker 1: calmed down, I stuck them on the iPad God bless
13:05
Speaker 1: screens sometimes and I lagged on and I like reached
13:09
Speaker 1: out for support in a Facebook group that I had
13:12
Speaker 1: sort of been lurking in, but I hadn't really posted
13:14
Speaker 1: in and I got a lot of support, and you know,
13:18
Speaker 1: that was like the beginning of sort of a turning
13:21
Speaker 1: point for me. And I really like when I think
13:25
Speaker 1: about those two things, I realized that there is sort
13:27
Speaker 1: of this distinction, right like, yes, I can do it
13:31
Speaker 1: on my own, and that doesn't mean that I can't
13:35
Speaker 1: and that I shouldn't reach out for and accept and
13:40
Speaker 1: welcome support and that that is still a really important
13:44
Speaker 1: thing and sometimes we do have to work a little
13:46
Speaker 1: harder to get it. And what I do hesitate about
13:50
Speaker 1: this for is that I don't want it to sound
13:52
Speaker 1: like so you often hear the line you just need
13:56
Speaker 1: to find your tribe, and what bothers me about that
13:59
Speaker 1: is like I often had moments where I'm like, if
14:01
Speaker 1: one more person tells me I just need to find
14:03
Speaker 1: my tribe, as if I could like walk to the
14:05
Speaker 1: corner store and buy one for two bucks, is like
14:08
Speaker 1: I'm gonna spot Yeah. So, you know, I want to
14:12
Speaker 1: acknowledge that it is challenging to you know, quote unquote
14:16
Speaker 1: find your tribe, and it doesn't have to be perfect, right,
14:19
Speaker 1: it doesn't have to be I mean, of course it's
14:22
Speaker 1: lovely if you can find a supportive, close knit community
14:26
Speaker 1: that does feel like a tribe. And there are other
14:31
Speaker 1: ways that support can look and other ways that not doing.
14:34
Speaker 3: It alone can look. Yeah, and some tips for people.
14:40
Speaker 3: Where do you go to find that tribe?
14:44
Speaker 1: Right?
14:44
Speaker 3: Like you mentioned Facebook and a Facebook group and that's great,
14:47
Speaker 3: Like that'll help you to feel less alone. It was
14:50
Speaker 3: a turning point for me and my parenting of a
14:54
Speaker 3: kid with ADHD at the time, and like I needed
14:58
Speaker 3: it desperately. I need to feel like it wasn't just me.
15:03
Speaker 3: But also, you know, you have that additional layer of
15:08
Speaker 3: I do need a break, I do need some in person,
15:14
Speaker 3: physical sort of support. Right where do you find that?
15:20
Speaker 1: Yeah? So okay, that's not where I thought you were
15:23
Speaker 1: going with the question. So I want to say two things. Okay,
15:26
Speaker 1: So first, I think that Facebook groups can offer support,
15:29
Speaker 1: But I also want to say that that's you know,
15:32
Speaker 1: part of why I have started speaking more about sort
15:35
Speaker 1: of speaking the single parent experience is because even just
15:40
Speaker 1: like we talked about at the beginning of this chat,
15:43
Speaker 1: even just hearing the sort of acknowledgement and recognition that
15:47
Speaker 1: you are not the only person who is going through
15:50
Speaker 1: this right, there are actually quite a lot of people.
15:53
Speaker 1: There are a lot of like universal aspects to this experience. Again,
15:57
Speaker 1: not every single person, but I think actually goes a
16:00
Speaker 1: long way to this sense that you're not alone. So
16:04
Speaker 1: being able to really internalize that it is why I'm
16:08
Speaker 1: speaking more about single parenting and I also have a
16:11
Speaker 1: small group program for single parents because I really deeply
16:16
Speaker 1: believe in this idea of community and being able to
16:20
Speaker 1: sort of vent and also like problem solve and process
16:24
Speaker 1: and work through these things in a safe environment where
16:27
Speaker 1: you feel like, actually, I should say in a supportive environment.
