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The Problem with “I KNOW!” · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: I'm Ben Pugh, and you're listening to Impact Parenting with Perspective, episode 229.
• 0:09
  Ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens.
• 0:17
  Ben: So they can focus on what's most important, building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their team's life.
• 0:25
  Ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your team turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:35
  Ben: Hello, welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:37
  Ben: Thank you for being here.
• 0:39
  Ben: at the time of this recording, high school football season is kind of winding down.
• 0:46
  Ben: And it's actually been a really, really nice football season as far as weather goes.
• 0:52
  Ben: And just last week.
• 0:55
  Ben: Everything changed.
• 0:56
  Ben: It got cold.
• 0:57
  Ben: It started feeling more like fall and more typical football weather for here where I live in Utah.
• 1:05
  Ben: And I just love fall.
• 1:08
  Ben: So, yes, it's been colder at practice, but oh my goodness, I love the changing of the leaves.
• 1:15
  Ben: I love fall.
• 1:17
  Ben: I love that ice.
• 1:17
  Ben: Brisk, cool breeze in the air.
• 1:21
  Ben: And I am just grateful to be alive right now.
• 1:25
  Ben: And there's something else that I'm grateful for.
• 1:27
  Ben: I'm grateful for you.
• 1:29
  Ben: I'm grateful that you're here listening to this podcast and that you want to become the best parent that you can be.
• 1:36
  Ben: So thank you for being here.
• 1:39
  Ben: And I hope.
• 1:40
  Ben: You're enjoying whatever season you're in, in your life, as much as I am enjoying this fall and football season in my life.
• 1:49
  Ben: So today we are going to be talking about one of the biggest problems that I see in parenting.
• 1:58
  Ben: And I actually see this with teenagers a lot.
• 2:02
  Ben: I see it in my own life sometimes, and today we're going to be talking about that problem, which I call the problem of knowing or the problem with I know.
• 2:14
  Ben: So let's go ahead.
• 2:16
  Ben: Let's dive.
• 2:17
  Ben: Actually, right before we dive into this, if you haven't taken the time to leave me a five star review and to leave me a written review, I would like to invite you to please go ahead and take the time to do that.
• 2:31
  Ben: If this podcast has helped you in any way in your parenting journey, please take a second and go show, go share how this has helped you with others and what this does.
• 2:45
  Ben: Like I don't get any money from you doing this, but what it does do is it helps more parents like you who are looking for help find me.
• 2:57
  Ben: To get the help that they're looking for.
• 2:59
  Ben: So if this podcast has helped you go leave me a review, or even if you're just the type of person that you're like, man, I love helping people.
• 3:11
  Ben: You can help me help more people by going and leaving me a review.
• 3:16
  Ben: So.
• 3:17
  Ben: Thank you in advance for doing that.
• 3:19
  Ben: And those of you who have already left me a review, thank you so much.
• 3:24
  Ben: That really helps.
• 3:25
  Ben: I love hearing how many people this podcast has helped and inspired.
• 3:31
  Ben: And I just, I love doing it.
• 3:33
  Ben: I'm going to keep doing it for as long as I can, like, see into my future.
• 3:38
  Ben: Okay.
• 3:39
  Ben: So let's go ahead and let's dive in with the problem of I know.
• 3:46
  Ben: Now, recently.
• 3:48
  Ben: I was working with a dad.
• 3:50
  Ben: Now this dad, he has followed me for a very, very long time.
• 3:56
  Ben: Um, he is also a certified life coach.
• 3:59
  Ben: I'm trying to, I don't know that I know exactly when he got certified, but he's a certified life coach and he's been following me for a very long time.
• 4:10
  Ben: He's listened to almost all of my podcasts, which is just mind boggling.
• 4:16
  Ben: This is episode 229.
• 4:18
  Ben: That's a lot of podcasts.
• 4:20
  Ben: Uh, he's probably listening to this podcast.
• 4:22
  Ben: So, Hey, how are you doing?
• 4:24
  Ben: Um, he's attended a bunch of my free trainings and he's actually, I've given him some free coaching calls.
