Latest / The Growth Project / Episode 326: Sixty Days in the Dark (Part 2)

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Episode 326: Sixty Days in the Dark (Part 2) · The Growth Project

• 0:00
  You.
• 0:03
  Welcome to the Growth Project. This is a podcast brought to you by amylose.
• 0:07
  today's episode is the second in a series. And for those of you new The Growth Project only start there. We are a podcast sponsored by employees, produced by AMP, which is a performance psychology practice in Greenville, South Carolina, where we exist to help people be better and pursue better.
• 0:24
  And the purpose of this podcast is contribute to your growth,
• 0:27
  to bring to you relevant information, relevant topics, relevant experiences, to help you be better in life, to be better for those that matter most and help you pursue better for the things that you really want to accomplish. And so this is a special series.
• 0:41
  I can't think of one more powerful, that we've, that we've done. And so this is episode two of 60 days in the dark. And if you haven't yet, if you're just tuning in, go back and listen to episode one.
• 0:57
  This is telling the story of, your detached retinas and your process. And 60 days in the dark is I couldn't see, for 60 days.
• 1:08
  And and so we're trying to kind of understand last week was the background. How do we get here? What were some of those experiences? What were the thoughts that were going through? Just the medical. You become a pretty good expert. I'd rather not. Yeah. You become a pretty good expert. If I did not introduce, doctor Milt, Larry's doctor, Drew Brannon.
• 1:27
  So episode one highlights is if people don't want to go back and listen and set the stage for us, surely they want to go listen, right? It's a chance to hang out with us for 40 minutes. That was episode one was all about. Yeah, just that setting the stage and explaining what we're really talking about. I think as we laid out in that first episode, there was
• 1:46
  there's a lot to this whole saga in trying to to cram it all into one episode.
• 1:51
  It wasn't going to be possible. And so that really kind of set the stage for not just what's been going on, in this 60 day window, but then also just the background history of my eye problems dating all the way back to to 13 years old. And to me, I know I appreciate I've known you and loved and worked with you for a long time.
• 2:07
  It just,
• 2:08
  it was just real. I've seen you. Thanks, man. Especially in a public setting. And I appreciate your vulnerability. I appreciate your courage. And I appreciate your willingness to tell the story, because the part, you know, we don't know how the story is going to instill.
• 2:20
  so we're still walking forward in faith. And so if we look back and say, hey, this is how I got here and this is what we learn, some of those first thoughts, first experiences.
• 2:28
  And I mentioned last time drew that mold supervisor. You say when God closes one door, he opens another, but it's hell in the hallway. And and when I thought about that this morning was the dark hallway. And and so today's episode is really okay. How do you how do you keep walking? How do you get through day by day, minute by minute?
• 2:49
  And so that's a little bit of what we want to get into today. Yeah. Oh, gosh. Even as, I hadn't slowed down a lot today to think about that. And like, man, is I start to think about it, it's just immediate return of, recalling how hard that was. And I think one of the reasons why to even start with today, such a different and unique recovery process than many other types of surgeries a person could have.
• 3:14
  You and I are both. We've worked in athletic settings a ton. An easy example of you see someone who maybe like tear an ACL, which is a really well known injury. It's yeah, it's long term, but the harder you work, the faster you get better. Yeah. Within reason. Right. And so there's this very active part of it. You can the more you stick to the plan, the better you do.
• 3:35
  And there's always that great challenge people are working towards of, of trying to, to be on the front end of the wave, right of a hey, this is a 7 to 9 month thing. Well, I'm going to be seven, which is six, which is for those of you who don't know, fit your personality to a tee. Totally. I mean, that's the way you're 100%.
• 3:50
  Yeah. Like, if you can do it by this time, you want to do it quicker. Yeah. Efficient. Effective. Go hard. Just not a challenge. You can't, attack. Yeah. And so throw all of that out the window. Like, the reason I'm bringing up that example is because this is the exact opposite, where the. I don't even know what it would mean to go hard when you can't really see much, but the harder you go, the greater the likelihood you create more problems for yourself.
• 4:14
  And so this is all about patients being able to be still being able to do things that you don't really want to do in the way of like saying no to stuff. And then the the really interesting kind of complicating factor I mentioned in the last episode, that sounds strange, but they actually inject this gas bubble in your eye to act as like a splint or to keep things everything in place.
