Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / BLINDSIDED: The Divorce You Swear Came Out Of Nowhere | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep492

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BLINDSIDED: The Divorce You Swear Came Out Of Nowhere | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep492 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_03: Blindsided, the divorce you swear came out of nowhere.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_03: Getting your partner on board.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_03: The impact that impacts trust.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_03: Erectile dysfunction.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_03: Sexless marriage versus a lack of intimacy.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_03: Manipulation, boundaries, and covert contract.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_03: Why closure is a myth in modern relationships.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_03: Blindsided.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_03: The divorce you swear came out of nowhere.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_03: Welcome to the Moral Marriage Podcast, guys.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_03: And I just, this is a subject that I I I just it's going so viral right now.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_03: We have other terms.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_03: People talk about gray divorce now.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_03: We talk about the rug getting pulled out a lot on this podcast.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_03: Um, this is moving a lot on Reddit and social media in general.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_03: And this is a topic that I can't fucking understand.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_03: That it's a surprise.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: I know, especially with what like all the facts that are out there now that women at minimum think about divorce for two years.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's a good thing.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't see the sign.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, two to two to five.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: They used to say two, and now that's what I've been hearing actually is five.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: How do you not see any of the signs?
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_03: Now listen, I I can take you back to when um, you know, a couple years after the restraining order and my assault charges, um, you know, where I I thought life was a lot, like I thought life was good because we were really not fighting as much.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_03: It was less explosive, house didn't get trashed anymore.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_03: I did I don't think I was calling you names at that point by then.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_03: I don't remember, but it was still bad.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_03: We were still fighting enough, okay?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_03: And um essentially, I remember like my my perspective at that time was um like we're good, we're just not having any sex, okay?
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_03: Or often, okay?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_03: And quality, okay.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_03: And so I remember that's what spurred the whole I'm not attracting, I'm not in love, and I'm settling, was um I made a move and you're like, I and I was talking about maybe later because we I think the kids were like right there, and um I think it was nighttime.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like they were in bed.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_03: I I don't know, I felt like we maybe you guys were leaving or something like that.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_03: And and I was trying to flirt, set up for later or something as well.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_03: I remember it doesn't really matter.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_03: She said, I don't think that's gonna happen or whatever.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, Oh, I want to use this thing, okay?
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_03: And to his pregnant wife, yeah, and then that's when she um and by the way, can you believe that's how I said it?
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_03: Anyway, um, pointing if you didn't want to watch on YouTube, I did exactly what I did, I pointed down to my penis.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_03: Anyway, anyways, um, and I was blindsided when she sat me down, and I remember it, you remember it a little bit differently, but I remember it like like at this point.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even remember it, I just remember the stories that we've told.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_03: But very, very uh delicately, um, I believe she I don't think you were even touching my my knee or my hand or something like that, and just saying, I I I'm not in love with you, I'm not attracted, I'm settling, I'm only here honoring my oath under God.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_03: And um, okay, so back to the blind side.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so I remember being blindsided there too because there had been so much change.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_03: And so that's something I want to address with you guys right now that change that doesn't actually remove the behavior isn't change.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I hadn't made my big changes yet in that.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_03: Nothing by that point.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_03: In fact, that was still blaming him.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_03: And so um, you know, there's something that I literally um when we get to a stage where wives, if they don't follow the husband's lead with the changes that they make in my program and the man is working, I will literally motivate with a boundary.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_03: And it might be like, well, I'm not even gonna tell you guys because I don't want you to abuse it, but I'll walk them through a boundary where wives don't think that the husband will leave by the time we get to this stage, because we always go back through the cycle of love, withdraw, hate, okay?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_03: And then we repeat, I'm sorry, okay, love again.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, and that's the like the core simplified, so oversimplified.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_03: So please don't just take that for uh for more than what it is.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_03: But essentially we get to this point where she becomes blindsided, she didn't think it would happen, and of course, that she's been also thinking about divorce for years, and so you see that that woman might say, Okay, great.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_03: And we have guys doing the same thing.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_03: Now, this particular uh episode is coming up from a woman who got blindsided.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_03: I don't hear about a lot of women getting blindsided because of the nature of what I do.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Do you I think women get blindsided with affairs?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_03: With affairs, yeah.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I don't think it's women get blindsided with I'm I'm gonna get a divorce.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: I think men are such I'm trying to use better language, you guys.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Fill in the blank.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Men are such fill in the blank that instead of thank you, instead of facing it and saying, hey, we're having these problems, I don't want to be with you anymore, you go and go fuck someone else.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_02: Go get your validation from from porn or from DMs or dating sites.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: And and the sad thing is in my program, I have some women that are just killing it.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like they are doing amazing.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: We have another one, honey.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: I just got a message this morning.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: And we've got another one whose husband she went through his phone and she she suspected, and sure enough, he's having an affair.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason she checked was because this behavior she sees a behavior and she was like, the only time he has ever acted like this, this bad, waking her up in the middle of the night, telling her that she's been a liar for this many years, and she's like the only time he ever did this.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: The only time he ever did this, he had another woman.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: So she saw his phone, she checked it, sure enough, having an affair.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: So, yeah, women get blindsided with another woman.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Men get blindsided with the fact that the woman has tried to put up with it and then is like, I can't do it anymore.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: I think they're both bad guys.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: I think that the men's one is worse, though.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: I think like I think it's really cowardly to just go and fill your bucket with some other woman instead of facing the reality that your marriage sucks.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Women, I think it's also bad, and I've been in your shoes.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: I also didn't face it.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have the tools to be able to communicate with an angry husband.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Some of you can appreciate that.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: So you say nothing and you let it bubble and bubble and bubble and bubble and bubble until you get to the point where you're like, it's it's over.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_03: Can't handle it anymore.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_03: And don't mistake it, women also will have affairs, it's just less.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, again, specifically it's less, right?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Most of most of my women, though, are not.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: 90% of my women are not having affairs.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, where I have a lot of guys where their wives are having an affair.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_03: But many are separated, many are doing the restraining order thing, many women are lying about restraining what what happened for the restraining.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, remember, we don't work with couples like that are married to each other.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: So that's why his statistics are different than mine.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_03: That's right.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_03: And so I think what you need to understand is this there's a few, few uh like super key things.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_03: One, I want to reiterate, like when you make changes like I did, if you haven't consistently followed through and you're not actually inherently different, you're still the same person.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_03: We had this line that we used to use.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, but that means it was like yesterday.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_03: Like I haven't yelled for a week.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_03: That was like yesterday.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_03: We talk about, you know, when men are like they're they're moved past the fight and they're ready to have sex, and she's like, I still feel the scream or the lecture or whatever.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, like so.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_03: There's if there's the behavior that has to inherently change and be different and not be reminding of, there's a second part to that.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_03: That typically the neutral that you do to replace the bad, right?
