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Lower Your Expectations (And Everyone Else's Too) · Not Right Now

• 0:00
  [upbeat music] Hey, I have three kids. They eat so much. We try to eat real food. We try to cook when we can.
• 0:10
  We try not to waste too much 'cause it drives me nuts, and it's expensive, and also for obvious climate reasons, which is why the Mill Food Recycler changed our lives a couple years ago.
• 0:23
  It is an odorless, effortless, and fully automated food recycler. Look, we've had this thing front and center in our kitchen for, again, a couple years now it feels like, and it is just such a game changer.
• 0:37
  Way less waste, less smell, way less garbage, which by the way, saves you money. No leaky bags.
• 0:44
  Look, you got peels, bones, stalks, whatever leftovers, dump 'em in the Mill, and Mill dries and grinds them while you sleep. Again, it doesn't smell, which I don't understand. It's sleek. It's actually sexy.
• 1:00
  Here's a question people ask: "How often do you empty it?" Good question. It's every three weeks. I don't know, maybe, and there's a bunch of us.
• 1:07
  Plus, there's a little app where you can control it if you want and set a schedule, and it shows you how much food your family keeps out of landfills. A delight.
• 1:15
  Look, you can get seventy-five dollars off right now when you go to our special partner site. I'm gonna read you the link, but you should know it's also in the show notes, and you can just click it.
• 1:26
  It is mill.com/lp/important-not-important. That is [chuckles] mill.com/lp/important-not-important. I couldn't remember that, so we put it in the show notes.
• 1:44
  It's right there for you. Check it out. Huge thanks to Mill for sponsoring our work and doing the right thing, and thanks to all of you listeners for supporting our partners.
• 1:54
  [upbeat music] I don't know who started this myth that it is a tragedy to not be present for your child's first time doing X, Y, and Z, because that is impossible, and if you are there, you don't even notice it, and you're not gonna remember it.
• 2:07
  It'll be- No... the first time that you see it happen, but it's not like your kid is gonna be like, "Mom wasn't there the first time I-" No. "... lifted my head up on my own, so-" Uh-huh. Right. "Time to do meth."
• 2:17
  [upbeat music] Welcome to Not Right Now, the podcast about parenting through all of this.
• 2:33
  We'll be talking about/crashing out over topics like- Gender identity and why they won't wear a coat. School shooting drills and forgotten PE clothes. It's not an advice show.
• 2:44
  It's a you're not alone, and you're also not crazy for screaming in the shower kinda show. I'm Claire Zulkey from Evil Witches. And I'm Quinn Emmett from Important Not Important.
• 2:55
  You can find details on anything we talk about in the show notes or at our website, notrightnow.show..show.
• 3:02
  Uh, and if you like what you hear today, please share it with a parent who needs it or who might laugh and tell their kids to be quiet and then drop us a nice little five-star review.
• 3:10
  And reminder, you can send questions or feedback to questions@notrightnow.show.
• 3:16
  [upbeat music] You're not a single parent, but you are solo parenting. Your wife is gone for a while. Mm-hmm. How has it been going?
• 3:31
  What are your mechanisms for, you know, getting through? We all parent differently when we are the only person there, so how, how has it been going, and how are your kids doing? Yeah. I'm excited to talk about this.
• 3:43
  It's not just timely for me, obviously. You know, I think it's ever present for a lot of folks all the time for a huge variety of reasons. You know, it changes over time. I try not to be mad dad the whole time.
• 3:56
  This is a long one. So when the kids were, you know, whatever it was, four, five, six, I don't fucking know, something like that, we were still in LA.
• 4:03
  She was showrunning the first season of her new TV show called "Home Before Dark" on Apple,
• 4:09
  criminally under-watched, and she was up in Vancouver, and we never found the right version of this, but we might have actually adjusted to it this time, and again, the kids were very young, so they didn't understand time.
• 4:19
  It was... went on for, I don't know, four, five, six months. She would leave on Sunday afternoon, 'cause they started shooting at 6 a.m.
• 4:27
  Monday morning, go up to Vancouver, and then she would fly back on, like, Saturday afternoons, 'cause they would sh... You know, on Fridays, basically, you can go shoot as long as you need to.
• 4:38
  So they would finish at 1:00 in the morning or something, fly back Saturday afternoon. She would meet us at the kids' soccer practice, and
• 4:46
  they would unleash all of their emotions and then wake up the next day, and it was a few hours till Mommy left again. Mm. And we never figured out, is that better or worse than Mom's just gone? Yeah.
• 4:57
  And this is a much shorter version of it, so this is a total of, I don't know, 12, 13 days, and we thought about a break in the middle. It's farther. She's in LA.
• 5:04
  She's doing all the "Wicked" stuff, but I was like, "It's too much." Yeah. "It's too much." It's the same reason I didn't go. I was like, "So I can go to two two-hour events, like, five days apart?
• 5:13
  I'm not gonna go back and f... You know?" Yeah. It's not worth it. So, you know, on the one hand, and I'm sure my children would completely disagree with this, like, they prefer their mom, which they should, but I do...
• 5:27
  I like to think that it's a little simpler 'cause there's only one voice, and they're like... You know, pretty quickly, they're like, "Okay, uh, there, there's nowhere to run." Yeah. Yeah.
• 5:38
  Though we did get the home phone, and they have called her 77 times over the past week to com- I just walk by, and they're just complaining about me, which again, fine, healthy. That's great.
• 5:47
  But she's like, "Sorry, guys. I can't really do shit about it." But I'm sure they would prefer if it wasn't my one voice as opposed to hers, but yeah, I don't know. I mean, it's so busy now.
• 5:57
  There's not a lot of killing time like we- Yeah... used to have when they were little. You know, they got school. They're out the door. I'm still fighting with them to put on a rain jacket.
• 6:05
  Th- you know, this morningIt's been pissing cold rain for four days, and this morning one of them was, like, walking out the door. I said, "No, no, no, no. You've already got, like, a cough.
• 6:16
  Please put on your rain jacket. Come back inside and get it." He goes, "It's in my backpack." "Why? W- What? But it's raining now. You're in the rain now." He goes, "I know, but I'm gonna dry off."
• 6:25
  "Just, could you put it on?" Comes back inside, doesn't put it on, goes back outside. Like, "What are you, what are you doing?" I was like, "I'm out."
• 6:32
  Because the big thing we've talked about a lot recently, I was talking to my wife remotely, was they're at the age now where, especially when someone is solo parenting, not single parenting, but especially, especially if someone is a single parent, like, kids get to the age where I do believe they have to be responsible for their actions if it's going to affect anyone else in the family.
• 6:53
  Yeah. Right? Which is like, great, you can procrastinate and get a shitty grade. Like, that's on you, but you can't yell at me to take you to buy Valentines the night before when, like, I got shit to do. Yeah.
• 7:04
  I got two other kids to drive places, but... So anyways, but also, if you get sicker, that's my problem. Yeah. So put on the fucking rain jacket.
• 7:11
  Every parent reserves the right to, you know, choose the mountain they die on or not die on, and yeah, if you don't put on the rain jacket most days, it's no big deal.
• 7:20
  But also if that is, like, the tipping point, and you've been an asshole repeatedly for several days or whatever, and this is like the 122nd time, like, you are allowed to snap and go off, you know?
• 7:32
  And I was laughing 'cause I just saw a n- newsletter about, like, here's the science behind why your kid refuses to wear a coat, and I just wanted to...
• 7:38
  I really wanted to like, to comment, like, "Is it 'cause they're a dick?" I don't, I don't, I don't care. It's a one-line article. Are you fucking kidding me? I seriously don't care why they wear a coat or not.
• 7:46
  'Cause he thinks there's a better than a coat. Great. Yeah. You're a fucking idiot. Yeah. You're wrong in a thousand different ways. [upbeat music] So we're on a big cleaning streak right now.
• 7:56
  As you can imagine, I'm very annoying about it to my children. But we're trying to dial it down to the essentials at home.
• 8:03
  So whether you're an appliance, a piece of furniture or clothing, whatever, you gotta earn your spot. Everything's got a place.
• 8:12
  Everything has utility, which is hard with kids who constantly bring things into the house, and all their stuff, and it's really hard when you're trying to feed them constantly.