• 4:36
  Well, the you're waiting on this process of the gas bubble absorbing and in order to regain the ability to see it happens so slow, so that you literally wake up every day with proof that thinking you really haven't done anything, it's like it's like you wake up and you start your day with a visual reminder that the progress is so slow I can't even see it.
• 5:00
  So that's not exactly, fuel to the fire, I should say. Yeah, because you just start questioning, is this working? Is it ever going to go away? Is it ever going to come back? And so to me, there's almost two phases of it. The first detached retina.
• 5:13
  it was not that you were going horror but but you had a game plan and you're going to like, and you're going to get back and you can be back by this day because you had some history of the other eye.
• 5:22
  Yep. I thought it was going to go just like my 1 in 2015. Yes. And I really didn't have any reason not to like we do that in life a bunch, I think where it's like, oh, I've had, you know, I've had my prior experience one time. Right. And so like, oh sure, it'll go just like that. Right.
• 5:35
  So I was very naive in that in. But you're right. First one was different type of mentality around the recovery of it. And then boom, here I am with a second one. And so I think even just, you know, to get into it today like some, some of it just came back for me of like, I got to build, I got to build a framework.
• 5:52
  I got to build a plan. Yeah. And, that's what I try to do. And so for me, that started first thing in the morning. And so I would get up and, I would start every day. And this is my personally too, I guess, is like me starting every day with the same song is no big deal for me.
• 6:09
  Like, I don't get tired of things. So. So there's a song you might be familiar with it. If you're not, I highly recommend you go check it out. It's called Firm Foundation by Maverick City Music, and I just found early on in the process that that song captured the essence on so many levels of like, what I need it and I needed to be reminded of certain things.
• 6:28
  I needed to, be able to kind of claim truths that are found in that song and know that, regardless of what had transpired prior to that day, and despite the uncertainty around what lies ahead for the remainder of that day, I could really kind of like, plant my flag and state my claim on this firm foundation.
• 6:50
  Now, why is it so important, you think, just from a just psychology, which is what we do to have those reminders and outside influences, reminding you of what's true, reminding you of what you want to focus on? Why do you think it's so important to have that external reminder? I think especially in a period of time like that, you are, you're just going to be attacked over and over and over again throughout the course of the day with the doubt, the confusion, the frustration, the fear, all that.
• 7:19
  Yeah. It's just an onslaught. Yeah. And so if you haven't essentially grounded yourself and anchored yourself to something to increase the likelihood you can hold fast, you want. Yeah, that's what I needed. Yeah. So good. Because we do get lost. Our own doubts, our own fears. In that constant attack, you know, we talk a lot in cognitive psychology.
• 7:39
  You got 50, 70,000 all today. Said most of those thoughts tend to be automatic and negative. And I imagine yours were even at a heightened state. We talked about. When you go through trauma, your brain, you just focus on the threat. And so I love how you started the day with a concern reminder what's really important. Yeah.
• 7:56
  And and it anchored you into something greater. And if I here for that moment gave you a least a sense of peace for sure. So I would do that to start the day and I would have had Rachel the night before help get my phone like cued up and ready for I would do that and then I would listen to a sermon, by Tim Keller, who's always been kind of like a spiritual hero of mine at of Redeemer in New York and, you know, passed away a couple of years ago about the same time my dad did.
• 8:22
  But, just I can't think of a better person to hear, listen to, preach. So that's how I would start every day, you know, over and over and over again. And and would you figure out that routine?
• 8:32
  Really? Not until, like, I would say, I was doing some semblance of that the first time through, the back at the beginning in January, you know, but but not as diligently.
• 8:44
  And the second time as we talked about on the last episode was just a complete and utter just threw me back in, floored me. And like, I was I was really needy. Just like, man, I gotta this is gonna be hard. So dialed in a lot more beginning the second time, which was like February 7th. Yeah. And so really kind of look at the big picture.
• 9:05
  How do I want to start my day? Yep. What brings me comfort? What brings me peace? What do I need reminders of in this time of desperation, in this whole way? And so as you kind of started the day, what was that next step? So then it really just became kind of this mentality of how do I create a day that I'm proud of?
