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14. Managing Expectations In Marriage · A Heart That Beats for Home

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hey friends, I'm Nikki Smith, your host here at A Heart that Beats for Home, the podcast where we're ditching filters and diving headfirst into the raw beauty of all things home.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Now, I am no expert when it comes to this whole parenting and marriage dance.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: I'm simply a gal who's been riding the mom roller coaster for 22 years and a wife still untangling the mystery of it all 25 years after saying I do.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: My goal is to bring you unapologetically messy and boldly genuine conversations about cultivating strong families.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, possibly cry, and straight talk about the joy and chaos that comes within the four walls that we call home.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: No judgment and certainly no perfection, just real talk from my heart, a heart that beats for home.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Let's dive in.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: Hey there, friends.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: Welcome back to another week here on the podcast at A Heart that Beats For Home.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: So grateful to have you here with us for yet another episode.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: We are on episode 14.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: It is crazy how it feels like it's been a lifetime and yet also feels like we just launched this yesterday.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: Just so excited to see this community growing and to talk to so many of you and hear feedback, and most encouraged by the messages that come in where you have been able to take something from this podcast and apply it into your family in some way, shape or form, whether that be in your parenting, in just your own posture of joy and how you show up every day, or in your marriage, and so I am so grateful for this community that is forming.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: Thank you for being here, thank you for trusting me to come into your AirPods or your car stereo, wherever it is that you listen, and just to spend this time together every week.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: In my conversations with people, one thing that has come up over and over when I've put polls up is people are wanting more conversation around marriage, and it makes me a little nervous.
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: I will be, you know, just honest.
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: When I decided to do this podcast on all things home, I knew that I was walking into a space that I was going to have to be vulnerable.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: I was going to have to expose myself a little bit, because you cannot talk about marriage and parenting and things that happen in home in relationship with humans who are flawed, who all fall short and not be honest and not be transparent, and I think marriage is even a little harder to chat about than parenting.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: I think parenting we can laugh about it.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: There's a lot of funny things that happen.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: Everybody can relate but we tend to want to keep our marriages all wrapped up and pretty, and I think it's super important that we talk about it.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: And so I am going to dive in, and we are going to spend three weeks talking on marriage and just really dive into three things that I, when I was thinking over mine and my husband's marriage, three things that probably we've had to work the hardest on and that have made the biggest impact in the success of our marriage over the last 25 years, and your emotions.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: And then next week, we'll dive into communication and the importance of communicating well and with respect and in a way that is seeking growth and understanding, not to win the war or to prove a point or to have the last word.
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: And then, finally, we'll wrap it up in week three talking about just the importance of making your marriage a priority above all other relationships that you have outside of your relationship with the Lord.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: And so those are the three things that we're going to tackle.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: I feel like they're things that I can talk very transparently and honestly about and bring to you guys some of the things that we've learned, some of the struggles that we've had and ultimately just hope that it encourages you in your marriage and gives you things to take away.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: And the reality is the reason I can speak about it is because I am married.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: It is not because I've mastered it.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: And me talking about marriage doesn't mean that I have a perfect marriage.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that we dance around here and everything is lovey-dovey and giggles.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: We are two humans, both flawed, but we do love each other deeply and our deepest desire is growth and moving towards connection, not the opposite.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: And so we have had to really learn over the last 25 years how we can do that, how we can do that, how our home can be a place of joy and peace and a place that people feel safe.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: There's not constant tension because mom and dad are annoyed with each other or they're arguing or they can't see eye to eye on anything.
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: Really, the temperature of the home I know we've talked about how mama kind of controls the joy meter, but really the temperature of the marriage in the home is the feeling that resonates through the entire house.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: Your kids know the state of your marriage.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: It is impossible to hide icky feelings, it is impossible to hide bitterness when you live in your home, your kids are picking up whatever emotion is happening in your marriage, and so it has just been a really top priority for me and my husband to really work hard on our marriage.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: You know, the day you get married you get a marriage certificate, and the day you have children, your children get birth certificates.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: And neither one of those are like congratulations you just got the award for knowing how to be married or knowing how to be a parent.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: I feel like those pieces of paper are like welcome to the class.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: We're so glad you're here.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: Buckle up.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: Here's the syllabus and we're going to have to put a lot of work in for you to pass the test on both marriage and parenting.
