Latest / The Christy-Faith Show / Ep. 76 - Reclaiming Your Teen in a Peer-Obsessed World

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Ep. 76 - Reclaiming Your Teen in a Peer-Obsessed World · The Christy-Faith Show

• 0:00
  Christy-Faith: Okay. Real talk. Teenagers have a reputation. Eye rolls that could dislocate an eyeball. Grunts that somehow mean yes and no.
• 0:10
  Moody silences so intense, you're tempted to check for signs of life. They'll ask you to be left alone and then get mad that you left them alone. It's like parenting a walking contradiction in a hoodie. But what if your teen isn't actually mean? What if they're not broken or rebellious or trying to emotionally ruin you one slammed door at a time?
• 0:32
  What if they're just under the influence of something way more powerful than hormones? Something called peer orientation. Peer orientation is this sneaky, destructive cultural shift where kids start looking to other kids for guidance, approval, and identity instead of to their parents or another trusted adult, and it's not serving our culture well at all. In fact, peer orientation is one of the main reasons why I homeschool. Today, we're diving into one of my most all time favorite parenting books, Hold On To Your Kids by doctor Gabor Mate and Gordon Neufeld.
• 1:21
  It explains maybe why your formerly sweet, chatty child has transformed into a mysterious mumbling roommate with Wi Fi dependency issues. And stick around because we're also unpacking how homeschooling, yes, the thing that people think is all denim jumpers and unsocialized weirdos, might actually be one of the most powerful tools to re anchor your teen and reclaim your relationship. Let's get into it. I'm Kristi Faith, author of homeschool rising, speaker and founder of thrive homeschool community. That's the place I created where you can learn how to fail proof your homeschool by following solid plans and find real connection and mentorship along the way.
• 2:03
  If you've just stumbled across my corner of the Internet, make sure to hit my website. I have amazing, fantastic, free ebooks and resources for you regardless of what stage of homeschooling you are in. Maybe you're just homeschool curious. I got tons of resources for you. And if you're like me, you've been homeschooling a while, feeling a little burnt out, don't worry.
• 2:24
  I got you too. Go to my website and on that homepage, I have lots of free stuff. And also in my store, I have an entire section just labeled free. I will see you over there after the show, and I'll put a link in the show notes. Okay.
• 2:37
  So what is peer orientation? It sounds fancy. Right? Like a seminar you attended before joining a high school clique. But no, it's actually way more concerning than that.
• 2:47
  Peer orientation is what happens when kids start turning to their friends or frankly other equally confused children for their values, identity, and sense of right and wrong instead of you, the parent, or another trusted adult. It's like emotional outsourcing to a pack of 14 year olds. It's become the norm in our society, and it's not their fault. And by the way, it's not yours either. The culture we're swimming in practically forces this to happen.
• 3:15
  We separate kids from their families for most of the day. We keep them surrounded by peers their own age all the time, and then we expect them to somehow stay deeply connected to us at home while also navigating school drama, group chats, and whatever moral lessons they picked up from YouTube shorts and class group text. So when a teen starts valuing what their friends think more than what you think, pushing you away like you're the human equivalent of a pop up ad, that's peer orientation doing what it does best. It breaks the bond that kids naturally need. Instead of parents leading their kids, we get kids who are led by other kids while we trail behind shouting, we had a nice relationship once into the void.
• 3:59
  Once I read hold on to your kids and saw what was happening in our culture, I couldn't unsee it. Suddenly, all those weird teen behaviors that felt so personal, they made sense. It's not rejection. It's actually a redirection, and it's really unhealthy. Listen, Maybe you're not homeschooling right now.
• 4:20
  Maybe your kids are home for a break, and you're just starting to see some of these peer dynamics creep in, or maybe your child's still young, and you're just starting to think about what you want their future to look like. If that's you and you want more of this conversation, I invite you to look into joining Thrive Homeschool Community. It's not just for current homeschoolers, it's for parents who are asking deeper questions about connection, character, character, and how to do family differently. Inside Thrive, you'll find people like our mentors who you may remember from past episodes along with other thoughtful parents and mentors who are happy to help you think through your next steps, both in parenting and homeschooling. The whole point is that Thrive Homeschool Community is here so you don't have to figure everything out alone.
