Latest / Shared Light / Ep. 37 - Marriage in the Middle of the Mess: Joy, Laughter, and Being Present
Transcript
- Dustie & JR: Greetings all. Welcome to another episode of Shared Light with Dustie and JR. I am obviously JR. And I'm Dustie. how you doing? Getting better. It's good. Been sick. Yeah, you got really sick. You've been fighting whatever our daughter had for Yeah. I still sound sick, but I feel better. Yeah. What else happened last week or this past week? You turned forty five. I did. I did turn forty five. Been a lot going on here at home. Dustie's been sick. I have been trying to ignore being sick, as best I can. I actually decided this year I don't normally I don't feel like, but I decided this year to take a few days off of my birthday. Yeah. And really just took the time to just be at home and spend time with Dustie and the little one. Really, 'cause my other daughter had to go to school on my birthday. 'cause she had missed the first two days of the week. Yeah, 'cause she was sick. But It you know, it gave us a good chance to really just hang out and enjoy life. birthdays start looking really different in your forties, particularly when you're forty five. I think about like when we were in our twenties and thirties, it was always like a big deal and Yeah. You were just like excited to celebrate, I think. Yeah. And you're Doing these big extravagant things, having parties, having surprise parties. We usually went to jackpot trip. We we did jackpot trips a lot to to celebrate. and I mean you compare that to now and it is a stark difference in I think what we do to to keep us fun looks different now. Yeah, I feel like. Yeah. Because fun for me now is like we did. my birthday was on Thursday, but Wednesday I took the day off. got up. I did some work from home. Yeah. But not much. Not much. but I used the opportunity to get caught up on homework. I did a bunch of homework. played some Fortnite and really just conversed and again, Dustie's been sick, so Did what I could to help out to so that she wasn't feeling so just overwhelmed with everything 'cause she could barely get out of bed. I mean she was really sick. Yeah. The dogs are a right now. The dogs are a lot. Having to keep them, separated, moving around. we're actively trying to keep our our other dog who is now pregnant away from Can I have babies again. Well not again, but We'll have we will have an another round of babies. It's her first time being pregnant. Yeah. So, again, don't come at us. It was a not a planned thing. We've we were kind of irresponsible in the ownership department with our male and Luckily all of the puppies have gone to new homes except for our little one, Piggly Piggly Wiggily. and she's a terror, actually. but we've started introducing her to our other beagle, the male. reintroducing Peachy to the male. so we're trying to get them integrated back so that they're a normal pack so that they can all kind of hang out together so that they're we're not having swap them all over and keep them separated. It's getting a little easier, I feel like. Yeah. At least with letting them out. They've done really well. Petey's our male is he's done really well. He's such a good dog. Yeah, he is. And he he just he has a lot of energy, but he just wants to play. He wants to play with all the other dogs. And you know, pumpkin, our oldest girl, is heavily pregnant, she does not want to play. She's annoyed by him. But, you know, Peachy, the one that just had a litter a few months ago, she's back to herself and even more so I think now. Well and yeah stuff. she was always kind of old and crotchety. It's very she had a very weird demeanor when she was she was the one we always say call we would call the manager. She was the manager. She was the Karen. She didn't want anybody playing, would bark at them when they would start getting rowdy and be real quick to come and let us know that they were up to no good. And now, since she's had puppies She's totally different. Totally different dog. Totally different. She's playing with all of the dogs, the puppy. she's starting to do some things that are very naughty for her, which I she's never done. And just get into stuff like her puppy does and which I mean, it's fine. It's not a big deal, but I'm glad to see her out of her shell and so she's been playing with him a lot. So I think it's going well. we're not gonna be the ones to just automatically assume that they're all happy go lucky and just put all together right away. So we're just introducing them again. Well, and Petey's kind of a big dope, so We know that he's he's got the potential to hurt the puppy. 