Latest / MyMaine Birth / 84. Confronting Birth Complications and PTSD: Jessica's Powerful Story

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84. Confronting Birth Complications and PTSD: Jessica's Powerful Story · MyMaine Birth

0:01
Angela: I'm Angela and you're listening to my Maine Birth, a space where we share the real life stories of families and their unique birth experiences in the beautiful state of Maine.
0:13
Angela: From our state's biggest hospitals to birth center births and home births, every birth story deserves to be heard and celebrated.
0:23
Angela: Whether you're a soon-to-be mom, a seasoned mother or simply interested in the world of birth, these episodes are for you.
0:31
Angela: Welcome to episode 84 of the my Main Birth podcast.
0:37
Angela: Occasionally on the podcast we hear powerful stories that shed light on the challenges, the unexpected turns and the emotional aftermath of a birth story that does not go as you imagined it would.
0:51
Angela: I believe it's important to create a safe space for these narratives, to raise awareness about the benefits of undisturbed birth and to support those who have gone through difficult birth experiences.
1:03
Angela: To all the pregnant mothers listening, I encourage you to assess your emotional readiness for today's episode.
1:11
Angela: If hearing stories of birth trauma is not what you need at the moment, please skip this episode and to the next one and join me again in episode 86 for an empowering birth story For those who have recently experienced birth trauma yourself.
1:25
Angela: I want you to know that you are not alone.
1:28
Angela: I see you, I hear you and I'm here to support you.
1:33
Angela: I offer a virtual service designed specifically for mothers who need to process their birth story.
1:38
Angela: My birth debrief sessions over Zoom provide a safe and confidential space to explore your emotions, find healing and work through any lingering feelings of disappointment, fear or grief.
1:51
Angela: I'm an experienced birth professional and I'm ready to listen, offer guidance and help you navigate the complexities of your birth experience.
1:59
Angela: If you're interested in scheduling a birth debrief session, click over to my website, mymainbirthcom, for all of the information.
2:07
Angela: Remember your story matters and I'm here to support you every step of the way.
2:13
Angela: Together, we can heal, grow and find strength in our shared experiences.
2:19
Angela: Thank you for joining me today on my Main Birth, and remember to take care of yourself and each other and, as always, let's keep the conversation going.
2:28
Angela: You can always message me over on social media.
2:31
Angela: You can find me on Facebook and Instagram at MyMainBirth, and if you'd like to join my email list, you can head over to my website, mymainbirthcom.
2:40
Angela: Today's birth story guest is Jessica, and she's here to share all about her birth experience at Northern Lights Eastern Maine Medical Center in Bangor.
2:50
Angela: Hi, jessica, welcome to my Maine Birth.
2:53
Angela: Hello, so, to get started, will you share a little bit about you and your family.
3:00
Jessica: Yeah, so it's me and my husband.
3:04
Jessica: We've been married for three and a half years, we've been together for six, and then we have a 19-month-old daughter.
3:14
Jessica: Her name is Molly and she is a crazy little girl.
3:19
Jessica: We own a small little farm in Orland, so I stay home, except for a couple days a week that I go and nanny, but it's mostly just me and her hanging out with the animals and doing all that kind of stuff.
3:35
Angela: Awesome.
3:35
Angela: Now will you share a little bit about when you first found out you were pregnant and your thoughts in choosing your care.
3:44
Jessica: Yeah.
3:44
Jessica: So I found out I was pregnant in December of 2020.
3:50
Jessica: We went into the whole pandemic saying we're not going to be the people that get pregnant during a pandemic, and it obviously that we quickly changed our mind on that one.
4:01
Jessica: It took us about nine months of trying change your mind on that one.
4:07
Jessica: It took us about nine months of trying.
4:08
Jessica: So then we got pregnant and we told our families on Christmas.
4:10
Jessica: So I had Dr Smith as my doctor.
4:12
Jessica: I went in as a high risk pregnancy because I was, because I'm technically overweight.