• 9:24
  Really simple goal. And I mean, heck, it's kind of always our goal. I think in many ways, whether we're dealing with real life struggles like this. But if, you and I have both found in, in many different instances, like if you can go do that with some degree of consistency, you know, you're going to be okay. And, that doesn't mean that you'll get each and every hope fulfilled.
• 9:49
  But I do think you'll get you'll realize a lot more wins and losses. Yeah. I think that's such a worthy, day worthy goal. But but I know kind of what I know your daily goals and what you're proud of. Prior to the surgery. Yeah, right. Like, here's here's this is different. Yeah. Here are the big boxes you were checking in and to think, okay, well, maybe today I just got up and listen to a song or today I read a devotional.
• 10:12
  Today I had a better attitude. Or, like, how did you make that huge shift from here's what a day to proud of it is. Wake up at early, do my devotional workout, go to work, be effective. Be efficient. Make a difference. Be a great dad. Be a great husband. All these big picture goals to now you got to shift and say like, this is a day I'm proud of.
• 10:32
  Yeah, how did you make that? With a high degree of stubbornness at first. And so I really do think it took me the better part of two weeks with that first time through with a retina where I was really doing more fighting than I was accepting internally. And I think once I realized that, okay, this is a really, really serious situation that, I've got to stick to the plan.
• 10:58
  That helped get me over the, I think over a little bit of a threshold there to where I was like, man, all of all of the things that I would hang my hat on in a daily way is on a daily basis and say like, oh, okay. Like, I feel proud of this day. Like I gone, gone, certainly gone in the sense of how I was used to them looking.
• 11:17
  So it became, you know. Yeah, I want to be great. Dad became examples of like, okay, every single day after I like, I will have gotten up, done my devotional. You know, done those things and be ready to be standing in the kitchen when my kids came out to eat breakfast and, and, you know, it's like when, when teenagers are coming to eat breakfast, when they go to school.
• 11:36
  Not exactly the most talkative moment of the day for them, but I was going to be standing there and I was going to be doing my best to communicate to them that like, hey, although dad is not really himself right now, like he's fighting, man, and he's going to do what he can to show you that, like, you don't need to be too worried.
• 11:55
  Yeah. And that's that's something to be proud of trying. So how do you evaluate how do you try to kind of keep some markers goals. Am I,
• 12:03
  just honest reflection really. I mean, like, I think, you know, in many ways the goal of all of us have is to get the end of the day and look in the mirror and feel like we, to the best of our ability, created the day we were proud of.
• 12:15
  So I was really doing more evaluation at the end of the day. Yeah, when it was time to kind of win things down and just kind of reflect back a little bit and be like, okay, like, how did you do? But I would, I would just go, I built this routine of I would, I would kind of be present in the kitchen.
• 12:29
  And so my kids went to school and then shortly thereafter I would go and just have a dedicated time of prayer. Man, if only we could do that with a greater only we did do that with a greater degree. We can. We just don't have consistency. And then I would normally spend most of the morning just learning.
• 12:45
  Yeah. So podcast books, I, I told myself that, you know, we don't do enough of that for a number of reasons was like, hey, I can't I can't do much. I can listen. So I would listen to a lot of things in audiobooks. I would get lunch. I would have lunch. About early afternoon. This was really exciting.
• 13:04
  The mail would come you here waiting on the mail saying, I became that day, or that guy was, the mail's here, you know, he couldn't read it. No, but Rachel could. Yeah, but it was just, you know, it was a kind of a marker of, like, hey, we're getting along. The day is taking shape. So the mail and then the afternoon, once I was far enough along to where they would let me walk, which was not for a while what felt like a long while, I built a routine that I began to really enjoy, where if you if you're in Greenville, you know this.
• 13:34
  We have this fantastic, called the Swamp Rabbit Trail. And on the newer part of the trail, which is near my house, it's really fresh asphalt because it's newly paved. And to the immediate right of it is very light gray stones, gravel. So it's easy to tell the difference between the path, the asphalt path, and the gravel stones, even for someone that could barely see.
• 13:56
  But I could differentiate color well enough to know what was what they're. So I would do that every day is I would get dropped off at one end of the trail, and I would walk to the other end. It would take me about an hour and a half and get picked up. I don't mean to just go, oh, you should.
