Latest / That Old Trope with Nathaniel Kressen / Paper Bullets of the Brain

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Paper Bullets of the Brain · That Old Trope with Nathaniel Kressen

• 1:11
  Foreign.
• 1:29
  Welcome
• 1:30
  back
• 1:30
  to
• 1:30
  another
• 1:30
  episode
• 1:31
  of
• 1:31
  that
• 1:31
  Old
• 1:32
  Trope
• 1:32
  with
• 1:32
  Nathaniel
• 1:33
  Crescent.
• 1:34
  I
• 1:34
  am
• 1:35
  your
• 1:35
  Nathaniel.
• 1:37
  So
• 1:39
  I
• 1:39
  am
• 1:39
  recording
• 1:40
  this
• 1:41
  on
• 1:41
  the
• 1:41
  same
• 1:41
  day
• 1:41
  as
• 1:42
  I
• 1:42
  recorded
• 1:42
  the
• 1:42
  previous
• 1:43
  episode,
• 1:44
  which
• 1:44
  focused
• 1:44
  on
• 1:45
  the
• 1:46
  house
• 1:46
  that
• 1:46
  Nathaniel
• 1:46
  built.
• 1:48
  And
• 1:50
  I
• 1:50
  had
• 1:50
  a
• 1:50
  full
• 1:51
  day.
• 1:51
  I
• 1:52
  did
• 1:52
  end
• 1:52
  up
• 1:52
  editing.
• 1:53
  I
• 1:53
  did
• 1:53
  end
• 1:53
  up
• 1:54
  covering
• 1:54
  my
• 1:54
  obligations.
• 1:54
  Feel
• 1:55
  great
• 1:55
  about
• 1:55
  that.
• 1:58
  A
• 1:58
  great
• 1:58
  long
• 1:58
  talk,
• 2:00
  a
• 2:01
  special
• 2:01
  person
• 2:01
  in
• 2:01
  my
• 2:02
  life.
• 2:03
  And
• 2:06
  the
• 2:06
  dishes
• 2:06
  are
• 2:06
  done.
• 2:07
  If
• 2:08
  you
• 2:08
  heard
• 2:08
  that
• 2:08
  in
• 2:08
  the
• 2:08
  background,
• 2:09
  the
• 2:09
  original
• 2:09
  Jacknoid
• 2:10
  Parallel
• 2:10
  up
• 2:10
  video.
• 2:11
  My
• 2:12
  oven
• 2:12
  went
• 2:12
  off
• 2:12
  as
• 2:12
  soon
• 2:13
  as
• 2:13
  I
• 2:13
  started
• 2:13
  recording.
• 2:14
  So
• 2:14
  it
• 2:14
  was
• 2:14
  like,
• 2:15
  welcome
• 2:15
  to
• 2:15
  Jacksonoid
• 2:16
  Jacknoid
• 2:16
  Parallel.
• 2:17
  My
• 2:17
  potatoes
• 2:17
  ready
• 2:19
  and
• 2:23
  Serendipity
• 2:24
  Whimsy.
• 2:25
  They
• 2:25
  are
• 2:25
  our
• 2:26
  friends.
• 2:27
  There
• 2:27
  we
• 2:27
  go.
• 2:28
  Dishes
• 2:28
  are
• 2:28
  good.
• 2:31
  So
• 2:34
  I've
• 2:35
  been
• 2:35
  walking
• 2:35
  around
• 2:35
  with
• 2:36
  my
• 2:36
  cocker
• 2:36
  spaniel,
• 2:37
  recording
• 2:38
  or
• 2:38
  not
• 2:38
  recording,
• 2:39
  reciting
• 2:40
  some
• 2:40
  Shakespeare
• 2:41
  for
• 2:41
  the
• 2:41
  fun
• 2:41
  of
• 2:41
  it,
• 2:42
  some
• 2:42
  Hamlet,
• 2:42
  To
• 2:43
  Be
• 2:43
  or
• 2:43
  Not
• 2:43
  to
• 2:43
  Be.
• 2:45
  And
• 2:46
  Benedict
• 2:47
  from
• 2:47
  Much
• 2:48
  Ado,
• 2:49
  which
• 2:50
  took
• 2:50
  on
• 2:51
  new
• 2:51
  resonance
• 2:51
  in
• 2:52
  an
• 2:52
  interesting
• 2:52
  way.
• 2:54
  Maybe
• 2:54
  I'll
• 2:54
  do
• 2:54
  it
• 2:54
  right
• 2:55
  here,
• 2:55
  because
• 2:55
  why
• 2:55
  not
• 2:59
  something
• 2:59
  else
• 2:59
  I
• 2:59
  want
• 2:59
  to
• 2:59
  get
• 2:59
  to
• 3:00
  too.
• 3:02
  This
• 3:05
  can
• 3:07
  be
• 3:08
  no
• 3:08
  trick.
• 3:10
  The
• 3:11
  conference
• 3:11
  was
• 3:11
  sadly
• 3:11
  born.
• 3:14
  They
• 3:14
  have
• 3:14
  the
• 3:15
  truth
• 3:15
  of
• 3:15
  this
• 3:16
  from
• 3:16
  Hero.
• 3:18
  They
• 3:18
  seem
• 3:19
  to
• 3:19
  pity
• 3:19
  the
• 3:19
  lady.
• 3:19
  It
• 3:19
  seems
• 3:20
  her
• 3:20
  affections
• 3:20
  have
• 3:21
  their
• 3:21
  full
• 3:21
  bent.
• 3:25
  Love
• 3:25
  me?
• 3:28
  Why,
• 3:32
  it
• 3:33
  must
• 3:33
  be
• 3:33
  requited.
• 3:36
  I
• 3:36
  hear
• 3:37
  how
• 3:37
  I
• 3:37
  am
• 3:37
  censured.
• 3:39
  They
• 3:39
  say
• 3:39
  that
• 3:39
  I
• 3:39
  will
• 3:40
  bear
• 3:40
  myself
• 3:41
  proudly
• 3:42
  if
• 3:42
  I
• 3:42
  perceive
• 3:43
  the
• 3:43
  love
• 3:45
  come
• 3:46
  from
• 3:46
  her.
• 3:53
  They
• 3:53
  say,
• 3:54
  too,
• 3:54
  that
• 3:54
  she
• 3:55
  would
• 3:55
  rather
• 3:55
  die
• 3:55
  than
• 3:56
  give
• 3:56
  any
• 3:56
  sign
• 3:56
  of
• 3:56
  affection.
• 4:00
  I
• 4:01
  did
• 4:01
  never
• 4:01
  think
• 4:02
  to
• 4:02
  marry.
• 4:04
  I
• 4:05
  must
• 4:05
  not
• 4:05
  seem
• 4:05
  proud.
• 4:06
  Happy
• 4:07
  are
• 4:07
  they
• 4:08
  that
• 4:08
  hear
• 4:08
  their
• 4:09
  detractions
• 4:10
  and
• 4:10
  can
• 4:11
  put
• 4:11
  them
• 4:12
  into
• 4:13
  mending.
• 4:18
  They
• 4:18
  say
• 4:18
  the
• 4:18
  lady
• 4:18
  is
• 4:18
  fair.
• 4:22
  Tis
• 4:22
  the
• 4:22
  truth.
• 4:26
  I
• 4:26
  can
• 4:26
  bear
• 4:26
  them
• 4:26
  witness.
• 4:29
  And
• 4:30
  virtuous,
• 4:34
  so
• 4:35
  I
• 4:35
  cannot
• 4:35
  reprove
• 4:36
  it.
• 4:39
  And
• 4:40
  wise,
• 4:41
  but
• 4:43
  for
• 4:43
  loving
• 4:44
  me.
• 4:47
  By
• 4:48
  my
• 4:48
  troth,
• 4:48
  it
• 4:48
  is
• 4:49
  no
• 4:49
  addition
• 4:49
  to
• 4:49
  her
• 4:50
  wit,
• 4:51
  nor.
• 4:54
  Nor
• 4:57
  no
• 4:57
  great
• 4:58
  argument
• 4:58
  of
• 4:58
  her
• 4:58
  folly.
• 5:02
  For
• 5:02
  I
• 5:02
  will
• 5:03
  be
• 5:03
  horribly
• 5:03
  in
• 5:03
  love
• 5:04
  with
• 5:04
  her.
• 5:09
  I
• 5:09
  may
• 5:09
  chance
• 5:09
  have
• 5:10
  some
• 5:12
  odd
• 5:13
  quirks
• 5:15
  and
• 5:15
  remnants
• 5:16
  of
• 5:16
  wit
• 5:16
  broken
• 5:17
  in
• 5:17
  me,
• 5:19
  since
• 5:22
  I
• 5:22
  have
• 5:22
  railed
• 5:23
  so
• 5:23
  long
• 5:23
  against
• 5:24
  marriage.
• 5:26
  But
• 5:28
  doth
• 5:28
  not
• 5:29
  the
• 5:29
  appetite
• 5:29
  alter?
• 5:32
  A
• 5:32
  man
• 5:34
  loves
• 5:36
  the
• 5:36
  meat
• 5:37
  in
• 5:37
  his
• 5:37
  youth
• 5:38
  which
• 5:40
  he
• 5:40
  cannot
• 5:41
  endure
• 5:42
  in
• 5:42
  his
• 5:42
  age.