'cause he's really dopey and wild stallion. he I mean he he likes to play. He's a male, he's still pretty much a puppy himself. So Yeah, he's only a year and a half. He's a little bit rambunctious still. Yeah. but aside from that, to some degree that's been fun for me 'cause I have not really been experiencing all the dog they do drive me crazy. Yeah. This morning I could have killed them all because they just wanted to play. But it's been rambunctious It's been it's been an interesting way to turn forty five, I guess. very different. Then yeah, I mean I think one of the reasons that I wanted to discuss this topic. Number one, you posted about it the other day. Facebook and TikTok. And it got me thinking about You know, in the past we've had a tendency, I have had a tendency for sure, to really just focus on like once things settle down we'll we can have some fun. Or once things settle down, we can relax and do whatever. Yeah. And what gets lost, and I think what I've learned, especially this last week, is that we have a lot of fun amongst all of the chaos and noise. Yeah, in the middle of all of it. Right. which you should have. Yes, we may not be able to go on a trip, we've made it a real big priority over the past few years to go up. the people that I work for have a cabin up north. and they allow us to use it from time to time and we haven't been able to do that all summer. which was something that we've done a lot over the past few years. My girls have been asking for it. But it's hard to do when you've got puppies and pregnant dogs and you don't want to burden anybody with any of that. So we haven't really been able to do any of that. Go camping, any of the stuff that we normally do, right? Because it's been so busy. Yeah. School, dogs, illness, kids going back to school, injuries. Injuries, struggles with my daughter, you know, there's just been a l a lot. And Again, I'm one of the ones that really has a tendency to be like, well, once things settle out, maybe we'll take a trip, or maybe we'll do this, or maybe we'll do that. But you can't function and have the type of marriage that we have. And I would argue that you can't really have a productive relationship with somebody, whether it's a friend or a family member, whatever, somebody you're close to, without being able to have and take some time in those seasons to have some fun. Yeah. And do some things. Yeah. And for us, really that just looks like Now I mean there's no secret in the fact that we're both highly introverted, so we don't really care to go out very much. But we did go out and have dinner. We did. was it last week? With my boss and his girlfriend his girlfriend. And I mean it's always a good time when we get together with them. you know, took a detour on the way home from lunch or from dinner to just go and see a a store that we hadn't been to, grocery store. It's Market Street. Right. So, which may sound boring, but it was fun. It was it was a lot of fun actually. we got to see a what I call a Temu H E B here in Idaho. it's just not really, but I feel they took a lot of cues from what H E B represents in Texas. just in the way that they've got the layout and some of the stuff that they've incorporated and what. But it was still fun. I mean we got to have some snacks, got some stuff for the kids there. Nothing too crazy, but it was something that really just reinforces that you need to have fun with the people around you. Yeah. Because even when we get lost in the seasons that we're in, and we have been in one, we've talked about it repeatedly. We're still in it. We're still in it, right? But you need to make fun a priority as much as you make everything else a priority in your relationship. because I get to the point where I am very just focused on this needs done, this needs done, this needs taken care of, this needs taken care of. We need to make sure that this is done. you know, Dustie gets into the mode where she's doing school, doing planning food, making sure that we're all alive, have clothes, have everything going on. And in between all of that, it can start to feel like we're just kind of managing our duties. Yeah. And not functioning as a couple. Right. Right. So again It's about taking that deep breath in and being disciplined about having fun with your partner. Yeah. and we've had a lot of it this past couple weeks. especially this last week. Again, Wednesday, it was kind of a chill day. We sat around. did we order food that day? I feel like we might have ordered out or something. I was not remembering. No, no. I I I think that may have been the day that your mom brought us. yeah. Yeah, so No, I don't know. My sister has brought food, my mom has brought food. Right. so I don't know. They have taken care of us the last week. Yeah, so I mean, aside from that, it was really just about for her, taking the time to be a Good husband and let her relax and do what I can to relieve some of her stress. And sometimes that's the kind of break that I need to get me out of my yeah. Like you need that shift. Yeah, that hyper focus that I that I tend to gravitate to. Yeah. and then on, Thursday, my birthday, it wasn't anything extravagant. We went and had breakfast. Yep. We grabbed breakfast. We didn't go in anywhere. Well no, 'cause I mean you've been sick, so Yeah. but we did go and grab some breakfast. a random breakfast that I woke up and decided I wanted and thought it's my birthday, so why not, right? And we had gift cards. And we did have gift cards. And then came home. Really tried not to do a lot of work. really just tried to relax. I played some Fortnite. Dustie, even as sick as she was, made a cake and We allowed my oldest to pick dinner that night 'cause we had gone to breakfast without her. She was a little bummed. She was at school. Which surprisingly she picked something that I didn't think she was she would ever pick, but I'm not surprised. She was picked it because you liked it. And she was thinking, What does he like that I can eat that I I will also like? But got some phone calls, people reached out like they do on your birthday. But really it was just about enjoying my family and again, being able to pull away enough to zoom out my focus a little bit. we watch some shows. we've had