Latest / The Rooted Family / Ep 32 | When Did Childhood Become Too Busy? (Have We Gone Too Far?)

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Ep 32 | When Did Childhood Become Too Busy? (Have We Gone Too Far?) · The Rooted Family

• Christian Cornish: our time always reveals what we care about. And if we are giving all of our free time to our children's activities, what that's really saying is that we're making our child the center of our schedule. And we would be the first to say, like, that is not a healthy mindset to have when raising a family. And in fact, when we make the child the center and we make their activity the most central part of what we're doing in our family life, we are actually sacrificing a lot else. So we're sacrificing our marriage, we're sacrificing our peace in our home, we're sacrificing our spiritual growth. I mean, there's a lot that we sacrifice when make the kid the central part. Well, hey everyone. Howdy howdy. Welcome back to the Rooted Family Podcast for episode 31. Today we're talking about kids' activities. When is enough enough? And by the end of this episode, you will have a framework for evaluating your kids' sports and activities. And not just based on what everyone else is doing, but on whether those commitments are actually helping your family become more rooted. And that's really what we're all about here at this podcast is helping families become more deeply rooted. And so when did our childhood become so busy? Like when did the expectation for being a kid meant that you're going to be involved in multiple sports, potentially a traveling sports team, also do an instrument, also do the clubs, like all the things. when did that become synonymous with being a kid? I think it started when we were young. I mean, admittingly we're older millennials or middle range. I don't even know the cutoff. But we're millennial people. Uh-huh. And so we did grow up in a time where you could play on traveling tournament teams, but they definitely felt less intense. I remember there were like tears. So I I played baseball growing up and I wasn't on like the high traveling team. if you were gonna rank where were all the people playing. There was like one team up here where they were playing all the time. All those guys played high school baseball. Some of them went on to college. and I played on let's call it a lower level underneath it, where we could play against those guys. but it wasn't as intense as that. And now I mean, it just feels like there's leagues everywhere in every sport. That travel and are gone all the time. Yeah. And I don't think that our parents even had that level of intensity I think for their childhood it was mostly they're out riding their bikes until the lights went out. Yeah. They came home or they had a job. I think it really is the millennial generation that is kind of the first generation where kids' childhood involves a higher level of activities. And we're also probably continuing that the first generation that has thought of that as giving our children more than we have. So we always want to do more for our kids than our family or generation was able to do before us. Yeah. And that's a good desire. but It can become a misplaced desire. Where I think now it's a very relevant conversation and it's a very relevant question to say have we swung too far away from the family unit because when the kids are out on the field and one parent, maybe two parents are in the stand and then there's other kids you're not a connected unit anymore. No. And it's probably why there's even conversations around family dinner. not being a thing. I don't think two or three generations ago it was even fathomable to think like we'd be out of the home multiple nights a week doing all these different activities away from the family. Yeah. Yeah, the nuclear family I think in the larger discussion is at play here. And I wonder if we have lost sight of the simple rhythms of a family life. And and in turn, we've almost made the child the central part of the home. And and our actions show that. When we look at our time, our time always reveals what we care about. And if we are giving all of our free time to our children's activities, what that's really saying is that we're making our child the center of our schedule. And we would be the first to say, like, that is not a healthy mindset to have when raising a family. And in fact, when we make the child the center and we make their activity the most central part of what we're doing in our family life, we are actually sacrificing a lot else. So we're sacrificing our marriage, we're sacrificing our peace in our home, we're sacrificing our spiritual growth. I mean, there's a lot that we sacrifice when make the kid the central part. Now we'll get into that further in the episode, but I think what really triggered this episode for us, we've had a lot of discussions recently because we have kids who are growing up, and we are very much approaching this in real time in our family. And we are not bringing this to the table because we are here to tell you we have it figured out, and we're here to tell you exactly what you should do for your family. that is Definitely not the case. No, this really comes from a heart of self-evaluation about what's the most important thing in your family life? What are you actually trying to build toward? And are these activities you're choosing to participate in building toward that? Or are they unintentionally, I truly believe for the most part unintentionally, taking away from where you're you want to go as a family and where you feel like the Lord has called you. we are an active family. We have kids in music things and in sports activities and I coach some of those things. So we are a family who is out in our community just like you are participating in these things. Yeah. we can also confidently say we are not over exerting ourselves in these areas. We're not on traveling teams. we're not in this this space where we're gone on the weekends. and so we're kind of just giving you a quick picture of where we're at because I'm sure there are people out there who say you should do all the activities. Like that's definitely