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Want More Success? Stop Working So Hard! · Create The Best Me

• 0:04
  Ever notice how we say, I have to do this.
• 0:08
  I have to do that.
• 0:09
  And by noon, we're wiped out.
• 0:12
  Today's guest, Amy Kemp, has a curve ball for you.
• 0:16
  What if slowing down is exactly what catapults you forward?
• 0:21
  Hang on to that thought, because in just a minute, she's sharing a story of a woman who took Friday's off and ended up quadrupling her business.
• 0:30
  If that doesn't flip your idea of getting ahead.
• 0:34
  I don't know what will.
• 0:35
  We'll dig into subconscious thought habits, why working harder can't outsmart your brain, and how midlife is the perfect time to switch gears.
• 0:46
  Stick around, I promise we'll connect those dots before we, sign off.
• 0:54
  Amy Kemp, welcome to Create the Best Me.
• 0:57
  This is an honor to have you on the show.
• 1:00
  I'm excited to be here, Carmen.
• 1:02
  Thanks for the invitation.
• 1:05
  Amy, before we begin, can you please tell the audience a little bit about who you are and what you do?
• 1:13
  I would love to.
• 1:15
  I will start by saying that I am a, always have been a teacher, a leader, a business owner, and someone really fascinated with the development of people.
• 1:29
  Probably I've gone through three different kind of professional eras.
• 1:34
  My first as a teacher, which was very short, and then as a business owner and leader in sales for over 20 years.
• 1:43
  And then most recently, the last eight years, I have been working within a new business that I started, called Amy Kemp Inc. In which I use a really cool assessment tool called the Habit Finder that measures subconscious habits of thinking and then the curriculum that goes along with it.
• 2:05
  I use this tool with leaders, with women around the country, to help them identify and replace the subconscious habits of thinking that are holding them back.
• 2:18
  And then most recently, um, just published my very first book also, which is titled, I See You.
• 2:24
  So I guess I now officially get to add author to my list of professional titles as well.
• 2:31
  So, um, I'm very honored to do the work I do to get to work with the caliber of people I get to work with.
• 2:39
  That's great.
• 2:40
  And you know it's really interesting when I saw that you're a habit coach.
• 2:44
  I thought that was really interesting because you would think that women in midlife, we don't have habits anymore.
• 2:50
  Or, I mean, it's just like we've pretty much, we've ingrained these good habits, these habits that, you know, have made us or have helped us become successful thus far.
• 3:03
  Yes absolutely.
• 3:05
  I think, and that might be true of my the person I work with most frequently is typically someone who has accomplished some things and she's, successful by all kinds of worldly terms, I would say.
• 3:23
  The specific habits that I work with aren't habits like what time you wake up in the morning or, the typical things that we think of time management or, you know, habits that we see externally.
• 3:36
  I'm really focused on and most fascinated by these subconscious habits of thinking.
• 3:43
  So our brains are wired to survive and they develop these patterns that get deeper and deeper with repetition.
• 3:52
  But we aren't really aware of about 80 percent of what's happening in our brains.
• 3:57
  And that's where, we really can get stuck without knowing why or without really being able to identify what it is that's holding you back.
• 4:07
  I just described this to a potential client I had a conversation with last week where I said, it's like you have the chassis in the frame of a really fast sports car.
• 4:18
  She can just get some work done.
• 4:20
  I mean, she's amazing, but she's putting bad fuel into the tank.
• 4:26
  And so she's aware she has the capacity to go really fast, but she'll run into these things and she can't figure out why either it's issues outside of work.
• 4:36
  So maybe work is going really well, but relationships aren't, or there's something that has come up at work that she can't figure out how to get past, or she can't figure out how to get to the next level of accomplishment.
• 4:50
  And that's where I come in to help kind of really dig deeper.
• 4:55
  It's like the place where just working harder isn't going to move you forward.
• 5:00
  And I think a lot of us can relate to that, to where we have hit our professional ceiling.
• 5:07
  And then we say, okay, I'm doing this, I'm doing that, but I'm not moving.
• 5:13
  Why am I not moving to the next level?
• 5:15
  Yes.
• 5:16
  And, and sometimes you might, as a woman, you might stop and think, well, maybe I'm too old.
• 5:22
  Maybe they're looking for someone newer, some, or not someone newer, but somebody younger.
• 5:28
  Yeah, or more qualified or with more experience or we do all sorts of conditional qualifiers about our readiness for that next thing or that next level.
• 5:39
  Or, and this I see more often, I don't want to work any more hours.
• 5:46
  And so I'm not even going to consider putting my name in the hat for that position that's open.
• 5:53
  Or I'm not even going to grow my business to the next size because I'm already at max capacity in terms of my time and energy.
• 6:01
  And the way I got here is by working really hard, by working long hours, and I don't want to do that.
• 6:09
  I don't want, and I can't do any more.
• 6:11
  And so that's kind of the crossroads where a lot of my clients will say, okay, then I've got to stop and really dig deeper and find out what's happening inside of me that's really holding me back.
• 6:24
  Tell me, what have you found?
• 6:26
  What is that thing that holds women back?
• 6:31
  It's complicated.
• 6:32
  It's different for everyone.
• 6:34
  Some of the most common I would say habits of thinking that do get in the way.
• 6:42
  Number one, hands down is a feeling of value or worthiness.
• 6:48
  Uh, we apply all sorts of conditions to our worthiness to have a certain level of success or income or impact or influence or title.
• 7:00
  What's interesting about that, women do that a lot, right?
• 7:03
  I'm not going to go for that managerial position because I only have four years of experience in this role.