• 5:44
  So
• 5:45
  shall
• 5:45
  these
• 5:47
  quips
• 5:48
  and
• 5:50
  paper
• 5:51
  bullets
• 5:53
  of
• 5:53
  the
• 5:54
  brain
• 5:55
  awe
• 5:56
  a
• 5:56
  man
• 5:57
  from
• 5:57
  the
• 5:57
  career
• 5:58
  of
• 5:58
  his
• 5:58
  humor.
• 6:00
  Oh,
• 6:00
  no.
• 6:04
  The
• 6:04
  world
• 6:05
  must
• 6:05
  be
• 6:05
  peopled.
• 6:10
  When
• 6:10
  I
• 6:10
  said
• 6:12
  I
• 6:12
  would
• 6:13
  die
• 6:14
  a
• 6:15
  bachelor,
• 6:18
  I
• 6:18
  did
• 6:19
  not
• 6:19
  think
• 6:19
  I
• 6:19
  should
• 6:20
  live
• 6:20
  till
• 6:20
  I
• 6:20
  were
• 6:20
  married.
• 6:25
  That
• 6:25
  is
• 6:25
  the
• 6:25
  monologue
• 6:26
  that
• 6:26
  got
• 6:26
  me
• 6:26
  into
• 6:26
  the
• 6:26
  Royal
• 6:27
  Academy
• 6:27
  of
• 6:27
  Dramatic
• 6:27
  Arts
• 6:28
  way
• 6:28
  back
• 6:28
  in
• 6:28
  the
• 6:28
  day
• 6:30
  as
• 6:31
  a
• 6:31
  study
• 6:31
  abroad
• 6:32
  student
• 6:32
  at
• 6:32
  nyu.
• 6:35
  I
• 6:35
  do
• 6:35
  believe
• 6:35
  I
• 6:36
  jumped
• 6:36
  over
• 6:37
  a
• 6:37
  couch
• 6:38
  a
• 6:38
  few
• 6:38
  times,
• 6:38
  back
• 6:39
  and
• 6:39
  forth.
• 6:40
  The
• 6:40
  final
• 6:41
  time
• 6:41
  they
• 6:41
  had
• 6:41
  me
• 6:41
  do
• 6:41
  it
• 6:41
  again.
• 6:42
  I
• 6:42
  think
• 6:42
  I
• 6:42
  hopped
• 6:43
  back
• 6:43
  over
• 6:43
  when
• 6:43
  I
• 6:43
  was
• 6:44
  done.
• 6:46
  It
• 6:46
  was
• 6:46
  a
• 6:46
  beautiful
• 6:47
  time,
• 6:47
  a
• 6:47
  life
• 6:47
  changing
• 6:48
  time.
• 6:48
  Living
• 6:48
  in
• 6:48
  London
• 6:51
  had
• 6:52
  my
• 6:52
  first
• 6:52
  huge
• 6:53
  heartbreak.
• 6:56
  Some
• 6:56
  stupid
• 6:56
  behavior,
• 6:57
  some
• 6:57
  fun
• 6:58
  times.
• 7:01
  My
• 7:01
  dad
• 7:01
  passed
• 7:02
  away
• 7:02
  while
• 7:02
  I
• 7:02
  was
• 7:02
  over
• 7:02
  there.
• 7:04
  That
• 7:04
  upset
• 7:05
  things.
• 7:07
  I
• 7:07
  went
• 7:08
  in
• 7:09
  with
• 7:12
  some
• 7:12
  pretty
• 7:13
  good
• 7:13
  hubris
• 7:14
  and
• 7:14
  moxy
• 7:14
  going
• 7:15
  on.
• 7:18
  And
• 7:20
  I
• 7:21
  was
• 7:21
  one
• 7:21
  of
• 7:21
  the
• 7:22
  few
• 7:22
  Americans
• 7:23
  that
• 7:24
  didn't
• 7:24
  sit
• 7:24
  with
• 7:25
  other
• 7:25
  Americans
• 7:26
  at
• 7:27
  the
• 7:27
  lunch
• 7:28
  table.
• 7:28
  There
• 7:28
  were
• 7:29
  Institute
• 7:29
  students
• 7:29
  there,
• 7:30
  international
• 7:31
  people
• 7:31
  from
• 7:31
  all
• 7:31
  over,
• 7:31
  and
• 7:32
  I
• 7:32
  sat
• 7:32
  with
• 7:32
  them.
• 7:32
  I'm
• 7:32
  like,
• 7:32
  I
• 7:33
  didn't
• 7:33
  come
• 7:33
  this
• 7:33
  far
• 7:33
  to
• 7:34
  hang
• 7:34
  out
• 7:34
  with
• 7:34
  other
• 7:34
  Americans.
• 7:39
  Then
• 7:40
  my
• 7:40
  dad
• 7:41
  passed
• 7:41
  away
• 7:42
  from
• 7:42
  Lou
• 7:42
  Gehrig's.
• 7:44
  It
• 7:44
  was
• 7:45
  expected,
• 7:45
  but
• 7:46
  you
• 7:46
  know,
• 7:47
  nobody
• 7:48
  expects
• 7:50
  to
• 7:50
  be
• 7:50
  in
• 7:50
  another
• 7:51
  country
• 7:51
  when
• 7:51
  it
• 7:51
  happens
• 7:52
  and
• 7:54
  hear
• 7:54
  from
• 7:54
  your
• 7:55
  program
• 7:55
  administrator
• 7:56
  and
• 7:56
  fly
• 7:56
  back
• 7:56
  and
• 7:58
  give
• 7:58
  the
• 7:58
  eulogy
• 7:59
  and
• 8:00
  see
• 8:01
  your
• 8:01
  half
• 8:01
  siblings
• 8:01
  quickly
• 8:02
  and
• 8:02
  then
• 8:03
  fly
• 8:04
  quickly,
• 8:04
  stopping
• 8:05
  back
• 8:05
  through
• 8:05
  New
• 8:05
  York
• 8:06
  to
• 8:06
  see
• 8:06
  your
• 8:08
  ostensibly
• 8:09
  broken
• 8:10
  up
• 8:10
  girlfriend
• 8:10
  from
• 8:10
  the
• 8:10
  States
• 8:11
  who
• 8:11
  takes
• 8:12
  you
• 8:12
  in
• 8:12
  and
• 8:12
  gives
• 8:12
  you
• 8:13
  kindness,
• 8:14
  then
• 8:15
  fly
• 8:15
  right
• 8:15
  back
• 8:15
  out.
• 8:23
  And
• 8:24
  then
• 8:24
  just
• 8:24
  have
• 8:24
  wings
• 8:25
  clipped
• 8:27
  and
• 8:28
  just
• 8:28
  sat
• 8:28
  with
• 8:28
  the
• 8:28
  Americans.
• 8:29
  After
• 8:29
  that
• 8:30
  I
• 8:30
  had
• 8:30
  nothing
• 8:30
  in
• 8:30
  me.
• 8:34
  I
• 8:34
  was
• 8:34
  originally
• 8:34
  thinking
• 8:35
  about
• 8:35
  going
• 8:35
  to
• 8:35
  Sicily
• 8:37
  for
• 8:37
  a
• 8:37
  second
• 8:37
  straight
• 8:38
  semester
• 8:38
  abroad.
• 8:39
  Instead
• 8:40
  I
• 8:40
  came
• 8:40
  home
• 8:42
  and
• 8:42
  I
• 8:42
  wrote
• 8:43
  about
• 8:43
  the
• 8:43
  heartbreak
• 8:43
  from
• 8:44
  that
• 8:46
  old
• 8:46
  girlfriend
• 8:46
  in
• 8:46
  the
• 8:47
  States.
• 8:48
  Got
• 8:48
  back
• 8:49
  together
• 8:49
  and
• 8:49
  then
• 8:49
  long
• 8:50
  distance
• 8:50
  was
• 8:50
  not
• 8:50
  kind
• 8:51
  to
• 8:51
  that
• 8:51
  and
• 8:51
  on
• 8:52
  either
• 8:52
  side
• 8:53
  broke
• 8:53
  each
• 8:53
  other's
• 8:54
  heart.
• 8:55
  And
• 8:56
  I
• 8:56
  wrote
• 8:56
  a
• 8:56
  play
• 8:56
  about
• 8:57
  it,
• 8:57
  my
• 8:57
  first
• 8:57
  ever
• 8:57
  play,
• 8:58
  and
• 9:00
  submitted
• 9:00
  it
• 9:00
  for
• 9:01
  a
• 9:02
  opportunity
• 9:02
  for
• 9:03
  a
• 9:05
  student
• 9:06
  production
• 9:07
  at
• 9:07
  nyu.
• 9:09
  There
• 9:09
  were
• 9:09
  four
• 9:09
  slots
• 9:10
  and
• 9:10
  luckily
• 9:10
  there
• 9:10
  were
• 9:10
  four
• 9:11
  applicants
• 9:11
  that
• 9:11
  semester.
• 9:12
  So
• 9:12
  universe
• 9:13
  was
• 9:13
  looking
• 9:13
  out
• 9:13
  for
• 9:13
  me
• 9:13
  and
• 9:14
  I
• 9:14
  got
• 9:14
  to
• 9:14
  write
• 9:14
  and
• 9:14
  direct
• 9:14
  my
• 9:15
  first
• 9:15
  show.
• 9:17
  About
• 9:17
  the
• 9:18
  time
• 9:18
  that
• 9:18
  was
• 9:20
  so
• 9:22
  destabilizing.