• 5:04
  Alright. Let's talk about what the experts and the statistics are screaming from the rooftops right now, right after a word from our sponsors. As a homeschool mom who values a family together approach and leans towards the classical and Charlotte Mason styles, I often struggle to bring my educational vision to life with my kids' diverse ages and learning needs. With all our interests and super packed schedule, bridging that gap between the dreamy homeschool I want and reality, I gotta be honest. It's a challenge.
• 5:33
  Now, yes, I know perfection isn't the goal. But if you're listening and you could use a little easing of your mental load in your day to day, I found a resource that has become the quiet hero of our routine, and it could be a really great option for you too. BJU Press homeschool curriculum. Now many think that BJU Press homeschool is solely an all in one option, and though it does excel in that role, did you know you can also opt for specific courses and tailor them to fit your family's needs just as I have? BJU Press Homeschool provides the perfect balance of structure and flexibility and easily complements my family's mixed age family together on the couch learning style.
• 6:09
  They are second to none in integrating a biblical worldview, stimulating critical thinking, and offering tons of hands on activities in the lessons. To find out how BJU Presse Homeschool can come alongside you in your homeschooling goals too, visit bjupresshomeschool.com or click the link in the show notes. Is your child struggling with attention, memory, reading, writing, or math? If you're experiencing this, you know how heart wrenching it is to watch them face these hurdles. You've poured love, time, and attention into their education, yet the struggle persists, leaving you feeling stuck and desperately searching for answers.
• 6:43
  You guys, I want you to know about LearningRx, a proven program designed to help your child's cognitive skills, enabling them to think faster, learn more easily, and perform at their best. I'm talking getting real long term help here with things like ADHD and dyslexia. LearningRx is backed by 35 of research, and their results are transformative. Use code HOME 50 for $50 off your cognitive skills assessment. Go to learningrx.com or click the link in the show notes.
• 7:11
  Okay. Welcome back. So I need to tell you right now that this isn't just my opinion or the fever dream of a crunchy homeschool mom deep in the rabbit hole of parenting books. One of my biggest takeaways from the book Hold On To Your Kids is this, quote, children were never meant to be raised by peers. They were meant to be raised by nurturing adults.
• 7:32
  Translation, if your child's moral compass is being co written by Becky in seventh grade and a kid named skater boy four twenty eight on Discord, you might have a problem. Peer orientation isn't just a theory. It actually rewires attachment. You know that attachment that psychologists have been screaming about for seventy years, healthy attachment? That.
• 7:53
  See, when children become more attached to their peers than to their parents, it becomes impossible to effectively parent them. Your words don't even register because you're no longer their compass. Becky is and Becky thinks that boundaries are toxic. Let's start with a sobering statistic from the CDC youth risk behavior survey from 2021 because the numbers don't lie. Nearly one in three teen girls in The US seriously consider attempting suicide in 2021.
• 8:24
  That's up sixty percent from just a decade ago. I mean, this is not a parenting failure. This is a cultural catastrophe, and it aligns with exactly what Mate and Neufeld warn about. When kids are no longer emotionally tethered to their parents, they get tossed around by the social chaos around them and that chaos is not kind. And here's why.
• 8:47
  When kids attachments shift towards their peers, they become vulnerable to the swirling social chaos around them. And trust me, that chaos is ruthless. It's filled with pressures, comparisons, clicks, and constant judgment. None of which work towards building resilience or confidence. Instead, it breeds confusion, loneliness, and despair.
• 9:09
  So if your teenager seems lost or overwhelmed, it may not be that they're mean or ungrateful. They could just be caught up in a system that's pulling them away from the stability that they need most. Another sinister thing about peer orientation is that it creates the illusion of belonging, but it's not really belonging at all. Any belonging that kids experience is conditional based on performance, appearance, or a shared rejection of authority. When you think about it, it's kinda like friendships today or like reality TV alliances.
• 9:40
  Fun until someone gets voted off the island because they wore the wrong shoes. See peer oriented relationships, they aren't built on unconditional love or long term trust. They're built on survival, emotional currency traded for acceptance, popularity, or a seat at the right lunch table. And when you're constantly walking that tightrope, it leaves little room for the kind of deep secure connection that really helps teens develop confidence and self worth. This conditional belonging actually pushes kids away from their parents, the one stable relationship that should be unconditional and traps them in a cycle of proving themselves to peers who honestly don't really have their best interest at heart.