some good laughs, we've had some good conversations. The dogs have been hilarious In instances and terror in other keep us busy. They do. And through it all we're trying to ensure that we're remaining positive. Yeah. Because really that spreads through our house pretty pretty quickly. Yeah, our kids feed off of us and so Sometimes I'm not the best at it. Like my mood will get the best of me, but I try to take the positivity out of even if it's I was injured. I was sick right after I started to feel better with my injury. I got pretty sick and I'm just barely getting over it, but you know, that doesn't mean that I have to be miserable. I may have felt miserable a few days ago. You did you did feel I mean there was points in times where look like you were ready to die. I mean, it yeah, I was sick. But My kids especially feed off of me and they take cues from both of us. So especially if we are verbal about certain things, like even just simple things like Something's wrong with that chicken. That looks weird. yeah. my god. Well what I can't eat that. What's wrong with that? That there's something bad. It's bad. I know it's bad. It's like, no, it it's fine. So I mean, that can easily spread w however, you know, if I'm negative about every single thing and I don't see the light in any of the dark that we are going through, then You know, that's pretty miserable, not just for me, but for everybody around me. So and you have to be able to look at like micro moments of fun that happened. And really just lean in on those. to Dustie's point, last night, I thought it was hilarious because we did get some food and when we received it, we both instantly looked at it and we're like, that's no bueno. Yeah. It's from a different place that's why. than our normal. And Not that there was anything bad with it. It just wasn't what we're used to. You know how you get with certain foods and you get a little snobby and So yeah, we both made a comment and both of my kids just wigged out. Like wigged out. Some The chicken's bad, this and that. And I mean they were legit worried, like pacing it in the kitchen and my god, I'm not gonna be able to eat that. They yeah. They just they feed off of everything. Our our moods, our words, you know, so And it's I'm like I said, to me it was hilarious just because I see that there's really nothing that I mean there was nothing wrong with any of it. It was really just our reaction being a little snobby and they took it like extreme, right? but they're also getting to that age where I need to remain positive because I do know that we set the tone in the house. And they are very much getting to an age where They're gonna start having a lot of emotions. they're going to I mean my youngest already is crazy moody. Yeah. And I think not even just being positive about things and and more even not so hyper focused on everything what you're trying to do or what you're doing or goals in this all the time because My little one especially feeds off of that if she feels any type of well dad's not giving me any attention, the same way that I do. I used to do that a lot. Like you're so hyper focused on work and school and whatever else that there's gotta be something wrong with us. Like there's something going on or there's something's wrong. And my little one starts to feel that way too when we get hyper focused on our situation or work or school or this or that or I'm hyper focused on the dogs the last few months because of I mean there's just four hundred and eighty two of But so she feeds off of that and she starts feeling like they just don't want to spend time with me. What's wrong with me? They don't like me. And so we have to be very conscious about that and along with trying to stay positive. Yeah. I mean we're setting the emotional tone in the house in most instances. Yeah. Because even my oldest, my oldest will get into situations where she's really at a point right now where she wants to talk to us, wants to be involved, wants to share her experiences with us. But if we're not paying attention, yeah. She's real quick to start picking fights to get that attention. Yeah. and it's nothing serious, but she will start actively picking at you so that you have to absorb what she's telling you. And Having fun, I think, helps show them for us. I feel like it is allowing them to see what a relationship is going to look like, what the what a healthy relationship is going to look like. Because again, we talked about this before, right? Whether you think so or not, you're going to emulate the people that you grew up around, the relationship that you've been exposed to. Many people emulate the way that their parents parent, their parents showed each other affection. And if we are so hyper focused and so just in the weeds with everything that's going on. And we're acting like everything is just a burden and that they have nothing to look forward to, like they're gonna get used to that. And they're gonna think that that's what marriage is. Yeah. They're not gonna they're gonna have that view of Why would I why would I get married? or even if I do get married, this is what it's supposed to be all the time. It's supposed to be dark and hard and Which is not anything you intend to show your kids. No. But I think that gets lost a lot of the times when we are raising children. Is that they see and they learn through a lot of the information they absorb just by their environment, right? Yeah. So