16:30
Speaker 1: I try not to say safe. I think safe is subjective,
16:34
Speaker 1: but that's another topic. In a supportive environment where you
16:38
Speaker 1: don't feel like you're alone in your experience of single parenthood. Yeah,
16:42
Speaker 1: so that's one thing, just to say that Facebook groups
16:45
Speaker 1: aren't the only way that it can look. And also
16:48
Speaker 1: I think if you allow yourself to sort of be
16:51
Speaker 1: in spaces where these things are voiced and where you
16:54
Speaker 1: don't feel that like secrecy and shame, like some people
16:58
Speaker 1: are like, oh, I don't really want to say that
17:00
Speaker 1: I'm a single parent. Right. I had another coach tell
17:02
Speaker 1: me actually that she is running a group, right, now,
17:06
Speaker 1: and she was like, yeah, there's this one woman in
17:08
Speaker 1: the group who's a single mom, and it really is
17:11
Speaker 1: more and more clear that there is like a difference
17:14
Speaker 1: in her experience, and at first she wasn't really even
17:18
Speaker 1: comfortable sort of sharing what those challenges are. Right, there
17:21
Speaker 1: can be a discomfort in acknowledging and voicing your experience.
17:26
Speaker 1: So I think part of it has to do with
17:29
Speaker 1: taking away this shame and this secrecy and this taboo
17:33
Speaker 1: ness of talking about being on your own. Yeah, in
17:38
Speaker 1: terms of physical help. So that is a challenging one
17:42
Speaker 1: to talk about because of course everyone has different scenarios. Yeah,
17:48
Speaker 1: one message that I do like to send. I don't
17:51
Speaker 1: know if this exactly answers your question, but so when
17:54
Speaker 1: I work with clients and in my own family also,
17:57
Speaker 1: I use a sinc model. The idea is we each
18:00
Speaker 1: have this metaphorical sink inside of us, and when the
18:03
Speaker 1: sink is really full, just a few more drops of
18:06
Speaker 1: water make it overflow, and that overflow is the dysregulation.
18:09
Speaker 1: So this is snapping and yelling, hitting, kicking, or shutting down,
18:14
Speaker 1: not being able to handle things when your sink is
18:18
Speaker 1: less full, the exact same drops of water that made
18:21
Speaker 1: your sink overflow in that first scenario, you can handle them,
18:25
Speaker 1: and you can handle even more right. And so this
18:28
Speaker 1: speaks to why it's so important for us as parents,
18:32
Speaker 1: because one of the things that can fill your sink
18:34
Speaker 1: really quickly is someone else's think spilling into it. Right,
18:37
Speaker 1: So when our in syncs are overflowing, it's all the
18:41
Speaker 1: more important for our sinks to have space right so
18:44
Speaker 1: that we can support them. And it's not just about
18:48
Speaker 1: these sort of band aid activities like you know, going
18:52
Speaker 1: to get a massage is lovely by all means, go
18:55
Speaker 1: get a massage, but the massage is sort of like
18:58
Speaker 1: taking a bucket and emptying some of the water out
19:00
Speaker 1: of the sink, versus how do we keep the drain
19:04
Speaker 1: open and have these like processes in your day to
19:08
Speaker 1: day life that are going to you know, allow water
19:12
Speaker 1: to come into the sink and have there be a
19:14
Speaker 1: process to make room for it. So that's all background
19:18
Speaker 1: to say. I had a client who had this like
19:21
Speaker 1: horrific day of parenting and she was exhausted, she hadn't
19:25
Speaker 1: slept well, and her kid was just really wanting attention.
19:29
Speaker 1: And she's a solo mom, single mom by choice. She
19:31
Speaker 1: has two kids, and it just sort of escalated and
19:36
Speaker 1: ultimately ended up. You know, she yelled, she snaped, she
19:38
Speaker 1: said things she regretted. She then shut down. She felt
19:41
Speaker 1: guilt and shame. Rite this whole spiral that I know
19:44
Speaker 1: we can all relate to. And ultimately she had them
19:49
Speaker 1: watch a movie. She has two kids. She hadn't watch
19:52
Speaker 1: watch screens for three hours while she took an up
19:55
Speaker 1: And I said to her, you know, if at the
19:57
Speaker 1: very beginning of that you had said, go watch movie.
