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Isolation in Recovery: When Being Alone Becomes Dangerous · Recovering Out Loud

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Without further ado, there is a stage in recovery that nobody
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really talks about enough. It's not the chaos of active
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addiction. It's not the early panic of
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withdrawal. It's something much quieter.
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It's a stage where you just want to be left alone, right?
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You just want to be alone. Isolation.
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You stop answering texts. You don't call anyone.
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You stop showing up to things. You cancel plans that you made.
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Sometimes you don't even want to talk to people who care about
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you. Has anyone else felt like this?
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This happens to me way more than I'd like to admit.
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But getting current, as I said in my last podcast, is very
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important. We need to talk about the stuff
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and not complain about it. We need to process it and change
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it. Do better.
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If you the, the, the, the data is out, the research is out,
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that talk therapy doesn't work. If you're just constantly
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throwing your thoughts at somebody all the time and not
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changing anything. You're not working towards an
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active goal. So let's work towards an active
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goal. Let's do something about it.
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Hopefully this episode helps you OK, I I'm so I'm having one of
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those days today where I'm working from home and I'm
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sitting in self pity, right I'm sitting in oh, poor me.
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My life is not the way I want it to be right now, and I'm not
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going to call anybody about it because I like the way I'm
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feeling like this. And then I'm like, you know
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what? I'm going to check out today's
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daily reading because I do that from time to time.
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And you know how you get what you need to hear every once in a
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while. By the way, I went for a walk
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and that seemed to clear it up momentarily at least.
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I would say that in most cases, contact with another human being
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to ask them how their day is doing and getting outside of
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your house physically going for a walk will solve most of your
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self pity problems, most of your problems in general in my
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experience. But again, this is these are
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temporary things that we have to do deeper work on.
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So I open up the daily reflection and guess what?
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It's about the false comfort of self pity.
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How nice. I'm going to read this because I
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think it's so important to anybody going through this
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episode's going to be about isolation, but it all ties into
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self pity and isolation. These are the thought processes
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that go through my mind when I am sitting in self, when I am
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selfish, when I am thinking about me and my poor life.
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Self pity. So the false comfort of self
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pity. Self pity is one of the most
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unhappy and consuming defects that we know.
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It is bar. It is a bar to all spiritual
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progress and can cut off all effective communication with our
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fellows because of its inordinate demands for attention
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and sympathy. And check out this wording.
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It is a maudlin form of martyrdom, which we can I'll
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afford. Oh Bill, you bastard.
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Maudlin is essentially a self pitying form.
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I actually had to look it up, but it's a state of self pity.
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And instead of trying to sound smart, let me just read the
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definition. Maudlin.
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Excessively emotional, self pitying or sentimental,
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especially in a weak or tearful way.
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Jesus, that's so mean. In this passage, maudlin refers
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a kind of overly dramatic self pity where someone is
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emotionally indulgent in their suffering rather than
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constructively dealing with it. Oh, I love that.
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And then martyrdom acting, and I'm probably saying that word
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wrong, but the martyr to be a martyr acting as if you're a
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victim who suffers for others or for A cause.
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So being in the States, we can I'll afford, he says.
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The false comfort of self pity screens me from reality only
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momentarily, and then demands, like a drug, that I take an ever
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bigger dose. If I succumb to this, it could
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lead to relapse into drinking. What can I do?
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1 certain antidote is to turn my attention, however
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significantly, slightly sorry. Turn my attention, however
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slightly at first, toward others who are genuinely less fortunate
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than I, preferably other Alcoholics, in the same degree
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that I actively demonstrate my empathy with them.
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I will lessen my own exaggerated suffering.
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Oh, that punched me right in the fucking mouth when I read that.
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So what did I do? Well, I didn't call anybody
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because I'm stubborn, but I went for a walk and three of my
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friends called me. God doing for me what I could
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not do for myself. I don't know.
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That's how spirituality works in my life.
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When I'm suffering, when I'm struggling, people call me.
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Not all the time. But today they did, and I am out
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of myself. So I decided to do a podcast on
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isolation today to get out of my head, to get out of myself and
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to hopefully help one other alcoholic or addict listening to
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this or anyone listening to this.
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Because isolation and recovery is.
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I watched a video the other day that said you know what's more
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dangerous than alcohol? Isolation.
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Now I don't know about that, I disagree.
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But isolation is dangerous. It can lead to relapse, it can
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lead to self pity. It can lead to loathing and
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fear. Because when I am alone, I am
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not bouncing my thoughts off anybody.