for us it's almost second nature now to really be cognizant of the fact that we need to check ourselves sometimes when things are starting to get a little bit heavy in our house or we've got things going on. not to say that we're hiding anything from them or I mean they know when things are heavy and they know I mean we're not being dishonest with our kids either, but there's just some things that we feel like they're not really burdens that they need to bear. I mean it's not anything that they need to carry. Right. ten and eleven year olds are I guess they're eleven and twelve now almost. you know, it's just not stuff for them that they need to worry about or carry in their day to day life. it's just not a worry for them. So those things will come in time that I'm sure they'll have to face and we'll be able to teach those lessons to them. But as far as our marriage and our life and how we do things, that's they don't need to know every detail. No. and the more that we are able to focus on laughter and the more fun we're able to have in situations like this. Again, in our twenties it was all about the party. It was all about this big extravagant thing. And if you continue that, like if we were continuing that now, like my kids get to a point where they think that that's the only way to celebrate, which is not always the case, right? And we do throw parties for them and have them invite their family, but they are starting to also get accustomed to the way that we do things, right? So the way that we celebrate in our family is it's a very close knit family event. they're welcome to invite friends if they want to, but most of the time it's they just want to spend time with the cousins, with the aunts, the uncles, with their grandparents and us. because it's special to them, right? And that is meaningful. And some of that is just by sheer absorption of the way we have handled our birthdays and the way we have handled some of our moments where things are are special for us, special events, you know, things like that. So And Allowing ourselves to also be more positive I feel like. this past week we've had some things go on and again I've expressed that I tend to try and be very stern and and I'm very overprotective over my girls and have some expectations of them as they get older. but I also know that I need to allow them to be kids. I need to show them how to have fun and learn that way as well. I'm trying to ensure that they're in an environment that they want to be in. Yeah. Yeah, because it's more about I think for us, especially in we want them to grow and learn all of these lessons, but they're not gonna do that and be able to absorb what we need them to. if it's a constant lecture after lecture after lecture after lecturer you know, everything that they do or don't do is a lecture, lecture. and so we've made it to where we are actively having conversations, with our kids and a lot of the times it's laughing with them about even if it's a serious topic, there's always some sort of story or something someone says that's funny about it and it's just an open like, I referred to it as like a open door policy that we have with our kids. And so even if it's something that I don't necessarily want to talk about with them or it's something that's gonna be hard for them or it's a lesson that they need to learn that is kind of grueling as they enter their teens. But you've had a situation like that this week. Yeah. Yeah. But it's more for me coming at it like it doesn't have to be just a sit down, knockout, lecture because our kids are not receptive of that because that's just not how we parent. I guess. I mean we do have those moments where we sit down and we do I mean we have serious conversations too, but What I'm trying to say is that we have a lot of laughter and joy along with these kind of lectures with learning. Yeah. Yeah. So It's an inviting environment, I guess. Yeah. So that and that's hard stuff to And and I think that that has been our goal since they were little is to try and make sure that we're transparent, number one, but that also We want our kids to be able to come to us with anything. And you can't do that if you're a strict authoritarian. Yeah. you also can't be their best friend because there are situations where you need to be the parent and you need to be the adult. So finding that balance for us has been crucial to ensuring that we're able to help promote, them being healthy adults at some point. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's where we talked about it last episode where we kind of balance each other out as mom and dad because you're very much the authoritarian. And I'm very much the I wanna I feel like I mean, they're already my best friends, but I don't want to make them upset or make them emotional so I feel like you and I we have found that balance between our two extremes. Right. Well and I I think but at the end of the day we're still not looking to alienate our kids, which I think at this age and in the coming years, yeah. That's going to be something that drives a lot of our conversations because it's easy to alienate your kids when they're at that age. Mm-hmm. and I understand that. And I understand that there are gonna be challenges and they're gonna be kids and they're gonna do and say things that are gonna be hurtful and it's just part of the process of growing up and exploring who you are and what you value