20:00
Speaker 1: I need to take a nap, would they have watched
20:02
Speaker 1: a movie? And she said, yeah, I think they would have. Okay,
20:05
Speaker 1: So what is keeping us from doing that? Right? And
20:08
Speaker 1: so in this scenario, I think of it as having
20:11
Speaker 1: like a clog of hair in the drain. If you
20:15
Speaker 1: have hair like mine, right, like, every time you shower,
20:17
Speaker 1: there's more hair in the drain, and if you don't
20:19
Speaker 1: clear that, then no amount of deep breaths is going
20:23
Speaker 1: to keep your sink from overflowing. Right, right, So we
20:25
Speaker 1: need to clear that clog in the drain. But we
20:28
Speaker 1: have all these stories we tell ourselves, and these fears
20:31
Speaker 1: and these concerns that keep us from giving ourselves permission
20:35
Speaker 1: to do what we need to do to clear that drain,
20:38
Speaker 1: like let your kid watch a movie so that you
20:40
Speaker 1: can take a nap, clear that drain, and then you know,
20:43
Speaker 1: be more present with them. So that is not exactly
20:48
Speaker 1: getting someone else, because I do think it's helpful. Of course,
20:52
Speaker 1: it's helpful if you can have someone else in your
20:55
Speaker 1: life who you can tap in sometimes and get that respite.
21:00
Speaker 1: But I also hesitate to be dependent on that as
21:05
Speaker 1: advice because some people feel like, well, if you just
21:08
Speaker 1: tell me to do that and I can't do it, right,
21:10
Speaker 1: I have reason x y Z right, my kid won't
21:13
Speaker 1: stay with another person, I can't afford to pay somebody,
21:16
Speaker 1: I don't live near family, right, So then there's this
21:19
Speaker 1: like helplessness. Well, if I don't have this external source
21:23
Speaker 1: of support, I can't survive, right, And so I think
21:26
Speaker 1: it's important, yes, when you can to seek out and
21:31
Speaker 1: give yourself permission to accept external sources of support. But
21:35
Speaker 1: it's also important to give yourself permission to do what
21:39
Speaker 1: you need to do to take care of your system,
21:43
Speaker 1: your family, and sometimes that might mean putting the kid
21:47
Speaker 1: on an iPad to watch a movie. I've now given
21:51
Speaker 1: you two screen examples. I'm not all about putting its
21:53
Speaker 1: on iPads. So I want to say, if this is
21:56
Speaker 1: a pattern, right, if this is like what's constantly happening,
21:59
Speaker 1: then of course it's more of like a systems level.
22:02
Speaker 1: So I'll give you two more examples of things that
22:05
Speaker 1: I think are important to help keep that drain healthy.
22:08
Speaker 1: So one is self talk. We talk a lot about
22:12
Speaker 1: how we talk to our kids, right, maybe how we
22:16
Speaker 1: talk to our axes, how we talk to other people,
22:18
Speaker 1: and we often talk to ourselves in ways that are
22:21
Speaker 1: really shaming and guilting and hurtful. And this is some
22:26
Speaker 1: deep and often challenging work, but it is so worth
22:30
Speaker 1: it because this really can shift a lot in terms
22:34
Speaker 1: of how you can handle and show up in these
22:39
Speaker 1: challenging situations. And then the other one I want to
22:42
Speaker 1: mention is values based priorities. So I think there's a lot,
22:50
Speaker 1: not just for single parents, there's a lot of these
22:53
Speaker 1: external expectations that we internalize. We're not just doing things
22:58
Speaker 1: because we think other people think we should have internalized them,
23:01
Speaker 1: often because they're so deeply ingrained, and so slowing down
23:06
Speaker 1: and really taking a look at what matters for me
23:11
Speaker 1: and my child and our family and how do I
23:15
Speaker 1: make space for that what is the most important, right,
23:19
Speaker 1: and sometimes that means not doing all the things that
23:23
Speaker 1: are quote unquote typical or expected. And I know, coming
23:27
Speaker 1: from your background, this is probably very much in line,
23:31
Speaker 1: right because when you have neurodivergent kids, this is another
23:36
Speaker 1: place where we need to sort of really pause and
23:39
Speaker 1: give ourselves permission to make decisions that make sense for
23:43
Speaker 1: our family, even if it's different than what you thought
23:46
Speaker 1: you would do as a parent, or what your neighbor
23:49
Speaker 1: is doing as a parent, or what your parents are
23:51
Speaker 1: telling you to do as a parent. Right to really
23:55
Speaker 1: sort of check in and identify your own values and
23:58
Speaker 1: your own families need.