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I am ruminating in my head about how shitty my life is when it's
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fucking great, things are going really well and I'm getting what
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I need, not what I I want. So shut up Anthony and help
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someone else. So the question after all this
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is, is this normal or is there something going wrong?
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Today we're going to talk about isolation in recovery, why it
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happens, what it can mean psychologically, and how to tell
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the difference between healthy solitude.
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So solitude being, let me look that word up too, because I am
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like to think I'm smart, but I'm not as smart as I'd like to
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think I am. So solitude, the state of being
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alone without necessarily feeling lonely.
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Solitude equals chosen healthy aloneness.
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Loneliness equals painful, unwanted isolation.
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Sometimes wanted isolation, maybe subconsciously.
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So solitude is often intentional.
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You choose it. Restorative helps you reset.
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This is like self-care routines. Yeah, there's a big difference
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between self-care and selfishness.
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Being self obsessed, it's being selfless is the goal in
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recovery. In my experience, my opinion,
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selfless is not thinking of yourself, thinking less of
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yourself, it's thinking of yourself less.
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So I need to think about myself less because I'm all I ever
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think about sometimes, some days, and I don't like that it
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doesn't feel good. Sometimes it does.
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So sometimes wanting to be alone is healing and sometimes it's
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the first step toward relapse. So first one, why isolation
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happens in recovery? One of the biggest shocks and
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sobriety is realizing how much your life used to revolve around
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substances. How much free time do you get
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back when you get sober? You don't know what to do with
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yourself. There's all this free time.
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I'm sitting on my computer working at home waiting for
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calls and I have a lot of time on my hands.
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I've done all my schoolwork, I've done all my podcast stuff,
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I've done all my videos, and I'm just sitting waiting for money
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to fall into my lap. I don't know what the fuck I'm
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waiting for. But not not a good place to be.
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You get a lot of time back, which is a beautiful thing.
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Now what you do with it is up to you.
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So I went for a walk and I sat by the lake and I meditated and
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I sat on the chair. I didn't look at my phone.
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It was beautiful. So the social structure around
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addiction included for me, bars, parties, hotel rooms, people you
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used with environments built around drinking and drugs.
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My whole life was revolving around how to get the next high,
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how to get the next fix, how to get the next drink.
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When that disappears, a huge piece of your social life
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disappears too. Suddenly you're left with all
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this space, a lot of space. Sometimes that space feels
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peaceful, but sometimes it feels empty.
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Many people in recovery isolate because they don't know how to
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socialize sober yet. So I wouldn't say that that's
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me. I mean, I don't like to
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socialize. My baseline is not.
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I don't wake up thinking, oh, I want to go for coffee with
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somebody today. That's not my default right now.
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At one point it was we'll get there.
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Old environments feel triggering.
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Old friendships were based on substance use.
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That's a big one. So all my friends are using.
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I don't know what to do now. I don't have any friends.
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This is why recovery spaces are so important because I need to
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get new relationships, new friends and they feel
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emotionally overwhelmed. Recovery strips away the
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distractions and now I'm just left with me.
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I always say this but you take away my medicine, I'm left with
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me and my thoughts and myself. Pity poor me.
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And when so when that happens, feelings show up.
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Substances used to mute. I'm left with my feelings.
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So I want you to think about this when you first got sober.
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When I first got sober I had to ask myself, do I actually enjoy
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being alone or am I hiding for life?
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This is the other funny thing about isolation and and spending
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time by yourself. I live with my wife, so my wife
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and I are are together a lot. So when I say isolation,
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typically, I mean staying at home, usually alone.
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Today was one of those days. The funny thing about this in
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recovery for me at least, is when I have things in the
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calendar that I I. So I look in my calendar
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nowadays to see times when I don't have things, I don't have
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plans, and then I get excited about that.
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Probably not a good place to be. That's just the season I'm in in
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my life right now. I get more excited about not
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having plans than having plans today.
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That might change. Hopefully it does because I love
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being social. I, I do.
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I like being with people. I like getting perspectives on
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things. I like talking about things that
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are going on. I like, I like that stuff.
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I had a good time when my friends called me and we talked,
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We caught up. One of my buddies that I haven't
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talked to in a while called me and we caught up.
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We were asked talking about his kids and it was fun.
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It was good. I like that.
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Sometimes I need to be pushed a little bit into that direction.
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And you know what's a good catalyst for change?
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Pain. So I guess with this point we're
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talking about why isolation happens.
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The question here is am I hiding from life or am I actually
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enjoying this? And do I enjoy this self-care?
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Do I enjoy being alone? Because a lot of us do.