and what your ideals are gonna be and Yeah. Test those boundaries. It it's a natural progression in life, right? But This past week has really affirmed for me that sometimes I do need to zoom out because I'm not able to focus on those things if I don't keep things at the door. if I come home stressed out from work and not actively engaged in what's happening here at home, it's hard for me to be present in the moment to be able to have some of that fun and be able to enjoy some of those things that we were able to enjoy this week. the trap that a lot of people fall into is if you start comparing yourself and what your family's doing to what's going on in social media, it's really easy to fall into that trap of where you're looking to try to be what everybody else is being in social media or whatever. the Joneses. Keeping up Keeping up with the Joneses. But and then a big one for me, and I would say for you as well, is just sometimes we overload our schedules. and it's easy to do, surprisingly. Yeah. because you have a lot of other commitments that do not involve just your family. Yeah. I've got commitments at school, I've got commitments at work, I've got commitments with our business, this podcast. Like there's a lot of stuff that we Are putting on ourselves. That Can if you let it really interfere with a lot of that joy and fun that yeah that you really should prioritize. So it was a really good chance to reset for me. Which you did make that comment, I feel like, last week. When you said it's always when I'm at my wit's end that I take time off and then I'm able to just kinda Yeah relax and reset. I think in your mind you you won't do it. I can't take time off. I can't take a moment. and then I think that your body and situations arise that it's like well then we're gonna force ya. You're gonna do it either way. You're gonna have to. Yeah, because I did mention that I took Wednesday, Thursday, Friday off. but on Monday and Tuesday I was starting to feel pretty crappy. And Wednesday when I woke up, I was feeling pretty terrible. I ignored it as best I could. and still did what I could around the house. But I imagine if I would have had to try to go to work that day, I wouldn't have made it all day. and then on my birthday I just didn't do a whole lot. But I I mean I didn't feel good, but I think it allowed me to rest enough that come Friday, Saturday I was feeling a little bit better. Today I I've had a headache, but I was able to not get as sick as you did. but I think a lot of that was again that reset, that being able to take time and just cut out all the noise and focus on what's important. you know, rest is important. sleep is important. Listening to your spouse when she's telling you that you need to take some time off is important. I think for you i I start to notice that you need your mind more than anything needs a r a rest. Like a A reset. It needs to not be so overloaded with things. Well, and I think those are the times when you start really supporting and trying to carry some of my load and you're a lot more patient with me. you try to lighten the mood a lot more. So I mean I see it. It's just not always something that I'm ready to do right in the moment. Willing to do it. Yes. Maybe eventually, but you're not always I am the first one to say, I I need a reset right when I need it. I have no issue. you know, as long as the kids are taken care of and dogs and stuff, but if I have to do it, I have to do it. But if I can get a reset in there or I mean you'd take some good some rest. Some good naps this week. I'm yeah, I do not feel bad about it. But I do that for myself and you don't. So you don't do that for yourself. I mean I feel like naps are a waste of time. You wait till it's like crucial and then you do it. yeah, I mean I don't wanna say that I was I mean maybe I was on the verge of losing my my mind a little bit, but I mean we didn't really want to find out, so that's probably good that I took time off but And as you can see, just even that little bit of a mental reset that I have had, I'm in better spirits. really I'm just thankful that we've had a lot of joy this week. It's been fun to be at home. I lose sight sometimes of how much fun me and Dustie have when we're together, just doing whatever randomness we're doing, whether it's getting up and randomly going and finding Chicken fried steak first thing in the morning or like I said, going to a random store that we hadn't been to just to check it out to see what was so different about it. Which I will say that they do have a band, which was kind of they do have live music. That was crazy. On the weekends. but that I was gonna say when you have those times it also opens up a lot more conversation that maybe you're not having when you're having those hard times or those, moments of stress or you're so focused on everything else. 