• 9:25
  Listen
• 9:25
  to
• 9:26
  those
• 9:26
  beautiful
• 9:26
  rafters.
• 9:28
  We
• 9:28
  love
• 9:29
  New
• 9:29
  York.
• 9:33
  The
• 9:33
  great
• 9:33
  thing
• 9:33
  is
• 9:34
  that
• 9:34
  nobody,
• 9:36
  nobody
• 9:36
  in
• 9:36
  this
• 9:36
  building
• 9:37
  can
• 9:37
  hear
• 9:37
  any
• 9:37
  sex
• 9:38
  noises
• 9:38
  from
• 9:38
  my
• 9:39
  apartment.
• 9:39
  And
• 9:40
  I
• 9:40
  cannot
• 9:40
  hear
• 9:41
  any
• 9:41
  sex
• 9:42
  noises
• 9:42
  from
• 9:42
  any
• 9:42
  of
• 9:42
  theirs.
• 9:44
  That's
• 9:44
  the
• 9:44
  good
• 9:44
  thing.
• 9:45
  That's
• 9:46
  the
• 9:46
  good
• 9:46
  thing.
• 9:47
  Footsteps?
• 9:48
  Sure.
• 9:49
  A
• 9:49
  cough.
• 9:50
  Yeah,
• 9:51
  definitely
• 9:52
  not
• 9:52
  sex
• 9:52
  noises.
• 9:54
  Never.
• 10:02
  So
• 10:03
  back
• 10:03
  to
• 10:04
  trauma.
• 10:07
  An
• 10:07
  incredibly
• 10:08
  dislodging
• 10:09
  time
• 10:09
  ended
• 10:10
  up
• 10:10
  putting
• 10:10
  me
• 10:10
  on
• 10:10
  a
• 10:10
  new
• 10:11
  path.
• 10:11
  And
• 10:11
  that
• 10:11
  play
• 10:12
  became
• 10:14
  my
• 10:14
  springboard
• 10:15
  to
• 10:15
  start
• 10:15
  producing
• 10:16
  theater.
• 10:16
  And
• 10:16
  I
• 10:16
  started
• 10:16
  a
• 10:16
  theater
• 10:17
  company
• 10:17
  right
• 10:17
  out
• 10:17
  of
• 10:17
  NYU
• 10:20
  and
• 10:20
  did
• 10:21
  it
• 10:21
  with
• 10:21
  some
• 10:21
  of
• 10:21
  my
• 10:21
  best
• 10:21
  friends
• 10:22
  in
• 10:22
  the
• 10:22
  world.
• 10:24
  Figured
• 10:24
  out
• 10:25
  how
• 10:25
  much
• 10:25
  I
• 10:25
  liked
• 10:26
  writing
• 10:26
  through
• 10:26
  a
• 10:26
  writing
• 10:27
  lab
• 10:27
  that
• 10:27
  we
• 10:27
  started
• 10:27
  and
• 10:28
  carry
• 10:28
  that
• 10:28
  forward
• 10:29
  into
• 10:30
  me
• 10:30
  running
• 10:31
  a
• 10:31
  writers
• 10:31
  group
• 10:31
  for
• 10:31
  just
• 10:31
  under
• 10:32
  10
• 10:32
  years.
• 10:32
  The
• 10:32
  Greenpoint
• 10:33
  Writers
• 10:33
  Group
• 10:33
  in
• 10:34
  Brooklyn.
• 10:36
  Released
• 10:36
  my
• 10:36
  first
• 10:37
  novels
• 10:37
  through
• 10:37
  there
• 10:38
  through
• 10:39
  workshopping
• 10:39
  with
• 10:40
  great
• 10:40
  friends
• 10:40
  that
• 10:40
  have
• 10:41
  now
• 10:41
  become
• 10:41
  my
• 10:41
  current
• 10:41
  writers
• 10:42
  group
• 10:42
  too.
• 10:44
  Some
• 10:44
  legacy
• 10:44
  folks
• 10:44
  from
• 10:45
  that
• 10:45
  and
• 10:45
  some
• 10:45
  new
• 10:46
  folks.
• 10:51
  And
• 10:51
  it's
• 10:51
  Just
• 10:52
  kind
• 10:53
  of
• 10:53
  zigzagged
• 10:53
  and
• 10:53
  snowballed.
• 10:57
  Incidentally,
• 10:57
  a
• 10:58
  conversation
• 10:58
  I
• 10:58
  had
• 10:59
  tonight
• 11:00
  was
• 11:02
  in
• 11:02
  part
• 11:02
  about
• 11:03
  adhd.
• 11:05
  And
• 11:05
  I
• 11:05
  realized
• 11:06
  that
• 11:06
  everybody
• 11:07
  who
• 11:07
  I
• 11:07
  deeply
• 11:08
  connect
• 11:08
  with
• 11:08
  and
• 11:08
  intuitively
• 11:09
  understand,
• 11:09
  all
• 11:10
  have
• 11:10
  ADHD
• 11:11
  diagnosed
• 11:11
  and
• 11:11
  they're
• 11:11
  all
• 11:12
  on
• 11:12
  medication,
• 11:12
  all
• 11:13
  swear
• 11:13
  by
• 11:13
  it.
• 11:15
  And
• 11:16
  I
• 11:16
  am
• 11:16
  resistant
• 11:17
  to
• 11:17
  anything.
• 11:19
  And
• 11:19
  some
• 11:20
  of
• 11:20
  the
• 11:20
  things
• 11:20
  that
• 11:20
  were
• 11:20
  just
• 11:21
  being
• 11:21
  said,
• 11:21
  like
• 11:22
  letting
• 11:23
  go
• 11:23
  once
• 11:24
  on
• 11:24
  medication
• 11:25
  of
• 11:25
  that
• 11:25
  feeling
• 11:26
  like
• 11:26
  it
• 11:27
  was
• 11:27
  possible
• 11:27
  to
• 11:27
  willpower
• 11:28
  one's
• 11:28
  way
• 11:29
  out
• 11:29
  of
• 11:29
  a
• 11:29
  state
• 11:30
  of
• 11:30
  being,
• 11:31
  that's
• 11:31
  exactly
• 11:31
  where
• 11:32
  I'm
• 11:32
  at.
• 11:32
  There's
• 11:33
  so
• 11:33
  much
• 11:33
  willpower
• 11:33
  I
• 11:33
  put
• 11:33
  into
• 11:34
  every
• 11:34
  fucking
• 11:34
  day.
• 11:37
  And
• 11:37
  whether
• 11:38
  it's
• 11:38
  me
• 11:38
  denying
• 11:39
  myself
• 11:40
  something
• 11:40
  that
• 11:41
  would
• 11:41
  be
• 11:41
  helpful
• 11:42
  or
• 11:42
  if
• 11:42
  there's
• 11:43
  something
• 11:44
  valid
• 11:44
  in
• 11:44
  my
• 11:44
  resistance
• 11:45
  to
• 11:45
  it,
• 11:46
  I'm
• 11:47
  not
• 11:47
  gonna
• 11:47
  do
• 11:47
  that.
• 11:47
  Just
• 11:48
  no.
• 11:50
  So
• 11:51
  all
• 11:51
  that
• 11:51
  to
• 11:51
  say
• 11:52
  ADHD
• 11:53
  or
• 11:53
  just
• 11:54
  me
• 11:54
  being
• 11:54
  me?
• 11:55
  I've
• 11:55
  zigzagged
• 11:55
  between
• 11:56
  a
• 11:56
  lot
• 11:56
  of
• 11:56
  different
• 11:56
  stuff
• 11:57
  and
• 11:57
  this
• 11:57
  is
• 11:57
  the
• 11:58
  first
• 11:58
  season
• 11:58
  where
• 11:58
  I'm
• 11:59
  kinda
• 12:00
  doing
• 12:00
  it
• 12:00
  all
• 12:01
  at
• 12:02
  once
• 12:03
  and
• 12:04
  allowing
• 12:05
  myself
• 12:05
  to
• 12:05
  ebb
• 12:05
  and
• 12:05
  flow,
• 12:07
  but
• 12:07
  not
• 12:07
  to
• 12:07
  an
• 12:07
  all
• 12:07
  or
• 12:08
  nothing
• 12:08
  extent.
• 12:09
  Just
• 12:09
  like
• 12:09
  everything
• 12:10
  just
• 12:12
  nidge,
• 12:12
  nudge,
• 12:13
  nidge,
• 12:13
  nudge,
• 12:15
  inch
• 12:15
  by
• 12:15
  inch,
• 12:17
  minute
• 12:17
  by
• 12:18
  minute.
• 12:19
  Feels
• 12:19
  really
• 12:20
  good.
• 12:20
  Things
• 12:20
  are
• 12:20
  starting
• 12:21
  to
• 12:21
  happen.
• 12:21
  I'm
• 12:21
  starting
• 12:21
  to
• 12:21
  get
• 12:22
  cast
• 12:22
  in
• 12:22
  things
• 12:22
  as
• 12:22
  an
• 12:23
  actor
• 12:25
  and
• 12:25
  I
• 12:25
  haven't
• 12:26
  even
• 12:26
  done
• 12:26
  the
• 12:26
  requisite
• 12:27
  work
• 12:27
  to
• 12:27
  like
• 12:27
  set
• 12:28
  up
• 12:28
  real
• 12:28
  and
• 12:29
  backstage
• 12:30
  profile
• 12:30
  and
• 12:31
  stuff.
