Latest / Living Deeply with Markieta Carter / Why My Coaching Isn’t for Everyone: Why I Choose Boundaries Over Approval

Transcript

Why My Coaching Isn’t for Everyone: Why I Choose Boundaries Over Approval · Living Deeply with Markieta Carter

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My coaching, it's not for everyone. I'm a LGBTQ plus woman.
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I'm not religious. I don't co-sign on excuses. And I talk about things that
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make most people clutch their pearls.
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Hey, it's Markita. And welcome back to Living Deeply Podcast.
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Today, I want to talk about something that I think is incredibly important for
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anyone who's interested in working with me.
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And that is why my particular brand of coaching is not for everyone.
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And you know what? I am completely okay with that. I've reached a point in my
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life where I understand that I don't have to appeal to everyone.
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I don't have to make myself smaller to make other people comfortable,
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and I don't have to hide parts of who I am to appear more professional.
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And I certainly don't have to compromise my own personal values just to gain
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another client. I'm a woman.
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I'm an LGBTQ TQ Plus woman.
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I am not religious. I'm a coach. I'm a business strategist, an officiant,
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a event singer, a speaker, a community builder, and a podcast host.
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And if you've listened to this podcast for any length of time,
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you probably already know that I'm not afraid to discuss topics that make some
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people clutch their pearls.
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I talk about things that people have been conditioned not to discuss openly
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things like religion, religious,
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deconstruction, sexuality, divorce, mental health, emotional abuse,
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family dysfunction, grief, forgiveness,
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boundaries, and the uncomfortable realities of just being a human.
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I question social expectations. I challenge beliefs that I believe cause harm.
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And I encourage people to think critically about the things they've been taught
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to accept without even questioning it.
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And I don't do that simply to be controversial. I do it because I believe that
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some of the most meaningful conversation and healing
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transformations begin when we're willing to talk about the things other people would rather avoid.
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So today, I want to explain who I am, who I serve, what I believe,
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how I coach, and how alignment matters so much to me.
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Because before you book a coaching session, hire me to build your website,
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invite me to officiate your wedding or event, or join one of my communities,
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I want you to know exactly who you're working with.
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And I want you to decide whether that aligns with your own personal values.
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Because you have the right to choose who you work with professionally.
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And I also have the right to establish boundaries around the services that I provide.
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And my boundaries are very intentional.
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Let me start with something that's very important to me. I'm an LGBTQ plus woman.
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And I'm an LGBTQ plus affirmative coach and professional.
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That means more than simply saying I welcome LGBTQ plus people.
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It means that I believe LGBTQ plus people deserve to live authentically.
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Safely, and with dignity.
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That means I don't believe someone's sexual orientation or gender identity is
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something that needs to be fixed, hidden, tolerated, or explained away.
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And that means that the spaces that I create are intentionally affirming,
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not just accepting, affirming.
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Because to me, there's a difference.
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Acceptance or tolerance says to me I may not agree with who you are but I'll allow you to exist,
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but affirmation says something very different it says your humanity dignity
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and right to be yourself are not up for debate and I support you,
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and that's the type of environment that I want to create and I understand that
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people come from different backgrounds and we have different experiences,
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religious beliefs, values, and perspectives.
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And I don't expect everybody to think exactly like I do.
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But there's a difference between having different beliefs and using those beliefs
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to shame, bully, discriminate against, or dehumanize a person.
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And that's why I draw a line very firmly.
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I don't tolerate bullying or dehumanization of LGBTQ plus people.
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Not in my coaching relationships, not in my professional spaces, and not in my community.
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And not in the events where I'm responsible for creating an affirming environment.
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I don't need someone to share every personal belief that I have,
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but I do expect them to respect the dignity and humanity of other people.
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And if that doesn't align with your values, then I know that I'm not the right professional for you.
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And that's okay. I'd rather you know that before we ever begin working together.
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Because being an LGBTQ plus woman isn't a marketing strategy for me.
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It's not a label that I put on my website to attract a particular audience.
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It is who I am. It is part of my lived experience and it influences how I understand
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the importance of authenticity, safety, belonging, and personal freedom.
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I'm not going to separate that part of myself from my professional identity
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and I don't believe that I should have to.
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Another thing I want potential clients to understand is that I am not religious.
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I don't organize my life, my coaching, or my professional services around religious doctrine.
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My values are grounded in human dignity, compassion, personal autonomy,
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accountability, and respect for others. And I don't need religion to guide me through those values.