• 8:22
  And there are various appliances that are advertised to you that can literally do one thing that honestly can't justify the counter space. But I'll tell you what does.
• 8:34
  It's the Mill Food Recycler, and holy cow, does it ever. It doesn't even go on the counter, by the way. It goes on the floor like a sexy trash can. It plugs into a standard outlet, and voila, no more food waste.
• 8:48
  Got peels, bones, stalks, whatever, leftovers? Put them in there, and then while you sleep, the Mill automatically turns on, dries, and grinds them, and it doesn't smell at all. It's crazy. Again, let's rehash.
• 9:01
  Not only does it not stink up the house, or two, cause leaky trash bags, which are disgusting, and three, send leftover food to the landfill to turn into waste and then methane and then rising oceans, it actually makes you feel good because it grinds up all of your food waste into these adorable grounds you can use in the garden, you can give to a local farm.
• 9:24
  You can put them right in the green bin. You can even ship back to Mill via postal service pickups like it's Netflix in 2003. Anyways, a delight, a game changer.
• 9:34
  You guys can get $75 off right now when you go to our special site. I'm gonna read it to you, but you should know the link is right in the show notes, and you can just smash your finger against it.
• 9:44
  It's mill.com/lp/important-not-important. Can I remember that? No. That's why we put the link right in the show notes.
• 9:55
  So anyways, huge thanks to Mill for doing the right thing and trying to cut down on food waste, most of which comes from our homes, for sponsoring our work, and of course, thanks to you listeners for always supporting our partners.
• 10:07
  [upbeat music] So I would love to use your New York Times article from 2019, which was, everything was great, to sort of guide this conversation in some way, 'cause I thought your tips were very relevant
• 10:22
  and evergreen, but obviously, again, they change for everybody all of the time, and it depends on their age and things like that, but it's really mostly about our partners, right? Yeah.
• 10:31
  Well, and also what we think is important as parents versus what actually is important, and I think a little bit about main character syndrome as well as- Mm-hmm... as parents, you know.
• 10:42
  Like, I remember learning the hard way, and this is something that probably inspired this article.
• 10:47
  I think it was one day where the kids, we'd done all the things, and they were quietly watching a TV show, and my husband was somewhere, and he said, "Can we Zoom right now? Can we FaceTime?"
• 10:57
  A- and, you know, the kids didn't wanna get off the screens, and of course they are idiots in front of the computer- Mm-hmm... and they don't wanna talk, and, you know. Mm-hmm. And I was like, "No, we can't."
• 11:05
  Like, and ever since then we've kind of had a, a when you're gone, you're gone kind of- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm... mentality.
• 11:10
  Like, like, you can save up all your great stories if you want to, and even now with our older kid, you can text him. But it is just harder to maintain a level of communication, and- Mm-hmm...
• 11:20
  you know, the parent who's away may feel like they are missed or that it provides some kind of connection to the kids, but honestly it is, like, a lot easier to just have an executive order.
• 11:30
  And kids don't communicate the way, you know, that we'd like to think, like, "Mommy," you know, and talk- Mm-hmm... about their day and things like that. That's not really how that works, so. No.
• 11:39
  And another one was souvenirs, 'cause my husband would come home with pieces of shit he'd bought at the airport, like a magnet. Mm-hmm. You know, and I would be pissed even though...
• 11:49
  This is so trifling, but if you've been there, you understand.
• 11:51
  I have been doing all the joyless, thankless tasks and the feeding and the bedtime and the driving and whatnot, and then he comes home with something he got from the airport, and he's Mr.
• 12:00
  Fun Dad with the present that- Mm-hmm... you know, and if you looked in our... Ugh. La- sidebar later about how my husband wants to bring home a drum set, and I'm like, "Where is that gonna go right now?"
• 12:09
  But, you know, they don't need stuff, and I didn't really appreciate that he comes home and he's the fun dad with the presents where I'm, like, I'm the, the bitch who's been like, you know, "Fish sticks for dinner again."
• 12:18
  You know, so yeah, these are weird little things that you wouldn't think about. And then one more rant before I stop talking. You were saying, like-And br- having your wife show up to soccer, you know, kids don't...
• 12:30
  I don't wanna say this across the board, but being at soccer is sort of less important than the getting the stuff together and driving them- Mm-hmm... to soccer and- Mm-hmm... you know, taking them home.
• 12:41
  So, you know, like, kind of you start to evaluate what really is important from the- Mm-hmm... caretaking point of view versus the presence point of view. But, yeah, that was a fun piece 'cause I got to talk to...
• 12:52
  There was a parent who had a military spouse who was gone a lot, and I talked to a gay couple and the dynamic slightly of two dads, you know, versus a mom and a dad were pretty interesting.
• 13:02
  Well, it's all so crazy, and it's like, do you have a choice? Is this a work you chose? There's so many different things. So let's talk about your first tip here. Arrive and depart conscientiously.
• 13:14
  What have you guys learned about how your family does it, and, like, where have the landmines been that you've lost legs to? Well, my kids are not crazy anxious and would not, like, melt down per se.
• 13:26
  My husband's the one who travels more than me, but I- it is the coming home that can be tricky, and I would find that if he got home right around bedtime, that would be pretty stressful for me because- Mm-hmm...
• 13:39
  you get so close to the end zone, and then Dad's home, and then you're set back 15 yards 'cause they're all fired up, and- Mm-hmm... you know, and he has all his stuff and his, like, outside smell and- Mm-hmm...
• 13:50
  you know, his own energy, and you're kinda like, "I wish you could've just stayed out and had dinner and waited until they were asleep," even if you wanna see them. I think we learned something similar.
• 13:58
  We've definitely had the same thing. "I'm gonna blow in right when they're going to bed, and it's gonna be great." I understand the sentimentality, but it's a fucking nightmare for everyone involved every time.
• 14:07
  It got to the point where I, if she was the one coming home, and I travel a lot less than her for a variety of reasons, but I would just be like, "Okay, good luck.
• 14:17
  I'm just gonna go for a long fucking walk, and you can tell me once they're in bed in four fucking hours or whatever it is, once they've calmed down." Again, I get it. You wanna see them. It seems sweet. It is not.
• 14:27
  It's not great. It... Yeah.
• 14:28
  And that's something else that I appreciated from working on that article, talking to a military spouse, was that a mom said that just, like, standing out, with, like, the big military homecoming is, like, great for a commercial, you know?
• 14:39
  But in reality, she talked about waiting there in the rain with her toddlers, waiting for the bus to show up to the base, and she was like, "We don't do that anymore." It is way more low-key.
• 14:48
  The payoff is just not great, like- Mm-hmm... when it comes to the kids and their routine.
• 14:52
  So yeah, I think if you have kids who are really anxious about having a parent go away, having a big send-off might not be the best routine.
• 15:03
  You know, a quiet Irish goodbye kinda situation is- Leave at 4:00 in the morning. Yeah. It sounds terrible, but sorry. Yeah. She's... They're gone. Yeah.
• 15:11
  Our younger kid, the ADHD one, who, you know, he gives us a lot of wonderful... He keeps us busy. Mm-hmm. But yeah, he'll ask my husband to...
• 15:19
  He'll be like, "Wake me up to say goodbye," and, and I'm like, "Okay," but actually, no, we're not doing that. No, no, no, because then guess what? You're gone. Yeah. And I'm dealing with a child who's up two hours.
• 15:30
  Yeah, that's a no.
• 15:31
  And there are two different points of view, but the parent who is working is working, and they have their work stress, but the parent who is home has the kid stress, and frankly, being able to work without having to put someone to bed or just the idea of having your workday be over sounds really nice.
• 15:47
  Yeah. So you get a little bit of a disagreement about who has it harder, and to a certain extent, my husband and I don't even talk them.
• 15:54
  Like, we used to catch up when he was out of town, and we just stopped 'cause I was like, "We don't wanna get into the battle of who's more tired or who's more stressed out." And you...
• 16:02
  Those are just so inevitable, and we definitely had one. My wife was making a movie in New York, and the kids were... The third one didn't exist.
• 16:10
  But the first two were two and a half and one or some shit, and we had to live in New York in a rented apartment, and she was shooting a lot of nights 'cause it was, like, a young people movie.