• 12:31
  I'm
• 12:31
  hoping
• 12:32
  to
• 12:32
  soon.
• 12:34
  Definitely
• 12:34
  got
• 12:34
  voiceover.
• 12:35
  I
• 12:35
  can
• 12:35
  throw
• 12:35
  it
• 12:35
  together
• 12:36
  for
• 12:36
  a
• 12:36
  reel.
• 12:36
  I
• 12:37
  am
• 12:37
  the
• 12:37
  talky
• 12:37
  talky
• 12:38
  person
• 12:40
  and
• 12:40
  I've
• 12:40
  zigzagged
• 12:41
  and
• 12:41
  I've
• 12:41
  also
• 12:41
  thought
• 12:42
  about
• 12:42
  like,
• 12:42
  what
• 12:42
  are
• 12:42
  the
• 12:42
  assets
• 12:43
  that
• 12:43
  I
• 12:43
  have
• 12:43
  that
• 12:43
  can
• 12:43
  readily
• 12:44
  sell.
• 12:44
  I
• 12:45
  have
• 12:45
  four
• 12:45
  novels
• 12:46
  I've
• 12:46
  written
• 12:47
  that
• 12:47
  are
• 12:47
  already
• 12:48
  in
• 12:48
  book
• 12:48
  form.
• 12:49
  So
• 12:50
  at
• 12:50
  some
• 12:50
  point
• 12:50
  I
• 12:50
  should
• 12:50
  probably
• 12:51
  put
• 12:51
  them
• 12:51
  up
• 12:51
  on
• 12:51
  a
• 12:51
  website,
• 12:52
  like
• 12:53
  the
• 12:53
  Jack
• 12:53
  and
• 12:53
  website.
• 12:54
  Like
• 12:54
  maybe
• 12:55
  look
• 12:55
  at
• 12:55
  the,
• 12:56
  you
• 12:56
  know,
• 12:57
  look
• 12:57
  at
• 12:57
  the
• 12:57
  website
• 12:58
  right
• 12:58
  now.
• 12:58
  Maybe
• 12:59
  by
• 12:59
  the
• 12:59
  time
• 12:59
  this
• 12:59
  launches,
• 13:00
  maybe.
• 13:00
  I'm
• 13:00
  setting
• 13:01
  myself
• 13:01
  a
• 13:01
  deadline.
• 13:02
  Alright,
• 13:02
  I'm
• 13:02
  setting
• 13:03
  myself
• 13:03
  a
• 13:03
  deadline.
• 13:04
  The
• 13:04
  first
• 13:04
  one,
• 13:04
  Concrete
• 13:05
  Fever,
• 13:05
  I
• 13:05
  mentioned
• 13:06
  in
• 13:06
  the
• 13:06
  previous
• 13:06
  episode,
• 13:06
  that
• 13:07
  was
• 13:07
  a
• 13:07
  bestseller
• 13:07
  for
• 13:08
  Stranded
• 13:08
  bookstore
• 13:09
  in
• 13:09
  New
• 13:09
  York
• 13:09
  City
• 13:09
  for
• 13:10
  over
• 13:10
  three
• 13:10
  years,
• 13:11
  I
• 13:11
  heard.
• 13:11
  But
• 13:11
  I
• 13:11
  sold
• 13:12
  a
• 13:12
  lot
• 13:12
  of
• 13:12
  copies
• 13:12
  through
• 13:12
  there
• 13:14
  of
• 13:14
  that
• 13:14
  in
• 13:14
  the
• 13:14
  second
• 13:15
  book,
• 13:15
  which
• 13:15
  is
• 13:15
  Dahlia
• 13:16
  Cassandra,
• 13:16
  which
• 13:17
  I
• 13:17
  launched
• 13:17
  in
• 13:17
  their
• 13:17
  rare
• 13:18
  book
• 13:18
  room.
• 13:20
  And
• 13:21
  then
• 13:22
  I
• 13:22
  wrote
• 13:22
  one
• 13:22
  that
• 13:22
  was
• 13:23
  in
• 13:23
  serialization
• 13:23
  based
• 13:24
  around
• 13:24
  different
• 13:25
  liquors
• 13:26
  and
• 13:26
  spirits
• 13:27
  and
• 13:28
  whatever
• 13:28
  else
• 13:29
  by
• 13:29
  chapter
• 13:30
  for
• 13:31
  arts
• 13:31
  and
• 13:31
  style
• 13:31
  mag
• 13:32
  called
• 13:32
  At
• 13:32
  Large.
• 13:33
  And
• 13:33
  that
• 13:34
  book
• 13:34
  is
• 13:34
  called
• 13:34
  My
• 13:34
  Life
• 13:35
  on
• 13:35
  Rye.
• 13:36
  Basically
• 13:37
  it's
• 13:37
  about
• 13:37
  a
• 13:37
  marriage
• 13:38
  that's
• 13:38
  ended
• 13:38
  in
• 13:38
  the
• 13:39
  dude,
• 13:39
  you
• 13:39
  know,
• 13:40
  trying
• 13:40
  to
• 13:40
  find
• 13:40
  his
• 13:40
  footing
• 13:42
  with
• 13:42
  each
• 13:42
  chapter
• 13:43
  based
• 13:43
  around
• 13:43
  a
• 13:43
  different
• 13:43
  liquor
• 13:44
  or
• 13:44
  drink
• 13:44
  of
• 13:44
  some
• 13:44
  kind.
• 13:45
  And
• 13:45
  him
• 13:45
  navigating
• 13:46
  through
• 13:46
  his
• 13:47
  confusion
• 13:48
  and
• 13:48
  vices
• 13:48
  and,
• 13:50
  you
• 13:50
  know,
• 13:50
  foal
• 13:52
  walk,
• 13:52
  you
• 13:53
  know,
• 13:53
  like
• 13:53
  a
• 13:53
  young
• 13:53
  deer
• 13:55
  or
• 13:55
  a
• 13:56
  young
• 13:56
  horse.
• 13:57
  And
• 14:01
  so
• 14:01
  the
• 14:01
  way
• 14:01
  this
• 14:02
  came
• 14:02
  about
• 14:02
  is
• 14:02
  a
• 14:03
  friend
• 14:03
  of
• 14:03
  mine,
• 14:04
  Dallas
• 14:04
  Athend,
• 14:05
  shout
• 14:06
  out
• 14:06
  Dallas,
• 14:06
  friend
• 14:07
  of
• 14:07
  the
• 14:07
  pod,
• 14:08
  incredible
• 14:09
  writer,
• 14:09
  community
• 14:10
  organizer,
• 14:12
  always
• 14:12
  doing
• 14:13
  the
• 14:13
  most
• 14:13
  cool
• 14:13
  random
• 14:13
  shit.
• 14:14
  Lives
• 14:14
  in
• 14:14
  London.
• 14:15
  Now
• 14:15
  you'll
• 14:16
  hear
• 14:16
  her
• 14:16
  featured
• 14:18
  or
• 14:18
  at
• 14:18
  least
• 14:18
  spoken
• 14:19
  about,
• 14:19
  kindly
• 14:20
  and
• 14:20
  quoted
• 14:21
  on
• 14:21
  a
• 14:22
  podcast
• 14:22
  project
• 14:22
  that
• 14:23
  I
• 14:23
  have
• 14:23
  coming
• 14:23
  out
• 14:24
  with
• 14:24
  Jack
• 14:24
  Noid
• 14:25
  called
• 14:25
  A
• 14:25
  Peaceful
• 14:26
  Kind
• 14:26
  of
• 14:26
  Rebellion
• 14:27
  about
• 14:27
  my
• 14:27
  time
• 14:27
  in
• 14:28
  Macedonia.
• 14:28
  She's
• 14:28
  my
• 14:29
  contact
• 14:29
  who
• 14:29
  got
• 14:29
  me
• 14:30
  there
• 14:30
  and
• 14:31
  she
• 14:31
  also
• 14:31
  connected
• 14:32
  me
• 14:32
  to
• 14:32
  the
• 14:32
  editors
• 14:33
  of
• 14:33
  this
• 14:33
  art
• 14:33
  and
• 14:33
  style
• 14:34
  mag
• 14:34
  so
• 14:35
  I
• 14:35
  could
• 14:35
  pitch
• 14:35
  something.
• 14:35
  And
• 14:35
  I
• 14:36
  pitched
• 14:36
  why
• 14:36
  don't
• 14:36
  I
• 14:36
  write
• 14:37
  pieces
• 14:37
  around
• 14:37
  different
• 14:38
  liquors?
• 14:38
  And
• 14:39
  that
• 14:39
  evolved
• 14:39
  into
• 14:40
  an
• 14:40
  ongoing
• 14:40
  partnership
• 14:41
  for
• 14:41
  over
• 14:41
  a
• 14:41
  year
• 14:42
  where
• 14:42
  I
• 14:42
  just
• 14:42
  regularly
• 14:43
  gave
• 14:43
  him
• 14:43
  stuff
• 14:44
  to
• 14:44
  publish
• 14:45
  and
• 14:45
  had
• 14:45
  free
• 14:46
  reign
• 14:46
  over
• 14:46
  the
• 14:46
  story
• 14:46
  and
• 14:47
  the
• 14:48
  content
• 14:48
  and
• 14:48
  all
• 14:48
  that.
