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How to Help Your Daughter Find Motivation in School · Raising Daughters

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  Speaker 1: Hello, friends, got your Tim Jordan here, And if you've
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  Speaker 1: clicked onto this podcast and aren't sure whether or not
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  Speaker 1: it might be a value to you, well, let me
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  Speaker 1: tell you why that may be true. If you have
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  Speaker 1: a daughter who's in grade school, middle school, high school,
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  Speaker 1: or college, and you've ever been frustrated because sometimes they're
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  Speaker 1: not motivated in school, you're going to leave this podcast,
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  Speaker 1: but a couple of really important tools to help you
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  Speaker 1: better support your kids in getting back on track with
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  Speaker 1: school and getting back on track with their motivation. Let
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  Speaker 1: me ask you a very important question. Have you ever
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  Speaker 1: asked yourself this question? Why is my daughter not motivated
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  Speaker 1: in school? I bet most of you are raising your
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  Speaker 1: hands right now. Another question I hear a lot from
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  Speaker 1: parents is how can I motivate my daughter with their schoolwork?
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  Speaker 1: And if you've ever asked yourself those questions, let's start
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  Speaker 1: with you're asking the wrong question, because a better, healthier
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  Speaker 1: question would be how can I support my daughter to
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  Speaker 1: find her own intrinsic motivation in school? Kids, teens, adults,
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  Speaker 1: all of us tend to put more into anything that
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  Speaker 1: we're doing, and we're much more willing to stick with
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  Speaker 1: it when they're going gets tough if we're the ones
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  Speaker 1: who choose to do it. When I work with girls
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  Speaker 1: who say their parents are making them do something or
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  Speaker 1: that thing that they're doing, and schoolwork is one of
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  Speaker 1: them has become a half to I try and help
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  Speaker 1: them shift their attitude to make it a quote unquote
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  Speaker 1: one two I eat why might be in their best
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  Speaker 1: interest to do okay in school? I asked them questions
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  Speaker 1: like what parts of school do you like and why
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  Speaker 1: what do you like about it? Having autonomy and the
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  Speaker 1: choice to do things instead of being made can make
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  Speaker 1: all the difference in the world when it comes to
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  Speaker 1: motivation in anything, much less schoolwork. Here's the deal. If
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  Speaker 1: we're allowed to choose to do something, we're allowed to
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  Speaker 1: choose our own course for school, are having a job,
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  Speaker 1: or playing soccer or whatever it might be. When we
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  Speaker 1: have autonomy to do those things, we have a choice.
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  Speaker 1: We naturally become more engaged in those things because we
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  Speaker 1: chose it. And when we become more engaged, we're more
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  Speaker 1: likely to put more energy into it, We're more likely
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  Speaker 1: to experience those flow moments we're really into it, We're
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  Speaker 1: much more likely to achieve mastery and that thing, and
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  Speaker 1: also importantly, to derive more fulfillment from it. I read
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  Speaker 1: a story long time ago about a young girl in college,
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  Speaker 1: and she was playing soccer in college, and the coach
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  Speaker 1: had a meeting every year with each of his players
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  Speaker 1: one on one before the season. So before her sophomore
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  Speaker 1: season at the University of North Carolina, this this young
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  Speaker 1: woman was sitting across from her coach and he asked
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  Speaker 1: her a question. He said, what do you want with
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  Speaker 1: your soccer now? This girl was taken aback and she
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  Speaker 1: struggled to find an answer, and her coach very wisely
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  Speaker 1: walked over to the light switch in the room. He
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  Speaker 1: turned it off and then back on and off and on,
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  Speaker 1: and he said to this young woman, it's just a decision,
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  Speaker 1: but you have to make it each and every day,
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  Speaker 1: and then he wisely left her to grapple with the truth.