• 16:20
  It was a shitshow, but these children cried themselves to sleep for three hours and every night, not just 'cause she's gone, but because they're in a fucking strange place in the city. And
• 16:30
  same thing, she'd be like, "Oh, I've had a long day," and I'd be like, "Oh, yeah, how'd that fucking go for you?" You know? And it was gnarly, but I w- I would also feel bad.
• 16:38
  Like, I sent her at one point a video of our daughter, you know the, like, little things they would learn to walk with, with the little wheels?
• 16:45
  And I sent her a video of, of our daughter doing that for the first time, and she basically quit the movie and was like, "I'm walking off set. What the fuck? What of the choices I've made?
• 16:53
  What a disaster, this and this." I was like, "No, no, no, no, don't do that. It's gonna be fine. It's g- like, who cares?" But it's...
• 16:59
  It can suck for everybody involved, but like you said, those fights about, like, who's most tired, once you get over
• 17:06
  needing to have those and acknowledge that it just kinda sucks all around and it's part of it, it's so much easier to just not do that. Yeah.
• 17:14
  I'd like to put it out there, sort of related, that I don't know who started this myth that it is a tragedy to not be present for your child's first time doing X, Y, and Z, because that is impossible, and if you are there, you don't even notice it, and you're not gonna remember it.
• 17:28
  No. It'll be the first time that you see it happen, but it's not like your kid is gonna be like, "Mom wasn't there the first time I-" No... lifted my head up on my own, so- Uh-huh. Right... time to do meth.
• 17:38
  Like, that's- [laughs] You know, but somebody put that out there in the world and just to make parents probably feel bad about putting their kids in daycare or something like that.
• 17:45
  But your kids are never more delightful and beautiful and sweet as when you're not there. So I'm sure- Mm-hmm...
• 17:51
  you at the time when you watched your daughter doing that, there was all kinds of bullshit surrounding that that probably made it less adorable, but then to your wife- Yeah...
• 17:58
  since it happened in a vacuum, it was the sweetest- Yeah... most dear thing that, that ever happened. Right.
• 18:02
  She comes running home from set, but what was not in the video, I'm sure my child had covered her T-shirt in poop at the same time. Yeah, she's walking, but it's a fucking time bomb. You know, it's, it, it's a lot.
• 18:13
  Speaking of the departing, though, we used to really struggle with when do you tell them mom or dad is going on a trip?Do you tell them a week out? A day out? When they're leaving? Is there a sweet spot?
• 18:27
  I guess it depends on your kids. It's kind of funny 'cause my husband is the one with the anxiety, so he would kinda be the one to be like, "Uh, I gotta get on the plane soon."
• 18:35
  So it's sort of like in the air in general, and then the suitcase is out, so they know it's gonna happen. And so- Mm-hmm...
• 18:42
  I really do count my blessings very often that my kids are not cra- super anxious, 'cause I know it can be a big deal, and I'm thankful for that. So it just kinda lives in the air a little bit. But- Mm-hmm...
• 18:51
  they're sort of c- you know, my younger son will suddenly sort of all of a sudden give a shit on the way out the door, but otherwise- Mm-hmm...
• 18:58
  they are like, "Oh, okay," you know, it's another thing that's happening, but they're not too interested in it. I love to inadvertently make them feel like shit for being sad that Mom's leaving.
• 19:10
  You know, I'll be like, "You guys, don't react that way," when all they have is, like, their primal instincts about the person who they've lived inside of for nine and a half months. [laughs] Mm-hmm. You know?
• 19:19
  And I'm like, "That's not fair to her." And they're like, "Well, I'm eight, so that's all I got." [laughs] And I'm like, take a step back an hour later, I'm like, "Goddammit," right?
• 19:27
  That's gonna be another therapy bill I'm paying for. I have a little card that my son wrote me. It says, "Happy day back."
• 19:34
  And it was, I went on, like, a writing retreat with some friends, and he wrote, "Dear Mom, I'm glad you had fun, but I'm glad you came back." And that was, like, the nicest- That's great. Yeah.
• 19:43
  That was exactly how you want a kid to feel. Yeah. Yeah, 100%. And I don't leave that often for a variety of, like, sentimental reasons. Also, I fucking hate flying, and everything's a pain in the ass.
• 19:56
  When I do get away, it's usually, like, truly a guys weekend. It's one of my best friends or two, and it's lying on a couch playing an '80s video game. There's no alcohol.
• 20:06
  It's just pasta, basically, and maybe some gummies. I'm under no illusions [laughs] that they miss me while I'm gone. Yeah. I think they're probably like, "Fuck yeah, we got fun Mom 24/7? That's amazing."
• 20:19
  But that leads me into y- your next heading here, which is "Don't Meddle." Mm-hmm. What were your lessons learned on, on that one?
• 20:26
  Y- when the parent is gone, they're gone, and you cannot from afar have your insight over how you should raise the kids while you are gone.
• 20:34
  And so, like for me, I don't really prefer to take the kids out to eat that much. I just...
• 20:40
  I think I did more when I was a drinker, 'cause there was something about going out to eat and working on that nice big glass of Sauvignon Blanc that was my, like, reward.
• 20:48
  And now, unless I have a friend with me or some other kids there, you know, it's just parenting but with more money and out in public, and I don't need that. So we eat at home a lot more.
• 20:57
  My husband, on the other hand, doesn't prefer to fix meals that much, so he takes the kids out a lot.
• 21:03
  And, you know, I think in the earlier days, I would've had a little bit of grumbling about the cost and the calories and the junk. 'Cause when my, when my kids go out to eat, they're not ea- eating tofu and vegetables.
• 21:13
  It's hamburgers and hot do- you know, whatever. But I'm not there, so it's not for me to say or give input on how he should be doing that, you know?
• 21:21
  Or I might come home, and if I could raise one eyebrow, I would, about how the laundry didn't get kept up with the way that I would while he was gone. But I wasn't there.
• 21:32
  That's your, sort of the price you pay is if you're not there, you cannot run the house from afar.
• 21:38
  And something that I thought was interesting from the article that was almost like, I don't know if passive-aggressive is the right way to say this, but I know, I have a friend who would make meals and freeze them for her family before she would go out of town, or another one who would, like, schedule stuff for the kids, and her husband was like, "You know what?
• 21:56
  This says to me that you don't trust me. Like, you don't think I can run things." Mm-hmm. So, you know, I think that is maybe on its own, this let him figure out plans or not.
• 22:06
  Like, you either learn the hard way that if you don't have something to do, then you're bored, but, you know, otherwise if you're traveling and you're like, "They better not forget that I set up this play date," or, "That the lasagna's in the freezer," then that's also, you know, a pain in the ass for you, and you're nagging in absentia, which is not fun.
• 22:22
  Yeah. So I'm the bad guy in that whole situation. The few times I do go away, and a- and again, I am fully aware of it. I'm aware I'm doing it in the moment.
• 22:32
  It's one of those, like, Homer Simpson, "Don't say it, don't say it, don't say it." And then you're like, "Why didn't they go to the swim practice?" Mm-hmm. And you're like, show me how that's helpful. Mm-hmm.
• 22:40
  Show me how that's made anything about the person at home who's taking care of these three morons and going to all the different shit any better. Were you there for the tirade beforehand? Were they faking leg cramps? No.
• 22:51
  Fuck you. And I earn every part of that. Even,
• 22:57
  so we graduated in our relationship from my wife really, she didn't understand my need, and I don't think I truly understand it, my need to work out every day early in our relationship, and now it's, "Please leave and go for a run," because it, it's better for everyone.
• 23:11
  Just the fact that you're not here is better for everyone, but then also you come back with the good chemicals and everybody wins.
• 23:17
  But, you know, now, it was, like, a week ago, you know, she said, "Please just go to the gym, and do everything you need to do there [laughs] for however long it takes." Mm-hmm.
• 23:27
  "I'm gonna take the kids and, like, a friend." I'm like, "That's a lot." And I thought I was being helpful. I was not- Oh... turns out, being helpful. 10 minutes into it, not even.
• 23:37
  They weren't even out of the neighborhood, and I call them from the other car I'm getting into, and I go, "Tell you what, why don't I meet you guys for lunch first, and then you can go to this thing?"