• 14:49
  It
• 14:49
  was
• 14:49
  really
• 14:49
  just
• 14:50
  dream.
• 14:52
  I
• 14:53
  wish
• 14:53
  it
• 14:53
  had
• 14:53
  led
• 14:53
  to
• 14:53
  more,
• 14:54
  but
• 14:54
  you
• 14:54
  know,
• 14:54
  like,
• 14:54
  I
• 14:55
  could
• 14:55
  have
• 14:55
  hustled
• 14:55
  more
• 14:55
  too.
• 14:57
  And
• 14:58
  anyway,
• 14:58
  I
• 14:59
  wanted
• 14:59
  to
• 14:59
  read
• 14:59
  a
• 14:59
  little
• 14:59
  bit
• 14:59
  of
• 14:59
  it
• 15:00
  because
• 15:01
  I
• 15:01
  like
• 15:01
  it.
• 15:02
  I
• 15:02
  haven't
• 15:02
  looked
• 15:02
  at
• 15:02
  it
• 15:02
  in
• 15:02
  a
• 15:02
  while,
• 15:03
  so
• 15:03
  I
• 15:03
  have
• 15:03
  not
• 15:03
  read
• 15:03
  this
• 15:03
  through
• 15:04
  before
• 15:04
  reading
• 15:04
  it
• 15:05
  now,
• 15:06
  but
• 15:06
  this
• 15:06
  is
• 15:06
  the
• 15:06
  piece
• 15:07
  that
• 15:07
  I
• 15:08
  used
• 15:09
  to
• 15:09
  seal
• 15:09
  the
• 15:10
  pitch
• 15:10
  and
• 15:10
  get
• 15:10
  the
• 15:10
  whole
• 15:11
  project
• 15:11
  started
• 15:12
  called.
• 15:13
  Well,
• 15:13
  the
• 15:13
  whole
• 15:14
  book
• 15:14
  is
• 15:14
  called
• 15:14
  My
• 15:14
  Life
• 15:15
  on
• 15:15
  Rye
• 15:16
  and
• 15:16
  this
• 15:16
  is
• 15:16
  the
• 15:16
  first
• 15:17
  chapter
• 15:17
  called
• 15:17
  Basil
• 15:18
  Hayden's.
• 15:21
  I
• 15:22
  swore
• 15:23
  I
• 15:24
  would
• 15:24
  never
• 15:24
  be
• 15:25
  a
• 15:25
  man
• 15:26
  who
• 15:26
  looks
• 15:26
  for
• 15:27
  meaning
• 15:28
  in
• 15:28
  a
• 15:29
  bottle.
• 15:32
  If
• 15:32
  marriage
• 15:33
  means
• 15:34
  compromise,
• 15:36
  if
• 15:37
  marriage
• 15:39
  means
• 15:40
  buying
• 15:40
  a
• 15:40
  bourbon
• 15:42
  that
• 15:42
  drinks
• 15:42
  like
• 15:42
  vanilla
• 15:43
  water
• 15:43
  because
• 15:43
  that's
• 15:44
  what
• 15:44
  your
• 15:44
  wife
• 15:44
  prefers,
• 15:45
  despite
• 15:46
  the
• 15:46
  fact
• 15:46
  that
• 15:47
  more
• 15:47
  often
• 15:48
  than
• 15:48
  not
• 15:49
  she
• 15:50
  prefers
• 15:50
  to
• 15:50
  drink
• 15:50
  vodka,
• 15:52
  leaving
• 15:52
  you
• 15:53
  with
• 15:53
  a
• 15:53
  glass
• 15:53
  of
• 15:53
  no
• 15:53
  relief
• 15:54
  after
• 15:54
  another
• 15:54
  white
• 15:55
  collar
• 15:55
  day
• 15:55
  of
• 15:56
  mindless
• 15:57
  obedience.
• 16:00
  If
• 16:01
  marriage
• 16:04
  means
• 16:05
  compromise,
• 16:08
  I
• 16:08
  wonder
• 16:09
  what
• 16:09
  separation
• 16:10
  means
• 16:12
  because
• 16:13
  the
• 16:14
  Basil
• 16:14
  Hayden's
• 16:15
  still
• 16:15
  there
• 16:15
  in
• 16:15
  the
• 16:15
  bar
• 16:16
  cabinet.
• 16:18
  She
• 16:18
  took
• 16:18
  all
• 16:18
  of
• 16:18
  the
• 16:19
  glassware
• 16:20
  and
• 16:21
  all
• 16:21
  of
• 16:21
  the
• 16:21
  utensils,
• 16:23
  yet
• 16:23
  chose
• 16:23
  to
• 16:24
  leave
• 16:24
  me
• 16:24
  the
• 16:25
  Compromise
• 16:26
  bourbon
• 16:28
  that
• 16:29
  a
• 16:29
  patchwork
• 16:30
  quilt
• 16:30
  of
• 16:30
  my
• 16:30
  mother's
• 16:31
  and
• 16:31
  the
• 16:31
  dog.
• 16:33
  I'd
• 16:34
  sooner
• 16:34
  be
• 16:35
  homeless
• 16:36
  than
• 16:36
  give
• 16:36
  up
• 16:36
  Spud.
• 16:39
  He's
• 16:39
  a
• 16:39
  mid
• 16:40
  sized
• 16:40
  rescue
• 16:40
  with
• 16:40
  a
• 16:41
  healthy
• 16:41
  dose
• 16:41
  of
• 16:41
  chow
• 16:42
  in
• 16:42
  him,
• 16:43
  meaning
• 16:44
  that
• 16:44
  his
• 16:44
  shaggy
• 16:46
  red
• 16:46
  blond
• 16:47
  fur
• 16:48
  gives
• 16:49
  him
• 16:49
  the
• 16:49
  appearance
• 16:49
  of
• 16:50
  a
• 16:50
  teddy
• 16:50
  bear.
• 16:53
  God
• 16:53
  help
• 16:53
  any
• 16:53
  child
• 16:54
  who
• 16:54
  takes
• 16:54
  this
• 16:55
  as
• 16:55
  an
• 16:55
  invitation
• 16:55
  to
• 16:56
  run
• 16:56
  forward,
• 16:57
  because
• 16:57
  Spud
• 16:59
  will
• 16:59
  interpret
• 17:00
  such
• 17:00
  affection
• 17:01
  as
• 17:02
  an
• 17:02
  outright
• 17:02
  attack.
• 17:05
  He
• 17:05
  will
• 17:05
  snarl.
• 17:06
  He
• 17:07
  will
• 17:07
  bark
• 17:08
  like
• 17:08
  a
• 17:08
  hound
• 17:09
  from
• 17:09
  hell.
• 17:10
  Years
• 17:11
  spent
• 17:12
  diligently
• 17:13
  reinforcing
• 17:14
  the
• 17:15
  better
• 17:15
  angels
• 17:16
  of
• 17:16
  his
• 17:17
  nature
• 17:18
  have
• 17:18
  only
• 17:18
  mitigated
• 17:19
  my
• 17:19
  beloved
• 17:20
  boy's
• 17:20
  temperament.
• 17:22
  With
• 17:22
  my
• 17:22
  wife
• 17:23
  and
• 17:23
  I.
• 17:24
  Spud
• 17:24
  is
• 17:24
  a
• 17:24
  sweetheart
• 17:26
  with
• 17:27
  anyone
• 17:28
  else,
• 17:29
  especially
• 17:30
  tall
• 17:30
  men
• 17:30
  with
• 17:31
  hats.
• 17:32
  He's
• 17:33
  an
• 17:33
  asshole.
• 17:36
  He
• 17:36
  has
• 17:37
  no
• 17:37
  idea
• 17:37
  what's
• 17:38
  happening.
• 17:40
  Curled
• 17:40
  up
• 17:40
  at
• 17:40
  my
• 17:41
  feet,
• 17:41
  he
• 17:41
  lifts
• 17:41
  his
• 17:42
  head
• 17:42
  and
• 17:42
  gruffs
• 17:42
  each
• 17:43
  time
• 17:43
  someone
• 17:43
  passes
• 17:44
  in
• 17:44
  the
• 17:44
  hallway.
• 17:46
  There
• 17:46
  used
• 17:46
  to
• 17:46
  be
• 17:46
  a
• 17:46
  carpet
• 17:47
  where
• 17:48
  he
• 17:48
  is.
• 17:51
  I
• 17:51
  drink
• 17:51
  from
• 17:51
  the
• 17:51
  bottle,
• 17:52
  continuing
• 17:53
  a
• 17:53
  tradition
• 17:54
  in
• 17:54
  my
• 17:54
  family.
• 17:56
  The
• 17:56
  bourbon
• 17:57
  so
• 17:57
  smooth
• 17:57
  it
• 17:58
  might
• 17:58
  as
• 17:58
  well
• 17:58
  be
• 17:58
  invisible.
• 17:59
  I
• 18:00
  need
• 18:00
  burn.
• 18:02
  I
• 18:02
  need
• 18:03
  fire.
• 18:06
  There
• 18:06
  is
• 18:06
  no
• 18:07
  fire
• 18:07
  in
• 18:07
  this
• 18:07
  bottle.
• 18:12
  I
• 18:12
  have
• 18:12
  undersold
• 18:13
  my
• 18:13
  wife's
• 18:14
  generosity.