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: And that's really what I have kind of approached our marriage like.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: I have always looked and sought out people who have gone before me.
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: I have always wanted to read the books and listen to the podcast and get wisdom straight out of the Bible about how God intended for marriage to be and how my personal attitude and how I show up in that marriage is so crucial to the success of the marriage.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: So really, this is just inviting you into the class, this is inviting you in to the arena where I have been sitting for the last 25 years in this marriage class and the last 22 years in parenting, and the podcast is just saying hey, come to class with me, let's learn together and let's talk about things that are working, things that aren't, things that we're learning and let's grow together.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: And then, as I was kind of nervous about getting ready for this specific series, one thing that came to mind that I thought was really really great and kind of sets the stage for where my heart is with this is I'm in a Friday morning Bible study with just an amazing group of women and it is a place where I can just be vulnerable and we can grow.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: And man, it has just been such good food for my soul.
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: And we were doing a study on 1st, 2nd and 3rd John and it was talking about when you become a believer in Jesus and all the old things is gone and you become a new creature in Christ.
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: But it's this dilemma of we become a new creature in Christ but there is still sin in our life and we can wrestle with how come I still struggle with this?
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: Why can't he just take it all away?
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: Why can't it just be gone and she did such a beautiful example of talking about evidence of growth in your walk with the Lord and she said you know, you don't become a believer and start that relationship with the Lord and immediately you stop sinning.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: Like that would be amazing if that's what happened.
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: But we are a sinful being by nature.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: That is who we are.
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: But she said one thing that really really stuck with me and I think it applies so much to when we talk about marriage, and it's kind of what I want to just hone in on real quick before we dive into managing expectations and emotions.
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: Jen Wilkins, who was doing the Bible study, said the evidence of growth in your relationship with the Lord is when you are quicker to repent and slower to repeat in your sin patterns, whatever it might be.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: That is, your human bend towards evil or towards sin, whether that be the way you lash out in anger or your impatience or your drinking, whatever it might be.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: That is, your shackles that can hold you down sometimes.
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: Evidence of growth in your relationship with Jesus is that you become quicker to repent when you fall into that.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: So it's that quick recognition of hmm, I should not be doing this, this is not right.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: It's that inner spirit of the Holy Spirit that's saying no, this is not who you are.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: This is the old nature put on new.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: So it's that quicker to repent and then slower to repeat that offense.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: And I think when we look in our relationships and our marriage, that's the ultimate goal that I want in my marriage.
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: I can't have perfection.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: There will never be a time where my husband and I can stand before a group and say and we have a perfect marriage and we don't fight and we don't argue and we always see eye to eye and I'm never snippy with him and he's never short with me and we just I mean it's just, it's just awesome, it's just roses all of the time.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: I would never take advice from somebody that said that, because I just don't believe it.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: But what I do feel like I can say confidently and not in a boastful way, is that over the last 25 years there is abundance of evidence of growth in our relationship.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: There is a much quicker repentance when we have wronged one another.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: There is a much larger gap in between repeat offenses, and so that is success and I think that's what we need to be looking in in our relationships is the evidence of growth over time, the quicker to come to your partner and say I'm sorry, I was wrong, I handled that inappropriately, and then the larger the gaps that get in between those cycles.