• 10:21
  So when your teen suddenly switches friend groups, acts secretive, or seems to measure their worth by how many likes a selfie gets, it's not just teenage drama, it's a survival strategy in a social system designed to be fickle and exclusive. So this research from the University of Virginia gave me pause, and it might make you as well. Teens who are more peer driven at age 13 are more likely to be involved in drug use, delinquency, and unstable friendships by early adulthood. Now look. This episode is not about fear mongering.
• 10:53
  But if we can prevent future heartbreak by understanding that your 13 year old's deep desire to be liked by a group of kids who can't even do their own laundry is actually developmentally backwards, then, yeah, let's talk about it. This peer driven attachment basically rewires their brains to value fitting in above anything else, even if that means making some pretty questionable decisions. And the longer they're stuck in that mindset, the higher the risk of risky behaviors are from substance use to drifting through unstable friendships that don't offer real support or growth. Understanding this isn't about blaming your kid or the friends they choose. It's about seeing the bigger picture and realizing how much more powerful your role as a parent could be if you can gently pull them back from that peer oriented vortex.
• 11:42
  The book also unpacks how when kids lose their attachment to caring adults, it doesn't make them stronger or more independent. It actually leaves them searching for security in all the wrong places because they still need that attachment. Here's a quote from the book. A child no longer oriented towards adults becomes rude, aggressive, defensive, or withdrawn, not because they are bad, but because they are lost. Doesn't that just punch you in the parenting gut?
• 12:08
  They're not bad. They're lost. We're over here taking it personally thinking we have this mean kid on our hands wondering why we can't get them to open up over Taco Tuesday. And I'm about to say something that may be a little bit controversial. I'm gonna lovingly push back on something our culture and even some therapists get wrong.
• 12:27
  We've been told that it's healthy when teens pull away, that this emotional detachment is normal and even desirable. We hear things like, oh, don't worry. She's just finding herself, or it's totally developmentally appropriate for him to stop talking to you about anything real. But let's pause because research says otherwise. Studies show that teens actually need secure attachment with a caring adult well into their teen years and even into their twenties.
• 12:53
  The problem is our culture doesn't celebrate that. We mistake detachment for independence. But the reality is the kids aren't becoming independent. They're just becoming dependent on something else. And that something else is usually a peer group that's loud, impulsive, and doesn't exactly have the emotional depth to help them navigate real life.
• 13:15
  So what should we be looking for? Well, we all know the term healthy attachment. And does it look different for teenagers than it does a five year old with a skinned knee who needs hugs and kisses? Of course, it does. Secure attachment is a maturing evolving form of connection.
• 13:31
  Yes. Your teen will want more space. They'll want more privacy. But if they aren't coming to you when things are hard, if their independence looks more like secrecy, sarcasm, or just shutting you out, then something's probably off. That's not independence.
• 13:47
  That's disconnection, and that should scare you. Real independence is built on a foundation of trust and attachment. And when kids have that, they flourish. So now that we've established that teens probably aren't evil, they're just peer attached, and this peer attachment is basically a soul sucking force fueled by group texts, snap streaks, and cafeteria Darwinism, let's talk about one of the few things that actually helps right after this. Before we continue, I wanna share with you a program that's been a game changer for our homeschool.
• 14:20
  At our center, we instructed and help kids through pretty much every math program on the market and know firsthand just how important a solid math foundation is for our kids' futures. As a career educator with high standards, finding the right program that checked all the boxes felt like too tall of an order until one day I tried CTC Math. CTC Math is an online math curriculum for k to 12 students with motivating interactive lessons that allow kids to learn at their own pace. It does all the teaching and grading so you don't have to and their adaptive lessons adjust so your child is progressing confidently. With CTC Math, your child is getting a top notch education and you just made your homeschool life easier.
• 14:58
  Visit ctcmath.com to start your free trial today or click the link in the show notes. The show will resume in just a minute, but first, I wanna share with you an incredible resource that is totally free to homeschooling families everywhere. Have you ever felt like you were on trial for your homeschooling choice when visiting a doctor or another service provider? It's unsettling, especially when someone misinformed has the power to threaten your family. Unfortunately, we have heard countless stories of parents who have felt trapped in offices and met with suspicion rather than support simply because they were homeschoolers.
• 15:34
  I've been profiled and interrogated myself, and I'm sure many of you have as well. Enough is enough. It's time we proactively vet service providers before giving them our business and our money. Enter Kristi Faith's list, a directory 100% free to homeschooling families connecting you with homeschool friendly service providers who promise to support you in your homeschooling choice. We want every homeschooler in America to know about and be using this list.