• 18:16
  She
• 18:16
  gave
• 18:16
  me
• 18:16
  a
• 18:16
  great
• 18:17
  number
• 18:17
  of
• 18:18
  things.
• 18:19
  A
• 18:19
  cabinet
• 18:20
  full
• 18:20
  of
• 18:20
  spices,
• 18:22
  a
• 18:22
  fridge
• 18:24
  full
• 18:24
  of
• 18:24
  condiments.
• 18:26
  A
• 18:26
  closet
• 18:27
  full
• 18:27
  of
• 18:27
  clothes,
• 18:28
  all
• 18:28
  of
• 18:28
  which
• 18:29
  she
• 18:29
  picked
• 18:30
  out
• 18:30
  for
• 18:30
  me.
• 18:32
  She
• 18:32
  even
• 18:33
  left
• 18:33
  me
• 18:33
  alone,
• 18:33
  some
• 18:33
  sock
• 18:34
  of
• 18:34
  hers
• 18:34
  behind
• 18:35
  the
• 18:35
  laundry
• 18:35
  bin.
• 18:38
  In
• 18:38
  a
• 18:38
  matter
• 18:39
  of
• 18:39
  hours
• 18:40
  I
• 18:40
  have
• 18:40
  become
• 18:41
  a
• 18:41
  man
• 18:41
  who
• 18:41
  drinks
• 18:42
  from
• 18:42
  the
• 18:42
  bottle
• 18:43
  and
• 18:43
  sniffs
• 18:44
  used
• 18:44
  socks.
• 18:47
  It
• 18:47
  dawns
• 18:48
  on
• 18:48
  me
• 18:48
  that
• 18:49
  I
• 18:49
  have
• 18:49
  to
• 18:49
  feed
• 18:50
  myself.
• 18:52
  Pulling
• 18:52
  up
• 18:53
  the
• 18:53
  delivery
• 18:53
  site
• 18:54
  is
• 18:54
  instantly
• 18:55
  overwhelming.
• 18:56
  Throw
• 18:56
  a
• 18:56
  rock
• 18:57
  in
• 18:57
  our
• 18:57
  neighborhood
• 18:58
  and
• 18:58
  you'll
• 18:58
  hit
• 18:58
  six
• 18:59
  restaurants.
• 19:00
  A
• 19:00
  bulk
• 19:01
  of
• 19:01
  them
• 19:02
  are
• 19:02
  catering
• 19:02
  to
• 19:03
  the
• 19:03
  night's
• 19:03
  festivities
• 19:04
  with
• 19:04
  fixed
• 19:04
  price
• 19:05
  menus.
• 19:06
  Who
• 19:06
  in
• 19:07
  their
• 19:07
  right
• 19:08
  mind
• 19:08
  would
• 19:09
  ring
• 19:09
  in
• 19:09
  the
• 19:09
  new
• 19:10
  Year
• 19:10
  from
• 19:10
  home
• 19:11
  with
• 19:11
  a
• 19:11
  curated
• 19:12
  multi
• 19:13
  course
• 19:13
  meal
• 19:14
  costing
• 19:14
  what
• 19:14
  some
• 19:15
  people
• 19:15
  spend
• 19:15
  on
• 19:16
  rent?
• 19:17
  Happy
• 19:18
  couples,
• 19:19
  that's
• 19:19
  who.
• 19:20
  Well,
• 19:21
  salaried.
• 19:21
  Happy
• 19:22
  go
• 19:22
  lucky.
• 19:23
  Too
• 19:23
  old
• 19:24
  to
• 19:24
  bother
• 19:24
  with
• 19:25
  the
• 19:25
  crowds.
• 19:26
  Couples.
• 19:27
  In
• 19:28
  other
• 19:28
  words,
• 19:29
  us.
• 19:32
  Or
• 19:33
  so
• 19:33
  I
• 19:33
  thought.
• 19:36
  I
• 19:37
  need
• 19:37
  a
• 19:37
  place
• 19:38
  catering
• 19:38
  to
• 19:38
  sad
• 19:39
  saps
• 19:40
  looking
• 19:41
  to
• 19:41
  change
• 19:42
  their
• 19:42
  luck.
• 19:45
  Mediterranean,
• 19:48
  Thai,
• 19:50
  Korean,
• 19:52
  Mexican,
• 19:54
  burgers,
• 19:56
  Pizza.
• 19:59
  High
• 20:00
  end
• 20:00
  Chinese
• 20:01
  my
• 20:02
  wife
• 20:02
  ordered
• 20:02
  for
• 20:02
  us.
• 20:03
  I
• 20:04
  ate
• 20:04
  the
• 20:05
  stuff
• 20:05
  down
• 20:05
  and
• 20:06
  never
• 20:06
  asked
• 20:06
  questions.
• 20:08
  What
• 20:08
  do
• 20:08
  I
• 20:08
  even
• 20:08
  like?
• 20:10
  The
• 20:10
  idea
• 20:11
  strikes
• 20:11
  me.
• 20:12
  Past
• 20:13
  order
• 20:13
  history.
• 20:15
  And
• 20:17
  there
• 20:17
  it
• 20:18
  is.
• 20:19
  An
• 20:19
  order
• 20:20
  placed
• 20:20
  15
• 20:21
  minutes
• 20:21
  ago.
• 20:24
  I
• 20:25
  rise
• 20:26
  from
• 20:26
  the
• 20:26
  floor
• 20:27
  like
• 20:27
  it'll
• 20:28
  bite
• 20:28
  me,
• 20:29
  startling
• 20:30
  poor
• 20:30
  Spud.
• 20:32
  My
• 20:32
  leg
• 20:33
  has
• 20:33
  gone
• 20:33
  numb.
• 20:34
  I
• 20:34
  shake
• 20:34
  it.
• 20:35
  Tiny
• 20:35
  daggers
• 20:36
  work
• 20:36
  their
• 20:36
  way
• 20:36
  through
• 20:37
  my
• 20:37
  bloodstream.
• 20:38
  Spud
• 20:39
  waits
• 20:39
  by
• 20:39
  the
• 20:39
  door.
• 20:41
  I
• 20:41
  beeline
• 20:41
  for
• 20:42
  the
• 20:42
  bathroom
• 20:42
  and
• 20:42
  throw
• 20:43
  cold
• 20:43
  water
• 20:43
  onto
• 20:44
  my
• 20:44
  face.
• 20:45
  It's
• 20:45
  an
• 20:46
  odd
• 20:46
  thing
• 20:49
  sitting
• 20:49
  on
• 20:49
  the
• 20:49
  toilet
• 20:50
  when
• 20:50
  you're
• 20:50
  not
• 20:51
  shitting.
• 20:53
  Glancing
• 20:54
  around
• 20:55
  the
• 20:55
  bare
• 20:56
  white
• 20:56
  walls,
• 20:56
  I
• 20:57
  wonder
• 20:59
  if
• 21:00
  it's
• 21:00
  more
• 21:02
  than
• 21:02
  a
• 21:02
  passing
• 21:03
  coincidence
• 21:04
  that
• 21:05
  bathrooms
• 21:05
  tend
• 21:06
  to
• 21:06
  resemble
• 21:07
  personal
• 21:07
  sized
• 21:08
  asylums.
• 21:10
  Spud
• 21:11
  cocks
• 21:11
  his
• 21:11
  head
• 21:11
  at
• 21:12
  me.
• 21:13
  We
• 21:13
  return
• 21:14
  to
• 21:14
  the
• 21:14
  living
• 21:15
  room
• 21:15
  where
• 21:15
  my
• 21:16
  phone
• 21:16
  is
• 21:16
  lying
• 21:16
  on
• 21:16
  the
• 21:17
  floor.
• 21:17
  I
• 21:17
  unlock
• 21:18
  it,
• 21:18
  get
• 21:18
  my
• 21:18
  breathing
• 21:19
  under
• 21:19
  control
• 21:20
  and
• 21:21
  click
• 21:21
  into
• 21:22
  my
• 21:22
  wife's
• 21:23
  order
• 21:23
  to
• 21:23
  see
• 21:24
  where
• 21:25
  she's
• 21:25
  staying
• 21:27
  and
• 21:28
  am
• 21:28
  prompted
• 21:28
  to
• 21:29
  re
• 21:29
  enter
• 21:29
  my
• 21:29
  password.
• 21:32
  Our
• 21:32
  password.
• 21:34
  The
• 21:35
  blank
• 21:35
  field
• 21:36
  awaits.
• 21:36
  My
• 21:36
  best
• 21:37
  guess.
• 21:37
  I
• 21:37
  try
• 21:38
  returning
• 21:39
  to
• 21:39
  the
• 21:39
  previous
• 21:39
  screen,
• 21:39
  but
• 21:40
  she's
• 21:40
  locked
• 21:40
  me
• 21:40
  out.
• 21:42
  At
• 21:42
  least
• 21:42
  one
• 21:42
  of
• 21:42
  us
• 21:42
  is
• 21:42
  Thinking
• 21:43
  clearly,
• 21:44
  Spud
• 21:45
  and
• 21:45
  I
• 21:46
  suit
• 21:46
  up
• 21:46
  to
• 21:46
  brave
• 21:47
  the
• 21:47
  cold.