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Speaker 3: code complex com p l e X. When we give
25:52
Speaker 3: ourselves permission to do things differently, it can be liberating,
25:56
Speaker 3: It can be a form of stress management. It can
26:00
Speaker 3: be you know, making room for joy instead of just
26:04
Speaker 3: being hard on ourselves, Like there's so many positive outcomes
26:10
Speaker 3: when we stop shooting on ourselves. You know, I should
26:13
Speaker 3: have a partner, or I shouldn't have my kid on
26:16
Speaker 3: screens or right, So if we can just let go
26:21
Speaker 3: of that by giving ourselves or each other permission, it
26:26
Speaker 3: makes all the difference in the world for our mental
26:29
Speaker 3: and emotional health. Yeah, and why can't we do things differently?
26:34
Speaker 3: Like this is what gets me hung up all the time,
26:37
Speaker 3: is we're all individuals. We know that, but yet we
26:41
Speaker 3: want everything to look the same. We want educational look
26:44
Speaker 3: the same for everyone. We want parenting to be the
26:46
Speaker 3: same for everyone. Right, we want to raise kids that
26:49
Speaker 3: are just many versions of ourselves. Like why why do
26:54
Speaker 3: we get so stuck there as a society and how
26:57
Speaker 3: do we break that? Psychle and conversations like this are
27:02
Speaker 3: part of that. Like all the time I have coaching
27:04
Speaker 3: calls where parents are like, oh my gosh, thank you
27:08
Speaker 3: so much for saying that. I feel so relieved. Like
27:12
Speaker 3: I had one recently and a single mom who had
27:17
Speaker 3: lost the husband and they, you know, were really struggling.
27:23
Speaker 3: A teen boy and his mom and this new dynamic
27:26
Speaker 3: that nobody asked for that came suddenly and he had
27:29
Speaker 3: kind of retreated, so he wasn't eating dinner with her.
27:33
Speaker 3: He wasn't, you know, doing these sort of normal I'm
27:36
Speaker 3: using air quotes for people as normal family things. And
27:41
Speaker 3: all I did was say, hey, my kid quit family
27:43
Speaker 3: dinner like years ago, and I just had to get
27:45
Speaker 3: okay with it. And she cried like she felt so
27:50
Speaker 3: much relieved just because I said, we don't eat family
27:53
Speaker 3: dinner together and we're okay. Do I wish we still did?
27:57
Speaker 3: Of course I do. Did I beat myself up about
28:00
Speaker 3: it and feel like something was wrong at first? Yes,
28:04
Speaker 3: But I was doing what my kid and my family needed,
28:08
Speaker 3: and I gave myself permission. I worked through the emotions
28:12
Speaker 3: around it. But just talking to each other, like we're
28:15
Speaker 3: talking about here, like if single parents are just talking
28:19
Speaker 3: to each other in community, you can see that other
28:22
Speaker 3: people are doing it differently too, and it's okay. Even
28:27
Speaker 3: if you're the very only one, you still have our
28:30
Speaker 3: permission to do it that way, right, like what you need.
28:35
Speaker 1: You're the expert on your experience and on your family,
28:40
Speaker 1: and yeah, a tuning to that again, it takes some
28:44
Speaker 1: practice and that permission, right, It takes permission giving yourself
28:48
Speaker 1: permission to sort of quiet the noises of expectation and judgment.
28:54
Speaker 1: And I also want to say, you know, I say
28:57
Speaker 1: this in pretty much every interview I do it point,
29:00
Speaker 1: which is that perfection is not the goal ever. And
29:05
Speaker 1: so when we're saying this, right, give yourself permission, like
29:08
Speaker 1: this is a process. I mean, we are working against
29:12
Speaker 1: these really deeply ingrained multi generational messaging and it's always
29:18
Speaker 1: a work in progress. I believe perfection is not only
29:23
Speaker 1: not realistic, but it's actually not desirable because when we
29:28
Speaker 1: try to be perfect whatever in the world that even
29:31
Speaker 1: means I don't even know. If we were perfect, we
29:33
Speaker 1: wouldn't be modeling for our kids that humans are not perfect,
29:37
Speaker 1: even adults, even parents are not perfect, and we wouldn't
29:41
Speaker 1: have opportunities to model for them repair and reconnection. And
29:46
Speaker 1: one thing that came to mind when you were talking
29:47
Speaker 1: about that about giving us like sort of thank god,
29:50
Speaker 1: someone you know gave me this permission. I think one
29:54
Speaker 1: narrative that often parents have is once I say the
29:58
Speaker 1: kid has to do something or not do something, I
30:01
Speaker 1: can't budge. Ever, right, if I budge, I have compromised
30:07
Speaker 1: my authority. And I will never get it back. And
30:10
Speaker 1: it's interesting because like we think that, like we're sitting
30:15
Speaker 1: here expecting our kid who also has dug their heels
30:18
Speaker 1: in and is not budging, of course, and so we
30:20
Speaker 1: are waiting until our kid decides to be flexible and
30:25
Speaker 1: to budge, while we are standing there and saying nope,
30:28
Speaker 1: never gonna budge, not one bit. And so when we
30:31
Speaker 1: talk about you know, maybe there's room for saying, oh,
30:36
Speaker 1: I didn't realize this was so important to you, This
30:38
Speaker 1: is new information to me. Let's talk about this, right, like,
30:42
Speaker 1: how can we find something that's workable for both of us?