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Now, that doesn't mean I have a problem with people who are religious. I don't.
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I have people in my life that I love and respect to are religious.
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I understand that faith can be meaningful and a source of comfort,
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community, and purpose for a lot of people.
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And I respect their right to practice their own beliefs. But respecting someone's
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beliefs doesn't mean I have to adopt them.
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It doesn't mean that I have to incorporate religion into my coaching.
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And it certainly doesn't mean that I have to remain silent when religious beliefs
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are used to shame, control, discriminate against. and dehumanize other people,
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especially women and members of the LGBTQ plus community.
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I also recognize that many women have experienced religious trauma.
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Some have spent years being told that their identities, their relationships,
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their bodies, and their personal decisions are somehow wrong.
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Some have been taught that setting boundaries is selfish, that questioning authority
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is disrespectful, that leaving an unhealthy relationship is a moral failure,
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or that their worth is connected to how well they conform to someone else's expectations.
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And I want those women to know that they don't have to defend their decision
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to question religion, leave religion, or live without religion in the spaces that I create.
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My coaching is not faith-based. My community is not faith-based and my personal
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worldview is not something I'm interested in concealing to make my business more marketable.
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You can absolutely be a religious woman and work with me.
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But I also need you to understand that I'm not going to approach your goals,
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relationships, or personal decisions through a religious framework.
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And I expect the same respect in return.
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Because mutual respect doesn't require identical beliefs. It requires recognizing
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that other people have the right to live according to their own values and choices.
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Now let's talk about this podcast because I think the Living Deeply podcast
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tells you a lot about who I am.
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I don't shy away from uncomfortable conversations. In fact, some of my favorite
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conversations are the ones that make people clutch their pearls because I believe
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there are far too many things that we've been taught not to question.
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We're taught not to question religion, not to question family traditions,
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not to question the expectations placed on women,
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not to question authority, not to talk openly about sexuality,
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emotional abuse, mental health, all the ways people can harm one another while
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still maintaining a socially acceptable image.
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And I question all of it. I talk about why forgiveness isn't always necessary for healing.
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I talk about why being related to someone doesn't automatically entitle them to access to your life.
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I talk about emotional sensitivity and how it can be misunderstood or weaponized against someone.
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I talk about relationships that look healthy from the outside but feel emotionally
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unsafe to the people experiencing them.
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I talk about religious deconstruction. I talk about being a LGBTQ plus woman.
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I talk about grief, motherhood, identity, personal growth, and choosing yourself.
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And sometimes I share perspectives that challenge deeply healed beliefs.
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Now here's what I want you to understand.
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I don't share these perspectives because I think everybody needs to agree with me.
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I share them because I believe people deserve the freedom to think critically,
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examine their experiences, and arrive at their own conclusions.
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And sometimes that means challenging ideas we've accepted for most of our lives.
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My podcast is an extension of my authenticity.
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Authenticity it's a space where I can be curious vulnerable analytical compassionate
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and sometimes controversial and I don't believe those qualities make me less professional I believe
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that they make me more human so if you're considering working with me understand
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that you've hired someone who has a voice
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someone who has opinions someone who is willing to challenge social norms and
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someone who isn't going to pretend to be religious, heterosexual,
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or agreeable to every perspective just to make other people feel comfortable.
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I am who I am, and I love who I am, and I want the people who choose to work
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with me to know that from the beginning.
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Now, another important boundary I've established is that I only coach women.
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I don't coach men. And that is an intentional decision based on my own lived
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experiences, my professional strengths, and my personal comfort.
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I connect with women differently. I understand many of the challenges that women
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experience because I've experienced them myself.
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I understand what it's like to navigate expectations around motherhood,
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relationships, careers, leadership, emotional labor, and constantly being expected
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to show up for everybody else.
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I understand what it's like to reinvent yourself, to discover parts of your identity later in life,
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to establish boundaries that other people may not appreciate,
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and to decide that you're no
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longer going to live your life according to someone else's expectations.
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These experiences shape how I coach.
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But there's another reason I exclusively coach women, and I'm going to be transparent about it.
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I feel safer working with women. I have had experiences with men where they
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have approached me for coaching services, and eventually it became very apparent
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that their intentions were not entirely professional.
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They had ulterior motives, and those experiences have taught me something important.
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Just because someone wants access to me doesn't mean I'm obligated to provide it.
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I don't have to sacrifice my emotional safety to grow my business.