• 23:43
  Ah, the options, yes. Not only is it options, but of course she picked up in the car while the kids are on speakerphone. Mm-hmm. So now they know that there's an option, which is like parenting 101.
• 23:54
  Like, you don't- Right... fucking talk about the options in front of them. And she had already sold them on a whole plan, and she was confident, and she was like, "I'm gonna do this," and then I just, grenade from afar.
• 24:04
  Yeah. Thought it was fun, and later, "Oh," you know? She's like, "Why do you have to do that?" Yeah. And I'm like, "I don't totally know, to be totally honest. I would like to not have to do that."
• 24:16
  And again, that wasn't even the, like, the, "Why didn't they go to practice?" Or, "Why'd they just eat shit at Grandma's thing?" It was truly like, I was like, "Oh, I thought I was being helpful."
• 24:23
  And it's like, no, if you're not there-You're out. That is so much easier to just do. I do think, and you know, we can talk about the military thing too, 'cause this area is super, really heavy military.
• 24:35
  My buddy's a submarine captain and leaves for a year at a time and all this stuff. But one thing
• 24:41
  I always wanna be conscious about talking this stuff, not only just single parents or military spouse, whichever way it goes, or both, is also like the difficulties
• 24:51
  of the parent being left behind or the parent who's leaving when there's a chronically ill kid, right? Of any, of any kind. A child who is struggling in any way, right?
• 25:00
  We have a friend whose child gets a shot in their eye once a week, you know, and has gotten that from two to seven. Yeah. And you... It's a lot to leave, 'cause you are leaving somebody with some hard shit.
• 25:13
  Did you talk to anyone like that or have you experienced anything like that with the blog?
• 25:16
  I, I always wanna keep in mind it's not just, "Oh, we can fucking Instacart whatever we want and make it easy and they won't go to bed."
• 25:22
  I mean, there's so many varieties that I have a friend whose kid has anxiety that makes her extremely school averse and, you know, like her parents have had to pick her up and bring her to the car to take her to school and there's like this whole, uh, I mean that's not as, you know, dramatic as the shot in the eye or a kid who has to have a feeding tube, you know.
• 25:39
  But like- Yeah...
• 25:40
  the management around that and the parents' reaction to that and kind of figuring out like how much th- now do we put our foot down, you know, about normality and routine versus like it's time for a mental health day for us all.
• 25:52
  And like the world at large, it's funny, I wrote a piece about this a long time ago, that before I had kids my coworker who was a single mom, to me it seemed like she was always out with a sick kid.
• 26:02
  And I would sort of be like, "Kim's out again. Okay." Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And then I got a kid and I realized if you don't have kids you cannot grasp how often they are sick. It's astounding how frequently.
• 26:13
  Yeah, I've got three. Someone is sick all the time. And you're like, I would rather be at work. 100%, I'd rather be at the office- No question... like dealing with Linda's bullshit than being home with my sick kid.
• 26:25
  I'm not glad the election happened but I've finally been knocked offline l- enough that I have ceased sort of engaging in these conversations.
• 26:32
  But it is so easy to go online and just find people who, I mean not to take anything away from people who don't have kids, like they have their own struggles and the systems are fucked.
• 26:41
  But you know, they're so easy to find people who are like, "I have to do all this work 'cause my coworker's kid was sick again 'cause they decided to have kids and I shouldn't," you know.
• 26:49
  And so to not even have another spouse to come home to always be the on-call parent for that, I can't even... You know, I wish I had a jar I could put I'm sorry money into that goes to all the, the parents.
• 27:01
  I mean we had to go to two allergy appointments last week and then a different kid which fucked up my workout time and then my other kid we finally started like three weeks late antibiotics for a sinus infection that he's clearly had for like a fucking month.
• 27:16
  And doing chilled antibiotics out of a syringe twice a day and I'm just like, "I, there's not a lot left in the tank here. Are you fucking kidding me?"
• 27:25
  But no it's, the parent with the constantly sick kid much less a single or solo parenting parent or, or whatever the situation is, or by the way you might have your own shit also 'cause we've all got something.
• 27:35
  Oh my God the long COVID parents like where you're like, oh man I thought I kind of just had long-term COVID just by being a parent but then to hear- Right...
• 27:44
  the, you know if like Lyme disease or long-term COVID and you're like when you can't get out of bed you know. I can't even imagine.
• 27:52
  Now just back to the like the options and the checking in or just being gone when you're gone.
• 27:56
  My husband he's gotten better but he didn't always used to go out as much as, as I wanted him to 'cause I certainly take my time with no apologies.
• 28:04
  I have no sisters, no daughters, no like I need my friend time and- Yeah... for a long time he would go out to something and he would ask me repeatedly, "Are you sure if it's o- it's okay?"
• 28:15
  And I, it would have been my idea and I would get kind of, I would get mad. I'm like, "Who do you think I am? You think I'm not capable?" Mm-hmm.
• 28:20
  "Or just 'cause I complain about the kids or am resentful you think I'd rather you be here? Like you're gone."
• 28:26
  So st- like I would turn from being like fine with him being gone to almost being angry that he was checking to make sure that it was okay.
• 28:34
  So and yes don't ever call your spouse in the car with the kids unless it's an emergency, unless you're telling them to turn around.
• 28:42
  Yeah and even then revisit what emergency means to you because it's just not fuck- their entire existence right now is an emergency.
• 28:48
  Yeah I mean it's a hard one because you, you have to separate yourself quite physically and mentally and intentionally from the day-to-day where you two struggle through all those things and go okay my guilt if any of not partaking in this hour or day or 10 days or whatever it is versus their capabilities and are they gonna run out of seam and how will they handle this and that kid better not be a dick to them etc.
• 29:13
  etc.
• 29:14
  It's a lot and ag- again it's process and you hopefully figure it out better but again I think of you know all, all the military people around here and, and my buddy you know so he, he was ROTC 18 years old Notre Dame signed up for the subs like these children don't know any other life this is what it was gonna be.
• 29:31
  And he met his wife one of my best friends when they were like 15 she knew this is it that doesn't mean you're always happy that this was the life and also like you want the pension you're staying until 42 that's- Uh-huh...
• 29:42
  that's the deal.
• 29:43
  And subs is gnarly can't tell anybody when you're leaving when you're coming back there's no phone calls there's maybe two phone calls in 10 months if you're actually underwater plain text emails maybe once a week when you surface like it's a sh- there's no checking it [laughs] like there's- Yeah...
• 29:56
  not a lot of hey did they get their medicine tonight it's totally different but there is this interesting expectation difference which is just like this is our life. Mm-hmm.
• 30:07
  You know and it's not just like dad works late or mom works late or mom has to go to conferences every quarter and speak or attend or whatever it is it's just like this is it I mean he missed most of their first 10 birthdays you know and they were like we don't know any other life which maybe is helpful but also- Yeah...
• 30:24
  difficult there's no choice.When I wrote that, I wrote that piece five years ago, and that was pre-COVID.
• 30:29
  And I have to say, it depends on obviously whether what kinda kid you have and what your life is like, but it gets so much easier, at least in my case, as they just get older, just in terms of they wipe their own ass.
• 30:41
  You know? Yeah. Sometimes they can fix their own breakfast. Not doing daycare, not doing car seats. Like, the fact that they can take... Just I'm so grateful to have...
• 30:51
  As much as I look back on the old pictures and videos, I'm like, "What happened to the sweet little baby?" Like- Mm-hmm... you know? When, that you can say, "Go get your shoes on." Just things like that.
• 30:59
  It does get so much easier.
• 31:01
  So if there's anybody listening to this who is, like, dying 'cause they are at home, you know, with a spouse or a partner out of town and they're dealing with their little kid, that part does get easier, which I'm very thankful for.
• 31:11
  You know, my kids are on this summer swim team, and I see it when we travel, too, and we were this family, three very small children close in age traveling across the country with so much shit 'cause they're so small, and bottles and breast milk and the whole fucking thing, and diapers and shit up their back, and you're in the family bathroom at the airport.
• 31:29
  But I see, you know, again, this summer swim team, families that got three young kids and they're trying to do it. [laughs] There's this one mom, and I f- I forget, it's been, like, two seasons.