• 14:14
  It's hilarious. This image. Oh yeah. And I'm walking. Yeah, let's let's go for it. Yeah. Every, every, every time I heard, like, a bike or something, you know, I would run or I would just stop and just wait. Because you had no idea, because I didn't. Yeah. I'm like, I don't know. Where are they? I think, well, who is it?
• 14:33
  What? Did I just stand there until I didn't hear any more noises. And then we start walking again. Go. So it would take a while. So how much more heightened were your senses? How do you see? Yeah, that's. I thought about that a good bit. Probably more than I realized at the time. Probably, my hearing was maybe more dialed in than ever had been before, but that really became a highlight because it just felt so great to get outside and move.
• 14:53
  And and there were days where I had a lot of really I got some great friends and so people would come walk with me. But, you know, not a lot because, you know, it's like 230 on a Tuesday. You know, people are usually pretty busy at that time. And I'm like, you know, how did I become that guy who's at 230 on Tuesday?
• 15:07
  Do we always want some freedom? Yeah, yeah, here I am. Make it my way, don't you? I said, but what I also hear, and that is the routine, the process created that you're proud of. I hear as hard as it was, a little bit of appreciation for the little things. You have to. Yeah, yeah, a little bit of a the mailman came.
• 15:27
  Hey, I get to go outside, listen to this song. Seeing my kids at breakfast, you know, those little things. That's something to be proud of. And. And we talked about gratitude being such a great antidote to stress and anxiety and fear. Yeah. Oh, was there a spirit of gratitude for you? Okay, well, especially since you graduate to each of these things.
• 15:45
  So there was a period of time where I couldn't do any of those things. I wasn't allowed to walk. I couldn't, you know, make my way out to go get the mail, which sounds completely ridiculous, but it, you know, it's kind of a nice thing when I could start doing that. The fact that you graduate to them and they're not always yours meant it made it more meaningful.
• 16:02
  Yeah. So. And we don't need to detail like, every part of the day, but basically I would, do my best to have a series of things like that that build a routine and just do it again and again and again and try to be proud of it. And that's what one thing about you are built to do things over and over and over again.
• 16:20
  Yeah. That's true. Yeah. And so it's interesting how God had maybe prepared you for this moment because you can follow a routine as well as anybody. I know. Well although the routine changed. Yeah. Okay. So hey how we start the day matters how we end the day matters I love this lineage. Can we be proud of how we show up.
• 16:39
  Can we be proud of the day we created. What's a what's another kind of something that helped you get through the hallway? I had to be honest with all the emotions, which is not my tendency. That's not quite how I tend to do things. But it it became one of those deals where because it was so difficult, the really the only way through was to be willing to just talk about it and be real about it and cry when you need to cry and not feel like there was any type of, well, I should be doing this or feeling this or shouldn't.
• 17:17
  Like none of that should be real about the emotions. Yeah. And so to me, this may be the the most remarkable part of the journey. Knowing you like it isn't easy for you. Yeah, but it isn't easy for you to be vulnerable or or show that emotion. It sounds like the situation forced it. Yeah, but. But what do you start learning about yourself in terms of getting comfortable expressing that?
• 17:39
  I think I probably answer that this way. So we, you and I are both lifetime Southerners, right? You would never know by your the way you talk, right? You would never know that. But the the good and the there's there's fantastic is about the South. There's some maybe not quite as great, but one of the things I think we were forced to claim is the classic, like, how you doing?
• 17:57
  You know, and what comes next is often given like literally zero thought or very maybe a little bit more than zero, but not a lot of thought. And so, if you will, instead of doing that, begin kind of like taking it down level by level by level. It's like, no, no, how are you really doing? And then maybe there's some kind of an answer that was like, no, no, no, no, still not there.
• 18:20
  How are you really doing? And so when I began to kind of take it down, if you get the image in your head of almost like taking the elevator down right first floor, second floor, like I found some things down there that, one needed to find and to really not sure that I would have found them otherwise.
• 18:44
  Well, so despite how incredibly hard, man, all that has been, it's like, I don't know. I mean, I'm pretty good at being stubborn and I'm pretty good at power and through. So had I not been forced to not do either of those, two might not have found them? Well, and so I hear not so much other people.
