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The One With Friendsgiving · Stuff Mom Never Told You

0:05
Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I don't kind of
0:07
Speaker 1: stuff I never told your protection of I heart radio.
0:18
Speaker 1: So today we wanted to talk about friends giving and
0:23
Speaker 1: where it came from and what it asked to do
0:25
Speaker 1: with emotional labor, especially for women that we've talked about before.
0:30
Speaker 1: I'm sure a lot of us are feeling it right now.
0:32
Speaker 1: Samantha and I just kind of had a mini distress
0:35
Speaker 1: moment before doing this, so I want to ask you, Samantha,
0:40
Speaker 1: do you celebrate friends giving? So for a little while
0:44
Speaker 1: we did, and I just remembered I had two different
0:47
Speaker 1: ones for two very different reasons. Holidays are awful for me.
0:51
Speaker 1: I don't love it. Um trying to get better about
0:53
Speaker 1: it every year. I think I've told this story before.
0:55
Speaker 1: Every year I really try, and then when it comes around,
0:58
Speaker 1: I was like, no, I don't like it. I don't
0:59
Speaker 1: like it. Let me just sit and alone on my couch.
1:02
Speaker 1: And of course, just the last year with a pandemic
1:05
Speaker 1: and coronavirus going around and then my whole family got
1:08
Speaker 1: affected like real hard, so it's really easy for me
1:11
Speaker 1: to step out of that one. But of course that
1:14
Speaker 1: also meant we didn't do the friends giving that we
1:17
Speaker 1: have done before. I will say I had one group
1:20
Speaker 1: of friends who did it when I would do racing,
1:24
Speaker 1: which is really weird because I did a couple of
1:25
Speaker 1: half marathons where afterwards I would go and I'm like,
1:28
Speaker 1: I'm eating pies all day because I just ran their
1:30
Speaker 1: team point one mile and I can do this right, um.
1:34
Speaker 1: And I remember celebrating with them. We did that for
1:36
Speaker 1: a couple of years, and then that kind of fell
1:38
Speaker 1: through because they end up having their own families and
1:41
Speaker 1: or other traditions happened. And then I went to another
1:45
Speaker 1: one which was beautiful and they were good friends and
1:48
Speaker 1: they just hosted a whole feast. So my two really
1:52
Speaker 1: good friends. One of them is a chef and he
1:54
Speaker 1: kills it and makes all these things, best mac and cheese,
1:58
Speaker 1: all of the things. And we come to there and
2:00
Speaker 1: I usually bring in like, hey, I bought cookies. You're welcome, um,
2:03
Speaker 1: because I just get nervous and I just get overwhelmed
2:06
Speaker 1: with all of that. As you know you've seen me cook.
2:09
Speaker 1: It's a it's a task. It's always delightful. I try,
2:14
Speaker 1: but I really do enjoy it. I think it got
2:16
Speaker 1: bigger and bigger for that one and so started getting
2:18
Speaker 1: too chaotic for me, where I'm like, I have to
2:21
Speaker 1: hang out with strangers now because friends, friends of friends
2:24
Speaker 1: would come and then I'm like, what do we do now? Right?
2:29
Speaker 1: But that actually quickly changed to being like secret not
2:33
Speaker 1: secret Santa, but like the silly Santa's where you have
2:36
Speaker 1: to take away gifts from each other or whatever that
2:39
Speaker 1: that gift is. I can't remember the name of it.
2:42
Speaker 1: But so it became that as well because it would
2:44
Speaker 1: be in between Christmas and Thanksgiving, so we would have
2:47
Speaker 1: meal and share the mill. But it wasn't necessarily Thanksgiving,
2:51
Speaker 1: so was friends Giving obviously, but also geared towards Christmas.
2:55
Speaker 1: It became that, right, right. I think I also celebrate
3:02
Speaker 1: several different friends givings because I have a lot of
3:05
Speaker 1: different friends groups that just don't interact for one reason
3:09
Speaker 1: or the other. Usually it's just they come from different
3:11
Speaker 1: points of my life and they don't intersect. Do you know,
3:15
Speaker 1: I've been thinking about this and maybe we need to
3:16
Speaker 1: do an episode, But do you isolate friend groups? Yeah?
3:19
Speaker 1: I think you know. I'm pretty bad about it, honestly, Yeah,
3:23
Speaker 1: I'm a real I get really nervous about one of
3:25
Speaker 1: my friends don't like each other and I am I
3:29
Speaker 1: feel that same way. But I feel like all of
3:31
Speaker 1: my friends should be each other's friends perfectly. So I
3:35
Speaker 1: just bring everybody together no matter what, unless it's something
3:38
Speaker 1: specific like oh, this is a work function, so we're
3:40
Speaker 1: gonna keep this a work function. But like if you
3:43
Speaker 1: make it into my friend group, I try to mix
3:45
Speaker 1: up all of friends, but I have several friends who
3:49
Speaker 1: you included that keep them isolated in specific pockets, and
3:52
Speaker 1: I find that interesting whole different conversations. I will I
3:57
Speaker 1: will intersect the friend groups and it almost always goes okay. Um.
4:01
Speaker 1: I have a few instances where it didn't, but I
4:05
Speaker 1: just get I get some of my head about it.
4:07
Speaker 1: I get so worried about it, and I'm always like,
4:09
Speaker 1: what if they're mad I invited this person they don't know.
4:11
Speaker 1: I think about it to way too much. But anyway,
4:14
Speaker 1: so for a while I was going to like three
4:15
Speaker 1: or four every year, and that's like a different It's
4:18
Speaker 1: really funny to me that this holiday started out as
4:21
Speaker 1: like a way to not be stressed and have a
4:24
Speaker 1: relaxing one, and then, as we are wont to do
4:28
Speaker 1: in America and with capitalism, it did sort of go
4:31
Speaker 1: opted we're gonna talk all about that. I still love
4:34
Speaker 1: friends Giving, but it it it was like, Okay, now
4:36
Speaker 1: I've gone from like two celebrations to seven, um, and
4:41
Speaker 1: so I celebrate. I'm going to one this Friday, hopefully
4:45
Speaker 1: this Friday or next Friday. This Friday, because friends Giving
4:50
Speaker 1: usually takes place the Friday, well, we'll talk about that.