• 31:37
  I think their middle child is named Quinn, and I always forget by the time the season starts.
• 31:42
  We had, like, a fundraiser the other night, and I'm sitting across the room and I hear their mom just go, "Quinn, get over here." And I was like, "Fuck. Fuck."
• 31:49
  'Cause I'm just so used to being in trouble, and understandably so. And I was like, "Oh, no, that's a kid." But I also immediately am like...
• 31:55
  And I went and told her, I said, "Look, this is probably just gonna make you annoyed, but it does get fucking easier." I understand. Yeah. At any given moment, you're like, "Are they dead? What are they doing?
• 32:04
  Are, should they be eating that? Why aren't they listening?" This and that. Yeah.
• 32:07
  I think depending on the point of, of what you're going through, hearing unsolicited advice can go either way, but I think it's much better to say, "It gets better," than to say, "You'll miss this someday."
• 32:16
  Oh, that's so fucked. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, don't do that. Don't do that. I, again, will do things like that quite often. I'll be like, "Well, we've only got this one life." My wife's like, "Jesus fucking Christ."
• 32:28
  [laughs] Like- When will it end? Yeah. [laughs] Right. She's like, "Is it just one? Can it, can it stop now?" Promise? Yeah. [laughs] Yeah. "Tell me I don't have to do this again." Yeah. It's, it's a lot, man.
• 32:41
  But it is a funny thing that you really, again, don't...
• 32:44
  Even the most full, functioning family that might have grandparents around or even, you know, affordable childcare or help or whatever it might be, if there's a child or multiple children or, or a parent or any combination of that, much less if you're also parenting your parents,
• 33:01
  on a even daily basis, like, how much exponentially harder it is. And again, part of it is our support systems are fucking terrible, but it's also just, forget the logistics, like, it is so draining.
• 33:13
  And you really, like you said, you're at work and you're like, "Oh, Linda's fucking kid has bronchitis again." And you're like, "Yeah, that's probably killing Linda." Yeah.
• 33:23
  She would rather be just typing emails, for sure. 100%. TPS reports. So talk to me about, this is the big one, dive in when you get home. What's the policy there now, and how did you get there?
• 33:35
  I mean, that one is not that hard. I mean, I'm thankful 'cause my husband, to be fair, one that we... Like, I try not to guilt trip him while he's gone, you know? Mm-hmm.
• 33:44
  Or make him think that he's a jerk when he comes back. But he does his, his own way, but he comes home, and he immediately does bedtime, you know? Mm-hmm. Or he'll do the driving so I can just be done.
• 33:54
  There will be, sometimes there'd be a time where he'd come home from a trip, or I hear about this from other spouses, and they are tired, and it is, it's like blue balls, where you're like, there is a fully functioning other parent there- Mm-hmm...
• 34:06
  and they're not doing anything. And it's even worse, 'cause now you have to talk to them, and their stuff is there, and the kids, their energy might be thrown off. Mm-hmm.
• 34:12
  So it's, if you can help it, get home and do your shit. And if you can't help, then be gone. You know, lock yourself in the bedroom, make yourself a non-presence. Mm-hmm.
• 34:22
  But if you can't help and you're there, it's almost worse than nothing.
• 34:26
  So, you know, I sadly have friends whose spouses are kind of helpless, you know, man-children, and they cannot dive in, but I'm thankful that I have a husband who, I mean, the bar is so low, sorry to say. But- No...
• 34:38
  you know, but he does the damn thing, and he'll take them out to dinner right away so I can clock off and, you know, watch Antiques Roadshow and do a crossword puzzle or whatever it is that, you know, my tiny little life that gives me meaning.
• 34:51
  So that, I think, is just what parents want, is just to just have a break, just be done for a second. So if a parent comes home and they're not dying of jet lag, to just be ready to dive in and not complain about it.
• 35:03
  Don't critique what the house looks like. Just get in, and, you know, you'll all catch up as you all reacclimate to each other. I mean, how do you guys- Yeah, it's, I mean, as usual, she's a better...
• 35:15
  Well, I mean, sh- bar none, like, a better person than I am, and better parent, but I'll come back from a g- again, guys' weekend. Heart rate doesn't get above 60 unless it's, you know, reheating the lasagna.
• 35:25
  She'll be like, "Take it easy. Do you need anything?" Yes. You know, "Take your time. I'll take the kids. Easy entry." Well, you know, and I tr- again, I'm cognizant of it.
• 35:34
  She comes back in, I try not to be like, "Best of luck." But at the same time, I, again, I wanna acknowledge, like, they, I'm sure they appreciate it.
• 35:43
  We have some really nice times when she's gone, and it is good dad time, and we really do to connect and all this stuff. But I mean, when she comes back, it's, you know, Bieber walking in the door.
• 35:51
  They're fucking pumped. Aw. Like, they don't want it. They're like, "We made it. We survived dad 2025."
• 35:58
  [laughs] And I get that, man, and so whatever the happy bridge is, I try to be of, like, give mom a few minutes to unpack and take a moment and hop in the shower or something like that. You need a minute.
• 36:07
  It's the whole when you go on vacation, and then you need another day before you go back to work. Take a minute.
• 36:12
  But then you're excited to see them, too, and then they do something annoying, and you're like, "Why did I come back?" You know? Yeah.
• 36:17
  You know, I come back from things, 'cause I, like, I don't take work trips so much anymore, so when I do go away, it's usually for socializing, so it's hard to justify to me that after my weekend- Yeah...
• 36:27
  you know, dancing around a fire with my friend, like- [laughs]... that I need- Right... quiet time. So I do- Right...
• 36:32
  and I do, will, you know, kind of be, like, th- in the car being like, "Oh, I gotta put the kids to bed," but just be like, "Well, he's been doing it for three days for, you know, quote, quote, 'free,' so I gotta get into it and do it with a smile, you know, or at least not a grimace."And not, you know, bitch and moan about it.
• 36:47
  So I think just getting in that head space of being ready to be a team player right away.
• 36:51
  And also, this sounds so dumb, but in terms of if you come home with a lot of shit and your spouse, like, activates with, like, stuff around the house, like, take your luggage, unpack right away. You know? Or- Mm-hmm...
• 37:01
  move your luggage to the basement. Like- Mm-hmm... 'cause that is a weird transitional thing for some people, where someone comes home and you've been doing all this stuff, and now all their physical stuff is there.
• 37:11
  You know? Or the laundry is lingering in the laundry room for several days, and you have to look at it. Like, just be mindful of it, kind of taking care of your, the evidence of yourself being there.
• 37:22
  Like, depending on what, you know, pisses people off, and for me, 'cause my kids just leave trails of junk behind them 'cause they just have no mind for, they have no consideration for anybody else. Mm-hmm.
• 37:32
  So that can set me off where I've been, like, making sure everyone puts their shoes away, you know- Mm-hmm...
• 37:37
  or, or whatever, and then all of a sudden there's just, you know, laundry explosion in the front hall 'cause he, you know, is tired s- from that. So, you know, within reason.
• 37:45
  I am usually a complete fucking bitch, but sometimes not.
• 37:49
  No, but it's interesting, and again, you've been doing this, you've been with your partner for a long time, and you've now had kids for a long time, and you hope you learn some things.
• 37:56
  And the other side of that is also, like, owning your psychosis in, in some way. So I get a day-to-day basis ton of anxiety from stuff being all over the house.
• 38:06
  One child every day leaves a pair of underwear on, like, our one, like, nice bathroom that guests, we don't have guests, but theoretically would use. Stuff everywhere.
• 38:16
  And, or just, like, again, put your shoes in the shoe bin, not adjacent, in it. In it, 'cause it's right there. It's so close. You're so close. Any amount. And so
• 38:25
  applying that to, like, all of us coming back from a trip, or me, or even just my wife, they will not even be, like, out of the car yet, and I am unpacking and putting everything in the laundry 'cause I'm like, "I just gotta get this shit out of here."
• 38:38
  It's better for me or else I'm gonna bitch at everybody about their stuff.
• 38:41
  Their job is bring me your suitcase, and I'm gonna, I'm gonna empty the whole fucking thing, and they're gonna go in the attic before you even realize it. Because- Oh... otherwise, I'm just gonna be mad dad about it.
