Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / Why you shouldn't give a narcissist a checklist to earn your forgiveness

Transcript

Why you shouldn't give a narcissist a checklist to earn your forgiveness · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  What is going on beautiful people?
• 0:02
  Welcome to another episode of the Narcissist Code.
• 0:04
  I'm your favorite selfaware narcissist, Mr. Lee Hammock
• 0:08
  better known as mental illness across all social media
• 0:10
  platforms. This is the first time I see in
• 0:12
  my face or hearing my voice. I'm a clinically diagnosed
• 0:14
  narcissist. I use my platform on social
• 0:17
  media to raise awareness of NPD, get more people into therapy and
• 0:20
  also validate the victim, survivors and thrivers of said
• 0:23
  disorder. Said toxic people said toxic
• 0:25
  traits. Today's episode y'all is going
• 0:27
  to be about why you should not give a narcissistic person a
• 0:31
  checklist of forgiveness. Like if they do something bad to
• 0:35
  you and they and they ask you how do I fix this.
• 0:39
  You should not give them a checklist on how to fix it or a
• 0:42
  checklist on your boundaries and things of that nature.
• 0:44
  Y'all before we happen to today's episode y'all make sure
• 0:47
  y'all check out the self love brand.
• 0:49
  This is my shirt right here. This is impact over intent.
• 0:55
  Because you know, impact is important.
• 0:57
  Intent is cool, impact is more important.
• 1:00
  You know what I'm saying? Because you have, you could have
• 1:02
  good intentions and end up having a horrible impact on
• 1:05
  people. So make sure you think about
• 1:06
  your impact. You could have good intentions,
• 1:09
  but your impact is important. Y'all, yeah, put a mic back on
• 1:13
  my shirt and let's keep it pop. Let's keep it moving.
• 1:16
  But yeah, yeah, so why you shouldn't this first of all this
• 1:19
  is I got this idea from Ben Taylor.
• 1:21
  Raw Motivations. Check him out.
• 1:22
  He did. He said this and I was talking
• 1:24
  to him one day. He was just mentioning he's
• 1:26
  like, yeah, don't get my checklist because it is.
• 1:28
  I'm like, oh, that's cool. So this is my reason behind it
• 1:31
  as well. So Ben Taylor, Raw Motivations.
• 1:33
  Another son for what? Narciss puts out great content.
• 1:35
  Check him out on all platforms at Raw Motivations.
• 1:38
  Just like that. But yeah, y'all, don't give a
• 1:42
  narcissist A checklist. You should not give them.
• 1:44
  It's like it's like you don't want to lead them to your
• 1:48
  happiness. Because if you lead them to your
• 1:50
  happiness, of course they're going to do.
• 1:52
  If they want to make you happy in that moment, of course
• 1:55
  they're going to do whatever it takes.
• 1:57
  If you give me a checklist of nine things that I need to do to
• 2:01
  get you to forgive me for cheating on you, of course I'm
• 2:04
  going to do these nine things. Why wouldn't I?
• 2:08
  Why wouldn't I? If I want you to forgive me, why
• 2:12
  wouldn't I do these nine things? But guess what happens in a lot
• 2:14
  of a lot of times in this situation, when you give them a
• 2:16
  checklist or you give them guidelines or forgiveness, they
• 2:20
  do that stuff and then they stop.
• 2:23
  You know what? They do that stuff right there
• 2:26
  and then they stop. They cut it off.
• 2:28
  They're done with it completely. They don't put any more work in.
• 2:31
  They're done. Why would they?
• 2:32
  They feel like they don't need to put any more work in.
• 2:35
  They feel like they don't need to do anything else, just in
• 2:37
  that situation and whatnot. It's just in these spaces, in
• 2:40
  these situations, in these times, like they don't Once they
• 2:43
  put that once, they feel like they have put the work in, once
• 2:46
  they feel like they have checked off all the bullet points,
• 2:49
  they're going to stop doing it a lot of time and they're going to
• 2:51
  expect complete forgiveness and expect you to to get over it.