4:54
Speaker 1: It's it usually takes place the weekend before or after,
4:57
Speaker 1: like two weeks after Thanksgiving. Um. But I did have
5:00
Speaker 1: a friend group that did it. Um. They would have
5:03
Speaker 1: their friends Giving the day after Thanksgiving, and I could
5:06
Speaker 1: never go because like I'm still in family mode at
5:10
Speaker 1: that point. And it was always a bummer because I
5:15
Speaker 1: wanted to go. I like those friends, but they also
5:18
Speaker 1: lived like an hour away, so it wasn't the right,
5:20
Speaker 1: super easy thing. Well, you know Caroline previously of stuff
5:24
Speaker 1: I've never told you. Her birthday is always the day
5:27
Speaker 1: after Thanksgiving, and it's always like more right near Thanksgiving.
5:31
Speaker 1: It is always such a bumber because she's like no
5:32
Speaker 1: one's around. I can't hang with anybody, right, I know,
5:38
Speaker 1: And I always do try to make an effort to
5:39
Speaker 1: get to her party, which I feel like she usually
5:42
Speaker 1: throws like two days later something. Yeah, she tried because
5:45
Speaker 1: she knows that if if she wants people there, typically
5:48
Speaker 1: she has to wait. But yeah, right, I was like,
5:50
Speaker 1: oh man, my sister is the same way. Her birthday
5:53
Speaker 1: is right after Christmas. Yeah. Yeah, I've had some I
5:56
Speaker 1: have some friends that I have that issue is well, Um,
6:01
Speaker 1: and I feel like a mine my main friend group
6:04
Speaker 1: that I've had that does friends giving. Um, we've been
6:07
Speaker 1: doing it since high school, which is actually when it
6:09
Speaker 1: started to get really popular. But it has also become
6:12
Speaker 1: kind of a Christmas slash Thanksgiving where we exchange gifts
6:16
Speaker 1: and stuff like that. So that makes sense to me
6:20
Speaker 1: easier to kind of smash it together. Right, Okay, So
6:26
Speaker 1: we wanted to talk about what friends giving is some
6:29
Speaker 1: of the history behind it. Yeah, it's pretty much what
6:31
Speaker 1: it sounds like. Friends Giving is typically a gathering of
6:34
Speaker 1: friends of a large meal, happened sometimes around the American
6:37
Speaker 1: holiday of Thanksgiving, sometimes as a replacement for the holiday
6:40
Speaker 1: usually celebrated with family. So for some it's a way
6:43
Speaker 1: to get out of a family gathering all For others,
6:45
Speaker 1: it's much more of a logistical choice, like maybe you're
6:48
Speaker 1: setting out of the country. Um, Like I had a
6:50
Speaker 1: lot of friends in college who you know, we're from
6:53
Speaker 1: a different country and they're not going to fly home
6:55
Speaker 1: or even different parts of the country, Like not everyone
6:57
Speaker 1: can afford to do that, and other going to celebrate
7:00
Speaker 1: this so exactly right, right right right yeah, And maybe
7:05
Speaker 1: for whatever reason, you don't have family to celebrate with. Um.
7:08
Speaker 1: For some who may live at home with their parents family,
7:11
Speaker 1: it's a nice way to get to the house and
7:13
Speaker 1: get some space. And I remember in high school feeling like, oh,
7:16
Speaker 1: we're having a It felt like we were adult or
7:18
Speaker 1: something like we're hosting. Yeah. Um. I have some friends
7:23
Speaker 1: that do it in part because they can't drink at
7:26
Speaker 1: family events. And you know, it's just nice to know
7:30
Speaker 1: that you're generally aligned culturally, politically, socially with the other attendees,
7:35
Speaker 1: which might not be the case with your family, my family,
7:41
Speaker 1: which is also why I don't want to go home,
7:43
Speaker 1: but I must and I do. I know. I am
7:47
Speaker 1: very honest and open. I love my family, I really do.
7:50
Speaker 1: And as a child I did enjoy the Thanksgiving thing.
7:54
Speaker 1: It made me feel homey, it made me feel nice.
7:57
Speaker 1: We had some little traditions. Um was when I started
8:00
Speaker 1: getting older, I was like, oh, this is getting bad.
8:02
Speaker 1: This is the conversation is getting bad. We are really
8:05
Speaker 1: awkward with each other because it's obviously that we're growing
8:07
Speaker 1: apart and I'm starting to have my own ideals and
8:10
Speaker 1: it's not aligning with yours. And this is getting uglier because, uh,
8:14
Speaker 1: one of my brothers is really really good at just
8:19
Speaker 1: needling just enough, but my mom says does the he's
8:23
Speaker 1: just joking, but also gets really uncomfortable and tells him
8:25
Speaker 1: to stop. So both of those things. Recently had a
8:29
Speaker 1: couple of blow up with the families where I don't
8:32
Speaker 1: have any We've never outright had a conflict before, and
8:36
Speaker 1: then all of a sudden it's been kind of between
8:37
Speaker 1: me and my mom because I probably shared the most
8:40
Speaker 1: with her. I don't talk directly to my siblings and
8:43
Speaker 1: I'm not close to them. So yeah, this is absolutely
8:45
Speaker 1: me um. And the first time I was able to
8:47
Speaker 1: like not go home and I actually visited friends in Baltimore,
8:52
Speaker 1: it was amazing and I wish I could do. How
8:55
Speaker 1: do I do this every year? Right? Right? I know?