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And I don't have to make exceptions to my boundaries because someone believes
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they should be an exception.
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And I don't have to justify my decisions to specialize in serving women only.
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That doesn't believe I believe all men have inappropriate intentions.
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It means that I've made a deliberate decision about where I want to focus my coaching practice.
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I coach women and my coaching is LGBTQ plus affirmative and those two things
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are not negotiable for me.
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Now, I want to talk about something that is especially meaningful to me.
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I created a women-only LGBTQ plus affirmative community called Thriven Humans.
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And even the name of that community is intentional. You may have noticed that
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I didn't call it thriving. I called it Thriven.
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And there is a reason for that. The word thriving describes an ongoing process,
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something we're doing, something we're working towards something we hope to
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achieve, but I chose Thriven to represent something different.
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Now, thriven is an established form of the verb thrive, and I'm giving it a
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very intentional meaning within my community.
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For us, thriven is a declaration. It means it's already so.
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We are not waiting till we have accomplished every goal, healed every wound,
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or figured out every part of our lives before we allow ourselves to identify as people who thrive.
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We have already been thriving every day in every way even on the difficult days
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even when we are grieving,
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even when we are uncertain and even when we're starting over even when all we've
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managed to do that day is get up out of bed and keep going because thriving
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doesn't always look like success productivity or happiness,
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sometimes thriving looks like survival sometimes it looks like choosing yourself.
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Sometimes it looks like setting a boundary. Sometimes it looks like asking for help.
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And sometimes it looks like recognizing that the life you're living right now
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is worthy of being celebrated, even while you're working towards something different.
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That's what Thriven Humans represents to me.
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We're not a community of women waiting to become worthy, whole, or successful.
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We are women recognizing that our lives already have value.
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We're women recognizing that we've already overcome some very hard things,
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that we've already grown and that we continue growing without denying how far we've come.
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And because Thriven Humans is also a LGBTQ plus affirmative community,
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I want women to know that they can show up authentically.
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Whether you're a lesbian like me, bisexual, transgender, queer,
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questioning, or an affirming ally, the expectation is the same.
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We respect one another. We support one another. And we don't dehumanize people
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because their lives, identities, or relationships look different from our own.
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I created Thriven Humans because I wanted a space where women could connect
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without feeling like they needed to defend their existence.
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A space for friendship, for personal growth, for emotional well-being,
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and for meaningful conversations.
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And for building community with
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women who understand the importance of authenticity and mutual respect.
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You can learn more about the community at ThrivenHumans.org.
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Now let's talk about my actual coaching approach because there's something I
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want potential clients to understand.
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I am an empath. I am emotionally sensitive. I'm intuitive. And I genuinely care
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about the people I work with.
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When someone shares their experiences with me, I don't just hear the words they're
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saying. I often recognize the emotions underneath those words.
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I believe that's one of the strengths that I bring to coaching.
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But here's where some people may misunderstand. me.
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Just because I'm empathetic doesn't mean that I'm going to coddle you.
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It doesn't mean that I'm going to agree with everything you say.
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And it doesn't mean that I'm going to co-sign every excuse you make for why
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you aren't accomplishing your goals.
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Because that's not what I believe effective coaching looks like. Now, I want to be clear.
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I understand that life happens. People experience grief, trauma,
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financial hardships, discrimination, disabilities, family responsibilities,
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and circumstances that are all beyond their control.
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I understand that personally and I'm not interested in minimizing anyone's struggles but
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I am interested in helping women recognize where they still have power because
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sometimes the question isn't whether your circumstances are difficult,
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sometimes the question is why you're willing and able to do despite those circumstances.
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And sometimes the answer is that you need to rest, recover, and get additional
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support before moving forward. That's valid too.
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But what I'm not going to do is repeatedly validate avoidance when I recognize
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that avoidance may be preventing you from accomplishing something you generally want for yourself.
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I will validate your emotions. I will acknowledge your circumstances,
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but I will also challenge you to examine your own choices, your patterns,
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and your opportunities because I don't coach women to remain stuck.
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I coach women to recognize what's possible and develop strategies for moving forward.
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If you work with me, accountability is going to be a part of our relationship.
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I'm not going to talk about, I'm not talking about shaming you.
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I'm talking about making sure that you're taking your goals seriously.
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If you tell me you want to advance into executive leadership role,
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we're gonna talk about what you're doing to position yourself for that opportunity.