• 2:55
  Whatever they've done to you, they're going to expect you to
• 2:57
  be done with it. That's I've done you.
• 2:59
  I've checked off your list. I passed your test, and now I'm
• 3:02
  done. You know, I've done all of this
• 3:05
  stuff and now I'm done. So you need to forgive me.
• 3:07
  If you don't forgive me, you're a horrible person.
• 3:10
  They're going to check it off. Y'all if you tell them what
• 3:12
  bound. Like if you tell them if you
• 3:14
  could consistently tell them what boundaries your boundaries
• 3:16
  are, they're going to keep violating over and over again.
• 3:19
  Y'all I'm not telling you do not to make your boundaries clear.
• 3:21
  Your boundaries are for you. Your boundaries are not to
• 3:23
  course correct somebody else. Your boundaries are to protect
• 3:27
  you. Boundaries are a fence that you
• 3:29
  build around. You build around your emotional,
• 3:31
  physical safety, right, Your emotional physical health
• 3:35
  boundaries over the fence that you build around there.
• 3:37
  The boundaries are to keep bad things out.
• 3:40
  So don't make your boundaries just like these are a list of my
• 3:43
  boundaries here and you keep if you will be able to get them a
• 3:46
  list of your boundaries, don't You got to hold them accountable
• 3:48
  for y'all hold them accountable. If you want to give them a list
• 3:50
  of tell them what your boundaries are, you know hold
• 3:53
  them accountable. You have to, you have to be a
• 3:55
  holding person accountable. Don't let your don't get them a
• 3:57
  list of your boundaries and let them disrespect your boundaries.
• 4:00
  And then because they'll keep doing it open and over again.
• 4:02
  Those are not boundaries. Y'all those are speed bumps.
• 4:05
  That's not a boundary. It becomes a speed.
• 4:07
  It's a speed table. You know in North Carolina we
• 4:09
  have speed tables. It's like a a long speed bump.
• 4:12
  It makes sure you slow down. You know the speed tables turn
• 4:15
  about me, a car, you go and speed up the speed bump and hit
• 4:18
  you a little bit. A speed table.
• 4:20
  Scratch you up, you know, slow down.
• 4:23
  Y'all. Don't give people like I said,
• 4:24
  you give them a it's like you giving them a blueprint to
• 4:26
  manipulate you with. You know, of course they checked
• 4:29
  it off. Oh, they did everything.
• 4:30
  I checked off on the list and they're they're expecting the
• 4:31
  treat. It's like a kid.
• 4:32
  Y'all. You give a kid a a list of
• 4:35
  chores, they're going to do the list of chores and stop right
• 4:37
  there. You know what I mean?
• 4:39
  You give a list of, you give a narcissistic person a list of
• 4:43
  things to not do. They're going to do that list of
• 4:45
  things and be done with it. Y'all.
• 4:47
  It's just like, it's just like being childish, just like being
• 4:49
  a kid sometimes. You know, they get into their
• 4:52
  space, they get into their dynamic, they get into your they
• 4:54
  message your mental health, you know?
• 4:57
  It's just like in the beginning of a relationship.
• 4:59
  You all, when you deal with the narcissist, don't tell them your
• 5:02
  likes and dislikes a lot of times because don't tell them
• 5:05
  why you're single. Like, make them earn your
• 5:08
  information. Make them earn your forgiveness.
• 5:10
  Because if you give them a checklist, you tell them you get
• 5:13
  into the blueprint. They're just going to do it.
• 5:15
  Why would if you gave me a blueprint, why wouldn't I just
• 5:19
  do that type of stuff if I had no intent on doing any of this
• 5:22
  stuff? You give me a checklist on how
• 5:24
  to make you happy, not just for forgiveness.
• 5:26
  You give me a checklist on how to make you happy.