• 4:34
  Ben: And we've talked a couple of times on a free coaching call recently when I tried to teach him some parenting principles and I tried to point out some areas of misalignment.
• 4:48
  Ben: In his life and in his parenting, he kept saying, I know, I know.
• 4:54
  Ben: Now, I want to be clear.
• 4:56
  Ben: This, this man is a wonderful man.
• 5:00
  Ben: He's a fantastic father.
• 5:02
  Ben: I have nothing against him, but I could see the limitation of believing that he knew something that wasn't showing up in his life.
• 5:14
  Ben: And I wanted to.
• 5:15
  Ben: Like, I even taught him on that call, like, hey, one of the problems with thinking that you know, is that you don't question, you aren't curious.
• 5:25
  Ben: Now, I do, I do want to say this, and I want to, like, be super clear about this.
• 5:31
  Ben: I don't want you to just believe me.
• 5:36
  Ben: Sure, it'd be nice, and it'd be flattering, and, you know, That's all ego driven, but if you just believe me, then you're limited by me and what I teach instead.
• 5:53
  Ben: And this is one of the things that I believe really sets me apart from a lot of other coaches.
• 5:59
  Ben: I want you to go experiment.
• 6:02
  Ben: With these principles in your own life.
• 6:06
  Ben: I want you to practice what I'm teaching.
• 6:10
  Ben: Now, if this works for you, if you go out, you experiment what I teach and it works for you, great, keep it.
• 6:19
  Ben: If it doesn't work for you, well, now, you know, and you can try something else.
• 6:24
  Ben: So I'm not saying that this.
• 6:27
  Ben: Father should have just believed everything that I had to say and should have just gone all in what I'm saying Is that oftentimes as human beings?
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  Ben: The problem is, when you think you know something, you are now no longer willing to question what it is that you think that you know, and you're not willing to learn more.
• 6:53
  Ben: And then, what you think you know actually ends up keeping you from knowing what you need to know.
• 7:02
  Ben: So let's break this down just a little bit more.
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  Ben: And, you've actually probably experienced this before.
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  Ben: Now, if you're like most parents.
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  Ben: You've probably noticed this problem with your teen.
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  Ben: Maybe you were trying to give your teen some advice that could help them.
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  Ben: Maybe it could prevent some future heartache, but rather than listening, they simply said, I know, I know.
• 7:30
  Ben: And then they completely ignored you.
• 7:33
  Ben: We know that teens do this all the time with their parents.
• 7:37
  Ben: It's okay.
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  Ben: My teens do it.
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  Ben: Your teens probably do it.
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  Ben: But have you ever caught yourself?
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  Ben: Falling into the, I know trap as well.
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  Ben: Now it's okay.
• 7:50
  Ben: If you have, it actually makes a lot of sense.
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  Ben: You see, it's natural for human beings to assume that they know that they understand more than they actually do.
• 8:04
  Ben: They make assumptions.
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  Ben: They start connecting the dots.
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  Ben: They apply their own understanding and their own ways of thinking.
• 8:13
  Ben: And if you're like most people, you think, you know, without question.
• 8:21
  Ben: Now, the thing is.
• 8:22
  Ben: Man, I just experienced this the other day with my oldest.
• 8:27
  Ben: I was trying to teach him something, I was trying to help him something, and he's just like, I know, dad, leave me alone, I already know.
• 8:34
  Ben: Well, I could see that he didn't know, because The way he was showing up in life, the way he was behaving, the way he was living.
• 8:41
  Ben: I'm like, dude, I don't think you do know.
• 8:45
  Ben: And he's like, dad, I know it.
• 8:46
  Ben: Just leave me alone.
• 8:48
  Ben: Well, turns out he didn't know.
• 8:51
  Ben: And he had to figure that out for himself.
• 8:55
  Ben: Oftentimes, when we think we know, That keeps us from really exploring what don't I know.
• 9:03
  Ben: And if you're like my son, and if you're like, I've been lots of times, you'll just continue operating based on what you think, you know, until something changes that.
• 9:17
  Ben: Until your reality is so misaligned with what you'd like it to be, that you then have to question it.