4:22
Jessica: So they went in and they're like we're gonna screen you.
4:24
Jessica: At 20 weeks I found out I had extra fluid and they wanted to take extra precautions.
4:33
Jessica: So I was doctor's appointments every week, getting ultrasounds every week, did not have a great pregnancy, never really felt the glow or the enjoying of it.
4:48
Jessica: My first half of my pregnancy I did not gain any weight.
4:54
Jessica: I actually lost a ton of weight because I couldn't eat, which was terrible.
4:58
Jessica: I didn't really throw up, but I just couldn't eat which no one wants.
5:04
Jessica: Nearing the end, molly was larger than what she was supposed to be, so she was a very big baby.
5:13
Jessica: I started having problems with my blood pressure in my last month I was told at 35 weeks we're lucky if we make it another week.
5:23
Jessica: It just progressively got worse and worse to the point where they were putting me on high doses of blood pressure medication to try to keep it down.
5:34
Jessica: If it got to a certain point I was to call the hospital and immediately go to the emergency room.
5:40
Jessica: So I went twice.
5:42
Jessica: For that case they wanted me to hold off as long as possible, which is understandable.
5:48
Jessica: You don't want.
5:49
Jessica: 35 weeks is still really early.
5:52
Jessica: I was induced at 38 weeks and two days.
5:57
Jessica: I knew going in that I was probably going to be induced.
6:02
Jessica: That's just probably what was going to happen.
6:04
Jessica: So I was okay with it and that's kind of where, like, the whole thing wasn't great.
6:09
Jessica: But that's when things started getting.
6:12
Jessica: Even worse was when I went in for my induction.
6:15
Jessica: So I went in for my induction at 7 o'clock Wednesday August 18th, so I was monitored.
6:24
Jessica: Everything was fine.
6:25
Jessica: The week before was terrible tons of contractions, tons of blood pressure problems, but then, like that little like by that weekend.
6:34
Jessica: Nothing happened and we're like really so we went on.
6:37
Jessica: That Wednesday.
6:38
Jessica: It was my mom and my husband, because I luckily was able to have another person with two people with me mom and my husband, because I luckily was able to have another person with two people with me.
6:48
Jessica: Like two weeks later they cut it back down to one person, so I was very lucky to have two people.
6:53
Jessica: I told my husband I was going to choose my mom over him.
6:55
Jessica: Sorry, but she's been through this three times.
6:58
Jessica: She knows how to keep me in line.
7:01
Jessica: They broke my waters at noon and I wasn't really progressing.
7:07
Jessica: I got my epidural, probably I think it was like two or three o'clock that day.
7:13
Jessica: I stopped having contractions that night so they took me off of Pitocin for an hour and then put me back on.
7:24
Jessica: Nothing happened.
7:26
Jessica: So I'm now 12 hours past water break Nothing's happening.
7:33
Jessica: I'm convinced something's happening.
7:36
Jessica: Keep calling them in to check me Nothing's happening.
7:39
Jessica: The next morning rolls around, my nurse that I had had from the day before comes back in and she's like what are you still doing here?
7:48
Jessica: And I was like nothing's happening.
7:51
Jessica: My mom my mom finally went and found the doctor and was like there is something clearly not going right.
7:59
Jessica: So I couldn't bend my legs at this point because my body was so swollen.
8:05
Jessica: They told me it was completely normal.
8:09
Jessica: I look back now and I know it wasn't.
8:12
Jessica: They were just trying to keep me calm.
8:13
Jessica: I was told Dr Smith came in, said you're going into an emergency C-section, you're next.
8:20
Jessica: I started having a panic attack because no one really expect this.
8:27
Jessica: I was expecting a normal like me and my sisters were all natural births like boom.
8:33
Jessica: It was going to be easy.
8:34
Jessica: So we're now 28 hours in.
8:38
Jessica: I get wheeled off into surgery after throwing up multiple times from the panic attack.
8:44
Jessica: Surgery after throwing up multiple times from the panic attack, I get my epidural redone and I thought I was numb, thought everything was the way it was supposed to be.