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: I know earlier in our marriage and I'm sure most of you could say, this is the thing that we just constantly come back to and we keep fighting over and it's a point of contention and we just have a really hard time moving past it and whatever that is.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: I hope that these next three weeks will help you be able to sort through some of that so that you could be quicker to repent and slower to repeat and that those things would get farther and farther apart and that peace would continue to grow at an abundant rate in your marriage.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: So let's dive into talking about the first main thing that we're going to tackle, which is managing your expectations and emotions.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: The definition of expectation is a strong belief that something will happen.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: And the first thing that came to my mind when thinking about this if you have had a child that just was so sure that something was gonna happen and then it didn't happen and just that massive meltdown you see so many funny videos of a child, which they're not really funny.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: You actually go oh my gosh, this is so not attractive.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: A child that is sure that they're gonna unwrap that, that present and it's going to be that thing they always dreamed of.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: Right, it's that toy or that electronic.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: And they open that package and it's just pure disappointment when they see that it's pajamas or it's not the gift that they wanted, a generic version of it or something that is not what the expectation was.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: And we've all seen it.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: They melt down, they're disgusted, they're sad, they're totally let down and it's ugly and you can kind of laugh about it, but ultimately it's just like you kind of cringe and you go, eh.
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: And yet I think so often in our marriages we have built up these expectations and when things don't go our way just like that kid opening up the present we literally melt down, we throw a temper tantrum or we go into silent mode or we try to be passive, aggressive around the house and proving a point or just shutting down.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: Really, having to learn how to navigate, managing our expectations in our relationships, I think is such a crucial part to the peace and the success in that relationship.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: So a couple of things about expectations.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: Number one every single relationship has expectations, whether or not you've planned it that way.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: Your friendships, you have expectations.
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: Your children and how you interact with each other you have expectations.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: You have expectations in your marriage.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: You have expectations with your boss and your job and even if you don't go through and write them out and plan them, your past, your wiring, your belief system all of that forms expectations in your mind that are just there.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: Doesn't mean that they're all good expectations, it doesn't mean they're all healthy expectations, but they are expectations that are there and we're going to dive into that a little bit here in a second.
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: The second thing about expectation is most expectations are not talked about.
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: They're not talked about in a healthy way where two people are sitting down and saying this is my expectation, what is your expectation?
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: Let's talk about it.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: Let's see if that works.
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: If that makes sense, do we need to adjust?
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: Most expectations are not talked about and If that makes sense, do we need to adjust?
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: Most expectations are not talked about and then most arguments happen over unmet expectations.
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: If you can think about the last blow up maybe you had with your spouse or your child almost every single thing you can go back to it being a root issue of unmet expectations on one or both people in that relationship.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: I had in my head exactly how this was going to go when my husband came home and then he did X, y and Z, and then that really threw me off, because it's not what I had conjured up in my head and maybe he had done the same thing, and then there's just tension and it's all of these expectations that aren't being met, but so often they're not even being talked about.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: And then, lastly, about expectations, is that most expectations are formed just from things that have happened to us, maybe from our childhood, or maybe from watching a TV show or from reading a book or from having hurt, and so we put up different walls, and then we have expectations on how people can or cannot have access to us.
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: And so I'm going to walk through just a couple of examples of what these might look like in the wife perspective and the male perspective, and then we can dive down a little bit deeper into some of these areas and talk about ways that we can manage expectations and emotions to have a healthy marriage.
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: So some expectations that a wife might have Expectations that my husband will be home on time, that if he works 9 to 5, then he's going to be home by 5.30.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: In my head, as somebody that's managing stuff at home, I just expect that whatever time I was told is the actual time that it's going to happen and I also expect that if that changes, that a text or a call would come through.
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: Another expectation is just that he would be in charge of things like oil changes and car maintenance and filling our gas, because maybe your dad did it that way or that's just how you've always had it done growing up.
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: Another expectation is when he comes home, he's going to jump in and just handle the kids so that I can cook dinner.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: In my head would just make sense.
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: So that's an expectation that I would set up.
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: He comes home, he goes to play with the kids, I cook dinner.
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: Another expectation when dinner's over, we might just all clean up the kitchen together.
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: Like it'll be a great big, happy family experience.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: One expectation would be I shouldn't have to spell everything out for you.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: You should just know.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: You should know kind of what I'm thinking.
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: You should know what I need to get done.
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: You should be aware of my to-do list, of all the things that are stressing me out, that are weighing me down.
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: Do you see how a lot of those expectations could be points of conflict For him?
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: He might have an expectation that every night when he gets home from work, he's going to have a home-cooked meal, because maybe that's how his mom did it.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: Maybe he grew up in a home where dad went out to work.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: He's going to have a home-cooked meal because maybe that's how his mom did it.