30:46
Speaker 1: And so giving parents permission to do things a little
30:49
Speaker 1: differently than maybe doctor Spocker. I don't actually know what
30:53
Speaker 1: doctor Stock said. But then the old school parentsing folks,
30:58
Speaker 1: sorry doctor here might be fine.
31:00
Speaker 3: Yeah, just that traditional parenting. Yeah, when you were talking,
31:03
Speaker 3: it reminded me of a quote from Ross Green, which
31:06
Speaker 3: I'm not going to quote directly because my memory doesn't
31:08
Speaker 3: work that well. But the essence is, show me an
31:12
Speaker 3: inflexible child, and I'll show you an equally an inflexible adult.
31:15
Speaker 3: And that's where we get stuck. We just get so stuck,
31:19
Speaker 3: Like we know our neurodivergent kids need us to be
31:24
Speaker 3: extremely flexible, not saying that we don't hold boundaries, we
31:28
Speaker 3: don't have values and all those things, but we need
31:31
Speaker 3: to be able to show up and be flexible when
31:34
Speaker 3: it is warranted and we get stuck and exactly what
31:38
Speaker 3: you're talking about. You know, I have to hold hard
31:42
Speaker 3: and fast to this because if I don't want precedent
31:45
Speaker 3: in my setting, right, canst work that way? Like, this
31:50
Speaker 3: isn't a court of law, It isn't forever more. If
31:53
Speaker 3: this thing happens once, your kid may try to make
31:56
Speaker 3: it that way, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it
32:00
Speaker 3: will be that way. And I think that's a really
32:03
Speaker 3: powerful permission again, like it's okay to flex on these
32:08
Speaker 3: things sometimes.
32:09
Speaker 1: I think this is actually like a big overarching theme
32:13
Speaker 1: in talking about parenting in general, but also single parenting. Right,
32:16
Speaker 1: it's going back to that flexibility of this isn't what
32:20
Speaker 1: I thought it would look like, This isn't what the
32:23
Speaker 1: narratives and stories and outside messages are, and so we
32:27
Speaker 1: need to be flexible and give ourselves permission to do
32:32
Speaker 1: the things that we need to do to make it
32:33
Speaker 1: work for our family, whatever that looks like.