• 9:25
  Ben: So, the problem with I know is that usually you don't know what you think you know.
• 9:33
  Ben: And if you're like me and all the parents that I've worked with, you've experienced this with your own teenager.
• 9:39
  Ben: And you've also probably experienced this in your own parenting.
• 9:45
  Ben: Now, let's talk about the I know trap.
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  Ben: The problem with the I know trap is that it keeps you from truly knowing.
• 9:57
  Ben: Here's an example.
• 9:59
  Ben: If you're like me, you already know how to be healthier.
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  Ben: Like this is one of the things I feel like I know.
• 10:06
  Ben: Um, I know that I could eat less.
• 10:10
  Ben: I know that I could exercise more and if I ate less, if I exercise more, I'd be healthier.
• 10:19
  Ben: Great.
• 10:19
  Ben: That's it's okay to know that, but imagine.
• 10:24
  Ben: That I hire a health coach and imagine that every time this health coach tries to teach me something new or they try and get me to try some new exercises or try some new foods.
• 10:39
  Ben: Imagine every time they do that, I'm just like, I know, I know, I already know.
• 10:45
  Ben: You see, I might know something, or I might understand some basic things that could help me.
• 10:53
  Ben: But if I'm not experiencing the level of health that I want in my life, that means there's something that I don't know.
• 11:04
  Ben: And that's okay.
• 11:06
  Ben: In this example, what I think I know when it comes to my health is actually keeping me from learning the truth.
• 11:15
  Ben: Exactly what it is that I need to know to have more health and I want to highlight something.
• 11:23
  Ben: I don't know that I did this well enough in my notes.
• 11:28
  Ben: You can see areas of your life and you can question like, well, what do I know?
• 11:35
  Ben: What do I think I know?
• 11:36
  Ben: Do I actually know?
• 11:38
  Ben: As much as I think I know, and what you can do is you can actually find areas in your life where you are not experiencing the reality that you would like to experience, and you can simply trust, oh, there's something I don't know here.
• 11:56
  Ben: If you, like, I'll use me for example, I weigh roughly 245 pounds, um, I am really strong when I do drills with my football players.
• 12:10
  Ben: Sometimes they're like, geez, dude, you're like as strong as an ape.
• 12:16
  Ben: Yeah, I'm really strong.
• 12:17
  Ben: Like I think a lot of my 245 pounds is more muscle than I like to give it credit for.
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  Ben: Guess what?
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  Ben: I also have.
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  Ben: I'm working on it.
• 12:30
  Ben: I weigh 245 pounds.
• 12:32
  Ben: I would love to weigh 195 pounds.
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  Ben: Right now, my reality and the reality that I want to have are not in alignment.
• 12:44
  Ben: I Could easily fall into the trap of, well, I know how to get there.
• 12:49
  Ben: I know I could just eat less and I could work out more thinking that I know everything would keep me from learning what it is that I actually need to know to help me to get the result that I want.
• 13:08
  Ben: So I want to just be really clear on this principle of knowing But being able to question, like, well, do I really know if I'm not experiencing this reality, the way that I'd like to experience it?
• 13:27
  Ben: I know what to do to be a better parent, but if I'm fighting with my teen every day and I don't even like them and they don't like me, do I really know what I think I know?
• 13:38
  Ben: I want to invite you to ditch I don't know.
• 13:44
  Ben: Wait, sorry, I misspoke.
• 13:45
  Ben: I want to invite you to ditch, I know for curiosity.
• 13:52
  Ben: If you're not doing as well as you'd like in your parenting, there's something that you don't know.
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  Ben: If you don't have the health that you would like, there's something that you don't know.
• 14:04
  Ben: If you don't know.
• 14:05
  Ben: You aren't financially where you'd like to be, and maybe you're in debt, you're living paycheck to paycheck, and you wish you were making 10, 000 a month.
• 14:18
  Ben: There's something that you don't know that is keeping you from the reality that you want.
• 14:25
  Ben: And I want you to get good at ditching the I know for curiosity, so you can start exploring.
• 14:35
  Ben: If you go through your parenting.