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  Speaker 1: He walked out of the room. Like most young adults,
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  Speaker 1: this woman had never really taken the time to go
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  Speaker 1: inside and figure out what she wanted, what was important
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  Speaker 1: to her, what was right for her? Why did she
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  Speaker 1: love soccer? And she realized that she had to choose
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  Speaker 1: between mediocrity and excellence, and that it was the decision
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  Speaker 1: she would have to make each and every day just
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  Speaker 1: like the coach's light switch metaphor. So this young woman
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  Speaker 1: rededicated herself to put in the work to attain her goal.
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  Speaker 1: She wanted to be the best in the world, and
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  Speaker 1: she got amazing results. When she retired, she was considered
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  Speaker 1: the best female soccer player in history. She was the
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  Speaker 1: youngest soccer player at age fifteen to play for the
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  Speaker 1: national team. She won four consecutive NCAA Women's Soccer Championships.
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  Speaker 1: She finished as a hersord team's all time leading scorer.
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  Speaker 1: She's the youngest team member aged nineteen in history to
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  Speaker 1: win the World Cup. She won the Women's World Cup
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  Speaker 1: in nineteen ninety one, nineteen ninety nine, Olympic gold medals
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  Speaker 1: in ninety six, in two thousand and four, and she
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  Speaker 1: held the record for most international goals scored until June
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  Speaker 1: of two thous the thirteen. This young woman in college
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  Speaker 1: was Mia Ham considered probably the one of the great
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  Speaker 1: one of the if not the greatest women's soccer player
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  Speaker 1: in history. And it only happened because she found her
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  Speaker 1: own motivation. So I think it's important to have us
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  Speaker 1: have some sit down with your daughter or take them
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  Speaker 1: for a walk and ask them what kind of grades
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  Speaker 1: that they want to achieve in school, and maybe more
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  Speaker 1: importantly why. A lot of kids to please you may
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  Speaker 1: say well, I want to get a's, because that's what
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  Speaker 1: they're supposed to say, right, But then ask them why
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  Speaker 1: do you want as now, don't do it for me?
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  Speaker 1: If it was for you for your reasons, why might
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  Speaker 1: you want that? Why might you want to do well
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  Speaker 1: in school? You can also ask them things about everything
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  Speaker 1: they do. Why do they love playing soccer, why they
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  Speaker 1: love to draw or paint? Why is it important excuse
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  Speaker 1: me to them? And when they tell you why they
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  Speaker 1: want to do what they want to do and why
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  Speaker 1: they want to do well in school, then just mirror
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  Speaker 1: that back so they internalize it. Sometimes they haven't even
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  Speaker 1: heard themselves say what their motivation is. Even if you
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  Speaker 1: have a younger kid, say you have a six year
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  Speaker 1: old who loves to draw, and they come up to
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  Speaker 1: them to say, daddy, daddy, or mommy, mommy, do you
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  Speaker 1: like my drawing? It's so easy for us to quickly
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  Speaker 1: revert to, oh my gosh, honey, I love your drawing,
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  Speaker 1: Oh my god, it's so beautiful. Instead, what you can
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  Speaker 1: learn to do starting when they're very young is to
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  Speaker 1: say what do you like about your drawing, and then
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  Speaker 1: zip your mouth closed and just listen, because they will
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  Speaker 1: tell you why they love their artwork, and it's what
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  Speaker 1: they'll probably say is a lot different than what you
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  Speaker 1: would have said, because what you would have probably answered was, oh,
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  Speaker 1: I love that you stay within the lines better, or
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  Speaker 1: you're learning how to do that really well. And your
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  Speaker 1: six year old will probably say something to the effect of,
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  Speaker 1: I like it because I used all the colors, and look,
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  Speaker 1: I made her hair purple and I made her smile orange.