• 19:12
  First and foremost, you had to deal with yourself. Yeah, you had an answer. The hell am I really doing? What are these emotions? Where are they coming from? And so as you dealt with them internally, how did you get better at expressing them externally? I think I began to find and feel some type of like therapeutic, not just benefit but, purpose to it of like, okay, wow.
• 19:41
  Like, this is I'm seeing the purpose of of why I need to realize that these certain things and talk about them and work at them. And because there certainly were no limitations on that stuff, like, you don't need to have 2020 vision to do some meaningful, reflection and stuff like that. So as I began to see the, the, the purpose of that, it was very, I guess almost in a sense, kind of motivating.
• 20:10
  How did it change your connection and relationship with others when you started being real certain about your emotions? Yeah, I mean, certainly greater. I mean, in a number of ways. Like it's one of the things that happened to that. It's amazing how you when you're going through a time like that, the sensitivity you very quickly developed for like other people struggles.
• 20:30
  And it's like, wow. I mean, I can remember hearing examples of, you know, so-and-so, whether it was a parent died or, so-and-so has this type of, condition or disease or you just and you're like, man, like, and so, like, I wouldn't have felt that way otherwise. Yeah. Just so more empathy, so much, so much more, more understanding.
• 20:54
  Yeah. Yes. And and I think to just the other, the other final thing I would say on that is when you find yourself on your heels working through a lot of stuff like this, it's a it's a tremendous, it helps you tremendously develop the needed, grace toward others of like, man as, like working through the muck of me.
• 21:17
  It it's, it helps me have an extra measure of grace and understanding toward others. In the fact that, like, they're trying their best to.
• 21:29
  there's so many thoughts in my mind right now, but I think about the opportunity to learn when times are really difficult. Yeah. When times are challenging, what is the. So it's like God speaks in our pleasures, whispers in our sorrow and shouts in our pain.
• 21:43
  Yeah, it's his megaphone to rouse a deaf world. Yeah. And so I hear as he going to open your eyes and heart to seeing yourself in a different way and seeing other people, and using that pain to really clarify purpose in your life. Yeah. Really amazing. And just the fact that you're, you take a step back and you're like, I think about the many, many, many examples of just how many things people did and like, went out of their way just to like, you find yourself think it's like, okay, let's get real for a second to what length would I be going for someone else who might be in a similar situation?
• 22:20
  And you're like, man, I don't I don't know that I would be trying this hard and that doesn't feel good. Yeah, well, I think what I hear with that is you're honest with your emote like one. How many people repress those emotions? They don't have a chance to share it, you know. And we know to get through something difficult, you gotta you gotta have something to believe in.
• 22:39
  And you gotta have a good group of people around you. And so whether it's our pride, whether whatever it is, if we don't allow other people in, we're not able to have a partner in the process. Yeah, partner in that pain. And I think we know from a worker psychologist it's it's difficult to watch somebody you love being, but you can't take it away.
• 22:58
  But being a partner in that pain, being present in that pain first and foremost, you had to do it yourself and allow other people to come in. Yeah. Let me make one last point on this before we get the next part, because it just hit me at. So one of on the emotional side, like one of the most, I would say, impactful emotional realizations that I had throughout this was how overused.
• 23:19
  And this is, this is like an emotion tied to a thought. And that is how overused our whole notions of the word important are of like when you really get down to it, there is a very short list of things that truly matter. You know, in, in like, wow, we can let ourselves get massively emotionally wrapped around the axle for things that are just like such minute matters.
• 23:44
  And so you realize that in a much more clear way. I think when you get thrown into some of the fires like this one.
• 23:52
  we get to a whole episode on that. Yeah, yeah. And so kind of this, hey, we're still walking forward in faith. Yeah. But how am I getting through each day? How am I surviving the 60 days in the dark?
• 24:02
  And so I love the lessons. We've already talked about how we start the day. Create a day you're proud of, being honest with your emotions. What are some other things that helped you get through this? So the other one I would say, is this whole idea of a concept that, this is always I know for both of us, it's really impactful when you have like, believed in and kind of taught a principle of some type in the so-called psychology realm.
• 24:24
  But if you're honest with yourself, you maybe you haven't lived it quite as much. And that happens sometimes, and that's okay, because you to live everything well, it's a lot easier to talk about it than do. Yeah, true. Sure. But one example of that is and this is well known, this one, the, you know, Navy Seal population, many people are aware what you have to complete that's really, really difficult is but basic underwater demolition training and otherwise known as hell week.