8:53
Jessica: I get wheeled in and they start to cut me open and I'm not so I felt my entire c-section, which then sent me into another panic attack while I'm on the table.
9:07
Jessica: So they ended up having to put me to sleep because it was the only way to keep me calm.
9:12
Jessica: Daughter is born perfectly healthy.
9:15
Jessica: She's perfectly fine.
9:17
Jessica: They get me stitched up and everything seems perfect.
9:23
Jessica: Everything's fine, I'm doing great, turns out I had to have a blood transfusion while in surgery.
9:32
Jessica: The first couple days were fine.
9:33
Jessica: We were at the hospital.
9:35
Jessica: Trying to breastfeed wasn't working, so that last night we finally said we're not going to try anymore, let's switch her to formula.
9:45
Jessica: They wanted to send me home.
9:49
Jessica: On day two I asked if I could stay one more night and they're like sure, it's up to you.
9:55
Jessica: If you want to stay one more night, feel free.
9:56
Jessica: And I said I just something in my mind told me something's not right.
10:04
Jessica: You need to stay.
10:05
Jessica: Okay, and we thank everything every day that we stayed.
10:11
Jessica: So the next morning my husband goes back to the house, goes to take care of the animals, because we had had farm sitters and we needed to relieve them because we were ready to go home.
10:22
Jessica: He comes back, we're getting packed.
10:25
Jessica: I have him help me to the bathroom.
10:29
Jessica: And I remember screaming from the bathroom.
10:35
Jessica: I can't breathe, something's wrong.
10:38
Jessica: Call them.
10:39
Jessica: So I'm in the bathroom pulling the cord.
10:42
Jessica: He is pressing the button, calling for help.
10:45
Jessica: Two nurses come in carrying me back to bed because I'm on the verge of passing out, screaming.
10:54
Jessica: I can't breathe.
10:55
Jessica: Then they're screaming on their things.
11:01
Jessica: We need crash cart.
11:03
Jessica: We need crash cart.
11:04
Jessica: The next thing I remember is a nurse holding me telling me I can breathe, you can breathe, you can breathe, you can breathe.
11:17
Jessica: And then I woke up four days later.
11:19
Jessica: I was induced into a coma.
11:21
Jessica: My heart stopped for two minutes so I went into cardiac arrest and died.
11:27
Jessica: Sorry, it's still hard to talk about.
11:30
Jessica: So when I was being intubated I threw up so I got pneumonia.
11:37
Jessica: Turns out, I had 40 liters of blood, of fluid that was surrounding my heart, my lungs and my brain, and that's why I couldn't breathe, because it was pushing down, and what caused my heart to stop was there's no oxygen going to my brain.
12:00
Jessica: My poor husband was still in the room while this was going on, holding our daughter.
12:07
Jessica: I was tested for COVID four times.
12:09
Jessica: I did not have COVID, thank God, but they were so convinced I did that they put me in the COVID ICU so no one could see me.
12:23
Jessica: I did have a friend who works in the hospital and I kept sneaking in and she kept getting yelled at.
12:29
Jessica: But they woke me up that Wednesday my husband was there.
12:34
Jessica: I remember waking up very confused.
12:37
Jessica: I was going home and now I'm not.
12:41
Jessica: I told him to go home.
12:45
Jessica: I asked how my daughter was doing and everybody says she's great.
12:49
Jessica: All of my family was with her.
12:52
Jessica: They had flown my sister in from New Mexico, where she's stationed in the Air Force, because they didn't think I was going to live.
13:02
Jessica: I was told that I was going to be in a coma for months.
13:05
Jessica: And I woke up.
13:06
Jessica: I was then told I was going to be in the ICU for months.
13:10
Jessica: Woke up, I was then told I was going to be in the ICU for months and it took about three days for a doctor to come and tell me what was going on, because they didn't want to freak me out.
13:18
Jessica: So I was in.
13:20
Jessica: I woke up that Wednesday.