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: Maybe he grew up in a home where dad went out to work and when dad came home with his briefcase he dropped it at the front door and he sat in his recliner and mom just you know meat and potatoes every night.
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: Now, if that's not how you were raised, you can see where that expectation could be a massive point of contention.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: What about if he has an expectation of hey, if my wife needs to talk to me, she's going to come talk to me.
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: I don't need to ever worry that there's anything she's not talking to me about, because two adults living together if there is a problem, they would talk about it.
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: These are almost comical, right, when you start to see all the ways that they could cause conflict.
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: Another expectation for him I told her I love her, so she knows that If nothing has changed, I don't need to keep saying it.
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: Expectation is if I've said it, I mean it, I don't need to come back to it.
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: Another one I work outside the home and she stays home, so I don't need to check in on the things that happen from nine to five.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: Like, I do my thing, she does her thing and I don't need to check in, I don't need to be involved, I don't need to.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: And then another one.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: I had to put this in here because I think we would be amiss to not talk about it.
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: He might have an expectation that hey, if I slap her on the butt when she's doing dishes, she knows that that means something.
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: So here are just a few.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: This took me about three minutes to come up with.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: And again, these aren't all necessary pertaining to our marriage, but just the differences that women and men can come to marriage with.
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: And obviously every single marriage looks different, every single dynamic is different, but I think these are a lot of the ones that cause a lot of tension.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: Literally, you can take these expectations and go back and forth and see how two people could approach something completely different.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: And here's the other interesting thing when you look through some of the expectations that maybe you have in your life, is that often the expectations I have number one aren't even because it's really what I think is best.
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: A lot of our expectations are learned, based on how we grew up, based on what we've seen, and the other thing is I often hold expectations for my spouse that I don't even hold up for myself.
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: I hold my spouse to a higher standard in some of these levels of expectations than I do myself.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: So just a lot of places where you could see that we could have a lot of misunderstanding, a lot of hurt feelings, a lot of distance and a lot of resentment.
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: My hope for you this week is that maybe you would just take time.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: Maybe you and your spouse would take time and you would write down the ingrained expectations that I have come to have in our marriage.
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: What are things that I expect when it comes to how the house is run or how chores are done, or how we use our social life, how we handle our intimate relationship, how we handle parenting, how we handle finances?
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: What are expectations that I have?
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: Have your spouse write down the expectations that they have on those same topics and my guess is.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: You will be shocked at how much of them might not be the same.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: Or you might be wanting to approach things totally different ways.
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: And yet it's never been communicated, it's never been talked about, it's never been put on the table to really wrestle through, and so it continues to be this point of contention in your marriage that literally feels like sandpaper.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: And so what is it for you right now, as you're thinking about this, I'm sure most of you go like I know exactly what it is.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: This is that one pain point in our marriage that we keep coming back to and really take some time in the next couple of days to dive down into.
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: What are my expectations around that issue?
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: What are my husband's expectations that I'm noticing or I'm picking up, and then we'll talk next week about some really great ways that we can communicate with that.
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: A lot of times, when there's unmet expectation, there gets to be that resentment, the hurt feelings, the distance that we were talking about, and I can immediately start trading expectations for appreciation.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: And when I start doing that, when I start taking expectations and instead I trade them for appreciation, my home will start to change.
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: There is nothing that softens a heart more than love and appreciation and kindness, and so really just making it a priority this week in your marriage that whenever there's an expectation that's not met and you get super frustrated ask yourself how can I trade this unmet expectation for appreciation?
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: Let's go through a couple examples.
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: When the spouse is coming home from work and he's late and you haven't heard from him and you're starting to get annoyed.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: And now it's been 10 minutes, now it's 20 minutes, now it's 30 minutes, and now all these things are running through your head of he doesn't appreciate me, he doesn't even care, he doesn't know how hard I work here.
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: And now you're starting to slam some pans around.
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: Maybe dinner's starting to get cold and you're frustrated.