32:37
Speaker 3: And be okay with different, Like, I keep coming back
32:40
Speaker 3: to that so much, but that really is where we
32:44
Speaker 3: end up going so deep and blame and shame when
32:48
Speaker 3: we feel like we're different, when we're comparing ourselves or
32:52
Speaker 3: our family to others, and when we raise our divergent kids,
32:55
Speaker 3: we have to learn really quickly not to compare our right,
32:58
Speaker 3: not to compare our kids to kids, not to compare
33:01
Speaker 3: our parenting and our family to others. I think the
33:04
Speaker 3: same obviously it is true for single parenting, like, you know,
33:09
Speaker 3: just be okay with what your kid needs. And I,
33:14
Speaker 3: you know, I have social anxiety, so I really struggle
33:19
Speaker 3: with constant thoughts of other people judging me. It kind
33:24
Speaker 3: of never ends in my brain unless I am at
33:27
Speaker 3: home and I'm not on video and so like, I've
33:33
Speaker 3: learned to live with it. But when my kid was
33:36
Speaker 3: really small and melting down in the grocery store and
33:41
Speaker 3: people were literally walking around the corner of the aisle
33:44
Speaker 3: to see if I was like beating my kid, I
33:47
Speaker 3: had to learn how to shut that off or to
33:52
Speaker 3: compartmentalize it or whatever I needed to do. And my
33:57
Speaker 3: first step was, they don't know our story. They have
34:03
Speaker 3: no idea what is happening and why it is happening,
34:08
Speaker 3: And even if they did, they still might judge, but
34:11
Speaker 3: that's just their ignorance, not to be mean, but just
34:15
Speaker 3: to say they just don't know. And that brought me
34:19
Speaker 3: some relief from being so worried about that judgment. And
34:25
Speaker 3: then I, you know, sort of built up this armor
34:28
Speaker 3: of it's okay if other people judge because they just
34:32
Speaker 3: don't know, and that's their nature, right, Like it is
34:36
Speaker 3: human nature to judge each other because we're built to
34:41
Speaker 3: be sort of identifying where there's danger, right, so we
34:45
Speaker 3: have to sort of size other people up at one
34:49
Speaker 3: point in time, a long time ago to make sure
34:53
Speaker 3: we were safe. And you know, for some of us,
34:56
Speaker 3: it's just this faulty thing that just keeps going over
34:58
Speaker 3: and over. But even if it's not that, there's still
35:03
Speaker 3: a lot of that blame and shame from judgment. We
35:06
Speaker 3: just have to disconnect and get okay with knowing that
35:12
Speaker 3: we're doing the right thing for our family.
35:15
Speaker 1: So, yeah, so I have a few things. See if
35:19
Speaker 1: I remember so much good stuff that you just said.
35:22
Speaker 1: First of all, oh my gosh, isn't that like one
35:24
Speaker 1: of the hardest situations? And we can all relate right
35:27
Speaker 1: like when when when you're in public or sometimes even worse,
35:31
Speaker 1: when you're with family or with close friends and you're
35:34
Speaker 1: just feeling those judgmental eyes. It's so hard. So I
35:40
Speaker 1: want to say first of all, that some of the
35:42
Speaker 1: work that you're talking about actually is a beautiful example
35:45
Speaker 1: of some of what I talk about with keeping that
35:48
Speaker 1: sink open. It's learning to recognize some of these like
35:53
Speaker 1: thinking traps that we fall into m h. And noticing,
35:59
Speaker 1: which is it sounds simple, but it's actually quite challenging
36:02
Speaker 1: to learn to even just notice and name them, and
36:06
Speaker 1: you know, knowing how to bring yourself back from so
36:09
Speaker 1: you don't get sucked into that sort of vortex that
36:13
Speaker 1: the thlenking traps pull you into. But I do want
36:16
Speaker 1: to say as sort of like a slightly like nuanced yes.
36:20
Speaker 1: And one of the things that I think is important
36:23
Speaker 1: for us to give ourselves permission is to feel the
36:28
Speaker 1: prickly feelings, and so like, I don't think that we
36:32
Speaker 1: should just like shut the shame off. I think it's
36:36
Speaker 1: sort of this yin yang of giving ourselves the permission
36:41
Speaker 1: and the tools and the space to be able to
36:44
Speaker 1: sort of feel those feelings, process those feelings and to
36:49
Speaker 1: not get stuck in them. And that takes the perspective
36:53
Speaker 1: that you're talking about, right, So bringing yourself back into
36:57
Speaker 1: what is really happening here, Not what's the store that
37:00
Speaker 1: I've sort of deeply ingrained that is coming to me
37:03
Speaker 1: from all these different places, but what's really happening, what
37:07
Speaker 1: is the reality, what is really important in this moment
37:11
Speaker 1: and really important to me and my kid. And then
37:15
Speaker 1: the third thing that I want to say is that
37:16
Speaker 1: I think that really this is like kind of one
37:20
Speaker 1: of the big things at the heart of the work
37:22
Speaker 1: that we do as parents on our own parenting is
37:28
Speaker 1: to you know, I always say, my job is not
37:30
Speaker 1: to pull someone else onto my parenting path. It's to
37:34
Speaker 1: support them on theirs in finding their parenting voice, right,
37:39
Speaker 1: Because at the end of the day, what really matters
37:41
Speaker 1: is that you feel grounded in your values, in your
37:48
Speaker 1: family and what's going on, and that you feel that
37:51
Speaker 1: empowerment that when someone is judging you in the grocery store,
37:56
Speaker 1: you're like, yep, I know this looks kind of bad,
37:59
Speaker 1: and I know that this is what's happening, and this
38:02
Speaker 1: is what my kid needs, and this is you know,
38:04
Speaker 1: how I'm going to handle it, which doesn't mean that
38:07
Speaker 1: you're not going to feel stressed and not going to
38:09
Speaker 1: write right right, yeah, right again, it's not easy. Yeah,
38:13
Speaker 1: it's not easy.
