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S4E18 - Why Does My Child Fight Me Over Everything? (And How to Stop the Power Struggle) · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Doctor Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where
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  I answer real parenting questions
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  about behavior,
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  emotions,
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  and the parent-child relationship.
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  In today's episode,
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  I am answering a question from Kay.
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  I appreciate the email,
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  Kay,
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  and I apologize for not getting
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  an episode out to y'all last week.
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  I was speaking and traveling
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  in New Jersey and New York.
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  So,
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  I know that we missed each other last week,
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  but I'm happy to hang out with you all again and thanks for
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  your patience as I was not home to get a podcast out.
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  So,
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  let me read parts of Kay's question and then we will dive in together.
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  My six year old is very defiant.
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  He can be an angel sometimes,
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  but the next minute
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  he is refusing to get in the car no matter what consequence I suggest.
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  And sometimes when I praise him,
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  he then undoes the good deed deliberately.
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  How do I manage that?
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  All right,
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  Kay,
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  so you and all the rest of us as parents have been in this situation.
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  And I think one of the most helpful things that we do
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  when we understand that a behavior is difficult and frustrating.
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  It's
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  a child showing us
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  what their pain is and what they're
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  facing.
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  We always focus on the doughnut,
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  not the hole.
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  That's our rule of thumb thumb from the parent training.
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  What does that mean
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  if you have a doughnut sitting in front of you?
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  You're just excited to have a doughnut because doughnuts are good.
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  You don't lament that the baker
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  took a little metal metal cylinder and
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  removed the middle of your doughnut.
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  You don't go,
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  oh my gosh,
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  well,
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  if that was still here,
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  if that was still here,
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  or if that was different,
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  or if we could change that,
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  or if,
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  if we could put it back,
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  if we could put it back,
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  if we could make that hole again,
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  if we could.
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  You would just enjoy the doughnut.
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  This is what we do with kids a lot.
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  We focus on all the things that are missing or that we wish were there or that we
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  would fix or we would put back or we would change or we would amend in some way.
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  And we totally miss the fact that
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  the good
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  kid is sitting right there.
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  So I think first and foremost it's helpful to understand that behavior
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  is not reflective of the child,
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  it's reflective of what they're trying to communicate.
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  It is agenda driven behavior to get their needs met.
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  It's to show you what they're struggling with.
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  It's to show you their pain.
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  So I think that in and of itself changes our lens
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  and it changes our perspective on what's going on because
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  it is extremely frustrating
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  when a child will not get in a car and we need to leave.
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  It's extremely frustrating when our children will not go to bed.
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  It's extremely frustrating when
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  all the other behaviors that we wrestle with.
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  But if we only focus on the behavior,
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  we lose sight of the child,
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  and we know
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  that kids behave in more self-enhancing ways
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  when they are in a positive and accepting relationship
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  with an adult.
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  So if we can maintain acceptance
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  of the child in the midst of the behavior,
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  It diffuses the intensity and it shifts things in a positive direction.
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  So,
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  another thing we need to think about is we're going to filter this down.
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  Why is your son
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  One minute
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  completely content,
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  and the next minute
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  refusing to do something.
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  I suspect when he's content and when you claim he's an angel.
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  He
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  is not in a disregulated state.
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  But maybe you told him to turn off the TV.
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  To get in the car to leave
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  and turning off the TV disregulated him.
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  Or maybe
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  he was playing with his friends and you said,
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  OK,
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  time to go,
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  and that just regulated him.
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  Or maybe he's hungry and you say get in the car
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  and he doesn't have the capacity to be obedient because his hunger's taking over.
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  There are factors when kids
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  shift their behavior like that,
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  so the why matters
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  and it's important for us to try to figure out is there a pattern here?
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  What happens before these moments?
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  Is he hungry?
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  Is he tired?
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  Is he bored?
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  Is there something going on?
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  Is there an emotional charge?
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  Does he get disregulated?
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  Those are helpful cues that we can pay attention to.
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  And then at the end of the day,
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  when a child
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  refuses something,
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  It's
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  power and control.
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  He's 6.
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  He has very little power and control in his life.
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  As a matter of fact,
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  there are a handful of things,
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  literally 5,
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  a handful of things over which children have control in their lives.