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: What if, instead of allowing, that spirit of discontent and bitterness start to rise up in you without even really knowing the true reason of what's going on?
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: What if you started to say man, I am so grateful that my spouse is out providing for our family, I am so grateful that I have a spouse that comes home every night and is able to be with our family.
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: I'm so grateful that every morning, without any prodding from me, my husband, he just gets up and he goes to work, right?
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: Or maybe it's that slap on the butt that he gave you at the kitchen counter and your first initial reaction is dude, I am touched out, I have nothing left to give.
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: And it turns into bitterness or resentment because your first thought is you know what would be really sexy Doing the dishes?
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: It'd be really sexy if you just did the dishes can be, oh my gosh, like this boy man, but I'm so glad that he's still attracted to me.
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: I'm so glad that he still wants to be playful with me.
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: I'm so glad that after all these years that he still has a desire to draw near to me.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: There are so many ways that we can flip these narratives and the things that are unmet expectations, that naturally want to cause resentment, that we can turn into appreciation.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: And when you start to turn resentment or we can turn into appreciation, and when you start to turn resentment or unmet expectations into appreciation, you start to prioritize love over a to-do list, you start to value relationship over rules.
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: It just starts to soften the entire being of that relationship to make it a really healthy place, to make it a place of safety and joy and peace.
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: And then let's talk a little bit about emotions.
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: How we handle conflict tells a lot about our relationship and a question that you can ask yourself on the regular is what is my demeanor?
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: How am I showing up in my relationship?
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: What are the emotions that I'm bringing?
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: Proverbs 4.23 says keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flows the spring of life.
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: And then in Luke it says Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: What is in your heart becomes what is existent in your life.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: When there is bitterness and anger and discontent and malice, those are the things that will start to overflow into your life and into your marriage.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: And I know that sounds harsh, but it is just the true reality.
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: If you are continuously struggling in a relationship, start by looking at what are the pieces of this that I hold in my control.
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: It is so easy in relationship to put all blame on the spouse to say, well, if he did, if she did, then we would.
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: And that's not how relationship works.
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: Relationship means that I'm bringing 100% of myself to the relationship.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: You're bringing 100% of yourself to the relationship.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: I can't stand it when people say marriage is 50-50.
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: Relationship is 100-100, because I can't just bring 50% of myself, I have to bring a hundred percent of myself.
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: I once heard a really great suggestion when it came to this.
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: She said that when we walk in the door, obviously our goal every day is that we are showing up, giving everything that we possibly can.
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: We both are bringing a hundred percent.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: But there are going to be days when you can't.
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: There are going to be days when situations or illness or heartache where you physically, no matter how much you try, no matter how much you muster up, maybe you can only show up with 70%.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: It's not the standard, but the day she said what I like to do, me and my husband, come together as we're coming in from work at the end of the day and we have a quick meeting in the laundry room and we both just tell each other where we're at.
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: So she said, if I'm having a great day, I'll say I'm at a hundred and he might say, oh, it's been an awful day.
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: Here's the things that happened.
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: I just feel really emotionally depleted.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: I'm struggling today.
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: I'm 80.
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: Then she said what that does.
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: Is it immediately before we walk into life with our kids, with the demands of home?
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: It puts me in a posture of compassion, knowing that my spouse isn't at 100%.
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: And she said then what that tells me is I need to not only come at 100, I need to cover the spouse and I need to come at 120.
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: And so I need to go into that kitchen knowing, man, I'm gonna have to just do a little bit more today because I need to help carry some of the load that my husband is not able to carry.
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: And then, a couple of days later, it might be the exact opposite.
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: You might meet your spouse in the back door and say you know what?
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: I'm feeling?
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: Empty.
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: The kids it's been a rough day.
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: I'm struggling At.
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: The kids it's been a rough day.
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: I'm struggling At best.
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: Babe, I'm at 60.
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: I feel totally depleted.
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: And you know what your spouse can do.
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: Then he can pick up for you, he can come in and he can go 140 for the next couple hours.
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: And then there are going to be days where you meet in the back and you think, wow, we both are at 50%.