• 7:09
  Or I'm not going to throw my name in the ring for the VP position that just opened up because so and so has more experience and I don't think I would get it, you know, or I'm not ready.
• 7:20
  I need another degree or, when my kids get older.
• 7:24
  I mean, there's just, we put all.
• 7:26
  But even more deeply, there's this feeling of worthiness, am I worth that level of income?
• 7:34
  Am I worth that level of influence or impact?
• 7:38
  Just little old me, what it feels like inside of you.
• 7:41
  And so there's this, I'm not thin enough.
• 7:45
  I'm not young enough.
• 7:46
  I'm not qualified enough.
• 7:49
  I don't have enough education.
• 7:51
  Um, really interesting and fascinating when we originally started my company eight years ago, all of the marketing was geared toward women who lead or female leaders.
• 8:01
  And we had to totally change the marketing because women who were leading at very high levels said, oh, I, I'm not a leader.
• 8:12
  They didn't see themselves in that framework.
• 8:15
  Even people who were excelling and growing teams and really developing people at a high level, they did not categorize themselves that way.
• 8:24
  And so they would sort of self-select out.
• 8:27
  And so we had to just shift everything, because they were, and they are.
• 8:33
  And it was just a really interesting, I, I think it's tragic.
• 8:38
  just to watch them take themselves out of the running for things that they're totally ready for.
• 8:45
  Why do you think women don't see themselves as leaders versus I noticed, like, in the workforce, working with men, they automatically jump in that leadership seat, whether they're qualified or not, and just say, hey, I'm your next leader.
• 9:00
  When you could have a woman that is totally a leader, she may have the qualifications, but not only that, she has the ability to nurture and guide people to the next level.
• 9:14
  Oh my gosh.
• 9:15
  I could talk about this for eight days because ah there are a few things happening.
• 9:21
  Um, I think we've been sold a model of leadership or it has been the most common form of leadership.
• 9:30
  That's a very sort of take charge from the front of the room cast division and come follow me I'm like the pied piper and you're gonna go behind me you know.
• 9:41
  Or a very sort of charismatic, loud, they love to have the microphone in their hands type of a leader.
• 9:51
  In fact, I was just talking to a client about this not very long ago.
• 9:55
  And she's a network builder.
• 9:58
  She's a collaborator.
• 10:00
  She's a I want to see the people I'm leading succeed, I don't really care if I have the microphone in my hand, kind of leader.
• 10:09
  But exceptional; I mean, really exceptional.
• 10:15
  And we were talking about, she was saying, well, I, I'm not really like a leader.
• 10:20
  And I said, well, tell me about that, what are you basing that on?
• 10:23
  She says, well, the leader of our business is like this outgoing extroverted.
• 10:29
  And so there's this kind of model that we've been given that it's like, if I don't fit into that model and some women do, but if I don't, then I'm not leading.
• 10:39
  I find that women tend to be more community builders.
• 10:43
  They create a web of support among a team.
• 10:47
  They build relationships, they listen, and they're paying attention.
• 10:52
  I've, I've been serving in a volunteer capacity, like I'm trying to keep it generic so that it doesn't, give away, but I'm basically at a table with a bunch of men who are older than me.
• 11:05
  And I started, and there's a few women, but I started to pay attention to, how many times the men say sentences, and how many times the women ask questions.
• 11:16
  And it's pretty staggering.
• 11:18
  I mean, it's pretty interesting.
• 11:20
  The women are really curious.
• 11:22
  They want to know more before they make a conclusion.
• 11:25
  And the men sort of see themselves as like coming in to give advice and to guide the ship right in this direction.
• 11:32
  I'm not saying that that's bad either.
• 11:34
  I hope, I don't want to mischaracterize that as a negative, I'm just saying there's room for more types of leaders.
• 11:41
  And actually, I think leading in this kind of economy and in our world today, the way women lead is actually more effective.
• 11:52
  People who are younger don't do Bobby Knight.
• 11:56
  They don't want to be screamed at.
• 11:58
  They don't want to struggle and suffer and nose to the ground.
• 12:03
  Like they, it's, they're not interested.
• 12:05
  And so if you really want to attract the best kind of talent and build a team that's, high functioning, I do think that a lot of the things that we see in more female leaders are more effective.
• 12:16
  So yeah, it's fascinating.
• 12:19
  And again, I'm not, I actually am not being critical of the guy who puts his hand up and says, I'll take it.
• 12:25
  I think that's awesome.
• 12:26
  I just wish more women would do the same.
• 12:29
  Mm hmm.
• 12:30
  Yeah, and I think that, you know, as women, what we like to do when we're in that leadership role or if we're guiding people, we like to explain the why.
• 12:39
  You're doing this and this is why you're doing it.
• 12:43
  Yep.
• 12:44
  And I think that the younger generation, if, you know, if that's who you're leading, they need to know the why to ignite them to want to be on that ship and just excel with you.
• 12:57
  Absolutely.
• 12:58
  I agree.
• 12:59
  I think it's going to be a huge shift in our businesses moving forward.
• 13:03
  I think it's already shifting, but I think more and more we'll see that type of leader emerge.
• 13:09
  And I, I can't remember, I read, I think it was last year where they said that a lot of small businesses are being run by women.
• 13:21
  They're more successful too, statistically.
• 13:23
  Um, small businesses are getting less funding, but they're more successful in the long run when founded by and led by women.
• 13:32
  It's interesting, right?
• 13:34
  It is.
• 13:35
  And women are, yeah, women are able to, do more with less resources.
• 13:41
  Yeah, mm hmm.
• 13:43
  Absolutely.
• 13:44
  And you know, I also wonder about this idea of taking ourselves out of something because we don't feel worthy, we don't feel qualified.