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I'm a extroverted guy. I like to believe I'm an
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extroverted guy. I like conversations, I like
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parties, I like social events for the most part.
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But I I do enjoy being alone too.
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So 2 The emotional hangover of addiction.
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Many people expect the physical withdrawal to be the hardest
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part. But what surprises people is the
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emotional aftermath. I talk about this in my podcast
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about emotional sobriety. So if you want to talk,
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emotional sobriety is probably the most important thing for me
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in my recovery today. How are my emotions?
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How am I living in my life today?
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Am I being a good person? Am I doing the next right thing?
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Or am I cutting the guy off on the road outside?
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Am I not holding the door for people?
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Am I judging people? Am I yelling and freaking out of
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the guy on the bike when he's driving his Uber bike on the
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sidewalk? No, today I'm not.
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I'm able to recognize that emotion coming up.
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I want to get angry at this guy flying on the fucking sidewalk
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about to take out a family and just let it go.
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Nobody else is bothered. Why is this bothering me?
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This is a me problem, not a him problem or a society problem.
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When substances are removed, the brain has to rebalance, so
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research and addiction neuroscience indicates dopamine
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systems are often dysregulated after prolonged substance use.
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Our dopamine is through the roof where you we're setting the bar
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way too high. So when we come in, our dopamine
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is at the floor level and we need to recalibrate, which can
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contribute to low motivation and emotional flattering during
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early recovery. I don't really feel like doing
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anything. Now, a year and a half in,
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that's still kind of the case. I really don't feel like doing a
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lot of social things, and that's OK.
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I hope it changes. It might, if not, I got to be OK
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with that. But there are also things I can
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do now that it's, you know, nice outside.
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I can go outside and do things. I love being outside with
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friends. The funny thing is I have about
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1000 people in my phone book over the years in recovery
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circles that I can call on at any moment.
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A lot of which who live downtown that I would love to get a
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coffee with me. But I choose not to because I'm
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stubborn and I like to again sit and wallow in self pity because
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then I'm the victim. It's not my fault.
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I don't have to change anything that so this can show up as low
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energy, lack of motivation, social withdrawal and wanting to
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stay home. God I love being at home
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sometimes. This doesn't necessarily mean
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someone is doing something wrong.
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You're not doing something, anything wrong.
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This is a season in your life where you prefer isolation.
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Is it sustainable? Probably not, in my opinion.
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But sometimes the brain is simply recalibrating.
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Like I said, the danger is that isolation can quietly reinforce
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itself the less you go out. Oh my God this is so true.
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The less you go out, the harder it is to go out.
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The less I go to the gym, the harder it is to get my ass back
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in the gym. That's another thing.
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I went to the gym today too. I don't enjoy going to the gym
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today. I used to.
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I used to go seven days a week. I don't enjoy it anymore, but I
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do it anyways. And then when I'm there it's not
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so bad. The hard part is getting from
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computer chair to shoes on to headphones in to walking to the
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gym. That is the hard part.
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Once I crush that, excuse me, once I cross that threshold, it
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tends to work out. Things get better and again, I'm
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not having a great time at the gym.
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I'm going because I want to be healthy and it feels good when
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I'm done. The less you talk to people, the
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harder connection becomes, the louder that voice in your head
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gets. That person doesn't want to hear
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from me. I better not call them.
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That person doesn't want. I don't want to bother them on
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their day at work. That's the middle of the day,
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blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Shut up, Anthony.
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Segment 3. Healthy solitude versus
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dangerous isolation. So the important distinction
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here. Solitude can be healthy,
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isolation can be harmful. Healthy solitude looks like time
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to reflect, time to recharge. Watch your favorite show on
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Netflix. Intentional, quiet, working on
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yourself. Isolation looks like binge
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watching that show on Netflix for four hours by yourself,
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maybe avoiding people who care about you not answering the
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phone. I forced myself now to answer
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the phone. I don't want to, but I forced
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myself to. And then I'm happy I did every
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single time. Isolation usually includes
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skipping recovery meetings or support system, staying in your
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head too much, thinking about yourself too much, withdrawing
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because of shame or fear. And I don't want to hang out
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with that guy because I feel bad about ditching him that last
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time. So he doesn't want to see me.
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He doesn't care about my life. Am I choosing to be alone or am
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I hiding? Those are two completely
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different experiences. Reflection point here would be
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there were times in my recovery where I needed space but I was
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just avoiding uncomfortable conversations or emotion.
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How do you know? Well, you gotta start
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journaling. In my experience, I journal and
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ask God for help because sometimes I can't differentiate
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the things I can control and the things I can't control and the
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things that need to be changed and the things that need to be
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left alone. The serenity prayer.
