Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 193: The Surprising Secret to Becoming The Best Version of You | Reinvent Yourself and Win at Life

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193: The Surprising Secret to Becoming The Best Version of You | Reinvent Yourself and Win at Life · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  well, happy New Year and welcome back.
• 0:22
  My name is MaryAnn Walker and I help highly sensitive people and recovering people.
• 0:25
  Pleasers, create lives that they really love, free of guilt, fear, and obligation.
• 0:31
  And today I wanna share with you a very simple idea that is sure to help and support you as you work to achieve any resolution that you've set for yourself this year.
• 0:38
  And it will also help and support you in your life and your relationships as well.
• 0:43
  I was recently rereading Joe Dispenza's book, breaking the Habit of Being Yourself.
• 0:48
  And yes, I will link it in the show notes.
• 0:49
  I find it to be a great read.
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  But he shared something in that book that really got me thinking.
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  He was talking about the difference between a mood and a temperament, and he said, yes, a mood is a temporary emotion.
• 1:01
  We all know that.
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  But then he said something interesting.
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  He said that your temperament or your personality is basically the mood that you have practiced so much, that it's become a part of who you are.
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  And let me reframe that again.
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  Your personality is formed by the moods that you've practiced so much that they've become a part of who you are.
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  And that means that with enough practice you can become whoever it is that you want to become.
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  So today, first we're going to explore what is that you're currently creating for yourself, your current and most practiced mood.
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  And then we're gonna talk about how to shift that into something that is more supportive for you and the life that you wanna create.
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  Now if you've been listening to this podcast for any length of time, you know something I talk about a lot is the fact that our thoughts create our feelings.
• 1:48
  So the fastest way to discover what mood you've been practicing the most is to just observe what thoughts you are practicing the most, and then see what those are creating for you.
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  See if you can notice where your mind goes when it just wanders.
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  When you're washing dishes, as you're falling asleep, what are the recurring thoughts that come up for you?
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  And that can be a big indicator as to, oh, these thoughts are influencing how I'm showing up.
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  They may be helping to set the tone for my temperament.
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  So kind of get curious about yourself and ask yourself, okay, am I somebody who always looks on the bright side?
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  How do I describe myself?
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  Or am I somebody who kind of tends to focus on why things aren't working out for me?
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  Like, oh my goodness, now that's not working out and that's not working out.
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  Everything is going wrong.
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  Are you maybe somebody who lives in gratitude and abundance, or are you somebody that kind of lives in the lack?
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  Now I'm gonna share a few fictional but very common examples to kind of demonstrate a little bit about how our practiced thoughts and our practiced mood can shape our reality and our personality.
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  So first we're gonna talk about Sarah.
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  Sarah always feels kind of sad and left out as she moves throughout her day.
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  She finds evidence everywhere that nobody's talking to her at the water cooler.
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  People seem to have really full social lives and she's never invited to the things, and she's just basically convinced that nobody even thinks about including her.
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  And those thoughts are really creating a lot of sadness for her.
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  And when she's feeling sad and she's feeling out of place and she's feeling like nobody wants to engage with her, what she's doing through that emotion is she's avoiding eye contact, she's withdrawing, she's keeping to herself.
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  Essentially she's unintentionally sending the message that she's not interested in connecting.
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  So even though there's people around her that would like to engage with her because of her body language, which is being created by her thoughts, they instead choose to just kind of leave her alone.
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  And because she's practiced the belief that I'm always left out for so long, it's become a part of who she is.
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  She's the one that no one talks to or reaches out to, but it's not who she wants to be.
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  She wants to be fun, she wants to be engaging.
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  She wants to have a full community.
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  So as Sarah begins to notice her thoughts, then she starts to intentionally choose new ones.
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  And so while traditionally her thoughts have been, well, nobody wants to talk to me.
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  I don't have any friends.
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  Nobody wants to hang out with me.
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  She's choosing instead to focus on other things.
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  For example, curiosity can be very helpful here.
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  I love curiosity.
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  So instead she's asking herself a question she's wondering to herself, Hmm, I wonder who could use a friend today?
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  If I were to find a friend today, where would they be?
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  Now these thoughts are going to be creating curiosity for her, and the brain loves to have an assignment, so when you ask your brain a question, it's going to want to answer it.
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  So her brain is going to automatically be looking for ways that she could find a friend today.
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  It's gonna be looking for, oh yeah, where would I find a friend?
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  Who else could use a friend?
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  Maybe we could be a match.
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  Her brain is gonna have that as its assignment, and then it's gonna be looking for the ways that she could connect rather than looking for all of the evidence that she's not connecting.
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  Make sense?
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  So when she's thinking, oh, well I wonder who could use a friend today?