one end of a spectrum. And then there's the other end that says Don't do anything. Yeah. Be out of this stuff. And so I guess what we're trying to do in our family is land somewhere a little more up the middle in a way that works for us and we're comfortable with. And something that I think that the 21st century parent has to work through that maybe other generations have not worked through is that just the society and the culture today is a lot more intense when it comes to what we're giving our kids even earlier. Like even think about kindergarten. when you and I were in kindergarten, I mean I went half day to kindergarten and I don't even think that was required. And maybe we were learning colors and like numbers and things like that. Today's kindergartners are there all day. if you don't know how to read basically by the time you get into kindergarten your child's behind. And so you take that even into the level of like physical activities. Kids are almost just expected to do more intense things earlier in life. And I look at some small children who are doing crazy flips, they're in gymnastics at like one and a half years old, and they're doing crazy flips by like two. Or, you know, kids are on travel ball by like five. And so I think as a you know, modern Christian and being a 21st century parent, we are in the midst of trying to figure out how do we help our kids become successful, you know, contributing adults someday. And the pressure of, well, everyone else is doing this. So how do we keep up? have you ever felt that before? how do we make sure our kids are doing as well as the fast paced world around us? I think it becomes true, especially when you are spending time around families that are doing a lot of activities and you're hearing them share the great accomplishments they're having. And it's really tempting to think, I would love for my kid to accomplish XYZ. But when I'm rational and I'm just stepping back and thinking, like, what am I really trying to give my children? And is that aligned with sports and activities? And there are good things that can come from sports and activities. And I think one, there's A lot of other ways to get those exact same benefits around teamwork, around hard work, around dedication, around not giving up. There's a lot of other ways to learn those things. And so activities and sports are a great way to do that. And I don't want to discount that, but it's not true to say they're the only way to do that. Totally. And I think the second thing I think about also is. You know, what is this really giving my child? I only have, for the most part, let's call it 18 years. Like if I put on that mindset, and I've been thinking more about this, especially as our our boys get older, and I think about, you know, the responsibility I have as a father to in impart upon them what it means to be men and fathers themselves someday. What do I want them to know when they leave this house? And there's only so much time. So You know, sports and activities may end up subtracting from that time. And what if they leave my home? Sure, they might be really great at some sport, but what if they don't know how to budget or balance a budget or you know, all the car, change a tire. Yeah. Or what if there are character skills that I should be working with them on, but because they were away from me or you for so long, we don't actually develop that character in them. And I I just think that it's a great opportunity to really step back and say, Hey, what do I need to raise the children, children of the Lord? Yeah. And are they gonna get that from this activity or not in their life? I think that I think you bring up a good point because it's kind of the mindset of youth group. Like we don't send our kids to youth group or Sunday school because we wanna pawn off spiritual development. To our youth pastor or to other church leaders. And I think the same thing goes with sports. Like I think sometimes we think, well, if we put our kids in sports, we're almost like unintentionally or maybe subconsciously thinking we're gonna pawn off this character development. Like, well, they're in sports because you know, it is growing their character and it is making them a hardworking individual and it teaches them how to lose well, win well. But I think you're right is that. We can't have the mindset that that's the only thing that can develop our kids in that way. Because if we believe that, then yeah, I can see why parents put their kids in so many activities. I even heard it once, and I shared this with you, another parent had expressed to me that their kids were in activities like five, six days a week, because if they weren't, then they were just at home on screens. And so this was their way to. Of keeping their kids off screens. My goodness. and that's that raises a bigger question of what are our boundaries as parents? And I think that's why I think this is the perfect time for this episode because we're all heading in, most of us are heading into a new school year, and many opportunities are coming our way. We all are probably asking very similar questions on Should we let our kids, you know, say yes to this club or this sport? Or, you know, we're trying to balance all the different moving pieces of our schedule this fall. And I think it comes back to as the parents raising a rooted family, what are our boundaries for our family? And then that in turn helps us to decide what's enough. And where can we say yes? Where can we say no? we literally just walked through this exact conversation within the last two weeks because our oldest daughter, Azalea, she's in seventh grade and she has been growing in her dance skills and she it loves ballet. Ballet is her passion. She's been dancing since she was very young, just one class a week kind of girl. But as of recently, she's grown so much so much in her skills that she is going to be going on point soon, which in the ballet world is a very big deal. And so she has her new point shoes. And of course, when you you are growing in your dance skills, you're expected to do more classes and be at the studio more often. And she even had the invitation to join the competitive