13:21
Jessica: That Friday they said your lungs are looking a lot better.
13:27
Jessica: We're moving you to the CCU.
13:29
Jessica: So my mom was able to come that day and brush my hair and give me my glasses, because I didn't have those with me and in the ICU they have very tiny TVs in the corner of the wall and when you can't sleep and you can't see it's very annoying.
13:47
Jessica: But the nurses down there were wonderful, making sure I was comfortable and cleaning me up and stuff, because it's not very often that they get postpartum also in the ICU.
13:57
Jessica: So that night I got transported to the CCU and I was told I was going to be in the hospital for a couple months.
14:06
Jessica: Just be prepared when you do leave you'll probably be on oxygen.
14:11
Jessica: Obviously, that was not what I wanted to hear.
14:16
Jessica: They were wonderful there too, getting me up.
14:19
Jessica: I started walking that Saturday.
14:21
Jessica: I got discharged.
14:23
Jessica: Tuesday I was walking around the halls without oxygen and the doctor that had looked at my lungs was like you should not be walking, how are you this healed already and they were shocked that I had gotten out.
14:38
Jessica: I did not go home with oxygen.
14:48
Jessica: I was very lucky.
14:48
Jessica: I went home with a walker and I couldn't be unassisted for about three weeks.
14:50
Jessica: So I had family members coming to live with us and take care of my daughter because they still couldn't do that.
14:55
Jessica: I think it was harder on them than it was on me.
14:59
Jessica: My mom was out of state when they got the phone call because we were supposed to be going home.
15:03
Jessica: Everything was fine.
15:04
Jessica: My dad was out of state when he got the phone call so he had to drive back from Vermont.
15:11
Jessica: My mom had to drive back from Vermont.
15:12
Jessica: My mom had to drive back from New Hampshire.
15:13
Jessica: No one was allowed in the hospital.
15:16
Jessica: I didn't have my phone for the entire time I was there so I was in no communication with anybody in the outside world, which is really hard.
15:26
Jessica: I had to go to PT.
15:27
Jessica: I had to get chest x-rays, chest CTs.
15:31
Jessica: I'm perfectly healthy now.
15:33
Jessica: They have no idea, like we look back at pictures now and I was extremely swollen.
15:39
Jessica: You could tell I put in 40 pounds in my last month of pregnancy but I have not been given answers.
15:45
Jessica: They don't really know what happened.
15:48
Jessica: I wish they did, because it's like a question in my head that I know I'll never get answers to, which is really hard.
15:57
Jessica: I was checked for preeclampsia multiple times before never came back.
16:02
Jessica: That that's what I had.
16:03
Jessica: So like that was.
16:05
Jessica: It was just like this weird thing that they're like it could be a once in a lifetime thing or you can't have any more kids.
16:15
Jessica: So when I had my six week appointment they said if you have any more kids it will probably kill you, which is not what you want to hear when you expect to have a family.
16:28
Jessica: I was still mentally.
16:29
Jessica: It took me a very long time.
16:31
Jessica: I obviously am still mentally recovering, but it took quite a while to just like settle with that.
16:40
Jessica: I was told if I was 35 and not 26, they would have immediately done hysterectomy while I was in the hospital.
16:49
Jessica: But I was too young for the surgery, so your options are very limited.
17:02
Jessica: You can do an IUD, or that's it.
17:03
Jessica: So I got an IUD because the fear of pregnancy the pregnancy is no longer an option.
17:08
Jessica: At about six months post, I was actively going to therapy once a week and trying to deal with the PTSD that I was going through.
17:23
Jessica: On top of all the stuff that normal people go through after pregnancy, I now had this whole other thing where I hated myself for not being able to care for my daughter.
17:33
Jessica: I hated that I could no longer provide more of a family naturally to my family, and it was a lot.
17:42
Jessica: And I came to the conclusion, with the support of my husband, that I will find a doctor who is going to give me my hysterectomy and I have gotten to the point where the fear of pregnancy ruins everyday life.