• 24:47
  Hell week is a big part of this. And they talk a lot about how, what's the difference between those that seem to make it and versus those that don't. And one of the things, those that make it seem to do very, very well is their ability to compartmentalize in the sense of just get to the next meal. Yeah.
• 25:03
  And, you know, if if it's the morning and you're just getting tortured in the, in the surf, in the sand and all those things, that's freezing, just get to lunch and don't let yourself quit before lunch. And what ends up happening to most people is like, they get through it, they get to lunch, they warm up, they get their belly full, and I'm like, okay, like I can make it to dinner.
• 25:20
  And they just do that. And it's amazing how helpful that is. And I had I just tried to live that of like, okay, because especially once I knew that I was facing the gantlet of the better part of eight weeks without really being able to see much at all. The thought of eight weeks was completely overwhelming. You know, I couldn't even begin to think about that.
• 25:39
  Yeah, first of all, I can't do that. Yeah. I mean, it's just completely overwhelming. And it would just send it, I think, many people into a tailspin. So I couldn't think like that. It had to be just about okay, like, let's let's get up. Let's start the routine. We know what the routine is like, execute to the best of our ability, just get get a launch and then do the same thing.
• 25:57
  Just get a dinner. So just breaking things down and then, you know, the something that hit me this was really early on in the process is I was praying for, just like, you know, like, give me I need something today. Like, I just it was it was a bad day and I just was struggling. And I'd been to the doctor and it it wasn't a bad report, but it wasn't nearly as good as I'd hoped for.
• 26:17
  That happened a lot, by the way. Yeah. And it just hurt my heart to watch you get so excited about the doctor's appointment and then the the devastation that it wasn't the news. You want it? Yeah. And so I remember I can, like, literally my head see where I was sitting when it happened. And, I'm back in my house in this room in, I kind of had, like, a gut on my heart.
• 26:38
  The memory of, story in the old Testament that in Exodus 16, where, you know, the Israelites have they've God has done like incredible things for them. He is literally like part of the Red sea and all that stuff. And yet they're like, man, like what? What do you do? So why you bring us out here? Yeah, like anything is gonna be like this.
• 26:58
  And so what does he do? He showers down manna from heaven in so manner as a form of bread. And he gives him food for that day. Yeah, just for that day. And and they're, you know, of course they grumble and they're like, hey, we were, we would prefer to just like, go get a bunch of this manna and pile it up over here and know that we're also going to be good tomorrow.
• 27:18
  And he was like, don't do that. You know, it's not what I said. I'm taking care of you today. And as I thought about that doctor's appointment, I was like, all right. He didn't tell me any bad news zero. He just didn't tell me as much good news as I wanted. Yeah. And so I took a step back.
• 27:34
  I'm like, I got all the manna I could ever ask for today, but it wasn't good enough for me. And so then I just tried to just use that on a daily basis of, like, where is the manna in my day to day that is being provided to me for today? So good. And we want security in the long term.
• 27:52
  We want security of the things of this world. And would you say I got enough today and I got today and I love you. Combine it like I would be proud of how I live today. Yeah. So so if I go into the day thinking I got everything I need at the end of the day and I will be, I'm going to use it to the best of my ability.
• 28:06
  I will do the best I can to day. Like that's a great sleep eight. Yeah I think so. Yeah. So it was and I think really what you try to do and of course you have some days that are better than others, but what you try to do is, is just go get some wins, just pile it, just pile up some wins.
• 28:24
  Let that be some form of encouragement to you. Let that build some momentum, some motivation. Because long term thinking was doing me no good. I couldn't do that. You know, I remember well, what does I do? Like it's day by day, totally like and like, hey, can I just get through this day? And I remember speaking with a young student athlete 20 years ago at Compton, who was on the stages of creating a drinking problem.
• 28:49
  And this young athlete said, like when I'm 40 years old, I won't be able to drink a beer. I'm like, so I can't, I can't go the rest of my life without drinking. Yeah. I'm like, hey, I'm not trying to get you to 40. I'm trying to get you to 18.5. Yeah. And can you break that down?