38:14
Speaker 3: It's just necessary to keep practicing and keep very mindful
38:20
Speaker 3: until you can get there, until that is sort of
38:23
Speaker 3: your norm. And if I could get there with social anxiety,
38:26
Speaker 3: I think anybody can get there, right, Like, you can
38:29
Speaker 3: get to a point where you say, Okay, this feels terrible,
38:33
Speaker 3: but right now, my kid needs me for whatever reason,
38:38
Speaker 3: you know, they need my help, and that's what has
38:41
Speaker 3: to take priority. And then you know, once I walk
38:44
Speaker 3: out those doors, I can feel the feelings and I
38:47
Speaker 3: can deal with it. But in that moment, yeah, you
38:52
Speaker 3: have to focus, you know. And two, if you start
38:55
Speaker 3: melting down with the kid that's melting down, what is
39:00
Speaker 3: gonna be?
39:01
Speaker 1: Right?
39:01
Speaker 3: What kind of experience is that gonna be for you?
39:03
Speaker 1: Right? Like? Right, nobody thinks think analogy. That's when we
39:07
Speaker 1: end up with a big puddle on the floor. Yeah.
39:11
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's a river going down the cereal aisle in
39:14
Speaker 3: the grocery store, for sure. Yeah, And I feel that.
39:17
Speaker 3: I mean, there were times in those instances where I
39:20
Speaker 3: felt like I was drowning, like I felt like I
39:22
Speaker 3: needed like some sort of hand to reach out. It's
39:28
Speaker 3: very easy, right for our own nervous systems to also
39:32
Speaker 3: get triggered in that way. But we're the adult in
39:35
Speaker 3: the equation. We've had more practice, and so we have
39:38
Speaker 3: to try to show up and sometimes we can't. Like
39:41
Speaker 3: I want to be super real too. Sometimes it is
39:45
Speaker 3: just one of those days where you have to like
39:48
Speaker 3: grab your kid, leave the cart and just try again later. Like,
39:53
Speaker 3: sometimes you can't salvage things. Sometimes you can't stay regulated
39:58
Speaker 3: or calm. And that's so he too. It's gonna happen
40:01
Speaker 3: to you because you're human, right, And for the record,
40:05
Speaker 3: it happens to me too, right.
40:06
Speaker 1: I mean it's yeah, you know, it's it's a work
40:09
Speaker 1: in progress for all of us. And one thing that
40:13
Speaker 1: came to mind when you're talking about that scenario and
40:16
Speaker 1: then offloading your feelings, you know, one thing that can
40:19
Speaker 1: feel lonely for single parents is if you don't have
40:21
Speaker 1: a partner to offload your feelings onto. Now. Of course,
40:25
Speaker 1: if you have friends or other family members that you can,
40:28
Speaker 1: that's wonderful, But I think a lot of single parents
40:30
Speaker 1: feel like, where do I put this and so I'm
40:33
Speaker 1: a huge fan of journaling. And one thing that I
40:37
Speaker 1: like to talk about is journaling doesn't have to mean
40:39
Speaker 1: a physical notebook with a pen. So I really like
40:43
Speaker 1: having an electronic journal because then I have it when
40:45
Speaker 1: I'm in the car after the grocery store of parking lot,
40:48
Speaker 1: and I can just like you know. And then another
40:51
Speaker 1: thing that some people haven't sort of thought about is
40:54
Speaker 1: doing audio journaling, whether it's in a journaling app or
40:57
Speaker 1: even just like the voice memo app on your phone, right,
41:00
Speaker 1: so sort of speaking like be your own best friend, right,
41:06
Speaker 1: be your own support person in that moment if you
41:09
Speaker 1: don't have someone else to offload.
41:11
Speaker 3: Too, or you can start a podcast and you can
41:14
Speaker 3: help other people as you offload.