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I need to know. I need to have the wisdom to
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differentiate things that I'm choosing or things that I am
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avoiding. Segment 4.
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Shame and isolation. Shame plays a major role in
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recovery. Isolation.
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People often carry guilt about past behavior.
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I don't want to hang out with that guy because I did that
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thing that one time and he probably hates me.
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Embarrassment about addiction. Fear of being judged.
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I'm the sober guy now, so I don't want to go out and no one
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wants me out because I'm not going to drink.
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If your friends are true friends, they don't give a fuck
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whether you're drinking or not. If anything, they're happy that
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you're not drinking because they know how bad it is when you
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drink. Get new friends.
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Get new friends if your friends want you around only when you're
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drinking. When shame is active, the brain
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often chooses withdrawal. I'd rather pull back from the
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situation. The internal dialogue often
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sounds like I shouldn't show up. They're better off without me.
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I don't belong here. But isolation actually feeds
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shame. So connection is one of the most
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powerful antidotes to shame. The opposite of addiction is
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connection. You hear that in the the Johann
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Hari Ted talk. I need to be connected to people
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because isolation is my go to. It is my default.
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So Brené Brown, one of my favorite psychologist, is she a
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psychologist? She's an author.
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ANYWAYS, research on shame's resilience suggests
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vulnerability and connection are central mechanisms for reducing
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shame responses. And she says vulnerability is
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simply just showing up without knowing the outcome.
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I love that. Just showing up without knowing
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the outcome. I don't know what's going to
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happen. I'm going to go anyways because
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it's good for me and maybe it's good for other people.
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What can I bring to the situation instead of always
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trying to take, instead of going for coffee and saying, what can
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I get out of this? What can I bring to this, This
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connection, this outing, this coffee, this whatever?
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What can I bring to it? How can I benefit?
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Can I bring good conversation? Can I bring a good story?
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Can I bring joy and happiness? Can I just be happy and ask
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people about their days? Recovery communities often work
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because they create environments where people realize I'm not
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alone. I'm not the only one that thinks
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like this. I'm not the only one that beats
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myself up. I'm not the only one that lives
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in self pity. Segment 5.
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The comfort trap of isolation. Isolation can become
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comfortable, yes, not healthy, but comfortable.
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When you stay home, nothing unexpected happens.
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I can control the outcome of staying home.
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If I stay home, I know that I'm going to watch Netflix and
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that's it. I might eat a tub of ice cream
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as well, but I know the outcome. I can predict the future, if you
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will, if I go out, there's a lot of fear of the unknown.
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Everything you want in life is on the other side of fear.
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There's no awkward conversations at home, there's no triggers,
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there's no vulnerability. But the downside is you're not
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growing unless you're watching this podcast, then hopefully
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you're growing. Recovery is not just about
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stopping substances. We know this.
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I have a whole episode about it. It's about re entering life.
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How can I build a life so big that I don't need to or want to
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escape from? What do you like doing?
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Go and do it. Simple, not easy.
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So that means rebuilding relationships, learning sober
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social skills, and you can only do this by going to the thing,
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going to the concert, going to the rave, whatever.
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I've been to so many raves in my life and I do enjoy them sober
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because I've learned how to do that.
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It takes practice, like anything in recovery.
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I can't watch a YouTube video or listen to a podcast on how to go
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to social events and then be good.
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I can, by the way, I have a podcast on how to go out sober.
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But there's things that I can do, like hold this soda water so
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that people don't ask me when I'm not drinking, put it in a
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glass so that I don't get bothered by people.
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I have to go and do them. I have to practice it.
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I have to learn how I interact in the world.
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I have to learn how I respond to tough situations, to resistance
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to. I have to build resilience at
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these things. I have to learn that nobody
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fucking cares if I'm drinking or not.
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I have to teach myself that by showing showing up to these
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things and realizing that nobody actually does fucking care.
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They're thinking about themselves probably, and if they
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do care, they might have a problem with drinking
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themselves. It's not your problem.
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The question here is, is the life I'm building in recovery
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bigger than the left one I left behind?
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Oh, is the life I'm building now in recovery bigger than the one
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I left behind? Well, for me that was easy
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because my life was very small. It was me in hotel rooms and
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random fast friends at the bar that weren't actually friends
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that I remember. One time I was sitting at a bar
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on King Street in the middle of the day and I thought I had the
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most riveting conversation with this guy.
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I used to think I had the most riveting conversations.