9:00
Speaker 1: For me, like growing up, we would go my mom's
9:03
Speaker 1: side of the family, like all of her siblings would
9:05
Speaker 1: come and they would bring their children and my grandparents
9:08
Speaker 1: would be there and it was really cool and I
9:11
Speaker 1: liked it, but I much preferred it when we started
9:14
Speaker 1: doing it with like just our family, just a small
9:16
Speaker 1: amount of people. It was much less stress, even for
9:19
Speaker 1: me as a child, Like I don't know, I was
9:20
Speaker 1: picking up on all these things, right right. Um, So,
9:26
Speaker 1: history wise, as far as we know, the word first
9:29
Speaker 1: appeared in writing in two thousand seven on places like Twitter,
9:33
Speaker 1: a mashup of friends and Thanksgiving used to describe an
9:36
Speaker 1: informal meal shared with friends in the holiday season. People
9:40
Speaker 1: were quick to adopt the term. It really is probably
9:43
Speaker 1: one of the more significant words that we all know
9:45
Speaker 1: now in the US. Uh, And it started appearing in
9:48
Speaker 1: things like magazines or edited print online, popping up in
9:52
Speaker 1: a variety of lifestyle pieces in two thousand eight and
9:54
Speaker 1: two thousand nine. Yes, so they're gonna monetize like nobody's
9:57
Speaker 1: business and this is an amazing another holiday, let's do this. Yes,
10:02
Speaker 1: and speaking of friends giving really took off because that
10:07
Speaker 1: year Bailey's Irish Cream used it in an ad campaign
10:12
Speaker 1: and it was part of an episode of the Real
10:14
Speaker 1: Housewives of New Jersey called gobble Fellows. Is this the
10:18
Speaker 1: one where she flips the table. I have no idea.
10:21
Speaker 1: I need someone to tell me because I'm too latey
10:23
Speaker 1: to google this. I could never find out otherwise, Listeners,
10:29
Speaker 1: I just remember the iconic saying this is when I
10:31
Speaker 1: was kind of watching The Housewives and New Jersey. They
10:35
Speaker 1: are dar are entertaining, like I'm trying to find the
10:39
Speaker 1: best words, and I remember correctly. I wonder if this
10:42
Speaker 1: is the infamous flip scene. That's an almost Like so many,
10:46
Speaker 1: it became one of the best gifts for a while. Well, listeners,
10:51
Speaker 1: let us know you're counting on you. In twenty thirteen,
10:57
Speaker 1: butter Ball, as in the Turkey's Yest filed a patent
11:00
Speaker 1: were friends Giving Turkey in southern California, and Taco Bell
11:06
Speaker 1: hosted a friends giving feast with the slogan nothing is
11:09
Speaker 1: better than a friend with Taco Bell. And you can
11:12
Speaker 1: find the invites online. You can find shirts, you can
11:15
Speaker 1: find pictures that gave me some delight. So on TikTok
11:19
Speaker 1: just recently, and I will send you this video any
11:21
Speaker 1: because I've sent you everything else. Why not. A woman
11:25
Speaker 1: actually pretty much challenged Taco Bell, saying that she lived
11:28
Speaker 1: in rural I don't know, it's not North Carolina or
11:31
Speaker 1: somewhere maybe Georgia even and there was no Taco Bell.
11:35
Speaker 1: She's like, there's no way you can get this to me. Idea,
11:37
Speaker 1: how are you going to do this thing? And so
11:39
Speaker 1: Taco Bell sent a whole care package to her with
11:43
Speaker 1: all of these fancy air quotes, uh like dining room
11:47
Speaker 1: stuff and including uh like side dishes, table runners, floors,
11:53
Speaker 1: all of them with Taco Bell and broadery. They had
11:56
Speaker 1: like uh stickers for her to give away patches. But
11:59
Speaker 1: it was whole mill and it wasn't Taco Bell. It
12:02
Speaker 1: was Thanksgiving meal for her. That's interesting. It wasn't Taco Bell.
12:08
Speaker 1: I think she got the sauces though, okay, which apparently
12:11
Speaker 1: there's a shortage of Oh you betta watch it out. Sorry,
12:19
Speaker 1: Taco Bell is killing this friends giving Thanksgiving thing. I'm
12:21
Speaker 1: just gonna saying I really enjoyed learning about it. It
12:25
Speaker 1: made me laugh. These are just a handful of the
12:28
Speaker 1: companies that jumped on the friends giving wagon in these
12:31
Speaker 1: early days. Over seventy Facebook events contained the word friends giving.
12:35
Speaker 1: In that same year, mentions of friends giving doubled on
12:40
Speaker 1: the payment app benmo ovin Moo. Now it's mainstream enough
12:45
Speaker 1: that a movie called Friends Giving came out in twenty twenty.
12:48
Speaker 1: I missed this one and it got around at one
12:51
Speaker 1: point two million mentions on Instagram that's awesome, And that
12:55
Speaker 1: same year Miriam Webster added it to the Dictionary of
12:59
Speaker 1: All the Super Official of course, and you can buy shirts,
13:02
Speaker 1: find how to recipes, and even rules and commandments. I
13:06
Speaker 1: have seen a lot of etiquette things about friends giving
13:08
Speaker 1: I have to, and I was like, whoa, you need
13:12
Speaker 1: to know the rules. It's like clashes for sure, including
13:17
Speaker 1: the fact that if you bring the wrong person, if
13:19
Speaker 1: you bring guests, you're not supposed to how much food
13:21
Speaker 1: you're supposed to bring, and what kind of like if
13:23
Speaker 1: you're supposed to bring drinks or not. I guess I
13:25
Speaker 1: think yeah, And then I've learned you're not supposed to
13:28
Speaker 1: expect to use the person's kitchen like all sorts of stuff.
13:32
Speaker 1: Not that I ever did that, but I didn't realize
13:36
Speaker 1: that have cold food. Wow. But yeah, I feel like
13:41
Speaker 1: with all of these things that you can find now,
13:44
Speaker 1: it does sort of get away from the original intent
13:46
Speaker 1: to friends giving, which again it was supposed to be
13:48
Speaker 1: much more relaxed hang out time. But more on that
13:52
Speaker 1: in a second, social scientists believe that a part of
13:55
Speaker 1: the popularity when it comes to millennials and friends giving
13:58
Speaker 1: also has to do with things like the laying marriage
14:00
Speaker 1: or not getting married at all, not happening to children.
14:03
Speaker 1: The shifting view of what family is and can be
14:06
Speaker 1: friends of the new family was something that came up
14:08
Speaker 1: in a lot of the articles I read. So that
14:11
Speaker 1: makes sense. Yeah, it's that it's the new trends that
14:14
Speaker 1: blood is not your family, you make your own family.