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If you tell me that you want to start a business, we're going to discuss your
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business model, your target audience, your marketing strategy,
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and the actions necessary to get started. it.
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If you tell me that you want to build confidence, we're going to explore the
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behaviors and beliefs that may be keeping you from showing up confidently.
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And if you tell me you want to establish healthier boundaries,
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we're going to talk about what happens when those boundaries are tested.
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Because wanting something is one thing, but taking intentional steps towards it is another.
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And my role is not to do the work for you. My role is to help you identify strategies,
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remove unnecessary barriers where possible, and to hold you accountable to the
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commitments you choose to make.
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I'm not interested in making you dependent upon me. I want you to develop confidence,
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clarity, and practical skills to eventually make those decisions for yourself. That's empowerment.
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Another important boundary I have is recognizing the difference between coaching
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and clinical medical healthcare, mental healthcare.
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I am a certified coach. I have a professional education, training,
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and experience in several areas, but I am not a licensed mental health professional.
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I'm not a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist, and I refuse to present
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myself as something I'm not.
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I believe mental health care is valuable. I believe seeking treatment when you
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need it is a responsible decision.
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And I don't believe that having a mental health diagnosis makes someone incapable
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of accomplishing extraordinary things.
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But I also recognize that some people may be experiencing symptoms or challenges
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that require clinical care beyond what I can provide as a coach.
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And when that happens, I have to respect my professional limitations.
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If I recognize that a client needs
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are outside of my scope, I will have an honest conversation with her.
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Depending on the circumstances, that may mean recommending additional professional
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support, pausing our coaching sessions, or ending the coaching relationship
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and referring her to a licensed mental health professional.
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I also recognize that someone can
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participate in coaching while receiving appropriate mental health care.
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Those things are not mutually exclusive. The important question is whether a
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coaching is appropriate for that person's current needs.
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Because I'm not going to continue accepting someone's money when I believe that
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they need a different kind of professional support that I am not qualified to provide.
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And I think that's an important part of practicing ethically.
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Now, another thing I want people to understand about me is that I don't coach just in one area.
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My professional and personal experiences are very diverse.
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So the service that I offer are diverse as well.
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I provide women's empowerment coaching for women who want to build confidence,
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establish boundaries, rediscover themselves, and make meaningful changes in their lives.
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I provide women's executive coaching for women who are navigating leadership
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challenges, career advancement, workplace dynamics, and professional development.
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My background professionally is in human resources, employment law,
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organizational leadership, and people strategy.
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And that allows me to bring my professional perspective into those conversations.
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I also provide business strategy coaching and services.
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And this is an area where I really enjoy helping women turn their ideas into something tangible.
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I help with website strategy and design, business automation,
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lead generation, social media management, and developing systems that help businesses
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operate more efficiently.
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Because sometimes a woman doesn't need another motivational speech about believing
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in herself. Sometimes she needs a website.
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Sometimes she needs a lead generation strategy.
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Sometimes she needs to automate that repetitive task that's taken up all of her time.
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Sometimes she needs help figuring out how to position her services,
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communicate her values, or build a business that can actually function.
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And I love being able to provide that type of practical support.
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I am a solution-focused person and coach.
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I enjoy taking complicated problems and breaking them down into actionable steps.
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And that's something I bring into every area of my work.
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Now, coaching is only a part of what I do. Also an officiant,
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I provide LGBTQ plus affirmative wedding officiant services.
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And I want couples to know that when they work with me, their love and commitment
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will be treated with dignity and respect.
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I'm not going to make a LGBTQ plus couple feel like their ceremony is somehow
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less meaningful or deserving of celebration.
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I am here to honor and support their relationship and help create a ceremony
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that reflects who they are.
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I also officiate funerals, memorial services, and celebrations of life,
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especially for the LGBTQ plus community.
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And I approach that work with compassion,
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sensitivity, and respect for the individual and their loved ones.
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I understand that grief is deeply personal, and I have experienced it myself.
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And I believe that every family deserves an opportunity to honor their loved
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one in a way that reflects their life, their values, and their wishes.
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I'm also an event singer. Music has always been very meaningful for me,
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a meaningful form of expression and healing.
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And being able to use my voice to contribute to weddings, memorials,
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celebrations, and other meaningful events is something that I value.
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I'm also a LGBTQ plus and women's empowerment affirmative speaker.
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I speak on topics that matter to me, including women's empowerment,
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personal growth, emotional well-being, leadership, authenticity,
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and creating spaces where people are treated with dignity.