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  Speaker 1: And she will tell you why she loves art, and
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  Speaker 1: then you listen, you mirrore it back, and she internalizes
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  Speaker 1: why she loves art. She internaliznes her intrinsic motivation. My
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  Speaker 1: belief is that learning is intensely exciting. It is an
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  Speaker 1: intensely enjoyable activity in and of itself. Learning is its
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  Speaker 1: own reward in the sense, especially if you're allowed to
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  Speaker 1: do it for your reasons. Not doing it for their
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  Speaker 1: reasons is one of the most common reasons I find
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  Speaker 1: for kids lacking motivation in school or anything. I used
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  Speaker 1: to a long time ago teach a master's level class
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  Speaker 1: for teachers at a local university, and I always every
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  Speaker 1: every semester, I would bring in some of my campers
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  Speaker 1: who were outspoken, so the teachers could ask some questions
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  Speaker 1: that they normally wouldn't get a chance to answer or
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  Speaker 1: excuse me, ask their students. And they were talking about
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  Speaker 1: grades and motivation stuff. And one of the girls told
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  Speaker 1: them that she was a straight A student, and she
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  Speaker 1: says she hated school. I'll never forget the looks on
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  Speaker 1: the teachers faces, like, why do you hate school? You're
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  Speaker 1: a straight A student. And she wanted to tell them
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  Speaker 1: that she hated school because it was just a game.
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  Speaker 1: She said, all I do is give the teacher is
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  Speaker 1: what they want. I jump through all these hoops that
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  Speaker 1: are set out for me. I take the right classes
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  Speaker 1: that will look good at my college transcripts. And she
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  Speaker 1: said to them, I've lost my love of learning. She
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  Speaker 1: actually used those words. And that's one of the reasons
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  Speaker 1: why some of your daughters may not be motivated in school,
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  Speaker 1: because they've lost their love of learning. Because it's a game.
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  Speaker 1: It is a game, and it's starting earlier and earlier.
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  Speaker 1: I have grade school students already pressured about having the
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  Speaker 1: right classes in middle school so they can get the
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  Speaker 1: right classes in high school so they can pad their resumes.
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  Speaker 1: It looks good in their college transcript blah blah blah
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  Speaker 1: blah blah, and they're not doing it for the love
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  Speaker 1: of learning. We distract them from that with all these
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  Speaker 1: externals like college scholarships and a's rewards being paid for grades,
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  Speaker 1: all those things, All those externals will distract your daughters
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  Speaker 1: from their intrinsic motivation. I remember one time my wife
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  Speaker 1: and I gave a talk in California. It was an
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  Speaker 1: event at Stanford University, and one of the dads came
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  Speaker 1: up to us. We were talking about motivation and the talk,
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  Speaker 1: and one of the dads came up to us afterwards.
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  Speaker 1: He said, I've got a story for it. He said.
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  Speaker 1: He said he took his sixteen year old son to
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  Speaker 1: an event at Stanford a couple months previous, and he said,
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  Speaker 1: my son was so to day in school, he wouldn't
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  Speaker 1: do it or power struggles. He was doing terrible. He's
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  Speaker 1: a really bright kid. But he decided to take him
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  Speaker 1: to this talk by a twelve twenty four year old
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  Speaker 1: alumni from Stanford, and this twenty four year old started
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  Speaker 1: talking about how he used his education in school to
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  Speaker 1: make his first million dollars by the age of twenty one.
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  Speaker 1: And this guy's son's sixteen year old son's ears perked up,
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  Speaker 1: and in that moment he decided that he wanted to
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  Speaker 1: go to college there at Stanford and do what that
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  Speaker 1: guy did, And he immediately shifted from being a sixteen
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  Speaker 1: year old BC occasional d student to all a's because
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  Speaker 1: he chose it for his reasons. That's an important step
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  Speaker 1: for each and every one of you. Help your kids
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  Speaker 1: find their reasons for going to school. If they want
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  Speaker 1: to do well, were there their reasons. They may have
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  Speaker 1: to hope those over some time, but have conversations along
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  Speaker 1: the way. The other thing you can do, kind of
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  Speaker 1: like that the dad of the sixteen year old, is
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  Speaker 1: maybe connect your kids. Connect your daughter with any adults
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  Speaker 1: that you know who are doing interesting jobs or maybe
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  Speaker 1: have a career that their daughter might have an interest in.