• 14:39
  Ben: Like, this experience of parenting a teenager, and you think all the time, I know, I know, you will miss opportunities to learn the things that you don't know, that you need to know, to experience the parenting that you know that you're capable of.
• 14:57
  Ben: Basically, I just want to invite you, quit thinking, that you know everything and be willing to try and experiment new things in new ways.
• 15:07
  Ben: Now, as I said, hey, quit thinking that you know everything.
• 15:11
  Ben: In the back of my mind, like in my own little voice is like, I don't think that I know everything.
• 15:17
  Ben: I, I get caught in that trap too.
• 15:19
  Ben: That is still an I know trap.
• 15:22
  Ben: And It's part of our ego.
• 15:25
  Ben: Now, rather than operating from the ego of, I don't know, I want to invite you to start operating from curiosity and from a willingness to be wrong and to try new things.
• 15:40
  Ben: Now, even if that little sentence there, quit thinking that you know everything, and you're like, well, I don't think I know everything.
• 15:47
  Ben: I want you to be willing to ask yourself, what do I think I know that is holding me back?
• 15:56
  Ben: There's a quote, I'm reading this book, it's actually really good.
• 16:00
  Ben: It's called Secrets of the Millionaire Mind by T.
• 16:04
  Ben: Harv Eker.
• 16:06
  Ben: I really like the book.
• 16:07
  Ben: I think it's fantastic.
• 16:09
  Ben: In this book, he quoted someone, I wasn't planning on sharing this.
• 16:15
  Ben: So, okay, here it is.
• 16:17
  Ben: Um, he attributed this quote to Josh Billings.
• 16:22
  Ben: I found it in the secrets of the leadership mind.
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  Ben: Anyways, the quote is this, it's not what we don't know that prevents us from succeeding.
• 16:33
  Ben: It's what we know that just ain't so that is the greatest obstacle.
• 16:40
  Ben: So what I'm inviting you to do.
• 16:44
  Ben: It's not even so much about, like, learning new ways of parenting.
• 16:50
  Ben: It's about unlearning what you think you know that isn't working.
• 16:56
  Ben: Because, subconsciously, as long as you think you know how it has to be and what's right, that will keep you going.
• 17:08
  Ben: From being able to learn what you need to know to create the parenting experience that you really want to have.
• 17:16
  Ben: So, do you want a better relationship with your team?
• 17:22
  Ben: Do you want to be the type of parent who already knows everything and keeps doing everything the same old way that has never worked?
• 17:31
  Ben: Or, do you want to be the type of parent who is willing to question what you think you know and experiment new principles in your parenting?
• 17:43
  Ben: Do you want to keep doing what you've been doing that hasn't worked, or do you want to try a new way of parenting that will completely change everything?
• 17:53
  Ben: I want to just re echo this one little point.
• 17:59
  Ben: I don't want you to To believe me.
• 18:03
  Ben: I'm not perfect.
• 18:04
  Ben: I make mistakes all the time.
• 18:05
  Ben: There are things that I used to teach that I no longer teach because I think I was wrong.
• 18:11
  Ben: I'm not inviting you to just follow me hook, line, and sinker and like go all in.
• 18:17
  Ben: That's not what I want.
• 18:20
  Ben: What I want is for you to question, what do I even know?
• 18:25
  Ben: What do I think I know that's actually holding me back when it comes to parenting my teen?
• 18:30
  Ben: And when you can do that, You'll start getting into curiosity.
• 18:35
  Ben: You can start learning new things.
• 18:37
  Ben: You can start experimenting.
• 18:38
  Ben: Like that's one of the things that I love about what I teach.
• 18:41
  Ben: I don't want you to just blindly follow me.
• 18:44
  Ben: I want you to experiment with this stuff and if it works, keep using it.
• 18:50
  Ben: If it doesn't work, no problem, move on to one of the next teachings.
• 18:53
  Ben: Not everything I teach is for everyone.
• 18:57
  Ben: Really catch yourself getting into the old, I know trap.
• 19:03
  Ben: If you're like me, you've been getting into that trap since you practiced it as a teenager or maybe even as a two year old, like just the other day, me and my nine year old were having a conversation.