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So when I say I wear a lot of different hats, I mean it.
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But what connects all those services is that they're rooted in the same values,
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authenticity, compassion, empowerment, professionalism, and respect for humanity.
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I am not one person when I'm coaching and an entirely different person when
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I'm officiating a wedding or speaking at an event. My values follow me into
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every professional space I enter.
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One of the reasons I coach the way I do is because of my own experiences.
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I have accomplished things in life that once seemed almost impossible.
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I've had to reinvent myself. I've had to overcome personal and professional challenges.
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And I've had to make difficult decisions without knowing exactly how everything would turn out.
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And I've had to learn how to keep moving forward when circumstances were far from ideal.
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Now, I don't say that to suggest that everybody can accomplish everything simply
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by thinking positively.
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I don't believe that. And I am, you know, I'm realistic, But there are legitimate,
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barriers and there are circumstances beyond our control.
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And sometimes we have to adjust our expectations or change direction.
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But I also know that something seemingly impossible doesn't automatically mean it is.
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Sometimes we simply haven't identified the right strategy.
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Sometimes we need additional resources. Sometimes we need a different perspective.
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And sometimes we need someone to help us to recognize opportunities that we didn't even consider.
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Now, that's why I believe coaching can be powerful. I want my clients to learn
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how to approach challenges with curiosity and.
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Rather than automatically assuming defeat, instead of saying,
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I can't do this, I want us to explore why it feels impossible.
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What would we need to change? What resources are we missing?
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What alternatives exist?
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What can we realistically accomplish right now? Because I believe that a solution-based
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mindset can change how we approach our lives.
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And that doesn't mean denying our own emotions. it means refusing to let fear
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or uncertainty be the only voice guiding our decisions.
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Now, I want to make this important distinction. When I say that I lead with
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a positive mindset, I'm not talking about pretending everything is wonderful.
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I'm not going to tell you to smile through your pain.
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I'm not going to tell you that every negative experience is a blessing in disguise
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because I don't believe that.
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I'm not going to suggest that you attracted every difficult experience into
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your life because you weren't thinking positively enough.
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I don't believe that either. I believe in acknowledging reality.
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I believe in recognizing pain.
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I believe in allowing ourselves to experience difficult emotions without shame.
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But I also believe in asking what comes next.
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What can we learn? What can we change? What can we release?
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And what can we build from here? That's the kind of positivity that I practice.
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It's grounded in reality. it's focused in possibilities, and it's supported by practical action.
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Now here's something I especially want potential clients to hear.
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I want you to know who I am before you ever consider hiring me.
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I don't want someone to book a session with me and later discover that I'm an
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LGBTQ plus woman and feel uncomfortable with that.
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I don't want somebody to hire me and later discover that I'm not religious and
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expect me to change my worldview.
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I don't want someone to join Thriven Humans and then discover that it's an LGBTQ
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plus affirmative community and decide that the identities of other members are problems for them.
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I don't want someone to hire me to speak at an event and expect me to participate
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in language or messaging that dehumanizes LGBTQ plus people.
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I don't want someone to hire me for service and expect me to hide who I am to make them comfortable.
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That is not how I operate.
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Being an LGBTQ plus woman is a part of who I am.
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Being non-religious is a part of my worldview. Being affirming is a part of how I show up.
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And being willing to discuss uncomfortable topics is a part of what makes my
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podcast and my coaching what it is.
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I want all of that to be clear from the beginning.
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Now, that doesn't mean every conversation
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I have is going to be LGBTQ plus religion or my personal beliefs.
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If I'm helping you build a website, we're going to talk about your website.
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If I'm helping you develop a lead generation strategy, we're going to talk about your business.
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If I'm coaching you through an executive leadership challenge,
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we're going to focus on that challenge.
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But my identity doesn't disappear simply because we're discussing something else.
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And I shouldn't have to pretend that it does. You don't have to be LGBTQ plus to work with me.
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You don't have to be non-religious. And you don't have to share every personal belief I have.
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But you do need to respect who I am and the communities that I serve.
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And if that creates discomfort for you, then I would encourage you to find another
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professional to work with who is a better fit.
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Not because I wish you any harm, but because I believe professional relationships
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should be built on mutual respect.
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And I'd rather we recognize a lack of alignment before either of us invest time,
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energy or money into a working relationship that just isn't right.
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One of the most freeing realizations I had as a business owner is I don't need everyone to choose me.