team, which is the company. And so we struggled with that. We're like, okay, we're seeing our daughter grow in her passion, in her skills. She has this beautiful desire to be an an amazing, excellent ballerina. And at the same time, we have six other children and we also care deeply about family dinner and we want to prioritize youth group and We wanted even do our own discipleship, our own Bible study at home. And so we kept going back and forth. We're like, okay, we know she wants to take these classes, but we also want to be at the dinner table as a family X amount of times per week. And we also know some of our other kids want to do some sports and some instruments. And so we are in a very real situation where Where we're trying to figure this out ourselves, which is like I think why we started this episode saying, we don't have this figured out because we we truly are not experts at this. But I would say that we are trying to stay true to our core values, which is keeping God first and then keeping our family second. And if you haven't yet listened to our roots episode I would highly encourage you to go back because a few episodes ago, we talked about how to t determine your family roots, which are your family values. And wouldn't you say that knowing your family roots is almost critical to this conversation? Yeah, I actually hadn't pondered that before this conversation, but it really did influence a lot of our recent decisions around this whole topic. And I don't think we could have made a good decision that worked for us without knowing it. Because I've been thinking about how we had to set certain boundaries, as you said. And those boundaries that really do come from our roots and our values. Because if we want God to be first, then we have to have space for Him in our life. And our we really believe that means our finances should reflect that. That means our time should reflect that. That means like how we talk to each other and what we choose to do at around the dinner table and how we spend that time around the dinner table, all these things, all are a part of him. And I think about family always. So we should be able to look at our time and the decisions we make and say, does that show, does that reflect we actually value our family? And being together and you and I raising these kids together. Mm-hmm. And, you know, there's so much more there, but it really did lay a great foundation because for instance, it does allow us to say, hey, there are certain nights of the week we just don't want to be gone. Yeah. And that boundary has been so good for us this year because it really did give us a lot of clarity to say, okay, we're willing to do certain things around this dance situation, especially because you know, older kids have that harder commitment. So it allowed us to say yes to the right level of dance, but also allowed us to turn around and say, you know, we can't dance five to six nights a week. Mm-hmm. That's available. That's awesome that it's it's there. And that is really hard when there are other people seeing the talent that your child has. Or like everybody else is doing that. Can I ask you something? When was the last time you actually felt at peace? Not just productive, not just caught up, but settled. Because most of us aren't lacking desire for a slower, deeper life, we're just stuck in the busyness that keeps us rushing right past it. That's why we created the Slow and Savor Society. It's a snail mail club. Yes, it comes straight to your mailbox. It's a simple, tangible way to slow down each month with a piece of art, a cozy recipe, and a letter designed to help you reconnect with what actually matters, with God, with your family, and with your own soul. if your life has felt full, but not meaningful. This is your invitation to begin again. You can learn more or join us at legacyrootsco.com slash Mel Club. And right now, if you use Code Podcast, you'll get 50 % off your first month so you can try it out. Now back to the episode. And you had talked about how when you were recently amongst moms in this kind of situation. And I don't know, maybe share more with us because I think it gives a really great view into what people are struggling with and how they feel about this in reality. 'cause I thought that was really eye opening and it wasn't one person specifically you spoke to That shared these things, you pointed out like three, four, or five people that were sharing the same sentiments in individual separate conversations. Yeah, we come across many different parents that have their kids involved in a lot of different sports. And specifically, you know, I'm at the dance studio, so I'm talking to a lot of different dance moms, and it almost was a similar thread that their daughters were dancing most nights or days of the week. you can just tell the moms were not excited about that. perhaps they were excited to sign them up for it, knowing that their daughters were getting an amazing you know opportunity to dance frequently. But I can tell from speaking to several of these moms that it's exhausting. Like they are purely exhausted by dancing five, six days a week. And it wasn't life-giving anymore. It was almost like dance has become, and it's not just dance. I mean, I've never met a parent who has their kid in a sport every single day of the week or most days of the week. And they just have this like refreshed, joyful, peaceful look on their face. It usually is followed up with, we are so dang busy. And on top of that, I had a few comments from parents that had shared how much debt that they had gone into to put their kids in this. So I I think what I'm realizing right now is almost like the The pride of our kids in what our kids are doing. And so we're willing to sacrifice time, resources, energy, finances to have our kids do these things because we know if they are in travel ball or they're in dance these many days a week, or they're in gymnastics and they're competing all over the country. It's like, as a parent, of course, we're so proud. Out of our kids doing that. But I wonder if we are thinking that's a reflection on our parenting. When really it's not. I mean, it's a reflection on your