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: And then do you know what happens there?
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: You just both give grace and you choose kindness and you choose love instead of being angry about all the expectations that are falling through the cracks, the things that aren't getting done, and we can't use this as a crutch.
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: We can't use this as an excuse to come home and say I don't have it all, so I need you to put in more.
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: That's relational abuse.
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: But a true relationship is being able to come honestly to a conversation and say this is where I'm at and this is where I need you to cover me, and for some people that's annoying.
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: You would listen to that and you would think that is so annoying, like just man up or woman up or get it together, go, take five, come back, and sometimes we do need to have those conversations with ourselves.
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: I'm telling you right now that is never a healthy conversation to probably have with your spouse.
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: In that moment when they're struggling.
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: As a mom, you think about your relationship with your child and your child came home from school and they were just falling apart.
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: They were falling apart.
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: Somebody had been mean on the playground and their lunch spilt on them in the lunchroom and they didn't pass their test.
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: We would have a completely different level of compassion for a child that needed to take time than we would ever have for a spouse that came home and said I got beat up on a phone call.
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: Everybody was angry today and the office was just tense, you'd be like, well, welcome home, welcome home.
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: I've been doing this too, and I just sometimes have to stop and think if this was my child that was walking in, who, yes, of course, is not at the same maturity level and shouldn't need to manage their emotions the same way as an adult.
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: But you guys, it's just the reality of am I as compassionate towards my spouse when they need me to go the extra mile for them that I am of my child when they need me to go the extra mile?
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: When I need to go the extra mile for my child, I feel like, yes, this is my job, this is what God put me on the planet for.
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: I'm not talking about coddling, but I'm talking about I will do everything in my power to turn that day around.
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: Talking about I will do everything in my power to turn that day around.
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: And yet that's not always the attitude I take towards my spouse and my marriage, because it feels like, well, I've had a bad day too.
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: And if you're in a position where that's kind of, the attitude of your heart says I've had a bad day, you've had a bad day, oh well, then that's a good place to start.
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: Maybe that's a great little practical tip that you can put into play is just meeting up.
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: Maybe that's a good place to start.
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: Maybe that's a great little practical tip that you can put into play is just meeting up.
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's a text that gets sent.
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: Maybe you both send each other a text when you're heading home and you're like hey, I'm good, I'm 100%, I'm 90.
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: I'm 110.
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: I'm feeling great, I can come in there with great gusto tonight, maybe just starting that communication so that you can start to have compassion and empathy towards your spouse as you're navigating everyday life.
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: That can get overwhelming for both of you and ultimately, intimacy breeds conflict, and then conflict in turn breeds intimacy.
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: And so when you are in relationships, specifically in a marriage, the closer we get to somebody, the more exposed we are to conflict.
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: And I think that's why in relationship, naturally a lot of times, especially in the beginning of relationship, we are very reserved in letting too many of our cards out on the table.
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: We're kind of slow, because as you start to get vulnerable and you start to build intimacy, there is a high likelihood that you are going to expose insecurities about yourself.
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: Your insecurities, when not handled well, will absolutely block intimacy in your marriage, and so part of this navigating is, if I know I want to draw towards a relationship with my spouse, I know I'm going to expose myself to insecurities, and then I know that that's going to cause conflict.
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: And then we have a choice when the conflict happens, when the expectations are met, we stay in the end game of conflict, or we take that conflict and we move back towards healing, which then leads to higher intimacy, and we've all seen this right.
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: You come in to a day and you just feel like you're at the end and you have been arguing about something for a long time.
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: Enough is enough.
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: And there is a conversation that maybe is a super healthy conversation if you've learned how to navigate the art of communication.
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: Or maybe it's not a healthy conversation, but you stay in it and you're able to get through it, to get some resolution, to express some feelings, and you come out on the other side of it.
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: You always feel better after the conflict is resolved.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: You feel closer.
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: There's a reason it's called make-up sex.
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry if my children are listening to this, but there's a reason it's called makeup sex.
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry if my children are listening to this, but there's a reason it's called that because conflict, when resolved, breeds more intimacy.