• 38:49
  And it's the same- Yeah... with her shit, where I'm just like, "Just give it to me. Let me, let me deal with it," because I know I'm crazy, fully get it. Yeah. But let me- Yeah... but also, guess what?
• 38:58
  Congrats, you're unpacked. That is a really helpful thing for relationships.
• 39:02
  Like, I think my husband said once, and I remember doing this 'cause he, the way he told me about it helped me, but he's like, "To keep me from having to murder you, can you close the cabinets all the way?"
• 39:13
  'Cause I guess I would just leave them open, like, an inch. And the, for, the way he phrased it was that it is not necessarily something I'm doing wrong, but that it activates his own mental health issues.
• 39:23
  Like- Mm-hmm... it was like, "I know I'm crazy, so help me not be crazy by doing this thing that makes me crazy." It goes a long way though, right? Owning your shit.
• 39:32
  Because again, kinda like how you grow up and you realize your parents are people and you're like, yikes. Yeah.
• 39:36
  Realizing you are people as well, and again, th- you know, my wife was talking recently, a friend of hers had a breakup, and you're kinda nitpicking, like, "Oh, this little thing he does drives me crazy, and what if it blooms into something else?"
• 39:46
  It's like, you gotta forget 9/10ths of that shit because that's just life. [laughs] It's like- Yeah... it's not that you have to settle, but there's that shit.
• 39:53
  But those things about yourself, same thing, where I'm like, I just, I went from I really just need everyone in the house to flush the toilets, everyone, to I'm just gonna do it because it drives me fucking crazy.
• 40:05
  Like, I- Mm-hmm... I can't yell at everybody all the time. Not fun for them, doesn't feel good to me, and so I'm just gonna do it. Yeah. Oh, yeah, we have so many things like that. Like, how our kids...
• 40:15
  Yeah, like, their bathroom is full of bath towels because for some reason they collect all the bath towels and they just drape them around their bath.
• 40:21
  And, like, you know, I guess there is some universe where we find a, like, we put a hook on the wall or it gets some kinda hanger, but, like, in this economy, we don't have time- Mm-mm... for that. So- No, no, no...
• 40:30
  just that's just where all the towels go to die. And I can't, you know, on top of everything, on top of the dog's foot and the kids' ADHD medication and science fair, you know, just not right now.
• 40:41
  And something else I have kinda come to just give up on myself is I just run out of gas so fast at night. And I've stopped kind of apologizing and feeling bad about it.
• 40:50
  But like I said, my husband and I used to do these catch-up calls in the night of, like, how was your day, and I just kind of would resent them because I'd get the kids into bed- Mm-hmm...
• 40:58
  and be like, "I just wanna eat my Trader Joe's pasta and, you know, watch, I don't know, Veep for the 37th time.
• 41:05
  I don't really wanna talk to this guy who, you know, through no real fault of his own, you know, got me pregnant." And so we kinda save it. Like, and I- Yeah...
• 41:14
  sort of stopped wondering whether that's not romantic and that's just... I mean, do you guys do, like, a daily download catch-up kinda thing? I really... 7,000 things I've struggled with and continue to.
• 41:25
  It, the number's now, like, 6,999. Like, I've succeeded at one of them. I don't even remember what it was. You know, it's talking to the kids, talking to myself, talking to my wife.
• 41:34
  It's funny 'cause w- she and I were chatting last night, and she's three hours behind, and is everything she's doing out there, like, fun, press, party, celebrating these years of hard work and the world loving this thing?
• 41:47
  Is that easier than with the kids? For sure. But also, again, and I've always known this, and it was just the product of a bunch of different choices we both made over time, which definitely had its
• 41:58
  m- moments, and now just is what it is, is, yeah, well, she's also, like, carrying the family on her back. So that's it. Like, Wicked is, you know, that's our life.
• 42:06
  So it's less like how are you romantic and more, "Hey, thanks, man. I got this." Mm. You know? Mm-hmm.
• 42:13
  And we really try, we're like, whatever, eight days in, nine days in, and we really try to do the I'm not gonna bother you with shit while you're gone type of thing.
• 42:21
  No outgoing calls, m- much less incoming, but there was definitely [laughs] yesterday I called, no idea what her press schedule is or anything, and just called and was like, "You gotta deal with this motherfucker.
• 42:32
  Like, I got nothing. And again, I understand, like, you are working and you are doing the thing and it's great, but, like, this fucking guy, it's not happening." So it's both. It's all.
• 42:40
  It's still sometimes your ki- like, you have to, I mean, I, that was one of the pieces that, like, one of the chunks of the article I wrote on was just the acknowledging together that it's hard and not nece- like-I once, something my husband said early on with our kid was, "This baby is trying to break us up, and we have to fight against him."
• 42:57
  Mm-hmm. 100%. That might have been the thing that got me reading your blog by the way, is I was like, "Ah!"
• 43:02
  And I think, I mean, and my husband and I have had to like, really work on that because I've had to tell him over the years, I have to just complain sometimes, and I'm not necessarily complaining about you.
• 43:11
  This is not a personal attack, but you need to let me- Mm-hmm... if I can't vent and process, like, I'm gonna be even more upset. So don't apologize, don't take it as a critique, just let it happen.
• 43:22
  You just let me complain, you know? And so we work on that. My friend's husband was out of town, and he sent her a picture of him in front of some stadium. Who gives a shit? And it said, "Show my kid."
• 43:32
  And she was like, "I'm not gonna fucking show him. You show him." Does she send you...
• 43:35
  And she's objectively doing more interesting stuff than many traveling spouses, but does she send pictures or whatever of show the kids this? Yeah, sometimes.
• 43:44
  I mean, they're getting to the point where they both care more than ever and just don't fucking care about us- Oh... and our shit, how- however flashy it might be.
• 43:55
  And also for them, remember how long time feels when you're a kid. Wicked's been going on since, you know... When the f- the first trailer came out last Super Bowl. Yeah. They're like, "We're good. We're good.
• 44:05
  We've got all the shit. We've done all the things." So she will, but it'll be more like just trying to connect with them.
• 44:11
  We have this little dumb thing that's sweet where my daughter has, like, six stuffed dogs, different sizes, but they're all the same collection or something.
• 44:20
  It started because we would go back and forth to the coasts, and we got a duplicate. And I fucked it up- [laughs]... so they look like the original, and I put it in a closet just in case we ever needed it.
• 44:28
  Now she's got four of them. But my wife and I will take one of them on trips wherever one of us goes and, like- Oh, cute... take a picture of the dog wherever it goes. Whatever. I got a...
• 44:36
  Did I get, like, a passport on Etsy for the dog? 100%. Like, the whole thing. But I don't know. It's more shit like that. Mostly, honestly- Mm-hmm...
• 44:44
  and again, they've got their little iPads, and they can't text anybody else but us. Yeah.
• 44:47
  It's, it's literally the call is coming in from inside the house, but it'll just mostly be outgoing texts, like, complaining about me, or, "Can I watch four more hours of Netflix?" Oh. And she's like, "Sure." Yeah.
• 44:56
  And I go, "Great. Why do we have a screen time password if you just say yes every time?"
• 45:00
  Our son, who's not always the brightest, for some reason, I don't know if your kids do this, he takes screen grabs of, like, video games he's playing, and they go to the cloud. Oh, Jesus.
• 45:08
  So that's how we can tell if he's doing screen time when he's not supposed to. Mm-hmm. And my husband gets so mad 'cause his memory's being taken up by all these shots of Madden for some reason. Mm-hmm.
• 45:16
  But yeah, I've gotten, I've got a little bit better. Like, my husband will send me a picture, and be like, "Show the boys," and I wanna say, "You fucking show them when you get back," you know? Mm-hmm.
• 45:26
  But I just don't respond. Well, that's the thing. I've just realized nobody responds to me. They're... Like, when I leave, it's, you remember how kids didn't have object permanence? Yeah, exactly.
• 45:35
  They- if they're all at that point, they're like, "Fuck that guy." Yeah. "Thank- let's take our time here." And so I'll be like, "Oh, look at this picture. Daddy swam seven miles in the ocean."
• 45:43
  They're like, "Don't care." Yeah. Radio silence. Yeah. And I'm like, "Good for them."