• 19:13
  Ben: He's like, dad, I know, leave me alone.
• 19:16
  Ben: And I'm like, yeah, but I don't think you do know because if he did, you'd be doing things differently.
• 19:22
  Ben: This is just part of being human.
• 19:24
  Ben: Don't beat yourself up.
• 19:25
  Ben: It's okay.
• 19:26
  Ben: Just start catching yourself when you fall into the I Know Trap.
• 19:32
  Ben: Now, speaking of traps, did you know that I teach about three main parenting traps?
• 19:39
  Ben: There's the Controlling Parent Trap, and there's the Controlling Parent Trap.
• 19:42
  Ben: The doormat parent trap and the lost and confused parent trap.
• 19:47
  Ben: Now, what usually happens is that people, a lot of parents start in the controlling parent trap and they just try and control their team.
• 19:56
  Ben: They try and control like how well they do in school, how much screen time they have, what friends they hang out with.
• 20:02
  Ben: And they just try and control everything and it doesn't work.
• 20:06
  Ben: This is the thing that I teach.
• 20:08
  Ben: Like, if your traps aren't working, start questioning them.
• 20:12
  Ben: And then, usually what'll happen is they'll move from the controlling parent trap over to the other extreme, which is the doormat parent trap.
• 20:21
  Ben: And they just let their teen walk all over them.
• 20:23
  Ben: They're hoping that by being more lenient, they'll get along better.
• 20:29
  Ben: Their teen will like them more.
• 20:31
  Ben: And usually what they find out is, man, the controlling parent trap didn't work and neither does the doormat parent trap.
• 20:37
  Ben: Now I'm just getting walked on.
• 20:39
  Ben: And usually that leads them to the third parent trap, which is the lost and confused trap.
• 20:45
  Ben: Cause they're like, man, I've tried the controlling.
• 20:47
  Ben: I've tried the doormat doesn't work.
• 20:50
  Ben: Now, what do I do?
• 20:51
  Ben: I'm lost.
• 20:53
  Ben: I want to invite you.
• 20:54
  Ben: Go take my parent trap quiz.
• 20:58
  Ben: It is completely free.
• 21:01
  Ben: It will take you like three minutes or less.
• 21:04
  Ben: And the best part is it will completely change your relationship with your teen for the better.
• 21:12
  Ben: Now, it's super easy.
• 21:14
  Ben: You just go to like step one.
• 21:16
  Ben: Let's just break this down.
• 21:17
  Ben: Three simple steps.
• 21:19
  Ben: Step one, go to benpewcoaching.
• 21:22
  Ben: com slash parent trap quiz.
• 21:27
  Ben: It's that easy.
• 21:28
  Ben: Step two, Go take the quiz.
• 21:32
  Ben: It'll take you three minutes or less.
• 21:34
  Ben: It's super quick.
• 21:35
  Ben: You'll get an email that will tell you, Hey, you're falling into this parent trap.
• 21:39
  Ben: Here's how to get out.
• 21:41
  Ben: Oh, and by the way, in case you've fallen into the other two, here's how to get out of all the parent traps.
• 21:46
  Ben: And then step three.
• 21:48
  Ben: Just go experiment, go practice what you just learned and sit back and watch how much it improves your relationship with your teenager.
• 21:59
  Ben: Like I said, you can go take the parent trap quiz at Ben pew coaching.
• 22:03
  Ben: com slash parent trap quiz.
• 22:07
  Ben: It's free.
• 22:08
  Ben: It's easy.
• 22:09
  Ben: It'll take you two or three minutes and it will completely change your relationship with your team.
• 22:16
  Ben: Now go take that soon because I'm working on another free gift for you.
• 22:21
  Ben: And as soon as that free gift becomes available, the parent trap quiz will be gone.
• 22:26
  Ben: So go get on it.
• 22:28
  Ben: All right.
• 22:29
  Ben: With that, I will see you next week.
• 22:31
  Ben: We'll be right back here talking about powerful things to help you start being the parent of your dreams.
• 22:38
  Ben: I'll talk to you soon.