• 13:54
  Somewhat, our conditioning is to stay small, even our bodies, right?
• 14:00
  I mean, we're praised if our bodies are smaller.
• 14:02
  We're encouraged to fit in, not stand out.
• 14:08
  And there's a risk and a real level of, you know, when you step into that spotlight, you're going to be criticized.
• 14:16
  You know that people are talking about you.
• 14:18
  You know, that people will disagree with your decisions.
• 14:22
  And, there's a risk for women that can be higher there also.
• 14:26
  A social risk of not fitting in.
• 14:29
  And, that's what I feel like I've provided sometimes more than anything for the women that I work with, especially in my small groups, most of them can't talk to the people they work with about what's really going on because they're leading them.
• 14:44
  You know, or then they go to places in their community and they're leading there.
• 14:48
  And so where's their place where they can just talk about what's really happening inside of them.
• 14:53
  And so you do lose a little bit of that when you step into those, more impactful roles or just even levels of success.
• 15:03
  Yeah, and I think as a woman, when you are being vulnerable, you know, you're in this leadership role or you're, grooming yourself for this leadership role.
• 15:14
  And we all have feelings, we all have emotions, we all have things that happen.
• 15:19
  And if you, start to talk to people about these feelings or things, you might get looked at, well, what kind of leader are you?
• 15:28
  Correct.
• 15:29
  And so it's hard to find that community.
• 15:34
  Absolutely.
• 15:35
  Yeah.
• 15:36
  Yeah.
• 15:36
  It's really interesting.
• 15:37
  That's actually what inspired the origin of my business was I kept having the same conversation with all of these women who are leading at high levels and they were coming to me and saying, I'm, lonely.
• 15:51
  I I need friendship.
• 15:54
  I don't know.
• 15:55
  But a lot of their experiences are different than someone, who isn't working full-time or leading at a high level.
• 16:01
  And so they were isolated and lonely.
• 16:04
  And I really thought if I could get these people together, I think something magical could happen.
• 16:09
  And it has, it's been really cool to watch.
• 16:12
  Another thing, I was talking to a client about this last week, and now I keep seeing it.
• 16:17
  And maybe you experienced this also, but when you show up in a room, confident, grounded, sure of yourself, knowing your value.
• 16:30
  Like, very at peace with who you are, ready to serve.
• 16:35
  It makes people uncomfortable.
• 16:39
  They will have strange reactions to you, whether it be, they get sort of like, oh, you know, I didn't do my hair today.
• 16:48
  Or they'll say, I don't know how to describe it, but I experience it all the time where I'm making someone uncomfortable, not because I'm just there, curious, I'm open, I'm excited to meet them, but my level of confidence, the way that I show up into the room is so rare, that they feel uncomfortable.
• 17:11
  And so the more you evolve and develop, that is a normal experience.
• 17:15
  It happens all the time.
• 17:18
  Uh, definitely all the time for me.
• 17:20
  And I, I think what I've learned about it is just to be very kind and understanding, obviously.
• 17:26
  But also to know that reaction is not about me.
• 17:31
  I'm just providing a level of brightness sometimes that maybe makes people squint a little like, you know, or a little like, eh I'm not sure I feel comfortable.
• 17:44
  That doesn't mean there's something wrong or I'm doing something wrong, it's just the way it goes as you grow yourself more.
• 17:53
  Do you think that uncomfortableness comes from people not being used to seeing an empowering woman?
• 18:02
  Yes.
• 18:03
  There's a a saying I use with my clients, it says you are rare and there is value in all rarity therefore you are valuable.
• 18:13
  So when there's something rare that we're not used to seeing at which tragically again, and this is something I feel like the goal of my work is to eradicate this, but when you gather a group of women, particularly, or put women in a room full of business people, there aren't a lot of them that would walk in head held high feeling fully okay with who they are.
• 18:40
  Yes.
• 18:42
  That's true.
• 18:42
  And I think here's just my perception.
• 18:45
  I think that because, you know, historically back when I was younger, that role would have been a man Correct.
• 18:54
  And so if I'm a woman in leadership, I'm like, should I act like a man or should I act like a woman?
• 19:01
  How am I supposed to act?
• 19:02
  I know, I know.
• 19:04
  It's interesting, right?
• 19:06
  I write about this in my book also when we were talking about women stepping into these higher roles, some of the reasons that we don't, or that our businesses don't grow as fast or that our sales aren't as high as our male counterparts, is that we as women are doing the vast majority of the unpaid labor in our world.
• 19:27
  And unpaid labor is rarely quantified, but there's actually a survey in the book where you go through and add up how many hours a week you average in unpaid labor.
• 19:38
  These are things like, preparing food, shopping for clothing, planning.
• 19:44
  We had a surprise 75th birthday party yesterday that my sister and I planned.
• 19:49
  And, you know, planning for that, who's caretaking for young children or older relatives or parents.
• 19:59
  Even things like the dry cleaner, the laundry.
• 20:02
  Who's going through the mail, who's paying the bills.
• 20:06
  So, maybe we look back, I think we idealize, but I think people look back on an era like the 1950s where the economy was set up so that, there was a family where one person would leave the house, go out and earn the money for a certain number of hours every day, come home, bring the money home.
• 20:26
  The other person was in charge of all of that unpaid labor.
• 20:30
  Well, we all know that now over 75 percent of women are now a part of the workforce.
• 20:35
  And the economy is such that it's very difficult to live on one income, even when you're in the most high levels of earning.
• 20:43
  It's just really expensive.
• 20:44
  And so, and it depends on where you live in the country also, this is something that you see.
• 20:50
  But for the most part, we have two people now leaving the house.