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: But so many of us get stuck in this conflict zone and we can't move out towards resolution.
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: I heard a statement that I wrote down.
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: It was several years ago and it comes back to me so often, but the quote is if you never heal what hurts you, you will bleed on those that didn't cut you.
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: I know that hurts in my life often cause me to bleed on my spouse, who is not the one that cut me.
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: You guys that's powerful and we look at expectations in our life and we think about things that are causing these pain points in our marriage.
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: It's super important that we look at our own hearts and we look at our own insecurities.
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: So often we attack a partner's character instead of focusing on where the feeling or that behavior is rooted.
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: I'm going to give you this is just the silliest example, but I think it's a good one, because it shows how something so trivial that maybe in me is hurt or maybe in me is insecure, can cause me to bleed on my spouse, who isn't responsible for the insecurities that I'm feeling.
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: I'm in a position where I've been home for the last 19 years with our kiddos and I work from home, but I have that flexibility to be in the home all day, every day, and so I am the one that primarily is in charge of the housework and of the day-to-day tasks that happen here in the home, and so I take that role, as this house is my responsibility.
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: And so there was a while when, any time, that my husband would make comments about things in the house that weren't right.
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: The one example is he opened the Tupperware drawer.
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: This was several years ago.
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: He opened the Tupperware cabinet and a bunch of water bottles and lids and Tupperware fell out, and he made some comment like oh my gosh, this is ridiculous, because I think he was unloading the dishwasher.
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: And immediately when he said this is ridiculous or whatever it was that he implied, I fell apart.
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: I fell apart.
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: I immediately went into self-preservation mode because what I heard when he said this is ridiculous was you're not doing a good job with the house.
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: You have a job to keep things in order, and this Tupperware drawer is showing me that you're not doing a good job, you guys.
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: That seems like a crazy example, but these are the types of things that happen all of the time in our relationships.
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: Something is done where I could open that exact same Tupperware drawer and everything would fall out and I would be like this is so stupid, like why can we not keep Tupperware under control?
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: I can say that I'm allowed to say it, but the fact that my spouse said it, he cut to something in me that, if I'm being honest, is a deep insecurity about my ability to keep all of the plates spinning in a home.
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: It's the same thing that happens when somebody says I don't have any clean clothes, even if it's a true statement.
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: My insecurity of trying to maintain this level of expectation that I think people have on me which often is not even what they have on me, it's something I've put on myself unlocks something in me that causes great conflict.
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: And so if you feel like there's something in your life that you're like, every time somebody says that or every time somebody points to that, I just get it, I blow up or I just shut down.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: What is it in your heart that has hurt you that you have not healed, that is causing you to bleed on the people in your home who didn't actually cause the wounds?
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: And I had to dig deep on this, you guys.
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: I had to really ask myself where does my need to be a perfectionist come from?
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: Where does my need for approval come from?
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: And then ultimately having to go and say, am I expecting my spouse to fulfill a role to meet a need that is not my spouse's primary responsibility?
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: And I say that coming to you as a believer, because for me, if I have insecurities, if I don't believe I'm enough, if I believe I'm measured by my works, then I haven't come to true grips of who I am in Christ.
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: I was listening to Instagram yesterday and this is kind of off script here.
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: I do not have this written down so we're going to see if I can do it but there was a precious Instagram reel that came up and it was a mom with her child sitting on her lap and they were repeating kind of this liturgy.
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: And we worked on it this morning a little bit in the car.
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: I'm going to see if I can do it.
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: It said I am not what I do, I am not what I have, I am not what other people say about me.
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: I am a child of God.
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: It is who I am.
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: Others cannot take that away from me.
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: I will not hurry.
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: I will not worry.
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: I will trust in God and share his love with the world.
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: Now I might have messed that up a little bit, but as I was listening to that over and over on repeat this morning driving my son to school and we were trying to memorize it to that, over and over on repeat this morning driving my son to school and we were trying to memorize it I am not what I do, I am not what I have, I am not what other people say about me.
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: You guys, that is powerful.
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: And then the next part said I am a beloved of God.