• 21:47
  Young
• 21:47
  men
• 21:48
  and
• 21:48
  women
• 21:48
  who
• 21:48
  look
• 21:49
  suspiciously
• 21:50
  like
• 21:50
  my
• 21:50
  wife
• 21:51
  and
• 21:51
  me
• 21:51
  crowd
• 21:52
  the
• 21:52
  evening
• 21:52
  sidewalks
• 21:53
  hand
• 21:53
  in
• 21:53
  hand.
• 21:55
  Glove
• 21:55
  in
• 21:56
  glove,
• 21:56
  rather.
• 21:58
  The
• 21:58
  wind
• 21:58
  is
• 21:58
  ruthless
• 21:59
  and
• 21:59
  whips
• 22:00
  through
• 22:00
  city
• 22:00
  buildings.
• 22:01
  These
• 22:01
  younger
• 22:02
  versions
• 22:02
  of
• 22:02
  us
• 22:02
  bundle
• 22:03
  their
• 22:03
  scarves
• 22:04
  up
• 22:04
  to
• 22:04
  their
• 22:04
  noses,
• 22:05
  then
• 22:05
  peel
• 22:05
  them
• 22:06
  away
• 22:06
  to
• 22:06
  laugh
• 22:08
  and
• 22:08
  kiss
• 22:10
  and
• 22:11
  plan
• 22:11
  for
• 22:12
  all
• 22:12
  the
• 22:12
  glorious
• 22:13
  days
• 22:14
  ahead.
• 22:17
  My
• 22:18
  boy
• 22:19
  sniffs
• 22:21
  at
• 22:21
  a
• 22:21
  tree
• 22:23
  and
• 22:23
  circles
• 22:23
  himself
• 22:24
  before
• 22:24
  pissing
• 22:25
  on
• 22:25
  the
• 22:25
  tied
• 22:25
  knot
• 22:26
  of
• 22:26
  a
• 22:26
  curbside
• 22:27
  garbage
• 22:28
  bag.
• 22:29
  I
• 22:30
  feel
• 22:30
  a
• 22:31
  modicum
• 22:31
  of
• 22:32
  guilt
• 22:33
  imagining
• 22:33
  the
• 22:34
  poor
• 22:34
  garbage
• 22:35
  man
• 22:35
  who
• 22:35
  will
• 22:36
  grab
• 22:36
  that
• 22:36
  bag
• 22:37
  at
• 22:38
  that
• 22:38
  exact
• 22:38
  spot
• 22:39
  as
• 22:39
  he
• 22:40
  or
• 22:40
  she
• 22:40
  works
• 22:40
  so
• 22:41
  diligently
• 22:41
  to
• 22:41
  clean
• 22:42
  our
• 22:42
  city.
• 22:43
  Surprise,
• 22:44
  surprise.
• 22:44
  This
• 22:45
  guilt
• 22:45
  does
• 22:45
  not
• 22:45
  prevent
• 22:46
  me
• 22:46
  from
• 22:46
  allowing
• 22:46
  my
• 22:47
  dog
• 22:47
  to
• 22:47
  do
• 22:47
  it
• 22:47
  again.
• 22:48
  Farther
• 22:48
  up
• 22:48
  the
• 22:48
  block,
• 22:52
  we
• 22:52
  enter
• 22:52
  a
• 22:52
  deli
• 22:53
  that
• 22:53
  allows
• 22:53
  dogs
• 22:54
  and
• 22:54
  get
• 22:54
  a
• 22:54
  sleeve
• 22:55
  of
• 22:55
  plastic
• 22:56
  cups,
• 22:56
  two
• 22:56
  oranges
• 22:57
  and
• 22:57
  a
• 22:57
  cheap
• 22:58
  fold
• 22:58
  up
• 22:58
  corkscrew.
• 23:01
  First
• 23:01
  step
• 23:01
  towards
• 23:01
  civilization.
• 23:04
  I
• 23:04
  pay
• 23:05
  with
• 23:05
  a
• 23:05
  platinum
• 23:06
  card.
• 23:09
  Yes,
• 23:11
  I
• 23:12
  have
• 23:12
  money.
• 23:14
  It's
• 23:14
  amazing
• 23:15
  what
• 23:15
  a
• 23:15
  man
• 23:15
  can
• 23:16
  earn
• 23:16
  if
• 23:16
  he
• 23:17
  keeps
• 23:17
  his
• 23:17
  mouth
• 23:17
  shut.
• 23:21
  Exiting
• 23:21
  the
• 23:21
  deli,
• 23:22
  we're
• 23:22
  intercepted
• 23:23
  by
• 23:23
  the
• 23:24
  fairer
• 23:24
  half
• 23:24
  of
• 23:24
  a
• 23:25
  drunk
• 23:25
  couple
• 23:26
  who
• 23:26
  waves
• 23:26
  her
• 23:27
  arms
• 23:27
  madly
• 23:28
  and
• 23:28
  shouts
• 23:29
  bear.
• 23:30
  She
• 23:30
  descends
• 23:31
  on
• 23:31
  him
• 23:31
  before
• 23:31
  I
• 23:31
  can
• 23:31
  warn
• 23:32
  against
• 23:32
  it.
• 23:32
  Spud
• 23:33
  does
• 23:33
  a
• 23:33
  backflip
• 23:34
  in
• 23:34
  the
• 23:34
  air
• 23:34
  and
• 23:34
  rips
• 23:35
  the
• 23:35
  leash
• 23:35
  out
• 23:35
  of
• 23:36
  my
• 23:36
  hand.
• 23:36
  He
• 23:37
  dashes
• 23:37
  into
• 23:37
  the
• 23:38
  street
• 23:38
  just
• 23:38
  as
• 23:38
  the
• 23:39
  light
• 23:39
  changes
• 23:39
  down
• 23:39
  the
• 23:40
  block.
• 23:40
  All
• 23:41
  of
• 23:41
  a
• 23:41
  sudden
• 23:41
  I'm
• 23:42
  there
• 23:42
  with
• 23:42
  him,
• 23:43
  arm
• 23:43
  scooped
• 23:43
  around
• 23:44
  his
• 23:44
  chest.
• 23:44
  He's
• 23:45
  trembling.
• 23:45
  The
• 23:45
  drunk
• 23:46
  woman
• 23:46
  shrieks.
• 23:47
  Headlights
• 23:48
  blind
• 23:48
  me,
• 23:48
  getting
• 23:49
  closer.
• 23:50
  Car
• 23:50
  horns.
• 23:51
  I
• 23:51
  pull
• 23:51
  him
• 23:52
  against
• 23:52
  me
• 23:52
  and
• 23:52
  bury
• 23:53
  my
• 23:53
  nose
• 23:53
  in
• 23:53
  his
• 23:53
  fur.
• 23:56
  If
• 23:56
  his
• 23:56
  sweet,
• 23:58
  sweaty
• 23:59
  dog
• 24:00
  musk
• 24:01
  is
• 24:02
  the
• 24:02
  last
• 24:03
  thing
• 24:04
  I
• 24:04
  smell,
• 24:06
  death
• 24:07
  won't
• 24:07
  be
• 24:08
  altogether
• 24:09
  unpleasant.
• 24:13
  I
• 24:13
  come
• 24:13
  to
• 24:15
  with
• 24:15
  one
• 24:15
  of
• 24:15
  my
• 24:16
  hands
• 24:16
  clenching
• 24:17
  his
• 24:17
  harness,
• 24:18
  the
• 24:18
  other
• 24:18
  frozen
• 24:18
  midair.
• 24:20
  A
• 24:20
  neon
• 24:21
  blue
• 24:21
  Chrysler
• 24:22
  screeched
• 24:23
  to
• 24:23
  a
• 24:23
  halt
• 24:23
  in
• 24:23
  front
• 24:23
  of
• 24:24
  us.
• 24:24
  I
• 24:25
  blink
• 24:25
  until
• 24:26
  I
• 24:26
  can
• 24:27
  see
• 24:27
  the
• 24:27
  driver.
• 24:28
  He
• 24:28
  flips
• 24:29
  me
• 24:29
  off
• 24:29
  with
• 24:29
  hands
• 24:30
  and
• 24:30
  gestures
• 24:30
  to
• 24:31
  the
• 24:31
  curb
• 24:31
  we
• 24:31
  came
• 24:32
  from.
• 24:34
  My
• 24:34
  heart
• 24:34
  won't
• 24:35
  stop
• 24:35
  pounding
• 24:36
  even
• 24:36
  after
• 24:37
  we're
• 24:37
  home.
• 24:38
  Spud
• 24:38
  is
• 24:39
  on
• 24:39
  top
• 24:39
  of
• 24:39
  me
• 24:39
  as
• 24:39
  I
• 24:40
  meander
• 24:40
  through
• 24:40
  the
• 24:41
  living
• 24:41
  room
• 24:41
  to
• 24:42
  the
• 24:42
  kitchen,
• 24:42
  leaning
• 24:43
  heavily
• 24:43
  against
• 24:43
  my
• 24:44
  leg.
• 24:45
  The
• 24:45
  deli
• 24:46
  items
• 24:47
  I
• 24:48
  recovered
• 24:48
  from
• 24:48
  the
• 24:49
  sidewalk
• 24:49
  are
• 24:50
  caked
• 24:50
  in
• 24:51
  street
• 24:51
  salt.
• 24:52
  Nothing
• 24:53
  a
• 24:53
  rinse
• 24:54
  won't
• 24:54
  fix.