• 20:54
  But for some reason, women have still kept all of the burden of all of that unpaid labor.
• 21:02
  Or the mental labor of, organizing someone to do it for them at least.
• 21:06
  And so there's just this, sort of imbalance.
• 21:10
  I'll also say some of that unpaid labor I want to do.
• 21:15
  I enjoy doing it.
• 21:16
  I don't want to hand it off or have someone else do it.
• 21:20
  It's important to me.
• 21:21
  It's important to our family.
• 21:23
  But at the same time, if that's the case, and I'm choosing to do that, and my business doesn't grow as fast as someone who has another person who's full time doing all of that unpaid labor.
• 21:33
  There's nothing wrong with me.
• 21:36
  I'm not missing anything, I'm just doing more unpaid labor, and so I don't have as much energy to put toward the creation of this pursuit.
• 21:44
  So there's this whole dynamic there that a lot of times when women hear it, they just feel better.
• 21:50
  Like, oh, well that makes so much sense.
• 21:53
  No wonder I'm tired or no wonder this isn't growing as fast as it is for him.
• 21:59
  And so, how would you work with someone to, one, say it's okay, acknowledge that this unpaid labor exists and that I choose to do this; but at the same time be able to create this balance to where they can also excel in their business, grow their business.
• 22:18
  Because to me that would seem like it's a habit.
• 22:21
  It's a, it's, you know it's part, of developing a habit.
• 22:24
  It's also interesting because, I tried to interview a bunch of women that I know who have helped with the unpaid labor in their lives, and they did not want me to put their names in the book.
• 22:37
  Several of them even said, you can ask me the questions, but don't tell anyone.
• 22:42
  Like it's this dirty secret or something that you are running a 15 million account at work, but have someone at home full-time helping you with cooking and cleaning and taking care of your kids.
• 22:54
  And well, no, no man would try to do that job and that job at the same time.
• 23:00
  They wouldn't even entertain the thought of it.
• 23:03
  I feel like what we need is to celebrate the choices that women are making.
• 23:08
  I think we need to make them very intentionally.
• 23:11
  If I'm choosing, and like I have so many friends who've done this, they chose to stay home, pause their career, and do the unpaid labor in their family, even for a period of time, some of them indefinitely, awesome.
• 23:28
  It's vital.
• 23:29
  It's really important work, right?
• 23:32
  So choose it, I guess is the thing I would say, first of all, decide what is your priority and create your own life.
• 23:39
  If building your business or building your career is important to you, as it was for me, and I think for my kids too, it would not have been healthy for me to not be working.
• 23:50
  And so if that's the case, one, you better get some help cleaning.
• 23:56
  You better get some help with the clothes.
• 23:59
  There's no need for you to come home and work full-time.
• 24:03
  Instead, why not give, especially if it's another woman who's building a business, give her the resources to provide for her family and have work to do so that you can come home and rest.
• 24:15
  You can come home and just unwind after work and not have all of that burden.
• 24:20
  So I think there is an element of offloading what you dislike doing.
• 24:24
  What's too much if you're wanting to grow and just recognizing I can't do all of that and all of this.
• 24:32
  I mean, it's two full-time jobs, sometimes even three.
• 24:37
  Or you're stuck doing playing catch up and doing everything on the weekend.
• 24:41
  And then you come Monday, you have to hit it again and you're tired.
• 24:46
  There's no time to recharge.
• 24:49
  Absolutely, so who is going to perform better than in the meeting or in the sales call or in the, right?
• 24:56
  The person who's been resting all weekend or the person who's been working all weekend and then comes to work again.
• 25:02
  So, yeah, there is this real, and I just think talking about it is important because at least if we acknowledge it and say, yes, this is happening.
• 25:12
  Then we can make choices about what we do with it.
• 25:15
  But if we're just acting like I should be able to do all of this, it's crazy.
• 25:21
  I mean, again, compliments to the men who would never try it.
• 25:26
  Like they wouldn't even, they, they would never try it.
• 25:31
  In fact, this is so funny, a friend of mine got a call, she was gone for a few days for a work trip, and she got a call from her cleaning lady who said, is everything okay at your house?
• 25:45
  And she said, what do you mean?
• 25:47
  She's like, it's just sort of in disarray.
• 25:49
  Like, it's usually picked up and you know, And so she called and I mean, her husband was like, yeah, I'm not, I'm not doing all of that.
• 25:58
  Like, I'm not doing all of that and taking care of the kids.
• 26:00
  If you're gone, I'm taking care of the kids, but like, I'm also not keeping up with all of that.
• 26:05
  You know, and he's awesome and he's super helpful and like, he's a great dad and husband and everything, but he's not even going to try to keep up with all of the other stuff.
• 26:16
  And so there's just this recognition of that's too much.
• 26:20
  I'm not doing all of that.
• 26:22
  Kind of sounds like my husband, when I went out and had my neck surgery, I was out of the house for I think three or four days.
• 26:29
  I come home I'm like, oh my gosh, I feel miserable, but now I feel even worse because the house was a mess.
• 26:36
  Totally.
• 26:37
  Yeah.
• 26:37
  Yep.
• 26:38
  I think my husband, when I leave, it's a mess, and then like about two hours before I'm supposed to arrive, they do a big, you know, he rallies the troops and they like go through and, which is totally fine.
• 26:53
  But yeah, it's different and I think that we just need as women to go easier on ourselves and to understand the weight of all of that unpaid labor.
• 27:02
  And then also recognize, I have a lot of women ask me this too, I don't have children, but when we created the unpaid labor survey, only two of the items have anything to do with children.
• 27:16
  Everyone's eating, everyone's wearing clothing.