ability to pay for all of that and to put your kids in all of that and to sacrifice time for all of that. And most importantly, it's your kid. Your kids doing the work. But I just wonder if we are putting this pressure on ourselves. As a parenting generation, because we find so much pride. And maybe it's not the pride, maybe it's truly you are just sacrificing for your kids at the end of the day and you just want the best for them. That could be it too. But I just wonder, if if this is draining you so much as a parent, you're giving up so much of your time, I mean, we we believe whatever you say yes to, you're saying no to something else. that is something we keep at the forefront of our family all the time. So if you're saying yes to all of these practices and games and competitions and clubs and things you have to be at, and yet you are willing to sacrifice the things you actually care more about, church, youth group, family time, family dinner, time to just rest, to Sabbath. Like at the end of the day, who's really in charge of our lives? I think we all have to realize we get the choice to just say no. Yeah. There's a cost that I think is unaccounted for. Like Jesus talks about this, right? Like Count the costs before you build something. And I think the problem is this is costing us all emotionally. It's costing us all financially. And it's costing us all spiritually. And I I would say to a lot of people, there's value to pausing and saying, okay, that's building something. And are you happy with what you're building? And I think what you came home and expressed to me the other day. was that you're finding a lot of people were not happy with what they were building. So what does that cost to you? I think is what we're finding a lot of people are not thinking through and they're not evaluating and they're just living in in misery, hoping and trying to say, well, I'm just taking joy in what my kid is getting out of this and what they want out of it. And I think we've lost the fact that we're we're a whole family. everybody's affected by this. And so what do you want? What do you need? as an entire family unit. I almost wonder what is actually like biblically speaking, what are we required as as Christian parents to do as far as activities go for our kids? what what would you say to that? Well, I'd say you have absolutely no requirement whatsoever to put your kid in an activity. you just don't have that. we are just required to raise a child up in the way they should go. And you don't have to play a sport. I actually I I stopped to think about this. There's a probably a lot of kids out there that just get overlooked in in so many ways because they don't play sports or they don't play activities. And I've met some of these kids in the last few years. Truthfully, maybe it's because they're homeschooled. so they already have this mindset of not being in everything or being out in the world. But you meet them and you're like, holy cow, these kids are gonna become great people. And you actually start to wonder what's more important here? Like, am I trying to raise up great people or am I trying to raise up a great athlete? but when we're trying to raise up a child in the way they should go, that is our responsibility. I mean, I know a guy, he's amazing, absolutely amazing. One of my close friends, your close friends, he's a doctor, like a high-end, very specialized doctor. And his parents fed him and they f they fed themselves. Like they grew their own food. They raised their own animals, like they scraped by. And he is an an amazing man of incredible character. Of so much greater depth than ninety nine percent of men I've ever met in my life. And he just has this character that I just look so much up to. his parents gave him love, they taught him so much. about life and getting through and getting working through hard times and finding a way. So many incredible lessons. And I just think people like that when you meet them, it really reminds us and puts that back in perspective of sports and activities I don't think could have ever given my friend what I see in him today. Well, I think you bring up the thought that maybe we're overemphasizing the value of sports and underemphasizing the value in other things that can really develop our children. It does kind of feel like in today's world, if you're gonna raise up a successful child. it almost feels like the child should excel at some sort of sport or instrument or doing something. And you know, there's so many things that as parents, we have skill sets in. Like I'm a watercolor artist and you played tennis growing up. And there are other skills and activities like you love to smoke meat and to grill on the blackstone. I'm glad you clarified what came after the word smoke because a lot of other words could have came after and especially you know living in Colorado you just never know. but there's things that we're good at as parents that we're competent in that we can for example, the Bible. You and I both have spent our a significant part of our adulthood and your childhood studying and learning about the Bible. And there are just things That we can teach our kids and spend significant time imparting these bits of knowledge that have nothing to do with being in an organized activity. It could truly be your own organized activity where you are deciding like every Monday night, we are working on the car. And learning about how to change attire and how to change oil and how to do these things, or every Tuesday afternoon, we're learning how to be in the kitchen and make food and bake and food safety and all the things. I think that there's such an under-emphasis on the value of the free things we can do at home to develop our children, to root our children. And at the end of the day. I mean, the percentage is so small of kids who will go off and play a professional sport or do an instrument professionally as their main career. Like it's less than one percent. And this goes back to the values of our family. there will be some families listening that say that sport is one of their top five core values. Like we know a couple of families where sport is in probably that top