• 24:55
  I
• 24:55
  pour
• 24:56
  bourbon
• 24:56
  into
• 24:57
  a
• 24:57
  cup,
• 24:57
  slice
• 24:58
  off
• 24:58
  a
• 24:58
  bit
• 24:58
  of
• 24:58
  orange
• 24:58
  peel.
• 24:59
  Using
• 24:59
  the
• 24:59
  corkscrew,
• 25:00
  twist
• 25:00
  it
• 25:00
  over
• 25:00
  the
• 25:01
  cup.
• 25:01
  I
• 25:02
  am
• 25:03
  a
• 25:03
  genius.
• 25:06
  There
• 25:06
  is
• 25:07
  the
• 25:07
  fire.
• 25:09
  Next
• 25:09
  I
• 25:10
  will
• 25:10
  journey
• 25:11
  to
• 25:12
  the
• 25:12
  moon.
• 25:14
  I
• 25:14
  will
• 25:14
  cure
• 25:15
  cancer.
• 25:17
  I
• 25:17
  will
• 25:17
  achieve
• 25:18
  more
• 25:18
  than
• 25:18
  my
• 25:19
  father
• 25:19
  ever
• 25:20
  did.
• 25:23
  How
• 25:23
  long
• 25:26
  has
• 25:26
  it
• 25:26
  been
• 25:28
  since
• 25:29
  I
• 25:29
  ate
• 25:30
  something
• 25:33
  my
• 25:33
  Heartbeat
• 25:34
  is
• 25:36
  labored,
• 25:38
  unsure
• 25:38
  of
• 25:38
  itself,
• 25:39
  out
• 25:39
  of
• 25:39
  practice.
• 25:40
  How
• 25:40
  did
• 25:41
  I
• 25:41
  end
• 25:41
  up
• 25:42
  here
• 25:43
  in
• 25:44
  this
• 25:44
  apartment?
• 25:45
  This
• 25:46
  life,
• 25:47
  even
• 25:47
  before
• 25:48
  it
• 25:48
  was
• 25:48
  stripped
• 25:49
  of
• 25:49
  everything?
• 25:50
  What
• 25:50
  did
• 25:50
  it
• 25:50
  hold?
• 25:53
  Buried
• 25:56
  in
• 25:57
  the
• 25:57
  back
• 25:57
  of
• 25:58
  a
• 25:59
  closet
• 26:01
  is
• 26:01
  a
• 26:01
  hard
• 26:02
  case
• 26:02
  containing
• 26:05
  Ramona,
• 26:07
  my
• 26:07
  first
• 26:08
  guitar.
• 26:09
  A
• 26:10
  glorious
• 26:10
  jet
• 26:11
  black
• 26:11
  acoustic
• 26:12
  with
• 26:12
  f
• 26:13
  holes
• 26:13
  and
• 26:13
  a
• 26:13
  pearl
• 26:14
  inlay.
• 26:15
  Like
• 26:16
  anyone
• 26:16
  who
• 26:16
  spent
• 26:17
  the
• 26:17
  better
• 26:17
  part
• 26:17
  of
• 26:17
  their
• 26:18
  life
• 26:18
  playing
• 26:18
  music,
• 26:18
  my
• 26:19
  collection
• 26:19
  of
• 26:20
  instruments
• 26:20
  grew
• 26:22
  to
• 26:22
  include
• 26:22
  a
• 26:22
  steel
• 26:23
  guitar,
• 26:24
  an
• 26:24
  electric,
• 26:25
  two
• 26:25
  keyboards,
• 26:26
  a
• 26:26
  violin
• 26:26
  that
• 26:27
  never
• 26:27
  really
• 26:27
  got
• 26:28
  off
• 26:28
  the
• 26:28
  ground,
• 26:28
  and
• 26:29
  a
• 26:29
  harmonica.
• 26:32
  At
• 26:32
  some
• 26:32
  point,
• 26:33
  life
• 26:34
  in
• 26:35
  the
• 26:35
  city,
• 26:36
  where
• 26:37
  space
• 26:37
  is
• 26:38
  a
• 26:38
  scarce
• 26:38
  commodity,
• 26:39
  demanded
• 26:40
  they
• 26:41
  go.
• 26:44
  My
• 26:44
  wife
• 26:45
  didn't
• 26:46
  ask
• 26:46
  me
• 26:47
  to
• 26:47
  sell
• 26:48
  Ramona's
• 26:48
  friends.
• 26:50
  I
• 26:50
  offered.
• 26:51
  We
• 26:52
  had
• 26:52
  goals.
• 26:53
  We
• 26:54
  had
• 26:55
  goals.
• 26:55
  And
• 26:56
  we
• 26:56
  did
• 26:59
  build
• 27:01
  something.
• 27:04
  Have
• 27:04
  built
• 27:05
  something.
• 27:05
  No
• 27:06
  use
• 27:06
  for
• 27:06
  the
• 27:06
  past
• 27:06
  tense.
• 27:07
  This
• 27:08
  blip
• 27:10
  is
• 27:10
  not
• 27:10
  a
• 27:11
  death
• 27:11
  knell.
• 27:13
  Nothing,
• 27:14
  no
• 27:15
  matter
• 27:16
  how
• 27:17
  harrowing,
• 27:19
  is
• 27:19
  permanent.
• 27:22
  No
• 27:23
  one
• 27:23
  knows
• 27:23
  this
• 27:24
  better
• 27:24
  than
• 27:24
  Ramona,
• 27:25
  who
• 27:25
  saw
• 27:25
  me
• 27:26
  through
• 27:27
  teenage
• 27:27
  acne.
• 27:29
  Miraculously,
• 27:30
  there's
• 27:31
  strings
• 27:31
  in
• 27:31
  the
• 27:31
  case.
• 27:32
  I
• 27:32
  sit
• 27:33
  back
• 27:33
  on
• 27:33
  the
• 27:33
  floor
• 27:34
  and
• 27:34
  nudes
• 27:34
  spud
• 27:35
  over
• 27:35
  so
• 27:35
  I
• 27:35
  can
• 27:35
  accomplish
• 27:36
  the
• 27:36
  task
• 27:37
  at
• 27:37
  hand.
• 27:37
  Unwind,
• 27:39
  remove,
• 27:40
  replace.
• 27:41
  Somehow,
• 27:42
  despite
• 27:43
  having
• 27:43
  changed
• 27:44
  thousands
• 27:44
  of
• 27:44
  strings
• 27:45
  in
• 27:45
  my
• 27:45
  life,
• 27:45
  I
• 27:45
  harbor
• 27:46
  the
• 27:46
  fear
• 27:46
  that
• 27:46
  one
• 27:46
  will
• 27:47
  suddenly
• 27:47
  snap
• 27:47
  and
• 27:47
  strike
• 27:48
  me
• 27:48
  in
• 27:48
  the
• 27:48
  eye.
• 27:49
  Don't
• 27:50
  let
• 27:50
  anyone
• 27:51
  tell
• 27:51
  you
• 27:52
  that
• 27:52
  a
• 27:52
  mathematical
• 27:53
  mind
• 27:54
  breeds
• 27:55
  logic.
• 27:58
  Tuning
• 27:59
  takes
• 27:59
  longer
• 27:59
  than
• 27:59
  I
• 28:00
  care
• 28:00
  to
• 28:00
  admit.
• 28:02
  I
• 28:03
  pluck
• 28:03
  my
• 28:04
  way
• 28:05
  through
• 28:05
  an
• 28:05
  oldie
• 28:07
  suddenly
• 28:08
  remember
• 28:08
  I
• 28:09
  always
• 28:09
  preferred
• 28:09
  Ramon
• 28:10
  to
• 28:10
  tune.
• 28:11
  Down
• 28:11
  a
• 28:11
  half
• 28:11
  step,
• 28:14
  down
• 28:14
  I
• 28:14
  go.
• 28:17
  Once
• 28:20
  I
• 28:20
  had
• 28:20
  substance,
• 28:24
  Once
• 28:26
  I
• 28:27
  had
• 28:27
  fire.
• 28:30
  Life
• 28:30
  has
• 28:31
  a
• 28:31
  way
• 28:31
  of
• 28:33
  changing
• 28:33
  dreams.
• 28:35
  Or
• 28:36
  perhaps
• 28:38
  just
• 28:38
  the
• 28:38
  power
• 28:38
  to
• 28:39
  make
• 28:39
  a
• 28:39
  man
• 28:39
  forget.
• 28:45
  Maybe
• 28:45
  I'm
• 28:46
  the
• 28:46
  one
• 28:46
  who
• 28:46
  drove
• 28:46
  us
• 28:46
  to
• 28:47
  this.
• 28:54
  That's
• 28:54
  the
• 28:55
  first
• 28:55
  chapter.
• 28:57
  This
• 28:58
  is
• 28:58
  where
• 28:58
  the
• 28:58
  sandbox
• 28:59
  show
• 28:59
  gets
• 28:59
  fun.
• 29:03
  I'll
• 29:04
  throw
• 29:04
  Shakespeare.
• 29:05
  I'll
• 29:05
  throw
• 29:05
  new
• 29:05
  writing.
• 29:06
  I'll
• 29:07
  talky
• 29:07
  talky
• 29:07
  about
• 29:07
  all
• 29:08
  the
• 29:08
  shows.
• 29:11
  I'll
• 29:11
  give
• 29:11
  you
• 29:11
  what
• 29:12
  I
• 29:12
  got.
• 29:14
  Thanks
• 29:14
  for
• 29:14
  being
• 29:14
  here.