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  Eating,
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  sleeping,
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  toileting,
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  talking.
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  And behavior
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  That's it.
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  I ticked them off on my fingers,
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  you couldn't see it,
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  but there are 5 things in the world
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  over which a child has control.
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  That has to be really frustrating.
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  You have no agency.
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  You have no autonomy.
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  You have no power.
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  So what does that
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  produce?
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  A kid that's gonna take power and control wherever they can get it.
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  So
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  he's going to refuse to get in the car because that's
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  one of the things over which he has some control.
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  If you recognize it as a power struggle,
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  it helps reframe it.
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  So I know I haven't technically answered your question yet,
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  Kay.
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  I'm getting there,
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  I promise.
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  But what I'm hoping that we're seeing is
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  with the three things we've already discussed,
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  It's a change of perspective.
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  A new lens through which we're viewing what's going on.
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  Because while the behavior doesn't change when we have a different lens,
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  our response does.
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  So we recognize this is a power struggle.
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  Interestingly,
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  when you say if you praise him,
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  then he undoes the good deed deliberately.
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  Another power struggle.
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  Because if you say
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  Oh,
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  you got in the car and you're happy about it.
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  He's like,
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  OK,
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  well,
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  I'll make sure that you're not happy now.
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  So he is pushing back real hard to have power and control.
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  I will not do what you do,
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  and if I do it and you get excited about it,
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  I'm going to turn that around real quickly.
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  And so what that tells us is he needs
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  to be given opportunities to have power and control
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  in general,
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  not in that moment,
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  but in general.
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  So,
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  OK,
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  I'm curious.
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  This is a
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  proverbial question because I can't hear your answer,
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  but
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  what are things over which you could give him some control on a daily basis?
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  But you can choose to have an apple in your lunch
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  or you can choose to have an orange in your lunch.
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  You can choose to wear your tennis shoes today
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  or you can choose to wear your sandals today.
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  You can choose to use the green backpack or you can choose to use the blue backpack.
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  You can choose to
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  Run to the car to leave or you can choose to hop to the car to leave.
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  You can choose to play in the backyard or you can choose to play in the front yard.
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  We have so many choices that we can give kids throughout the day
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  just for the sake of empowering them,
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  just for the sake of helping them feel that they do have a measure of control
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  over their lives,
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  and they won't have to fight so hard
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  in all the rest of the moments.
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  So my suggestion would be
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  absolutely
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  try to give him as many choices as you can,
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  mutually agreeable,
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  meaning you're OK with either choice.
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  You would be OK if he wears sandals or sneakers.
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  You would be OK if he goes to the front yard or the backyard.
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  So he doesn't get carte blanche control.
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  You're setting parameters.
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  You're OK with the choices you're providing,
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  so he ultimately is not in charge.
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  But he gets to make a choice and he gets to feel empowered.
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  In the moment
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  If you're trying to get him in the car.
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  It's a limit
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  You really don't want to get in the car,
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  but it's time to go.
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  We're acknowledging his feelings.
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  And we're setting a neutral limit.
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  You really don't want to go,
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  but it's time to leave.
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  You really don't want to get in the car.
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  But it's time to go.
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  OK,
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  so that's the first and the 2nd step of the limit.
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  Third is going to be offering choices.
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  So the choice is not don't get in the car.
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  The choice can be
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  how he gets in the car.
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  It can be where he sits once he's in the car.
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  It can be what music you listen to while in the car driving somewhere.
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  It can be what he brings in the car with him.
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  So we're not saying,
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  do you want to get in the car or do you not want to get in the car?
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  By the way,
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  we don't ever say,
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  do you want,
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  it's do you choose?
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  If we don't say the word choose 3 times,
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  he doesn't feel empowered.
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  Do you choose this or do you choose this?
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  Which do you choose?
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  Do you want?
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  Would you like?
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  Those are not the same things.
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  And we certainly don't threaten.
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  If you don't get in the car then.
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  Kids learn nothing about self-control and self responsibility with that.
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  So you really don't want to get in the car but it's time to go.
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  You can choose to listen to.
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  Country music
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  when we get in there,
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  or you can choose to listen to rock music when we get in there.
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  You would pick ones that you know he likes.
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  I have no idea what your six year old likes to listen to.