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: It is who I am.
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: Others cannot take it away from me.
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: I will not worry, I will not hurry.
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: I will trust in God and share his love with the world.
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: And so it's so important that we dig down and I ask myself am I asking my spouse to fill something in my heart that really God died on the cross for me, heart that really God died on the cross for me?
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: That's taking expectations to a whole new level.
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: Am I expecting my spouse to fill a void that I was created to only have filled by the one who died for me, by the one who said you are enough, you are beloved, you are not what you do.
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: You are not what you have.
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: You are not what people say about you.
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: You are what I say about you.
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: You are perfect, you are loved, you are forgiven, your sin is nailed to the cross, it is finished.
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: And so often we're looking for all of that unhuman-like validation from a very human fallen person who's in the exact same place of wrestling through their own humanness.
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: And when we can approach our marriages, when we can come to our spouse in a demeanor of I'm broken, I know I have insecurities, but when we can start working on our own hearts and when we can start shoring up our value in who God says we are, then we take the burden off of our spouse's back of being the one that has to validate those insecurities.
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: And, of course, in a healthy marriage you are always going to be trying to affirm, you are always trying to speak life over and to encourage and to be the biggest cheerleader for.
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: But sometimes we put way too heavy of a burden on our spouse to overcome our insecurities, being able to sit with your spouse and say, man, when that whole Tupperware conversation happened, that wasn't about the Tupperware at all.
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: That was about Nikki, who is broken.
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: Sorry, guys, I didn't think I would get emotional.
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: This is about Nikki, who is broken, that's putting all of her value and all of her worth in a perception, trying to hold it all together.
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: And, friends, I'm going to tell you, in marriage, in parenting, in running a home, you cannot keep it all together.
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: And so if the Tupperware drawer is the evidence of if you are a good spouse, if you are a good wife, if you manage your home well, if the laundry pile, if the way that your kids show up, if the level to which they test on their tests or perform on their sports, or the amount of money that your spouse makes, or the car that you drive, or the clothes that you wear, or the house that you live in, or the money in the bank account, if any of those things are what are going to prove that you are doing a good job, that you are worthy, that you hold value.
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: There is going to be constant conflict in your relationship.
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: Constant Because we are in life with humans and humans disappoint, and my goodness, I disappoint my kids, my husband, all the time.
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: But I would say that the main reason that we have a peaceful home, 95% of the time that we can sit around, that we can laugh, that we can do activities together, that we love to be together is because we've all learned to give each other grace for being fallen people who are also trying to figure it out.
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: So what are the expectations that you have in your life that you need to evaluate, that you need to maybe ditch or you need to adjust, or you need to have conversations around?
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: No matter where your marriage is at, no matter how frustrated you are, no matter how hopeless it feels, no matter the distance that you feel between you, I know that God is a God of renewing, not just refurbishing.
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: We have insecurities that we have established in our own hearts and in our own lives, and many of them many of them are lies that we have put upon ourselves that are not what God intended for us.
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: They're not the things he wants us chasing after, and so I just hope this encourages you.
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: I hope it makes you realize that you are not alone, and when I look at the areas in my life where I'm responding disproportionately to the events that are happening, I need to self-evaluate and say what do I need to adjust, what expectations are completely out of line or haven't been discussed, and how can we take this conflict and get it resolved or get that conversation happening so we can move towards more intimacy and connection.
• 40:51
  Speaker 1: So with that, friends, we are going to come back next week where we tackle some different ways that we can communicate on a lot of these really hard things, because step one is recognizing, step two is communicating, and often the way that we communicate only causes more harm and more hurt.
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: So excited to come back next week and talk about some tips on communication and moving forward in building stronger marriages.
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: Friends, before you sign off, I want you to know that my heart is that we would continue to grow this community, not for likes and for listens, but because my passion is cultivating strong families in the culture where it can be very difficult to do so.
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: And so if this podcast continues to minister to you, or if you know that there's others that would benefit from it, would you be so kind as to share it and to rate so that others would be able to find this community.
• 41:40
  Speaker 1: So until next week, friends, take care.