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  Or if I were to find a friend, who would they be?
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  It's gonna create curiosity for her.
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  It's gonna create determination, it's going to create openness.
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  And then she's gonna start initiating conversations with other people.
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  And as she's doing all of these things and living life through those new emotions, then she starts to notice things.
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  She starts to notice who else is sitting alone, and then she's choosing to sit with them because she's now on the search for her person, then rather than waiting for other people to initiate, she starts to initiate and call people in.
• 5:24
  And as she kind of sets this as, okay, this is who I want to become, she starts to notice how other people are engaging.
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  She even notices that, oh, the people who are engaging at the water cooler, they're really good at asking questions.
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  They're asking questions like, oh, how was your weekend?
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  Or How did you enjoy the concert?
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  And so she notices that and decides to start to try to do that herself.
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  So she starts to inquire about other people.
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  She starts to follow up with them when she learns about something that they're going to be doing soon.
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  And so now, rather than being seen as the one who doesn't really wanna talk or engage, rather than being the one who's kind of small and shrinking herself at her desk, she has now become the one that everybody wants to share their exciting news with.
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  She is now seen as the confidant and the cheerleader that is so excited for people to be going on these adventures.
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  And soon she even finds herself being invited along on these outings.
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  So by practicing more supportive thoughts, then she's now changed how it is that she's showing up.
• 6:21
  She's changed her personality and that has drastically changed how it is that she's showing up in the world, and that has absolutely changed her whole experience with how she experiences herself and others as well.
• 6:33
  Okay.
• 6:33
  Another example Brad.
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  Brad has come to view his wife as a nag, and when he walks through the door at the end of the day, then he finds that, oh, she's just instantly asking me for help.
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  She wants me to hold the baby.
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  She wants me to stir the pot.
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  She's just asking for something the second I walk in the door.
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  And so he's feeling really irritated and overwhelmed.
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  And so his Practiced thoughts might sound like, boy, she's just so negative.
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  She should be more supportive of me.
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  Doesn't she know that I'm tired?
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  What does she want from me now?
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  These are the thoughts that he's having and that is absolutely having an impact on his relationship.
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  Those thoughts are creating resentment and entitlement for him, and that makes him feel miserable and disconnected from his wife and his family.
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  Now, through coaching, then Brad was able to realize that his practiced mood in his marriage was bitterness and resentment.
• 7:21
  And that bitterness and resentment was shaping his temperament and how he was showing up for his wife and children.
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  He didn't wanna be bitter and resentful, and now that he was bringing this into his conscious awareness, that's an uncomfortable but an essential part.
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  We have to recognize what is it that we're creating for ourselves so that we can change it into something more supportive.
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  So then once he recognizes that he's having these negative thoughts about what a nag his wife is, he's able to actually identify those and then change them in his mind.
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  And a really cool thing happens when he starts to practice these thoughts.
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  He becomes more observant of the little things.
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  He can now see how curious and funny his toddler is.
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  He can see that his kids aren't annoying or clingy, but they're happy to see and play with their dad.
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  And his wife, she works just as hard as he does and she's overwhelmed because it is a challenge to cook with children underfoot.
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  And all he has to do is play with them for a little while and then he gets this amazing dinner and a significantly more present available wife.
• 8:20
  These small shifts have drastically changed how he walks through the door.
• 8:23
  He is now more present, more engaged, more supportive, and because his wife is also feeling more supported, then she has more energy, too, and their evenings together have completely transformed from nagging and resentment to connection, affection and appreciation.
• 8:39
  He intentionally practiced a mood of gratitude and that changed his whole temperament.
• 8:44
  And by extension that also changed his family's temperament as well.
• 8:49
  Okay, now let's talk about Emma.
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  Emma has struggled with her weight for years, but more than anything, she struggled with overwhelm.
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  "She thinks it's too much.
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  I don't even know where to start." And when she practices that thought, she does nothing.
• 9:03
  Or she tries to do everything perfectly for about three days, and then she burns out and then decides, oh, I'll just start again next month.
• 9:10
  Overwhelm has become a part of her temperament, and it's starting to leak into other aspects of her life as well.
• 9:15
  But this isn't who it is that she wants to be.
• 9:18
  Now, as she starts to notice her practiced thoughts, then that's when she's able to change them.
• 9:23
  So now, rather than focusing on how it's all just too much, she's practicing the thought,"I can pick one thing today to better my health." And suddenly, with that little thought, things feel doable.
• 9:36
  She drinks a glass of water.
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  She takes a short walk.
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  On her lunch break, she adds one more vegetable to her plate.
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  She goes to bed at 10 minutes earlier, and as she practices this thought, then the overwhelm fades, consistency starts to grow, and her identity shifts from"I can't handle this" into something significantly more supportive.