five. But I would say it's pretty rare. I think a lot of families that have their kids in a lot of sports probably wouldn't say that sport or athletics is the top value for their family. you know God designs all of our families differently. So we're not here to judge or to shame anyone that you know has their kids in a lot of activities, sports, instruments or whatever the case is. I just think that what we are here today is to talk about can we just be honest about what is our family about? And can we just align our time and our kids' time to reflect that? Yeah, I think another way of saying it is we would like to challenge you, raise your level to take a moment to evaluate what is this what is this doing to us? how is this forming us? How is this shaping us? And is that what we really want? Yeah. Are we gonna have the most sense of of accomplishment, of pride, of feeling like we fulfilled our calling in our roles as moms, in our roles as dads, in our role as a family? And I mean, truly in our communities, like if you want to think bigger, when your people are in need and they need support or you think about what really makes a healthy community in the long run, I mean, activities are just not high on the list. so I just think that really what we're trying to do is call you to take a moment to really reflect and really ponder and say, am I hey hey, if your current level of activity is perfectly aligned and you are joyful in it, you're happy in it, you frankly can afford it, all of those things, I mean, that's amazing. And l we love that for you and we are so glad. I I definitely think that This comes from us having I would say multiple moments where we've stopped and said, We are doing too much. Yep. And so we are totally in this position. We have been in this position. We've had to stop and say, There's gotta be an adjustment here because for us this is not sustainable or this is not affordable, or we don't like the wh entire picture of our marriage. We don't like the entire picture of our life right now. And we can feel it's this tension of being outside of our family environment more than we want it to. Yeah. And you're probably listening to this episode because the title intrigued you. And you are probably wondering when is it too much? Like how do we know when say no? Or how do we know when to adjust or to simplify? Because we get it. Like if your kids are already involved in a lot of things, it probably will hurt if the Lord is convicting you, like, okay, our family has gone in too far. We're too involved now. We have to take a step back. You know, it might hurt in the short term to tell your children, like, hey, we're not gonna do X, Y, and Z this this fall or this year. Because frankly, our family needs more time together, or we need more rest time, or we need more margin, or whatever the case is, or we need to not go into any more debt. You know, whatever the the reason is, it's gonna hurt. And at the same time, it's realizing what are you gonna gain by saying no to too much. And I think the lesson we've learned that is our encouragement to you is that you can do activities. You can do sports and you can do them in a rhythmic way. that may not look like raising a kid to be a a division one college athlete, but it doesn't mean you have to keep him out of those things. Well, and you you can develop these character qualities of discipline, perseverance, teamwork, humility, excellence, you know, handling disappointment, commitment, sacrifice, like all these amazing qualities. they can learn these things from things like chores. Playing with their siblings or serving their siblings, helping the neighbors. You know how many times our kids are baking and bringing things out to the neighbors or helping with their yard work? even working alongside of us. We've already shared that, you know, us as parents, doing things together as a family. we love to ski together. We love to go hiking together. You know, there are things that you can teach your kids about these amazing. amazing character qualities they can simply do right at home. It's not an either or it can be a both and. And I think we're all just trying to figure out like what's the healthy balance here so that way we can raise up a rooted family. Yeah. Rooted kids, rooted adults. Amen. Preach it. Maybe you're listening to this episode and you're thinking, okay, wait a minute, are we doing too much? And maybe you're realizing that your family has slowly gotten to a place where you're outside of your home more than you want to be. And maybe you're constantly running from one thing to the next, or perhaps your marriage is feeling the strain. Maybe your finances are feeling the strain. Maybe you've just lost some of those simple family rhythms that you really value. Or maybe you're listening and thinking, honestly, we're doing great. What we're involved in is really working for our family. And if that's you, I'm so happy for you. That's wonderful. we're not here to tell every family that they need to do less. But if this conversation has made you stop and wonder, have we crossed the line? How would we even know? That's actually what we're going to be talking about this next week on the podcast. We're going to make this really practical. And we're going to walk you through some quick signs that your kids' activities may have become too much. Almost like a little diagnostic that you can use to step back and look at your own family. Because sometimes it's hard to see it when you're in the middle of it. You just know you're tired. You just know that your calendar is so full. And That you're running all over the place. But there are some specific questions that we can ask ourselves that can help us recognize, like, okay, maybe this is costing our family more than we're willing to give. So there is hope. So come back next week because we're gonna help you answer all these questions. And as always, our goal isn't to give you a perfect formula for your family. It's simply to help you pause, pay attention, And ask, is what we're saying yes to helping our family become more rooted? Or is it slowly pulling us away from the thing that matters most? We'll see you next week. Bye now.