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  Kid bop
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  and Veggie Tale soundtrack.
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  I have no idea.
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  So
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  you're going to offer that choice.
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  Maybe you're going to say you can choose to bring a coloring book in
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  the car or you can choose to bring a reading book in the car.
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  Which do you choose?
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  Maybe it's you can choose to sit on the right side in the back seat
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  or you can choose to sit on the left side in the back seat.
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  Which do you choose?
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  And now what we're doing is
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  we're giving him some power
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  even though
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  getting in the car is not one of the choices.
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  And the key to this K
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  is you are calm,
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  you are calm,
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  you are neutral,
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  you do not get heated,
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  you do not get escalated.
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  There's no charge.
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  So you say this as if you're talking about what you did today.
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  You really don't want to get in the car,
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  but it's time to go.
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  You can choose to use
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  the right side of the seat or you can choose to use the left side of the seat.
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  Which do you choose?
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  And you're going to say that several times because kids need time to make choices.
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  They are not cognitive.
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  They are not rational.
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  So it may take him a few rounds before he's able to make the choice,
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  but the goal is he chooses to get in the car.
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  And then you don't act excited,
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  you don't act happy,
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  you don't act happy,
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  you don't act grateful,
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  you don't act grateful,
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  you don't act thank God,
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  because that's how we feel.
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  But we very neutrally and calmly say
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  you chose to bring the coloring book with you.
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  And then you back out
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  He needs to be validated for the choice that was made.
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  I'm so glad,
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  thank you so much.
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  You're such a good kid.
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  Oh,
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  I'm so grateful to you.
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  What was the choice that was made?
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  That's the only response that we provide.
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  And
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  it becomes apparent
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  to your six year old.
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  I have some choice here.
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  I have some choice
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  here.
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  I have some agency in this.
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  Even when I don't want to do things,
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  I do have some power.
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  And that diffuses the intensity of the power struggling.
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  One final thought,
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  I don't know if you actually meant that you praised him,
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  if that was just the word that you used,
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  and maybe you don't even know the difference between praise versus encouragement.
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  For those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about,
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  please go back and listen to earlier episodes on praise versus encouragement.
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  But OK,
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  it's really important
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  that we do not praise our children
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  because
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  then they become crippled by needing to hear our
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  words of validation.
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  So instead of saying good job,
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  that was awesome,
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  you're great,
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  if it has an opposite,
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  it's value laden.
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  That's what praise is.
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  Good job.
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  You're awesome.
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  You're so smart.
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  You're amazing.
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  You,
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  whatever,
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  those are all praises.
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  What we do instead,
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  we focus on what the kid contributed.
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  So
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  You got in the car
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  Fast today.
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  Not a good job.
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  You got in the car right when I asked.
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  We're trying to make it clear
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  this isn't about what I think about it.
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  I'm focusing on what you did.
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  That's why we say you chose to bring your coloring book.
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  Because they're getting credit for the choice that was made,
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  they also need to be given credit
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  for their effort and their contribution to what's going on.
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  So
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  We're going to not say good job,
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  that's awesome.
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  You're amazing.
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  You're amazing.
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  You're the best kid.
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  I love you so much.
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  I mean,
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  we always say I love you,
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  but not in a sense of thank you for doing that,
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  now I love you.
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  That's conditional acceptance.
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  So we're going to eliminate praise,
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  and we're just going to say,
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  oh,
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  you chose that,
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  you did that.
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  And that keeps it neutral,
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  and then the child starts to go,
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  yeah,
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  I did.
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  And they have a reflective appraisal of what has happened rather than thinking that
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  what we think matters.
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  So,
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  Kay,
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  thank you so much for the email.
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  I am hopeful that that was helpful to
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  you and everyone else because that's a struggle for every single parent.
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  If you all wanna reach out,
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  I would love to hear from you.
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  Send me a question,
• 13:16
  send me a comment,
• 13:17
  send me something you wanna cover on an episode.
• 13:19
  Say hello,
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  all and any of the above.
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  I welcome
• 13:23
  brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
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  I love you all.
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  Keep loving on your kids.
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  We'll talk again soon.
• 13:28
  Bye.
• 13:29
  Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr.
• 13:33
  Brenna Hicks.
• 13:35
  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 13:38
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.