14:17
Speaker 1: And we know a lot has happened, especially when it
14:19
Speaker 1: comes to LGBTQ communities, and how this has really been
14:23
Speaker 1: able to be replenishing for them in the friends group,
14:26
Speaker 1: so in the family group. Malcolm Harris, author of Kids
14:30
Speaker 1: These Days, Human Capital and the Making of Millennials, things
14:34
Speaker 1: it's more of a sign of the average lower income
14:37
Speaker 1: of millennials, saying, quote, friends giving is a propaganda weapon
14:41
Speaker 1: used by the ruling class to further their plans for
14:44
Speaker 1: wage stagnation. Yeah, it was interesting. Art was interesting. Yeah, oh,
14:50
Speaker 1: and that was probably one of the lighter scene. But
14:55
Speaker 1: essentially like we can't afford to have Thanksgiving, our houses
14:59
Speaker 1: are family. It's a whole thing. He wrote about it.
15:02
Speaker 1: So there's that. Well okay, yes, yeah, cheers to that.
15:22
Speaker 1: So there. I think there's a lot of reasons going
15:25
Speaker 1: on beyond the ones we've already listed behind friends Giving.
15:30
Speaker 1: We've talked before about how the emotional labor um which,
15:34
Speaker 1: by the way, it is a lot of emotional labor
15:37
Speaker 1: of the holidays often falls to women, especially if you
15:41
Speaker 1: are a mother or like ahead of the family in
15:44
Speaker 1: some way. It's you know, you're expected to do a
15:46
Speaker 1: lot of the planning um, and during the pandemic this
15:49
Speaker 1: has become even more laborious, dreating and exhausting. I keep
15:51
Speaker 1: seeing all these things about all the shortages going on
15:54
Speaker 1: and having to get your gifts way ahead and plan
15:58
Speaker 1: the food way ahead, all that stuff um, which is stressful.
16:02
Speaker 1: So when you search friends Giving, the results aimed towards
16:06
Speaker 1: women are interesting because a lot of it sounds to
16:08
Speaker 1: me like essentially, come as you are, where are your pajamas?
16:13
Speaker 1: If you want to bring what you want, whether you
16:14
Speaker 1: brought it at the store, made it a much less stressful,
16:19
Speaker 1: more relaxed and get together where women don't have to
16:20
Speaker 1: put on this performance. A lot of it to me
16:22
Speaker 1: just sounds like, yeah, you don't have to put on
16:24
Speaker 1: this performance, just come have fun, um, which is interesting
16:30
Speaker 1: because I think it's really telling that we created a
16:32
Speaker 1: holiday that's supposed to be stress free when in theory
16:35
Speaker 1: the holidays are a time for relaxing. But who makes
16:38
Speaker 1: the magic. It's often women, I will say so. The
16:43
Speaker 1: more recent friends giving that have been a part of
16:46
Speaker 1: is the same sex couple. Um, it's it's my guy friends,
16:49
Speaker 1: and they are amazing at it and they do so
16:52
Speaker 1: they do a lot of work to say that. I know,
16:56
Speaker 1: just as much as I love hosting, it's a whole venture. Yeah,
17:01
Speaker 1: I have a friend couple like that as well. And
17:05
Speaker 1: that was something else that I came across when of
17:09
Speaker 1: his researching. This is again the whole idea that maybe
17:12
Speaker 1: you don't have UM, you're delaying marriage or not getting married,
17:15
Speaker 1: or your family doesn't accept you for whatever reason, but
17:18
Speaker 1: you still want to host things UM. And some people
17:21
Speaker 1: do enjoy that aspect of it, and like you know
17:24
Speaker 1: that feeling of I have enough space, like I've made
17:27
Speaker 1: it and I can host something for some people that's
17:30
Speaker 1: really really rewarding. I do like it on occasion, right,
17:34
Speaker 1: but in general stressful. It's the whole thing. I know,
17:39
Speaker 1: Like the beginning getting everything together, trying to put it
17:42
Speaker 1: together and making sure you have enough food, making sure
17:44
Speaker 1: I've got the right food, whether it's okay. This one
17:46
Speaker 1: doesn't drink, so I need to make sure this is
17:48
Speaker 1: available for them. This one is lactose intolerant, this is vegetarian,
17:51
Speaker 1: so we need to have these availabilities and don't let
17:53
Speaker 1: these things touch, like these are things that go through
17:55
Speaker 1: my head. And then once I've seen that everyone has
17:58
Speaker 1: enjoyed it, and what I mean enjoy boy, I mean
18:00
Speaker 1: they're eating all the foods or loving what's going on,
18:03
Speaker 1: or having a really good conversation and or just relaxed.
18:07
Speaker 1: Then after that that's when my satisfaction happens and like,
18:10
Speaker 1: oh my god, I did it slash, I'm so glad
18:13
Speaker 1: that came. I love my friends. Those types of moments,
18:16
Speaker 1: But the initial is the biggest headache in anxiety, inducing
18:21
Speaker 1: a moment of like scrounging and scraping about everywhere and
18:25
Speaker 1: rushing around like I'm chicken with the head cut off
18:27
Speaker 1: and trying to get it together. Yeah yeah, yeah, and
18:33
Speaker 1: then having that the fear the whole time of like
18:36
Speaker 1: if something's gone wrong or what if people don't have
18:39
Speaker 1: a good time. Am I doing enough entertaining? Right? Me
18:42
Speaker 1: having to flop around and make sure you've got plates?
18:44
Speaker 1: And of course I'm mommy extra hard and I say
18:47
Speaker 1: that in that I'm very Southern caretaker levels social work
18:51
Speaker 1: person here that so I need to know not only
18:54
Speaker 1: have you eaten, you've gotten your drinks? You are you low?
18:57
Speaker 1: I'm coming? What else do you want? Like that is
18:59
Speaker 1: it's I never tried, I never stopped. Mm hmm, Yes,
19:04
Speaker 1: this is true. I can attest and I learned that
19:09
Speaker 1: from my mother to be fair, which again puts that
19:12
Speaker 1: whole heavy burden. Yep. I think a lot of that,
19:15
Speaker 1: especially as we've discussed a lot of times, women are
19:19
Speaker 1: more socialized to be like the event planners and the
19:21
Speaker 1: social people would making sure everything's okay. And that's one
19:25
Speaker 1: of the things when I started, I won't call it
19:30
Speaker 1: a feminist awakening, but I started having like these questions.