• 27:18
  Everyone is, doing some sort of involvement with external family or extended family.
• 27:24
  Everyone is making appointments.
• 27:26
  You know, there's, everyone is having to get your oil changed or your, just those day to day things of running a home.
• 27:36
  Taking care of the pets.
• 27:38
  Totally.
• 27:39
  Yeah.
• 27:40
  So, I see that every spring you have intensive or a program that you run, are you doing that this spring and if so, can you talk about what it entails?
• 27:52
  Yeah, I would love to.
• 27:53
  So I run my business a little bit like a school year calendar.
• 27:58
  I do a spring semester and then a fall semester for my groups.
• 28:03
  I think because I was a teacher, that rhythm works for me.
• 28:06
  It also works for a lot of my clients.
• 28:08
  So the program that I run in the semesters is called Encounter.
• 28:13
  I gather 8 to 10 women in groups, they're from around the country and they are in education.
• 28:20
  They're in government.
• 28:21
  They have run small businesses.
• 28:23
  They're in corporate America.
• 28:24
  They are at different levels of their growth and professional development, I would say.
• 28:31
  But what we do together is really important, I would even say sacred work.
• 28:38
  So they take the habit finder assessment, which by the way, anyone can take for free on my website.
• 28:44
  So you can go to amykemp.com.
• 28:47
  You take this five to 10 minute assessment.
• 28:50
  This is not a, what's your personality?
• 28:53
  What are your strengths?
• 28:55
  Type of an assessment.
• 28:57
  This is a, if I took a picture of your brain, right now, what are the grooves that you are at high risk of falling into?
• 29:06
  Where is your brain traveling that you're even unaware?
• 29:10
  So I'll give you an example; there's one habit of thinking that leans toward obligation.
• 29:16
  It sounds like I have to, I need to, I should.
• 29:20
  I have to, I need to, I should.
• 29:22
  I have to, I need to, I should.
• 29:24
  And you get into this groove and the process of doing your work, growing your business, whatever your career is, there's a natural resistance to doing that's like climbing a mountain.
• 29:35
  This habit of thinking is like strapping on a hundred pound backpack as you climb the mountain.
• 29:41
  So when you add the have to, need to, and should to it, it's heavier.
• 29:45
  It feels like dread.
• 29:48
  It literally can physically feel like you're carrying around a backpack of a hundred pound bricks, you know, it's just heavy.
• 29:56
  And so that habit of thinking becomes pervasive.
• 29:59
  I have to do the dishes.
• 30:00
  I really need to run this report.
• 30:02
  And so our work together is about how do you replace that with I get to, I choose to, I want to, and have that be the prevailing, way that you are approaching your work in your life.
• 30:15
  And it's a very, slow process.
• 30:18
  We work through a binder together.
• 30:20
  But it's a slow process of changing those habits of thinking, but it's a lasting one.
• 30:25
  The change I'm not for the transform your life in six-weeks.
• 30:30
  I don't, I'm not really interested in that I'm in the let's make tiny shifts.
• 30:38
  Let's make them count.
• 30:39
  Let's make them with intention.
• 30:41
  Let's show up and invest in ourselves.
• 30:44
  And then watch as the external parts of our life that are bugging us or that we want change in start to shift and morph and grow.
• 30:53
  Another habit of thinking that I see a lot is this interaction with people that is toward non-confrontational.
• 31:01
  So your brain is saying, either address this inappropriate or this unacceptable performance or behavior and there's a blow up that destroys relationships.
• 31:15
  Or I say nothing at all.
• 31:17
  And so your brain is kind of two categories instead of a I'm going to lean in and get curious and we're going to really have a conversation about this and we're going to address it and actually leave with a stronger relationship.
• 31:32
  So we do a lot of work around, what does that look like to have that conversation?
• 31:35
  How do you step into that space into someone's world and say the hard things?
• 31:40
  How do you bring down walls so that you can actually have those conversations with people?
• 31:45
  So that kind of work, it's like the behind the scenes, deeper work that helps people really, experience change.
• 31:53
  So it's more like a rewiring the way you approach things or see things and approach them.
• 32:00
  Yes.
• 32:01
  And even like, for example, the obligation habit of thinking, most people have no idea that that's their underlying message.
• 32:09
  But once you see it, it's like, oh no, I say it, I hear it in my head all day long.
• 32:16
  I'm living in this obligation.
• 32:18
  Right?
• 32:19
  And so once you start to have some awareness, then you can bring that habit of thinking to your conscious mind and then you even have a fighting chance to make a different choice.
• 32:31
  When it's subconscious, it's just running.
• 32:33
  It's like background music.
• 32:35
  This is all the time and it's affecting you, but you aren't aware of it.
• 32:40
  And it's so interesting when you first talked about that, you know, I have to, I, you know, this, I was thinking, oh my goodness, I say this every day.
• 32:48
  It's my checklist my mental checklist.
• 32:50
  No wonder sometimes I'm just kind of dragging myself around because I have mentally have drained myself.
• 33:00
  So now I'm physically feeling the drain because I am saying these are the things I need to do Yep.
• 33:08
  Absolutely.
• 33:09
  I also describe this experience and the work I do both one-on-one and in small groups.
• 33:16
  When you're trying to create something, a career, a family, a relationship, a new level of income, that when you start moving forward, you are going to experience pushback, resistance.
• 33:32
  That's like my most, it's like where I love to dig in, right?
• 33:36
  Where is their resistance?
• 33:37
  Where is the thing like, I know I should be doing that, but I'm not doing that.
• 33:41
  I'm not making those proactive calls.
• 33:43
  I'm not doing the thing I know I should do.