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_03: Um, so not yelling is neutral and uh yelling is obviously negative.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_03: You need positive if you need to get out of the past.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that's it.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_03: And typically it won't be about just the yelling, it's gonna be about a lot of other fucking things.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, even math, even mathematically, guys, and this is when we first talked about this negative plus neutral is still negative.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_03: That's right.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Negative plus positive is neutral.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: How do you get to positive then?
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Relentlessly being positive.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's how you get to positive.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and here's the thing: most of you don't even know what the positive looks like because you're stuck managing that moment or those those um symptoms, not the actual issues, like the affair, okay, like the porn use, like the alcohol use, the screaming.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_03: You're you're none of that is the actual issue.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_03: Those are all symptoms because you don't have the right tools to navigate away from, okay?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_03: And so you're talking about and apologizing for and trying to work through it all over the wrong topics.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so that's just also a waste of time, okay?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_03: Then we have to think about like what it looks like if we are doing the right thing and we're showing up and changing.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_03: Like that that doesn't mean that that takes away all the pain from someone, and we don't get to decide what hurts someone else.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_03: So go back to the last episode where we can't decide what hurts her because he fell in love with another woman, even though they both open up the marriage.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_03: The problem is that is the symptom.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_03: The deeper issue was their fucking core values and the choices they made together earlier.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_03: Now, can we decide how much that hurts her?
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_03: No, but I do know this that affairs is like the easiest thing to be able to save a marriage.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I'm literally looking at my numbers.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Not the leading cause of divorce, guys.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_03: My I'm I'm looking looking at my numbers, and I've been talking about this a lot because a lot of guys getting on the phone want the program because there's another man involved.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm like, oh God, this is like the worst thing you could go through, I think, for for someone.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_03: I think.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_03: Um I believe it's it's harder than some of the abuse.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_03: Um, but it's the easiest way to save a marriage once you start showing up.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_03: But that's why I think this couple still has hope as long as this guy keeps following through.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_03: You know, uh, but the reality is that's the next thing you have to realize is that what we need to avoid the blind side of feeling or the rug got pulled out by just taking responsibility for the real issues and attract attacking those, okay?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_03: The last thing I want you to think of is this that when you're trying to move forward, sometimes when you have that neutral, it's very confusing.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_03: So we let's go back a couple episodes where we were talking about the weaponizing incompetence.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_03: So uh maybe you heard what Catherine said, and you're not ragging your husband on um how he's doing something incorrectly with the dishes, with the helping, with the kids or whatever, okay?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_03: And so he thinks things are better.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_03: And if you are still stewing inside, not addressing why you're feeling negative, why you're not seeing the positive that he is doing correctly, all of these sorts of things, then you're you're the one lying, you're the one fooling, okay?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_03: Because at least he's doing the fucking dishes.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_03: Even if it's like my covert contract thing where he's doing it just to get you to notice him, to approve, to avoid your disapproval by not doing the dishes, at least he's still got an intention that he believes is love.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_03: So that's actually a you problem.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_03: So I want to take this last point and say the person that's actually doing the affair, having the affair, you know, thinking about the divorce, you know, choosing the friends for validation, all of these things, you're actually more in the wrong than the person that you're leaving because you've been thinking about and contemplating for years.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_03: Now, that doesn't excuse the person quitting on the marriage or having the affair for obvious mistake or obvious reasons.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_03: Um, but once again, it's it's apple and not apple tree, um, what's it, cart and horse?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_03: Chicken, chicken and egg.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_03: We'll go chicken and egg.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_03: Right?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_03: Like once again, we can sit there and blame or we can take responsibility for ourselves.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_03: Okay?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Always better to take responsibility for ourselves.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_03: That's right.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Blame later.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_03: Blame later.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_03: Blame later.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Fix yourself first.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: There's never gonna be time to blame.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's a jib, it's a trick.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm giving you a trick.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_03: That's a good trick.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_03: I like that.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_03: All right, guys.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_03: We'll see you next time.
• 10:29
  unknown: Bye.