19:35
Speaker 1: And I would get so mad Thanksgiving because it would
19:38
Speaker 1: be me my mom and we would just cook all
19:40
Speaker 1: day in the kitchen and then people would come down
19:43
Speaker 1: any and then they would go back up, and then
19:45
Speaker 1: we would clean everything up, and I was like, this
19:48
Speaker 1: is the boy, right, And then they would get frustrated
19:52
Speaker 1: if if they would get hungry and it wasn't done yet,
19:54
Speaker 1: like you're welcome to come down and help if they
19:59
Speaker 1: come down. In hell, I have a lot of people
20:04
Speaker 1: in my family who are not good at making conversation
20:06
Speaker 1: and also are not good at like they it's almost
20:10
Speaker 1: like they shut down when you tell them how to
20:11
Speaker 1: do something and they don't know how to do it,
20:13
Speaker 1: and then it's like now I've gotta see you. Um
20:18
Speaker 1: so it becomes a thing where like now it's gone
20:20
Speaker 1: from at least me and my mom. I say, this
20:21
Speaker 1: is someone who loves my family as well, but at
20:24
Speaker 1: least it me and my mom, Like we have easy
20:25
Speaker 1: conversation that kind of know what to do. It's not
20:28
Speaker 1: a stress. But if they come down and I gotta
20:32
Speaker 1: gotta have this conversation, I don't know that's all the
20:34
Speaker 1: attention is on, you h But I think one of
20:39
Speaker 1: the big things that I remember from my parents, my
20:41
Speaker 1: mother specifically, is as much as she needed help, but
20:44
Speaker 1: because she got would get frustrated if it wasn't done
20:46
Speaker 1: in such a way. And I'm not trying to gas
20:48
Speaker 1: light this is not the pretending like you don't know
20:50
Speaker 1: what to do and you mess up on purpose that incompetence.
20:53
Speaker 1: Incompetence dance at that level, it's not even that. But
20:56
Speaker 1: she really has this ideal of exactly what she wants,
21:00
Speaker 1: and she gets flustered and can't communicate that well. And
21:03
Speaker 1: so in her mind, and she will tell you this,
21:05
Speaker 1: she would rather just go ahead and do it then
21:08
Speaker 1: have to tell you, because this is going to be
21:09
Speaker 1: such a frustrating conversation. By the time she finished telling
21:13
Speaker 1: me or you or someone else, she could have already
21:15
Speaker 1: done it in hern That is her rationale. So having
21:19
Speaker 1: people around her, and she's she's kicked me out with
21:22
Speaker 1: the kitchen many times because just underfoot, I just need
21:25
Speaker 1: to get this done literally being told that. The only
21:29
Speaker 1: person at some point in time she finally trusted was
21:32
Speaker 1: my sister, who was almost as anal as her, so
21:37
Speaker 1: it was like right on par with each other. So
21:40
Speaker 1: she was able to trust that. As she's gotten like
21:43
Speaker 1: a much older and our family has grown much more extensively,
21:47
Speaker 1: she has kind of cared less and step back, which
21:49
Speaker 1: also is why we'll have Thanksgiving dinner and it's sandwiches.
21:52
Speaker 1: And I understand why, but that was one of the
21:55
Speaker 1: biggest disappointments I think I've ever gone through because I
21:58
Speaker 1: don't typically, you know, Christmas, I'm not always home and
22:01
Speaker 1: my mother is a good cook, and they're all great,
22:03
Speaker 1: and yes, i know it takes a lot of effort,
22:05
Speaker 1: but I'm like, oh, this is my Thanksgiving holiday, mill Okay,
22:12
Speaker 1: But again I understand why, and I get like, yeah,
22:16
Speaker 1: I'm over it. She's over it. She's done. She's done.
22:18
Speaker 1: She's done this for fifty something years now, and it's
22:23
Speaker 1: just like, and I've had to be doing this for
22:25
Speaker 1: so long. Done, You're right, right, it makes sense. We
22:32
Speaker 1: definitely there are definitely things that we've slowly kind of
22:35
Speaker 1: let go for the years, and we're not going to
22:37
Speaker 1: do that anymore. And we're not going to get out
22:38
Speaker 1: the nice whatever. Yeah, unless my mom feels fancy m hmm,
22:46
Speaker 1: then I do paper plates right right, Yeah, aren't so much.
22:51
Speaker 1: It is a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot
22:54
Speaker 1: um And actually, that was another thing I wanted to
22:56
Speaker 1: bring up, is the reason Thanksgiving is on a Thursday
23:00
Speaker 1: in the first place is so that the wife would
23:04
Speaker 1: have time to make this big feast for her family
23:06
Speaker 1: and the traditional Sunday meal that used to be like
23:08
Speaker 1: every Sunday, you would do this, so that is why
23:11
Speaker 1: it's on Thursday. Oh my goodness, Oh my goodness, I
23:15
Speaker 1: did not know that. I'm very upset about the situation.
23:18
Speaker 1: And I guess it makes sense because we know that
23:20
Speaker 1: Thanksgiving and I know there's been an episode, so if
23:23
Speaker 1: y'all want to go listen to it, please go about
23:25
Speaker 1: Surgencifa Hale, who is the godmother or the mother of Thanksgiving,
23:30
Speaker 1: which happened during the Lincoln administration, so way back when
23:34
Speaker 1: um as a way of unifying the country. We know
23:38
Speaker 1: that that was the whole intent, and during that time,
23:41
Speaker 1: of course, the women of the household would make a
23:44
Speaker 1: giant face and or have their people, if there were
23:47
Speaker 1: enslaved people, make an entire feast for whomever. Not knowing
23:51
Speaker 1: much about I'm assuming it's also a rich person holiday
23:54
Speaker 1: at that point in time, about who can afford food
23:57
Speaker 1: and when, because we know through a whole thing. But
24:00
Speaker 1: the first Thanksgivings were originated back to sixt hundreds, and
24:04
Speaker 1: they weren't as cute as you think they were, and
24:06
Speaker 1: a lot of mascarts happened. As in fact, we know
24:08
Speaker 1: some tribes and some communities will actually do this thanksgiving
24:13
Speaker 1: us a day of mourning as it should. So it's
24:16
Speaker 1: not pretty in any way whatsoever, and we have completely
24:20
Speaker 1: taken it to a whole different realm. Yes, I do
24:23
Speaker 1: go down dark paths apologies, but in knowing all of that,
24:27
Speaker 1: it's kind of like, oh, yeah, of course, what would
24:29
Speaker 1: would put more labor on women and not giving them
24:32
Speaker 1: a day of like, hey, this is the day of us.