• 29:04
  And so I hear that and you're like, can I just get through this day? Yeah. Right. And put that and get some positive momentum. Yeah. Now that's exactly right. I remember being in I mean, heck, way back in the day. We went to AA classes through undergrad psychology stuff. Yeah. And if anybody ever made a statement like, like, oh, I can do this for like, don't know, stop, don't talk like that.
• 29:25
  Like we're talking about today. Yeah. So it's not even I can't it's even if I can. Yeah. It's like hey here's what we know. And I love kind of time that man I got enough for today and I'm gonna be just today that it. Yeah. Because I think if you are the last thing I'll say about that is if you're not able to be grateful for what's been provided today, you spend so much time just focusing on what you didn't get, you know?
• 29:48
  And it's like of what's the remaining voids? And it's like, well, wait a second. Like, how about what you did get? Yeah. And like, yeah, what I didn't get like what I can't do. And so if, if my focus is shifting, like, you can't lie to yourself. Right. But if my focus shift of here's being grateful of being warning what I have.
• 30:08
  And then the other part of that not letting what you can't do limit what you can. Yeah. And I hear that in this journey, I mean, it's how you live, but I'll hear that in this journey. So that's a good segue, because the next thing I was gonna try to touch on is this was extremely difficult to do this, but I had to find a way to focus on what you just said of, like, focus on what I can do, not what I can't.
• 30:30
  How do I focus on capabilities instead of limitations, especially when you're comparing yourself to what you could do on January 19th? Yeah. Well, and especially when you have a lot more limitations than you do. Capabilities. Yeah. You know, because we can sit here all day and be like, hey, focus on capabilities, not limitations. Well, I had some pretty legitimate limitations that were creating a whole lot of problems for me.
• 30:53
  And, you know, I do think it's true that you can make an attempt to train your brain in a way where you try to see and identify capable opportunities, more limitations. But then there's other moments where, like, you just mad about it. You just you just mad that you don't have capabilities and I think that's going back with the emotions go through the stages of grief.
• 31:16
  Kubler-Ross. Denial. Anger. She goes at bargaining. You. I mean, I call that bereavement. The next day for her is, depression and then acceptance. And so my second deal is dealing with it, but I hear that anger, it like being honest with your emotions. Okay? To be angry, right? Yep. And I mean, I just had I mean, a prime example would be that, you know, me, I mean, I love I've run marathons, I've done travel.
• 31:42
  Like, I love all that stuff. If you would have ever told me that, it would be thrilling for me to go for a three mile walk by myself down a trail at like a 14. No, I was even slower than that. It was actually. Otherwise, at 14, it was more like 21, 22 minutes per mile, because I had to stop so much because I heard people coming.
• 32:00
  My heart hurts for you. Like if you were to told me that that was like awesome and exciting, I would be like, oh my gosh, that sounds terrible. But you know what? That's what I could do. Yeah. So I try to make the most I'm thinking I miss my chance to race you like that's like I miss my chance.
• 32:13
  So that got to be a funny story. It's funny you say that because I don't know if anybody remembers this, but when, here's what my mantra became on that trail. This is not to say anything I'm too proud of, but it's funny. The so in Colorado, Colorado football's first year coach program when the coach prime era begin began.
• 32:31
  I think they won their first game that season against TCU. And I was like, oh, these guys are going to be good. Well, whether it was a second game, a third game, I can't remember. They went out there and just got completely destroyed. And Coach Prime comes to the press conference and the first thing he says the obvious preference is he says, you better get us while you can.
• 32:48
  And so, you know, meaning like he hasn't yet got his guys in there and all that stuff. So when I would be walking down that trail and everyone is just zipping by me, I'm thinking, you better get me while you can. So are we back yet? Or we, I'm back running. Not swiftly or far or anything, but I actually had my did my second run this morning.
• 33:06
  Awesome. So, yeah, I couldn't be more grateful for that. But I don't want to gloss over that because I think that's so important. We talked about what you can't control and what you can't control, but this is more what you can do, not being limited about what you can't do. And even and I think accepting your limitations, you know, one of the greatest challenges true, I think we face in life accepting the limitations of being human without accepting the limits of being human imposes upon us.