• 33:46
  That resistance right there I'm always like, oh, this is where it gets good.
• 33:50
  Like that's where I love to work with people because that resistance, that's your habits of thinking usually.
• 33:57
  The resistance to the moving forward.
• 33:59
  The work I do is not therapy, which is like going back.
• 34:03
  I love therapy, I think it's so vital, but this work is about moving forward.
• 34:08
  And I'll say to people too, I have, I do work with a lot of people who are moving from a traditional work role into a more entrepreneurial one.
• 34:18
  If you want to know every unhealthy habit of thinking in your brain, go ahead and do that.
• 34:27
  Because it's like, beach balls that have been held underwater for years, and then you let them go and they just come whoosh to the surface.
• 34:37
  You get to experience things that as an employee you never had to, deal with.
• 34:42
  And it's really, I've seen it take people down.
• 34:45
  I mean, it's for real, it's a very real experience.
• 34:48
  So those are habits of thinking and that's the work I do.
• 34:53
  And I had someone, a prior guest say that if it makes you uncomfortable, you're on the right track.
• 35:01
  Yep.
• 35:02
  But if it makes you too uncomfortable, you can be paralyzed.
• 35:06
  So like finding that right level of resistance where you can still move the pedals.
• 35:11
  It's not so resistant that you're like stuck and your bike won't move.
• 35:16
  It's like, what's the level of resistance that provides a little bit of burn in my, you know, calves and in my quads, but it's not where I can't tolerate it.
• 35:27
  I can't, I can't move forward.
• 35:32
  Mm. So, Amy, in your book, because like I said, I just got this yesterday, boo me, I wish I would have gotten it earlier; what can people expect?
• 35:43
  Is this kind of like a sample of your encounter?
• 35:47
  So really great.
• 35:48
  I'm glad you asked that because when I was deciding which publisher I was going to go with, the reason I chose the publishing company I did is because the owner of it said to me, this book feels like a coaching session with you would feel like.
• 36:03
  It feels like I'm having a conversation with you and like you are seeing me and my life experience and my work experience vividly.
• 36:13
  So what you can expect from the book is not a master coming in to impart my great wisdom upon you.
• 36:21
  I'm not really interested in that at all.
• 36:24
  And in fact, that was another argument about, it wasn't even an argument.
• 36:29
  It was like a disagreement about the title.
• 36:31
  They wanted the title to be focused on me and the work I do isn't.
• 36:36
  It's not really about me.
• 36:38
  And so, I would say in the book, this is what you'll experience.
• 36:42
  I'll tell it.
• 36:43
  Can I tell you the story about the title?
• 36:45
  Cause I think it captures the feel.
• 36:47
  I was curious about it, so please do.
• 36:49
  Yeah, so I had met this woman who, is a leader in our community.
• 36:55
  She sits at some pretty important tables, her decisions affect thousands of people, I would say.
• 37:01
  Busy family life.
• 37:02
  And I've like on the periphery known who she is, but we met through a mutual acquaintance at a community event.
• 37:10
  I just thought, I liked her.
• 37:12
  And so I reached out to her and said, I'd love to have coffee with you.
• 37:16
  So we met and I just listened to her story for about an hour.
• 37:22
  Toward the end of the conversation, she interrupted me sort of brusquely, and she said, why did you invite me to coffee today?
• 37:30
  And the first thing that came to my head, I just said out loud, I just said, because I see you.
• 37:38
  And she put her head in her hands and just wept.
• 37:44
  And it was a long time, then she kind of sat up and she brushed off her eyes, you know, and she kind of collected herself and said, thank you.
• 37:51
  So few people do.
• 37:54
  And it was just this really tender moment of here's this person that everyone sees.
• 38:01
  Everyone thinks she has it all together, but no one really sees her.
• 38:06
  No one's really asking her how she's doing or digging deeper or being curious about her experiences.
• 38:13
  I mean, she's just leading, you know?
• 38:15
  And so I think it's really important for you to know when you step into this book, that that's how it feels.
• 38:21
  I'm just here sitting across the table with you at a cup of coffee.
• 38:26
  I want to know about your experience, but I also want to just have you feel seen and understood in that experience.
• 38:32
  So there are some practical and really helpful shifts and principles that I have, um, well, people ask me how long did it take you to write the book?
• 38:43
  Three years, but I've been writing it for 25, you know, I, this is not new material and I've been working and developing women for over 25 years.
• 38:53
  So this is sort of like the culmination of that work, but also just a recognition of I know who you are.
• 39:00
  I see and understand that experience.
• 39:04
  That's beautiful.
• 39:06
  I'm excited.
• 39:07
  Like I said, I was really upset that the book arrived yesterday because I hoping to have had it read before we actually recorded.
• 39:14
  What really attracted me to the book was that, you talked about getting unstuck, you know, digging deep into the core.
• 39:23
  If you're someone who has, reach a certain level and you're just stuck and you're trying to figure out how to get unstuck.
• 39:32
  And I thought, you know what, I have found myself in those situations many times, not just once, but many times.
• 39:38
  I sure would love to, you know, walk hand in hand with someone who is able to show me the things that are right in front of me that I'm not even noticing.
• 39:50
  Yeah.
• 39:51
  Here's another interesting thing is like a lot of successful women are driven by survival mechanisms and behaviors; perfectionism, overworking, people pleasing, self-sacrifice.
• 40:11
  Those things tend to move you up the chain.
• 40:13
  I mean, you can really, particularly in corporate America, you can get somewhere with those, behaviors to a point.
• 40:23
  You also can get somewhere building a business or in sales with those driving motivators to a point.
• 40:31
  But you will get to a point where you can't work any harder.