18:02
Jessica: I have been approved for my surgery and I will be having it later this spring, but the struggle to find somebody who will do it is astonishing in our area.
18:15
Jessica: Wow, it definitely affects how I feel when I see other people having babies and I get a little bit of a fear when I know people are going into labor and they're going to the birth.
18:32
Jessica: I know what happened to me doesn't happen to everybody.
18:35
Jessica: Most are like most pregnancies go wonderfully and go at least close to as planned and like.
18:43
Jessica: I don't want to scare people, but there's a lot more people who go through birth trauma than others think about birth trauma is a very real thing that a lot of women are dealing with they're 90 sure that my pregnancy is what had caused it, because if not, there would have never been a build-up of fluid, I would have none of those things would have lined, and because I have, I'm back to having no signs of ever having heart problems, lung problems, brain prop like any of those things kind of came and went with it.
19:20
Jessica: I am so grateful that I had decided to stay that night, because we live about 20 minutes from the closest ambulance and it happened all within five minutes.
19:34
Jessica: So if I wouldn't have been there and wouldn't have had people who which I tell my story it sounds like the hospital is a terrible place, but they're the only reason I'm alive right now they were able to take the action I needed.
19:52
Jessica: There was a lot of missteps and a lot of miscalculations and stuff like that, but in the end they kept me alive.
20:02
Angela: You really do have to go with your gut.
20:04
Angela: You know when you're feeling something with your body.
20:06
Angela: That's not right.
20:09
Jessica: My mom says she will never not trust when I say something is wrong, Because clearly I knew something that nobody else did.
20:19
Angela: Because clearly I knew something that nobody else did.
20:23
Angela: Yeah, wow.
20:25
Angela: So now how?
20:25
Jessica: was the rest of your postpartum time.
20:26
Jessica: I'm so lucky I have the support system I had and still have.
20:30
Jessica: So the first two days I was home.
20:32
Jessica: My mom lives in Vesey so she's close to the hospital, so I went there instead of driving the 40 minutes home.
20:40
Jessica: They didn't want to put my body into too much, so and I was still able to have the help I needed there.
20:46
Jessica: So I stayed there for a couple days, but all I wanted was to get home.
20:50
Jessica: So my mom came and lived with us for about a week.
20:55
Jessica: My birthday was right when this was all happening as well, and I was so mad because there's things I wanted.
21:01
Jessica: I remember waking up and being like what day is it?
21:04
Jessica: Did I miss my birthday?
21:06
Jessica: And they're like no, you didn't miss your birthday, but I was supposed to go to an event and I couldn't, and I was mad.
21:13
Jessica: My mom was so sweet enough she had contacted the people at the event and I got to have a FaceTime with them as they were getting ready, which was wonderful.
21:24
Jessica: But I just wanted to be home and I wanted to see my animals and I wanted to be in my place.
21:31
Jessica: It was hard because I'm so used to doing things independently.
21:35
Jessica: So after the first week my grandmother came just during the days and I was fully taking care of my daughter.
21:43
Jessica: At night I was sleeping on the couch, she was sleeping in a basset on the floor.
21:48
Jessica: I couldn't go upstairs for about a month, so I was sleeping downstairs for the first month and a lot of pain my chest wasn't a lot of they'd broken my ribs so I was dealing with a cracked rib as well.
22:02
Jessica: So I was sleeping sitting up.
22:03
Jessica: I wasn't allowed to go into my barn for about two months because of the dust, which was really hard because my animals are like everything.
22:15
Jessica: So not being able to do anything was very difficult.
22:19
Jessica: Luckily it was still warm, so I was able to at least go sit outside a lot.
22:23
Jessica: I went to physical therapy.
22:25
Jessica: I learned how to build my strength back up, how to carry my daughter.
22:30
Jessica: Within the first five or six months I was still tired a lot but closer to who I was before physically.
22:40
Jessica: I think the physical part I healed from quickly.
22:45
Jessica: The mental part is where things definitely were very different.