'Cause I feel like even though it was like, yeah, we did take some time to go to dinner and and checked out, Albertsons, but it invited a lot of conversation that whole entire day and evening and that maybe you don't get with your spouse just on a normal when you're so focused on the day to day and the life life commitments that you have. Yeah. So it's not I mean, for me I guess it was fun to go to dinner and see friends and check out Albertson's but also the bigger side of it for me was just enjoying the conversations that we have. Which we have had a lot of those this week. Yeah. that we don't really we're pretty much on a schedule. Our days, our weeks, Between the kids and the dogs and work and school and I have the house thing our youngest, she has school at home and so even though we're together and we're talking I mean, I feel like we're intentional. We're pretty intentional with the conversation we have. It's just when you start having fun like that and when you really prioritize it the way we have, especially these last, few days. Yeah. It's a different type of conversation. It's a different level of conversation. Yeah. it's a lot more lighthearted, but you're able to discuss things that really just show you your partner's light. Yeah. I don't think I shut up all night that night. I had a lot to say, I think, that night. but well and again, that's it's one of the things that You can lose sight of, especially like for us that have been together for twenty years, you'd think we'd run out of things to talk about, but we don't ever. We've always got things to talk about. And there's again, it's a different level of conversation when you're having fun, when you're in a joyous moment. whether it's talking about our kids, our goals, our vision for the future, where we see ourselves next week. our dogs. Our dogs has been a big topic. Our four beagles. we do have four beagles and two cats and two kids. And Kind of a zoo. Yeah. it's fun though. I mean, you'd have a hundred if we could. yeah. I mean that one lady has thirty five. Thirty five. She walks them all at the same time. Like I don't even know how you don't get a noise complaint from that. Our beagles No, she has like thirty acres. Our Beagles are very vocal. But I mean really the biggest takeaway for this is you need to remember That having fun is a priority. It should be a priority. In any relationship. But especially in marriage. Because you're married to your best friend. Mm-hmm. You obviously had a really good time to get to the point where you got married. And that is what will keep a marriage strong over a long period of time. It's being able to focus in prioritize that enjoyment that the two of you have. it's often when you lose sight of that and get bogged down with a lot of the daily struggles and again we've we've run into situations where we go into autopilot or we're so hyper focused on our things that we're not as intentional with each other. And even through being intentional with each other, we found that this reset really just Takes it to another level. So it's important to do your best to inject, even if it's something super mundane, like sitting on the couch watching a show with somebody, how you Put in some of that unexpected fun or you know, laughter. Laughter, yeah. My kids are hilarious. I have found. Pretty funny. And then the way you celebrate, those small moments. It doesn't always need to be big and and flashy and extravagant. I do know that that is something that was really important to me in my younger years, maybe, but as you get older you find that really it's about the the quality of the relationships around you that matter. And being able to spend time with my best friend over the last five ish days, twenty four seven, has been a good reset for me. it's got me again in better spirits. I don't feel like I'm stuck in any situation that I was feeling stuck in. heavy, right bogged down with everything. And we're I mean, we're still in a season and we're still going through things, but I feel like I can at least approach it in a different mindset. I'm able to have a better vision of how we come out of this and where we're going after this. so being able to prioritize fun should be the greatest takeaway that you've taken from this episode because it is important. Yeah. I think in anything you do though, your marriage, your friendships, your your daily life. I mean your work. It's finding that just finding that joy in it, because at the end of the day then what's the point? Right. You can't constantly wait for next week it'll be better. Next month it'll be better and then I can have fun and celebrate or have that joy from it. Find it now. Find it now in in this moment, whatever it is. And don't be afraid to express that gratitude. Again, I'm thankful for everybody that wished me happy birthday this week, that went out of their way to come see me, sent me text messages, my mother in law, my father in law, my wife going out of her way to make it a big deal even though I didn't want it to be. and my kids. I mean my kids were super super excited about it and my daughter made me a card at school. Which I didn't want to cry in the moment, but It was It was good to see and it was a very joyous occasion that has helped really just again help me reset. And if nothing else, that should drive you to to have more joy in your life because it does allow you to have some clarity on life and the priorities in your life for sure. So with that, I do want to call attention to our website, www. sharedlightpodcast.com we do have a shop section with some swag. we do have a way to get in contact with us. All of our episodes are on the website. there's some other information on there if you want to get a hold of us in any other capacity for whether it be work or whatever it may be. And make sure you're what do they say? Like, share and subscribe. on the various social media channels. we do really appreciate everybody being a part of this journey with us. And we will catch you on the next one.