24:34
Speaker 1: It's more of No, this is double your work, good luck.
24:38
Speaker 1: And also this is the way to say about community
24:40
Speaker 1: because we are ripped the shreds because you know, the
24:42
Speaker 1: enslaved people. We actually want to have freedom and rights
24:46
Speaker 1: and abolish all of this nastiness, but we need to
24:50
Speaker 1: keep the family together because you know Jesus. Maybe, um, yeah,
24:57
Speaker 1: I didn't. I wasn't aware of that when we did
25:00
Speaker 1: that episode on Sarah justse fora hil um, which it
25:02
Speaker 1: really is an interesting story. I wasn't aware of this,
25:05
Speaker 1: Like traditional Sunday meal, there could be another reason it's
25:07
Speaker 1: on Thursday, but I know that it is at least
25:09
Speaker 1: one of the reasons. She was like, we'll do it
25:11
Speaker 1: on Thursday. I don't give the women time to prepare
25:15
Speaker 1: for the traditional Sunday meal. Won't mess with that. So
25:18
Speaker 1: I mean, that's that's pretty telling right there, right. Yeah,
25:23
Speaker 1: And I also think that friends giving just makes sense, um.
25:26
Speaker 1: And I know, I think I was celebrating it before
25:29
Speaker 1: it was a thing, Like we didn't call it that,
25:32
Speaker 1: but it's just we were doing that, right. It just
25:35
Speaker 1: makes sense to me, Like you want to hang out
25:36
Speaker 1: with friends during the holidays, it might be the only
25:38
Speaker 1: time you have off, um a bunch of your friends
25:40
Speaker 1: and in certain groups. Yeah, and so to me it
25:44
Speaker 1: makes sense in that way. And also just want to
25:47
Speaker 1: put in here the term friends giving is often attributed
25:50
Speaker 1: to the show Friends. Um, that is not where it
25:52
Speaker 1: came from. But they did celebrate what we would now
25:55
Speaker 1: call friends giving on the show just right. I think
26:00
Speaker 1: I remember that. Is that the Turkey episode? I mean
26:03
Speaker 1: they did it several in several episodes, but yes, it
26:06
Speaker 1: is that one. Yeah, Uh, I do remember, because I
26:10
Speaker 1: thought that was nasty and I was like, why would
26:11
Speaker 1: you do this to yourself? I think we also did
26:13
Speaker 1: that before friends giving became a thing, and it was
26:15
Speaker 1: a way of exchanging presence in between because of course
26:18
Speaker 1: you couldn't do it during family times that I would
26:21
Speaker 1: want to get gifts to my friends. Uh. And of
26:23
Speaker 1: course in high school you hung out with your friends
26:25
Speaker 1: all the time, so you need to make that happen
26:27
Speaker 1: in order to the gift exchange all of that. I
26:30
Speaker 1: think later on it became a whole different level um
26:34
Speaker 1: of sharing food. At one point in time, was just
26:36
Speaker 1: going to restaurants and hanging out. And honestly, like I
26:38
Speaker 1: was thinking about it for this year, I'm like, I
26:40
Speaker 1: think I might just rent a back room invite ten people.
26:44
Speaker 1: And that's the entirety of friends giving is. I don't
26:46
Speaker 1: want to host it at my house. I don't want
26:47
Speaker 1: to make anybody clean, I don't want anybody have to cook.
26:50
Speaker 1: We're just gonna sit in child and hanging period and
26:53
Speaker 1: I feel like that would be and we could also
26:55
Speaker 1: support someone who was having to work during the holidays
26:58
Speaker 1: and get the money. That sounds nice. Sounds nice. So
27:17
Speaker 1: to close out, I did want to talk about, you know,
27:19
Speaker 1: some some memories and traditions, um, because I remember when
27:23
Speaker 1: the pandemic was in full spring last year and we
27:26
Speaker 1: were trying to think of ways to celebrate the holidays
27:29
Speaker 1: in a time where it's so kind of different and
27:32
Speaker 1: risky and ways to do so. So in that way,
27:37
Speaker 1: we'll talk about some of the stuff that we have,
27:39
Speaker 1: some of our memories and some things you might be
27:41
Speaker 1: interested in. And what I will say is I have
27:43
Speaker 1: been doing cheese giving for about five or six years,
27:49
Speaker 1: and that I have to say has been a hit.
27:52
Speaker 1: A lot of people have written in about cheese giving. Uh,
27:55
Speaker 1: some people have started celebrating it on their own, and
27:58
Speaker 1: I applaud this, but I'm very happy you. But essentially,
28:01
Speaker 1: cheese giving is a particular group of friends of mine
28:06
Speaker 1: who all love cheese, and this is our specific friends
28:11
Speaker 1: giving and we all we get together, we make a
28:14
Speaker 1: cheese board. It's become like maybe I'll post some pictures.
28:18
Speaker 1: It has become a much bigger thing than it used
28:21
Speaker 1: to be, where we'd all bring, like, you know, maybe
28:22
Speaker 1: they'd be five cheeses. Now it's a spread. Now it's
28:25
Speaker 1: a whole thing. Um, and we've gotten really good at
28:28
Speaker 1: making a nice cheese plate. And there's wine and usually
28:32
Speaker 1: horror movies because of course. But uh, some of the
28:36
Speaker 1: cheeses I like on my cheeseboard are I like a Brie,
28:40
Speaker 1: I like a Kuda, a groy air, a sharp cheddar,
28:45
Speaker 1: and a goat cheese. Then I like cucumbers and sir racha. Yes, yes,
28:52
Speaker 1: but my friends, so I bring that and some wine.