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Remember this? I was sitting next to this guy
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and he taught me. This was during the Drake
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Kendrick Lamar beef, if you don't know about it, 2 rappers
19:03
beefing each other. They made a whole diss track
19:06
against each other. This guy broke down in point by
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point form to me at the bar, what it was all about, where it
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came from. And I thought that was riveting
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conversation. I thought that was great.
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I was having a great time. I look back now and I'm just
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like, that was the stupidest fucking conversation I've ever
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had in my life. Who cares?
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I want to talk about real stuff. I want to talk about emotions
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and how people get through hard things.
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I love hearing how people get through hard shit.
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That's what I want to talk about.
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Now tell me about your struggles and unmanaged abilities and how
19:36
you overcome them. Tell me about how you're having
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kids and it's the hardest thing in the world, but it's so
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fucking worth it when you look at that child and you see God
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because they're so pure and it's just the most beautiful thing
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and all the hard work was worth it and all the debt is worth it
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because you have a child now that is pure and amazing.
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Tell me about that. That's the shit I want to talk
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about. Segment 6, how to break
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isolation. So practical strategy, so.
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These are this is going to be small steps there.
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In fact, huge steps probably are going to fail.
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Let's do this one thing at a time.
20:12
Small actions are sustainable. Some examples.
20:14
Lower the social bar. Instead of thinking I need to go
20:17
to a big event or a rave or a party or a club, try to meet one
20:21
person for coffee. Attend a small recovery meeting.
20:23
Take a walk with somebody. Going for a walk with someone is
20:26
a great way to get out of your own shit.
20:28
Get out of your head. 2. Schedule connection.
20:31
Connection often needs to be intentional in recovery.
20:33
Pencil something in the calendar.
20:34
I do this all the time. Build solar environments 3.
20:37
Find places that support sobriety.
20:39
Gyms, hobby groups, recovery communities, volunteering.
20:43
Do something different. You might love it.
20:45
Talk about the isolation. So one of the best ways is to
20:48
talk about it, but again, it's not complain about it.
20:51
Talk about what you're going through and how you're getting
20:53
through it. Ask for help, but don't keep
20:55
reliving the the pain and talking about it and not do
20:59
anything about it. That is not going to help you.
21:01
20 minutes into this podcast I already feel better talking
21:04
about how fucked up I am because I know I'm not alone and also
21:09
nothing is permanent. Everything is transitory in this
21:12
life. It will pass.
21:13
I was sitting by the lake today and I saw a duck swimming by.
21:16
Eventually the duck came and went and it was gone.
21:20
Like anything in life, it comes and changes and it goes.
21:24
Even your thoughts, even your stage in life, it comes, it
21:27
changes and it goes. Nothing is permanent.
21:31
This too shall pass friend. So segment 7, when isolation
21:35
becomes a warning sign, sometimes it's a relapse warning
21:38
sign. This is potential red flags.
21:39
Stopping recovery meetings, cutting off support networks,
21:43
not answering the phone often increasing negative thinking.
21:46
So you're in that thought loop and you can't break it.
21:48
Romanticizing past substance use.
21:50
That's a big one. You're constantly thinking about
21:53
how good the glory days of using and drinking were, and you're
21:57
lying to yourself telling you that it was so much fun and
21:59
there was no consequences and everything was great and life
22:02
was beautiful. Play the tape all the way
22:05
through to the end. What happened at the end?
22:08
All right, so in closing, if you're in recovery and you feel
22:11
like isolating sometimes, you're not broken, you're not doing
22:14
recovery wrong. Many people go through this
22:16
phase. I'm in it right now.
22:18
The important question is, why do I want to be alone?
22:21
And then the real question is, am I still connected to
22:25
something bigger than myself? God, spirituality, recovery, the
22:29
universe, the flow, the outdoors, great outdoors, group
22:34
of drunks. Am I still connected to
22:36
something bigger than me? Get outside of yourself.
22:38
Get out of your own way. It can be small.
22:41
Connection doesn't have to be loud.
22:43
A conversation, a meeting, a phone call, a walk.
22:47
Connect with your environment, Connect with something other
22:50
than you. Recovery grows in connection.
22:54
Isolation left unchecked will shrink it over time.
22:58
If you like this episode, please, please, please follow.
23:02
Like, subscribe, rate the podcast on Spotify, follow
23:06
along. I love every single one of you.
23:08
We're getting back in the studio tomorrow with my friend Caitlin.
23:11
I'm looking forward to that. So be on the lookout for new
23:13
episodes coming up. If no one's told you this yet, I
23:16
love you. Have a great day.
23:17
Recovery is simple, not easy.