• 5:28
  You give me the blueprint to your heart.
• 5:30
  Even if I didn't plan on doing any of this stuff.
• 5:33
  If I want your heart. If I want the cheeks.
• 5:35
  If I want whatever from you you may have.
• 5:37
  If I want some cheek clapping to happen, I'm going to do this.
• 5:40
  I'm going to read this blueprint off, even though I'm not an I
• 5:44
  don't have any kind of building plans.
• 5:46
  I have not been an I'm not even an architect.
• 5:49
  You know, I'm not even qualified for you.
• 5:51
  But you just gave me the blueprint.
• 5:53
  But I'm going to do it. Make them earn it.
• 5:56
  Even when if they doesn't, even if you're already in a
• 5:58
  relationship with this person, y'all and they do something
• 6:00
  horrible to you. Make them earn it.
• 6:03
  Show, make it be something that they want to do themselves.
• 6:07
  Because if you want them to do it, not only will they do it,
• 6:10
  sometimes they're going to make you resent it later on.
• 6:12
  They're going to resent you for making them do it.
• 6:16
  You know, they're going to have, they're going to resent you for
• 6:20
  making them do certain things. They're going to resent you.
• 6:22
  They're going to hurt you. Like I said, they're going to be
• 6:24
  angry as hell at you for making, for being able, for you being in
• 6:26
  control. You mean their list of
• 6:29
  guidelines, their list, that checklist or whatever, their
• 6:32
  forgiveness list. They're, you know, their
• 6:34
  forgiveness list. They're going to be angry as
• 6:37
  hell because that that, that list is the fact shows the fact
• 6:40
  that you are in control and they are not.
• 6:45
  You know, you know most narcissists won't control,
• 6:48
  right? They want to control every
• 6:50
  single thing. Because when you are able to
• 6:52
  give me a list of things that I have to do, then I am not in
• 6:56
  control. You are, you know, I am not in
• 7:00
  control of anything. You are.
• 7:02
  You see, if you are telling me what to do, then how am I?
• 7:06
  Yeah. How am I in control?
• 7:07
  If you're telling me what to do, think about that.
• 7:10
  How the hell am I in control of anything?
• 7:12
  And you are the one setting the guidelines.
• 7:13
  You're the one setting the rules.
• 7:14
  Like I'm not in control. So, yeah, they might do it, but
• 7:17
  then they'll punish you for it. You may They might check off
• 7:20
  every single box on their little list.
• 7:21
  I tell you. Hey, babe, I deleted my
• 7:23
  Instagram. I deleted my Facebook.
• 7:26
  I removed all the all those whores you told me to remove.
• 7:29
  Everybody you called a whore. I removed them.
• 7:31
  Everybody call. You called a gigolo.
• 7:33
  I removed them. So I need forgiveness.
• 7:36
  And then they right back into your life and then they
• 7:39
  immediately what happens? Y'all they immediately find a
• 7:43
  way to take back to re, to reaffirm control, to regain
• 7:47
  control in this relationship dynamic, they will do that.
• 7:52
  They're going to find a way for them to take back power, to take
• 7:56
  back control. So they don't feel like they are
• 7:58
  under under you. They feel like that you're they
• 8:01
  are above you. They're going to find some way,
• 8:02
  shape or form to do it. Y'all.
• 8:04
  And of course, if you giving them this, yeah, if you give
• 8:07
  them a checklist and they do everything on the checklist and
• 8:11
  then they read and they do and they do the same behavior over,
• 8:16
  they ought to just go to the checklist and just start
• 8:18
  checking stuff like that off again.
• 8:19
  I wanted to take this trip. I wanted to do this.
• 8:22
  I wanted to do that. Yeah, the fact think about think
• 8:26
  about this from a different perspective right here.