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I don't need everyone in the book of coaching session. I don't need every business owner to hire me.
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I don't need every couple to choose me as their officiant.
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I don't need everyone to agree with my personal values and I don't need everyone
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to appreciate the conversations I have on my podcast.
31:21
I'm also not interested in building a business by pretending to be someone I'm not.
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I would rather attract clients that appreciate my authenticity,
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respect my boundaries, and generally value the experience and expertise I bring.
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Because when there's alignment, the work and relationship just feels different.
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There's trust. There's mutual respect. There's clarity.
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There is clarity about expectations. And there are shared understandings of
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what we're working toward.
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That doesn't mean there won't be difficult conversations. There absolutely may
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be, especially in coaching.
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But those conversations can happen within a relationship where both people understand
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and respect the purpose of the work.
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And that's the kind of professional relationships I want to build.
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So who is my coaching for? It's for women, a woman who's ready to take herself
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seriously, the woman who has goals that may seem unrealistic to other people,
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but she's willing to explore what it would take to accomplish them.
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The woman who wants to build confidence, the woman who wants to grow professionally,
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the woman who wants to start or expand a business, the woman who wants to stop
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people pleasing, and the woman who.
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Who wants to start making decisions that reflect her own values and choices.
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The woman who understands that accountability and compassion can coexist.
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The woman who is willing to have honest conversations, even when those conversations
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challenge her perspective.
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And the woman who believes that other women deserve to live authentically,
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including LGBTQ TQ plus women.
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You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to have everything figured out.
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You don't have to be confident every day.
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And you don't have to arrive with a complete plan. But you do need to be willing
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to participate in the process.
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Because I can bring the strategies. I can bring the experience.
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I can bring the encouragement and motivation. But, and I can bring the accountability,
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but I cannot make your decisions for you.
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I can't accomplish your goals on your behalf.
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And I can't want your success more than you're willing to invest in yourself.
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As I close this episode, I want to leave you with something.
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There is freedom in knowing who you are. There's freedom in knowing what you stand for.
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And there's freedom in understanding that not everyone is meant to have access to you.
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I've learned that I can be compassionate without being available to everyone.
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I can be empathetic without enabling behavior that prevents growth.
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I can be affirming without compromising my boundaries.
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And I can be a successful business owner without trying to appeal to every client.
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I'm a woman, an LGBTQ plus woman, a non-religious woman, a coach,
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a strategist, officiant, singer, speaker,
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a community builder, and a podcast host who isn't afraid to discuss things that
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make people clutch their pearls.
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Every one of those identities and roles is a part of the person that you would
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be choosing to work with.
34:39
And I'm not going to separate the pieces of myself to make my services more appealing to people.
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Who aren't comfortable with me as a whole person because I work too hard to,
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become comfortable with who I am.
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And I want the women I coach to experience that same freedom.
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The freedom to love authentically, to establish boundaries, to pursue goals that matter to them.
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And the freedom to stop seeking approval from people who were never going to
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understand their journey in the first place. So yes, my coaching is not for everyone.
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My community is not for everyone. My podcast is not for everyone.
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And my professional approach is not for everyone.
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But for the women who connect with my values, my approach, and who are ready
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to do the meaningful work towards their goals, I would love an opportunity to
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support you because I'm not trying to serve everybody.
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I'm trying to serve the right people in the right way while remaining true to
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who I am. And that is enough for me.
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So if you're a woman who connects with my approach
35:48
and you're ready for coaching that is compassionate, honest,
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accountable, and solution-focused, I invite you to explore my services at itsmarkita.com.
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You can learn more about my women's empowerment coaching, women's executive
36:05
coaching, business strategy services, including website designs,
36:10
business automation, lead generation, and social management,
36:14
social media management.
36:15
And you can also explore my LGBTQ plus affirmative officiant services,
36:21
event singing and speaking engagements.
36:24
And if you're looking for a community of women who believe in authenticity,
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personal growth, meaningful connection, and LGBTQ plus,
36:35
affirmation, I invite you to join Thriven Humans at ThrivenHumans.org.
36:42
Remember, we aren't waiting to thrive. We are Thriven. It is already so.
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And for more conversations about life, relationships, emotional well-being,
36:53
personal growth, and living authentically, including the occasional conversation
36:59
that makes people clutch their pearls,
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visit livingdeeplypodcast.com.
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Until next time, keep choosing yourself, keep honoring your boundaries, and keep living deeply.