• 33:32
  And and I hear that I had to accept and come to grips and hear my limitations. Here's the things I can do. But but not letting that set limits on what I can do. That's what I hear. Yeah I agree with that. And I know we probably need to move toward wrapping here in a second, but I do want to make sure we touch on this because this was really, really meaningful for me is, heck, you and I have dealt in this space so many different times with different people in different contexts.
• 33:56
  But like the question of why,
• 33:58
  and that's a dangerous one to ask in for so many reasons, but I definitely realized along the way here that I wasn't going to be able to answer that one. However, there was and is a real opportunity to try, try to the best of my ability to connect all of these events and certain struggles to some type of bigger purpose.
• 34:23
  And I certainly as we're sitting here today, I don't know, I can't fill the blanks that I don't know that I, I don't know the answers for that. I don't know what specifically those purposes might be, but I knew that in a similar way to how, as we've talked before, about whether it's Viktor Frankl or Stockdale or whoever it is of these guys, while in significant, struggle, saw that there was an element of that that was going to be, a huge component of the rest of their story.
• 34:51
  Yeah. And so I don't know that, like I said, I don't know that yet, but, I got to the point in time where I saw the the purpose of that, I guess, follow what Viktor Frankl talks about a man's search for meaning, about finding meaning in your suffering. Yeah. And you may not get the answer. Why?
• 35:11
  I think it's a valid question, but how can I connect this to something greater than myself? What are. What can I learn, and how can that shape my experience? And how can I use that for for good? Yeah. Oh, totally. Because I remember even thinking there's there's different versions of that because at one point I had this thought that that was like, okay, this is happening whether I want it to or not.
• 35:33
  So what are you going to do with it? But that's not really the cord to strike, you know, that that's like this kind of like hard and like, go hard. Yeah. But like, I'm a I'm a prove something. Yeah. That's not that's not the cord to play. That's not where I wanted to be. And so although I realize that it's like, no, let's try again.
• 35:50
  And so it, it became more along the line of like, okay, where does the potential exist in this to change me for the better in a formative way? And, you know, to be clear, like, I don't want anyone to get the idea of like I was spending my days just happily reflecting. No, not at all.
• 36:10
  But yeah. So maybe the next episode we know about what to do or what not to do, but but what I hear there is back to even how you started is the whole paradigm shift.
• 36:20
  The harder I go, the better is going to be. Yeah. And even the harder I try to learn something though, like what you're talking about when you talk about Frankel and Stockdale is you try, you can just go harder, you can try harder. But what you said there, I don't even know if you called it. This is less about what I'm going to do with what I learned, and more about who I am going to become and what it's going to do to me.
• 36:40
  Yes. Yeah. Right. That's very true. And that's wisdom. That's that's wisdom. So I don't know about it, I don't know was wisdom but it was my best attempt to see the things that it seemed like I was supposed to. But I think that's growth for you, for me, for any of us. Because especially in our field, through everything we read, everything we touch, everything we watch, we're like, okay, how can I use this to help somebody else?
• 37:05
  You know, how can I put this into practice. Oh I bet Georgia football would benefit or that's how your brain works. Yeah for sure sure. And it was so powerful here you say no this is more about what can I learn now. Not what can I do. Yeah. What. Pull that out. Yeah. What can I who can I be.
• 37:22
  Not. What can I be doing. So good. Let me know when you've mastered that. That would be. Yeah. Yeah. Just as you said that like man I me do it I figured that out. Yeah I know we need to kind of wrap up. But yeah I guess we've managed to work our way through episode two with one yet to come.
• 37:43
  Yeah. And again, it's just so powerful to me to one watch it and watch you struggle through it, but to to kind of continue to gain insight from it and and being able to have the courage to tell your story and to be honest with yourself. And I appreciate you sharing it with me, and I appreciate you sharing it with our listeners, because if there's one, it's death, it's tactics and what we know to be true.
• 38:06
  People are going to face trauma in their life. Yeah. And and we created this podcast to be relevant in people's life. And I keep thinking the name more relevant than what are some of the lessons you've learned as you're walking through that hallway? And, and how do we gain that knowledge and continue to apply that knowledge going forward?
• 38:23
  Yeah. Well said. Very well said. Okay. Thank you to our listeners. And I hope if you've made it this far, you'll you'll turn into episode three coming your way soon. Thanks so much. Thanks.