28:57
Speaker 1: My friends will bring like what I would call fancy
28:59
Speaker 1: or cheese. Is so they really like espresso, cheese wine. Jesus,
29:04
Speaker 1: is that sarace love love love, yes, yes, and it's
29:10
Speaker 1: a lovely, lovely time. Um. And then I have another
29:13
Speaker 1: friend group where unfortunately I've only made it to this
29:17
Speaker 1: friend's giving once, but they do a friends giving wreath
29:20
Speaker 1: where you right what you what you wish or want
29:25
Speaker 1: in the coming year. And two of my best friends, um,
29:31
Speaker 1: one of them wrote, you know, I'm going to marry
29:34
Speaker 1: this person on the wreath and they got married. Yeah, yeah,
29:44
Speaker 1: I do. I appreciate little things like that, traditions that
29:47
Speaker 1: we make with our friends, right yeah. And then I
29:52
Speaker 1: wanted to mention this because somebody, a listener wrote in
29:57
Speaker 1: about this and I'm so sorry, I can't remember your name,
29:59
Speaker 1: and I think this was a wild back so I
30:00
Speaker 1: couldn't find it. Um. But what they do, or at
30:03
Speaker 1: least one time they did a time where everyone brought
30:07
Speaker 1: in like their favorite foods, our foods from their family
30:12
Speaker 1: or like their history, and in that way you would
30:15
Speaker 1: just get this very interesting like spread of foods from
30:19
Speaker 1: all over and maybe things you've never tried before, and
30:22
Speaker 1: it sounded like such a lovely thing. And she said
30:25
Speaker 1: the idea was from the movie Signs, where I don't know,
30:28
Speaker 1: at the end of the movie, I guess they think
30:31
Speaker 1: they're going to die. Maybe they sort of have a
30:33
Speaker 1: last meal. They like, what do you want? What's the
30:35
Speaker 1: thing you want? But I like that idea. I like
30:39
Speaker 1: the idea of just like, let's make it really whatever
30:43
Speaker 1: it is, doesn't have to coordinate at all. The luck Yeah, yeah,
30:48
Speaker 1: my friends are more on the Google uh so that
30:54
Speaker 1: we have to make sure and I'm using like cookies, wine,
30:57
Speaker 1: You're welcome. I didn't make a baked mac and cheese
31:00
Speaker 1: one time. It was pretty good, yea for our friends
31:03
Speaker 1: stuff we don't have. I've been trying to get in
31:05
Speaker 1: on this cheese giving. I've still not been invited. Anyway.
31:08
Speaker 1: My other friends, we've we've done a lot of different things,
31:11
Speaker 1: and typically, like I said, we do a Google doc spreadsheet.
31:13
Speaker 1: But one thing that has changed as of late. My
31:16
Speaker 1: friends are ridiculously funny and smart and tech savvy. I
31:20
Speaker 1: am not. They make fun of me all the time
31:22
Speaker 1: because I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna send this gift and
31:24
Speaker 1: it turns out to be a video and they can't play,
31:26
Speaker 1: and they're like why. I'm like, don't start with me.
31:29
Speaker 1: And I was like, they would just do a whole
31:31
Speaker 1: rolling gift back and forth and I couldn't participate. So
31:35
Speaker 1: I'll just send a link essentially, and they would find
31:38
Speaker 1: that hilarious. But because they are the East Geniuses, my
31:41
Speaker 1: good friends are the same sex. A couple I was
31:43
Speaker 1: telling about who who pretty much just like Hosts Extraordinaire.
31:46
Speaker 1: One of them have gotten to the like meme stuff,
31:49
Speaker 1: so they will do bring your favorite means and do
31:51
Speaker 1: crafts to make a mean tree, and they've done it
31:54
Speaker 1: for two years straight. Last year, of course, I think
31:56
Speaker 1: they just sent pictures, but that was kind of the
31:59
Speaker 1: idea behind what they were doing, So bring your favorite
32:03
Speaker 1: memes and I was like, I don't know, I'm not
32:06
Speaker 1: I'm not, I'm not um and I just popped up
32:09
Speaker 1: and showed up. But that's one of the traditions that
32:11
Speaker 1: they do. And I was like, Oh, that makes that's cute.
32:14
Speaker 1: I like that. So they helped decorate the tree beforehand
32:18
Speaker 1: and that's there the tree, and I'm like yeah, and
32:21
Speaker 1: then of course we did the white Elephant. Do silly
32:23
Speaker 1: gifts anything in this part, so like typically people do
32:27
Speaker 1: really good silly gifts every now and then you get
32:29
Speaker 1: the really big things. They're like, why did you okay
32:31
Speaker 1: take it, like gift cards out of know where. I'm like, yeah, okay,
32:34
Speaker 1: I have taken like but the nerf guns as a
32:37
Speaker 1: president and all that. So, but that that's the kind
32:39
Speaker 1: of traditions that they typically do, and we typically do
32:42
Speaker 1: on that note, and then just sit and then whoever
32:45
Speaker 1: falls asleep first, and it's like they get stuff stacked
32:47
Speaker 1: onto them. Yeah, yeah, well funny, funnily enough, I usually
32:56
Speaker 1: fall asleep first that she's giving because it's as little
32:59
Speaker 1: as I sleep. I have a window and I if
33:02
Speaker 1: I'm tired and I can fall asleep in that window,
33:05
Speaker 1: especially if there's wine and cheese involved, I will fall asleep.
33:09
Speaker 1: So I probably have like four or five pictures of
33:12
Speaker 1: that someone has taken while I must sleep at cheese
33:15
Speaker 1: giving every time typically and and surprisingly it's not me.
33:19
Speaker 1: Now the last two years I've gotten really bad about
33:22
Speaker 1: falling asleep because of drinks, and I'm like I'm done,
33:25
Speaker 1: I'm over it. But usually will sneak away so you
33:27
Speaker 1: can't find me. I don't intend to. It just happens suddenly.
33:35
Speaker 1: But yeah, I like that, like the meme tree crafts.
33:38
Speaker 1: That's a fun that's a fun idea. So I know
33:42
Speaker 1: we were going to give recipes and then for the
33:45
Speaker 1: whole Life of Me, I forgot which one I was
33:46
Speaker 1: gonna give. But one thing that I believe I've talked
33:50
Speaker 1: about before on this show. Over on the other show
33:53
Speaker 1: I do Savor, which is all about food and drink.
33:54
Speaker 1: We did an episode once on ambrosia, which was one
33:58
Speaker 1: of my favorite episodes we've ever ever done because it
34:01
Speaker 1: could literally be almost anything. It's it escapes definition recipe.