41:19
Speaker 1: Or blog.
41:19
Speaker 3: I mean I started blogging. I was like, I don't
41:22
Speaker 3: know what's going on with my kid. I feel so alone.
41:25
Speaker 3: I'm waiting months for this evaluation meeting, you know, appointment,
41:30
Speaker 3: and like I am feeling all kinds of scared and
41:34
Speaker 3: I don't know what to do. And for me, it
41:37
Speaker 3: was like I'm going to put it out there and
41:38
Speaker 3: somebody's going to find me and be able to tell
41:40
Speaker 3: me what's happening, which did not happen.
41:42
Speaker 1: Yeah.
41:43
Speaker 3: But then when we got a diagnosis and I started
41:45
Speaker 3: talking about that and all the feelings around that, people
41:48
Speaker 3: came in droves, right, And I was able to build
41:50
Speaker 3: a community in that way. And I'm not saying everybody
41:53
Speaker 3: needs to blog or podcast, but like there are a
41:56
Speaker 3: lot of like potential ways of doing that of getting
42:02
Speaker 3: that sort of catharsis right of processing, and sometimes you
42:08
Speaker 3: can do it in ways that can help others too.
42:12
Speaker 3: You know, don't think about that, just think about helping
42:14
Speaker 3: yourself first. It's beautiful though that you again going back
42:18
Speaker 3: to a topic we talked about before, right, you sort
42:21
Speaker 3: of broke that wall of shame about everything that you
42:25
Speaker 3: were going through. You put it out there, which probably
42:28
Speaker 3: took a lot, especially with social anxiety.
42:31
Speaker 1: Yeah. I don't know how I did that. Yeah, yeah,
42:33
Speaker 1: I love that. That's beautiful.
42:35
Speaker 3: Well, we are out of time together for this conversation.
42:38
Speaker 3: Will you let everybody know where to find you? How
42:42
Speaker 3: can they connect with you and learn more from you?
42:44
Speaker 1: Sure? So it's doctor gilaparenting dot com. I do have
42:49
Speaker 1: a few free resources for single parents. I have like
42:52
Speaker 1: this short little meditation and a guide on understanding challenging
42:57
Speaker 1: behaviors and a few other things. You can find them
43:00
Speaker 1: all there on Instagram and Facebook. I'm doctor Gila Parenting.
43:05
Speaker 1: I'm going to be honest, I'm not like a big
43:07
Speaker 1: social media person and for my own mental sanity, but
43:11
Speaker 1: I do go on there when there's, you know, good
43:13
Speaker 1: stuff to announce. But the best way to keep up
43:15
Speaker 1: with me is to sign up for my email list.
43:17
Speaker 1: You can get a free resource and get on my
43:19
Speaker 1: email list, or just sign up for my email list. Yeah, awesome, And.
43:23
Speaker 3: We're going to link all of that up in the
43:24
Speaker 3: show notes for everybody who is listening, So you can
43:28
Speaker 3: go to Parenting ADHD and autism dot com slash two
43:32
Speaker 3: eight two for episode two eighty two and everything that
43:36
Speaker 3: doctor Kaila just mentioned. I'll be linked up there, and
43:39
Speaker 3: I definitely encourage you to find her and learn more
43:44
Speaker 3: and feel supported. It's just amazing work that you're doing,
43:47
Speaker 3: and I'm so thankful that you are being vulnerable in public,
43:52
Speaker 3: because that's how we help each other get through this
43:56
Speaker 3: really complex human experience and complex peersaranteeing and all of
44:01
Speaker 3: the layers that some of us are dealing with. So
44:05
Speaker 3: I just thank you for the work you're doing.
44:07
Speaker 1: And likewise, I so respect your work then and love
44:11
Speaker 1: the podcast and your emails.
44:12
Speaker 3: So thank you, thank you, and we thought, I guess
44:15
Speaker 3: we'll end the episode so I'll see everybody next time.
44:18
Speaker 1: Take good care.
44:20
Speaker 2: Thanks for joining me on the Beautifully Complex podcast. If
44:24
Speaker 2: you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share, and don't
44:27
Speaker 2: forget to check out my online courses and parent coaching
44:31
Speaker 2: at PARENTINGADHD and Autism dot com and at The Behavior
44:35
Speaker 2: Revolution dot com