• 45:46
  We used to joke, we used to clown on my dad, who was the sole breadwinner for the family, but he would travel a lot, and we used to joke that he probably thought that we were like, "Dad's gone," and you know, like, sitting there sadly without him there, you know?
• 46:01
  But yeah, when you're gone, you think that everyone misses you, but also you're gone, so get over yourself. That's it.
• 46:06
  And that's your, your prize/penalty for being gone, is that people aren't really thinking about you unless it's, like, your spouse who's cursing you for missing the norovirus or the nosebleed or, you know, the dog...
• 46:18
  I remember once, one of my proudest solo parenting times was my husband was out in California, and we had a, we had the polar vortex, and we had a frozen pipe and a baby. And I mean, I just remember being like, I did it.
• 46:32
  I did the damn thing. Like, we- Mm-hmm... we got through it, and we kinda had, some friends over. It was, like, almost fun in a weird way, and you just get through those little milestones together.
• 46:42
  So yeah, my husband now is going, he has three trips planned. I'm not making you...
• 46:48
  Something else that people bring up is they offer you the advice to just get a babysitter so you can go do things, which is, like, kind of a double-edged sword 'cause, like, getting a sitter, unless it's, like, your parents and they live right nearby and they don't need any extra advice, you know, or instructions, which not the case with my parents, like, it's a drag getting a sitter sometimes for stuff.
• 47:06
  So it is not the same to just go about your life as it was. But yeah, he's g- gonna be going away, and whatever. We've gotten better at all this.
• 47:15
  Like, you just sort of accept what you have to accept, and it w- if the kid is sick, someone will probably be sick. It's fine. It's better than having a sick infant, which we've been through.
• 47:25
  I was helping my nei- neighbor nebulize her infant a couple of weeks ago, and I was like, "Goddammit." Oh. Like, it's so much better when you have a kid, you can just be like, "TV, screen time, okay.
• 47:35
  Here's some crackers." Yeah. "You're able to eat solids, great." Here's, here's 40 ounces of Dimetapp. Finish it by tomorrow. Yeah. So yeah, it has gotten a lot better, but I certainly, when my husband...
• 47:45
  He also, to his credit, he will put the kids to bed preemptively the days before he goes out of town as well, so he kinda like- Mm.... buffers it. Okay.
• 47:53
  But for me, bed- I just don't, bedtime is not my favorite thing, so he will dive in with that, which is, which helps out. Bedtime's hard. I mean, I try to be honest with them now, where I'm like, "Guys, I really look..."
• 48:02
  I'll make them feel bad, first of all, and I'll be like, "I actually look forward to this all day, to seeing you guys," and things like this, which again, like, mistake on my part expectations-wise.
• 48:13
  But now I think they're of the age where I'll be like, "You know that I'm fucking tired too, right?" Mm-hmm. "And I know that I tell you, like, 'You get to be tired. You don't get to be a dick.
• 48:21
  Yes, you're exhausted when you're brushing your teeth, but that's when you should be tired. It's, that means you're d...' All the fucking shit." I just sit there and I'm like, "Yeah, I'm fucking beat, guys.
• 48:28
  Like, I would like for this to be going better or for me to be handling it better or for it to just be over and everybody wins, and you go read your dragon book, and I go read my dragon book, and it's great."
• 48:41
  Then we shake hands and turn out the light. Like, yeah. I know... Well, I don't know.
• 48:47
  I, I am warned, I am told that I will miss this someday, but, like, my older kid, he's graduated from the whole bedtime song and dance. Mm.
• 48:55
  And so now we say good night.I mean, I, I've been reading him a book lately, and so we read a couple chapters.
• 49:02
  But, like, he'll walk into his room, and he'll do whatever in there for a little while and then turn off the light. So I'm not singing to him. I'm not doing things like that.
• 49:10
  And I guess I should be mourning it, but I'm not. I'm happy that... When I'm like, "Good, take care of yourself. Put yourself to bed." Mm-hmm. I know he's in the house. I know he's safe. I said good night to him.
• 49:19
  But no, I'm not really sad that I have just jettisoned 15 minutes of the routine. I'm not. That's fine with me. 15 minutes? What the fuck kind of magician are you? Well, you know, he's the kid who used to head bang.
• 49:31
  Okay. And he would bang his head so hard in his crib that he got a scab from it. And have fun Googling that before you, like, know yourself and know your, your kid. And now he still does it- Oh, no...
• 49:41
  and we joke about it, and we can talk about it. But yeah, he's always been the good boy about bedtime, you know? Mm-hmm. Doesn't need extra hand-holding or whatever. So yeah, I'm not really sad about that.
• 49:52
  And I am much more joyless [laughs] when it's just us. There's just a lot more reading during mealtime, a lot more TV during mealtime. I will go away in my room and do my own thing, and they don't seem to mind it.
• 50:06
  And, you know, but it functions, and I'm not really overthinking it. And there's a lot less resentment than there used to be, a lot more confusion. And so it's gotten better, but we'll see.
• 50:17
  Sports season is gonna be upon us pretty soon, so the great coordinating of activities will be upon us. Mm-hmm. So I'm sure there'll be a lot more anger.
• 50:24
  I feel like that's a whole good conversation is, like, how are you handling transitions? And this specific one versus the last one, which is different, and you're different.
• 50:36
  And, you know, my oldest is similar with his bedtime routines now, and that's okay 'cause I can still lean on the two younger ones a little bit and get my beak wet from those.
• 50:47
  Little reading here and there, a little snuggling, and then I'm out of there. But it is gonna go away, and I'm, like, overly sentimental and already don't deal with time very well at all.
• 50:54
  But at the same time, sometimes he's like, "Yep, good night. Bye." I'll say, "I love you," and he goes, "Yep." And [laughs] I'm like, "You know what, buddy?"
• 51:02
  to myself, "You should take that 'cause in preteen, that's pretty great. We'll take it." But it's a whole... I think that's a whole different thing. Yeah. No, my son told me once, "You don't need to sing to me."
• 51:12
  And I was sort of like, "Mm, fuck you." [laughs] But also, "Okay. Honestly, all right." Yeah. Like, I have moved past, and this is my whole thing is just being like, "You know what? It's okay I don't like bedtime."
• 51:24
  That's not a- Mm-hmm... it's not a crime. That's, that's all right. Like, we're all in the house. We still have the same feeling of security, safety, contentment, relief.
• 51:33
  But I- being nighttime makes you feel like you gotta, you know, love every minute of it. And so, you know, if there's anyone out there listening who doesn't love bedtime, I'm here for you, and you're not a bad person.
• 51:44
  At least I say so, as a bad person, I will tell you. [laughs] Right. Certified by a bad person. Mm-hmm. Yeah, no, it's... No, you don't have to love every part of it. You don't have to leave.
• 51:55
  You don't have to love certainly being single parent for whatever reason or solo parenting however much you have to or choice you have in it. Or why did my spouse or partner pick this fucking job?
• 52:06
  Especially if it's a new one that they just willingly sign up for- Yeah... and they're like, "Great, I'm gonna have to travel every... or I have to commute, like real commute, three days a week."
• 52:15
  And you're like, "Oh, did you wanna ask what that means for me or everyone else?" It, it's, it's a shit show. It's fucking hard. You don't have to love it.
• 52:25
  I will say I've also learned not to be as much of a bitch as I, like, have wanted to be, and my husband is...
• 52:32
  You know, it goes both ways where I, as much as I've told him I need to vent sometimes, I also know it's not very fun for him. He does f- film shoots. He's working with a big crew- Mm-hmm...
• 52:43
  a lot of equipment, and he i- is not gonna be able to help me if I just download to him that the kid just threw up and also got a nosebleed, and the dog ran out the front door and almost- Mm... got hit by a car. And I...
• 52:55
  You know, like, whatever. Like, that just makes him feel bad. And even though at the moment I might want him to feel bad just so I can feel not alone, like, it doesn't help anything.
• 53:04
  So that is something that I've learned as well is just being like, know when it's helpful to express- Yeah... your frustrations.
• 53:11
  Like, we're very lucky in that we don't have a version of hourly jobs where you get no leave, right? Mm-hmm.
• 53:17
  Or every hour I'm not at this job, I could lose it, or we are not being paid fucking egregious, like, $12 an hour- That's crazy... or whatever it is. So sometimes that's just it.