• 16:03
  So here's how to make Christy Faith's List a household name. One, tell all your friends about it. Let's show the market just how powerful the homeschool movement is. Number two, check Christy Faith's List website before stepping foot into any service provider's office to make sure they are on there. And number three, if your favorite service provider isn't on the list, make sure to refer them.
• 16:26
  There's a button on the homepage of the website. It takes only thirty seconds, and that way we can send them a lovely invite. If you're listening and you are a homeschool friendly professional, we want you on the list. We're eager to connect homeschooling families with you, shout your name from the rooftops, and bring you tons and tons of business. We have plans for every type of business, both small, local, nationwide, and worldwide.
• 16:50
  Check out christy-faiths-list.com today. Alright. Welcome back. You're probably not gonna like what I'm about to say, but you guessed it. The answer could be homeschooling.
• 17:00
  I'm talking about creating the kind of environment where your kid stays connected to you long enough to grow a healthy brain, a strong identity, and maybe even a personality that doesn't make you wanna scream into a pillow. Because here's the thing, homeschooling interrupts the peer orientation cycle. It slows it down. It reorders the social hierarchy back to how it's supposed to be and what they need. Instead of kids bonding exclusively with their peers eight hours a day in a high stress image obsessed environment, they get time to bond with you, the actual grown up who loves them unconditionally and who probably has really good snacks.
• 17:36
  So you're probably thinking, why does this matter, Christy? Not everyone can homeschool, and I agree with you. Not everyone can homeschool. I would even add not everyone should homeschool. But this is what I can say.
• 17:46
  When you saturate your child for twelve years straight, eight hours a day, five days a week in a peer oriented environment, it's really hard not to end up with a kid with peer orientation. And it's so rampant that that is considered normal to the point where homeschooled kids are the ones that are called awkward. When by the way, the studies show that homeschooled kids are happier socially, emotionally, and psychologically. Okay. So why does this matter, Christy?
• 18:13
  Here's the thing. Homeschooling allows for multi age socialization, not the weird Lord of the Flies style, only hang out with kids exactly your age or else type. You as the parent, you have the margin to reinforce your family values without needing to constantly deprogram your kids every evening over spaghetti. I'm not really interested in only parenting on nights and weekends and having to undo all the stuff that was done while they were in school. You also become their primary point of reference.
• 18:41
  Not Becky, not TikTok, not that one cool kid with the vape and skateboard who somehow gets straight a's. Although, I might know how he's getting those a's. And watching out for peer orientation doesn't mean that you have to parent perfectly. It doesn't mean that you need to become a curriculum guru or sacrifice your sanity on the altar of Pinterest perfect lesson plans. There's a reason why I created Thrive Homeschool Community, and this is it.
• 19:05
  Because honestly, you need backup, you need encouragement, and you need a game plan. And if you're brand new to all this and still thinking, okay, this sounds great, but how in the world do I start? I've got you. There's a freebie in the show notes to help you figure out your first steps. And if you want the bigger picture, my book Homeschool Rising is basically a rallying cry for exactly this kind of parent powered reattachment.
• 19:27
  Because homeschooling isn't just about academics or doing school at home. It's about anchoring our kids to the people who actually love them. The ones who still show up even if they roll their eyes at dinner again. So yeah, if your teen has turned into a moody, eye rolling, hoodie wearing enigma, take heart. What you're dealing with might not be rebellion and might be peer orientation, and there is something that you can do about it.
• 19:52
  You can reclaim your kids. What the culture calls normal isn't healthy, and you can say no. Once I understood what peer orientation was and how our current school system often feeds it, I realized homeschooling wasn't just an educational choice. It was a relationship rescue plan. If you're feeling the same tug, wondering if there's a better way to keep your kids close while still preparing them for a really amazing life, start with some of the free resources that I've linked in the show notes.
• 20:21
  They're packed with clarity and encouragement for exactly where you are. And if you're looking for the big picture myth busting courage building truth, that's why I wrote homeschool rising. It doesn't matter if you're brand new to this or just need a reminder that you're not crazy. This book will be your nudge. It will be your cheerleader or it will be your toolkit.
• 20:40
  And of course, don't forget to join us in Thrive Homeschool Community. That's where we have real conversations, the messy, hopeful, sometimes hilarious ones, and remind each other why this is all worth it. You are the answer your child needs, and you've got what it takes to thrive. Until next time, friend. Keep going.
• 21:00
  You're not alone in this. I'll see you next week.