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  Speaker 1: Let them shadow that person at their job, because that's
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  Speaker 1: oftentimes what can light a fire under a kid who
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  Speaker 1: all of a sudden moansts to become an ul ultrascenographer,
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  Speaker 1: or they might want to become a dentist, or they
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  Speaker 1: might want to become a clothes buyer for a clothing
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  Speaker 1: store because they walk around all day and they have
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  Speaker 1: a chance to talk to someone who's out in the
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  Speaker 1: real world doing a real job, and they get excited
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  Speaker 1: by that, and that becomes their motivation. I want that,
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  Speaker 1: And the e thing is the most important part of
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  Speaker 1: that sentence, I want it. It's not you making me.
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  Speaker 1: It's not because I should, It's because I want to. So,
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  Speaker 1: if you've ever wondered, you know, why is my daughter
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  Speaker 1: not motivating in school? How can I motivate my daughter
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  Speaker 1: in school again? Start asking a better question, which is
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  Speaker 1: how can I support my daughter in finding their own
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  Speaker 1: internal intrinsic motivation so they're doing it for their reasons.
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  Speaker 1: How can I help my daughter to find things that
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  Speaker 1: they like to do? So if they choose it themselves,
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  Speaker 1: they pour themselves into it, They become fully engaged, They
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  Speaker 1: go into those flow moments which are so fulfilling, and
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  Speaker 1: that's what we'll keep them doing that thing. You can
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  Speaker 1: do that starting when they're young. Keep asking questions all
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  Speaker 1: along the way, why they want to do what they're doing,
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  Speaker 1: What kind of grades do they want? Why do they
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  Speaker 1: want to be on the swim team? Why they love
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  Speaker 1: to do art, because if they can start connecting with
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  Speaker 1: their reasons for liking what they do, that's the motivation
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  Speaker 1: that they're going to want to cling on to. That's
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  Speaker 1: their own internal intrinsic motivation, and that will see them
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  Speaker 1: through all kinds of obstacles in their life. So ask
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  Speaker 1: a different question and help them find their own motivation,
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  Speaker 1: just like Mia Ham did and that sixteen year old
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  Speaker 1: boy at Stanford. I hope this helps because I know
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  Speaker 1: a lot of parents get frustrated with their kids not
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  Speaker 1: being motivated and the things that they feel like they
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  Speaker 1: should be motivated in school obviously is one of them.
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  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for tuning into these podcasts, and
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  Speaker 1: also go to my website at www dot Dr tim
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  Speaker 1: Jordan dot com, where you will find a list of
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  Speaker 1: all my old podcasts. I've got three hundred and sixty
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: or three hundred and seventy something podcasts. Now you'll find
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  Speaker 1: some good ones. I'll locate a good one to do
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  Speaker 1: a schoolwork and motivation and put that in my show notes.
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  Speaker 1: Please pass us on these podcasts to your friends, especially
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  Speaker 1: someone who has a daughter who might be in grade school,
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  Speaker 1: middle school, high school, college who may be lacking in
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  Speaker 1: motivation and I appreciate that always. I'll be back here
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  Speaker 1: with a brand new podcast in a week. By the way,
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  Speaker 1: I'm gonna start adding some extra podcasts and lit bonus
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  Speaker 1: ones in between these weekly ones, and just because I
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  Speaker 1: hold this of topics I want to talk about, and
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  Speaker 1: so I'm just gonna add some new ones. So I
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  Speaker 1: appreciate you listening to these, I appreciate you passing them on,
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  Speaker 1: and as always, thank you so much. I'll be back
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  Speaker 1: in a week with a brand new podcast. Thanks so
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  Speaker 1: much for stopping by.