• 40:35
  You can't do it any more perfectly.
• 40:37
  You can't outwork your thought habits.
• 40:41
  That's the core message of the book.
• 40:43
  You can't outwork it.
• 40:45
  And if you keep implying those same survival mechanisms, they will become really damaging to you.
• 40:51
  I tell the story of one of my clients in the book where she built a huge nonprofit, very, very huge and very impactful, and got sick because she had not been taking care of herself.
• 41:08
  Went to the hospital, they're running some tests, and the doctor said to her, when did you have your heart attack?
• 41:15
  And she said, I've never, I've never had a heart attack.
• 41:20
  And he said, oh, you've had a heart attack.
• 41:23
  And she said, I, I've not had our, and then they had this whole conversation.
• 41:27
  And he said, it happens all the time that women have silent heart attacks.
• 41:32
  Like they don't even go to the hospital because you've been working at this pace for so long.
• 41:39
  And I'll say frequently to potential clients, you're going to get sick, if you keep operating from this place.
• 41:45
  It got you to where you are and you were doing the best you can, and there's nothing wrong with that.
• 41:50
  But to get to the new place, and even the new level of impact, influence, and income, there's gotta be some digging down deeper in order to move to the new place.
• 42:03
  This isn't about working harder, and that's really important to me.
• 42:08
  Yeah, and it's really interesting that you brought that up or you shared that story because I was reading an article the other day and it did talk about how women do have silent heart attacks.
• 42:21
  And I've had numerous and don't even know.
• 42:23
  Yeah.
• 42:24
  And I'm like, oh my gosh, what does it feel like?
• 42:27
  You know, the article didn't say what it felt like or symptoms or anything.
• 42:31
  And I'm like, this is pretty scary stuff.
• 42:34
  Yeah.
• 42:34
  And how out of touch with your own body do you have to be to have a heart attack and not know?
• 42:39
  I mean, you must be overriding your body's signals all the time.
• 42:45
  This is actually a core principle in the book, which is, you can't override your intuition in one area and then have access to it in another.
• 42:53
  So a lot of times we are constantly making things okay that aren't, or in our childhood we did that we had to override our intuition to survive.
• 43:02
  Or in a work setting, we had to do that where we had to, I don't like the way this feels.
• 43:06
  This doesn't seem right, but I got to do this and so you just override, override.
• 43:11
  Or I'm in a relationship and that's not okay, but I have to make it okay because we've got these kids.
• 43:17
  And so I'm just overriding that intuition.
• 43:20
  Well, what happens is that intuition, then that whisper, cause it's tiny.
• 43:24
  It's like a tiny voice.
• 43:26
  It's like a knowing, and I'm pointing to my heart because it's like in your, it's inside of your body, that kind of inner guidance system.
• 43:36
  When you override it for so long, then you can't just access it all of a sudden.
• 43:41
  And we see it show up in areas like even food, where am I full?
• 43:48
  Am I hungry?
• 43:49
  Is this okay to eat?
• 43:51
  Like, what's my intuition telling me?
• 43:54
  But If I'm totally disconnected from that, all my choices about food are made in my head and I'm tired at the end of the day, I'm not going to make great choices or I'm going to do it from the wrong place or for the wrong reason.
• 44:08
  But instead of just listening to your body and knowing, like, I'm full, I want that, I'm starving, I want that, I'm going to eat a lot of that, that tastes really good, I'm going to enjoy that.
• 44:18
  Like the intuition, is what guides that.
• 44:21
  It also guides things like when am I done working?
• 44:23
  What's enough?
• 44:24
  Am I tired?
• 44:26
  Do I need to rest?
• 44:27
  Um, when we lose access to it and we train ourselves to override that for so long in one area, we lose access to it in all the areas too.
• 44:38
  Do you find that a lot of the women that you work with subconsciously keep doing that?
• 44:44
  That's one of the first habits that you to retrain them.
• 44:47
  Absolutely.
• 44:48
  Why are you working 70 hours a week?
• 44:52
  You're exhausted.
• 44:53
  You're burning out.
• 44:54
  Your business is stalled.
• 44:57
  You know, and you're just grinding, grinding, grinding.
• 45:00
  But they have for so long, or a lot of times learned at a very young age to just override.
• 45:07
  One of my clients, I tell this story in the book too, but I challenged her to take Fridays off in the summer.
• 45:13
  She now takes four vacations a week and her business has quadrupled in size.
• 45:20
  What needed to change, she couldn't, she's working 70 hours a week.
• 45:23
  Her husband was frustrated.
• 45:26
  She was exhausted.
• 45:27
  It was just this, hamster wheel she couldn't get off of.
• 45:31
  So what we built into her world, well, along with doing a lot of internal work though, is like guilt free play, regular rest and vacations.
• 45:43
  What happened as she did that, she started to attract a different kind of person, a different level of client, different level of revenue came into the business.
• 45:53
  Um, it's been astonishing to see the growth, of her financial wellbeing, her business.
• 46:00
  And then also she's serving people better because she's not exhausted because she kind of has reacquainted herself with that whisper.
• 46:11
  Do you think that, she enhanced her creativity and it brought best out of her?
• 46:19
  Don't you, I mean, I, it, she has to be more in tune with being able to access inspired ideas and to take action on them also.
• 46:30
  Yeah, yeah, it feels a little bit when I first start working with some people, they're like, well, that's not really going to work for me.
• 46:38
  Like, you don't really understand all the things I do and why I'm so busy, you know.
• 46:42
  And so it's like, it feels like I'm telling you to pedal backward when you've been pedaling forward, and that's how you got where you wanted to go.