• 9:55
  It shifts into"I am capable of taking care of myself one small step at a time." Your temperament is a result of your pattern of thinking.
• 10:06
  It's not your identity, and it doesn't have to stay forever.
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  Remember that a mood is temporary and a temperament is simply a mood that you've practiced long enough that it's become your identity.
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  So ask yourself, how would you describe your current temperament?
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  How would other people describe your current temperament?
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  And what temperament would you need to practice in order to become who it is that you truly want to become?
• 10:30
  Now I get it that sometimes thoughts are tricky and that's why coaching can be so helpful.
• 10:33
  This is why I still go to a coach because thoughts are tricky.
• 10:37
  We sometimes assume an identity, and then we just think, okay, well that part of me, that's never ever going to change.
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  It's just who I am.
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  So we don't change.
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  In fact, we don't even want to change.
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  What we would far prefer is that everybody else adapt to us.
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  Everybody else change around us.
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  It was really interesting.
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  I was on a call recently where somebody said, no, this is just who I am, and they said it like it was a fact.
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  That this is a part of them that could never, ever change.
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  And this is so often what it is that we're choosing to believe about ourselves.
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  We think, oh, well this is just the way I am.
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  You need to adapt, not me.
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  And so when this is happening for us, we're actually making excuses for ourselves rather than holding ourselves accountable.
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  So a few common thoughts that people have where they're just assuming that this is how they're going to be, they're assuming that this is a fact.
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  So notice if any of these apply to you.
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  Okay, so here's a few of them.
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  This is just how I am.
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  I'm an Italian, of course i'm loud.
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  I am an introvert.
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  Of course, I'm not going to initiate.
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  You need to do it.
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  Instead, I'm a type A personality, so everything has to be perfect.
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  I'm blunt.
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  People need to deal with it.
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  I'm not a morning person.
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  I'm not disciplined.
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  I'm unlucky in love.
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  I'm bad at communicating.
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  I can't say no.
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  I can't resist a dessert.
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  People always take advantage of me.
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  I'm powerless here.
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  I can't do it.
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  I'm not worthy.
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  I'm unlovable.
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  I'm too much.
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  I'm not enough.
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  Now, I want to remind you that these are all just thoughts.
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  And these particular thoughts are not very supportive ones.
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  And just because you've assumed this identity for a while now, it doesn't mean that you're locked into this identity forever.
• 12:19
  And it is wonderful that you're starting to see these things in yourself, and also sometimes we see it more clearly in other people.
• 12:26
  For example, in that friend who has become increasingly more negative, the coworker whose entire personality seems to revolve around whatever reality TV show they're watching at the time.
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  Maybe it's that family member who can't hear anything that fits outside of their own personal bias.
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  Or maybe it's something positive like that friend who absolutely radiates joy, or the neighbor who radiates generosity, and it's all because of a mood that they have practiced.
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  Good or bad, supportive, or not.
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  Every personality is simply a practiced emotional state.
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  So today I encourage you just start to notice what your practiced thoughts are.
• 13:04
  Has your personality changed over the years, and if so, in what ways?
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  Sometimes our personalities change because of a specific event, and that's a big indicator that, okay, this is because I'm practicing something maybe you're showing up differently post-divorce because you're feeling very wounded.
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  Notice that about yourself, and then choose who it is that you want to be.
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  Or maybe you're showing up differently after a big layoff or after a toxic relationship.
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  There's many things that happen in our lives that do contribute to who we are, but we still get to choose who it is that we want to be.
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  We are not at the mercy of these external events.
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  We get to choose how it is that we want to navigate them.
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  Now, if any of these examples have hit close to home for you, if you're starting to see yourself in a practice mood that has become your personality, I wanna remind you that you are not stuck.
• 13:48
  You are just well practiced.
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  And together then we can identify what thoughts are holding you back and help you to find more supportive ways of thinking and being.
• 13:57
  You do not have to figure this out alone.
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  So if you're ready to create lasting change, come and work with me.
• 14:02
  Together we'll map out the thoughts and emotional habits that are shaping your current experience and build a new pattern of thinking and being that supports the person that you want to become on purpose.
• 14:14
  Your temperament is not your destiny, but it can be a huge part of your transformation.
• 14:19
  I do have a few more spots available for the new year, so come and work with me.
• 14:23
  I offer six week packages and I think that you'll honestly be surprised how much you and I can accomplish and how much change you can experience in just six weeks of coaching.
• 14:32
  So you can email me at maryann@maryannwalker.life.
• 14:35
  You can click the link in the show notes, but come and find me.
• 14:38
  I would love to work with you.
• 14:40
  All right, well, I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 14:41
  Bye now.