34:07
Speaker 1: I feel like you shared one last year. Yes, so
34:10
Speaker 1: that is one that it's super easy and if if
34:14
Speaker 1: you're looking for, because I think I also show I
34:16
Speaker 1: shared the sweet potato castrole one and chocolate pie, which
34:21
Speaker 1: are heavier, heavier things. But my version of ambrosia is
34:25
Speaker 1: pretty much like juice, whichever like if you like orange
34:29
Speaker 1: juice or orange pineapple juice, I would just stick with
34:32
Speaker 1: orange pineapple pineapple and it could be fresh or you
34:35
Speaker 1: could get it already cut. And then oranges and coconut,
34:43
Speaker 1: which you can also take the risk on a fresh coconut.
34:46
Speaker 1: You can get the shredded coconut um and pecans and
34:49
Speaker 1: that's just put them in a container and it's fruit soup. Yeah.
34:54
Speaker 1: So like I'm like, is that jello? People would do
34:56
Speaker 1: it with jello? To most people do it with jello
34:59
Speaker 1: or Marshalls. I've never heard of this. It's not what
35:02
Speaker 1: my ambrosia is. Yeah, I've seen the cloudy looking ones
35:06
Speaker 1: and I'm like, what is what is happening? So I
35:07
Speaker 1: don't trust ambrosia. I'm not gonna lie. I don't know
35:10
Speaker 1: what you put into it. Now, I know what you
35:11
Speaker 1: put into now, I know what you put into it.
35:15
Speaker 1: But I'm like, is this just the fruit cups frozen? Well?
35:23
Speaker 1: Usually it's it's much nicer, it's fresher, and I like
35:28
Speaker 1: the touch of the pecans. It's It's surprisingly popular among
35:31
Speaker 1: my friend group because it is kind of a strange,
35:35
Speaker 1: strangest thing that I make very Southern. Yes, But again,
35:39
Speaker 1: when I was looking at when I was researching for
35:42
Speaker 1: that episode on Ambrosia, I was like, people, do what
35:46
Speaker 1: you know? One of my new traditions with my sister,
35:48
Speaker 1: My sister has come upon a really great, and you
35:51
Speaker 1: just tried this, you and your friend actually really great
35:54
Speaker 1: chicken and dumpling recipe, and that's become kind of a
35:57
Speaker 1: staple where she would bring it because my son I
36:00
Speaker 1: of chicken and dumplings, and so I've been requesting it
36:02
Speaker 1: for a while. And her daughter, her oldest daughter, really
36:04
Speaker 1: loves chicken and dumplings. So it became a fan favorite
36:06
Speaker 1: and she would bring it every year. And I'm hoping
36:08
Speaker 1: that happens again, because no matter what, at least we
36:11
Speaker 1: have chicken and dumplings. Whether I'm eating sandwiches and chicken
36:14
Speaker 1: dumblings or one time lasagna and chicken and dumblings, we
36:19
Speaker 1: have weird meals in my house. I'm just kidding. My
36:21
Speaker 1: mother's trying. This is her way of trying to be adventurous,
36:24
Speaker 1: and I think it's been adorable. Actually, So my new,
36:27
Speaker 1: our new little tradition is having more chicken and dumplings.
36:30
Speaker 1: And you had it super easy. Which I had a
36:34
Speaker 1: whole conversation with Holly from Stuff You miss in History
36:38
Speaker 1: Class and Criminalia about her ideal of chicken and dumplings,
36:43
Speaker 1: and it was super interesting about the differences. And I
36:46
Speaker 1: do wonder what other people's recipes are because I go
36:49
Speaker 1: into the soupy with thick dumplings that stick to the
36:53
Speaker 1: roof of your mouth type of dumplings with chunks of
36:57
Speaker 1: white chicken breast, no veggies where those veggies coming from?
37:01
Speaker 1: That's the meal. But I think for chicken and dumplings,
37:03
Speaker 1: and honestly, it's probably top five meal for me. So
37:06
Speaker 1: I do wonder because it is to me. Now it's
37:09
Speaker 1: become a Thanksgiving tradition. I do wonder. I have another
37:11
Speaker 1: question for you all, what are everybody's thoughts on ticka
37:14
Speaker 1: and dumplings? Because I talked with you for a second
37:16
Speaker 1: and with Lauren about maybe I should come on and
37:19
Speaker 1: talk about much again a polades because I would think,
37:21
Speaker 1: and it's not mine, it's my sister, so I can't
37:22
Speaker 1: claim it, but I do make it. But yeah, that's
37:26
Speaker 1: one of our traditions. And I it's also a very
37:29
Speaker 1: Southern because I figured out my partner, even though he's
37:32
Speaker 1: from the South, never had it until I made it.
37:35
Speaker 1: I'm like, well you did in Georgia as a teenager
37:38
Speaker 1: and as a youth. I don't understand, right. I do
37:42
Speaker 1: love those conversations where everybody has a different understanding of
37:45
Speaker 1: what the same thing is right, and that was actually
37:49
Speaker 1: um one of the friends giving episodes on Friends they Had,
37:53
Speaker 1: Monica was trying to make everybody's favorite thing and it
37:55
Speaker 1: was like four different types of potatoes, fashed potatoes, and
37:58
Speaker 1: just how people thought it should taste and what it
38:00
Speaker 1: should be. Yeah. Yeah, So listeners, let us know your
38:06
Speaker 1: thoughts on chicken in deathlings. If you have any recipes
38:09
Speaker 1: you want to try, please send them our way. If
38:11
Speaker 1: you have any traditions you want to share UM. If
38:13
Speaker 1: you're celebrating friends giving any of the upcoming holidays, we
38:18
Speaker 1: hope that you have a safe and lovely time. We
38:22
Speaker 1: always love hearing from you. You can emails the stuff
38:25
Speaker 1: you Nedia moul Stuff at i heart media dot com.
38:26
Speaker 1: You can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast
38:28
Speaker 1: or on Instagram. That Stuff I've Never told you. Thanks,
38:30
Speaker 1: It's always you are super producer, Christina. Thank you, Christina,
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Speaker 1: and thanks to you for listening Stuff I've Never told
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Speaker 1: youse prodiction of I Heart Radio for more podcast on
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Speaker 1: my heart Radio, is it the iHeart Radio app, Apple
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Speaker 1: podcast or wherever you listen to your favorite shows