22:49
Jessica: I have good days, I have bad days.
22:51
Jessica: I try not to think about it, but I was getting flashbacks for about six months, so every time I would go to bed I would remember, which is not a fun thing to have to deal with.
23:03
Jessica: I still happen sometimes, but it's a lot, it's a lot better.
23:08
Jessica: We did celebrate the one year anniversary of it happening as a way to kind of like you've made it this far, this is what's coming next, kind of a situation.
23:20
Jessica: It also makes my daughter's birthday a little weird because it is so close to everything and I want to be happy for her.
23:28
Jessica: But there was also like this looming shadow, that kind of sat on the side.
23:34
Angela: Yeah, birthdays are a really hard part of the birth trauma puzzle, because you want to be happy for your child on their birthday, of course, but it is also the anniversary of all of your trauma and things that happen, so that's super hard.
23:54
Angela: So, as a final question, if you were to give advice to someone who is also experiencing birth trauma, what would be the biggest thing you would want to say?
24:09
Jessica: therapy.
24:10
Jessica: It's a scary thing to have to admit that you need to go to therapy.
24:15
Jessica: Um, I had done it before for many times, but this was the longest I had stuck with it, and I use BetterHelp, the online one, because obviously trying to do anything with the baby is ridiculously hard and being able to do it at home was so comforting and it helped so much.
24:43
Jessica: I did it for about nine months.
24:45
Jessica: Unfortunately, my therapist had to retire, so I will go back, but I needed a break time to kind of grow without it.
24:56
Jessica: Grow without it.
25:03
Jessica: But I don't think I could have made the decisions that I had made and grow the way I did if I didn't get help.
25:07
Jessica: To admit that you need help is one of the scariest things to do, but it's so important to talk to somebody who isn't family, who has no bias, who is an outside voice that you can just talk to.
25:28
Angela: I completely agree.
25:29
Angela: It's definitely really important to get the help if you feel like you need it.
25:36
Angela: Well, thank you, jessica, for sharing your story today.
25:39
Angela: It is truly an incredible one, and I think birth trauma stories are very important to share, not to scare anyone, but for others who are going through it to know that you're not alone.
25:56
Jessica: I think it's important to share and I definitely think the sharing has been such a healing thing Because for a while I didn't want to talk about it, and the more I talk about it, the better I feel about it.
26:10
Jessica: I think one of the hardest part also was the and I still get it.
26:15
Jessica: All the time is the when's the next one coming.
26:18
Jessica: All the time is the when's the next one coming?
26:24
Jessica: When are you giving your child a sibling?
26:25
Jessica: And that is a hard question, and for a while I danced around it and I finally said I shouldn't have to dance around it.
26:32
Jessica: Molly's going to be an only child, unless we choose an alternative route, and that's okay too unless we choose an alternative route, and that's okay too.
26:45
Angela: Well, thank you, jessica, so much for sharing and coming on the podcast today, and I look forward to getting together and meeting the rest of your family and doing some photos with you guys.
26:50
Jessica: Yes, we look forward to it as well.
26:52
Jessica: Thank you so much.
26:55
Angela: And that's the end of another episode of the my Main Birth podcast.
26:57
Angela: And that's the end of another episode of the my Main Birth podcast.
27:00
Angela: Thank you for joining me and listening.
27:02
Angela: If you're looking to document your birth story or if you're interested in doula support for your upcoming birth, head over to my website, mymainbirthcom and check out my packages.
27:15
Angela: I'm a certified professional birth photographer and an experienced doula, and I offer in-person services to families throughout the state of Maine, as well as virtual birth coaching worldwide.
27:29
Angela: I want to invite you to grab my top free resource for newly pregnant moms.
27:34
Angela: It's called 37 Questions, to Ask your Care Provider Whether you've already established care or if you're in the process of interviewing new providers.
27:43
Angela: This is for you.
27:44
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27:54
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27:56
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28:00
Angela: Thank you again for tuning in and I look forward to bringing you more amazing birth stories.
28:06
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