• 46:49
  And then all of a sudden, someone's saying now to go to the next thing, you're actually going to pedal, way more slowly, but we're going to downshift the gear.
• 46:57
  We're going to do it from a different place and you're going to, you're going to cover more ground.
• 47:01
  You're going to enjoy it more.
• 47:03
  You won't be so exhausted.
• 47:05
  And that's the work I do.
• 47:07
  So cool.
• 47:09
  So cool It sounds amazing.
• 47:12
  I mean, I could see myself being one of the, persons that is like, but Amy, you don't understand if I do things the way you want me to do it, I'm going to slow down.
• 47:22
  Everything is going slow down.
• 47:24
  Nothing's going to get done.
• 47:26
  Absolutely.
• 47:27
  And that's, but again, we're hardwired to survive.
• 47:31
  So, when you have survived by going really fast and taking care of everything and doing it perfectly and over functioning, hyper functioning basically, your brain is going to be like danger, danger, danger, if you say slow down.
• 47:49
  And so that's, that's what's happening inside of a lot of my clients when they meet that resistance is just, you've survived.
• 47:58
  That's what you're hardwired to do.
• 47:59
  So of course your brain's going to freak out when you start to operate differently and it's going to feel uncomfortable.
• 48:07
  So Amy, for people that are listening right now, or watching, what are three pieces of advice that you would give them if they feel like they are stuck to get to the next level?
• 48:23
  One is take the tiny step, not the huge one.
• 48:28
  And when I say that, if there's a book that you can read.
• 48:33
  So if you, if it's just, I'm going to read, "I See You".
• 48:37
  And it's, that's your only tiny step that you take.
• 48:40
  Take the tiny step and then take the next step when it appears and then take the next step.
• 48:45
  But don't think, how am I ever, it feels too daunting to do more than that.
• 48:51
  So tiny, not big, really focus on millimeters.
• 48:57
  But two, also, we are not, human beings don't change on islands.
• 49:02
  We are designed to change within community.
• 49:06
  I've never seen lasting life change happen outside of a relationship with another human being.
• 49:13
  I was just talking to a potential client this weekend, actually, she was like, well, I've watched all of the YouTube videos about you know, this and I understand it logically, I know it intellectually.
• 49:27
  And I said, yeah, is it creating any change?
• 49:31
  No, because she's doing it in isolation.
• 49:34
  So I would say, find a place, whether it's with a coach or a mentor or a group or a class.
• 49:42
  But where you are actually, engaged in real life change while in relationships or a relationship with another human being.
• 49:51
  That's, that is where lasting life change happens.
• 49:55
  And then the third would be never feel guilty, never apologize, or feel like you need to explain an investment in growing you.
• 50:05
  I see this word guilt, oh, it's so overused by women.
• 50:11
  Guilt is something you feel when you do something harmful or wrong to another person.
• 50:18
  You investing in growing you is harming no one.
• 50:22
  You don't need to feel guilty.
• 50:24
  You don't need to apologize.
• 50:25
  You don't need to explain.
• 50:27
  Um, if there is an opportunity for you to read something or to join a group or to hire a coach or to work in some capacity to grow you, don't you dare apologize for it or feel guilty about investing money there.
• 50:42
  You are worth it.
• 50:44
  And it is the path of real change.
• 50:46
  And so that would be the third one.
• 50:49
  Great advice.
• 50:51
  Amy, what is the one thing that we've discussed today that you would like the listener or the viewer to hold close to her heart and just remember it?
• 51:03
  Where you want to go, the thing that feels unattainable or frustrating because you want it so badly, but you can't figure out how to get it, and you've been trying and trying and trying, working harder isn't the answer.
• 51:18
  You can't outwork your thought habits.
• 51:22
  And the reason I know that is because, if anyone could have, it would have been me.
• 51:28
  I gave it my best shot and I'm a good worker.
• 51:30
  But there comes a point where you cannot outwork your habits of thinking and you've got to stop and work on you.
• 51:38
  And then all the things you've been striving for externally will start to change in the craziest ways you could never imagine.
• 51:48
  And it's not from your working harder.
• 51:51
  Beautiful.
• 51:53
  When is your next Encounter, when does that open up?
• 51:58
  Yeah, absolutely.
• 51:59
  So, we start in February with my next group.
• 52:02
  Um, you can actually, check it out at amykemp.com.
• 52:07
  All of the information is under coaching and, uh, you can read all about the dates.
• 52:13
  What the program entails, the times, and then you can actually register for it right there.
• 52:19
  Great.
• 52:20
  Amy, thank you so much for coming on the show.
• 52:22
  I will include all of your links and information in my show notes.
• 52:26
  And what I was going to say is people need to go on your website so they can take that assessment.
• 52:32
  It's free.
• 52:32
  Absolutely Yeah, that is a fun first step to just a simple, free tiny baby step to take the Habit Finder.
• 52:40
  Absolutely.
• 52:42
  Thank you very much.
• 52:44
  Thanks, Carmen.
• 52:46
  And there you have it.
• 52:48
  Who knew that rethinking your, I have to, to, I get to lists could lead to more success and less burnout.
• 52:58
  Remember that Friday off story at the start?
• 53:02
  Now you see how one simple mindset shift can unlock possibilities you didn't even know existed.
• 53:10
  So here's your challenge, pick just one small habit tweak this week.
• 53:15
  Maybe it's giving yourself permission to rest without guilt and see where it takes you.
• 53:21
  If you got something out of today's conversation, be sure to share it, subscribe, or leave a comment.
• 53:28
  If you want more information about Amy, head on over to CreateTheBestMe.com\ep103.
• 53:37
  And of course, come back next week for another amazing episode created just for you.