• 53:27
  That's the life, especially for a lot of folks, which is, like, Dad can't help. Mom can't help. She's working the second job.
• 53:33
  And some, my kids see their teachers working at retail in the summer, and they're like, "Oh, that's cool. She's there." I'm like, "Yeah, she doesn't fucking want to." Yeah.
• 53:42
  "And she also doesn't teach because she loves the money." It's a shit show, but she has to, and that's the deal. But like you said,
• 53:50
  when you have the ability [laughs] to step back and go, like when I called my wife the other day and said, "Talk to this motherfucker," and you fix- Mm-hmm...
• 53:57
  this problem, that is actually more effective than me just complaining, 'cause what are they- Yeah... what are they gonna do? Right. Then you get mad. Yeah, exactly.
• 54:04
  Just the putting a middleman of frustration there, and, you know, there's just more people who are pissed. Yeah. So when she gets home, how- Mm-hmm... how long until the next round begins, or who, w- who leaves next?
• 54:16
  Yeah, she's leaving next. Again, she's gotten very good over the years that everybody wins when, when I do leave. So I get a lot of like, "You should plan a weekend with your friends, like, as soon as possible." Okay.
• 54:27
  And I'm trying to be better about that. But right now, it's been so crazy, so she'll be home, and then she leaves again in a couple weeks. She ended up getting a ticket to the Oscars. Very excited. Oh, wow. Yeah. Fun.
• 54:38
  I'm so happy she gets to be there. It seems like somebody else is gonna win Best Picture, but whatever. I mean, again, this'll... For anything of her work, could she write five more things that go to these award things?
• 54:48
  Of course. Is that in her control? No, not at all. No. So we're just trying to enjoy it. She'll leave again in a week and a half for that, and then... But that's three days. It'll be crazy. Good for you.
• 54:58
  Go, do your shit, celebrate, have fun. After that is when I'm gonna be like-I'm going into the woods. Uh-huh. And I'm gonna need a minute. Like- Yeah... so proud of you, so happy. Like, here's the schedule, go get 'em.
• 55:10
  Yeah. And I'm gonna really try hard not to fucking call from the woods [laughs] and be like, "Don't forget their soccer practice in an hour." Exactly. Miss me yet? Yeah.
• 55:19
  [laughs] One, one last very trivial question, but I'm- Yeah... always just curious. When she is gone and it is you, what is your usual dinner plan? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
• 55:27
  Like, when it's just you, how do you feed the kids normally? It depends on, like, you're talking about activities? Just dinner, week night dinner after school. Yeah, what are you... Are you more ordering in?
• 55:37
  Are you convenience foods? I'll try to do, I'll try to order in twice a week. We have a couple children who are still very picky, which is something I'm definitely trying to let go of because God knows it kills me.
• 55:47
  So try to be particular about that. We try to do, like, a lot of leftovers. I try to do just like, "Hey, here's the deal. This is what's in the fridge and now I'm gonna take it out."
• 55:55
  I did hear an idea the other night, it's possible this was in your blog- [laughs]... which is like DY- DYI night essentially. Uh-huh. Here's the deal, kitchen's open from 6:00 to 7:00, go get 'em, and that's it. Uh-huh.
• 56:07
  Cereal counts, everything counts, but I'm not responsible and it's fun for you, great. But I don't know, I try to do here's what we've got even if it's leftovers from takeout or whatever it is. This is what we have.
• 56:17
  I try to just only keep things in the house that we're totally fine with them eating, if not encouraging. And so a lot of times I'll just be like, "Look around and tell me what we wanna do.
• 56:28
  Here's how much time we have to work- Oh... with what we got." We're microwaving sweet potatoes, we're doing this. Like this is what we got.
• 56:34
  I mean the, the volume of frozen vegetables, which I cannot emphasize enough is one of the greatest parenting hacks of all time. Mm. They are just as nutritious if not more nutritious than the fresh stuff at the store.
• 56:48
  Cheaper usually and you can just keep 'em in your freezer forever. Microwaving that baby for four minutes in a little water and there, that's half your fucking dinner. I mean all the time. Oh. Peas, broccoli.
• 56:58
  So it's a lot of that shit. Every time I'm like, "Oh, you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna make our own veggie burgers tonight," it's a shit show. No. Every... Why? Yeah. Who's that, who's that for?
• 57:07
  [laughs] I learned that the hard way, like doing it to yourself of making a whole meal and to cook food and then to realize, joke's on you, you're washing these dishes- [laughs]...
• 57:18
  that you just dirtied and you're putting them to bed. So I don't do that anymore. I don't cook a meal. Like we, there's a lot of reheating. No. A lot of soup, fish sticks, big soft frozen pretzels. Mm-hmm.
• 57:29
  If they dip s- that in peanut butter that's protein to me. A baby carrot on the side.
• 57:33
  Like you're saying our, our fish sticks we've transitioned over time but now 'cause we're monsters and mostly plant-based, there's a brand of plant-based nuggets and it, it's somewhere in Europe, they're called Quorn.
• 57:46
  Q- Oh, with the Q-U, yeah... Q-U. They're so fucking good. Really? Quorn. They're so fucking good and I'll just get big bags. And three nights a week I'm like, "Here's some protein I don't know, like-" Yeah...
• 57:56
  "and here's your microwave vegetables." Eat it or don't. "And that's as good as it's gonna get."
• 58:00
  My, one of my other not right nows is that I like broke my stomach in the last month or two and I don't know how and I may have to start a routine of some restrictive food maps thing and I don't wanna...
• 58:11
  I just, I'm so angry about, 'cause it was things that were not bad for you but it's like Brussels sprouts and beans and broccoli and apples, things that I thought were healthy that apparently I just really don't have the time for this and I don't wanna deal with it.
• 58:25
  But also I cannot walk around looking like I'm 10 months pregnant when I'm not. Mm. So yeah, I'll figure that out, whatever. Just getting old is such a bad deal, you know? Mm-hmm. But anyway, grateful to be alive.
• 58:37
  But I do feel like if there's a, a takeaway from this conversation besides I promise it'll get easier and you gotta commit to it getting easier for everyone involved, right?
• 58:48
  For the kids to not see you fighting about the shit especially when someone walks back in the door or you're gonna leave and holding it against them. Of course there's always gonna be shit.
• 58:54
  Letting go as much as you can, like I think it's might be the like the last headline in your article, just lower your and everybody's expectations proactively like religiously 'cause why? Yeah.
• 59:06
  Who are you trying to impress? Yeah. Let it go. Don't think that you have to keep the houses clean. Don't think that you have to show up to everything. You are welcome to cancel a lot of things.
• 59:16
  My friend Christina, one of my favorite things that she does that when her husband goes out of town she takes them to the store and the kids can each pick out a fun box of cereal that they don't normally get to have- Great...
• 59:25
  and they eat that. I love that, you know? Or she said, "Some of great advice I got from another reader was be the fun babysitter."
• 59:31
  Whatever, the babysitter, whoever comes and does all the shit that makes your kids look forward to it and be that parent.
• 59:36
  I'm often the not fun babysitter but that's, some- sometimes just being the babysitter is, is fine. Yeah and, and honestly you know that's literally, you just repeated basically what my wife- Mm...
• 59:45
  told me on the phone last night. She's like, "You know you could look at this as a fun time." And I try to it's just sometimes it's fucking hard.
• 59:51
  But same thing like I was at the store with my kid the other night and we were getting something and he goes, "Well can we get these colorful Cheerios?" And I was like, "Red 4, we're not getting that."
• 1:00:00
  And I'm like you could just say yes one fucking time Bud. Yeah. Like you could say yes one time and do you know how tickled they would be? They'd be thinking about the box the whole way home.
• 1:00:09
  And you know who benefits the most? You, 'cause you're like, "Look at me." Yeah. Fucking killing it. When I'm like we're going to McDonald's for ice cream three, 'cause I thought of it and they're like, "What's the gag?
• 1:00:18
  Like where are we going? How many shots are we getting?" And I'm like, "Nope just your mom for once." Yeah being a genius. Whimsical as fuck.
• 1:00:27
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• 1:00:44
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• 1:01:17
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