• 8:27
  Y'all. The fact that you have to give
• 8:30
  them a checklist on how to make you happy or how to earn your
• 8:32
  forgiveness shows you that they either really don't know you or
• 8:37
  they don't really care to know you.
• 8:39
  You see what I'm saying? Even if you've been in
• 8:40
  relationship with this person for a long time, you have to
• 8:42
  show them how to get forgiveness.
• 8:44
  You have to show them how to show empathy.
• 8:46
  You have to show them how to be sincere.
• 8:49
  You have to show them how to have compassion.
• 8:51
  You have to show them how to make you happy.
• 8:52
  You have to show that, yeah, sooner or later it's got it's
• 8:55
  got to resonate within you of who you are actually dealing
• 8:59
  with. You know what I mean?
• 9:01
  Again, I'm not telling you to leave your relationship.
• 9:03
  I'm telling you to take a step back and look at what you have
• 9:06
  going on here. Look at what you have to do.
• 9:09
  Look at what you have to sacrifice to be in this
• 9:12
  relationship dynamic. You know, take a look at it.
• 9:16
  Sometimes you have to take that out.
• 9:17
  It's the optics that matter a lot of these times.
• 9:20
  Y'all look at the optics. How does this look?
• 9:22
  How does this feel to you? For you to have to be doing all
• 9:25
  of this stuff and this person that you're dealing with doesn't
• 9:28
  have to do much. They just have to do a list.
• 9:31
  A list of chores. It's kind of like, you know, I
• 9:33
  don't know what I don't know what it takes to make you happy.
• 9:36
  You know it's it's damn near weaponized incompetence.
• 9:39
  Y'all it's damn near weaponized incompetence on how to make.
• 9:42
  They don't under. I don't know.
• 9:43
  I don't know how to I don't know how to make you happy.
• 9:46
  I really, I really really don't. So they message me right now.
• 9:50
  There was some coffee. So I don't want to meet up with
• 9:52
  coffee. I was.
• 9:53
  That person might, but that's how it goes though.
• 9:56
  Y'all that's the dynamic, that's the that's really literally the
• 9:59
  mindset of dealing with a narcissistic, toxic person.
• 10:02
  Y'all, do not give them a checklist because of course
• 10:05
  they're just going to check things off.
• 10:07
  If they're like, well, I'll do. I'll do whatever it takes to
• 10:10
  make you happy. Wave that red flag.
• 10:14
  Y'all you got to wave it. You got to wave it.
• 10:16
  I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy.
• 10:18
  Y'all they should know how to make you happy.
• 10:20
  Y'all been together for years. If they don't know what it takes
• 10:22
  to make you happy, you got to give them a list of what makes
• 10:25
  you happy again y'all take a step back.
• 10:28
  Look at this relationship now I'm not telling you, I'm not
• 10:30
  telling you to leave. I'm telling you to be safe and
• 10:31
  making. I'm just trying to provide you
• 10:33
  the information for you to make a conscientious decision on your
• 10:35
  own you mean. Anyway y'all thank you.
• 10:39
  Tuning into another episode, make sure you check off the self
• 10:41
  love brand Impact over intent like answer like say impact
• 10:46
  impact over intent bad angle like and subscribe for more.
• 10:51
  And it's always y'all mental illness is out peace.
• 10:54
  What is going on beautiful people Thank you so much for
• 10:57
  making it to the end of my video.
• 10:58
  Watching it all the way through. Y'all If you haven't already, go
• 11:01
  ahead, go ahead and hit that subscribe button.
• 11:03
  Y'all turn on notifications so you don't miss the video and
• 11:06
  what not and so we can help reach more people.
• 11:08
  Like I said in the beginning, the Self love brand is
• 11:10
  available. I have a self love journal
• 11:13
  that's available on Amazon as well to help you rebuild that
• 11:15
  self love Lee Hammock. I love me on Amazon and whatnot.
• 11:19
  Also do one on ones over zoom and such as well.
• 11:22
  Y'all like and subscribe from award.